


I Believe

by Archangel0Lucifer



Category: Original Work
Genre: Adoption, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Attempt at Humor, Awkwardness, Blow Jobs, Breathplay, Childhood Trauma, Choking, Cock Piercing, Cock Slut, Cock Worship, Come Eating, Come Sharing, Come Swallowing, Computer Programming, Coping, Crochet, Depression, Dialogue Heavy, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Disability, Drama, Drama & Romance, Dress Up, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Language, Flashbacks, Fucking, Gardens & Gardening, Gay Male Character, Geeks, Gen, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, Height Differences, Hiding Medical Issues, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inner Dialogue, Large Cock, Loss of Virginity, Lust at First Sight, M/M, Making Out, Male-Female Friendship, Medication, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentions of Cancer, Moaning, Name-Calling, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Oral Fixation, Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Outer Space, Past Abuse, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Child Abuse, Past Drug Addiction, Past Relationship(s), Piercings, Poor Life Choices, Priest Kink, Religious Guilt, Romance, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Scars, Schizophrenia, Science, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sex, Sex Addiction, Sexual Roleplay, Shameless Smut, Smut, Spanking, Speech Disorders, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural Elements, Tattoos, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-03-02 13:03:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 171,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18811450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archangel0Lucifer/pseuds/Archangel0Lucifer
Summary: This is a story that follows the relationship between two men, that meet through a mutual contact. Silas Langston and Noak Martensson.Things don't always go smoothly but the two are determined to make it work, first as friends then more. Sometimes things aren't always what they seem."If you look up the definition of the word belief, you will find that it means an acceptance that something exists or is true, especially one without proof.What I believe and what others believe can be different; there is nothing in the meaning of the word that says that we must believe the same thing. Most people do not believe in the things that I do but I am certain that he does. He believes me. He will always believe me.And with years of changing beliefs, the one thing I will forever believe in is him."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Decided that I might want to share some of my original novel, a work in progress since November 2016.
> 
> Updates will be slow. I might get anxious and pull this at any time. I'm proud of it but for personal reasons, I'm scared to share it. And I've not touched this work in months because my intent to finish it was not met and coincides with a bad breakup so I get stupid emotional when I try and work on this.

2011

Silas Langston lived alone. The house was much too big for only him but the rent was cheap and the landlord, a sweet old woman named Marion Baker, really helped him out in getting the place five years prior. It was a run down, eighteenth century farmhouse and it sat up on a secluded hill. It was a kilometer east of a small town not far from Ipswich, UK. The property extended for many acres in all directions and included a bit of forest that lined farmland that hadn't been cropped in decades.

He was twenty-eight years old and had been a loner for years. He had no family he spoke with and he didn't have many friends. He often spent his time in the house or tending to a small batch of vegetables growing in the side garden. Mrs. Baker taught him to cook and to knit and Silas loved to read so being alone never seemed to bother him. What bothered him was that he never  _ felt _ alone.

Silas worked a full time job as a writer for a local news publication. The offices were just twenty minutes away by train. Unable to drive, Silas was grateful the small town had a station on the tracks that connected Ipswich and London.

He didn't socialize at work much either. He hardly knew anyone's name and somedays he wouldn't know their faces. He was however, friendly with his editor Anna Martensson. Originally from Sweden, Anna had been living in the UK and worked for The Bleeker News for the last several months. She was a cheerful and very friendly woman. Hard working with a good sense of humor, Anna became fast friends with Silas. She was tall and lean; pretty and she knew it. She was incredibly energetic and while Silas did enjoy her company at the office more than anyone else’s, their relationship never extended past the walls of their workplace. Anna sometimes drove him home so he'd not have to wait in the bad weather for his train.

It was a cold Saturday night at the end of October. There was plenty of wind and quite a lot of rain. It was miserable outside. Silas had been asked that Friday before leaving the office to come out for a fancy dress party to celebrate Halloween with people from his job, their friends and family. It was a yearly event held the Saturday before Halloween in a rental hall close to the offices. It was always talked about for weeks before and after. Silas never went to the party in his five years working for the company but he couldn't come up with an excuse not to go this time, so he'd said yes.

_ [Why even bother?] Do you even want to go? _

“I don't know.” Silas sighed, looking at himself in the vanity mirror.

He was standing in the bathroom, dressed only in a pair of white pants and black ankle socks. His hair was a wild mess, clean but frizzy, and he made no attempt to brush it. He reached his hand towards his face then dropped it down to his side. He sighed loudly.

“I'm so late.” He said to the empty room.

_ [Silas has no friends.] You're better off staying in.  _ **Worthless.** _ [This party is a stupid idea.] You will only make a fool of yourself. _

“Anna is my friend. I'm going because she asked me to go.” Silas mumbled, leaning closer to the mirror to redraw whiskers on his cheeks with a felt tipped pen for the fourth time that night.

Once he was done, he took a step back and looked at his reflection. The little black triangle he’d drawn on his nose was lopsided and smudged. He scowled.

‘At least the whiskers are straight.’  _ You're going to be late. [Don't bother.]  _ **Ugly.** _ You're so stupid, Silas.  _ **Worthless.** _ You're really no good. _

“Stop it.” Silas muttered. “Just leave me alone.”

_ You are alone. You will always be alone. _

He reached out and opened the medicine cabinet behind the mirror and took a bottle of pills from the bottom shelf.

_ You don't need those.  _ **Stop.** _ [They will only make it worse.] You can't take those.  _ **Stop.** _ Silas, you're no good. [They do nothing.] _

He twisted the top and tapped two pills into his palm. He popped them into his mouth and swallowed them down without water. He closed up the bottle and set it back into the cabinet.

“Why am I even doing this?” Silas asked.

_ You're wasting time. You will be late. You're already late. [More reason to hate Silas. They will laugh.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You shouldn't go. You look ridiculous. [We hate him.]  _ ‘I hate myself.’  **Good.**

“Stop it!” Silas shouted and slammed the cabinet shut.

The contents inside rattled against the rusting shelves. He looked at himself again and shook his head. He hated what was staring back at him. He turned away, disgusted with himself. He shut the bathroom light and shivered in the darkness.

“I look stupid.” He whispered. “Maybe I won't go.”

_Then don't. You don't need friends. [Silas doesn't deserve friends.] Anna hates you._ _You look terrible. [There is no reason to go.]_ **Worthless.** _Stay home, alone like you belong._

Silas shook his head again and headed out of the bathroom. He walked towards his bedroom. He was running so late and he still had the rest of his costume to put on. The fact didn't make him move any faster.

_ You're such a fuck up.  _ **Worthless.** _ You're no good to anyone. [Anna will just laugh. No one wants to see a grown man dressed as a cat.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You look so bloody stupid. [Why bother?] _

Silas stepped into his room and shut the door behind him. He walked across to his night table and clicked on the lamp sitting on top. A yellow glow filled the room. He glanced at the clock. It was a quarter past seven and he sighed in disappointment, remembering the event started at seven.

“I really should have said no. I don't want to do this.” Silas said.

_ Then don't go, moron. Stay home. [With us.] _

“Anna will hate me if I don't show up. I don't want Anna to hate me.” Silas said and took a seat on the foot of his bed.

_ She already hates you.  _ **Worthless.** _ No good shit. [Don't go.] Nobody likes you. You should have said no. _

“I said stop.” Silas whispered and put his hands over his face, smudging his nose even more.

_ You're disgusting. Don't leave the house. _

“Enough.” Silas snapped and got up from the bed.

He turned to walk to his dresser and pulled out a pair of black skinny jeans and a fitted long sleeve shirt that was also black. He slipped into the clothes. He sighed yet again, they were so dingy and faded, like most of what he owned. Not having much money, most of what he wore was second hand. Shrugging it off, he stood at the center of his room, looking out the back window into his garden. The world outside was dark and the movement of leaves falling off the trees kept him in a sort of trance.

**Worthless!** _ You're already late.  _ **Worthless.** _ Just don't go.  _ [ _ Friends don't like pieces of shit.] You're a piece of shit. [People will talk. They don't care who Silas is.]  _ **Worthless.** _ Just don't go. _

“Shut up. Shut up.” Silas said, clenching his fists. “Shut up! I'm going. You can't stop me.”

Silas left the light on and walked out of the room. He went to the kitchen to wait for his taxi. He had called not long before he started to get ready. While he waited for it to arrive, he slipped a pair of fuzzy cat ears onto his head. He'd picked them up from a store in town. They were cheaply made and it was obvious. It wasn't the best of costumes but it was all he could manage with short notice and minimal funds. He heard the beep of a car horn and knew it was time to go.

_ You look stupid. [Everyone will laugh.] You really shouldn't bother. _

Silas ignored the voices and grabbed his coat. He left the house and got into the waiting taxi.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Silas arrived at ten to eight and the hall was crowded. He did a quick search for his friend. When he didn't find her, he found the emptiest corner and filled it. With his back against the wall, Silas watched the people that were mingling and dancing around. He watched them quietly from his little space alone. Some of them were laughing loudly and others had kept themselves entertained with drinks and snacks provided on the table not far to his left.

‘I look ridiculous.’  _ You really do.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Silas never should have come here.]  _ ‘I hate fancy dress.’  _ [We hate Silas. They hate Silas too.]  _ ‘Stop it please, not now.’  **Worthless.** _ Why don't you just go home? Leave before you ruin someone's night. [Anna won't even notice Silas was here.] Let's go. _

Themed Halloween music blared from a speaker in the opposite corner. Lavish decor was everywhere; not an inch of space was left without a pumpkin or spider or bat. Artificial candles flickered from the table tops and along plastic sconces on the walls. The ceiling was draped in cotton cobwebs. There was a ghost standing at the door that would rattle and boo when anyone walked passed. It scared the wits out of Silas on his way in.

Growing up in a small town near Bath, Halloween had been off limits for the Langston family. Growing up in a strict Catholic household, Silas and his siblings were banned from participation in everything to do with it. His parents believed it was a day for the devil to do his work.The holiday had always intrigued Silas so it didn’t take much convincing to show up.

The room was mostly filled up with people that worked for The Bleeker News publication but Silas didn’t recognize any of them. He didn't expect to. The lights were dim, they were all in fancy dress and he'd never taken the time to get to know any of them. (The only reason he'd befriended Anna was because she sought him out. She enjoyed his company even when Silas couldn't see why.) He started to feel overwhelmed. His stomach started to hurt. He wondered where Anna was.

‘I feel ill.’  **Worthless.** _ You should just leave. [No one wants Silas here. No one cares about Silas.]  _ ‘I want to be sick.’ _ You look terrible. Your costume is stupid.  _ ‘Where is the toilet?’  _ Silas just go home. [Home is safe.]  _ **Ugly shit.** ‘Please stop.’   
  
More guests arrived and the music was turned up. Silas really didn’t like the idea of being there. He felt tense and uncomfortable.

_ [Nobody wants Silas here.]  _ **Shite.** _ You’re so useless.  _ **Worthless.** _ Just go home.  _ **Ugly.** _ [We hate Silas.] _

He thought again about leaving, going as far as taking a few steps towards the door. He stopped when someone called out his name.

“Silas!” It was Anna and she hurried across the crowded room.

Silas turned towards the voice. He looked up and smiled shyly at his friend, who was dressed in a black robe with false blood spattered across her neck.   
  
“You came out tonight! I’m so happy.” Anna said and leaned down to kiss him on the cheek, careful to avoid the whiskers he'd drawn on. “You look so darn cute too.” She beamed, smiling brightly at his costume.   
  
“Um, yeah. I’m a cat.” Silas said.   
  
_ You look right stupid, you do.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Never should have come here.] _

“You make an excellent cat my friend.” Anna said with a smile. “Do you like my costume?” She asked and gave a twirl.

“Yes? I have no idea what you're supposed to be.” Silas answered bluntly.

Anna laughed out loud.

“I'm dressed as a nun who's been bitten by a zombie.” She said. “I have not yet put on the headpiece.” She explained.

“Oh, that's odd.” Silas replied with a shrug.

“Come, I want you to meet my brother.” Anna said and before he could object she took his hand.

_ [Another person to laugh.] Don't follow. _

“Okay.” Silas said quietly, being dragged across the room. Silas took the first step in her direction a little stiffly. He eventually fell in stride and stopped abruptly when she did.

They met up with a very tall man dressed as a priest. Silas felt his stomach drop. He licked over his lips and felt his breath catch in his throat. He didn't immediately notice the man’s face was covered in zombie make up and false blood.

**_Ooh. Oh, look Silas._ ** _ [He'll only just laugh.]  _ **_You want him, don't you?_ ** _ You're such a waste. You're ugly and worthless.  _ **Leave.** _ He'll hate you.  _ **_You need him._ **

“Silas, this is Noak. Noak, meet Silas.” Anna said and pulled a cup of rum punch from her brother's hand.

“Hello Silas.” Noak said, grinning over his own cup of punch.

Silas bit his lip. He said nothing in return, just stared blankly up at the man. His eyes dropped from his face and fixated on the white collar at his neck. Silas could feel his heart thumping away in his chest.

“Um, hi.” Silas finally squeaked and met Noak’s eyes for the briefest of moments, uncomfortable with eye contact.

“This is my work buddy I'm always prattling on about.” Anna said cheerfully, looking at her brother and sipping from her cup. “He's great.” She gushed.

“She does prattle.” Noak said with a quiet laugh and again smiled at Silas. “Would you like some of deh punch? It is not bad.” He said, looking down at the feline dressed man.

“Um, no thanks.” Silas said, voice cracking.

Silas felt dazed. The lighting was dim and the music was loud, he could hardly hear himself think. Even the voices seemed to quiet themselves. He chanced another glance at Anna's brother and felt his stomach drop once more. He wasn't sure if he could handle all of it.

‘Oh wow.’ _Just go home._ ** _Stay and maybe you'll get lucky._** ‘Why did you come back, Jez?’ _[Everyone is staring.] You're ugly and worthless._ ** _Take him out back._** ‘Stop it.’ **_You know you want to._** ‘I don't.’ **_You do. You want him._** ‘I do.’

“So, is Evan here?” Anna asked, turning to scan the room for the editor in chief. She was oblivious to her friend zoning out.

“I… I um.” Silas whispered, thinking he just heard Anna say something.

Silas sighed and looked down at the floor. He felt a blush creep up his neck and was thankful for the low light atmosphere. He flicked his gaze back at Noak and his stomach fluttered. He tried to smile.

“Hi.” Silas squeaked again, making Noak smile once more.

“You're so silly.” Anna giggled as she turned back to her friend and brother. She set her hand on Silas's shoulder. “Why don't you two have a chat. I'm going to look for Evan and Amanda.” She said before taking off into the crowd.

Silas turned and watched her go.

‘No, don't.’  **_You have him alone, ask him to meet you out back._ ** ‘Just stop it.’  _ [Anna is gone.] See? She left you because you're worthless and boring.  _ **So worthless.** _ [She's not coming back.]  _ **_Take him out back and get into those tight fitting trousers._ **

“Stop it!” Silas said aloud.

“What was dat?” Noak asked, finding it hard to hear over the music.

“Nothing. I, um, I said nothing.” Silas replied, turning to catch a glimpse of Noak’s face. “It's nice to meet you.” He said and reached out to shake the taller man’s hand.

Noak reciprocated the handshake and was still smiling.

“I, um, I like your costume.” Silas said, having to speak louder than he was comfortable with.

**_Yeah you do._ ** _ [Reminds us of someone.] Doesn't he Silas?  _ **_You really like that costume, you sick bastard._ ** _ [Silas hates himself. We hate Silas.]  _ **_You want to see it on your bedroom floor._ ** ‘Oh God, please stop it.’

“Danks.” Noak said. “Most people don't dink it's funny.” He too had to speak loudly over the music.

“Is it supposed to be funny?” Silas asked.

“Ja. I mean, zombie priest and my sister is deh innocent victim, a nun wid a bite.” Noak explained.

Silas just nodded and smiled. He didn't hear a word of what Noak had just said. He was staring at his throat, oblivious to the make up that covered his face.

“Hilarious.” Silas said but unsure why.

“Glad you dink so.” Noak said. “You sure you don't want a drink?” He asked, trying to be polite.

“Yeah, I'm sure.” Silas replied. “It's really loud in here.” He said, eyes drifting to the door.

**_Oh yeah! Go outside, bring him with you._ ** ‘No.’  **Worthless.** ‘Stop.’  **_Bring him home._ **

“I agree.” Noak said, about to ask Silas if he wanted to go find a seat away from the speakers when Anna came running back.

Silas looked at his friend. Anna had put on the top part of her habit and it finally clicked that she had been dressed as a bloody nun. He started to laugh quietly.

“What's so funny?” She asked.

**_Jump him. Go on._ ** _ You're no good. He will reject you.  _ **_Go for it. Be a bad kitty._ ** **Worthless.** _ [Silas is no good. He's going to make a scene.]  _ **_Jump him. Confess your sins._ ** ‘Please, Jez. Stop it.’  _ [What a waste of space. He's sick, disgusting.]  _ **Disgusting.**

Silas shook his head and looked at the Martenssons. “I've got to use the toilet.” He said quickly and turned, heading right for the exit.

Silas’s heart was pounding and his mind was spinning. He rushed out the door, ignoring the boos of the decoration ghost, and hurried outside. He didn't care that it had been raining, he continued to walk quickly, until he found himself in the middle of the car park. He was running on autopilot, unaware of his surroundings until he clipped a knee on the bumper of a silver Honda.

“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” Silas said, bending to rub his knee.

_ You're such a shit. [Everyone will be talking about Silas, the great bailer.]  _ **Worthless.** _ Call a cab and go home. You'll never be any good. You're stupid and worthless.  _ **_You’ve disappointed me Silas. You blew it._ **

“Stop it!” Silas shouted.

“Hey!” A woman's voice called from a few meters away. “You alright?” She asked.

Silas turned and saw a woman standing there, three meters away. He hadn't noticed her until then. She was rather short and dressed in a dark colored robe with tattered edges. She wore a silver coloured mask that covered her entire face, tilted up slightly. The lamp post seemed to reflect its orange glow in her eyes. She was holding a cigarette in a glove covered hand. When he didn't answer her question, she stepped closer.

“I asked if you're alright.” She said, taking a drag before dropping the butt to the damp ground and righting the tilt of her mask.

“Fine. I'm fine.” Silas said, voice cracking.

_ You're not fine. [Far from it.] You'll never be fine. _

“I said stop that.” Silas said turning away from the woman.

“Who're you talking to?” The woman asked.

“No one. It's nothing. I'm fine.” Silas snapped.

“Crazy.” The woman said; she sounded amused.

“I'm not crazy!” Silas snapped and turned back, but the woman was gone.

Silas stood there, confused. The voice of the strange woman sounded familiar but he couldn't place it. The rain started to fall harder and Silas stood there and started to cry. He wasn’t sure how long a time had passed but knew he couldn't go back inside. He eventually called for another taxi and just went home.

_ You are worthless. [No good Silas.] You’ll never keep friends.  _ **Worthless.** _ They hate you. We hate you. [She called him crazy.] She's right. _


	2. Chapter 2

The alarm buzzed and sent the mobile device vibrating against the papers that were strewn across the messy desk. It was loud and disruptive in the otherwise quiet of the cluttered office.

 _[He will make the sound stop or he's a piece of shit.]_ **Worthless.** _You do know they can hear it out there. You are disrupting them. You're no good. You upset them._ **Fuck up.** _[He will make the sound stop or he's a piece of shit.]_

The sound alerted Silas that the time was precisely twenty-five past one and his lunch break was over. He reached for the mobile and slid his finger across the screen to silence it; nearly dropping and landing it in the bin.

_[Incompetent Silas.]_ **Worthless.** _You should just go home._ **Fuck up.** _You’re no good._ **Worthless.**

Silas was able to catch and stop the device without further incident.

_ [Lucky catch.] You're still no good. _

He ignored the voices in his head and looked to his computer screen and his tired eyes strained. The image went blurry for the briefest of moments. He felt pressure in his head; the first inklings of a tension headache started to throb at his temples. Silas clicked out of a tab he’d had open and been reading during his break. It was about the proper watering techniques for runner beans. He laughed quietly to himself. He went through the routine of putting away the reusable pieces from his packed lunch set and moved the container onto a side table near to his desk. He reminded himself not to forget it before heading home later. He thought about leaving himself a note but unable to find a sticky pad on his mess of a desk he opted to rely on his mind alone.

 _You are going to forget it._ **Fuck-up.** _You will not remember it._

Silas turned back and looked at his lunch set. He felt a sudden uprise of anger towards it but the emotion was fleeting. Taking a deep breath, he moved it onto his desk so he could see it. He knew the voices were right about him going to forget it and wanted to prove them wrong. The constant beat of pain echoed in his ears.

_ You are still no good. _ **Worthless.** _ You're late with your assignment. _

Deadlines were the hardest part of the job according to Silas. Time and time again they proved to be the part of writing that he hated the most. Having deadlines was the part of writing he was the worst at. Words came easy to him and so did the research behind them. Getting his work done on someone else's timeline was his downfall.

‘Please Jesus, let me get this article done.’  _ Jesus can't help you. You're a sinner, a failure.  _ **No good.** _ You never get anything done. You're worthless. _

Silas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He reached up and pressed against his temples, hoping to stop the pain. When he opened his eyes again and stared at the blank wall to his right, he started zoning out.

_ [Silas should only be miserable. Silas isn't any good.] You should quit before you're fired.  _ ‘Please, not now, I don't feel well.’  _ [Not now. Not now. It's always not now.] You worthless shit. You're no good. Silas you're no good. _ ‘Stop it!’  _ [Stop it, he says. Stop it, stop it, stop it, he cries.] You're no good, you're useless. _

Silas swayed in his seat and the motion snapped him back to reality. His elbow knocked over his mug of tea and spilled the remainder of it all over the desk. Silas let out an aggravated sigh.

_ [Look what Silas just did.] You're such a mess Silas, a worthless shit.  _ **Worthless.** _ [What an asshole.] You're no good to anyone. _

Silas left the mess and dropped his head with a thunk to the edge of his desk. He wanted to cry and scream; he didn't. Instead, he sat up and went through the motions to clean his mess. He threw away papers he was sure he didn't need and salvaged the ones he thought he would. He set the soggy pages on the table behind him to dry. He turned back to his screen and stared at the article he'd been plugging away at since Monday. He didn't hear the loud knocking on his opened door and continued to stare at his screen. The pounding in his head came back and the words on the page looked jumbled. He closed his eyes again, took a breath and reopened them. There was a second knock. This one he heard but chose to ignore.

_ [Who is knocking?] You should maybe look, or maybe not, you know, it might be a bad idea. [Silas is worthless.] Go on, look up. [Evan is here with termination papers] You worthless shit. _

Silas continued to ignore the voices as well as the knock. He was determined to get this piece done before he went home for the night. It had been due on Tuesday, three days earlier. He needed to get it done and was sick of seeing the same body of work. Silas knew things were taking him longer than normal but he was set on catching up and moving on.

“Silas!” The person knocking finally said and leaned the top half of her body around the door frame. “Coffee?” It was Anna.

Silas looked over and didn’t look thrilled to see her. He was much too tired to deal with Anna’s chipper attitude and he was still worried she was mad at him for bailing out of the party on Saturday night. It was Thursday and Anna had told him, several times the last four days that it was fine and she wasn’t mad. Seeing Anna did give him some sort of relief; at least it wasn't his boss standing there.   
  
“I don’t drink coffee.” Silas reminded her, looking up from his work. “Besides, my break is over and I am really busy. Like, really busy.” He added.

_ So much catching up to do Silas. How will you get it done?  _ **Failure.** _ [It will never get done.] You can't do it. You're no good.  _ **Worthless.**

“Oh right, no coffee.” Anna said as she walked right into the office and took a seat in his extra chair. “Come take a break anyway. I will not tell Evan you have done so.” She said in a loud whisper. “I will buy you a tea or whatever else your little heart desires and I will help you out with your work when we get back.” She added with a bright smile.

Anna liked to help Silas when things started to pile up and she knew with him they often did. She liked any chance she got to work closely with the man. She liked how he remained closed off and secretive. She made it her mission to crack through his shell. Silas sighed. He hated having to break any routine but he hated the idea of upsetting Anna more. He looked at her and got up from his desk.

“Breakroom or cafe?” Silas asked with another sigh, wondering if he should grab his jacket or not.

“Cafe.” Anna answered. “I'm going stir crazy inside these walls today.” She explained.

Silas flinched at her choice of words but shook his head, telling himself to ignore it.

**Crazy.** _ She knows you're crazy.  _ ‘I'm not crazy.’  _ Yes you are, totally crazy. _

“Alright.” Silas said and took his jacket from the hook on the wall. “Give me a minute?” He added and went into his messenger bag to grab his afternoon pill and some paracetamol to stop the headache. 

He popped the pills into his mouth, swallowing them before he followed Anna out the door. The two left the building and walked the short distance to the small cafe down the street. They didn't talk on the walk over.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

“Are you upset that I am not done with the article yet?” Silas asked as they waited in line to order their drinks. “I know it's late, a few days late but I'll get it done.” He explained.

“Of course I'm not upset Sweetie.” Anna said and smiled at her friend. “Stop your worrying.” She said and placed her hand on his shoulder.

_ [She is lying.] You are in deep trouble. [Deep trouble.]  _ **Worthless.**

Silas shrugged away her touch. “Can you have them put nonfat milk in my tea?” He asked.

“Really?” Anna exclaimed, bewildered. “You’re what fifty kgs soaking wet?” She asked.

“Um, less, but it’s not a fat issue.” Silas said dismissively. “It just tastes better.” He added.

Silas was a good six inches shorter than Anna was, even without her heels on, and his build was impossibly skinny. He was all bones and sharp angles.

“Whatever you say little man.” Anna said lightly and smiled at him.

Anna ordered their drinks and offered to wait at the counter while Silas went to find a place for them to sit. The cafe was crowded but he found them a pair of seats near the front window. There were two big, comfortable chairs with a small table between them. An open newspaper had been left on one of the chairs. Silas moved it aside and took the seat facing the door. He looked outside and watched as people walked by along the busy street. He tried not to think about how many were out there and spent a good portion of his energy reminding himself that not one of them cared about him. He took the opportunity of being alone to convince himself she hadn't asked him out to get him into trouble.

_ Now don't get upset when she fires you. It will cause a scene.  _ **Worthless.** _ [She knows Silas is no good.] Don’t make a scene. People are already staring. _

After a few more minutes waiting, Anna approached the chairs and took a seat. She passed Silas his tea, white with three sugars, just how he liked it. Silas took it and thanked her with a smile. Anna smiled back at her friend and rested her cup against the knee she'd crossed over the other. Silas held onto the cup, enjoying the warmth of it in his hands. The chill of the early November air didn't agree with him as he was always cold.

“What's bothering you my dear?” Anna asked. “You look upset today.”

Silas shrugged. He didn’t want to talk about it. He never wanted to talk about it. Silas kept a lot to himself, even when it came to Anna. She knew enough about him but there were things even she didn’t know, things very few people knew.

“I am just really busy with work and I am falling behind.” He said and did not look to meet her eyes.

_ [Nice one.] Telling a higher up you are falling behind.  _ **Worthless.** _ [See? No good.]   _ **Worthless.**

“Oh, don’t you worry about that. I am here to help you out. I told you that.” Anna said. “Are you sure nothing outside work is bothering you?” She asked, genuinely concerned.

“Yeah, I am sure.” Silas lied.

Silas had been sleeping poorly and his mind had not been quiet all month. He blamed it on the change of season, which had been weeks ago so really it wasn’t the issue. He was extra careful to follow his routines but still he'd been struggling. Noises had kept him up in the night and on the nights it was quiet, his head throbbed with lingering migraines.

**Worthless.**

Anna smiled and took a drink of her coffee.

“So I bet you’d like to know why I asked you out for tea.” Anna said brightly.

“Um, yeah. I would.” Silas said quietly. “If it’s about me leaving on Saturday I am really sorry.” He said to her.

_ You’re not sorry. [Silas is rubbish. No good Silas.] _

“I have told you, do not worry. It happened.” Anna said.

“I um, I just started to feel sick. I am sorry.” He said anyways.

“Are you feeling better?” Anna asked him.

“I’m fine. I really am.” He said in reply.

**Liar.**

“I’m glad.” She said. “So I asked you here because I was wondering if you’d be up to going out for a drink with my brother after work tonight?” Anna said.

“Uh… you what?” Silas asked, looking across at Anna with his head tilted.

He was a little bit taken by the question, it had come as a little shock to him that she would ask him of all people. He stayed quiet, having never thought Anna would invite him to non-work related outings. Silas was not a social person. He didn’t have many friends growing up and it wasn’t much different now that he was in his late twenties. 

“My brother Noak?” Anna said. “Remember, he’s come from Sweden a month ago? You met him briefly at the party?” Anna went on.

Silas not only met Noak at the party, he had also heard a lot about him during conversations at work. He knew that Noak was three years older than Anna and that the siblings were best of friends. He knew that Noak had been involved in a terrible accident as a toddler, that it left him scarred and with lasting effects, but didn't know details of what actually happened. He knew Noak was shy, often wary of new people. He knew that the older Martensson moved to the UK not long after his sister did and that he was living just outside London. He knew Noak got along with his flatmate and that the two loved to watch horror movies and play video games. He knew Noak spoke three languages fluently and that he enjoyed to travel places. He knew that he was addicted to coffee and now he knew that Noak had wanted to meet him again.

“Yes, I know who you're talking about.” Silas said. “I'm just a bit confused.” He added.

“Confused, why?” She asked and went on before he could answer. “Noak asked me if I'd reintroduce you since the party was a bust. I think the two of you would hit it off. Would you like to go for drinks?” She said, sipping her black coffee. “He told me he really wished he got a better chance to talk to you that night. Between the music and you leaving, he hadn’t been able to. He thinks you are worth getting to know and I've told him you are simply wonderful.” She added.

“Who is wonderful?” Silas asked, looking down at the lid on his tea and not at the woman. He brought the cup to his lips, sipped at his tea. It was delicious, he thought.

“You are, you strange and silly man.” Anna had said. “That’s why I am asking if you’d like to go out with him.” She added.

_ [This is a lie, Silas.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You better watch it.  _ **Worthless.**

“T-to-tonight?” Silas had asked, mind racing for a good excuse not to go.

“Yes, after work. I can set it up. I know how much you hate to start conversations.” Anna said with a grin and she poked him in a teasing fashion. “I know I'm terrible just springing this on you. I sort of made plans with him tonight, forgetting I was already busy.” She added.

**Worthless.** _ You'll never make friends. _

“Drinks?” Silas squeaked out next.

“Yes, drinks.” Anna said with a laugh. “I assume you drink things. You’re drinking now of course. You can go for coffee and tea if you know, the pubs aren’t your thing. I think it might be nice. You should go. I think he’ll like you. I like you.” She explained.

“I don’t know.” Silas had said. “I don’t really leave the house when I am not at work.” He’d added, blissfully unaware how lame it made him sound.

“Well then more reason to go! It might be good for you to make a friend.” Anna had said brightly. “Come on!” She encouraged him.

“Oh. Well. Um.” Silas had muttered, stalling for time. “Why me?” He asked.

**Worthless.** _ Say no. Say no Silas. _

Anna laughed but it was not at him.

“Because I like you, Silas. Noak would like to get to know you too.” She said.   
  
“You won't be going with us though?” Silas asked and put his tea down on the table between them.

“Nah. I can’t.” Anna had said. “I have dinner with Evan and a few bigwigs from the parent company. I am getting so busy as I work for this promotion.” She went on to explain.

Silas was quiet for a long time, thinking it over. He really wanted to just say no but again, he found it hard to say no to Anna. He sighed and found himself nodding his head.

“Okay. Sure. I’ll meet him for coffee.” He had said. “But honestly, it’s only because I can’t think of a good excuse not to. I'm sorry.” He’d added.

“Great!” Anna had said, smiling.

“It’s not a date though.” Silas made sure to say. “Is it?” He asked.

Again, Anna laughed. “Not if you don’t want it to be.” She said with a grin. “Though if you want to know the truth, you are so his type.” She had added with a wink.

Silas paled in color.

_ Remember last time?  _ **Loser.** _ Dating ruined your life Silas.  _ **Worthless.** _ [You will always be no good.] _

“I don’t want it to be a date Anna.” He said a bit too quickly.

**_Yes you do, you animal._ **

“And I don’t mean that in a bad way. I am sure he is lovely but I am not the dating type and I don’t date so it’s just coffee.” Silas had said, starting to ramble.

“Alright. It’s not a date. Oh my gods Silas, you are too cute when you get flustered.” Anna said.

“Shut up.” Silas whispered.

He watched as Anna took out her mobile and started texting away. He didn’t ask her what she was doing, assuming she was telling her brother that he agreed.

_ What did you agree to?  _ **Worthless.**

“Can I give him your number?” Anna asked.

“Um, my number?” Silas said.

“So you two can coordinate where and when to go. I'll remind him not to call it, only text. I know you have a hearing issue and prefer to text.” She said and didn't look up from her phone.

“Right.” Silas replied.

_ A hearing issue? Wow your lies are getting worse.  _ ‘Technically, not a lie.’  _ Whatever helps you sleep at night, loser.  _ ‘I can hardly hear myself over you!’  _ Your thoughts are worthless anyway. _

“Excellent. Noak is excited to meet up with you.” Anna said, leaning against the table. “So, did you need a ride home tonight?” She asked, changing topics.

“Um. Sure.” Silas replied. “You really don't mind? It's so far out of the way.” He said.

“It’s fifteen minutes out of my way dear. I don’t ever mind doing it. I tell you that and I mean it. I wouldn't offer if it was a hassle.” Anna said to him, just like she did every other time he brought it up.

“You're sure he knows it's just drinks? I'm not looking to date or hookup.” Silas said.

**_Oh, you're dying for a hook-up._** ‘No!’ **_Liar, you need it._** **_You're dying to be roughed up and held down._** ‘Please stop.’ **_You want to beg for it._** ‘Shut up!’

“Calm down my silly friend.” Anna said reassuringly. “Noak is just looking for a friend. Besides, he might not even be the kind of guy you're into.” She said. “Do you even have a type?” She asked, poking him.

Silas turned a shade of dark pink. He looked down at his tea and tried to tell himself it was all going to be fine. He was going to get coffee and meet someone new, nothing he couldn’t handle, except it was everything he couldn’t handle.

“If you must know, I do have a type. No chance I'm telling you though.” Silas said with a smile.

‘He is so my type.’  **_Yeah he is. You’re gonna take him home and fu-_ ** ‘STOP IT!’  **Worthless.** _ You’re no good. _

Anna laughed.

“I don't see how I would be a good friend. I'm just me, the social equivalent of junk mail.” Silas whispered.

“Oh stop that. You are a great friend to me, Silas.” Anna said with a soft smile. “And I think you two will get along wonderfully. I really wouldn't trust anyone else with my dear brother.” She said.

“Okay. If you say so.” He muttered.

“I do say so. Now smile.” Anna said, raising her mobile.

“What?” Silas asked, flustered.

Anna snapped a picture of him and sent it to her brother.

“Just showing Noak what you look like, you know because your cat costume was so well done.” She said lightly teasing. “So he can find you.” She explained as she typed away.

Silas sighed heavily.

“Really? I must look awful.” He said.

“Surprised? Yes. Awful? No.” Anna said and showed him the pic.

“Is my hair really that frizzed out?” Silas asked and ran his narrow fingers through the knots.

“You look wonderful my dear.” Anna said.

“Um, yeah, sure.” Silas mumbled. "If you say so."

Anna went through her camera roll and found a picture of her brother. She pulled it up and turned the mobile to Silas.

“That’s him without all the silly face paint.” She said.

Silas looked at the picture and felt his stomach flutter. He thought Noak was gorgeous, totally his type- tall and scruffy.

‘Oh no.’ _Don’t go._ **_Oh yes._** ‘I can't do this.’ **_Yes you can. Maybe he can do you._** ‘Shut up.’

“Oh wow.” He sighed.

“What do you say we sneak back into the office and finish that article. I can really help you get it done within the hour and I’ll get you home early.” Anna said and finished off her coffee.

“Sounds good.” Silas said and gave a little nod in his friend’s direction.


	3. Chapter 3

Silas was sitting on the train headed towards London. He was thinking about the events from the work day in great detail. He recalled how he was so close to meeting his deadline for the article he’d been working on yet still allowed himself to be pulled away, distracted and social. He and Anna did manage to get it done in the end but it wasn't sitting right with him.

_ Social freak. [Totally useless.] _

As the train made its way through the green countryside and towards the city, Silas stared out the window. He had music playing softly through earbuds and it helped to calm him. It was Annie Lennox, his favourite. Silas did not like the crowdedness of the train and listening to the music helped him to block a lot of it out. His mind continued to think about the day he spent with Anna and how he agreed to meet her brother for coffee. He closed his eyes and when he opened them again he watched the green hills roll past in the fading light.

_ You're going to screw this up. [He's an embarrassment.] Just go home. _

The train pulled into a station, one just outside London and Silas knew it was his stop. He stood up and checked that he had all his belongings with him. His heart was beating rapidly. Once he was sure he had everything, he made his way to the doors and exited the train. He stood, dazed for a minute on the platform. He was snapped back to reality when a young man collided with him. Each muttered their apologies and once Silas felt himself calm enough to go, he walked away from the platform and down to the street below.

A glance at his mobile showed that he’d gotten no new messages. He pulled up his locations app and it told him it was going to be a ten minute walk. He stood off to the side to get himself ready to go. He made sure his earbuds were in place and his phone was in his back pocket. He checked he had his key and the book he'd been reading. Everything was accounted for. He took a deep breath and headed down the block to his destination.

Silas arrived at the coffee shop at half six. He was early. Silas was often early to things, having to rely on public transportation to get places. He almost always took the earlier option and spent a lot of time waiting. He never minded as it gave him time to read. The shop was in the outskirts of London. Noak picked the particular coffee shop, having been there several times before and liked the coffee. It was also in close proximity to his flat, on his way home from work. He'd offered to change locations upon learning Silas was nearly forty-five minutes away. Silas had said he didn't mind the trip. They had been exchanging texts for most of the afternoon. The texts were strictly informational, times and locations, etcetera.

Silas held his book under his arm as he made his way towards the counter to order. There was no line. He stepped right up. He looked up at the chalkboards that lined the wall behind the counter. None of the specialty drinks caught his eye. He was a tea drinker most of the time but as he waited, he thought that maybe he would change it up and order something different.

_ Don't fuck it up. [He's gonna fuck it up.] _

“Large coffee, please.” Silas said to the girl behind the counter. “Cream and a lot sugar.” He added.

“Sure thing.” The girl replied with a smile. 

Her name tag said Jennifer. She had platinum blonde hair, cut short and wore lots of makeup. She had a bubbly personality.

Silas felt uncomfortable as she seemed to be spending a lot of time staring at him. He forced a smile and it dropped the moment she turned away. Jennifer turned towards the coffee makers and saw she was low but not out of regular. She turned back to Silas.

“Do you mind waiting five minutes? This has been sitting a while. I can brew a whole new pot.” She said with a flirty grin.

Silas fidgeted with the edges of his book and shrugged. He felt awkward under her gaze. He thought about saying he wouldn’t mind the coffee that was sitting. He didn’t.

“Yeah. No problem.” He mumbled.

“Great! Your total is £2.50.” She said after punching some buttons on her register screen.

Silas nodded and paid with a handful of coins.

“Why don’t you go have a seat? I’ll bring it to you when it's ready.” Jennifer said.

“Thanks.” Silas said.

He walked to a table near the back and pulled out a chair that faced the door. He set his book down and dug his house key out of his back pocket. He set the key down next to the book and got his mobile from the other pocket. He rolled up his earbuds and set them down as well. Silas unlocked his phone to check if there were any text messages from Noak and there were not. Finally he sat down. He put the phone down and picked up the book. He opened to the page he had marked with an old receipt. He started to read and got as far as the third paragraph before he felt eyes on him.

_ They stare because you're hideous. _

His body tensed and he looked up. Jennifer was looking at him. She smiled. He looked away when she didn't.

_ Ugly shit.  _ **_Ugly but can still get some because you're desperate enough._ ** ‘Shut up.’  _ [She's just as crude as he is.] Disgusting. [She's disgusting. Encourages Silas to sin.] _

Silas looked down at the page again. He sighed, having read the same four lines over and over. He couldn't concentrate. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them again he tried to keep reading. He kept losing his place. Frustrated, he closed the book. He picked up his phone and checked for messages. There still weren't any.

_ Noak isn't going to show. Anna set you up because she hates you. [That girl is watching him.] Bet she stopped staring you ugly shit.  _ **Worthless.** _ [You're no good.]  _

He started to think about whether or not he looked okay. He was nervous and wanted to make a good, second first impression. Since he hadn't been sleeping well he had dark circles under his bright green eyes. He'd gone home after work that day to prepare. He had washed and brushed out his shoulder length hair and as it dried, the straight locks started to wave. He dressed in a pair of black skinny jeans, dark grey trainers and a moss green jumper. His stomach started to knot as his nerves got the better of him. He tried to concentrated on his breathing and think happy thoughts. 

After a few minutes, Jennifer walked over to Silas’s table and set down his order with a couple of napkins. The act startled Silas. Jennifer also set down a small plate with a few raspberry biscuits.

“Large coffee, light and very sweet.” Jennifer said. “Biscuits are on the house.” She added and was smiling again.

“Thanks.” He said, flatly.

He turned his head and looked at his coffee. It looked okay.

_ [Should trust he it?] We wouldn't trust it.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Could have poisoned it.] Drink it, you little shit. [He knows he should watch. Stupid.] _

“Anything else I can get for you?” Jennifer asked as she leaned against the table.

“No, thanks.” Silas said shortly. He didn't look up at her, feeling uncomfortable again. He started to doubt his choice leaving the house.

_ Totally just bale. Just go. [That's stupid.]  _ **Dumbass** _. [Silas is stupid.] Your coffee is poison. _

The idea that he could just leave seemed appealing. He could just ditch out. It wouldn't be the worst thing he'd done in his life. He told himself he wanted to be there, that he didn't want to upset Anna and he was excited to meet Noak properly. He wasn’t going to let Jennifer ruin this for him. He was done letting other people ruin his days. The concept was easier thought than done.

_ People will still ruin your days, you're no good Silas. [No good.]  _ ‘I'll stay.’  _ You really don't want to stay.  _ **Worthless.** _ [He's stupid. His coffee is poisoned. He'll never make a friend.]  _

“Alrighty. As long as you're good I'll be at the counter.” Jennifer said with another smile and her cheery tone in place. “You just let me know if you need anything.” She added and winked. She stepped back from the table but didn't walk away.

“Thanks.” Silas said again, this time he looked up.

“I hope you don't mind me saying, but you have really nice hair. Like really nice.” Jennifer said.

Silas forced a smile. “Thanks.” He said yet again.

The two looked at one another, Jennifer with confidence and Silas with confusion as to why she was still there.

“Your eyes are pretty too.” She said. “Green is so much nicer than boring brown like I've got.” She added with a laugh. “The color of your jumper really brings them out, you know.”

“I'm waiting for someone. My boyfriend.” Silas blurted out; it just clicked in his mind that she'd been flirting with him and the words just came out of his mouth.

_ HAHAHA!  _ **Worthless.**

“Oh. I- I'm sorry.” Jennifer said and sounded disappointed and a little embarrassed.

She turned and rushed back to the counter. Silas watched as Jennifer kept herself busy cleaning until a group of teenagers walked in. Silas reached for his coffee and took a sip. It tasted fresh and was sweetened just right.

_ [They poisoned it.] You're going to die alone while everyone in here watches.  _ **Disgusting.** ‘Stop. It's fine.’  _ You didn't watch her. [He should have watched her.] _

He took another sip but pushed the biscuits aside. He reopened his book and started to read. He still felt distracted but was able to keep his place. He got sucked into the words and ignored the shop and its patrons around him. He read quietly and let the world inside the book take him. When he reached the end of the chapter he marked his place and closed the book. He picked up his coffee and finished what was left. He looked around. The place had gotten crowded.

_They're staring at you. You want to go home?_ **Worthless.** _You should go home._ ** _No, stay and get laid tonight._** _[Filthy sinner. You'll burn for that.]_ _Hurry home before the poison kills you. [SILAS IS NO GOOD.] They're staring at you._ **Worthless. Freak.** _You're so useless._ **Freak.**

Silas started to panic as the voices got louder. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He told himself it was okay. No one in the shop was there to hurt him. No one cared he was there. He started to focus on his breathing. He used a calming technique his therapist taught him. He opened his eyes and chanced a glance at Jennifer, who'd been joined by a second barista. He noted she was still looking over at him. He turned to look at the door. The time was just past seven and Noak should have been there. He watched as the door to the coffee shop opened. It was no different than any other time, the bell above it chimed and someone walked through.

Silas thought about leaving but stayed put when he saw it was a very tall, dirty-blonde man walking in. He recognized the man as Noak and Noak must have recognized Silas as well as he headed towards the back where he was sitting.

Silas watched as Noak moved towards him. He was dressed in dark blue jeans that were ripped at the knees and had on a pair of heavy black boots. His shirt was plain black and fit him snuggly. He wore a dark grey hoodie with the zip open. Silas noticed a braided rope around his neck with a silver pendant, shaped like Saturn hanging from it. Around his left wrist was a watch. It had a large face and the numbers seemed to glow from the deep blue backdrop. Silas stood up and stayed next to the table. He had to look up to see the taller man’s face. He felt his heart drop into his stomach. The man was more gorgeous than he remembered. And a lot taller.

“Um, hi.” Silas said and let out a little hiccup. He immediately stepped closer and threw his arms around the other man. He pulled him down and pressed a kiss to his lips. He had to push up onto his tiptoes to reach.

_Really? [Hahaha.]_ ** _Down boy!_** ‘Fuck.’ _Wow._

Silas felt Noak tense at the kiss. He let go of the taller man, stepped back immediately and shot a glance towards Jennifer, to make sure she saw it. She did. He then looked down at the floor. A pang of regret shook him.

“Shit, please forget that happened.” Silas whispered towards the beige tiles.

_ Did you really just do that?  _ **Worthless.** _ [I didn't know he had it in him.]  _ **_I did._ ** _ [DISGUSTING!] _

“I am sorry.” Silas said and looked up at the man. Noak was a lot taller than Silas, looming over him. He stood 6 foot 9, while Silas was barely 5 foot 6.

The two just stood there awkwardly for a moment. Silas’s hands were shaking, more than they usually did. It was his nerves and not his tremors. He started to panic; he made things awkward. His heart was racing, thwacking the inside of his ribcage and he felt himself start to zone out. He felt sick to his stomach. He closed his eyes and turned his face away from Noak.

Noak looked at the other man. He couldn't help but think this was probably the strangest moment of his life. He wasn’t upset or angry it happened. He was deeply confused but he smiled and a quiet little laugh slipped out.

Silas opened his eyes but wouldn’t look up at Noak. The reality of what he’d just done started to sink in. He was already anxious about being around so many other people, now he added the extra touch of being inappropriate. Despite the bold move on his part he felt weird, more weird than he usually felt. He reminded himself this wasn't a date. It was coffee. He had to stop freaking himself out.

“Hi?” Noak said.

The greeting fell on deaf ears as Silas was freaking out inside. He eventually looked up at the taller man but said nothing. Noak stayed quiet as he looked down at Silas. His crystal clear blue eyes locked on the shorter man’s bright green ones. Silas looked away, uncomfortable with eye contact.

“Hi I’m S-silas.” Silas stuttered. “It’s uh, it’s nice to meet you, Noak. Meet you again, I mean.” He said, stumbling over his words.

Silas started to laugh at himself. It was a nervous laughter. He smiled awkwardly up at Noak and Noak smiled back shyly.

“Hi Silas. It’s nice to meet you again as well. Much quieter environment dan deh fancy dress party.” The taller man said.

Noak’s voice was softer and higher than Silas expected from a man his size. It had a bit of a nasal note to it, like he was constantly congested. His Swedish accent was thicker than his sister's was but his command of the English language was near perfect, would have been perfect if not for an obvious speech impediment. Silas liked the sound of his voice though.

The accident that happened when Noak was a child cracked his skull wide open and despite several surgeries, his sinus cavities never healed right and left him unable to properly pronounce certain sounds. It was most noticeable when he needed to use ‘TH’ in words but he'd come leaps and bounds with other combinations he'd struggled through in his early life. He was also missing a small portion of his tongue but that only mildly affected some of his speech. Noak’s right eye socket was not symmetrical to the other. His nose was a bit flattened on one side. A large scar ran through the right side of his face, from the bridge of his nose all the way down, through his lip. It branched out, just under his cheekbone and once more towards his jaw.

Silas liked the look of Noak too, not just his voice. The scars that covered half his face did not distract from his stunningly good looks. Silas felt his stomach flip-flop much like it had when he first saw him on Saturday night. He liked him much better without the zombie makeup.

He reached over and pointed to the chairs but said nothing. He felt that he’d gone momentarily stupid. He wasn’t going to lie to himself. He thought the taller man was incredibly attractive.

“Did you want to sit?” Noak asked, slightly confused with the smaller man's behavior.

**_Fuck him, I dare you._ ** _ Uh, so crude.  _ **_Am not._ ** _ You are.  _ **_Go on, ask to fuck._ ** _ [Filthy Silas. Disgusting Silas.] _

“Shut up.” Silas muttered quietly.

Noak looked at Silas with a hint of confusion still on his face. Silas just shook his head to brush it off.

“Nothing.” He said.

_ Yeah nothing. _ **Worthless.** _ [Just Silas talking to himself.] Fucking crazy.  _ ‘I am not crazy.’  **Crazy.**

Noak nodded and went back to studying the smaller man’s face. He didn't think the poor lighting at the fancy dress party or the photo Anna had shown him of Silas did the man any justice. He found himself immediately attracted. Noak took notice that his eyes were bright shades of many different greens and framed in thick, dark lashes. His rounded nose and sharp cheekbones were dusted with freckles. His lips were pouty and a deep shade of pink. Noak was definitely attracted to the smaller man and was interested to see where this would go, if it went anywhere. He had hopes but zero expectations. They stood there for another half a minute.

“Did you want to sit back down?” Noak tried again.

Silas nodded. He walked around to the far side of the small table. Noak pulled out the chair opposite the one Silas had and the two men sat down. Silas tapped his fingers along the top of the table before he spoke up.

“Listen, Noak. I’m sorry I just kissed you like that. I don’t usually do that sort of thing.” He started.

**_You used to._ ** ‘NOT ANYMORE!’ **Dipshit.** ‘Please stop.’  **_Kiss him again!_ **

“I panicked.” Silas added and laughed quietly.

“Do you often kiss people while panicking?” Noak asked lightly.

Silas paled in color. He shook his head no.

“I, I, um, told the girl behind the counter I was waiting on someone so she’d stop hitting on me. She made me really uncomfortable and I now realize I probably just made you uncomfortable as well and I'm sorry.” Silas rambled.

Noak laughed quietly. “It is okay. Not uncomfortable.” He said. “It came as a shock, ja, but I assure you it is okay.” He added.

“I am so sorry.” Silas went on.

“No harm done.” Noak said with another small smile. “Definitely unique in terms of icebreakers.” He teased.

  
Noak reached across the table and gently touched Silas’s hand. He pulled it away when the smaller man immediately tensed. Silas said nothing. He still felt bad about this whole situation. He’d let it go since it seemed Noak was not bothered by the impromptu kiss.

Silas sat quietly and studied the other man. Silas was first attracted to his size; he was almost always interested in men that were bigger than he was, and Noak fit that description well. He studied his face intently. He liked that Noak looked friendly but probably could quite easily make himself look threatening. His eyebrows were full of expression, not quite sure what emotion they wanted to portray. His eyes were kind and carried the softness found in his lopsided smile. His eyes were an incredible shade of blue, a shade like Silas had never seen before. Noak had a few day's worth of stubble growing along his jaw and down his neck and the start of a mustache growing in as well. He looked scruffy and Silas liked scruffy.

Noak felt that Silas was staring a bit too long and he started to feel self conscious. He hated when people stared; people spent years staring. The thought that Silas had stared at him because he liked what he saw never crossed his mind.

“So you found deh place alright. Not a bad little shop?” Noak said to break the silence.

Silas nodded his head.

“Yes. Not far from the train at all, just like you told me. Your directions were perfect by the way, so, um, thank you.” Silas said, leaving off the part where he used a GPS to find it because his paranoia made him. “And yeah, it’s not bad. The coffee is quite good too.” Silas said and lifted his empty cup.

“Ah, did you wait long for me?” Noak asked. “I left work to come straight here. I am sorry dat I was a few minutes late. London traffic is a real pain dis time of night.” He said. 

Silas shook his head no about the wait.   
  
“I’m always early to avoid being late.” Silas said with a quiet laugh. “I wasn’t sure what time the train would get me here so I just came early. I did not have to wait long, so no worries Noak.” He said.

“I can drive you home later if you would like dat. I do not mind.” Noak offered. “Trains can be awful.” He added, knowing it was true.

Silas smiled nervously and half shrugged. He looked down at the table but then right back at Noak.

“You don’t have to do that.” He said quietly. “But thank you for the offer.” He added, hoping that was what was polite.

Silas looked down at the table again. He felt awkward when people offered to go out of their way for him. He wasn't used to people being nice to him, especially not without wanting something in return. The pair got quiet and Silas wondered if maybe he’d said something wrong. Maybe in not taking the taller man’s offer for a ride home he had been rude. He didn’t know.

**_Well, there goes your chance to fuck him._ ** ‘Shut up Jezebel!’  _ Poor Silas, you want to leave don't you?  _ ‘You shut up too!’

Silas had been looking at Noak and he closed his eyes at the words. He opened his eyes again. He wondered what he could talk about to keep the conversation going. He figured Anna would be a good topic. She was something the two had in common.

“Your sister is a good friend.” Silas said. “She’s been great to me since starting at the paper.” He added.

“Ja, I do have a good sister. Anna is a wonderful person. She is quite funny and I’ve always enjoyed her company.” Noak said.

“She's funny, has always been the one in the building making jokes.” Silas said. “And she can cheer me up when I am feeling down, which happens a lot.” He added and gave a twitchy shrug.

Noak laughed. “Sounds about right. My dear sister is a clown.” He said with a smile.

“She works hard too, so don’t think I don’t think that. I am rather impressed with her work ethic. I am glad that we are friends and that she always has a positive thing to say about my writing, even if it’s in need of work.” Silas went on. “Everyone we work with is a lot older and some of them are not so kind when I make a mistake.” He added.

“Anna talks about you often, Silas.” Noak said. “She says dat of anyone in deh office, she talks to you deh most and dat she would even if you were not working togeder. She tells me you're mysterious but also dat you're kind to her.” He added.

Silas smiled. He never realized that Anna cared for him so much. It was nice to hear.

“Yes, um, the two of us talk the most, not that I ever have a lot to say. Believe it or not, I'm usually quiet. I don't know if shy is the right word.” He said. “Um, awkward?” He laughed nervously.

“She said you might be quiet.” Noak said with a grin.

Silas looked down at the table as his cheeks flushed a bright pink.

“And here I am running my mouth making a liar out of her.” He said quietly.

“I will be sure to call her out on it.” Noak said.

Silas immediately looked up at the other man.

_ She'll never speak to you again. [Not shocking.] You'd never kept friends very long. _

“Don’t.” Silas said with wide eyes. “Oh please don’t do that.” He pleaded.

“Alright. I will not.” Noak said with a laugh.

There was a moment of slightly uncomfortable silence. 

“How do you like the UK?” Silas asked. “You're here what, a month now?” He said.

Silas looked at Noak as they spoke and he absently picked at his nails.

“About, ja. Almost five weeks.” Noak answered. “Has Anna told you everyding about me?” He asked.

“Not everything.” Silas replied.

**_Definitely didn’t say he was a fuckable beast._ ** ‘You stop that.’  _ [Don't encourage his sinful urges. Silas is filthy and needs no push.] You need help, loser. _

“Well dat is good as I would be worried about running out of dings to say.” Noak teased.

“You like talking about yourself then?” Silas teased back.

“Just a little.” Noak replied with a lopsided grin.

Silas smiled softly.

“So do you like it here?” Silas asked again. “Anna says it's very different from the place you grew up.” He added.

“I do like it here. It is different in many ways but deh same in oders. I miss home sometimes but I enjoy myself here.” Noak answered. “I have met some interesting people and I love my job. It feels less dead end dan my previous one.” He added.

“What do you do?” Silas asked.

“I work wid computers. I mostly do IT work for Saert Logistics.” Noak said. “I have also been working on coding new computer programs but dat is more of a hobby.” He added.

Silas smiled.

“I write.” Silas said. “Work for the paper. Your sister is my editor, blah, blah blah.” He added with a silly smile.

“Would you like anoder coffee?” Noak asked, wanting one himself. “It is my treat.” He added with a smile.

The shorter man accepted the offer with a nervous smile. He told himself it would be okay. Coffee was a lot less going out of the way than the offer to bring him home was. 

“How do you take it?” Noak asked.

“In a cup.” Silas answered. “Sorry.” He said sheepishly, with a laugh at himself.

**Loser.** ‘I agree this time.’

He closed his eyes then opened them again, looking up at Noak.

“Lame attempt to be funny.” He whispered, embarrassment clear on his features.

Noak laughed and his smile reached his eyes. He genuinely thought it was funny. He got up from his chair.

“Cream with a lot of sugar.” Silas answered more seriously. “Please and, um, thank you.” He was sure to add.

“You got it.” Noak said with another smile and wink.

He dug his wallet out of his back pocket and turned to get in line. Silas held on to the table they had made their own in the time they’d been talking. He cleared up a bit. He pushed his book and earbuds over to the side and dropped his empty coffee cup into the bin behind him. Silas held onto his mobile but turned his attention to Noak again. He smiled shyly at him as the taller man looked back. Noak turned to the barista when it was his turn to order. It was Jennifer, the blonde. He looked at her with a purposeful stare. He dropped his eyes to her name tag briefly.

“Hi Jennifer. Can I get a large coffee wid a shot of espresso and a lot of milk?” Noak said, tone loud and he laid on the kindness heavily. “Please.” He added.

“Sure.” She replied with a strange smile.

Noak could sense his stare had made her uncomfortable. He felt bad but not enough to stop.

“Anything else?” She asked.

Noak smiled back at her.

“Ja. My boyfriend would like a large coffee wid cream and extra sugar.” Noak answered.

He glanced back at Silas and winked again.

Silas turned a pale shade of red but he smiled at Noak. He covered his face with his hands and giggled quietly. He peeked back at Noak.

“S-sure.” Jennifer said, getting the hint that Silas was definitely not interested.

Noak paid and waited for the order. He thanked Jennifer when she passed him the cups. He smiled once more, a thank you for her time. Noak came back to the table and set Silas’s coffee in front of him before he sat back down.

“I can't believe you just lied like that.” Silas said with a nervous laugh. “But thank you.” He added.

Noak smiled and nodded his head.

“Well, you did just kiss me.” Noak said with a smirk. “It was my turn to be so upfront.” He added.

Silas opened his mouth and closed it again. “Fair point.” He said eventually.

“I do not dink she will boder you any longer.” Noak said.

Silas nodded and sipped his coffee. He held the cup up, letting the steam from the top warm his face.

“You don't think she spit in our drinks, do you?” Silas asked; he was being paranoid.

_ [She totally spit in your drinks.] _

Noak sipped his coffee; it wasn’t quite as strong as he prefered.

“She would not dare.” Noak said matter of factly. “Big scary Swede to kick her arse if she tried.” He added, obviously joking.

Silas continued to hide behind his coffee cup. He was watching Noak. He eventually set the cup down on the table.

“I don't think you're scary.” He whispered with a smile.

Noak smiled back.

“As for Jennifer, I would not worry yourself. As you know, I have been here before and I know her well enough to know dat is her deal. She hits on anyding with a penis.” Noak said. “She is creepy, ja, but harmless.” He added.

Silas nodded and sipped his coffee. He wondered if it was the smartest of ideas to drink another. His body was already buzzing from the caffeine in the first. There was a reason he drank tea most of the time.

“So, you just came from work.” Silas said.

**Worthless.**

He already failed miserably at holding interesting conversation. He was back on the small talk route and the topic was terrible.

_ Lame. No one ever talks about work. [You are so incompetent. So worthless.] Such a waste of space. [You're just no good.] _

“I did.” Noak replied. “It was a long day.” He added.

Silas blushed a pink color in his cheeks and neck. He picked up his coffee and took a big gulp of it. He felt this situation getting increasingly awkward. He looked away and felt like he wanted to cry.

_ Ya blew it.  _ **Worthless.** _ [He hates you.] _

Noak seemed to sense that Silas started to panic because he swooped in with a conversation saver.

“What do you dink of deh book?” He asked and pointed towards the novel that had been set to the side.

It was a copy of Andy Weir’s  _ The Martian _ . Silas followed Noak’s hand and he stared at the book for a moment.

“I'm only three chapters into it.” Silas explained. “But it's got me intrigued.” He was quick to add. “Have you read it?” Silas asked.

“One of deh greatest Sci-fi stories ever told.” Noak said, implying he'd read it.

“I am into science fiction books but not sure on this one.” Silas started.

Noak gasped. “Oh well, if you hate it, den dis whole boyfriend ding would never work out.” He teased.

Silas looked across at him. His expression was blank.

_ [Told him.] B-L-E-W it.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Why do you even bother?] _

“It was a joke.” Noak whispered.

_ [You are a joke.] _

Silas nodded slowly and smiled. He put his hand on the book and dragged it across to sit between them.

“Um, Anna suggested it to me. Also the reviews I have read about it have been positive, so I thought, why not?” Silas said. “It's good so far, but I'm often warey of books with high praise.” He explained. “Sometimes they let me down.” He said.

Noak smiled. “I read it in a day.” He said.

Silas smiled back at him.

“That good?” He asked.

“Better.” Noak replied. “I would have read it faster if it were possible. I can comfortably say dat it is my favourite book.” He said and laughed quietly.

Silas was charmed. Noak’s laugh was adorable, he thought. He wanted to tell Noak how adorable the sound was but with a quick thought, decided it would be weird. He kept the thought to himself.

“You like to read then?” Silas asked instead.

“When I have deh time to I love to read.” Noak said with a nod.

“Me too. I read a lot.” Silas said. “I have a lot of time.” He added with a laugh.

“I wish I had time to read more.” Noak sighed thoughtfully.

“You should make time.” Silas said and sat up a little straighter in the chair and rested his elbows on the table.

“I should.” Noak agreed. “Maybe I will.” He added with a smile.

“So, if I like this book, um, would you like to recommend any to me?” Silas asked. He read so much he was always looking for more ideas. He finished his coffee and bounced the empty cup between his hands.

“Sure. If you are willing to trust my recommendations.” Noak replied.

Silas nodded. 

“Yeah, sure. Maybe we can give one another books to read.” Silas said with a bright grin.

“So does dis mean you want to see me again?” Noak asked lightly, and smirked at Silas over his coffee cup.

_ No one likes you, you shit. _

Silas frowned. He looked down at the table. “You don't?” He whispered.

“I did not say dat.” Noak replied.

Silas looked up and his eyes went wide. He smiled brightly but stayed calm enough to not seem desperate. Silas found himself nodding.

“Yeah, I guess it does then.” He said, thoughtfully. “I would really like to see you again.” Silas said with a head tilt and his tongue poked out the side of his mouth.

They smiled at one another. Noak's smile was closed lip and sweet; it rounded his cheeks. Silas’s smile was all teeth, like a snapshot of him laughing.

“It also means you assume dat I would trust your list of book recommendations.” Noak pointed out.

“I've got good taste.” Silas teased. “Of course you'd like all of them.” He added.

“I look forward to deh first.” Noak said with a laugh.

The men sat in a comfortable quiet. Noak finished his coffee. Silas watched him. Noak felt more at ease with Silas than he did with most people he was meeting for the first time. Silas felt very comfortable around Noak as well.

“I’ve told you mine, so I should ask, what is your favorite book?” Noak asked, breaking the period of quiet.

Noak set his empty cup down on the table and leaned back in his chair. He stretched out his legs. He brushed against Silas and apologized. Silas shook his head and dismissed the apology. Silas then pursed his lips and gave himself time to think.

“I don't know if I really have a favorite.” He answered.

Noak looked at him with his head tilted.

“Surely d’ere are at least a few you could pick from.” Noak said.

Silas nodded and bit his lip.

“Okay.” Silas said and took a moment to think it over. “I really like Tolkien’s  _ The Hobbit. _ ” Silas began. “ _ Murder on the Orient Express _ is probably the book I've read the most. I really like Agatha Christie books. I've read them all, at least twice.” He continued. “And I liked  _ Angels and Demons _ by Dan Brown.” Silas concluded.

“I haven't read any of d’ose but I did read  _ Deh Davinci Code _ . It was decent, not great.” Noak said. “Well, if I may be honest, more dan not great.”

“I liked it.” Silas whispered. “How about I recommend that you read  _ Angels and Demons _ . I promise you, it's better than the first one.” Silas said. “I'll finish this Martian book and well, um, you read that.” He added.

“Alright. Should be easy enough to get a copy of it.” Noak said.

“You can borrow mine, if you can’t find one.” Silas whispered.

The sound of chairs being moved around snapped the pair from their conversation. Silas looked up and saw that Jennifer was wiping down empty tables and the other barista had started to move around the furniture to sweep.

“It is getting late.” Noak commented as he looked down at his watch. “After eight.” He said.

“Wow time flies.” Silas whispered. “I suppose we should head out then. They look like they want to close up.” He added.

Noak sighed. Silas was right but he didn't want to go just yet. He was having a wonderful time with Silas. Anna was correct by saying an evening out would be better than a night sat at home playing video games with his flatmate, again.

“Ja.” He sighed. “May I walk you out?” He asked.

Silas smiled for the countless time that evening.

“Yes.” He said. “Thank you.” He whispered.

The two men got up from their seats. Silas gathered up his belongings and Noak collected the empty cups to drop in the bin. They made their way out of the coffee shop and stood outside. They stood close together. Noak was looking down at Silas as he looked up at him. They both looked like they had something to say but neither knew which one should speak first or exactly what to say.

“Silas, I had a nice time wid you.” Noak said. 

“I had a nice time too.” Silas said. “We should do this again.” He added with a hopeful tone.

_ [Oh, please! Like that will ever happen.]  _ **Worthless.** _ When you say goodbye, it’s for good. _

“I’d enjoy anoder chance to see you.” Noak said with a shy smile.

Silas looked up at him and smiled brightly. “Have a good night then.” He said.

“Are you sure you do not want a ride home?” Noak asked. “I promise I do not mind.” He added; he really didn't.

Silas stood there for a moment. He really hated the idea of inconveniencing the man. He thought that the time they spent together had been a good time. He didn’t want to ruin that.

_ [He should say no.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You don’t deserve this kind of friend, any friend.  _ **_Say yes and go fuck him._ ** _ [He's no good.] _

“Sure.” Silas found himself saying with a smile.

**_Yes!_** ‘Stop.’

“There is a pub near my house, they stay open until eleven. Would you like to grab something to eat?” He asked.

Noak smiled. “Ja. I’d like dat.” Noak said. “Come on. I parked down dis way.” He said.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Mentions of severe past abuse**

Noak drove the forty five minutes from the outskirts of London to the small town south of Ipswich. Silas didn’t talk very much on the ride and Noak was content to listen to his music at a low volume. Any talking that had occurred was mostly Silas giving Noak directions. When it got too quiet, Noak made the music a little bit louder. Silas was tapping along with the drums to a song unknown to him. Silas found himself staring at Noak by the time they had pulled onto the motorway.

‘I think about you a lot. Everyday since that party. Fuck, I came so hard last night thinking about sucking you off.’  _ Disgusting. _

“I am sorry but I tend to overshare when I’m comfortable with someone.” Silas blurted out, cheeks flushed pink.

Noak turned to him, clicking on his blinker to change into the faster lane. He lowered the music once again.

“I appreciate dat you are comfortable around me Silas, but you know you haven't said anyding?” Noak said, mildly confused.

“Oh.” Silas whispered. “Just a thought then.” He said with a sheepish smile.

“Is it a dought word sharing?” Noak asked.

“Not really.” Silas whispered and flushed a deeper red. He looked down at his fingers as they fidgeted in his lap. His cuticles were starting to look raw. He’d been picking them.

Noak didn't push for answers. He reached to make the radio louder as  _ Enter Sandman _ by Metallica started to play. He unconsciously tapped the steering wheel along with the drums. Silas smiled as he watched him. He could tell that Noak liked the song. It made Silas happy to see Noak like that. His heart fluttered when Noak started singing. The two didn't say anything the entirety of the song. Noak sang and Silas listened. 

“I thought about you when I wanked last night.” Silas said quietly, once the song was over. “Dressed up in that costume from Saturday.”

It wasn't exactly too quiet as Noak heard him clearly. Noak kept his eyes on the road. He lowered the volume once more.

“Dere is deh over sharing.” The taller man whispered. He felt awkward about it but he didn't feel embarrassed.

Silas was embarrassed and wondered if maybe it had embarrassed Noak too. He tried to push the thought of Noak dressed in his priest costume from his mind but had no luck. It just popped back in there and wouldn't leave. He felt his cheeks flush.

“Oh God, I’m sorry.” Silas sighed, burying his face in his hands. “I don't know why I just said that.” He whined. He was starting to panic.

“Don’t be sorry. I mean, I'd be a liar if I said you didn't cross my mind deh last time I did it.” Noak said and looked at Silas. His cheeks were bright pink.

**_Oh he's interested. Go for it._ **

Silas felt his belly flutter and he chanced a glance at the taller man through his fingers. He looked away from Noak and out the passenger window. He didn't know what to say. It was quiet again but the rest of the drive was not as awkward as either man had anticipated.

Eventually, they pulled into the parking lot of Maggie Duke’s Pub. It was just after nine. Noak shut the engine and looked at Silas as he unfastened his seat belt.

“So, um, see that house up there?” Silas asked, pointing to the run down farmhouse at the top of the town’s only hill.

“Ja.” Noak said, leaning over to see better out the passenger side window.

The action set Noak’s body closer to Silas and Silas couldn't help but take a deep breath.

‘Wow, he smells really good.’  **_How good?_ ** _ Ugh, vile.  _ **_Good enough to skip dinner and head home?_ ** ‘Stop it, Jez.’  _ She's terrible isn't she? [The worst, after Silas, of course.] ‘Leave me alone.’  _ **_You want something in your mouth but it's not food. Go on, skip dinner and bring him home with you._ ** _ Ask him to leave, you can walk home and remain alone. _ **_You're losing your edge, my man._ **

“That’s where I live.” Silas explained, eyes closing against the voices. 

“Bet it’s a lot more quiet dan my place.” Noak said with a smile. “My flat is in a very busy area of deh city.” He leaned back from Silas and settled against his seat once more.

“It’s pretty quiet.” Silas said with a laugh and took off his seatbelt.

_ It's not quiet. Don't lie to yourself. [Quiet? What a loser.] _

He got out of the car and leaned down to look at Noak who hadn't moved.

“Are you, um, are you still coming?” He asked, wondering if maybe the taller man had changed his mind about dinner.

‘Did I fuck this up?’  _ [Duh!]  _ **Worthless.** _ Of course you did you shit.  _ **_Ask him to fuck. Come on._ ** _ He’s going and you’ll never see him again. _

“Can you give me a moment?” Noak asked. “I’d like to call my sister back as she's left me a voice message. I’ll meet you inside?” He said.

Silas nodded his head and shut the door. He turned to walk away. He tried to tell himself he didn't mess up the chance to make a friend. He had a hard time believing it though. He believed that Noak would drive off once he was out of view.

As he crossed the car park, something in the distance caught his eye. He did a double take. There wasn't anyone around. He felt confused when he thought he saw movement from the far side of the mostly empty lot but upon looking again, he only saw parked cars.

_ What was that Silas?  _ ‘Nothing. Just my eyes playing tricks.’  _ You sure about that?  _ ‘Not really.’  _ Scared? _ ‘No. It's nothing. I saw nothing.’  **Liar.**

Silas picked up the pace and hurried inside. He waved towards the bar and took a seat at his usual table in the far corner of the pub. Silas was friendly with the family that owned the pub and had spent a lot of time there over the years. He was thankful it wasn’t crowded. He was sure the late hour had a lot to do with it. An older gentleman brought him a plate of chips and a Coke while he waited patiently for Noak.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Silas was sitting quietly when Noak finally walked in. He felt a little better, knowing he hadn't been ditched. He waved to him and watched as the tall man walked over. He was picking at his plate of chips. They were mostly gone and Silas was surprised; he'd been hungrier than he thought. Noak slid into the booth across from him and smiled.

“Hi again.” Noak said.

“Hi.” Silas said, blushing. “Been a while, no?” He teased with a smile. “Chips?” He asked and pushed the plate towards Noak.

Noak nodded and took two.

“Are things okay with Anna?” Silas asked. “Is she still out with Evan?” He added.

“She’s home now. Dings are fine. She was calling to check on me.” Noak said, rolling his eyes.

“Did she think I killed you?” Silas asked, completely deadpan.

Noak laughed the loudest he’d done that night. It was a contagious sound and Silas was smiling at him, laughing along.

“Your laugh is really cute.” Silas said, the admission just happened before he could stop it.

Noak flushed and smiled. “Danks.” He whispered. No, Anna does not dink you killed me.” He laughed. She wanted to make sure I was on time and dat I was kind to you.” He explained. “I told her to mind her own damn business and dat I was about to take you to dinner.” He said.

Silas smiled wider and his cheeks blushed a darker shade pink. He really liked Noak. He hadn't run away from any of his asinine comments and awkward words.

**_Like? That's an understatement. Ask him to take you home._ **

“You better call her back and tell her not to pester me about dinner. I embarrass easily.” Silas said and crammed a bunch of chips in his mouth. He was so hungry.

“Are you embarrassed by me?” Noak asked, joking to hide a real concern. He really expected the not date to end with Silas coming up with an excuse of not wanting to see him anymore. It happened a lot in his life.

“No, not at all.” Silas said with his mouth full. He shifted in his seat. “If anything, I'm embarrassed of myself.” He added.

“You don't have to be embarrassed, I enjoy your company.” Noak said.

Silas smiled and swallowed what was in his mouth.

“I am starving. What is good here?” Noak said as his stomach grumbled loud enough for them both to hear.

“Ugh. Everything.” Silas said with a laugh and rolled his eyes back. “I usually get the lamb meat pie. But I’m living dangerously and trying the pork roast.” He said.

“I could do a meat pie.” Noak said. “What is in it?” He asked. “Don't say meat, I've gadered dat information from deh name.” He smiled a bit silly at Silas.

“Beef or lamb, then peas, carrots and gravy. They use fresh local herbs too. I eat the darn things at least three nights a week.” Silas said. “It's really good. Comes with more chips. I love their chips.” He added. His stomach grumbled too. His mouth watered at the thought and he considered just forgetting the pork and getting a pie for himself.

_ Decisions. [Could be his last meal.] I hope you choke.  _ **_Choke on Noak’s co-_ ** ‘Stop.’  _ Disgusting. _

“Hey Silas.” Their waiter said with a smile as he walked up to the table.

His name was George. He was twenty-three and the grandson of the pub's owner. He knew Silas. He didn't know Noak so he turned to introduce himself. Once pleasantries were exchanged George turned to Silas and smiled again.

“Well thank you for bringing us a new customer.” George teased. He looked back at Noak. “So how did you get lucky enough to score a date?” He asked with a wink. “I've been trying for over a year.” He added lightly.

“It's not a date.” Silas muttered quietly.

Noak smiled and cleared his throat.

“Just friends.” He said.

“Can you do your job George? They're hungry.” An older woman called from the bar.

“Alright Mum.” George called over and rolled his eyes.

“Hi Maggie.” Silas said laughing and waved to the woman behind them.

“Hi sweetie.” The woman said with a wave back.

“Meat pie?” George asked as he looked at Silas. 

Silas shook his head no.

“Pork roast. Can I get chips in place of mash and coleslaw in place of the mixed veg?” He said.

George nodded and turned to Noak who ordered the beef meat pie and a pint of stout. Silas also asked for a refill on his Coke. George turned and walked away. His mother started pouring the drinks. Silas looked over at Noak and smiled. He reached for some chips.

“He was cute, no?” Noak whispered with a teasing grin. He thought it was rather obvious George was flirting with Silas.

Silas blushed. He thought about the few times he’d sucked George off in his car after the pub closed for the night. Sometimes he just had urges and needs to be fulfilled.

**_Slut. You should blow this guy too._ **

“Yeah. He's alright.” Silas said and shook his head clear of the memory. “Not my type.” He whispered.

**_He is when you're desperate._ **

“So there's this newish book,  _ 1623 _ , ever read it?” Silas said, quick to change the subject from George.

“I haven't heard of dat one.” Noak said.

“Lucky. It was so bad. It's supposed to be a sci-fi mystery but it lost the traits of any decent mystery.” Silas explained. “I suppose the real mystery is why it was ever published.” He added, laughing.

Noak laughed as well. Silas drank down the last of his first Coke. He held onto the glass and pushed the ice around with his straw.

“There were robots and AIs and it was just so badly written.” He said.

Noak laughed again. “If it was so bad why did you finish it?” He asked.

“Sense of completion? I don't know.” Silas said and put his glass down. “I spend a lot of time reading. It, um, it distracts me from my thoughts.”

_ Distracts you from us. [Silas is so rude.] You should just accept that we're your only friends Silas. [We are not his friends. Silas has no friends.] _

Silas held onto the straw and fidgeted with the plastic. He looked at the table top and not at the other man. He was terrible with conversation.

“Haven't you read books that were bad?” He asked looking up.

“I have.” Noak said. “I try not to make a habit of it. I don't have much time to spend on deh bad ones.” He added.

“I read so much.” Silas said. “Good and bad. I just read all the time.” 

George returned and set the beer in front of Noak and the soda in front of Silas. They thanked him and he headed to the only other occupied table. Noak raised his glass towards Silas.

“To terrible faux mystery science fiction.” He said with a smile.

Silas smiled and laughed. He raised his glass and tapped the side of Noak’s. 

“And to new friendships.” Silas said, feeling out of his comfort zone as the words passed his lips.

They each took a drink and set their glasses down on the table. Noak had some beer foam on his upper lip and Silas wanted to reach and wipe it away. He almost did but Noak licked it away before he had the chance.

“Random question.” Silas said and reached for the last of the chips.

“Shoot.” Noak said, happy to answer anything Silas might have to ask him.

“Is there a story behind the necklace?” Silas asked and pointed to the pendant around the taller man’s neck. “It's really pretty.” He said.

Noak reached up and brushed his fingers over the silver toned pendant as he answered.

“It’s a copy of deh same pendant my fa’der was buried in. He died when I was just seven. He had a really aggressive brain cancer. He is deh one dat got me interested in space in deh first place.” He explained. “I hardly ever take dis off.”

“Oh wow.” Silas whispered. “I guess you and your father were really close then?” He asked.

“Yeah. We were.” Noak replied.

“So you like space?” Silas asked, not sure where to take the conversation from there as family was not a topic he was ever ready for or comfortable discussing.

“Like is a loose term.” Noak said with a laugh. “Here, let me show you my tattoos.” He said and slipped out of his hoodie.

He rolled up the short sleeve of his tee and showed off an entirely space themed sleeve on his right arm. There was a rocket ship on the front, set in a sea of black ink that was littered with brightly coloured stars and planets.

“Oh wow.” Silas said. “That’s beautiful.” He whispered, reaching out to touch the work and traced down to his wrist. 

Noak smiled and rolled his sleeve back down to cover his bicep. Silas pulled his hand away but kept his eyes on the parts of the tattoos that were still visible. 

“That’s like really nice work.” Silas whispered of the ink.

“Ja, danks. I love tattoos. Do you have any?” Noak asked.

Silas smiled a little and nodded. “Two, but I can’t show you them.” He said.

“Oh really?” Noak said with a smirk. “Are you embarrassed or..?” He asked   


Silas turned pink again. “I suppose I am not exactly embarrassed by them but I would have to take my trousers off to show you and that’s not likely to happen.” Silas said.

**_It'll happen._ ** ‘Would be nice but honestly I doubt it.’

Noak smiled and chuckled quietly. “Maybe someday.” He whispered.

Silas felt his belly flutter at the words. He smiled at Noak and took a drink of his soda. He set his glass down and took a quick breath, ready to change the subject again. Noak smiled at him.

“So, um, you are so passionate about space and I am sitting here questioning why I've never given it much thought.” He rambled. “Is that weird? I like science fiction and space themed stories but haven’t given the real thing any thought?” He asked.

“No. Not weird.” Noak said, sipping his beer. “Do you want to know more about space?” He asked and set his pint back on the table.

“Yeah.” Silas said with a nod.

“I can teach you dings and have some great books I could lend you.” Noak said.

Noak was smiling and his whole face lit up as it tended to happen when he talked about his biggest passion. Silas smiled back. Seeing Noak look so excited made his stomach flutter again.

George returned with their dinners. He set them down along with a few extra napkins.

“Thanks.” Silas said, looking up at him.

Noak nodded his thanks.

Silas immediately started to eat his chips. The two ate for a while in silence.

Noak finally spoke up. “May I tell you someding?” He asked.

Silas nodded and popped a few more chips into his mouth.

“When I was in school I used to want to teach deh oder kids about space.” Noak started. “A lot of dem said dey would come but most did not show up. Dose dat did mocked me or beat me up.” He said.

Silas sipped his Coke and set it back down. “That's terrible.” He whispered.

“I am sorry in advance if I get too excited.” Noak said. “The desire to teach people about space is a passion I never really outgrew.

Silas stabbed his knife and fork into his food and looked up at Noak.

“Don't worry about it and please don't apologize for being excited. I'm excited to learn.” He said with a smile. “I promise, I won't mock you.”

Noak set his fork down and looked at Silas.

“Growing up I was teased so badly for talking like I do. I had years of speech derapy but it could only help so much. I mean, I cope. It's been dis way for over twenty years but I still feel self conscious about it.” Noak said.

“I like the sound of your voice.” Silas whispered.

Noak smiled and looked down at the table top. No one had ever said that to him.

“Den if it wasn't about my speech, deh kids called me ugly. Dey were just so mean about it, you know? I was involved in a terrible car crash when I was four. It was me and my fa'der. He just completely zoned out and veered into deh oncoming traffic. We later found out it was because of the cancer. But I broke my arm and split my skull, broke half deh bones in my face, hence dis mess.” He said, vaguely pointing to the scars over his cheek, lip and nose. “I never dought kids could be dat mean.”

“I don't think you're ugly, Noak. God, so far from it.” Silas said and looked at the other man. He didn't find him ugly, not at all. “Kids can be arseholes. I don't like them.” He added.

“I was too smart for my own good too. It all just got so bad I begged Mama to keep me home from school, after being so excited to finally get to go to school wid deh oder kids. I was homeschooled until I was eight. It was just easier while I had my surgeries to fix deh broken bones. And keeping Anna and I home, we got to spend deh time wid our fa'der.” Noak said.

Silas looked down at his plate, he'd hardly touched the food on it, only clearing half the chips. He pushed some of it around with his knife and sighed.

“I didn't get along with many kids either. I hated school.” He said.

“Did dey beat you up too?” Noak asked quietly.

Silas sighed heavily and shook his head no. 

His appetite was gone. He pushed his plate away and looked up at Noak. He mentally prepared himself for sharing something he didn't share with anyone for a very long time. The table was quiet. There was just enough background noise in the pub that it wasn't an eerie quiet. Silas looked at the salt and pepper shakers, not allowing himself to meet Noak's eyes.

“They were alright, my classmates, I suppose. I just never really knew how to make friends.” Silas started. “I grew up without friends, my parents didn't allow it. I wasn't allowed to go out or have anyone over.” He said. “I think that's where my love of reading stemmed from.” He looked up at Noak.

“I um, most days I got a pretty bad beating.” He said, just admitted the fact to Noak like it was nothing.

Noak sat and listened, much like Silas had done for him.

“Not by the kids at school. It was my family.” Silas whispered. “Um, first it was mum and dad, then my two older brothers mostly, that beat me. They were a bunch of abusive shits. All of them. There was no reason for it. They did it because they just thought they could get away with it. They hit me because I existed.” He said. He sometimes had a tendency to run his mouth and just kept talking.

“I was placed in the Langston house by the Church, I think I was maybe three months old. I um, I never knew my birth parents. Th- the Langston family made it very clear that I was a burden and deserved everything I got. Emotional, physical, verbal, it didn't matter to them as long as I suffered for it. They, um, they said I was not part of their family. That God put me with them to fix because I was the bastard son of a whore. I don’t know if there is truth in that but I know they hated me. They, as they called it, were doing God's work. They simply had to feed me and put a roof over my head until I was old enough to start at a seminary in London.” Silas said and paused for a breath.

“I made my first friend when I was thirteen. I met him through the Church. We’d talk a few times a week but he was never allowed over the house. Then one summer, when I just turned fifteen I'd gotten the worst beating of my life. I was confined to a hospital bed because my oldest brother shattered both my legs from just above the knee down. My two brothers, um, they caught me having a wank, um, found out I was gay and just whipped my arse. I thought I was going to die that night.” Silas paused, feeling a tightness in his chest at the memory. “They beat the Devil out of me, so Mum and Dad didn't punish them for it. In fact, they were pretty pleased they didn't have to waste the energy beating me themselves.” He sighed. “I've got two metal knee caps and a few screws in my left shin as a result. My friend, um, Tim was the only one to visit me that summer. My shit for family didn't bother. I mean, growing up like that is fucked up.” He said and finally looked up at Noak.

Noak looked at Silas. Shock and disgust filled his features. His heart felt like it broke and he was overwhelmed with a feeling of deep sadness. Silas looked away before meeting his eyes. He held onto his gaze, something Silas just didn't do normally. Noak opened his mouth to say something but Silas cut him off.

“Don’t you dare say sorry.” He said firmly. “I am past it now. I have made my peace with it and I have accepted it happened. I have moved on from it.” He continued. “And honestly, I don't talk about it anymore so I don't have the slightest idea why I just told you. I guess I'm just trying to make a point that seemed relevant somehow. Trust is a messed up sort of thing, Noak. If you're just a kid and can't trust the people who are tasked with caring and providing for you, well then, who can you trust?” He said in a huff; the question was rhetorical. “I trusted God for a while but then, even He fucked me over. With a life like mine, you learn early on that the answer of who you can trust is no one.” He sighed. He reached for his soda and drank down half of what was left, popping an ice cube into his mouth.

Noak sat quietly for a moment. “I am going to disagree wid you on dat Silas.” He said.

He broke their eye contact and looked to reinstate it before he continued. Silas let him meet his eyes again.

“I cannot believe dat answer can be no one.” Noak said.

Silas thought the words over and set his glass back down. “That's great that you can see things that way, that you had the luxury of a trustworthy family.” He said, looking away and had no sarcasm in his tone.

“You can trust me, Silas.” Noak said and thought he sounded too much like he pitied Silas; he didn't.

“Can I?” Silas asked and looked across at Noak with no expression on his face. He really wanted the answer to be yes, the actual answer and not just Noak’s response.

“If you wanted to.” Noak replied.

Silas looked at him and his face softened. He liked that answer as it made him feel like Noak wasn't forcing him to feel a particular way. Silas liked that about Noak in general. Silas felt at ease around the taller man. He didn't know why, but he felt the ease the moment they sat down together in the coffee shop.

“Shit. I didn't mean for this conversation to take a turn this steep.” Silas said as he ate another chip. “I'm terrible at parties.” He joked.

Noak nodded his head in understanding. He smiled at the joke.

“I don't mind dat it did.” Noak said. “Dank you for sharing dat. I know it must have been difficult.”

“I said, I've moved passed it.” Silas said a little stiffly.

Noak nodded and Silas smiled softly.

“I think I do, trust you that is.” He whispered. “I want to trust you.” He added.

“And I you.” Noak said quietly.

Silas smiled again. “So to get somewhat back on topic, I'm really interested in anything you can teach me about space.” Silas said. “Really interested in learning. I won't disappoint you by not caring.”

Noak laughed. The two really had gone way off topic.

“Sure. Anyding you want to know, if I can be of assistance I will happily share my knowledge.” He said.

Silas sat up, his posture improving with his state of mind. “Is space real?” He asked, eyes wide open and elbows planted firmly on the table top.

Noak opened his mouth, not sure how to answer that question. Silas started to laugh.

“You don't think I seriously meant that?” He said quite loudly. “I'm only fucking with you.” He laughed.

Noak laughed too, having assumed that Silas had been kidding but didn't know for sure. He wasn't about to be judgemental if he hadn’t been. He thought the man sitting across from him was enjoyably odd.

“I know it's up there.” Silas said with a big grin. “Couldn't tell you how it all works.” He added.

“It sounds a lot like my head most days.” Noak said with a chuckle.

Silas’s smile faded. He tried his best to not react to a comment like that. On some level, he knew Noak meant no harm with his words.

“I want you to give me a space lesson when you drive me home tonight.” Silas said.

He picked up his fork and stabbed a few more times at the sliced pork on his plate. He didn't bother to eat anymore.

“A space lesson on a two minute drive?” Noak asked lightly.

“Yeah.” Silas said with a laugh. “Maybe you can stay longer than two minutes?” He suggested, hopeful.

**_You want him to stay all night._ ** _ [Sinner.] _

Noak took a few more bites of his food and looked up at Silas.

“Maybe.” Noak said, already knowing he'd stay longer. “A lesson on what?” He asked, smiling.

“Tell me about a planet.” Silas said. “I know there are nine. I don't quite recall all the names but tell me about any one. Your choice.” He continued.

“D’ere are actually eight.” Noak said.

“What? Now you're fucking with me!” Silas said.

Noak shook his head no.

“I am being honest and trudful, Silas. D’ere are just eight. Pluto is not a recognized planet anymore.” He said.

Silas gasped. “Did it blow up? Float away? What happened?” He asked and was being dramatic about it but seriously wanted an answer.

Noak chuckled lightly. “None of d’ose dings but quite creative asking if it blew up.” Noak said, grinning at Silas.

“I kinda liked the idea of it floating away.” Silas said with a giggle and imagined the tiny planet drifting away through space as if out to sea.

“So tell me why!” Silas said excitedly. “And this isn't counting towards my lesson. This is just filling me in on something I didn't know I needed to know.” Silas said.

“Science happened.” Noak said simply and finished his beer. “A whole group of scientific people decided to change what it meant for a celestial body to qualify as a planet, and as Pluto no longer fit deh qualifications, it was named a dwarf planet.” He said.

Silas nodded.

“I see.” He said. “So no explosion?” He teased.

Noak smiled.

“No. No explosion.” He said with a laugh.

“Damn.” Silas whispered.

George came by to check on them and ask if they needed another refill on drinks. They both declined and took their uneaten portions in to-go boxes. Noak kindly paid the bill for both him and Silas. The two left together and made their way to Noak’s car.

“Saturn.” Noak said suddenly.

“Eh?” Silas said as he plunked into the passenger seat.

“I will teach you about Saturn.” Noak said.

He got into his own seat and buckled up. He waited as Silas did the same. He watched as Silas moved their bag of leftovers to the back seat. Noak started the car and his stereo system blared out loud metal music. He reached to turn it off.

“Sorry.” He said.

Silas held his ears. “What was that?” He asked, laughing.

“My get pumped music.” Noak said with a smile.

Silas smiled back. He settled into his seat and looked at Noak.

‘Why was he listening to get pumped music? No way he is pumped to see me. Who would be? The music was much softer when I left the car earlier.’

Silas looked at Noak as he started to drive away. He felt the fluttery feeling in his belly again. Noak turned and caught Silas staring. He didn't feel uncomfortable and he smiled at him.

“Okay. So Saturn is my favourite planet. It's much much bigger dan deh Ear’d. It’s deh six’d planet from deh Sun. It is most known for having rings but it's not deh only planet to have dem. Its rings are just deh biggest and most pretty.” Noak said.

Silas listened contently. The motion of the car and the sound of Noak’s voice had him in a sort of trance. He felt comfortable and any sense of awkwardness left him.

“It is visible in our sky now, so I will show you when we get to your place.” Noak said. “Super easy to spot too.” He added.

Silas smiled at him. 

“Can't wait.” Silas said.

“Okay, it's deh house up d’ere?” Noak said, pointing towards the small farmhouse set back from the little town; the one Silas had pointed out before dinner.

“Yes.” Silas said. “That’s the one.” He added with another smile. 

Noak continued to talk while he drove.

“So when I point Saturn out to you, you may mistake it for a star, a lot of people do. Deh major difference is stars seem to twinkle and planets are just still light. Dey do shimmer, as a response to deh Eard’s atmosphere but dey are definitely less twinkly dan stars appear.” He said.

“Is twinkly a scientific term?” Silas asked with a little laugh.

“Ja.” Noak answered with a big smile. “Stars are twinkly because dey produce dere own light. Deh planets are just reflecting deh light of our Sun, like deh moon does, only much furder away.” He said.

“That makes a lot of sense.” Silas whispered in awe.

Noak turned the car into Silas’s dirt driveway. As they drove up the winding incline, he couldn't help but laugh quietly to himself.

“What?” Silas asked.

“Dis is straight up out of a horror movie.” Noak said with a grin. “Dirt road, no lights and set away from any civilization.” He continued with amusement in his tone.

Silas rolled his eyes and laughed darkly.

“Well isn't it obvious I'm just going to chop you up and eat you when we get there.” Silas said.

“Cannibalism. Nice.” Noak said with a laugh.

Silas laughed again.

“No murder tonight. Just space.” Silas said. “I promise.” He said.

“You are no fun.” Noak teased. “Maybe a little murder?” He offered quietly.

“I’d consider cannibalism. I could cut off parts and not kill you, you know.” Silas said.

Noak looked at him with a ‘really?’ expression. He slowed down and stopped the car on the little part of the driveway at the top of the hill that was paved. He killed the engine and pulled the keys from the ignition. He got out of the car and waited for Silas to do the same. Once the shorter man was at his side he closed the door.

“Okay, look up dat way.” Noak said and pointed north east.

Silas followed his direction and scanned the dark, star filled sky.

“Where?” He asked. “All I see are stars.”

“Give me your hand.” Noak said quietly.

Silas did. His hand felt lost in Noak’s larger one. Noak stood behind Silas and he raised their arms, pointing to a bright light in the sky.

“Right d’ere, just over deh tree line.” He said and kept their hands steadily pointing at the planet.

Silas opened his mouth and oohed.

“Okay, wow. I see it now.” He said. “It's so much brighter than the rest of the stars.” He sighed.

Noak sidestepped and let go of Silas’s arm.

“Well, dat’s because it is not a star.” Noak said smiling in the darkness. “It’s deh fid most bright celestial object in our sky.” He explained.

“Fifth? Looks like the brightest to me and I know it’s a planet but it looks like a star. I don’t see the not-twinkle thing.” Silas said.

He turned away from the sky and looked up to Noak, confusion lined his features. Noak grinned.

“Deh Sun and deh Moon are one and two. Venus and Jupiter are dree and four. So Saturn is number five.” Noak explained.

“Right. The sun and the moon count.” Silas said with a laugh. “I feel stupid.” He said.

“You are not stupid.” Noak said.

Silas breathed a little huff of air. His gaze returned to the sky.

“And I assure you, dat is a planet and not a star. It takes a trained eye to see deh difference and you’re just not dere yet. You'll get dere.” Noak whispered, standing close behind Silas. He was a bit taken by surprise when Silas took his hand again.

“Can you point it out one more time?” Silas asked.

“Sure.” Noak whispered and guided Silas’s pointed finger towards the bright planet.

“It’s so pretty.” Silas commented, eyes drifting from the sky to Noak’s face. “The sky, I mean.” He added when he saw Noak looking at him. He blushed, thankful it was dark.

Noak watched Silas instead of the sky. They stopped holding hands and were quiet for a moment. Then Noak bit his bottom lip and touched Silas on the elbow. The tap caused the other man to turn and look to him. Silas said nothing, it left the opportunity for Noak to speak up.

“Hey.” Noak whispered, licking at his lips.

“Hey.” Silas whispered back.

They looked at one another and both were smiling a little shyly.

“Can I kiss you?” Noak asked, big blue eyes wide and hopeful.

_ Don't you dare.  _ **_Do it._ **

Silas nodded his head as his belly did flips. “Please.” He whispered and turned to face Noak.

_ [Disgusting. Sinful behavior.] _

The tone in which Noak had asked left more butterflies in Silas’s stomach. He closed his eyes as the taller man leaned into him. Their lips met, brushing gently. Noak’s kiss was soft and Silas did his best to match the style. Noak tasted of underlying sweet mint and the spices from dinner. Silas liked it. He didn't quite know what to do with his hands but Noak was already pulling away. Silas decided that he wanted more and wrapped his fingers around Noak’s biceps and held on. Suddenly Noak leaned back towards him to press his lips to Silas’s again.

Silas breathed in through his nose, pressing his lips back against Noak’s. Their lips moved slowly over each others. Noak’s hands moved to cup Silas’s face as his tongue coaxed the other man's mouth open. Silas let his lips part, let Noak’s tongue slip in and Silas moaned softly. He enjoyed it immensely. After a minute, Noak pulled away, fingers lingering against Silas’s face a second longer. Silas was smiling and eventually dropped his hands from the other man's arms. Noak reached to brush Silas’s hair out of his eyes.

**_Bring him inside._ ** ‘I can't.’  _ You won't.  _ **_You want to._ **

“Was good?” Noak asked quietly.

“Was good.” Silas confirmed, positively beaming. He'd ignored the voices. “Not bad for a second kiss, eh?”  He said jokingly.

Noak smiled at him. Silas sighed as his stomach fluttered. He looked around at all the stars around them. He hadn’t felt this happy in a long time. Beneath the happy he felt a twinge of dread but buried the feeling deeper.

“I should get going.” Noak said and sounded like he absolutely did not want to go. “I’ve got to be at work at eight tomorrow.” He explained.

“Hmm.” Silas hummed, sadly. “I want to thank you for driving me home.” He added.

“It was no problem.” The taller man said.

“I had a really great time tonight.” Silas said and reached to loosely hold onto Noak’s hand.

“So did I.” Noak said, feeling little tingles when their fingers touched. 

“Come here.” Silas whispered and pulled Noak in for another few kisses. “Please, don't go just yet.” He whispered against his lips; Silas was hooked. 

The two kissed some more. Noak cupped Silas’s cheeks and Silas licked over the inside of the scar on his lip. Noak made a quiet sound. He put his arms around the smaller man’s waist, lifted Silas up, then pressed him gently against the boot of his car. Noak leaned himself against the smaller man. They kissed for another couple of minutes. Silas rested his hands low on Noak’s sides. Noak gripped Silas’s thighs and kissed Silas on the cheek and again on his nose.

“So is this still not a date?” Silas asked, laughing quietly. He was looking into Noak’s eyes and could feel his heart racing inside his chest.

“It could be one.” Noak whispered, his own heart beating just as fast. “Will it get weird if I tell you how beautiful you are?” Noak whispered as he stroked his fingers along Silas’s cheeks.

Silas shook his head no and pulled Noak back into a kiss. It was short.

“Not a date.” Silas said lightly and kissed Noak. “And no, you won’t make it weird.” He added with a smile.

“I dink you're an exceptionally beautiful man, Silas, and I really enjoy kissing you.” Noak whispered, smiling back.

Silas pulled the other’s lips to his own just one more time and kissed him deeply. He stretched and put his feet back on the ground, sliding against the car while he did so. Noak leaned away but it was reluctantly. He held onto the other’s hand still. Silas gave his hand a squeeze.

“You finish dat book.” Noak said with a lopsided smile and laughed quietly.

“Alright. I will.” Silas whispered.

“And you better like it.” Noak teased.

“I'll try.” Silas whispered.

Eventually Noak pulled his hand away from Silas’s. He took a step away and moved to the driver's side door. Silas followed and pulled the door open for him.

“I will text you.” Noak said as he looked at the other man in the dark.

He leaned into the smaller man. Silas pushed up to brush his lips over his again.

“I'll reply.” Silas whispered, leaning in for another kiss to the taller man’s cheek. “Can I see you again soon?” Silas asked, his words hot against Noak’s neck before he pressed a kiss to his jaw.

Noak nodded his head. He moved to get into the car. Silas smiled at him. Noak reached to grab Silas’s food, his copy of  _ The Martian  _ and his earbuds. He handed him the container with the other items piled on top.

“Thanks.” Silas said. “One more kiss?” He asked.

Noak leaned in. It was quick, a very brief peck on the lips. Then another and another. Finally one more that lingered.

“You're addictive.” Silas whispered. He took a step back. He watched as Noak climbed into his seat and started up the engine.

“Sleep well.” Noak said.

“You too.” Silas said. “Drive safely.” He added.

Silas stepped further away to give Noak room to close his door. He watched the other man click his seatbelt into place before moving towards the house. He stood outside the door, waiting until Noak drove off. Once the rear lights faded from view, Silas let himself inside and headed straight for the shower.


	5. Chapter 5

Silas was picking mindlessly at the shredding threads on the arm of the chair. He was waiting for his appointment to start. He’d gotten there early and was moved into Andrea’s office with ten minutes to spare. The people at the front desk knew the waiting room made him uncomfortable when it was too crowded. He was also flicking through the pages of his copy of  _ The Martian _ , so close to the end. He was so engrossed in the words, he barely registered when the office door opened and Andrea walked in. She too, was early.

“If you keep picking at that I’m going to need a new chair soon.” Andrea said lightly and took a seat in the matching chair situated next to her desk.

Her words startled Silas but he was quick to calm. He smiled at her and sat up a little straighter. He pushed his hair back and out of his face. He looked at Andrea and she noticed that he looked a little bit different. She shifted her chair a little closer to the one Silas was occupying and crossed her legs. She moved her notepad to the edge of her desk and picked up her pen. She jotted Silas’s name at the top of an empty page.

“Sorry.” The lanky man said about the chair but wasn't actually sorry. “Maybe you should buy some new chairs. These have been here for years.” He added with a smile.

He stopped picking and closed his book. He leaned forward to drop the book under his seat. He sat up straight again and looked across at Andrea. He looked up at the clock on the wall and saw it was six minutes to the hour. 

“We starting early?” He asked.

“Yes, if you don’t mind. We can wait the extra six minutes if that will make you feel better.” She said to him and smiled kindly.

“Early is fine.” Silas answered. “I um, I have good news.” He said.

“I guessed that just looking at you.” She said, smiling.

“How?” Silas asked her, tilting his head.

“For one, you’re smiling,” she said “and two, you look like you’ve been sleeping well. Both are signs that something good must be going on in your life Silas.” She said. “And I am quite excited to hear all about it, but I'd like to cover a few bases first.” She was quick to add.

Andrea had been working closely with Silas for over five years. She knew how to read him. She was proud of his progress. He'd been a mess when he started treatment.

“I have been sort of sleeping. It's still short hours but they are more restful hours than they have been in the past.” Silas explained.

“That’s good, is it not? Better sleep is not worse sleep.” She said to him.

“Yeah, I guess.” Silas whispered, starting to pick at the frayed ends of the chair arm again.

“I have questions for you.” Andrea said.

“And I might have answers.” Silas said flatly.

“How have your tremors been?” She asked him, looking at his slightly shaking hands.

The tremors were a side effect of the long time use of his medication. Andrea liked to ask because she knew they bothered him and had concerns that Silas would stop his doses if they got too hard to deal with. He'd done it before.

“Not terrible.” He answered. “They were really bad for a few days but I know why. I drank a lot of coffee and before you ask me, it’s because I wasn’t thinking. You know that I try my best to avoid large doses of caffeine.” He said.

“They're not still disruptive at work?” Andrea inquired.

“No.” Silas answered and he looked towards the window. “And now that it’s been getting colder I think I can hide them better, brush it off as chills so I don’t feel so embarrassed.” He added.

He watched her scribble something onto her pad from the corner of his eye. His attention was on her shelf and he was reading the spines of her rather large book collection, wondering if there were any titles he could borrow from her that he hadn’t the chance to read yet.

“And how is work going?” Andrea asked. “Are you keeping up?” She added.

“I'm still behind but Anna has been helping me, helping me a lot, actually.” Silas replied, looking back at Andrea. “It's not the work, really. I'm just not sleeping right. I keep losing focus.” He said.

“But you say you're sleeping well now? Better I should say, not well.” Andrea said.

“Right.” Silas whispered, a little confused. “Can I tell you my news?” He asked, practically bouncing in his seat.

“Yes, if you're that excited about it.” Andrea said with a laugh.

“I've met someone.” Silas said. “And he's amazing.”

Andrea smiled. She wrote something more onto the sheet of paper. As excited as she was for her patient, she kept a more serious possibility at the back of her mind.

“Okay. Tell me about all him.” She said happily. “Where did you meet?” She asked.

“His name is Noak, Noak Martensson. He's Anna's older brother. I um, I met him at the Halloween party but then Anna set us up for coffee on Thursday.” Silas said. “We had coffee then he took me to dinner.” He continued.

Andrea scribbled some more onto the page and looked at Silas, happy for him.

“Just friends?” She asked, knowing that Silas tended to move things quickly with his relationships, often causing trouble down the line.

“For now.” Silas replied and went back to picking at the threads.

“Silas.” Andrea said firmly. “Look at me a minute.” She requested.

Silas shook his head no. He continued to pull on the longer threads.

“Did you sleep with him?” She asked.

“No. I did not sleep with him.” Silas replied, still not looking at her.

“Are you lying to me?” She asked.

“No. I'm not.” Silas responded and looked up to meet her eyes briefly. “I did want to though.” He added. “Sleep with him, not lie to you.” He explained.

“Wanting to and actually doing it are very different things Silas. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life but I'm proud of you for showing some restraint. It shows that you’re coping well with the past addiction.” She said.

“I let him kiss me.” Silas said. “I wanted him to.” He added.

“Like I said, I'm not here to tell you how to live your life.” She said. “Are you two going to see one another soon?” She asked.

“I invited him for tea tonight.” Silas answered. “He's coming to my place at seven.”

“That's very nice to hear.” She said and jotted more words onto her page.

“Yeah.” Silas whispered.

Andrea looked at him, waiting to see if he had more to say. When he didn't she took her turn.

“Is there anything else you'd like to talk about? We have thirty five minutes left.” She said.

“Not really.” He answered and was looking at the floor.

“Okay. I think not really means you might have something to say.” She said.

“Well, I don't.” Silas said, looking up. “I think I'm done for today.” He added.

“We still have time so I'm going to ask you a few more things. Is that a problem?” She asked.

Silas shook his head. He looked at Andrea and started to chew on his bottom lip.

“What are you going to ask me?” Silas asked.

“How is Mrs. Baker doing? Still coming ‘round on Sundays?” She said.

“Yes. She's good. She missed this Sunday but I saw her the last. We, um, we made hats for her granddaughters.” He said. “I really think I'm getting better at crocheting. I'm a lost cause when it comes to knitting.”

“That's very sweet.” Andrea said. “And how are the Dukes? Seen them recently?” She asked.

“I saw them Thursday, when Noak and I had dinner.” Silas replied.

“And your meds, still taking them as prescribed?” She said.

“Yes. I'm very good about that, as always Andrea. I've been telling you for over two years, I won't slip up again.” Silas said and paused a good minute. “God, I hate that you always slip that fucking question in there. I am good for it, really. I won’t let myself slip up again.” He said, frustrated.

“I know you have been good. I just worry about you. I know you don't plan to slip up but it can happen. I'm just here to make sure it doesn't.” She said.

“It won't. I'm good. I take them, on time, four times a day. Two at night.” Silas said with an exasperated sigh.

“Good. I'm proud of you for that Silas, I really am.” Andrea said with a smile. “What about your tranquilizers? Have you needed any of them lately?” She asked.

“No.” He answered quickly.

“In how long?” She asked.

Silas sat a moment, counting back the days in his head.

“At least three months.” He answered.

“Very good.” Andrea said. “Next week I'll give you a new script for the dailies. I won't prescribe the tranquilizer until you feel you need them, okay?” She said, writing on the page.

“Yeah. Sounds good.” Silas whispered.

“How has your head been?” Andrea asked.

“Noisy.” Silas answered. “A few tension headaches but it's been two weeks without a migraine.” He added.

“How noisy?” She asked.

“Typical. Worse, without my distractions. Zacharias has been quiet but Jezebel is back.” He said.

“When is it bad? At work or home? Both?” She asked.

“At work.” He said shortly and looked back at the floor. “They are really bad at work and on the train.” He whispered.

“Is the workload too much for you?” She asked.

“I don't know.” Silas whispered.

“You mentioned that you're behind. Do you think that maybe it is too much? It's okay if it is.” Andrea said.

Silas started crying. It was only tears. He wouldn't look up at Andrea. His hands fisted and he dug his nails into his palm.

“Silas.” Andrea whispered.

“I'm fine.” He said quietly.

“Silas, tell me if you're not. That's why I'm here.” She said, speaking softly.

“Yes. Fine. Work is too much. Okay?” He said and looked up. “I can’t go to work like a fucking normal person.” He said.

He wiped at his eyes and sniffled. He sighed and put his head in his hands. He didn't say anything for several minutes. He could hear the scratch of pen on paper. When he looked up, Andrea was holding a note up to him.

“Take the rest of the week off. Try and get some sleep. Don't think about the newspaper and just keep yourself busy with other things.” She said to him.

Silas took the paper from her and folded it up. He bent to stick it between the pages of his book.

“I can't keep missing work Andrea.” Silas said, despite taking the note. “I'll never meet the rent.”

“Silas, I am very sure Mrs. Baker will be lenient with you. Tell her I asked you to take the week off.” Andrea explained.

“Fine.” Silas huffed. “Should I cancel my plans with Noak?” He asked.

“Do you feel you should?” Andrea asked.

“No.” Silas whispered.

“Then keep them.” She said. “If you believe it's time well spent I think you should keep seeing him.” She went on.

“I do think that. I re- I really like being with him.” Silas said, smiling through his tears. “My head is quiet and I feel happy.” He said.

“Then why ask me if you should cancel?” Andrea asked. “Don't you think that's a silly question?” She added.

Silas smiled. “Yeah, I guess it is.” He said. “Can I tell you something?” He asked.

Andrea smiled at Silas and nodded her head. “Another reason I'm here.” She said.

“I told him about the Langstons and… and what they did to me. I don't know why I told him but I did and I don't feel bad about it.” Silas said.

Andrea wrote something more onto her page and set the pen down.

“That's okay Silas. It's a sad story to tell, but it's yours. You tell who you want to tell.” Andrea said.

“Yeah.” He sighed.

“While on this topic of what's yours to tell, are you going to tell Noak about your diagnosed schizophrenia?” She asked.

Silas paled and shook his head no.

“Ever?” She asked.

“I don't know. What if-” Silas started.

“No what ifs. I think that if you want to pursue this relationship you need to tell him early on.” Andrea said. “Trust me. You're not a bad man Silas but lying in any relationship, and yes omitting information is lying, will not make you a good man.” She said.

“I know that.” Silas said.

“I know you do.” Andrea said. “And please, don’t stop taking your meds, even if you feel like being around Noak makes you happy. The pills help you function Silas, and I would hate to see you relapse.” She added.   
  
“I told you. I won’t stop.” Silas said, a little cooly.   
  
“I know. I believe you.” Andrea said.

Silas said nothing and just stared across at his therapist. They sat a few more minutes in silence before Andrea pushed away her notepad and stood up from her chair.

“Now go. I'm sending you off early to prepare for tea. Take care of yourself and I will see you next week. Enjoy your time with Noak.” Andrea said.

“Yes. Thank you. I will.” Silas said and picked up his book.

He got up from his chair and walked around the desk. He gave his therapist a hug and kissed her on the cheek. She gave him a squeezy hug back and took a step back.

“See you next week.” He said quietly.

“Good night Silas. Be good to yourself.” She said and watched him walk out of the office.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

It was dark when Silas returned to his house. He paid the taxi driver the fee and made his way towards the front door. The taxi was gone and he was alone on the property. Movement along the side of his garage drew his attention and he stared over, trying to see what it was. He didn’t get a good look but it was too large to be an animal, at least one that was common to the area.   
  
**Crazy.** _ It’s nothing you worthless shit.  _ **Crazy.** ‘Stop it. I’m not crazy. I know I saw something.’  _ [Silas has fucking lost it guys.] You’re losing it. _   
  
“Hello?” Silas called out but heard no reply.

He stepped away from the front door and moved into his driveway, walking cautiously towards the garage and side of the house. He didn’t see anything and shook his head. He frowned.

‘Maybe I am losing it.’   
  
The thought was quickly ignored as he saw a shadow move from the garden wall towards the woods behind the house.   
  
“Hey!” Silas called out but again there was no reply.   
  
**Crazy.** _ [No good Silas.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You’re crazy.  _ ‘I am not crazy!’

Silas took off running along the wall, positive there was something back there.

“I can see you!” He shouted into the woods. “I don’t care that you’re on the property, just tell me who you are.” He said loudly but no longer shouting.   
  
No reply came and his eyes lost the figure in the darkness around him. His shuddered, a chill running right down his spine.

‘No. It can’t be.’  _ What?  _ ‘Nothing. Never mind.’


	6. Chapter 6

It was around six thirty in the evening when Noak texted Silas. He was tied up at work and thought he’d text to let him know he was going to be late getting to his house. It had been five days since their not-date and Noak was excited to get to see the man again. He’d be lying to himself if he said he hadn’t been thinking a lot about him.

: I am going to be a bit later than we planned. Is 745 okay? I'm still at work.:

Noak sent the text and waited. There were several minutes between his text and the reply.

: Hello sorry I was in the shower :

Silas typed back and hit send. He stood in his bedroom, wrapped up in two towels. He was freezing. Noak’s response was quick.

: Just out of the shower, eh? So you can see your tattoos? :

Silas read the text.

**_Oh I like him. You should put his cock in your mouth._ **

“Stop it. It’s not like that!” Silas said aloud.

**_Sure it's not. You know you want to._ **

“Stop. I think I actually like him.” Silas muttered. “I'm not doing it.” 

**_Yeah, okay._ ** _ You're such a loser. [Silas should stay alone. Be alone.] He doesn't like you. No one likes you.  _ **_Just do it Silas. You need it. You want it._ ** _ [Filthy sinner. Silas knows he shouldn't do it.]  _ **_You want to._ **

Silas turned to dig through his small pile of clean laundry for something to wear. His phone dinged from its place at the foot of his bed. He threw on a t-shirt and his pants before checking what Noak had said.

: sorry :

He read the following text and typed out his reply.

: Oh my God! And no 745 is fine :

There wasn't an immediate response from Noak this time. Silas took the opportunity to slip into some thrice worn jeans and a pair of wool blend socks. He rubbed one of the towels over his head to dry his hair. It was getting fairly long and the idea of cutting it off flashed in his mind but was gone as soon as it came. As he went to find his boots and a bulky jumper his text notification sounded.

: Sorry if that was offensive. I was only kidding. I will see you tonight. :

Silas sat down on the bottom of his bed. He read the message from Noak and set the mobile down on the mattress so he could put on his boots. He picked it back up and wrote a small paragraph, before tying said boots. He didn’t send the text. The phone sat there and Silas looked at the words he’d typed.

_ [It’s too much.]  _ ‘Rambling via text.’  **Worthless.** _ [No one cares.] Bet he hates you. _

Silas picked up the phone once more and deleted everything he’d typed and sent a short text in reply. He dropped the phone yet again and sighed.

: see you then :

Silas stood up and went to find a warm hat; he was still feeling so cold. He found a knit beanie laying around and pulled it over his damp hair. He was sure that it wouldn’t offer much help but he knew it couldn’t hurt so he left it on. He stood at his mirror and sighed heavily. He was layered up in gear fit for snowy December but it was only early November and he was indoors. He shivered.

_ [Look at how stupid this guy looks. Silas is so fucking stupid.]  _ **Worthless.** _ It's not that cold out.  _ **_Cheeky, more layers for that beast to peel off. Me likey._ ** _ [I can’t believe this guy.] Why are you so broken? [Stupid!]  _ **Worthless.** _ It’s not cold, dumbass. _

He took his mobile from the bed and headed down the hall to his kitchen. He stood at the counter and set to make a pot of coffee, unsure if Noak drank tea or not. 

_ [Much too early for coffee.] It’ll go cold before he gets here. [God, he’s stupid.] Silas you are so stupid. Just tell him not to come. [He hates Silas.] _

Silas sighed and walked out of his kitchen. He stood in the hallway and closed his eyes.

“Please stop. I’m not stupid.” He said and walked towards the toilet.

He went into his vanity cabinet and pulled out his medication. It was a bit early to take his last daily dose but he decided to take two pills anyway. He wished the voices would leave him alone. He just wanted a nice and quiet night with a man he found himself deeply attracted to. He prayed that it could happen.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

It was ten to eight when Noak finally arrived at Silas’s place. He knocked on the door and waited for Silas to answer. He was standing there awhile before he knocked again.

Silas had fallen asleep on the sofa while waiting for Noak to show up. He wasn't in a deep sleep but the first knock had gone unnoticed. He was up on his feet, quite drowsy though, at the second knock. He made his way to the door and started to unlock the three deadbolts he kept. He turned the last of the locks and pulled the door open.

“Hi.” Silas whispered, sleepily. “Sorry, I um, I just woke up.” He said. “Sort of had a little impromptu nap on the sofa.” He added with a yawn.

Noak smiled at him and noted how he'd been so warmly dressed. He wondered if Silas had plans to go out. He could have easily misunderstood the plans.

“Sorry I'm so late. I got stuck at deh office.” Noak said and stepped into the doorway.

He looked around him. It was cozy and warm but very dark. There were a lot of closed doors and the walls were lined with very dated wallpaper. The floor was wood, old and creaky but well maintained.

“I know you invited me for tea but I brought beer if you'd like some of dat instead.” Noak said. “Not even sure if you drink beer or even like dis kind. I like dis kind.” He added.

“Thanks.” Silas whispered. “I don't drink but please feel free if you'd like to, I don't mind. I'm sober actually, almost six years now.” He said.

“Oh, shit. Sorry, I didn't know.” Noak said.

“No worries Noak. You wouldn’t have known since I didn’t tell you.” Silas said, a lot more awake than he'd been.

“So did you want to go out for tea?” Noak asked.

Silas looked at him a bit confused. He was sure the invite was for tea at his place.

‘Did I ask him to go out?’

“You're dressed in layers so.” Noak said.

_ [Told him. Stupid.] You’re pathetic. [Stupid Silas.] _

“Oh no. I um, God I must look stupid dressed like this. I'm just really cold right now.” Silas said. “Um, mind stepping in more so I can close the door?” He asked, laughing nervously.

“Ja. Ja, I will move. I don’t dink you look stupid. I dink you look cute.” Noak said and blushed. “Um, let me put dis back in deh car.” He said holding up the case of beer. “I'll let myself back in.” He added.

“Alright. Can I make you a cup of coffee?” Silas said. “The kitchen is here.” He said and pointed to the door right across from the front door.

“Coffee would be great, dank you. I will be right back.” Noak said with a smile and went out the door to go back to his car.

Silas smiled at him then went into his kitchen. He left the kitchen door propped open to make it easy for Noak to find him. He set to make a pot of coffee for his friend. Noak wasn't long and met the smaller man in there. He took off his coat and hung it over the back of a chair.

“Is it okay to put dis here?” Noak asked.

Silas turned to him and leaned his back against the counter. He nodded his head.

“Yeah, it's fine. There's a hook inside the front door for next time, just so you know.” He said, smiling. “Coffee will be a few minutes. Did you eat? I didn't but I'm not really hungry.” He said.

Noak smiled, happy that Silas implied he wanted him to come back again.

“Ja, I ate.” Noak said. “And no rush for deh coffee. I am just glad to be here. I locked deh door for you.” He said.

Silas smiled brightly. 

“Thank you. I um, I am glad you're here too. I quite enjoyed our not date the other night.” He said and walked closer to Noak.

Silas looked up at the taller man and thought about asking him if it would be okay to kiss him again.

“Ja, I’ve been dinking a lot about dat not date.” Noak said softly, looking down into Silas’s eyes.

_ [Thinking how much he hated it.]  _ **Worthless.** _ He hates you. [No good to anyone.] _

“Have you?” Silas whispered, stepping closer to the other man.

“Ja. I have.” Noak said, licking his bottom lip.

**_Kiss him you horny bastard._ ** _ Disgusting. You don't need friends, ask him to leave. _

“Me too.” Silas whispered and pushed up onto his tiptoes.

He pulled Noak down and kissed him. He turned his head to deepen it the moment Noak started to kiss back. Noak put his arms around the smaller man and held him close. They pulled apart and just looked at one another, both a little breathless.

“Been wanting to do that.” Silas whispered and closed his eyes a moment.

“Me too.” Noak whispered.

Silas opened his eyes and smiled at him. He started to laugh quietly. When Noak asked him why he was laughing he just shook his head.

“I don’t know.” Silas said and leaned himself back against the kitchen table.

He continued to look up at the taller man and the two of them stood there quietly. It was Noak who eventually spoke up.

“So, um, does dis count as anoder not date?” He asked.

Silas leaned back and smiled softly. He blinked heavily and looked to meet the other’s eyes.

“Should it?” Silas asked, licking over his lips.

“It can.” Noak whispered with a little smile and found himself leaning closer.

“Good.” Silas said. “Now please, can you kiss me again?” He asked.

Noak leaned down and pressed his lips to Silas’s in way of answering. He set one of his hands just over Silas’s waist and with the other he cupped his cheek. Silas reached out and clung to Noak as if he was going to fall if he didn’t. He kissed the taller man until he felt a pull in his lungs. He leaned away and sighed.

“Noak, I have to tell you something.” Silas said, looking past the taller man and at the door to his refrigerator. “I…” He stopped.

_ [Silas, fucking stupid shit better not.] Don't you dare.  _ **Worthless.** _ He’s going to turn and walk out that door. [Stupid stupid Silas.]  _

Noak said nothing and just looked at Silas. His expression was blank, unsure what the smaller man had to say. Silas looked up at Noak and back away again. He started to chew on his bottom lip.

_ Don't do anything stupid. [He will.] Oh right, you can’t not. [Stupid boy.] _   
  
“You’re coffee is done!” Silas said, which was not anything close to what he really wanted to say.

Silas mentally kicked himself for not saying what he needed to say; he wanted to tell Noak about his schizophrenia but froze. He was angry about it but didn’t let that show on his face. He smiled cheekily at Noak and leaned away to scoot passed the taller man. He walked over to the counter and pulled the carafe from the machine and pulled down a mug with his other hand. He poured from one into the other.

Noak was left there standing with confusion in his eyes. He could feel his heart thumping away. He thought Silas was going to ask him to leave or tell him that he didn’t want to keep seeing him anymore. It had happened too often in Noak’s life, he was scared it had almost happened again.

“You know, you’re weird.” Noak said as he turned to face the smaller man, hiding how confused he felt.

“I know. Real weird.” Silas said with a smile. “Do you take milk and sugar?” He asked, turning to Noak.

“Just milk.” Noak said. “Danks.” He added.

“I’m going to make myself a quick cup of tea, I shouldn’t be drinking coffee. Caffeine is so bad for me. Did you want to maybe watch a movie?” Silas said and walked to the refrigerator for the milk.

He poured the milk into the mug and held it out to the taller man.

“Light enough?” He asked.

“Ja. Perfect. Danks.” Noak said and took the mug. “We can watch a movie if you’d like to.” He said, keen on the idea.

“Awesome. So what kind of movies do you like?” Silas asked, starting the kettle and pulling a mug down for his tea. 

“I mostly watch horror movies. Also sci-fi and superhero films.” Noak said, sipping his coffee. It was a bit weak for his taste but he didn't bring it up.

“Well, I don’t have any of those, sorry.” Silas responded, dropping a tea bag into his mug and looking over at Noak. “Do you care if I pick one out?” He asked, turning back to the counter.

“I don’t mind at all. It’s your place.” Noak answered.

“Have you seen  _ Across the Universe _ ?” Silas asked, pouring the boiling water from the kettle over the bag.

“I have not seen dat. Anna has been bugging me to so sounds like a good option. Did she tell you?” Noak replied.

Silas looked over at Noak and laughed quietly.

“No. I haven't seen her since Friday.” Silas said. “I just like the movie.”

“I'm interested in seeing it, so why not.” Noak said.

“Great. Let’s go to the living room, I’ll set it up.” Silas said and took his tea off the counter.

He led the way out of the kitchen and showed Noak into the living room. He offered him a seat on the sofa and got the movie from the case to the DVD player. He started it and grabbed his remote control before joining Noak on the sofa. They settled down, curled up next to one another. At some point during the movie, Silas rested his head on Noak’s shoulder. At another point, he shifted away and sat a decent distance from the other man. Noak was quick to learn it was hard for the other man to sit still. They watched the movie in a comfortable silence. When the movie was over and as the credits began to roll, Silas turned to Noak in the dark. His hands started shaking and he hoped they would stop before the taller man noticed.

“So what did you think of it?” Silas asked. “Sorry I don't own any horror movies.” He added before the taller man could answer.

“I dought it was shit and I am so glad it is over. I can't believe you made me sit drough dat.” Noak said, then broke out into a big grin. “And you should be sorry, horror movies are deh best.” He added with a laugh.

Silas frowned even when he realized Noak was just teasing him. Noak frowned too and shifted closer to Silas on the sofa. He pulled Silas's beanie off to ruffle his hair and Silas smiled, laughing a bit. He looked back to the television and watched the words move up the screen.

“I’m kidding you Silas. I liked it, quite a bit actually.” Noak said. “Honestly, I’d never have picked it on my own but it was good and I would watch it again. I dug deh music; can’t go wrong with deh Beatles. Deh storyline was a bit weak if you don’t mind me saying.” He said.

Silas looked at him with a sideways glance. “Really? You liked it?” Silas asked.

“Really.” Noak said, looking at the smaller man’s profile.

“Would you watch it again because you liked it or you know I like it and you’d watch me?” Silas asked. “Don’t think I didn’t see you staring at me.” He said with a smirk, sticking his tongue out at the taller man.

Noak smiled and laughed quietly.

“Bo’d?” Noak responded sheepishly.

Silas laughed. “So if I asked you the plot, you could tell me?” He asked.

Noak laughed and shook his head yes. “Of course. I've got a big enough brain to multitask.” Noak said.

“I already know the plot of the movie.” Silas whispered, turning his body to face Noak head on. “So what was going on through your head when you were watching me?” He asked.

Silas’s voice went softer and dropped in volume. He leaned closer to the taller man. Noak didn’t answer right away. He looked over at Silas and smiled. He leaned closer as well.

“I was dinking about how I’d like to kiss you again.” He said.

“Do you still have kissing me on your mind?” Silas asked creeping closer.

Noak nodded his head slowly. He licked at his lip and took note how the movement drew Silas’s gaze to his mouth.

“I want to kiss you too.” Silas said.

“Do it.” Noak whispered.

Silas leaned in, pressing his lips against the other man's in a brief peck. He kissed over Noak’s scars before kissing his lips again, deepening it quickly. Silas sighed when Noak held loosely to his hips. They kissed for a few minutes and Silas pulled away.

“It's getting late.” Silas whispered, noting the time on the clock under the telly.

“I don't care.” Noak whispered and leaned to kiss Silas again. He didn't care. He did have to work the next day but had no interest in leaving Silas's place just yet.

Silas smiled into the kiss and moaned softly as he felt hands move up and across his chest. Noak held him close, arms wrapped around his shoulders.

**_Ask him to stay. You have your chance, take it._ **

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Silas asked, whispering the question against Noak’s lips.

Noak nodded. He put his hands against Silas’s chest, palms pressed to his heavy jumper. Silas kissed him and he felt his stomach drop as the kiss grew deeper. Silas reached for the remote control and blindly pointed it behind him to shut the television off. He dropped the remote onto the coffee table with a small clattering sound and shifted to kneel in front of Noak. He put one of his hands down on the taller man's left hip.

“Do you mind if I-” Silas asked, making a hand motion to indicate he wanted to sit in his lap.

“I do not.” Noak said.

Noak settled his arms around Silas’s lower back as the smaller man crawled into his lap. Silas snuggled up to Noak, resting against his chest and snaking his arms around his middle. His squirmy movements made Noak laugh and that in turn made Silas giggle along with him.

“I really do like your laugh.” Silas whispered before kissing Noak again. 

“I really like you.” Noak said, meeting his eyes.

“I like you too Noak.” Silas whispered and he leaned away from him but stayed in his lap. “I like you a lot, actually.” He said, then got really quiet.

**_Fuck him._ **

Silas looked away from Noak and focused his attention to the wall behind them. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

“Noak. I want, I-” Silas started but stopped.

_ Don't.  _ **_Ask him to fuck you._ ** _ Ask him to leave and you think about what you've done.  _ **Worthless.**

Noak brushed a thumb over Silas's cheek. Silas looked at him with a confused sadness in his eyes.

“I don't do relationships.” Silas whispered.

“Right.” Noak said, disappointment clear on his face, though knowing what little he did about Silas’s past, it didn't surprise him.

“Listen to me.” Silas said, his words a little harsher than he'd have liked them to be. “I like you. I want to try this out. I want, I want this.” He said.

Noak looked at Silas. “But? I know d’ere is a but coming.” He said.

“You said but coming.” Silas giggled.

Noak rolled his eyes and smiled.

“I can give you a physical relationship. It's complicated with emotions for me.” Silas said, more seriously. “Really fucking complicated. Um, I just need you to know that.” He whispered.

**Crazy.** _ You're no good to anyone.  _ **Worthless.**

Noak was quiet for a minute and let the other man’s words sink in. “Alright.” He said eventually. “Can you just try and promise me one ding?” He asked.

“What?” Silas asked.

Noak gave the smaller man’s hips a tentative squeeze. He bit his bottom lip and looked across the small space between them.

“Don't fuck around wid me. If it gets to a point where you need out, just tell me.” Noak whispered. “I've been hurt before and I don't want to again. I like you a lot Silas and I dink you're word deh risk to try but tell me if dere is no hope. Don't string me along.” He said.

Silas nodded his head. It was a fair request on Noak’s part. It was also something he knew he could do for him. Silas didn't want games either.

“I promise.” Silas said and smiled.

“Alright.” Noak whispered and he too, smiled.

Noak traced a hand up Silas’s back and ran his fingers through his hair. He pushed Silas gently closer and kissed him. Silas moaned and kissed Noak deeply. He softly bit his bottom lip and sucked on his tongue. Silas gave his hips a roll, moaning as their pelvises pressed into one another. Noak started to kiss down Silas’s neck, brushing his long hair out of the way as his lips made their way over his skin. He scraped his teeth lightly over his throat and Silas groaned. Silas rolled his hips again as Noak kissed up the side of his neck and gently bit his earlobe.

“That feels good, Love.” Silas whispered, the pet name just falling out. “My neck is really fucking sensitive. You can leave marks, I don't mind.” He sighed.

Noak smiled against the skin. He sucked a deep bruise below Silas’s ear and felt the shorter man shudder against him. He pulled away. They were breathing in short pants against the other. Noak’s hands moved to grip Silas’s hips.

“Can I lay you out on your back?” Noak whispered.

“Yeah.” Silas sighed.

Silas climbed out of the taller man's lap and let Noak gently push him down against the sofa cushions. He waited for Noak to reposition himself before pulling him down for a long kiss as the taller man moved over him. Noak kissed Silas again and again. He moaned quietly at the feel of Silas wrapping a leg around his own. It pressed their bodies closer. Silas rocked his hips up and against Noak’s thigh. Silas silently prayed he'd be able to get and maintain an erection as it wasn't a guarantee with the medication he was on. Noak rolled his hips gently down, grinding against Silas.

“Harder.” Silas whispered. “Please, be rough with me. I like it rough.” He encouraged the taller man.

Noak rolled his hips harder, feeling his own cock swell beneath his jeans. They continued to kiss deeply and move against one another. Noak raked his short nails down Silas’s sides, making the smaller man squirm under him. Soon Noak was hard, cock pressing uncomfortably against the back of his zipper. 

Silas wasn't hard and it bothered him immensely. Noak didn't seem to notice or mind and continued to gently rut against him. Silas felt amazing otherwise and he continued to move against the taller man.

“Can we move to your bedroom, maybe?” Noak inquired and moaned. He was enjoying what was going on between the two but realistically the sofa was not the greatest place to continue this sort of thing for a man his size. He was simply too tall. If anything more was to go on, the bed would beneficial.

“Yes.” Silas answered, pressing his hips up against Noak’s next downward thrust.

_ Disgusting whore. You'll burn for this sinful behaviour.  _ ‘No, I won't. Stop it.’  _ Disgusting. Filthy. No good Silas. _

Silas’s body arched under Noak’s and he closed his eyes, hoping the voice would stop. They each had a leg entwined; Noak's other was touching the floor and Silas's stretched along the back of the sofa. Silas made no move to get away from Noak or to get up from the sofa, instead he opted to pull Noak into another round of kisses. Silas arched further off the cushions below him, rolling hips against the other man. He sighed heavily. It all felt so good and closed his eyes, praying his body would respond. He could feel Noak’s erection pressing into him and it caused a low moan to work it’s way up Silas’s throat.

**_Ask him to see it. You know you want too._ ** _ Disgusting. Stop this now.  _ **_Ask him to fuck you Silas. You need it._ ** _ You'll burn. _

Silas whimpered, the sound inside his mind becoming too much. He opened his eyes and looked at Noak, who was looking back at him. He held eye contact for as long as he could but soon looked away.

“Take me to bed now.” Silas whispered and leaned to kiss Noak again.

Noak nodded slowly but continued to kiss the smaller man. Their hands roamed wildly over the other's bodies.

_ Stop this. You're no good.  _ **Worthless.** _ You're disgusting Silas.  _ **_Keep going. You need this you dirty bastard._ **

Silas gave the taller man’s arse a squeeze and Noak did his best to not break their kiss as he whined, the sound low in his throat. He felt Silas rock his hips against him steadily and it really had him turned him on. Noak kissed Silas deeper, fisting his large hands in Silas’s hair. He wanted to taste Silas again and again.

“Ah, fuck.” Noak whispered when Silas worked his hand between their bodies, pressing with the heel of his palm against his crotch.

Noak shifted and got his arms under the smaller man. He lifted him as he got up from the sofa, swaying but catching his balance. He held onto Silas as he wrapped himself around Noak and let himself be carried from the living room.

“Down the hall. Second door on the right.” Silas murmured against Noak’s neck.

Silas moved his lips to Noak’s throat to kiss and bite softly. Noak used one hand to open the door and held Silas up with his other arm. The room was dark but clean so there was a clear path to the bed. Noak dropped the other man to the mattress with a bounce. Silas scrambled up the bed and clicked on the lamp on his night table. He shed a few of his many layers but left the last jumper in place as he turned back to face Noak. Silas settled slouched against the pillows and watched as Noak looked around the room.

Silas's bedroom was mostly empty. There was the bed, a pair of night tables and a decently sized dresser. A wooden chair was situated in front of the bedroom's one window and it was buried beneath a pile of clothes. The furniture was old, dark stained and heavy oak. It had all been left behind by the previous occupants of the farmhouse. There were no decorations of any sort, the walls bare, the only exception being a very simple crucifix hanging over his headboard.

Noak looked down at Silas, sprawled out on the mattress. He took hold of his legs and spread them before kneeling down between them. “Dis okay?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Silas sighed.

**_Fuck him._ ** _ Disgusting!  _ **_Don't listen to her, you want this. You need this Silas._ ** _ No good whore!  _

Noak moved closer and stayed knelt in the gap between Silas's legs. Silas closed his eyes for a minute. When he opened them again he found Noak was looking at him. He blushed under his stare.

“You are so beautiful.” Noak whispered.

“What’s with the compliments? You’ve got me in bed already.” Silas whispered with a smile.

“I mean it. I could look at you all night.” Noak said.

Silas hummed. “I'd rather you touch me all night.” He said.

Noak licked his lips and climbed over the smaller man. He ran his hands down his sides and set them on his hips. He shivered when their lips met again in a few short kisses. Noak’s hands moved up and down the sides of Silas’s body. Noak tugged at his jumper. He made brief contact with heated skin as the fabric rode up. Silas rolled his hips. He settled back and it caused their hips to be closer together. He looked up at Noak and rolled his hips again. Noak moaned.

“Can I take your jumper off?” Noak asked.

Silas nodded his head eagerly. He sat up to make it easier for Noak to pull the clothing up and over his head. He shivered against the chill in the room and watched as his top was dropped onto the floor. He quietly watched Noak's face, as the taller man let his eyes wander. Silas shivered under Noak's gaze.

Noak bit his bottom lip and tried to meet the other man's eyes but Silas looked away. Noak let himself study the slight body before him. Silas was incredibly skinny, much more obvious without his shirt. His rib cage was prominent beneath pale and freckled skin. His arms were littered in scars, self inflicted by the looks of them. Noak said nothing, never one to judge.

Silas noticed Noak looking at his arms and shifted to prop himself up, blocking them from further view. He didn't know why he felt shy all of a sudden. He was comfortable with Noak. He finally met Noak’s eyes.

“Take off yours too?” Silas requested, biting his lip and staring at the taller man.

Noak nodded and pulled his shirt off next. He flushed a pale red colour. Noak was self conscious of how he looked without clothes on. He didn't have a slender build like Silas had. Noak had strong muscle beneath the surface but his exterior was chubby and soft. He’d been teased and rejected for his looks before. He pushed the thoughts aside and pushed Silas back against the mattress.

Silas reached to pull Noak’s lips down to his own. Noak was leaned down and had pressed some of his weight against Silas. He was worried the smaller man might break. His worry was eased when Silas moaned deeply.

“Oh my God Noak.” Silas whispered and kissed Noak’s throat. He kissed up and over his chin.

Noak sighed at the kisses and groaned when Silas kissed his lips wantonly. He brought a hand to cup the smaller man’s face, holding him gently. His other hand was at his waist, tickling along the top of his jeans.

Silas ran his fingers up Noak’s back and back down to squeeze his arse. He moved his hands around to his front. He traced over the tattoos on his arms, down to his wrists and back up to his shoulders. He traced narrow fingertips along the base of Noak's throat and settled his palms lower, pressing against his chest.

“Fuck Noak. You’re incredibly sexy.” Silas whispered.

Noak shuddered. The two kissed for a little while, lazy and slow. Lips brushed lips and curious fingers teased warm skin. Silas stopped kissing him. He leaned back against the mattress and looked up at the larger man. He pet his hand over the soft dark blonde hair that covered the center part of Noak’s chest. He traced over a nipple and pinched the nub between his thumb and index finger until it got hard. Silas watched Noak’s eyes close for a brief moment. After a time, Silas pushed up on Noak. He kissed and nipped down the larger man’s neck while running his nails over the skin of his back. He wrapped his leg around the other man’s. Silas thrust his hips up into the larger man. He grinded against him and created much desired friction. The motion caused Noak to moan loudly. His hips picked up a slow rhythm to match Silas’s efforts. Noak had his face buried in the crook of the other man's neck. He panted heavily and pressed open mouthed kisses against warm skin.

“Ah fuck.” Noak gasped on a particularly well angled roll as a jolt of pure pleasure coursed through his body. “You keep dis up, I'm gonna cum in my jeans like a teenager.” He whispered with a laugh turned moan.

Silas stilled his hips. He could feel Noak’s erection pressed against him. He sighed in frustration with himself. He was still not hard.

“Shall I take off your jeans then?” Silas asked quietly.

Noak nodded in answer to the question. He was breathing slow but heavy. He could feel his heartbeat thump away inside his chest. His erection strained against his fly. He thought taking off the jeans would certainly feel better. He let his eyes settle on Silas. He frowned at the frustration he saw in Silas’s eyes.

The smaller man breathed evenly. He closed his eyes when he saw Noak looking at him. When he opened them again, Silas smiled at Noak. He pushed himself up and reached to slip the button on Noak’s jeans open. He smiled when the larger man moaned as he lowered the zipper.

Noak looked down, watching Silas’s narrow fingers working his jeans down over his thighs. He trailed his eyes back up, taking the time to study the half naked body before him. He worked to memorize the pale expanse of skin, the freckles that dusted his shoulders and swept down his back. Noak gently pushed Silas back. He admired the freckles on his collar bones and traced down over his rib cage and flat belly, covered in the lightest dusting of dark hairs. Silas closed his eyes and moaned quietly at the soft touches. Noak’s eyes followed the line of thickening hair below Silas’s navel that disappeared beneath the waist of his jeans. Noak reached his hand out and brushed a nipple. Silas gasped quietly and when Noak did it again, Silas moaned low in his throat.

“Fuck that’s nice.” Silas whispered and opened his eyes. He pushed Noak’s jeans down to his knees.

Noak smiled softly at him with a tilted head. The look he was giving him reminded Silas of a big teddy bear. Silas blushed and felt his cock twitch but it didn't swell. Noak gave Silas’s nipple a pinch and the small man groaned out loud. Noak tickled the skin on his chest, tracing over the flat plane. He pinched his other nipple and Silas groaned again. Noak traced lower, down over Silas’s belly. His hand settled at his jeans and he thumbed over the button. He looked to Silas for permission.

“Noak, no.” Silas said, pushing his hand away. “N-not yet. I’m sorry.” He whispered, wanting to stay covered until he was hard.

Noak hushed him. “Don’t be sorry. It’s okay.” He said and traced back up his sides.

Silas shivered and moaned at the soft touches, arching his body. He leaned close, breath hot against Noak’s neck.

“I’ll get hard Love.” Silas whispered, knowing it was a lie. “Just- just touch me in all the right places.” He whined.

He licked up Noak’s throat. His tongue traced over his Adam's apple. His teeth nipped at his chin before meeting with his mouth for a deep kiss with plenty of tongue. The kiss was short lived and left both men panting.

“So, what are deh right places?” Noak asked and absently toyed with his nipples.

Silas whined and smirked. “Where's the fun in telling you?” Silas whispered but was certain Noak was doing well finding them on his own. Silas moaned, Noak had been working him up in the right way; he had extremely sensitive nipples.

_ Disgusting.  _ ‘Stop it.’  **Worthless.** ‘I said stop. All of you just stop.’

“Can we change positions?” Noak asked, wanting the smaller man straddling him.

Silas responded with a nod. He crawled away to give Noak the room to kick off his jeans the rest of the way. He settled back against the mattress. Silas palmed himself but felt no response. He sighed, still frustrated and a little bit angry. He climbed onto Noak and sat over his middle. Silas could better see the tattoos on Noak’s arms in this set up; the lamp light hitting him just so. He traced over the inked lines, admiring the work done. He kept his admiration of the art brief, silently hoping and praying that there would be other times to do so. Noak was quiet. Silas took it as him being upset.

“I think you're so sexy, Noak.” Silas whispered. “I thought so when I first saw you.” He sighed.

“You did?’ Noak asked quietly.

Silas hummed in reply.

Noak reached out and pressed his hand to Silas’s chest. He traced over lines of lean muscle and defined bone. His thumb skimmed past a nipple and Silas’s breath caught. His other hand did the same on the opposite side and Silas let out a shaking breath.

“Fuck. I love getting my nipples teased.” Silas whispered. “Keep doing it.” He sighed.

Noak brushed his thumbs in circles, teasing the other until his nipples were hard. Silas got light headed and his breath caught again. Noak pinched the hardened nubs. He twisted the left. Silas groaned and his hips jerked as he shuddered. He laid his hands on Noak’s shoulders. He traced down his body and ran his thumb along the top of his boxer shorts. The rest of his fingers trailed through fine blonde hairs on his belly pudge. Silas’s eyes slipped closed as Noak moved his hips.

“Oh fuck.” Silas gasped as Noak rolled them up off the bed into his backside.

Silas’s eyes fluttered. He felt his cock twitch and he smiled before biting his bottom lip. Noak thrust against his arse again.

‘Oh God that felt fantastic.’  _ [He's disgusting.] You'll burn for this.  _ ‘Stop it. Please stop.’

Noak pulled Silas down towards him, as he moved to sit propped up on one arm. He sucked on Silas’s bottom lip. Silas moaned and started to roll his hips back against Noak’s erection. Noak held tightly to Silas. He rolled his hips off the bed a few times and his eyes closed as they kissed. Silas groaned at the feel of Noak’s erection pressed to his bum. After a few moments, when Silas still hadn't felt his own cock pressing against the front of his jeans, he whimpered in distress. Noak didn't slow his movements as he squeezed his hands tighter around the smaller man's hips. Silas was still silently praying that he'd get hard but it wasn't in the cards.

“Fuck.” Silas cried and stopped his rocking motions. 

He groaned in frustration again. He closed his hand around Noak’s free wrist and led the larger hand to rest against his crotch. He rocked his hips into Noak’s palm until Noak took the hint and started to rub and press on his own. Noak’s actions drew quiet gasps and whines from Silas. He wanted to feel more. He wanted his body to respond to everything Noak offered, it just wasn't going to happen no matter how badly Silas wanted it. After what felt like wasted time, Silas asked Noak to stop. Noak stopped immediately and looked up at Silas. The smaller man climbed off Noak and sat down at his side. He curled in on himself and cursed quietly. He absolutely hated himself over it.

“Are you okay?” Noak asked and sat up.

“I’m fine.” Silas replied but wouldn’t look at the other man. He wasn't fine. Silas felt awful. It was a long time before he looked back at Noak. “Fuck, I'm sorry.” He said.

“For what, Silas?” Noak whispered, needing no apologies.

Noak put his hand out and rest it on Silas’s shoulder. Silas remained curled up but Noak was relieved the other man didn't pull away from the touch. There was a long moment of silence between the two. Noak felt like maybe he did something wrong or wasn’t doing enough. He was ready to just face the reality or squash his fear.

“Was I doing someding wrong?” He whispered. “Is, um. Have you changed your mind about me?”

Silas looked at Noak and had a look on his face like his heart just broke.

“Noak, no.” He said. “This is all me. Not you, not at all.” He whispered and touched Noak's face. “No. I promise you. I think you are perfect.” He said and kissed him on the cheek. “Sometimes, it just doesn't work. I'm, um, I'm so sorry. Fuck this is embarrassing.” He sighed.

Silas let his eyes scan over Noak’s body, stopping when they fell upon the bulge between his legs. He reached and palmed at it. He looked up into Noak's eyes. He held their gaze.

“I can help you take care of that.” Silas said quietly. “Just because my cock can't get its shit together,” he laughed quietly, it was all nerves, “you shouldn't have to suffer.” He said.

Noak sighed and his eyes fluttered as the heel of Silas’s hand pressed against him.

“I'm not suffering. I'll be fine.” Noak assured him and gently moved Silas’s hand away.

Silas smiled.

“Is there anything I can do?” Silas asked. “Are you sure I can't help you get off? I could, maybe suck you off. I, um, I like doing that. Do you, um, want a handjob?” Silas added, quietly rambling.

Noak paused to think but he knew he was fine. Both suggestions were nice but he didn't think it'd be fair. He settled back against the mattress and patted the space next to him. Silas shifted closer to the taller man and snuggled up. They took each other's hands and entwined their fingers. Noak leaned in to kiss Silas. It was slow and it was sweet. There was no drive to get each other off. It was simply a way for them to be close and enjoy one another.

“Let's just keep kissing.” He said.

“Okay.” Silas said with a smile. “I’d like to keep doing that too. You're sure you're not upset with me about this?” He whispered.

“Not at all Silas. D’ere's no reason eider of us should be upset. Dese dings happen and it's okay.” Noak replied and gave Silas's hand a squeeze.

They stayed close, holding one another and kissing slowly late into the night. Neither was sure when they fell asleep but it happened. Silas was curled up against Noak, leg draped over his hip. Noak had his arm across Silas’s chest, a loose fist curled in the sheets beside him.


	7. Chapter 7

The following morning Silas opened his eyes. It was still dark outside. He was groggy but well rested and found himself alone in his bed. He wasn't all that surprised if he was honest with himself, used to being left alone after a night with someone. The lack of surprise didn't make the feeling sting any less though; Silas really liked Noak and hoped that things wouldn’t end in this way. He remembered falling asleep next to Noak, wrapped in his arms. He remembered how right that felt to him. Silas rolled onto his side and pulled the covers up and over his head. He wasn't going to let himself harp on it too long but while the bed was still warm against the early morning chill, he'd allow himself a small pity party.

_ [Told Silas he’d run.] You never listen. You’re not worth shit Silas. [He fucked it all up again.] _

Silas thought about how nice of a time he'd had the night before. The kisses, the movie and the conversation after it where he invited Noak to stay the night. He thought things were going well until there was no sex involved like he had hoped; his inability to get an erection ensured that, but there was an awful lot of kissing and touching. There were cuddles and sleeping. He was aware how he'd had no nightmares. His thoughts stopped when he realized he was crying. He decided at that point that the night’s lack of performance destroyed any and all chances he had seeing Noak again. He’d driven him away, never to be seen again. Silas sobbed out loud.

_You’re not worth shit._ ** _You should have sucked him off._** _[He fucked it all up again.]_ _You’re shit Silas._ ** _Or at least given it a little jerk, something to make him stay._** _You're just no good Silas._ **Worthless.**

Silas didn't hear the creak of his bedroom door as it opened. He did smell coffee, strong coffee. He thought maybe he was just hallucinating it. He didn’t hear the quiet taps of two mug bottoms hitting the surface of a night table. He felt the dip of the mattress behind him and as he pulled the covers from over his face he could feel an arm slide around him, over his middle. He leaned into the embrace and looked behind him. He smiled softly at Noak.

“Oh, um, hi.” He whispered, with a laugh and tried to mask that he'd just been crying.

“Hi.” Noak responded quietly. “Good morning.” He mumbled, pressing a kiss to Silas's shoulder.

They leaned together for a brief kiss that felt natural and unforced. It was at that moment Silas realized this was what he wanted in his life. He wanted to wake up next to this man for the rest of his days. Noak pulled away first. He had a smile on his face.

“I meant to surprise you wid some breakfast but you did not have much in your kitchen dough so I hope you do not mind just a cup of coffee.” He said cheerfully.

Silas grinned up at him.

“Coffee is perfect.” Silas replied. “I, um, I th-thought you’d left.” He said after a moment of silence.

Noak frowned. He brushed Silas’s messy hair off his face, back out of his eyes. He leaned and pressed a kiss to his forehead. He hugged him closer, the smaller man leaning into him.

“Leave widout saying goodbye?” He asked and shook his head no. “I will not do dat.” He stated.

Noak smiled down at the shorter man and held his gaze intensely. Silas licked his lips and softly smiled back. He was having a hard time truly believing the words but they were nice to hear.

“In case you missed deh memo, I really really like you Silas.” Noak said.

“I like you too Noak.” Silas said.

Silas closed his eyes and leaned up for another kiss, pulling the larger man over him. He kissed him despite the worry over morning breath. The smell of coffee tempted both men to stop but the desire to be close was stronger. It was Silas that eventually pulled away and sat up.

“Your kiss is addicting.” Silas whispered. “You have that coffee now?” He asked.

Noak smiled and sat up. He turned to pull the mugs he’d brought from kitchen off the night table. He handed one to Silas and kept the other for himself.

“Cream and extra sugar.” He whispered as he passed a mug over.

“You remembered?” Silas said.

“Ja.” Noak said. “Not dat difficult.” He added.

Silas laughed quietly. He sat up and sipped the coffee. He leaned to put it down and excused himself from the room for a moment. He went down the hall and into the toilet. He decided, unwisely, to skip his morning dose of medication and took the time to clean his teeth. He used the toilet and washed his hands before heading back down to his room. He was still surprised Noak was in there. He really couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea that the taller man wanted to be there with him. He crossed the room and climbed back into bed. He picked up the coffee from his night table and took a sip.

“You make really good coffee.” Silas said. “And I’ll drink it, but just a heads up, I usually drink tea.” He said with his head on Noak’s shoulder, leaning into him. “I shouldn't have caffeine.”

“Noted.” Noak replied, arm around Silas as he lightly stroked over his stomach. “So, I should probably leave in an hour if I am to make it to work on time.” He said.

“Ugh.” Silas grumbled. “What time is it?” He asked.

“A little after six.” Noak replied.

“Fuck. I don’t know what happens this early. I am going back to sleep when you leave.” Silas said and Noak laughed at him, it was light and not intended to mock him.

“I will be jealous of deh sleeping in as I am not looking forward to work dis morning.” Noak said and leaned over to put his mug on the table behind him. “I dread what I will be walking into.” He added.

“I am sorry for you.” Silas said and leaned to put his own mug aside. “So what did you want to do with this hour we have?” He asked, smiling.

“I dink you know.” Noak whispered and pulled Silas into a kiss.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

After Silas said his goodbyes to Noak that morning, he upped the thermostat in the house and made himself a mug of tea. He set it on the counter to steep. He was feeling cold again, bitterly cold. He went to his bedroom and was sure to layer up and went looking for the beanie Noak had pulled off his head the night before. He found it down the back side of his sofa. Silas went into the kitchen and remade himself some tea as the first mug had gone cold. He drank his tea in silence and stayed in the kitchen, opting to sit on the floor next to the oven, which he’d put on strictly for its warmth. After his tea was done, Silas shut off the oven and made his way back to his room. He slipped on an extra pair of wool socks before he got into bed. He buried under all his blankets and shivered himself into a fitful sleep. His last thought was how he wanted to see Noak again.

Silas didn't sleep well at all, his mind plagued with unsettling thoughts and images. He hadn't experienced the kinds of nightmares he’d had in a long while. A particularly awful one was what woke him from his nap, nap being a very loose term. Silas had slept away the entire day. He sat bolt upright in bed. He was shaking and felt overheated. He had the start of an epic headache at the back of his neck. He reached to wipe at his face. He'd been crying.

Eventually he crawled out of bed and stripped down to his pants. He was still too warm. He moved about on autopilot, making his way to the toilet. He used it and after washing his hands he reached into the cabinet for his medication. He looked at the bottle and put it back. Again, he decided, no, he wasn't going to take them. He walked down the hallway and it wasn't until he entered the the living room that he realized it had gotten dark. A quick glance at the clock let him know he'd been sleeping for over ten hours.

“Fuck.” He muttered to himself.

Silas wanted to know where his mobile was. Normally, he didn’t care but he was curious if he’d hear from Noak. He found the phone in the kitchen, where he’d left it the night before. It still held a charge but it was low. The little light in the corner flashed, alerting him he had messages. He reached down to pick up the phone and realized his hands were shaking.

: Oh no. Working late did nothing last night. The whole system on the 8th floor crashed. :

: Took me longer to reprogram than it should have. I am understaffed today :

: How is your day going? I miss you ;) :

: I am headed home from work now maybe we can talk later feel free to text me if you would like to. :

: Are you okay? Anna told me you’ll be out of work for the week? What happened? :

Silas read the texts, all from Noak. He was quick to note they hadn't been sent all at once. They were spread out over the time Silas was sleeping.

_You don't deserve to be happy. [Silas has a lot of nerve thinking this is okay.]_ **Worthless.** _You don't deserve anything you freak._ **Worthless**. _Text him back._ _[Silas will not text him back.] Do it. He won’t want it and will stop replying._ **Worthless.**

Silas put the mobile down and set about the motions of making himself some tea. He was much too exhausted to answer Noak and really had no energy to fight the voices in his head, they were probably right, he didn’t deserve to be happy.

Silas took his tea and brought it into the living room. He sat on the sofa, keeping the room dark and quiet. So what, he’d spent the day in bed, catching up on the sleep he knew he desperately needed. Andrea had told him to take it easy and sleep, so that is what he did and he tried not to be mad at himself. He felt a little bad about not texting Noak back but he couldn’t muster the energy to care. He stared at the mobile, which he set on the table in front of him. Eventually, he leaned and picked it up.

_ He thinks you're ignoring him.  _ **Worthless.** _ You'll never keep friends. _

Silas wondered if maybe that were true. The words kept him from sending a reply. He set the mobile back on the table and leaned back into the sofa. He curled up his legs and rested his chin on his knees. He stared at the darkness outside. For a while his mind was completely blank. He sat there dazed and empty. After some time, images of fire filled his mind. Everything around him started to burn. He felt his chest tighten and he could smell smoke.

_ You don't deserve to be happy. You don't deserve anything you freak. _

The images and smell went away just as quickly as they came. Silas was crying again. He reached to wipe at his eyes. Silas sobbed quietly and got up from the sofa. He went to his bedroom to fetch the throw blanket that belonged in his living room. He made his way to the kitchen, where he made himself a second cup of green tea with sleep enhancers. He thought about his medication as he waited for the kettle to boil. He knew it was stupid not taking it, especially that it worked so well for him. He made his decision to stop so he could feel things again. It wasn’t a sound thought but it was all he had.

Silas returned to the living room with his tea and blanket, feeling a bit loopy and tired again. He curled up on the sofa and sipped the hot beverage. He opted to put the telly on, not really watching. It was more a welcomed distraction from his own mind. He covered himself with the throw and settled into the cushions. He couldn't get comfortable. Silas found the telly more annoying than helpful so he shut it off. He closed his eyes but didn't fall asleep. It was about midnight when his stomach grumbled. He'd forgotten to eat, again.

‘I'm hungry.’  _ No you aren't. _ ‘Yes I am.’  _ [Silas doesn't deserve food.]  _ ‘I don't. You're right.’

Silas got up from the sofa, body stiff from sitting so long. He left the room and walked past the kitchen without a glance. He headed into the toilet to take a shower. He hoped it would ease the tension he felt all over.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

It was nearly one in the morning. Noak was in his room in his flat. Since it was late, and he'd worked late he never saw his flatmate, John, who must've gone to be before Noak arrived home. He was sitting at his computer working on code for the new program he was developing. He hadn’t done much work with it since he’d arrived in London and being he had a night to himself, he decided to pull up the work and poke around. He'd been at it nearly three hours and his eyes were strained from staring at the screen for too long. He reached for his coffee and took a sip. He made a face of disgust as it had gone cold.

Noak got up from his chair and stretched, cracking his back in the process. He stretched up and reached out, brushing his fingers against the ceiling, just because he could. He decided to make himself a new cup of coffee before bed. When he left his room the living room was dark and quiet. John was up playing  _ Zombie Camp 7 _ . Noak stayed quiet but gave a little wave. His flatmate waved back but remained immersed in the game.

Noak went into the kitchen and dumped his mug into the sink and rinsed it out. He poured the last of the coffee from the pot into the clean mug. He put it in the microwave for two minutes and turned to fetch the milk. He heard his mobile sound from the other room. He assumed it was Anna, based on the late hour, and didn’t check to see what it said. He waited for the coffee to finish in the microwave. He pulled the hot mug out, and filled the remaining space with milk. He carried it back to his room and shut himself inside.

Noak set the mug onto his night table and crossed the room to his desk. He picked up the mobile and was delighted to see the message had come from Silas and not his sister. Noak read the message and smiled. He was growing quite fond of the other man.

: Hey. You're probably asleep. Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I sort of zoned out. :

Noak typed out his reply and hit send.

: I am still awake I was up coding. You feeling better? Anna told me you’re sick.:

He found himself yawning and moved over to his bed. He picked up his coffee and took a swig. He put the mug back down and sat on his bed. 

: Is Anna going to tell you every time I miss work? It’s not her business. :

Silas replied. A second message went through almost right away.

: I really don’t mind. I am feeling better, thanks. What are you doing now? :

Noak smiled at the message. He thought about what to reply and decided he may as well get ready for bed, he was exhausted. Noak typed his message and bent to untie his boots. He kicked them towards the door and pulled off his socks next. He tossed them by his boots. He hit send before he slipped out of his jeans and shirt. He climbed into bed and settled with his back to the headboard.

: I am probably going to ask Anna to stop telling me anyway, you’re right, it’s not her business. My mind is awake but my body is tired. I am getting into bed now. You? :

There was a bit of a wait before Silas’s next message came through. A second text followed right away.

: Laying in the dark. :

: I am fine. I just needed to take a few personal days, nothing to worry about. :

Noak smiled at the messages. He was thankful that Silas said he was fine. Noak typed out something he wanted to ask.

: Do you mind if I ask how you are not feeling well? Was it the lack of decent sleep the night before ;) :

There was a long while before he got an answer from Silas. He wondered if maybe asking was too personal a question. He didn't want to upset Silas or make him uncomfortable.

: I suffer migraines. :

Silas texted. It wasn’t a lie but it had nothing to do with the question Noak had asked him.

: Oh I am sorry do you have one now? :

Noak sent back.

: No but I feel one coming. :

Silas answered. He left off with that. He wasn't sure what else he could say. He knew he was the one to message Noak first but he ran out of fuel to keep the conversation going. He also felt bad about lying. He knew it wasn’t the best thing. He did have a headache, but it was no migraine.

: Sorry. Did you want to get some sleep? I thankfully don't get migraines but Mama does and I know sleep helps. :

Noak typed and reached for the wire to plug in his mobile. He could still text while it charged. While leaned close to his night table, he shut the lamp. He'd thought about reading but decided he wasn't into it at the moment. He lay himself down and got comfortable against his pillow.

: You're lucky. They are terrible. :

: I am fine. I took a long nap before. Am I keeping you up? :

Silas sent. He waited for Noak to reply before hitting send on a third text he’d already typed it.

: Not at all. I don’t mind talking to you. :

Noak had barely sent his text before another from Silas came through.

: Can I tell you something? :

Silas asked. There was another minute before Noak replied.

: Sure. Anytime. :

Noak replied, smiling to himself.

Silas stared at the reply and his thumb hovered over the keypad. He hesitated but eventually typed his message and hit send.

: I know I’ve said that I like you and I do but also I am so attracted to you physically that it hurts wondering when I will get to see you again :

Silas waited for Noak’s reply. He felt his cheeks warm as he blushed, alone in his room.

: You are? :

Noak sent back. He was taken with the admission. He couldn’t wrap his head around the idea that anyone was physically attracted to him, much less the idea it was the same person he felt physically attracted to. Noak’s reply was sent less than a minute later but Silas felt as if it were hours between his admission and Noak’s question. He'd wondered if he said the wrong thing and messed things up. Silas smiled at the mobile in his hand. The blush still colored his cheeks. Silas typed back and felt silly.

: I really do find you attractive. I want to do so many things to you, it’s a bit obscene really. ;) Is that okay? :

Noak felt his belly fill with butterflies. He read Silas’s text over three times before he typed his reply.

: Ja. ;) I’d be honoured to do obscene things with you :

Noak felt his belly flop as he hit send.

: XD :

Silas replied with an excited happy face as he was quite pleased with Noak’s response. He thought about their conversation the night before, about how he wasn't looking for a relationship. Silas felt like maybe he could have been wrong about that. Either way he was happy the physical attraction was there on both sides. He was hoping that their next time together would be better because he stopped taking his pills.

**Worthless.** _ It'll never happen.  _ **Loser.** ‘Shut up.’

Silas closed his eyes and opened them again. He was hoping to get another text from Noak and when there wasn’t, he panicked. He thought the worst. The idea that it was late and that Noak might have fallen asleep didn’t cross his mind.

: Did I scare you off? : 

Silas sent. He waited for a reply that never came.


	8. Chapter 8

Just about two weeks had passed since Noak and Silas met for coffee that evening after work. They'd stayed in contact, texting every other day, sometimes two days in a row. Noak was good with keeping their communications strictly text, Silas's preferred method. They mutually decided they were boyfriends now; Noak jokingly saying it was okay because Silas had finished reading and really liked,  _ The Martian  _ by Andy Weir _. _

The couple hadn't made definitive plans to see one another since the Tuesday Noak had spent the night, because it was around the same time that Noak became swamped with work. Silas, too, had been busy with work. He was relieved that he'd caught up and decided to go part time. Things were looking up, at least he believed they were.

Silas kept himself busy and distracted during the hours he'd not been at the office. He'd been to the pub to spend some time with Maggie and George. He spent the first Saturday with Mrs. Baker, helping the elderly woman do her grocery shopping and do prep work for a family dinner on Sunday. She'd invited Silas to come back for the dinner but he politely refused. He told her that he'd already made plans, but he hadn't. He just felt the busy Saturday would leave him socially drained for at least three days. He was right.

He had been sleeping but it hadn't been well. He woke frequently, absolutely wrecked from a slew of terrifying nightmares. He dreamt of the Langston house and the sad excuse for a family that lived there. It had been years since he'd had any contact with them and it made him sick to have them back in his thoughts. It had gotten so bad, his mind fought sleep. He'd taken to using his tranquilizers again, just so that he'd not stay awake for days at a time.

Silas refused to let himself slip away, out of his mind. He did his best to not let himself get bored. He wished that winter wasn't coming at the speed it was. He'd have enjoyed time outside in his garden but all of his plants had died for the season and it was much too cold to spend too long out there. Instead, he tried to read in his downtime, but the voices inside his head would keep him from maintaining the focus he needed to do so. He tried to write, personal content, and not things to put in the paper, but his unsettled mind stopped him from getting anything done. The voices really were getting bad again, a sure result of him stopping his medication. He felt bad about it at first, even guilty, but after the first week, his regret quieted down and the guilt was gone. The pills he'd been so good with keeping to his schedule taking were no longer a thought in his head. They should have been but they weren't.

Noak was super busy with his job. As head of his department, it was his duty to update each floor's system to prevent any further crashes in computer security. He worked many days with late hours. Any chance he had for personal activities had been pushed to the back burner for the few days until that project was completed. He had no time to work on his own coding project and no time to play games with John. Even Anna had been busy with her own life that he hadn't seen his sister since the Halloween party. Any spare moment that Noak could find, he made sure to either eat, sleep or text his boyfriend.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

It was Saturday morning, not too early, and Noak made the drive out to see Silas. The visit was a surprise and Silas was pleased. After coffee, tea and many kisses, they decided to spend the day together and Noak had suggested they spend the time outdoors. It was not warm but the sun was shining and the wind was not harsh. The taller man was big into hiking and while Silas was not, he was willing to start with smaller walks.

Noak drove the two of them to a park with a three kilometer circular trail that was mostly flat and ran through some beautiful forest and along a stream for a part. It was an excellent choice for beginners. He parked the car close to the start of the trail, so that they needn't do any extra walking. They were not the only two out there but the park was not even close to being crowded.

They had spent most of the afternoon walking, Silas asking for frequent breaks because he had to work harder to keep up with Noak's wider strides. After around two hours, they completed the trail and the amount of people there started to increase. Silas decided it was time to call it quits for the day. Noak had agreed. It had been fun but there were other things the two could be doing.

Noak drove them into a nearby town and parked in the only empty spot he could find. They took a short walk and went into a small cafe. The town was situated near the halfway point between their homes. It was crowded and Noak suggested they take the drinks to go but Silas told Noak he didn’t mind. In their time together and talking over texts, Noak had learned Silas suffered with social anxiety and didn't do well in crowds. Silas told him he could deal, as long as Noak was there with him.

Noak was drinking his usual coffee and milk. Silas opted for green tea with honey as their little nature walk had triggered a congestion headache. He was well enough to stay out with his boyfriend but it was still a noticeable pain. He was wearing a pair of sunglasses, even as they were sat indoors.

_ You look stupid. [Let him. People will just stare like they already do.]  _ **_Ask him to take you home. You owe him._ ** _ [Disgusting. You and Silas.] _

“So I heard tonight is supposed to be clear and dere isn’t supposed to be any wind.” Noak said.

“Yeah?” Silas whispered, distracted. He shook the voices away and looked across the small table at his boyfriend.

“Ja. So if you're up to it, maybe we can set up a blanket and stargaze. A reliable source tells me dere is probable chance of meteors tonight.” Noak said.

Silas smiled. He reached across the table and took Noak's hand. Silas liked holding his hand. It made him feel safe. He absently traced along his larger fingers with his own.

“Any chance that reliable source is a big and handsome Swede?” Silas asked, a little teasing in his tone.

Noak grinned big and brightly. “Ah, I don’t reveal my sources Silas!” He said and gave his boyfriend’s fingers a squeeze. “But because it is you dat asked, ja he is a Swede, and very very handsome, I'm told.” He added.

Silas laughed and squeezed Noak’s fingers back before he pulled his hand away.

“I think stargazing with you would be wonderful, Love.” Silas said. “I’ve never done it before. I don’t spend a lot of time looking up.” He added.

**_Lame. Keep him inside. There's more to see in bed Silas._ ** _ [Disgusting.] _ ‘Please stop.’  _ [He wants us to stop.] What a loser you are. _

“Well you are in for a treat den. I will make a little space nerd out of you in no time.” Noak said and sipped his coffee.

Silas giggled. He shifted in his seat and sat up straight. He reached and took his glasses off. Quickly he decided that was a bad idea and put them back on. His head still hurt. He took a sip of his tea.

“I can be a space nerd.” Silas said matter of factly and ran the toe of his boot along Noak’s shin. “I have a good space teacher.” He added with a smile.

Noak smiled back and nodded his head. He set his coffee down and sighed.

“How is your head?” He asked, since he noted Silas had put the glasses back on.

“Quite good, I’m told.” Silas replied and looked at his boyfriend with a cheeky smile.

Noak closed his eyes and felt his cheeks go pink. He muttered a quiet oh my gods, and started to laugh. Silas laughed too.

“Are you feeling better?” Noak asked instead.

“I am not but,” Silas said unusually cheerful for someone with a headache, “I will be okay. It’s just a little stuffy.”

Outside the cafe, the sound of a car backfiring boomed in the street. Several patrons turned to look and few screamed at the fright. Silas flinched. He went ghost white as he found himself staring at a woman stopped on the sidewalk. The woman stared back at him through the cafe window.

‘Fuck.’  _ She found you.  _ **Worthless.** _ Run you piece of shit. [How did she find him? Heathen.] _ ‘Oh my God what am I going to do.’  _ Run, asshole! _

“No.” Silas cried out and stood up so fast his seat clattered to the floor behind him. People turned to look at the commotion but Silas was lost in his own head he didn't notice.

_ She found you. [He couldn't hide forever.] Run Silas. She'll succeed this time. _ ‘No. Stop it.’ _ [Like minded heathens will always find one another. They will burn. Burn!] You know we're right Silas. Run. _

“Silas are you alright?” Noak asked, concerned by the smaller man's actions. The other cafe patrons turned their attentions away from what was going on, too involved in their own lives to care what was going on.

Silas shook his head. He felt himself shutting down. He fought the urge to run, but it was a losing battle. He looked away from the window and towards an opposite door. He needed out.

“I need to leave. I can't, I can't be here right now.” He said in a panic. “Noak, I need to leave right now.” He said, biting his lip and holding back tears.

Noak frowned. He hadn't seen the woman so he figured it had been the noise that spooked his boyfriend. Silas flung off his sunglasses but wouldn't meet Noak's eyes. He moved away from the table and started walking towards the main door. Silas noticed the woman had gone. Noak got up. He bent down to pick up the discarded glasses and followed Silas. He was worried but didn't want to be overbearing. He did not trail too close, wanting to give him a little space. He left their drinks on the table, even though they were mostly full. He followed the shorter man out of the cafe and down the sidewalk half a block before Silas stopped dead in his tracks.

“Silas?” Noak said. “What are you doing?”

“No.” Silas said and was looking down one of the side streets. “I need to be alone. Just go.” Silas said, words harsh but not loud.

“Silas, are you okay?” Noak asked, stepping close to the smaller man.

“I don’t know!” Silas snapped.

The snap startled Noak just a bit, not used to such a manner of speaking coming from the smaller man. He attributed it to the backfiring car scaring him and it being a reaction fueled by anxiety. Noak himself suffered mild anxiety and knew that it could lead to snippy behavior.

“I thought I-” Silas sobbed and his words trailed off.

“Do you want to head home?” Noak asked, trying to be helpful. He was standing much closer to Silas but didn't attempt to touch him. “We can go now. I parked dat way.” He said, pointing in the opposite direction they were facing.

_ Don't go with him. Leave. You have to leave. [He will burn if she finds him. He will burn regardless. Disgusting sinner.] This is why you don't go out Silas. You're so stupid. [Disgusting.] _

“Stop it.” Silas whimpered and covered his face with his hands.

Noak reached out and gently touched Silas's shoulder. “Come on. Let's go.” He whispered.

Silas shrugged away the touch. He knew Noak was right but he wanted to shout at him to leave him alone again. He took a stuttering breath in and exhaled slowly.

“Okay.” Silas said softly but made no move to leave his spot.

“I am parked around back, remember?” Noak said reaching to take his boyfriend’s hand. He held his out to him, letting the other man decide if he'd take it or not.

Silas shook his head and pulled away his arm to stop Noak from trying to touch him. He felt embarrassed, as he was trembling. Silas felt dizzy but slowly turned to the taller man. He swayed on his legs as he took a couple of steps away. He stumbled but didn’t fall. His head was spinning and so was the world around him. He wanted to be sick. He felt his stomach clench and his shoulders heaved. Nothing came up but he cried out in pain. He did it again, eyes welling with more tears and all remaining color in his face drained. He looked sickly pale, a little grey. His core felt ice cold but he was starting to sweat profusely.

“Noak?” Silas said. “Noak, I’m sorry.” He said.

Silas reached out to the taller man to take his arm. His legs felt like jelly and his body hurt. He held to Noak's forearm, holding himself upright. He knew he'd fall if he didn't. He felt his heart racing.

“You don't look right.” Noak said, putting the arm not being held around his boyfriend's narrow waist. “Do you need to go to deh hospital?”

“No!” Silas choked out. “Home. I want to go home.”

Noak helped Silas walk, slow and short steps at first. He kept quiet, just as Silas was. The two walked the half block back and around to his car. Noak got Silas situated and buckled in. He kissed Silas's forehead, noticing he had a temperature. Noak got into his seat and drove them back out to Silas’s house. He played his music quietly and there was no conversation between them. Silas looked much better after the drive. His colour was coming back and he seemed to be focused.

They sat in the car for a minute, neither man saying a word. Noak was looking down at the dials on his dashboard, just something to look at. Silas was sitting with his eyes closed.

“I’m sorry I told you to go away.” Silas whispered. “I got scared.” He added.

“It happens.” Noak said and looked at the smaller man. “Should I go now? We can do deh meteors anoder time if you’d like.”

Silas finally opened his eyes and looked up at Noak. He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Yeah, another time.” Silas whispered.

They got out of the car and headed towards the front door. Silas made it unassisted but Noak kept with him, a step behind, just in case. Once Silas got the door open he turned to the taller man.

“Actually, can you stay tonight?” Silas asked. “Please?” He whispered.

“I will stay.” Noak said as he hit his key to lock his car.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

“You really aren't cold?” Silas asked, sitting there and looking at his boyfriend who was laying down.

Silas pulled his hoodie more tightly around himself and shivered. He tugged the hat on his head down to cover his ears.

“I am really not cold.” Noak assured his boyfriend, as he had worn a proper coat.

“Come, shift closer.” Noak said and opened his arms to close around Silas’s shivering body.

Silas lay down and snuggled up to Noak. He smiled and laughed when one of his hands rested against his arse and gave a squeeze. They had set up a couple of blankets out in the field behind Silas's farmhouse. It was dark and quiet out there. The spot they chose was soft, a large patch of moss on the far side of the hill.

“We can go back inside, you know?” Noak said.

“No. I want to be out here.” Silas insisted. “I can get my coat if it gets overwhelmingly awful. I promise I'll survive on your body heat for now.” He said.

Noak laughed quietly. He squeezed Silas tighter against him, content to have the small man resting against his chest.

“Alright but if you change your mind and want to go in, it is okay. I have seen many meteor showers before.” Noak said.

Silas turned his head and pressed his lips against Noak's chin. The brush of hairs from his beard tickled his lips and Silas sighed happily.

“Well I haven't and I'm kind of excited about it.” Silas said and laid his head back down against the other man. “Can you tell me more about where the meteors are coming from?” He asked.

“Ja.” Noak answered. “Dey are called deh Leonids, so dey look to be coming from deh general direction of deh constellation, Leo. Dat is dis one here.” He said and pointed up at the sky.

“Where?” Silas asked.

“Give me your hand.” Noak said and Silas did.

“I see it.” Silas whispered right away.

“Good. I'm starting to dink you see dem fine and just like holding my hand.” Noak said, chuckling quietly.

“You got me.” Silas giggled.

Noak laughed out loud. He led their hands a little further from the horizon.

“I don't mind dat you do.” Noak teased and poked his boyfriend gently in the side with his free hand. “Well, deh radiant is around dis area.” He said, moving their hands in a circular motion that covered a large area of the night sky.

“What’s a radiant?” Silas asked, turning to look up but all he could see was the bottom of Noak’s chin. He resisted the urge to kiss it again.

“It's a central point to look for meteors. Deh meteors can be seen all over deh sky but appear to all trace back to deh radiant. You see?” He said, pausing and Silas hummed in acknowledgement. “Dis point in deh sky is where meteor showers get d’eir names. Dey do not actually come from deh constellations demselves. Dese particular meteors are from space debris left from deh Tempel-Tuttle comet. It is one of deh lesser known comets in deh world. Well, it's known if space is someding you're interested in anyway. It's not commonly known like Hayley's comet.” He said.

“I know that one.” Silas said with a smile. “Well, I've heard of it. I wouldn't know what to look for when searching for it.” He added.

“Well, I can give you a whole lesson on comets if dat is someding dat interests you.” Noak replied. “Tonight dough, we will focus on deh meteors and a little bit about deh parent comet.”

Silas listened intently. He found it very informative and relaxing when Noak would go on talking binges. He turned to lay on his stomach and moved so that his chin was against the taller man’s shoulder. He was looking at the sky but not directly.

“Can we see the comet?” Silas asked curiously. “The Tempel-Tuttle, I think you said.”

“Ja, dat is what I said. But no. Not today. It comes around every dirty dree years, I dink dats right. Sounds right but I'll get back to you on dat.” Noak said and gave Silas a squeeze. “Are you still following?” He asked.

“Hmm. I am.” Silas said. “So how do the meteors happen? What makes them do whatever it is that they do.” He asked.

“Well when a comet passes drough a bit of space, it leaves stuff behind in its wake. Dis is all different dan say deh tail of deh comet. Deh tail stays attached. Deh debris falls off.” Noak explained.

“Comets have tails?” Silas interrupted.

Noak nodded his head and continued.

“Ja, comets have tails. But what I am talking about is not deh tail.” Noak said. “When a comet passes drough an area in space, it leaves behind rocks and ice. It just sits dere, floating drough empty space. So once a year, when deh Eard makes its orbit around our sun, we pass drough deh debris. When deh Eard passes drough dis particular stream of debris in mid November, we see what are known as deh Leonids.”

Noak spoke quickly and excitedly. He was absolutely thrilled that he had the chance into share his knowledge and it was shared with someone who he not only cared about but someone that was genuinely interested.

“So meteors are space rocks and ice?” Silas said, sounding so amazed but also a little confused. He found it a little difficult to keep up with how fast his boyfriend was speaking but he did it.

“Dat is what I am telling you.” Noak said with a laugh. “Space rocks dat move so fast dey burn up in deh atmosphere when dey fall drough.” He added.

“So not actual stars?” Silas asked quietly.

He felt bad asking so many things. To Noak, it seemed like this should be common knowledge. He propped himself up a bit, looking down at his boyfriend’s face. Noak shook his head no.

“No shooting stars then?” Silas whispered.

“Not from a scientific perspective.” Noak answered. “Does dat disappoint you?” He asked, reaching up to play with the strands of Silas's hair not covered by his hat.

Silas hummed but shook his head no. “I don’t believe in wishes anyway.” He said. “My lips are cold.” He whispered quickly before dipping his head to kiss Noak.

Noak smiled into the kiss. He moved to wrap both arms around Silas and pulled him closer. They kissed for a little while, Silas starting to shiver again but this time not from the cold. Silas pulled away from Noak's lips and found himself grinning in the darkness. He entwined their legs. Silas turned to better see the sky and settled into the crook of Noak's arm. His body pressed flush to the other man's.

“Much warmer.” Silas whispered and Noak laughed softly.

They lay out there for a little while. Silas was quiet and after a time, Noak stopped talking as well. Silas had moved his hand to sit in Noak’s and he entwined their fingers, just holding on. Many minutes passed in a quiet peace. It was Silas that was the one to break it.

“Let's get this space show going!” He said, filled with a sudden burst of energy.

“Give it time, Silas.” Noak said with a laugh. “Meteor watching takes patience.” He whispered.

He gently rubbed up and down Silas’s arm. He held the smaller body closer to him. Silas was enjoying the extra attention to keep warm. His skin tingled beneath his clothes wherever Noak touched him. Noak’s fingers tickled his side.

“I have no patience.” Silas giggled.

“Den dis is a good exercise in developing some.” Noak teased.

Silas was looking up at the stars but not seeing any movement.

“What if I die of boredom?” He asked.

“Are you bored?” Noak asked.

“No.” Silas responded.

“Den do not worry.” Noak said simply.

“But what if I do?” Silas asked.

Noak sighed and pressed a kiss to the top of Silas’s head. He gave his hip a squeeze.

“Well den I would have to give you moud to moud and bring you back.” Noak whispered.

He could feel Silas laughing. Noak, too, laughed. It was a nice feeling. They settled down and slipped into a comfortable silence once more. There was no distraction of birds or insects, it was too cold for them to be out. There would be a scurry of a fox or a squirrel in the trees that lined the field but for the most part, everything was still.

“Saw one!” Noak called out after nearly twenty minutes.

“I didn’t.” Silas sighed.

He had looked at Noak’s face for too long. He was distracted from the sky.

“So you are still watching? I dought you had fallen asleep.” Noak said, laughing.

“I am awake and yes I am watching.” He said. “Watching you.” He admitted with a laugh.

Silas reached down to pinch Noak’s hip. Noak squirmed at the pinch and continued to look up. Another ten minutes went by when both men called out.

“Saw that.” Silas said at the same time as Noak.

They laughed and smiled at each other.

Silas sighed. “They do move fast.” He said. “I felt like I could have missed that if I blinked.” He added.

“Ja. Dey are quick.” Noak whispered. 

Less than a minute later a fireball went whizzing across the sky.

“Oh shit.” Noak said and pointed at the trail it left.

Silas had missed most of it but caught the tail end.

“Aliens?” Silas asked, jokingly.

“I wish.” Noak replied, laughing.

“You believe in aliens?” Silas asked.

He started to feel cold again and tried to move closer to Noak. Save crawling on top of him, Silas was as close as he could get. Noak looked away from the sky, looking down at Silas who had been looking up at him. Their eyes met in the darkness but it was fairly easy to see the other. They had been out in the field long enough they had well adjusted vision.

“Do you not?” Noak asked, implying that he did.

“I haven’t given it much thought.” Silas answered truthfully and shrugged. “I mean, I suppose it would be silly to think we’re the only ones out here.” He added.

“Exactly.” Noak said.

“I don’t really believe in the theory of little green men that do experiments on your bum though.” Silas said with a laugh.

Noak laughed too and held onto Silas.

“Of course dat’s a ridiculous theory.” Noak said. “Deh little men are not green, dey are blue.” He added with amusement in his tone.

Silas burst out laughing and his body shook from laughing so hard. Once he stopped, Silas leaned up and kissed Noak softly. He let his lips linger and his tongue traced over his boyfriend’s lips. He did not deepen the kiss. Silas moved away and laid back down against the blanket and wrapped his arms around Noak, snaking one under his back. Noak reached for Silas’s hand and held it in his own.

“So why did that one meteor leave a trail when the others did not?” Silas asked.

“Dat was a fireball.” Noak answered. “Dey happen when deh meteors dat fall into deh atmosphere are larger dan deh oders. Dey can leave trails like dat one did. Some get brighter dan Venus. And even rarer, some make sounds. Dose are called bolides and I have never been lucky enough to see or hear one in person.” Noak said, speaking quickly.

Silas was still so amazed at how joyful Noak could sound talking about space and how quickly the information was there to tell. Silas wondered if Noak was passionate enough about him to talk like this when he wasn’t around.

“Another one.” Silas said as he dropped Noak’s hand and pointed towards the sky.

“Missed it.” Noak said.

He looked at Silas and thought about how he wanted to kiss him again. He didn’t and let his eyes go back to the sky above. Another half hour had gone by and two meteors zipped by within seconds of one another. Silas gasped as the first one blazed brightly with no trail. Noak smiled.

“So meteor watching is not so boring?” Noak asked and touched Silas’s cheek.

“No. I like it.” Silas said, leaning into the touch.

Silas moved to sit back up again. His leg was cramped from how he had been laying on his side. He gave it a stretch outward then he bent it at the knee. Silas rubbed at the back of his own thigh, working out a knot in the muscle.

“I like being out here. I mean, yes I am cold but,” Silas said. “it’s calming and quiet. It’s time I get to spend with you, Love.” He whispered.

Silas also deeply appreciated that his mind had been quite for most of the night. The short nap he'd taken after the two got back from their hike and botched coffee stop had helped ease the voices. He tried not to think on it though, smart enough to not take the rare calm for granted.

Noak pushed himself up so he was sitting next to his boyfriend. He wrapped his arm around his middle. Silas relaxed into the half embrace. Silas turned towards him and Noak tightened the hug. He crawled into his lap.

“I want to kiss you right now.” Noak whispered, running his nose up, then down the side of his boyfriend's neck.

“Then kiss me.” Silas whispered back, moving his position to look Noak in the face.

Noak leaned closer to narrow the gap between them and their lips met in a peck. There was a little zap of static electricity. They laughed, little breathy sounds and Silas cursed the blanket beneath them. Noak reached to cup the back of Silas’s head and gently pulled him close once more. Their lips pressed together and the two kissed slowly. Noak’s mouth fell open as Silas licked at the scar on his lip. He’d never had anyone do that to him prior to meeting Silas. His boyfriend did it nearly every time and Noak discovered that he really liked it. He appreciated the kisses Silas often pressed against the scars on his cheek and nose. He liked how each time he and Silas kissed it felt like their first. He liked the butterflies he felt inside his belly.

Noak moaned softly and gasped when Silas nipped his tongue. Silas shifted and placed his hands on Noak’s hips. He then trailed his hands up and over his sides and guided the taller man backwards. Silas moved his hands up and under Noak’s coat, touching the heat of his naked skin. Noak dropped his hands from Silas and leaned further back towards the blanket, keeping himself propped up on his elbows.

The men stopped kissing and Noak watched as Silas dropped his hands from his hips and crawled to lean over him. Silas’s lips were wet with saliva and Noak couldn’t stop himself from staring. Silas’s tongue poked out and he licked his lips slowly. He pressed himself against the taller man and could feel his cock against his hip, undoubtedly hard from their kissing.

**_Ask him. You know you want to._ **

“Would it be out of line if I asked you to take your cock out for me?” Silas whispered, looking at Noak with heavy, bedroom eyes.

**_Nice. Ask to suck him off._ **

The question took the taller man by surprise. He didn't expect it, especially not while outside in the cold. Noak’s gaze shot from Silas’s lips to his green eyes.

“You can ask me.” Noak answered and did so confidently. He licked over his lips, mouth suddenly feeling very dry.

**_Do it, slut._ **

Silas looked down and put his hand on Noak’s hip. He let his gaze wander over to Noak’s crotch, his jeans did nothing to hide his erection. Silas trailed his finger along the bulge, tracing the outline of the cock beneath the denim. He eventually looked up and locked his stare on Noak’s big blue eyes.

“Can you take it out for me, Noak? Please?” Silas asked. “I want to suck on it.” He said and once again licked over his own lips.

Silas palmed Noak’s bulge through his jeans. Noak felt as his stomach clenched and he found himself nodding his head.

“Fuck.” He whimpered at the touch. “Ja, okay. Dis is happening.” He said quietly.

Silas chuckled quietly.

Noak brushed Silas’s hand away and reached for his fly. He unbuttoned the top. He slid down the zipper. It took seconds but to him it felt like ages.

“C’mon. I wanna see it.” Silas whispered, excitedly.

He was petting over Noak’s clothed thighs and watched as Noak worked the edge of his boxer shorts down to pull out his cock, leaving the rest of himself shielded from the chill in the air. Silas was staring. His lower lip was trembling in anticipation.

“Fuck, it’s big.” Silas whispered hotly, impressed with the length and thickness of it. He moaned quietly, thinking about what it would feel like in his mouth.

The sight turned Silas on. He reached out and gently stroked his fingers over the cock before closing his fist loosely around it. He gave a gentle squeeze. Silas pet over the dark amber-blonde hair at the base, neatly groomed and relatively soft. He looked up to meet Noak’s eyes, the taller man was wide eyed and his mouth agape.

“I like dirty talk.” Silas whispered as he leaned close to Noak’s ear.

Silas kissed down his neck. He pulled at the collar on his coat to expose more skin. Silas never took his hand off Noak.

“So, if you feel so inclined, please use that information.” He whispered.

Noak moaned quietly and nodded.

Silas kissed at the skin of Noak’s neck and under his chin for a little while longer. He bit him gently and lapped over the bite with his tongue. He didn’t want to leave any visible marks, not yet knowing if Noak was as into the bruising as he was. Silas released Noak’s cock and pressed his lips to his. He kissed him, wet and with tongue. His hand closed around Noak again. He traced over the shaft a couple of times before leaning back and breaking the kiss.

“Fuck, Love. I want you in my mouth.” Silas practically purred. “I want to taste you.” He whined.

Silas moaned against his lips as he felt Noak’s hand rest against his lower back, under his layered jumper and hoodie. He groaned as Noak’s fingers slipped down into his jeans to cup his bare arse. Silas looked Noak in the eyes before moving down his body further. His breath was hot against Noak’s naked skin.

Noak squeaked. He’d never really done any dirty talk but was more than willing to give it a go if Silas liked it.

“Y-you want my dick?” He whispered and the words felt foreign in his mouth. “Take it den, put your lips on it.”

“Mmm.” Silas moaned, kissing the tip. “Yeah, Love. I want to make that big dick cum.” He whined.

Silas opened his mouth and took the tip of Noak’s cock in. He licked over his foreskin before exposing the head and tonguing at it. Noak was making little gasping sounds. Silas took the head in between his lips and he sucked at it, moaning.

“Ah fuck.” Noak sighed as his head fell back, his eyes sliding shut and he felt Silas’s tongue trace the ridge just under the head. “Ah fuck.” He said again.

Silas pulled back to drool over Noak’s cock head before he dipped back down, licking over the tip and down the shaft, making sure Noak's cock was slick and wet. Silas licked up and down, teasingly slow and drew a groan from the larger man. Silas moaned at the taste of him. He pulled away to stroke it and tease his balls through his boxers.

“Fuck ja.” Noak sighed. “Fuck, put my dick back in your moud, Sweetheart.” He whispered, thinking he'd feel weird saying such but he found he really liked it.

Silas sat up and looked at Noak. He was smiling. He took off his hat and dropped it beside them. He hoped Noak would take it as a sign he wanted his hair played with.

“Sweetheart?” Silas asked fondly; Noak had never called him that before.

“Ja.” Noak whispered. “Is dat alright?” He asked and ran his fingers back through Silas’s hair.

“Mhmm. I like it.” Silas whispered and leaned back down to lick at Noak.

Noak kept his hands in Silas’s hair. He tugged at the dark strands and Silas whined. He pressed his lips to the tip of Noak's cock. He kissed it once then licked it several times. He took it back into his mouth. He moaned quietly, he loved the feel of Noak filling his mouth. He bobbed his head a bit, taking Noak a little deeper each time he went down. Silas stroked Noak’s cock, at the base up to where his lips reached. He moaned deeply before pulling back.

“Dis feels so good.” Noak sighed.

Silas smiled and licked up the underside of his boyfriend's cock in one long swipe of his tongue. He took it back into his mouth, sucking it and moaning at the taste. His moans turned to full on groaning as Noak started to leak pre-cum. Silas lapped it up, pulling back once again.

“Fuck, you taste good.” Silas whispered, rolling his eyes up to look at his boyfriend.

Silas alternated between strokes with his hand over Noak’s shaft and wet laps of his tongue against the tip.

“Pull my hair.” He whispered.

Noak did as he was asked, twisting his fingers in it and pulling hard.

“Mmm fuck.” Silas whispered against Noak’s tip before he sucked at the head again.

“Fuck Silas!” The taller man gasped. “Ah fuck.” He groaned.

Noak was starting to pant, heart racing. His hand slid from the smaller man’s hair and rested on his shoulder. He squeezed it tight as he shuddered from the sensation. Noak had never gotten a blow job this good before. Silas's tongue was working him so well, Noak was grunting and whimpering sounds he wasn't aware he could make.

Silas pulled off, keeping his hand around the shaft. He kissed the tip, licking at the foreskin and pumping his fist up and down, milking the pre-cum. He licked the tip clean. He gave his boyfriend’s cock a few more strokes. He licked his lips clean and groaned at the taste. Silas looked at his boyfriend, at the satisfied look in his eyes.

“Told you I was good at this.” Silas whispered and went down again, taking more than half his length.

“Fuck.” Noak groaned. “Fuck.” He said again.

Silas hummed around it and sat up, looking at Noak as his breaths puffed passed his reddened lips.

“Do you cum a lot?” Silas asked him, using his thumb to play with the tip.

Noak groaned in response. He didn't really know if it was a lot or not. He shrugged his shoulders.

“Will you cum in my mouth?” Silas asked, pulling Noak’s boxers further down to cup and stroke his balls.

Noak started to whimper. Silas was down again, licking and teasing his shaft.

“Ja, I'll do whatever. Noak said. “Ja- ah fuck!” He gasped.

Silas had taken one of his balls into his mouth, sucking it gently.

“Ohgoddammit.” Noak whispered, still panting.

Noak’s hand moved to the back of Silas’s head. He played with the strands of his hair and sifted his fingers through the shaggy locks. Silas moaned and let Noak's ball fall from his mouth. He licked over and gently sucked at the other before pulling back.

“Want my mouth back on your big cock?” He asked.

“Ja Sweetheart.” Noak answered quietly.

Silas licked at Noak's shaft again. Silas licked up the underside of Noak's cock extremely slowly. His tongue moved base to tip, flat against it. He narrowed his tongue and teased at the slit when he reached the head.

“Fuck.” Noak cried, gripping Silas's hair in one hand, the blanket in the other.

He was incredibly worked up. It wasn't going to be long, that much he knew. Silas took the head back into his mouth. He sucked around it. He moaned as he took Noak deeper into his mouth.

“Oh!” Noak gasped, tip of his cock hitting the back of Silas’s throat. “Silas.” He sighed. “Fuck.” He whimpered.

Noak looked down at Silas, at his lips stretched over his thick cock. His balls twitched at the sight. He tried to hold still but his hips started to rock off the blanket as Silas licked at the tip. The shorter man pulled back and flicked his eyes to meet Noak's. He climbed to straddle his knees. Silas looked at Noak with lust filled eyes.

“Keep rocking your hips Love. I can take it, I like it rough.” Silas groaned and he sounded wrecked. “You want me to take that big fucking cock all the way down?” Silas asked as he stroked his hands over Noak's denim clad thighs.

Silas shuddered at how big and muscular his boyfriend’s thighs were. He really was turned on. Noak shivered too. He nodded his head but couldn't wrap his mind around the how, it wasn't small. Noak couldn't think much more on it as his mind blanked out at the feel of Silas taking all of his cock. Silas made choking and gagging sounds but he didn't pull up. His nose was buried in Noak's pubic hair and his hand moved up to pet and tease his balls.

“Ah fuck Silas. Shit. Ah shit… shit...” Noak was babbling.

Silas pulled back and started bobbing his head. He gave his boyfriend's balls a squeeze and it wasn't long before Noak was cumming in thick, heavy spurts. Silas pulled back, swallowing what his boyfriend had to offer. There was so much it dribbled down his chin. He moaned obscenely at the taste and feel of it in his mouth.

“Mhmm, oh fuck, Noak.” Silas groaned.

He sat up, reaching to pet over Noak's middle. He smiled at Noak, licking his lips. He swiped his finger over his chin, collecting the cum before sucking the digit clean.

“Can I kiss you?” Silas asked slowly. “Or is that going to gross you out?” He added.

Noak sat up and pulled Silas in for a kiss. Noak could taste himself. He swallowed down what Silas had on his tongue. It was Noak's first time immediately kissing someone that had just blown him. He found it odd but nice. Silas pulled back.

“Let's get you cleaned up and tucked back in.” He whispered and pressed a peck to Noak's chin.

Noak nodded. He was in a sort of shocked state. He was finally processing what just happened. Noak was watching Silas as he used the sleeve of his hoodie to wipe his cock clean. Noak was going soft and was sensitive to the touch. He was still and mostly quiet. Occasionally he'd gasp if Silas happened to brush a particularly sensitive spot. Once Silas was satisfied with his clean up, he righted Noak's boxers and closed up his fly. Noak smiled at Silas with a sleepy and dazed look in his eyes.

“Did you like it?” Silas asked.

“Ja. It was good.” Noak replied, still dazed.

Silas leaned to put his lips against the other man's. They kissed a while longer, Noak's hands moved to his boyfriend's hips. Silas sighed and groaned as Noak's kisses moved down his neck. The taller man used his right hand to pull at Silas’s hoodie, jumper and the long sleeved shirt underneath. He licked at the exposed skin.

“Can you bite me?” Silas asked, breathing heavily against the side of Noak's face. “Please, just bite down.” Silas begged.

Silas’s hand moved to the back of Noak's head and guided his lips to his collarbone. Noak kissed the protruding bone, licking over it a few times before softly biting.

“Harder.” Silas whispered. “Leave a mark Noak, c’mon.” He said.

Noak bit down hard, no doubt leaving a deep set of crooked teeth marks against the pale skin. Silas moaned.

“Again.” Silas whispered. “Same spot.” He directed.

Noak bit him again, this time hard enough to just break the skin. Silas gasped and shuddered. Silas brushed his fingers back through Noak's hair and guided his boyfriend's mouth back to his own. Their lips met and Silas could taste blood. He tongued at Noak's teeth and sucked gently on his top lip. He slumped against him, breathing heavily.

“I’m sorry.” Noak said, aware of the blood in his mouth, thankfully not much.

“I’m not.” Silas said.

He took hold of Noak’s hand and moved it down between their bodies. He pressed the man’s fingers against his soft cock. Noak could feel a wet patch on Silas’s jeans. He leaned away and looked Silas in the eyes.

“Did you just cum?” Noak asked.

Silas bit his bottom lip and nodded.

The two stayed out in the field, making out long enough for three additional meteors to whiz by unnoticed. It was when Silas was getting too cold that they decided not to stay out any longer. The pair got up and gathered the blanket. They headed back to Silas’s house.


	9. Chapter 9

Silas ran out of the house for the second time that night. He’d gone out to meet Noak for their dinner date only to dash back in when he’d realized he’d left his wallet on the kitchen counter. He made sure the outside light was on and the front door was locked. He climbed back into the front seat of Noak's car, looked over at his boyfriend and smiled brightly.

“Got it.” Silas said and held up the wallet. “Sorry.” He added.

“I am not worried about it.” Noak said, reaching to give Silas’s knee a squeeze. “You know I wouldn’t have minded paying.” He said.

“I know.” Silas said.

Noak moved to start up the car. He glanced over at Silas and shifted the car to reverse so he could back down the driveway.

“Are you very hungry?” Noak asked. “Or do you have any objections to really good Italian food?” He added.

Silas shook his head no to both questions. Noak smiled.

“I like Italian food.” Silas said.

“Good, den I am taking you to a place over by me. It's phenomenal.” Noak said. “I get dere take away quite often. I'm a terrible cook.” He added with a laugh.

“Alright.” Silas said, smiling again. “I'm a good cook. Mrs Baker taught me. I think you should let me cook for you sometime.”

“I like deh sound of dat. I would really appreciate you doing dat for me Silas.” Noak said, smiling at his boyfriend. “So, what would you like to listen to for deh drive over?” He asked.

“You can pick the music. I don’t particularly care.” Silas said. “Just, if you pick metal, not too loud please.” He added.

Noak reached and turned on the radio and tuned to a rock station. He lowered the volume so the two of them could just tell it was on but the sound would not overpower conversation if one happened. As Noak got to know Silas better, one of the things he learned was that Silas preferred sitting quietly, without conversation quite often. They traveled in a comfortable quiet for over fifteen minutes before Silas spoke up.

“Can I tell you something?” He asked.

_ You better not tell him. [Silas should say nothing.] _

Noak nodded and gave Silas a quick glance before returning his eyes to the road. Silas was quiet for a bit longer before finally speaking up.

“Back when Anna asked me if I'd be interested in meeting you for coffee, I almost said no.” Silas said. “I'm really glad I changed my mind.” He added, eyes bright.

“I am glad dat you changed your mind as well. I am very glad to have met you Silas Langston.” Noak said with a grin. “Do you mind if I ask what made you change your mind?” He asked.

“Sure, but it’s a lame reason.” Silas said.

“I’ll make deh decision if it’s lame or not.” Noak said, shifting his eyes towards the shorter man.

“I changed my mind because I couldn’t think of a good enough excuse not to.” Silas said.

“Ja. Dat’s lame.” Noak said but he was smiling.

Silas blushed and got quiet again. He turned and looked out the window at the passing meadows and barren farmland. He could just make out half a dozen horses in the distance under dying sunlight. He spotted a bright light low on the horizon.

“What’s that?” Silas asked, pointing to the light. “It’s not moving so I don't think it’s a plane.” He said.

Silas let his gaze wander to Noak, studying the profile he was getting to love and appreciate.

“Dat is Venus. Second planet from deh Sun and dird brightest object in deh sky.” Noak answered.

“Can you tell me anything else about it? We haven’t really had a space lesson in a few days. Our time's been spent doing other things.” Silas said with a smirk.

“Well, den maybe we make out too much.” Noak replied.

“No such thing!” Silas said, acting offended. “I like making out.” He added and reached to rest his hand against his boyfriend's thigh.

Noak chuckled quietly and shut off the music. He kept his eyes on the road ahead but kept shifting his glance to the man next to him.

“It snows metal on Venus.” Noak said.

Silas smiled and laughed quietly. “Wow.” He whispered.

“Ja, it's crazy.” Noak said.

_ You're crazy. _

Silas frowned. He closed his eyes and took a breath. “What else?” He asked and opened his eyes, looking at his boyfriend, gently rubbing his leg.

“It’s what we refer to as an inner planet. Dat means dat it is between deh Eard and deh Sun. It has strict viewing times and it’s not out all night like Mars or Saturn.” Noak said. “We can only see it right before dawn or just after sunset, like now.” He explained.

“Why is that?” Silas asked, picking at his nails.

“Okay, so I said between us and deh Sun, so we can only see it in relation to it.” Noak said. “Does dat make sense?” He asked.

“Sort of.” Silas said.

“Do you want me to explain furder?” Noak asked.

“You don't have to.” Silas whispered.

“It is also deh hottest of deh planets, even dough Mercury is closer to deh Sun. Venus is deh planet dat suffers most from deh greenhouse effect. Deh surface temperature reaches quite high.” Noak explained.

“Hmm.” Silas responded.

The pair fell back into silence and Noak turned the radio back on.

“Can I tell you something else?” Silas asked again.

“Sure.” Noak whispered, glancing over and smiling a bit shyly.

“I really liked going down on you the other night.” Silas said, looking at Noak and watched him lick his bottom lip. “Can I do it again tonight?” he asked.

Silas watched as Noak’s cheeks went pink. Noak gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles went white.

“Ja.” Noak sighed. “I would like dat.” He said, shooting Silas a sideways glance.

Silas smiled at him.

“I really like to do it, like really like to do it.” Silas said, back to looking out the window.

Noak was watching the road but his brain was filled with only Silas. He felt his jeans getting a little tight in the crotch. He held his breath and tried to think about something that wasn't the other man’s lips wrapped around him.

“You are really good at it.” Noak said, voice tight and strained.

“Oral sex is my favorite.” Silas said, looked back at his boyfriend and gave his thigh a gentle squeeze.

Noak smiled and looked at him sideways. His eyes went back to the road.

“Oh?” Noak asked.

“Mmhmm.” Silas hummed. “I just, God, I get real into it. I love it.” He added and smiled. Silas reached up and touched Noak’s neck. He softly traced his fingers over his skin. “I really like doing it for you.” Silas whispered.

Noak slowed the car and looked over at Silas for a long time. He met his eyes before looking back to the motorway. They had to get off in three exits.

“I like when you do it too.” Noak said, starting to feel really warm.

Silas grinned. He dropped his hand from Noak’s neck. He gently touched his arm.

“Can we, um, can we hold hands?” Silas asked quietly.

Noak took a hand off the wheel and laced his fingers with the smaller man’s. They drove in a comfortable silence. Silas squeezed Noak’s hand and turned to look at him again.

“I like you a whole lot, Noak.” Silas whispered. “Even when I don't have your cock in my mouth.” He said quite bluntly.

“I like you too, Silas.” Noak said before going quiet.

“What are you thinking?” Silas asked after a minute of just looking at him. He squeezed the taller man’s fingers.

“What aren't I dinking?” Noak sighed and laughed quietly. He was starting to feel worked up and tried to distract himself. “What music do you like?” Noak asked.

“Eighties techno. New wave. Dark wave. Nineties dance music.” Silas said after a moment of thought. “I adore Annie Lennox.” Silas whispered. “God I love her so much. She's just, she's perfect. The Eurythmics put out the greatest music of all time.”

“You dink?” Noak asked.

“I'll fight you on it.” Silas teased, pulling his hand away from the taller man.

Noak laughed and reached to take his hand again. Silas let him and gave the hand a squeeze.

“I'm getting hungry.” Silas said.

“We're about twenty minutes away.” Noak said.

“I'll starve.” Silas whined.

“You won't.” Noak said and exited the motorway.

“What if I do?” Silas asked.

“You won't.” Noak said again, laughing.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Silas had spent the last two days with Noak and thought it best to take a day for himself. He had worked earlier in the day and came straight home on the train. He looked through his fridge and found some leftovers he could pop in the microwave for dinner. He cleaned up the kitchen and went to take a hot shower.

After the shower, he spent a little time reading in the living room. He was dressed up warmly and ready for bed. The thing was, he didn't feel tired.

_ You enjoy this Silas, don't you. [He needs to be reminded that he belongs alone.] _

A sound from the back door caught his attention and he put the book down on the seat next to him. He sat at full attention, listening. He heard the sound again.

“Hello?” He called out into the empty house.

_ Stupid boy. It's just the wind. _

Again, the sound echoed through the empty house.

“Who is there?” He said and tosses the blanket that was covering his lap aside.

_ It's the wind you simpleton. _ **Worthless.** _ [Silas is a stupid man.]  _ **Loser.**

He pushed himself up and got off the sofa, walking towards the kitchen. The sound had continued, getting louder as he approached the door. It was a scratching sound. He truly believed it couldn't have been the wind.

“Maybe it's an animal.” He whispered to himself.

_ Maybe you're just a stupid person. [He's paranoid.]  _ **Crazy.**

“I'm not crazy!” He shouted and pulled open the door that lead to the back garden.

There was nothing there. He reached over and flipped the switch to turn the light on and it illuminated a small area around the steps leading into the yard. Still, he saw nothing.

“Hello?” He said, just in case. He was not answered.

Shutting the door, he made sure it was locked. He clicked off the light and left the kitchen. He decided then that he was going to take a pill to help him sleep. The scratching sound began again as he made his way down the hallway towards his bathroom.

“This isn't a joke. Stop it.” He said, running his hand along the wall as he walked.

_ You're a joke. _

“Enough.” He sighed and turned to walk into the bathroom.

Silas turned on the light and spent several minutes staring at his reflection in the mirror over the sink. His hair was still damp from his shower and it flopped over his head in a mess of tangled waves. Under his eyes were dark purple bags, proof his sleep hadn't been restful in a long time. The bright green of his irises betrayed the tired look and almost made him look well rested. His neck was bruised, covered in bites that Noak had left on him at his request. Red and purple blotches peppered his pale skin, some even showing the shape of Noak's bite. He reached up and ran his fingers over the marks, a few still tender to the touch. Silas closed his eyes and pressed against the darkest bite and his body shuddered.

_ [Disgusting.] You're a disgusting whore. [Shameful sinner. He deserves Hell.] You're no good Silas. Never will be any good. [He never was.] _

“Please stop.” Silas whispered and opened his eyes. He watched the waterline of his eyes shimmering as tears prickled his lower lids.

_ You can't stop us. We can't be silenced you loser.  _ **Worthless.** _ You're no good. [He needs to accept we are all he will ever have.] _

Silas reached out and pulled open the medicine cabinet. His eyes fell on the full prescription bottle that contained the pills he willingly stopped taking. He stared at it and his fingers twitched as he reached for it.

_ Don't. They don't help you. You don't want those.  _ **Worthless.** _ Don't take them Silas. [No. He should take them. Stop him from giving into his sinful urges.] _ ‘I won't take them. I don't need them.’  _ That's right. Maybe you're not all stupid. _ **Worthless.**

Silas moved his hand to take the other bottle, one that had remained full for a long time but had recently been emptying. It was his tranquilizers and he'd been unable to sleep without them since stopping his daily dose of maintenance medication. He plucked it from the shelf and closed the cabinet. He looked at himself as he twisted off the cap.

Silas tensed, seeing a dark shadow move behind him. In a blink it was gone. His hands were shaking and when he looked down at his palm, there was a pile of the pills.

_ Do it. We dare you. _

He stared at the pills, feeling the tears roll down his cheeks.

_ Do it. Go on. You know you want to. [It's what he deserves.] _

Silas closed his eyes and sobbed out loud. He tipped his hand, dumping all the pills back into the bottle.

“No.” He said firmly through the tears. “No. Stop. I don't want that.”

_ Liar. _

“No!” Silas shouted and flung his hand towards the mirror, cracking it in the corner.

His hand hurt and his whole body was shaking. He looked down at his hand and was shocked to see he hadn't done any surface damage. The heel of his hand was throbbing and would likely end up bruised but the cracked glass left nothing, not even a scratch.

The sound of glass shattering from the other room had Silas screaming. He dropped the pill bottle into the sink and slammed the bathroom door closed. He managed to get the door locked, despite his shaking hands. Too scared to investigate, Silas climbed into the empty bathtub. He curled in on himself and listened to the racket going on elsewhere in the farmhouse.

_ Coward. You're useless Silas. [He's not worth anything. He knew this day was coming.] Can't even call for help you worthless shit. _

His heart was racing and his tears were unstoppable. He cursed under his breath. His mobile was in the living room. He truly couldn't call for help. He could only sit there, locked in the bathroom, praying that whomever or whatever was inside the house didn't find him.  The entire situation had him so worked up, he passed out. Silas slept that night in the bathtub. There was no doubt he was going to wake up with a terrible backache.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Later that week...

 

“ _ Hallå Skitstövel _ . ” Anna said with a laugh as she walked into Noak’s flat.

“Ha, funny.” Noak said very deadpan and took his sister's coat as he kissed her cheek.

“Anna, John. John, Anna.” Noak said as means to introduce his sister to his flatmate.

John looked over but didn’t get up from his place on the couch. He was busy playing video games and wouldn’t be joining the two in the kitchen. Anna waved and followed her brother into the other room.

“Oh my gods, it’s so clean in here.” Anna said. “I should tell Mama. She'll never believe me.” She added with a smile.

Noak gave his sister a light shove. The two of them were really close, the best of friends and it had been that way their whole lives. There was always banter and general pushing around. It was all in jest and play. Rare for siblings, they hardly ever got into real tiffs.

“I am the neat one Anna; it is you dat has always been a mess.” Noak said and moved over to the counter to start brewing the coffee.

“You know, you are right.” Anna said and laughed loudly. “But just this time. You know I'm almost always right.” She said and took a seat at the table. She made no attempt at helping her brother with the drinks.

“Did you bring cake?” Noak asked, turning to his sister.

“You let me in, did it look like I brought cake?” Anna sassed at him. 

“No.” Noak said.

“Well, unless you think I am about to pull it out my bum, no, we haven’t any cake.” She said.

“Wrong.” Noak said. “We have cake. I trusted my notion you’d forget so I picked one up on deh drive from work.” He explained.

“What would I be without you?” Anna asked.

“I don’t know but I’d be a happy only child widout you around.” Noak teased and walked over to the table to sit with her. “So, dank you for actually showing up today. My delicate feelings get hurt when you’re too busy to spend time wid me.” He added, jokingly.

“Shut your mouth.” Anna said. “You know I am never too busy to see you.” She added.

“You lie so easily.” Noak said. “You've been so busy lately.”

“I know. I know you know I enjoy your company but I am an important person and have many responsibilities now.” Anna said.

“I will say dis dough,” Noak started. “your too busy for me lifestyle really helped me out.” He said.

Anna looked at her brother with confusion. When she saw him smile, something clicked in her brain.

“Silas.” She whispered and smiled after a pause.

“Ja.” Noak said and turned to get the coffee.

“How is he?” Anna asked as she hadn't been in the office since his return to work.

“He's good.” Noak said and carried the mugs to the table.

He set them down and turned to fetch the milk and cake from the refrigerator.

“How was your date the other night?” Anna asked, sipping her coffee.

“Deh date was very nice.” Noak answered, pouring the milk into his mug. “I enjoy his company a lot.” He said.

He set the container down and took a seat. He looked at his sister and was smiling.

“I have to get someding off my chest dough.” He said suddenly.

“Go for it.” Anna said.

Noak took a breath.

“I dink I'm in love wid him.” He said. “I have dought so for some time now.”

Anna was quiet for a long moment. Noak took it as disapproval. He leaned back in his chair, stretching.

“I know, crazy.” He said.

“No. It’s not.” Anna said. “Early? Yes. Not crazy.” She added.

“I don’t know exactly what it is, Anna. He just makes me really happy.” Noak sighed.

“You haven’t told him, have you?” Anna asked.

“It is too soon. I do not want to tell him but I am being serious Anna, I am hooked.” Noak said.

Anna was happy for her brother. She smiled. She dropped the smile and her eyes went wide.

“Wait, did you fuck him?” She asked.

“No!” Noak said quite loudly. “Definitely no, not dat I would tell you such a ding if and when I did but no.” Noak said, flustered.

Anna was laughing.

“Stop dat. We didn't have sex.” Noak whispered.

“I live to make you uncomfortable, Brother.” She said.

“We have kissed, a lot.” Noak said after a moment, leaving off the details about the blowjob under the stars and the two after their dinner date. “He's just incredibly sweet and funny and I know it's early but I love him, Anna.” He sighed.

“Did you love him before or after the kissing?” She teased, just pushing buttons. Anna was happy for her brother.

“Stop being a shit.” He said and took a sip of coffee. “Cake?” He asked.

Anna laughed and nodded her head. She watched as Noak cut and served up two pieces of cake on plates he'd taken out before she showed up. She thanked him as he passed her a fork.

“Do you think he loves you back?” Anna questioned.

Noak sighed and shook his head.

“I don't know. He said someding to me quite early on. He told me he's bad wid emotions.” Noak said.

“What does that even mean?” Anna asked, stabbing her fork into the cake.

“Beats me.” Noak answered. “He's told me many times how much he likes me.” He said.

“Is liking you enough?” Anna said and put a forkful of cake into her mouth.

“For now.” Noak replied.

They ate their cake in amicable silence. Anna finished off her coffee and went to pour herself more. She stayed up at the counter and turned to her brother.

“Can I ask you a question?” She said, leaning back against the counter.

“No.” Noak said with a laugh.

“Don't you think he's a bit weird?” Anna asked anyway.

“He is, but I like dat about him.” Noak replied.

“I do too. I like him, not like you do obviously, but he's so awkward, no? There is something there I'm just not grasping.” She said.

“Well, maybe you need to know him better.” Noak sighed.

“Maybe I should.” Anna said. “Let's go out one night. The three of us.” She suggested.

“Dat sounds good.” Noak said and finished his coffee.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter contains a severe psychotic episode, including a push for self harm and suicide.**

Noak's car pulled into the driveway and Silas was out the front door almost immediately. He'd been waiting for his boyfriend. He made his way quickly towards Noak's car before the taller man even had time to stop the engine. Silas was bouncing in place, finding it very hard to keep still. He waved at Noak through his window.

“Hello Love!” Silas said with a big, goofy smile when Noak opened the car door.

Noak smiled back. He climbed out of the car and shut his door. He hit the key to lock it and he wrapped his arms around the shorter man. Silas hugged Noak as he kissed his forehead and didn't want to let go. The taller man didn't seem to mind that and just held the lanky man for a little longer. Silas leaned against Noak and sighed.

“Hi Sweetheart.” Noak said. “Did you get into deh coffee?” He asked, teasing.

“Maybe.” Silas said; he did. “I'm still so fucking tired though.” He said quietly. 

Noak laughed and took a step back. He reached and ruffled Silas’s hair. He liked when he got to see Silas, even if they'd seen one another the night before.

“It’s noon! What time did you go to bed?” Noak asked.

Silas took a step back and looked up at his boyfriend. He shrugged.

“Ten-ish. Not long after you left for the night.” Silas answered. “But didn't fall asleep until after two.” He added.

Noak frowned but it was short lived. He brushed Silas's hair out of his eyes. He locked his gaze on his. Silas did look exhausted.

“Well did you sleep well after dat?” Noak questioned. 

“Not really.” Silas mumbled.

“Did you not want to go today?” Noak asked, doing a good job of masking disappointment in his tone. He'd been really looking forward to their plans of hiking then dinner. They made them a week earlier.

“No, I'll go. I said I would.” Silas said quietly and smiled up at Noak. “Though fair warning you might end up carrying me on the trek back.” He added with a laugh.

“I will carry you if I must.” Noak said with a smile.

“Piggy back style all the way.” Silas sang and spun in a circle.

Noak looked at Silas, amused with how amazingly weird the man was. He also noted how he didn’t look quite ready to leave for the hike. Noak said nothing about it as he was hoping to leave by one and there was still plenty of time. Silas was dressed in his usual dark wash skinny jeans and was wearing one of Noak's football hoodies that was much too big on him. His green and blue striped socks were on display as he'd run outside without his shoes.

“It's a nice day for November, don't you think?” Silas whispered, looking out at the town in the distance. “Hope it holds up.” He commented softly and turned to face his boyfriend.

“Hmm.” Noak said in agreement. “Dis is deh UK, so who knows.” He said with a laugh.

“You're so fucking right about that.” Silas said, suddenly loud again.

Silas moved closer to the other man again and poked Noak's side a few times. He started to dance in place and kept repeating the word coffee with every poke. Noak just shook his head and laughed.

“I made coffee, want a cup before we go?” Silas asked and turned towards the house before Noak answered.

“Ja, I’d love dat.” Noak said. “None for you dough.” He called after the shorter man.

“Don't tell me how to live my life!” Silas called from the front door. He was laughing and bouncing in place.

Silas knew that Noak would always take coffee, which is why he'd made a pot earlier that day. He also knew he probably shouldn't have had the three cups before Noak got there. Silas waved at Noak again. The taller man sighed, laughed and followed his boyfriend back into the house. 

“Coffee is in the kitchen. Pour yourself a mug. I want to put a different shirt on and find my trainers.” Silas said, speaking quickly.

He pushed up onto his tiptoes to kiss Noak's lips before he excused himself and bounced down the hall to his bedroom.

Noak took off his coat and hung it over Silas’s on the hook. He thought he heard Silas talking to himself and assumed it was because of the extra caffeine. He moved into the kitchen and fixed a cup of coffee for himself. He made a cup of tea for Silas. When he went to add milk, he noted Silas was running low. They both took their drinks light but Noak sacrificed his own preference to make sure Silas’s was light enough. He set the empty carton on the counter and thought to stop for some on the way home. He reached for the sugar and poured a good amount into the other man’s cup. His mood was good to begin with but the excess energy from Silas was rubbing off.

Silas came into the kitchen with an assorted pile of things in his arms, still muttering to himself. Some of what he'd been holding was clothes but he had a few other items mixed in. He dropped it all onto the table and spent a minute picking through it. He moved his trainers to the side and a book fell to the floor. He turned to look at Noak empty handed. He was shirtless and his chest was littered with bite marks and deep bruises. He gave his boyfriend a smile.

“ _ Vacker _ .” Noak whispered.

“You stop that.” Silas giggled and blushed at the word.

Silas turned away and dug through the pile again and pulled out a long sleeved t-shirt, black and green striped. He turned and put it on and Noak watched as it covered the scratches down Silas's back.

“Damn Silas.” Noak said, speaking over the rim of his mug. “Did I really do all of dat last night?” He asked and lowered the mug.

Silas turned back to Noak with a dreamy look in his eyes. He smiled.

_ Disgusting habit Silas.  _ **_You wanna do it again, don't you, you naughty boy._ **

“Wasn't anyone else Love. It's okay though, I liked it.” Silas said with a smirk. “Can I trouble you to make me a tea?” He asked.

Grinning, Noak picked up the second mug from the counter next to him. He held it out. “Already done, Sweetheart.” Noak said with a wink.

Silas’s eyes went wide and he smiled brightly. He rushed over and took the mug, drinking some right away. “You're the best!” Silas exclaimed loudly then giggled.

Silas was often giggling around his boyfriend and he loved that Noak could make him laugh. It had been a long time since Silas was happy enough to laugh that much.

_ Stop laughing, you're disgusting. _

“I figured dat if I made deh tea you'd stop drinking deh coffee.” Noak explained.

Silas smiled and stuck his tongue out at him. He took another sip and glanced at the counter, seeing the empty milk carton.

“I need to stop for milk later, if you don't mind.” He said.

“Don't mind at all.” Noak said with a grin. “I dought about stopping before you said anyding.”

“Are you coming back here after dinner?” Silas asked. “To stay I mean. Not just to drop me off.” He added.

**_Ask him to fuck._ ** _ ‘No. Stop.’ _

Noak nodded. He picked up his coffee and drank more. He was going to walk closer to Silas but it was the shorter man that stepped up and closed the space.

“Good.” Silas said.

“I will spend deh night if you are up for deh company.” Noak said with a laugh.

“I’d like that very much.” Silas said with a nod and grin.

**_Ask him to fuck you now._ ** _ Disgusting. _

“Stop that.” Silas whispered.

He brought his tea to his lips. He drained the mug and held onto it. Noak looked at Silas through squinted eyes. The shorter man was smirking deviously.

“Hmm? What have you got planned, Silas Langston?” Noak questioned.

Silas shook his head. “Who says I've got anything planned?” He asked and stepped even closer to Noak. He set his mug down on the counter and looked up at his boyfriend with wide eyes.

“Dat look on your face. You get it when you are up to someding.” Noak said. He was pointing vaguely towards Silas’s face. “You get dese sort of wide eyes and little smirk when you're plotting.”

Silas licked his lips slowly and his grin faded. “I really want you to spend the night.” He whispered. “I like it when you do.” He added.

_ You disgust us.  _ **_You like getting off, not his company._ ** _ You'll burn for your sins. _

“I like spending deh night wid you.” Noak said with a smile.

**_You like getting him off._ ** ‘Jez, stop it.’

“Can I blow you tonight?” Silas blurted out. “I've been thinking about the last time; how badly I want to do it again.” He said quietly and ran his index finger down the front of Noak’s shirt.

“Don't you dink dis is unfair, Silas?” Noak whined.

Silas laughed, the sound low and deep. Noak wasn't laughing but had a hint of amusement in his blue eyes.

“Unfair, how?” Silas asked and set both his hands on Noak's hips. He gave them a squeeze. “Don't you enjoy it?” He whispered.

Silas dropped his gaze for the briefest of moments but he was looking into Noak’s eyes again as the taller man opened his mouth to reply.

“Well, ja, but what about you? You never let me touch you like dat. You do all dese wonderful dings for me, why not let me do someding for you?” Noak said.

“I like doing it for you.” Silas whispered, pushing up onto his toes to reach Noak's neck with his lips. “It's fun for me too.” He mumbled against his throat.

Noak moaned quietly as Silas kissed the side of his neck and gently bit him.

“Let me do it now.” Silas whispered, settling back and looking at his boyfriend. “Please Love.”

Noak was quiet for a moment. He thought about the time and how they'd never leave by one.

“Well now I'd have to say yes.” Noak replied with a little whine.

Silas smiled big and wide.

_ You're disgusting _ **_. Needy slut._ ** _ Disgusting whore. _

“Well, I'm pleased you'll say yes, but you don't have to.” Silas said, adamant about it. “I don't ever want to make you do anything you don't want to do. I'm horny but I take consent very seriously.” He said, looking at his boyfriend's face.

“I am going to be dinking about it while we are out hiking.” Noak said purposely playing up the drama of the situation.

“Then we could do it now, Love. I'll let you fuck my throat until you cum.” Silas whispered, pressing his slight frame against the taller man. “Would you like that? Would you enjoy being rough with me?” Silas asked playfully and pushed up on his toes again to kiss him.

**_You're an animal. I like where this is going._ ** _ [He's disgusting. So are you.]  _ **_You lie, he's perfect._ ** _ Silas, we're disappointed in you.  _ **Disgusting.** _ You'll burn and rot in hell, you whore. _

Silas whimpered quietly, letting his lips barely brush over the other man’s. Noak held his breath a moment and closed his eyes. He noted a little hesitation from his boyfriend but then kissed back as Silas proceeded with much enthusiasm. Leaning away, he looked at Silas and exhaled through his nose. He sighed as Silas reached out to touch chest. He thought about the hike but any words about it died on his lips as the smaller man’s fingers traced down his front.

“Well, ja Sweetheart.” Noak said quietly. “If dat’s what you like.” He said.

“You know it's what I like, Love.” Silas said, leaning back slightly.

_ Disgusting, damaged whore. You'll burn for your sins. _

Noak watched his boyfriend bouncing on the balls of his feet again, amped up. Silas rocked himself forward and took hold of Noak’s wrists. He held them as he looked into his eyes. Silas kept his hands on the taller man and closed the small gap between himself and Noak once more. He moved his hands up to Noak's shoulders and pulled him down for another kiss. Noak struggled to get his mug down on the counter behind him. When he did, he kissed Silas back and held tightly to his waist.

“Living room.” Silas whispered against his boyfriend’s lips and stepped backwards. “Now.” He said, biting his own bottom lip.

Noak let himself be pulled out of the kitchen. The two moved through the hallway and into the living room. Silas maneuvered Noak to the sofa and pushed him down. He crawled into Noak’s lap and they kissed for a bit longer. Noak was running his hands up and down Silas’s back and Silas kept his hands firmly on the other man’s hips. Silas saw something move in his peripheral vision, a darkness spreading from the corner of the room. He whimpered into Noak's mouth and tried to ignore it.

“Can we do this again, tonight?” Silas whispered, kissing down Noak’s neck.

“Hmm, please.” Noak sighed as he leaned back against the arm of the sofa and moved his fingers through Silas’s hair as the smaller man worked his fly open.

Silas sat back and licked his lips. “I'll let you see me naked.” He whispered.

Noak smiled in response. “If dat’s what you want, no complaints from me. Don't dink my comment earlier was to rush you.” He said.

“No Love, I know that. I want it.” Silas said. “It's about time you see my tats.” He whispered lightly.

Noak huffed a laugh and leaned to press a kiss to Silas's forehead. Silas smiled at the kiss but it was short lived. The darkness was spreading and got harder to ignore. Silas looked at the wall behind them and saw it looking back. He quickly averted his gaze and focused all his attention to what he was doing.

“Sweetheart, you’re so eager.” Noak whispered.

“For you? Always.” Silas said with a flick of his eyes and bite to his lip. “Get used to it.” He said.

With the button open, Silas pulled down the zipper. He kept his eyes on Noak’s. The taller man’s breath caught as Silas tugged his jeans down to mid thigh, his boxers left in place. Noak slipped his boots off and they thunked to the floor. He slid his jeans further down and kicked them off. He shifted his position in the process. He sat with one leg bent, foot flat on the floor. His other stretched along the back of the sofa.

Silas was looking at the wall again, the shadow taking a shapeless form. Silas knelt between Noak’s legs and watched quietly, scared as the form got bigger. Noak was looking at Silas and noticed he seemed distant.

“You alright?” Noak asked, reaching up to cup his boyfriend's cheek.

Silas hummed in reply. It was a noncommittal sound. He looked at Noak and smiled. Noak was well aware the smile didn't reach his eyes. He said nothing as Silas smoothed his hands up and down his body. Silas stopped and laughed a bit strangely.

“What is on your pants?” Silas asked, voice flat.

Noak looked at Silas with a quirked eyebrow. He was wearing a pair of  _ Star Wars _ boxers. They were black and had a repeated print of R2-D2 on them. Silas stared at him blankly.

“R2.” Noak whispered. “ _ Star Wars _ ?” He said when he saw no change in his boyfriend’s expression.

_ He's judging you. Only God can judge you. Lose him.  _ **_Take them off. Fuck this guy._ ** _ Not in the literal sense, you whore.  _ **Disgusting.** _ He's more than you shite-arse loser deserves. He's bad for you Silas.  _ **_Ignore them. You know you want him._ **

Silas continued to stare blankly at his boyfriend. Noak reached up and rubbed circles against Silas’s cheek with his thumb. He noticed the change in the way Silas was looking at him. Silas looked hurt and confused. It made Noak uncomfortable but he pushed the feeling aside. He smiled softly at the smaller man.

“You haven’t seen  _ Star Wars _ ?” Noak asked.

“Never heard of it.” Silas said, speaking in monotone.

Noak was in a state of disbelief. He thought Silas was joking with his deadpan delivery and laughed quietly.

“Very funny Sweetheart. I can buy dat you’ve never seen it but you cannot be serious not hearing of it.” Noak said, lightly teasing.

“I have not heard of it.” Silas snapped when he looked back at Noak.

Noak tensed at the snap. It seemed uncharacteristic of his boyfriend, but the second time in under a month that he'd done so.

_ You're worthless Silas. He hates you.  _ **_Just get what you want and send him away._ ** _ [Noak hates Silas.] You're no good. [We hate Silas.]  _ **_Use him like you want to be used._ **

Silas started absently stroking Noak through the boxers. He took his hand off Noak suddenly and looked away. He stared off at the ceiling as something caught his attention again.

_ You're no good. Disgusting whore.  _ **[Better off dead.]**

Silas sat back, whimpering at the sound of a voice that hadn't said anything in months. It was the only voice that was more than a nuisance. It was a voice that scared him.

“Silas?” Noak said.

“Silas.” Silas repeated.

Noak looked at his boyfriend strangely.

“Are you okay? Is the caffeine wearing off? Did you have too much?” He whispered, at a loss over Silas's strange behaviour.

“Can we just do this now?” He asked, still speaking monotone and sounding disinterested.

Silas’s eyes flicked to the ceiling for a second more. Fear crossed his face but faded quickly. He dropped his eyes back to Noak’s boxers and he licked over his lips. Silas ran his hands over Noak’s thighs. He looked up at Noak's face and smiled. He seemed to snap out of whatever mood had struck him. Noak answered with a slow nod. Silas watched his boyfriend's face as he pulled his boxers down. He gave his cock a couple of strokes. Silas bit his lip and whimpered, watching as Noak’s eyes slid closed.

‘I should ask him to touch himself for me tonight.’  **_Damn right you should._ ** _ You should ask him to leave. [Silas is no good. Disgusting.]  _ **_Fuck him._ ** _ [Disgusting. Ugly. No good Silas, no good.]  _ **Worthless. [Kill yourself you useless little shit.]**

Silas shivered and bit his bottom lip. He silently prayed the voices would stop. He needed them to stop. His eyes started to tear up but he didn't notice. Silas moved his body back up the other man’s. He pressed his lips to Noak's and kissed him as he worked his hand with a steady rhythm to make him hard. Noak moaned quietly into the kisses. His hands settled up high on Silas's neck. He cradled his head as they kissed. He played with his hair. Noak whined when Silas's hand left his cock. He closed it lightly over Noak’s balls. Noak groaned out loud. Silas kissed over Noak's chin and down his throat. He pushed his shirt up to press kisses along Noak’s soft belly. He kissed one of his hips. Noak gasped and moaned softly as Silas reached for his cock again. The smaller man wrapped his fingers around it and jerked him off slowly. The taller man was relaxed and looked quite content. He glanced down at Silas with heavy eyes.

“Feels good Sweetheart.” Noak whispered and moaned through a smile.

Noak twisted his fingers in Silas’s hair as the smaller man dipped his head to kiss the tip. He shivered when Silas took the head between his lips and tongued at it. He cursed in Swedish as Silas traced circles over Noak's balls with two fingers. Noak sighed heavily and his head fell back against the cushions.

“Fuck Sweetheart.” Noak sighed and whimpered quietly when Silas flicked his tongue. He felt his body shudder.

Silas pulled off Noak with a pop and licked his lips a few times. He looked up and into Noak's eyes. He gave him a smile before dipping down again, tonguing the shaft.

“Ugh, you're so good at dis Sweetheart.” Noak whined and gripped one of Silas’s shoulders. He shuddered as Silas moaned around him.

**_Good boy, perfect little slut._** _[Silas will make him leave. He hates Silas.]_ _You're a worthless shit._ **Worthless.** _No good Silas. You'll burn for your sins. You'll burn in hell. Disgusting whore._

Silas pulled off to breathe. He closed his eyes in another attempt to stop the voices. Silas palmed his own cock through his jeans and groaned. He cursed in frustration because he wasn't hard. He'd been off his meds long enough he thought he should be.

_ Enough Silas.  _ **Worthless.** _ Lose him. _

Noak looked at Silas and the smaller man was looking at the ceiling again. He seemed spaced out. Silas saw a part of the ceiling grow teeth. He looked away as it started to grow a nose. He whimpered. He wouldn't look at his boyfriend.

**_You're a slut, Silas. I like it._ ** _ A disgusting slut.  _ **Disgusting.** _ [Silas will burn for this. Disgusting Silas.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You'll burn for all of it. _

“Stop.” Silas whispered, barely audible.

“Hey.” Noak whispered softly, concerned.

He cupped Silas’s cheek and turned his head to meet his eyes. Silas’s eyes were glassy and he didn't seem present. Silas looked at him and laughed. It was an empty sound.

“Sweetheart?” Noak said.

“Sorry.” Silas hiccupped and wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

**[Worthless piece of shit.]** _ Like hell you're sorry.  _ **Worthless.** _ So is he. He'll never love you. You'll never be loved.  _ **Disgusting.** ‘Stop it. Leave me alone.’  **[You stop it. Die already.]**

Silas started sobbing. Noak went blurry in his tear addled vision. He stopped and forced a laugh. He wiped at his eyes. His face held no expression.

Noak looked at Silas and felt uncomfortable again. Something seemed off about his boyfriend. Silas said nothing else. He moved to take Noak's cock into his mouth again but Noak put his hand on Silas’s shoulder to stop him.

“Wait, stop.” Noak said. “Are you okay?” He asked.

Silas nodded yes.

“No.” He said, contradicting himself.

“Silas?” Noak said. 

Silas sat there, spaced out.

**Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.** _ How dare you? You're going to burn. _ **Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.** _ [How could Silas do this? Disgusting.]  _ **[Kill yourself.]** _ [Dirty slut.]  _ **Worthless. Worthless.**

“Stop it!” Silas shouted. 

“Silas?” Noak said again and touched Silas’s shoulder.

Silas shrugged away the touch. He looked past Noak, spaced out again. It was quick. He’d snapped out of it only to close his eyes and start crying again. Noak moved away but never took his eyes off him. 

“Sweetheart? What's wrong?” Noak whispered. “Silas, are you okay?” He asked.

The smaller man opened his eyes but not for Noak. He fixed his gaze on the ceiling. A pair of eyes, one not human, joined the nose and smiling row of random teeth that appeared.

“Go away!” Silas sobbed and closed his eyes tightly.

**Worthless.** _How dare you? How could you?_ **[Kill yourself. Disgusting. You should just be dead.]** _You shit. No one would miss you._ _No one. [Silas, what a loser. He is this loser. He's a loser.] You're a loser. You deserve no one. No one. No one would miss you. No one._ **[You should just be dead.] Dead.** _[Silas deserves no one. No one would miss him. No one. No one. No one. No one. Who cares? Silas is no one.]_ **Worthless. Worthless.**

“Stop talking. Stop it, please stop.” Silas cried.

Silas scrambled to the other side of the sofa and put as much distance between himself and Noak as he could. Silas had his back to the taller man. He put his hands on the side of his head, cupping his ears. He sobbed out loud and opened his eyes.

Noak sat there at a complete loss as to what was going on; something clearly wasn't right. The mood shifted. The moment passed. He didn't blame Silas. The whole situation had come to a halt. Neither was into it. It started to feel awkward.   

“Stop.” Silas cried. “Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.” He repeated, twisting his fingers in his hair before letting go and smacking the side of his head repeatedly.

_How could you?_ **Worthless.** _How could you?_ **Worthless.** _[He's a dirty slut.]_ **Worthless. [You should just be dead.]** _No one would miss you._ _No one. [Not this loser.]_ **Loser.** **Worthless. Worthless.** _[No one would miss Silas. Slut. No one.]_

Noak reached out to stop Silas from hitting himself. Silas looked over and screamed at him. Taken back, Noak let go of his arm. He had no intention of leaving but he started to get dressed again. Once his boxers and jeans were back in place, he sat and watched Silas sob and cry. He wanted to know what happened. All he could make out was that he had some sort of fit. Maybe something upset him. He'd known Silas to be odd but even this wasn't usual for him. This was not odd, this was something wrong. Noak didn't panic but felt tense.

**[Die already.]** _ Silas you're worthless. [No one would miss him.]  _ **[Hurt yourself.]**

Silas twisted his fingers tightly in his hair and pulled at the strands. He cried, sobs getting louder. He didn't hear Noak say his name, not the first time nor the fifth. Noak went quiet and he put his boots back on.

_ You can pay for what you've done. [Lose the loser. Destroy Silas.] _ **Worthless.** _ Break his heart, he'll only break yours. _ **[** **_Kill yourself.]_ ** _ Pay for what you did. [How could Silas? How could he? Slut!] _

“Silas?” Noak tried again, desperate to get something from him. 

Noak stood up and moved closer to his boyfriend. He touched his shoulder and whispered his name. 

_ Break his heart. _ **[Kill yourself.]**

“Don't TOUCH ME!” Silas shouted, turning to look at Noak. Silas spit when he shouted and his eyes were glassy and unfocused.

Noak stumbled back a bit. He looked at Silas and his mind was blank; he had nothing. He sat back down, frozen in fear. He coughed to hide a sob. He couldn't hide the tears that spilled down his cheeks. Silas was staring at the ceiling corner again. He had a confused expression on his face. Noak looked over but only saw the ceiling.

**[Kill yourself.]** _ [Lose him. Lose Silas. Lose him. Loser.]  _ **Loser.**

Silas stood up suddenly. He looked past Noak rather than at him. He had no idea that Noak was crying as well.

“Y-y-you. You. H-have t-to go.” Silas stuttered.

Noak sat there too afraid to move or say anything. He wanted to know why Silas was asking him to leave. A quiet sob passed over his lips.

_ You must pay!  _ **[Hurt yourself. Kill yourself.]** _ [Silas, he's worthless.] You're worthless. Lose the guy. He hates you. You're disgusting and worthless.  _ **[Bleed.]**

“They don't want you here.” Silas whispered towards the floor, voice rigid and monotonal once more. “You need to leave. I have-” He mumbled.

_ Silas, you'll burn in Hell. _

“No STOP!” He shouted at the wall.

_ Ditch the loser you simpleton.  _ **[Kill yourself.]** _ Lose him.  _ **[Kill yourself.]**

Silas looked up towards the corner of the room. He stared at a shifting dark shape, different than the first. He pulled his hair again and tore some out. He cursed at the pain.

_ Get rid of him Silas. [He's no good Silas.]  _ **[Hurt yourself. Bleed.]** _ No good. You're no good. _

Noak hadn't moved. He was scared and confused. Silas was looking over his boyfriend's head, mumbling words that Noak tried to listen too but most were too jumbled together to make any sense to him.

“I had angels.” Silas whispered clearly. “My angels left me.” He said with a sob.

Noak looked at Silas. “What do you mean?” He asked, confused by the words. “Silas, are you drunk?” He hated to ask.

_You're no good._ **[Go to hell.]** _Waste of space you are. Lose him._ **[Kill yourself.]**

“No!” Silas shouted, stumbling back and losing his footing. He fell to the floor.

Noak stood immediately and went to help him up.

“Get away!” Silas screamed, reaching for his own ankle, that twisted on the way down.

“Silas, what's going on? You're scaring me.” Noak said, voice wavering.

“You fucking left me.” Silas spat, gazing up at the wall behind his boyfriend. “Sent demons in your place. Fuck you!” He snapped. “Gone. They're gone.” He muttered.

Silas choked out a sob and climbed back to his feet. He kept his eyes on the shadow, taking up a large portion of the ceiling. He saw several eyes staring back at him. He felt judged and afraid.

**Worthless.** _ You'll burn. No one will miss you. [He's good as dead.]  _ **Worthless.**

“Fuck you.” He mumbled, pointing at the shadow. “You did this.” He muttered.

Silas dropped his head to look right at his boyfriend. He felt like a cold hand touched the back of his neck and squeezed. He coughed and felt a wave of nausea.

**[DIE!]** _[Silas will mock him.] Silas, you'll burn. [Mock him.]_ **[Kill yourself.]** _Lose the loser._

Silas looked at Noak. He sobbed the word sorry, his tone had changed. His voice went soft and nasal.

“Dey don't like you.” Silas whispered. “Dey hurt me, I hurt me. Dey don't want you here. Dey don't like your funny talk.” Silas said, mimicking Noak's speech impediment.

Noak suddenly felt nauseous. A flicker of anger was quick to follow the nausea.

“Y-you know what? Fuck you!” Noak said voice laced with pain and anger. “Fuck you Silas. We’re done here.” He said.

Noak turned away and left before he did something he'd regret. He wanted to punch Silas. He could put up with a lot but not that. He grabbed his coat off the hook and left the house, slamming the door behind him.

**Worthless.** _ You worthless shit.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Lonely forever.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You have us.  _ **Worthless.** _ You worthless shit.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Lonely forever.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You have us.  _ **Worthless.** _ You worthless shit.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Lonely forever.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You have us. _

Silas collapsed against the sofa and screamed into the throw pillows. He heard the front door slam and it sounded miles away.

**[Kill yourself.]**

Silas screamed again. He took the smaller of the two pillows and hurled it across the room. It knocked over two crystal cat statues, both broke. He lay there crying for another twenty minutes. The voices didn't stop.

_ Worthless baby. [Worthless scum.] Worthless garbage. [Worthless loser.] Worthless shit. [Worthless piece of wasted space.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You're a fuck up. You. Are. An. A-Class fuck up.  _ **[JUST KILL YOURSELF!]** _ Worthless human. Unwanted. Scum. You should have died. You're a fuck up, Silas. A fuck up. Can't do anything right. You're a fuck up. _ **[Make yourself bleed you son of a bitch.]**

Silas sat up and started rocking himself side to side. He closed his eyes. He tried to clear his mind but he couldn’t. He scratched at his arm. His sharp nails tore up the skin. The cool air burned the raw skin, it was puffed and red. Tiny bits of blood beaded along the surface. Silas looked at the damage and sighed. He was angry at himself. His ankle was throbbing.

**[Kill yourself.]**

“Stop it!” Silas screamed.

He felt nauseous. Silas got up and ran towards the toilet. He got sick all over the floor. He fell to his knees and started dry heaving.

**[Do it. Kill yourself Silas.]**

Silas screamed as he started getting a severe migraine. He lay himself down against the tiles, right in his pile of sick. The voices lessened as his body relaxed. His sobs became quieter. Silas cried himself to sleep.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Silas was out for nearly three hours. He woke up and gagged at the smell. He sat up, horrified to find himself lying in a pile of sick. He didn't immediately recall the afternoon's episode. He didn't know how long he'd been sleeping. His head throbbed, behind both his eyes.

“Noak?” He called out, voice was low and he doubted Noak could have heard him. “Noak?” He said again.

He ran his hands over his face. A wave of nausea passed over him. He looked at his arm, seeing dried drips of blood covering the scraped up skin. He closed his eyes and he saw Noak crying.

“Oh fuck.” He said; he remembered. “Fuck.”

_ Fucked up this time. [Silas deserves to feel alone.] All alone. [He is no good.] _

Noak was gone and it was his fault. He started to cry. Silas sobbed out loud, over and over again. Tears wouldn't fall. He turned his head up and opened his eyes again.

“What have I done?” Silas asked the ceiling; it smiled in response. “Fuck you.” Silas said to it.

_ There's no fixing this Silas.  _ **[Kill yourself.]** _ Noak isn't coming back. [Silas deserves a life alone.]  _ **[He doesn't deserve life. He's better off dead.]** _ Leave him alone. He's upset. [Silas failed.] You always fail. _

Eventually the voices quieted down and Silas climbed to his feet. He cursed when he felt a twinge in his ankle. He shook it off and stripped out of his dirty clothes. He looked down and saw it looked swollen. He made a mental note to ice it.

_ Don't bother. _

Silas turned on the shower. He stood there waiting for the water to heat. He felt a chill but it was different from the usual cold he felt. Without turning around he reached for a towel. He pulled it from the bar and wrapped it around his hips. He sensed there was someone behind him, someone that wasn’t there before.

“What are you doing here?” Silas asked, not turning around.

“Surprised?” The someone asked.

Silas closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them again he turned slowly towards the person standing behind him.

“How did you find me?” He asked.

Standing at the toilet door was a woman. Her name was Luci. She was dressed in a short fitted skirt and a cut up t-shirt. Her legs were covered in hole ridden stockings and she had no shoes on her feet. Her hair was neat, tied up in a bun atop her head. He face was clean and done up with makeup, smoky eyes and purple lipstick.

“I've always known where you were.” She answered and stepped into the room.

“Well I don't want you here. Get out.” Silas said.

Luci made a quiet tsk sound. She took another step closer to Silas.

“That's no way to treat an old friend.” Luci said. “Not even a hello?” She asked. “I'm a bit hurt.” She added.

“You're not my friend.” Silas said, feeling anger rising in his chest.

“You're wrong you know.” Luci said. “Looking good, might I add. You clean up nicely.” She said.

“Get out of my house.” Silas said. “You're not welcome here, not at all. You've done enough. I don't ever want to see you again.” He said.

Luci frowned but laughed. She took another step closer.

“Oh my dear Silas.” She whispered. “I've only come to apologize.” She said with a smile.

“And I'm not going to accept it.” Silas said firmly. “Now get out.” He demanded.

Luci shook her head, like she disapproved of his dismissal.

“I'll go but this isn't the last you'll see of me. I will be back.” She said and stepped backwards out the door. “Send my love to the new boy, he's cute you know. Keep him.” She added.

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Silas lied.

“The man with you at the coffee shop.” Luci said. “I think he's cute. I'm positive you do too.” She added with a smile.

“You leave him alone. Leave me alone.” Silas said.

“Keep him around Silas.” Luci said and turned to leave, but stopped and turned back. She glanced down at Silas’s hips before looking up to meet his eyes. “Keep this between us, won't you? You wouldn't like to see the consequences of telling anyone I’ve been here.” She whispered.

“Get out!” Silas shouted at her.

Silas was crying again. He waited until he heard the front door open and close before he rushed to lock it. He was shaking. He now had more than just fixing things with Noak to deal with. He wasn’t sure if any of it was fixable. He was feeling sick in his stomach again. He turned off the shower and headed towards his bedroom.

‘How the fuck did she find me?’


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes a push for self harm and suicide.**

Noak was seated on the edge of his bed. His mind was filled with the hurt and anger from earlier that day but he was doing the best he could to shut it out. He didn’t want to deal with any of it right then and there. He knew it was something he would have to deal with but while the wound was still fresh, he let himself think about other things. He'd shut his phone off hours earlier, ignoring every text and call Silas had made to him. It was killing him. Noak wanted nothing more than to pick up his phone and call his boyfriend back. He wanted to yell and scream and give him a piece of his mind. However, his willpower to avoid contact remained strong. Silas had said hurtful things, and it hit Noak where it hurt most.

Noak was playing an online zombie game with his flatmate John, who's console was out in the living room. Noak had opted to play on his own machine, giving him the time alone to stew in his foul mood, maybe cry again. Noak wasn’t the kind of guy who was embarrassed with crying and John was a great guy, a good friend and an excellent flatmate, Noak just didn't want to bury him in relationship drama and hurt feelings so he sat alone.

“I'm fucking out of ammo again.” John said through his headset.

“What? Again?” Noak asked.

He too was wearing a headset. He'd designed them himself. He'd picked a broken pair out of the trash at work. He fixed them up and did a  _ Star Wars  _ rebel theme. It was an easy fix and he had a lot of fun doing it.

“Yeah. Again.” John said, snappily.

“Do I sense some off mood?” Noak asked.

“From you, maybe. I'd be shooting less if you did your share. You're in looney land, Martensson.” John said. “Get your head in the game.” He added.

“Sorry.” Noak mumbled and had his character toss an ammo pack to John's.

“Let's go. I'm paying attention.” Noak said.

The two played the game for over an hour. Their conversation was minimal. They reached a decent save point. It was ten thirty.

“I am quitting tonight. I've got to be in Hell by six in the morning.” John said.

“Six? Ouch. Danks for playing. See you tomorrow.” Noak said.

“Night dude.” John said and logged off.

Noak shut off his console and television. He stood up and stretched. He thought about making himself a sandwich but bent to pick up his mobile instead. He turned it back on. He had thirty missed calls, all but two from Silas. He had several texts from Silas and the last read:

: At the train station. Please come get me? :

Noak closed his eyes and sighed heavily. Instead of texting back, Noak just called. He honestly did it to piss Silas off, he knew he preferred to text. It was petty but Noak wasn’t in the kindest of moods. Silas answered after only a few rings.

“Shit Noak. I've been calling for an hour.” Silas cried, teeth chattering.

Noak could hear he was shivering. A glance out his window told him it was raining heavily.

“What are you doing all deh way out here?” Noak asked, feeling extremely self conscious about his voice thanks to the day's events.

“I'll tell you. Just please come get me. I'm frozen.” Silas said. “Please.” He whimpered.

Noak's first thought was to say no and hang up. He was really hurt over the incident earlier. He also knew that it was quite cold outside and while angry and upset he didn't want Silas to get hurt.

“I will be d’ere in ten.” Noak sighed and hung up.

Noak put his boots back on and went to find his coat. He told himself he would get Silas; it didn't mean he had to talk to him. He'd drive to the train station, pick him up, drive to the farmhouse and drop him off. That was it.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Silas locked the door behind him. He didn’t even bother to watch as Noak backed his car out to leave. Silas felt physically cold and empty inside. He hadn’t meant anything he had said to the other man earlier in the day. The voices told him to, he cracked under the pressure and he was sorry about all of it.

The car ride had been awkward. Noak had left his music off and it made the silence between them that much louder. Silas would have preferred Noak’s loud metal music to the dead quiet between them. Silas mind was loud, cursing him and making him feel worse than he already did. Silas tried to talk to Noak but their conversation had been one sided. Silas apologized but Noak had just tuned him out. Silas offered no explanation, still too scared to mention his illness. Silas was angry that Noak didn’t accept his apology. He was thankful though that Noak had picked him up at the station, worried he would have frozen otherwise. He was hurt Noak didn't say anything at all, not even goodbye.

There was a shadow floating in the hall when he looked up. He said nothing to it as it seemed like it wasn't interested in him at the moment, not that he could ever tell if it didn't have a face. Not all the shadows he saw had faces. Silas moved quietly past it and into his kitchen.

Beginning to feel paranoid, Silas searched his house twice looking for Luci. He was relieved to find she wasn't there. He triple checked every door and window was locked to insure she couldn't get inside. He thought about making himself a mug of tea but decided not too. He was very aware that his mind was quiet and it honestly left him unnerved. He truly felt alone. His head started to ache again. He stepped into the hallway and the shadow had gone.

Desperate to get warm, Silas moved into his bathroom. He turned the tub on and waited for the water to heat before he stoppered the drain. As he watched the water slowly fill his old-style bath he entertained the idea of just letting himself drown. The thought was fleeting. He thought next about how he was going to fix things between himself and Noak. Showing up in London to apologize hadn’t gone as planned and he had to think of something else. Silas had never felt the way he did towards Noak about anyone else. The idea of losing him over something as stupid as him being crazy was too hard to think about.

‘I really must be crazy.’ _Yes, we know that._ ‘You came back?’ _We never left._ **[Kill yourself.]** _Noak's gone._ **Worthless.** _[Noak is gone for good. Silas failed.] Again._ **Worthless.** _This tampers your relationship with Anna as well._ ‘I wish you'd be quiet again.’ **Fuck-up.** _[He really is better off dead.] Pity._

Silas did his best to ignore the voices. He thought that maybe his apology should have been more sincere, not that it hadn’t been. He thought maybe he shouldn’t have acted how he did in the first place. He thought maybe he should tell Noak about his condition and how it put him into situations where he lost control like he had. Then he thought that maybe mentioning his condition would drive Noak further away. Silas sighed. He was exhausted both emotionally and physically.

_ Don't you dare tell. It’s social suicide.  _ **[Just kill yourself. Drown. End it all now.]** _ Don't you dare tell him.  _ **Worthless.** _ Silas, don’t do it.  _ **[Full tub. It’s an easy out.]**

Silas stripped off his clothes for the second time that day. He looked around, making sure Luci wasn't waiting to sneak up on him. He sighed heavily and climbed into the tub. He shut off the tap. He sat himself down and leaned back to let the hot water cover him completely. It burned but he'd always prefered it be hot; he never felt clean if it wasn't hot enough. He held his breath and closed his eyes. Silas stayed under the surface for an entire minute before he sat back up and took a deep breath. He sunk back down and just laid in the water, covered up to his chin. He sighed again. The hot water warmed his icy skin. Unfortunately it did nothing to help his mood. Silas cried again. His tears mixed with the bathwater on his cheeks. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his head. His hands started to shake.

_ You're pathetic. _

He thought about the decision he had made to stop taking his medication. He’d gone several days with nothing at all in his system to battle the symptoms of his schizophrenia and until that day, Silas hadn't noticed any changes in his behavior. Well, he was pretty aware of the incident where nothing happened in reality but he woke up in the bathtub, but he didn't count that because he hadn't torn apart his boyfriend's heart. Silas did have trouble sleeping but he went through phases like that even when he was on his medication. He didn't want to count that either.

Silas opened his eyes and took a breath. The shadow figure was back and he tried to look away from it. He unconsciously counted the tiles in the ceiling to distract himself. The shadow shifted and Silas let his eyes follow it.

**Worthless.** _[Those pills don't work anyway.]_ ‘There are ten tiles.’ **Worthless.**

“They do work.” Silas whispered. “Maybe I should start taking them again.”

**[Maybe you should just kill yourself.]** _ The meds don't work. Don't bother.  _ **Worthless.** _ You always were quite simple.  _ ‘Twenty tiles.’  **_If you take them your cock won't work. Who needs that?_ ** _ Disgusting.  _ **_Am not._ ** _ Ignore her Silas. You're just meant to be alone. [He's unlovable. When will he accept it?] _

“Stop.” Silas said. “All of you just stop.”

_[I hate to laugh at him but he makes it too easy. God, he's so fucking stupid. He thinks we will stop.]_ **Worthless.** ‘Thirty tiles. **[Just kill yourself.]** ‘Thirty-five.’ **[Drown yourself.]** _Buh-bye._ **Worthless.** ‘Forty-two tiles.’

Silas screamed. He dunked himself below the surface of the bathwater and screamed again. He screamed until his chest hurt. The voices were momentarily quiet. He popped up for air and settled back against the side of the tub, breathing heavily. He arched his neck and continued to look up.

“I'm going to call him when I'm done.” Silas said.

_ No you won't you've done enough damage. _

“You're right, I won't.” He sighed.

Silas closed his eyes and just sort of floated silently. He tried to clear his head. He couldn't stop thinking about what he'd done and the regret ate at his stomach. He felt nauseous.

_ You should just throw the meds out. Accept they do nothing. [He's never going to accept anything. Silas is useless. He should just throw himself out. He's rubbish.]  _ **[You're better off dead. Just drown. No one will come looking for you.]** _ If you kill yourself, we will follow you to hell.  _ **[Do it.]** ‘Stop it.’  **[DO IT!]**

“How could I have been so fucking stupid?” Silas asked, angry with himself. He watched the shadow come down from the ceiling and settle next to the tub.

“Do you know? Because I fucking don't.” He said to it but it just floated away. “Fuck you then.” He said to it.

_Because you are stupid, Silas. You're incredibly stupid and worthless. [Noak is never going to speak to Silas again. We're going to be stuck with the miserable shit.] It's over Silas. He's gone._ _[No one to talk to or sit quietly with but us.]_ ** _No one to fuck you._**

“It's not like that, stop.” Silas whispered, voice cracking as he held off more crying.

**_Yes it is and you know it._ ** _ It’s over. Accept that. You fucked up again. [He will fuck up always.]  _ **_No one to fuck you. Never had the chance to ask, did you? What a shame._ **

“Stop.” Silas sobbed.

The water had cooled significantly. Silas got out of the tub and pulled the drain. He reached for a towel and dried himself off. The house was warm but Silas still shivered. He stood at the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He hated what he saw. He was angry and hated himself.

_ We hate you too. _

He dropped his eyes to the scratches on his arm from earlier in the day. A few opened up and were bleeding again; he’d done a number on himself and noted that it was probably time to cut his nails.

**[Keep the nails. Get a knife. Bleed.]**

He reached into a drawer in the vanity and pulled out a box of plasters. He covered the open wounds, put the box away and slammed the drawer shut. He stood at the sink and picked at his nails. Bringing his hands to his mouth, he bit them short, spitting them into the sink. He picked at his cuticles until they were raw and bleeding. It wasn't until he caught his reflection in the mirror again that he noticed he was crying.

**[You don't bleed enough.]** _How does it feel knowing you're alone?_ **Worthless.** _Lonely Silas._ **[Just end your miserable existence.]** _Go on, take us all to Hell._

Silas turned on the sink and rinsed his hands with water that was too hot. He watched the blood swirl in the basin and slip down the drain. He sobbed once. He shut the tap once the water ran clear. He looked at his hands. They were bright pink, sore and shaking uncontrollably. He went to his room.

“Get out of here.” Silas said to the shadow by his closet.

The dark shape turned towards him and blinked four eyes at him before fading from view. Silas stood there, dazed, just staring at the space it had occupied. He shook his head then dressed himself for bed. He slipped into a pair of clean pants. He found one of his long sleeve thermal t-shirts and pulled it on before one of Noak's hoodies. He still felt cold but the cold feeling was coming from the inside. He didn't bother slipping on pajama bottoms.

_[He should burn this hoodie. Burn every trace of that man. Worthless.]_ **Worthless.** _He's gone Silas._ _Give him up._ **Worthless.** _[Silas is worthless and alone.]_

“I need my phone.” He said quietly.

Silas found his mobile on the charger. He unplugged it and stared at his screen. It was a picture Noak had taken of the two of them on their third not date. Silas thought about how happy they looked.

_Photos lie. You’ll never be happy. [Worthless pieces of shit. The both of them.]_ ‘He’s not worthless.’ _[He is.]_ _Accept it's over._

Silas set the phone down. He sat at the side of his bed. He took five minutes to contemplate if he should text Noak.

“I can fix this. I just have to text him.” He said.

_ No you can't. _

“I can't.” Silas sighed. 

**[Die, you piece of shit.]** _Don't text him. Don't fucking do it._ ‘I need to fix this.’ _You can’t. Just text him goodbye._ ** _Text him asking for a fuck._** ‘Shut up!’ _Tell him you understand it's over. [Crazy Silas.]_

“I'm NOT crazy.” He cried.

_ Yes you are. Totally crazy.  _ **[Go kill yourself.]** _ You're crazy. _

“I can't fucking do this right now!” Silas shouted with frustration. “Leave me alone. Please. Please just leave me alone.” He cried.

Silas climbed into bed and tucked himself in under several blankets. He still felt cold. Silas closed his eyes but didn't try and fall asleep. He knew he was too upset.

**Worthless.** _You should have texted him when you had the chance._ **Worthless.** _[Silas blew it. He's gone. Noak isn't going to be back.]_ **Worthless.**

It was just after one in the morning when his mobile received a message and made a quiet ping sound. Silas was wide awake and heard the text come in. He turned and reached from under the covers for his phone. He read the text; it was from Noak.

: I'm outside. Can you let me in? :

Silas didn't send a reply. Instead he got up and made his way to the front door. He unlocked and opened it. Noak was standing on the other side. He was sopping wet because the rain was falling hard. Silas stepped back to let the taller man in. He shifted his feet and looked up at Noak. He didn't care how he looked, eyes raw from crying and his lanky form lost in the much too big hoodie.

**[Maybe he came back to kill you. You deserve that you little shit.]**

Silas flinched at the words. “You came back. Why did you come back?” He said softly.

Noak looked at Silas but did not answer. Silas reached for Noak's hand but Noak pulled away. He took off his coat and dropped it on the floor behind the door, too wet to hang over Silas's on the hook. He looked at the smaller man and Silas noticed that he’d been crying too. He was quiet when Noak started to say something.

“I got most of deh way home before I realized I had to sort dis ding out. What you said to me earlier, dat was uncalled for and it really fucking hurt me Silas.” Noak said, angrily. “I don't hate you and I don't want to end dis, whatever we have; I care too much about you Silas, about us. You might not feel strongly about dis relationship we have but I do and I can't walk away,” He continued.

Silas nodded his head and was looking down at the floor. He felt very strongly about the other man but was still much to afraid to say anything about it. He said nothing and he could feel his eyes welling with tears.

“But damn it all to hell if I don't make it very clear to you dat making fun of my insecurities is off limits. I don't let shit get to me but fuck Silas, what you said about my speech got to me.” Noak finished, speaking loudly but not yelling.

Silas looked up at him and was crying again. He shrank back at the raised voice, a result of his prior abuse, but found he agreed with every word that left Noak's mouth. Silas had been way out of line. He hated himself for how he had hurt his boyfriend like he did, even though he felt it was out of his control.

“Noak I'm sorry.” Silas said, voice cracking. “I didn't mean it.” He said and started to cry harder.

**Pathetic. Loser.** _ You're wasting your time fuck-bag.  _ **Worthless.**

Silas was looking at Noak but couldn't focus. He wiped at his eyes and sniffled.

**Worthless.** _ [Why is he even bothering?] Just give up.  _ **Worthless. Crazy.**

“Stop it. I'm not crazy! You're liars.” Silas said. He immediately realized he didn’t turn away from Noak as he said it.

Silas spotted a shadow, lingering in the hall between his bedroom and where they stood. He tried to look away but it kept shifting into his line of vision. His inner struggle was written in his features.

Noak looked at his boyfriend. He’d heard what he'd said, saw he was uncomfortable. He reached out but Silas stepped back.

“Silas, talk to me. What's going on?” Noak whispered.

_ Don't you dare.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Silas is such a fuck up. It's over, why can't he see that?] _

“I want to, I need to talk to you.” Silas said, motioning for Noak to follow him into the kitchen. “I’m not sure how.” He whispered, with his back to the taller man.

“You open your moud and use your words.” Noak said sarcastically, a step behind his boyfriend.

Silas couldn't process the sarcasm in his current state. He moved towards the counter and clicked on the kettle to boil water. He reached for a box of tea but his hands were shaking so badly he kept dropping it. He just left it on the floor after the third drop. He was crying as he reached for a mug.

Noak came up behind him and bent to pick up the tea. He brushed past Silas and pulled down two mugs.

“Let me.” Noak whispered, helpfully.

Silas stepped aside. He sniffled quietly and wiped his eyes. He muttered a thank you.

_ You're so fucking incompetent. [What does Noak see in him? They're both worthless.] _

Noak went about the motions of fixing his boyfriend a cup of tea. He made one for himself, even though his preference was coffee. He didn't hate tea and thought a cup would ease his current state of mind. Once the water boiled, he poured it out and filled each mug, Noak turned to Silas.

“What happened dis afternoon?” He asked, handing Silas one of the mugs. “Someding happened. I don't feel like it was you.” He said.

Silas nodded in thanks. He was looking at Noak but he would not meet his eyes.

“When I was fourteen, maybe fifteen years old, I'd just gotten out of hospital and just learning to walk again, um.” Silas started, leaning his hip against the counter. He was staring at the floor. “I was… I was, I um, fuck.” He stuttered, biting his lip and holding back tears.

Noak sipped his tea and was quiet, listening to Silas. He said nothing, as not to upset the man, who seemed like what he was trying to say wasn't going to be easy.

“When I was…” Silas started again.

**Worthless.** _ Fucking pathetic. [God he's a mess.]  _ **[Just die already.]** _ Don't tell Noak anything, you little shit.  _ ‘Stop it. Stop it now. He deserves to know.’  _ He deserves to be away from you.  _ **Worthless.**

Silas put his mug down on the counter and looked up at his boyfriend's face. He took a deep breath.

“Whenever it was, I don't know, I don't fucking know.” Silas said and hit himself on the side of the head. “I'm so fucking stupid.” He sobbed.

Noak put his tea down. He reached to hold Silas’s hands and stop him from hitting himself. He noticed his fingers were raw and covered in dried blood.

“Just breathe Sweetheart. Take you time.” Noak said, soothingly.

“I had angels.” Silas whispered, looking up at his boyfriend. He looked away, ashamed. “Th-they came to me when I was broken. They were, they were so kind to me. Th- they were my friends.” He said and started to sob once more. “My only friends.”

Noak just wrapped his arms around Silas and held him close. Noak didn't believe in angels but he wasn't going to say anything to upset Silas further. The smaller man leaned into Noak and felt himself relax.

“They left me. They were there and suddenly they were gone. They'd been replaced.” Silas said.

“Replaced by what?” Noak asked, rubbing Silas’s back.

“Demons.” Silas whispered. “Th-they tell me to do things, to hurt myself. They, um they Noak, I need… I need to sit down. Please, maybe, fuck, I might have to lay down.” He said, suddenly dizzy.

_ He thinks you're crazy Silas. [Silas is crazy.]  _ **Worthless.**

Noak helped Silas into his living room and sat him on the sofa. He excused himself back to the kitchen to retrieve their tea. Silas sat there, completely still. His back was rigid and he was staring at the telly. It wasn't on but Silas could see a figure with six eyes staring back at him. Once Noak had returned, he took a seat next to his boyfriend, close but not touching him. Silas didn't react. Noak set their mugs on the coffee table. They were quiet for a long time.

_ Fucking pathetic.  _ **[Die.]** _ You're no good. He doesn't believe you. [Silas is a liar. A worthless, no good liar.  _ **[You're better off dead.]**

“Stop it.” Silas cried quietly.

“Silas?” Noak said.

Silas looked at the floor and shook his head. He could feel an anxiety attack coming on.

“Sweetheart, please, just talk to me. What's going on wid you?” Noak said softly.

Silas looked up. He glanced at the taller man’s face but would not meet his eyes.

_ Don't. _

“I have to tell you something I've been keeping quiet about.” Silas said, tone was calm and even. “I should have said something, I um, I should have said this to you earlier, weeks ago but I-” He said then stopped abruptly.

Noak looked across at Silas and noticed that his body trembled. He braced himself for what his boyfriend was going to say. He feared it was over between them. He assumed that Silas wanted out, that he strung him along without hope. He worried Silas had done the one thing that he'd asked him not to do.

Silas was quiet again. He felt a shadow watching him from behind. He was too scared to look up. Noak watched Silas; his own insecurity clear on his features.

“Silas, are you breaking up wid me?” Noak asked, the drawn out silence making him feel his own anxiety.

“Noak, no.” Silas said, looking into his eyes. “Please, no, I don't want that. I'm just, I just… I'm really struggling right now.” He said.

_ No good. You're no good.  _ **Worthless.** _ Don’t you dare tell him anything! _

“I, um, I am telling you this because I have never in my life felt so fucking right around someone.” Silas said. “I've never trusted someone as deeply as I trust you, Noak. I don't, I don't want to break up with you but I'll um, I'll understand if you want to break up with me after all this.” He whispered and looked down at his hands.

Noak sat quietly waiting for his boyfriend to continue. When he didn't he spoke up.

“Silas, you can tell me anyding.” Noak whispered.

_ Don't you dare. Silas stop.  _ **[Just kill yourself.]** _ Stop it. _

“I- I… I'm diagnosed a schizophrenic.” Silas said. After the words left his mouth, he looked away.

_ You stupid shit.  _ **[Kill yourself.]** _ [I can't believe he just said that.] _

“It happened when I was 23. I, I hear voices and they tell me to do things. The, um, the voices started much earlier.” Silas said quietly. “No one knows, other than my doctors, my therapist, and Mrs. Baker.”

Noak looked at him but said nothing. He simply had no idea what he could say.

_ No going back now Fuckup.  _ **[Kill yourself.]** _ What did you just do?  _ **Worthless.** _ You're crazy. [He's crazy. Crazy fucking Silas.]  _ **Worthless.** _ Crazy. _

“I'm not crazy.” Silas cried. “I'm really not crazy.” He whispered, mostly to himself.

Noak continued to say nothing and waited for Silas to look up at him again. It took a moment but he did it. Noak watched his boyfriend's face. He listened to Silas quietly sob and just let it all sink in. His choice to remain silent was intentional. He didn't want to say the wrong thing.

“I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore because of everything.” Silas said through the tears. “I’m a fuck up.” He said quietly.

Noak reached for and held onto Silas’s hand. He finally spoke up. “You are not a fuck up.” He said. “I want to be wid you.” He whispered.

“You do?” Silas said, looking up at Noak through tear bleary eyes.

_He's lying._ **Worthless.** **Fuck up.** _It's only us you need._

Noak nodded slowly.

“You don't hate me for what I did?” Silas asked quietly.

_ Of course he does you worthless simpleton. _

Noak shook his head.

“Silas, no.” Noak started. “I told you, I do not hate you. I am upset. I am hurt but I do not hate you.” He said quietly and gave the smaller man’s hand a comforting squeeze.

_ [He's lying to Silas.]  _ **Worthless.** _ [He hates him.] You are worthless.  _ **Worthless.]** _ [Wake up and smell the disappointment.] _

“I know noding about schizophrenia but I know enough about you to know I want dis, I want you. I am not going anywhere.” Noak whispered, lacing their fingers and squeezed Silas’s hand again. “I love you, Silas.” Noak whispered, the admission of love just felt right despite his original decision to keep it quiet a little longer.

_ He's lying to you.  _ **[Fucking die.]**

“No.” Silas sobbed and shifted back but kept their hands clasped, afraid to let go.

**Worthless.**

“No?” Noak questioned.

“I am worthless and unlovable.” Silas whispered and looked up at Noak.

_ [Yeah, he gets it now.] _

“Silas, you're not wordless, not ever, okay? I am willing to learn more about dis-” Noak said.

“No!” Silas snapped, looking back at the floor.

Noak looked at his boyfriend confused. Silas finally let go of the taller man’s hand and shifted, putting a bigger gap between them.

“There’s nothing to learn. I can't be fixed.” Silas said and looked Noak in the eye.

“Can I put my arm around you?” Noak asked, moving closer again. 

Silas leaned into the taller man and whispered yes. Noak wrapped his arm around his boyfriend. He wrapped his other arm around him after a moment and just held him in the embrace.

“I will not try and fix you, Silas.” Noak whispered and kissed the top of his head. “I want to learn to help you when I can and support you when I cannot. I want to be dere when you need me to be.” He added.

_ Lies. He lies Silas.  _ **Worthless.** _ [He hates Silas.] We hate you too. _

Silas was crying again. He believed Noak. The voices were determined to change that.

_ He lies. [No sense in that head of his.] You are shit. You're a failure.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Always will be worthless.] He's going to hate you. _

“I'm scared, Noak.” Silas whispered.

“What of?” Noak asked quietly.

“Wh-what if I can't be what you need or deserve?” Silas said, voice muffled as he rested against Noak's chest.

“You already are.” Noak whispered.

Noak took hold of Silas’s hands. He traced circles on his wrists with his thumbs. Silas pulled his hands away from Noak's and he covered his face. His fingers trembled. His head hurt. Silas wanted to scream. He dropped his hands but didn't look at Noak.

_ Ignore this asshole.  _ **Worthless.** _ He's setting you up for heartbreak. [He deserves it so… ] Just accept it and know you will always have us.  _ **Worthless.** _ We care, sort of.  _ **[Kill yourself.]** _ Ha. Ha. Ha. [Hahaha hahaha.] _

“M-my angels were real.” Silas said, looking up. “Th-they left me.” He whimpered.

“I'm sorry Sweetheart.” Noak whispered. He hugged him close.

“They tell me I'm wrong, that the angels were just symptoms but they are wrong. I had angels and when they left me, I… I got sick.” Silas said quietly after a long silence. “They said… they said no Silas, take these pills, speak to a therapist. There's no angels. This will help you.” He mumbled.

“Do the pills help you?” Noak asked quietly.

Silas shook his head no. Deep down he knew that wasn't true. He wasn't thinking clearly.

“The pills I am supposed to take are why I can’t get hard when we fool around. That's why I'm hesitant to take my clothes off. I'm, um, I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed I can't get hard for you.” He said.

“You don't have to be embarrassed.” Noak whispered.

“I'm sorry.” Silas sobbed.

Noak gave his boyfriend a tight squeeze and hushed him before kissing the top of his head again. Silas leaned against him, nuzzling under his chin.

“I’ve taken my stupid pills without slipping up for two and a half years. I had a bad relapse back 2009. I feel like I’m losing it again. Fuck, I haven't displayed any bad symptoms of my schizophrenia in two and a half years.” Silas whispered. “I didn't mean to say those things to you.”

_ Yes you did. [He's blaming us.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You're crazy, Silas. You meant every word of it. _

Noak continued to hold onto Silas, stroking over his back in a calm and relaxing way. He pressed yet another a kiss to the top of his head.

“You have slipped up again?” Noak whispered against his hair.

“I, um, I stopped taking my pills a few weeks ago. I didn't like that I can’t feel what you do to me, Noak. I'm not happy. It never bothered me until I met you.” Silas said.

“I'm sorry you are not happy.” Noak said quietly.

_ Lies. All lies.  _ **Worthless. Fuck-up.**

“I am so fucked up.” Silas whispered.

Noak frowned but Silas didn’t see it. He gave the smaller man a tighter hug and held onto him. He let go of his hands.

“You are not fucked up. I am honestly glad dat you told me. It says a lot to me dat you did.” Noak said.

“Did it tell you I'm crazy?” Silas asked bitterly.

“Sweetheart, you are not crazy.” Noak said.

**Crazy.** _ Whole fruit basket kinda crazy. _ **Worthless.** _ Crazy crazy Silas. _

Silas flinched at the words. “Please, just leave me alone.” He whispered.

Neither man made a move for a long time even though Noak was exhausted and so was Silas. They simply held onto one another and just sat silently. Silas almost fell asleep on Noak as the taller man rubbed his back soothingly. Noak was filled with a small sense of relief. He was not happy to find out Silas’s mental health complications went deeper than anxiety. The relief came at the news that Silas wasn't in his right mind when he'd made fun of his voice. Noak didn't have to think Silas meant what he said it anymore.

Silas kept his mind blank and the voices had stopped for the moment. He had cleared his mind of anything negative. He had Noak back and apologies were made. He knew the calm wouldn't last, especially that he was off his medication. He was just about to fall asleep, when he snapped awake and sat up straight.

“You alright dere?” Noak asked calmly.

Silas hummed and leaned against the bigger man, relaxed once more. He brought Noak's hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to his palm. Noak smiled and leaned his head on Silas's.

“We should get some sleep.” Noak whispered.

Silas hummed again but made no move from his place at Noak’s side. “You're staying tonight?” He asked quietly.

“Ja, it's late.” Noak replied. “I will stay, if you don't mind.”

Silas sat back and looked up at his boyfriend. He smiled and said, “I don't mind. Not at all.”

Eventually the pair got up and moved down the hall to Silas’s bedroom. Noak kicked off his boots and climbed into bed. He moved to lay down against the pillows and he pulled Silas with him. The pair snuggled close and Silas breathed gently against Noak's throat. Noak kissed his forehead. Silas leaned back to look at his boyfriend’s face.

“I'm sorry to have that episode in front of you today.” Silas said quietly. “I’m also sorry I never told you about my condition.” He whispered, tearing up again.

Noak reached out and touched Silas's cheek. Silas sniffled. Noak kissed Silas’s forehead again. Silas smiled softly at the kiss and reached to wipe at his eyes.

“I stopped taking my medication the first night you spent here. I’ve been extremely not in my right mind. That's not an excuse for my disgusting behavior earlier. I just felt you should know.” Silas said.

“I am very sorry you are not doing well, Sweetheart.” Noak said quietly.

Noak didn’t judge his boyfriend for the admission as it wasn’t his business. He just wanted what was best for Silas. He put his hand under his boyfriend’s chin and tilted his face up. He met Silas’s eyes.

“Can I help wid anyding?” Noak asked.

**[If he kills you, you don’t have to do it yourself.]**

Silas shook his head. Noak laced his fingers with Silas’s again. He squeezed his hand tightly. Silas blinked slowly. Noak continued to look at him but said nothing. He reached out and touched Silas’s cheek. Noak swallowed hard. Silas still had a dazed look about him.

“Is it word it to stay off your medication?” Noak asked.

“I don't know.” Silas said quietly. “I am just so tired of not feeling things.” He sighed.

Silas knew the answer was no but he wasn’t ready to admit it yet, not to himself or to his boyfriend. Silas was well aware of how much the medication he was on allowed him to live a close to normal life. He knew the hell that came along with not taking it. He knew all of it and pushed it out. The two lay there in silence for a long time. Silas sobbed quietly.

_ [Oh Silas really fucked this up.] _ **Worthless.** _ Crazy baby. You crazy. Crazy baby. _

“I'm not crazy.” Silas said, sobbing into Noak's neck. 

“No Sweetheart. You are not crazy.” Noak said.

Silas nodded his head and relaxed as he felt the larger man's arms circle his waist. Noak pulled his boyfriend tighter against him. He kissed his temple. Silas looked at Noak and just felt okay. He felt safe, loved and right. Silas licked his bottom lip. 

“Could I ask you to do me a favor?” Silas asked and Noak hummed affirmatively.

“Anyding.” Noak whispered.

Silas licked his lips and sighed.

“Can you keep this between us?” He asked. “Please, no one at work knows, not even Anna.” He said.

“Between us.” Noak said and touched Silas’s chest, over his heart. “You can trust me.” He whispered.

Silas put a hand over Noak's and nodded slowly. “Thanks.” He said. “Can you get me a glass of water?” Silas asked. “I want to take something to help me sleep.” 

Noak nodded his head and got up from the bed. He leaned over to kiss Silas’s lips. Silas smiled and kissed back, just a little peck. He watched as Noak left the room to get water.

Silas went into his night table drawer and took two of his tranquilizers. He held them in his hand and waited for Noak to come back. Silas slipped out of the hoodie and thermal shirt, knowing he'd be warm with his boyfriend at his side. He felt more comfortable without them on anyway. He climbed under the covers and sat quietly. He looked up and saw nothing. He sighed. He hoped the rest of the night would be quiet.

Noak returned with two glasses of water. He set one down on the night table and gave the other to Silas. Noak climbed into bed after ditching his jeans and shirt. He watched as the other man drank half his water and swallowed the two pills before setting it down. Silas lay back on the bed and shifted closer to Noak. He kissed his jaw and snuggled up. Noak wrapped his arms around Silas and kissed the top of his head.

“I'm exhausted.” Noak sighed.

“Me too.” Silas said. 

“Den we sleep.” Noak whispered and gave Silas's lips a tiny peck. 

Silas sighed and closed his eyes. He snuggled into his pillow and relaxed against his boyfriend. He knew the medication would let him fall into sleep and stay there. Having Noak there made him feel better as well.

“Can we go on the hike tomorrow? Dinner after?” Silas asked.

Noak nodded and gave the smaller man a squeeze.

“If it stops raining.” Noak said with a laugh.

“Deal.” Silas whispered.

They lay there quietly, both lost in their own thoughts. It was Silas who broke the silence.

“Um, you really love me?” Silas asked, whispering into Noak's shoulder.

“Ja Sweetheart. I really love you.” Noak said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Silas smiled and soon he drifted off. It took Noak longer to fall asleep. The last thing he heard was Silas mumble something about remembering not to tell Anna.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes a push for self harm and suicide.**

_ 30 June 2006 _

Silas had been living out on the streets of London for over a month. He’d left boyfriend of four and a half years, Luca Cezar, left their shared flat, choosing a life of homelessness to a life of being used, abused, and whored out for pills. The man had been good to Silas at the start of their relationship but over their time together, Luca seemed to care less and less about Silas and his well being. The demons in Silas’s mind were starting to return to him after months of not being there. Finding Luca in bed with another man had been the final straw and Silas was gone without looking back. Most nights, Silas spent sleeping at the back of Saint George's park, hidden away in a large grouping of trees. Silas spent most of his time alone.

One particular day, one that had rained most of the time and left the ground soggy and his clothes damp, Silas met someone that would change his life. The time was well past midnight and he was sitting with his back against a large pine tree. He hadn’t been sleeping well, kept up by the demons inside his head. Silas was rather drunk, a half empty bottle of gin at his side. He listened to the voices and let them go without interruption.

**Worthless.** _You're going to die soon. [He is already dead.]_ _You hear that Silas? You're already dead._ **Dead.** _[Silas is so dead.]_

“I'm not dead. Shut up.” Silas muttered and reached for the bottle.

He picked up the gin and took two swigs before he set it back down. The alcohol didn't silence the voices but it did slow them down.

_[He is dead. Dead inside. He is dead.]_ _No one misses you. No one ever misses you. No one ever will. [He’s dead!] You're dead Silas._

“Shut up!” Silas shouted into the darkness.

It was then that he heard the sound of a few branches snapping nearby, off to his left. He froze. The voices went quiet. He looked in the direction of the sound but couldn't see anything through the dark. He gasped when a second round of snaps echoed around him.

“Go away. This is my place.” Silas yelled into the trees.

He tried to sound threatening but it just sounded like he was scared and incredibly drunk. He had no idea who or what was making those noises. There was more snaps and some rustling along the ground. Silas tensed. He picked up a small rock and threw it into the dark. He wondered what in London might be big enough to attack him. He didn’t think it was an animal as it sounded much too large to be anything he could think of. The idea that it was a large group of rats flashed in his mind. Silas was terrified of rats.

“I said go away.” He said none and took another swig of gin.

_ [He can kill it. He should kill it.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You kill it Silas. Kill it dead. [There are two dead in the woods.] Kill it before it kills you. [It will kill Silas.]  _ **Worthless** _. [Whatever it is will kill him.] They're coming to get you. _

There was nothing but silence for the next couple of seconds, that seemed to drag on for several minutes. The silence made Silas feel uneasy. He took another swig of gin. He sighed when he realized it was nearly gone. The rustling started up again and yes, it definitely was much too loud to be an animal. It was also getting much closer. Silas could feel his heartbeat thumping in fear. He could hear it over the sound of the rustling.

“Who's there?” Silas asked, voice wavering. “I c-can hear y-ya.” He slurred.

The rustling stopped again and it was dead quiet. The sudden and loud pop of a breaking stick echoed in the small space. That was when Silas saw the shape of someone standing over him.

“Jesus Christ!” Silas shouted, surprised.

“Not even close.” The someone replied with a dark laugh.

“Where did you come from? Who the hell are you?” Silas asked, still with his wits scared out of him.

“A friend?” The stranger replied and stepped out into the clearing where Silas had set up camp.

“I have no friends.” Silas said. “I need no friends, so fuck off.” He snapped.

The stranger, a woman, walked closer and sat down anyway. She looked at Silas and he at her. He made no comment that she stayed. They watched one another for some time. She sat with her knees pulled to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. Silas mirrored it and positioned himself in a similar way.

Silas noticed she had dark hair that was dirty, matted, and cut unevenly. Her manner of dress was mismatched, dark layers and torn jumpers. Her face was dirty and so were her feet. She hadn't been wearing shoes. Silas thought she looked in rougher shape than he did, not that he'd seen himself in a mirror recently. He felt bad for her. Her face made her look young but her eyes held an older, unknown age.

“What's your name?” Silas asked, picking at his nails.

The woman didn't answer at first. She fidgeted with some bracelets on her wrists. They clanked and clicked together. Silas noted there were many going up her pale arms. The beads and charms picked up what little moonlight filtered into the trees. She stopped fidgeting and sighed. She was looking at the bottle at Silas’s side. Silas stopped picking.

“Can I have some?” She asked, licking her lips.

Silas shrugged and passed her the bottle. She took a drink and dropped it. The bottle smashed into pieces on the ground.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Silas shouted at her angrily.

The woman started to cry. The sound didn't seem right to his ears. Silas tensed and his anger softened. He wanted it to stop.

“I'm sorry.” Silas said, feeling guilty for raising his voice. “I'm Silas. Will you tell me your name?” He said.

“Luci.” She replied quietly. “Luci with an i.” She added.

“Luci with an i.” Silas whispered.

“That's right.” Luci said.

She was still closed in on herself, not that Silas could see much of her in the dark. He looked at her and wondered if she'd say anymore. He wasn't sure what he could say. He didn't talk to people anymore. He'd lost the confidence to weeks ago. No one ever cared to listen what he had to say, even he didn’t care most of the time.

“I'm not mad you broke the bottle Luci.” He said and meant it. “It was mostly empty anyway.” He added.

“I'll get you a new one.” Luci said. “You like gin?” She whispered.

Silas nodded at her. He wondered how she knew that.

_ She just took a sip of gin you ass. [Silas is too worthless and stupid to go on.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You really are, Silas.  _ **Worthless.** _ [He really really is.] _

Silas reached around and pulled a backpack from behind the tree. He opened the zip and went rummaging through it.

“I have more. I will share it.” He said and dug out a full bottle and a crushed pack of cigarettes. “Do you want a smoke?” He asked.

“Yes please.” Luci said and crawled a little closer to him. “I’d kill for a smoke.” She whispered.

Silas shivered at her words. Luci settled so their feet nearly touched. She was still facing him and now set her back towards a small oak. Silas took two cigarettes from his pack and held one out to her. He popped the other into his mouth.

“Can you light it for me?” Luci asked. “My hands, they don't work very well. It’s been so cold.” She explained, holding them up to him.

Silas nodded and put the other cigarette between his lips. He lit both and passed one to Luci. He smiled when she took it. He watched her for a little while as they puffed away. They remained quiet for the duration of the cigarettes and Silas looked down at his bag and not at her. The comment about the cold went over his head; it was summer and actually quite warm out.

“I haven't seen you around here before.” Silas said, taking a final drag and stubbing out what was left of the cigarette. “And I'm sorry if it's rude to say but you look like you've been out here a while.” He added.

Luci laughed. It was an unpleasant sound.

“Yes. It’s a bit rude.” She said with a scowl. “Especially coming from someone who stinks as badly as you.” She added.

“I stink?” Silas asked and gave himself a sniff. “Okay, yeah, I do.” He said.

Luci laughed again. Silas made a face like he was uncomfortable.

“I've been watching you.” Luci said. “You haven't seen me because I didn't want you to see me.” She explained.

“Why have you been watching me?” Silas asked, twisting the top off his new bottle. “That's incredibly creepy. Don't do that.” He said.

“You interest me, Silas.” She said. “Is that even your real name?” She questioned.

Silas took a drink. He looked at Luci, confused. He wondered why she'd think he was lying to her and if he was, what would it matter?

_Maybe she is lying to you._ _Yes, yes. She lies to you._

“Yes it's my real name. Is Luci yours?” Silas said, taking another sip.

Luci laughed yet again. Silas didn't like the sound of her laugh. It was tinny and hurt his ears. He almost prefered the sound of her unusual cry. He noticed that the laughter lit up her eyes and in the dark he could make out that they were large and a very pale grey colour.

“It might be.” She replied with a giggle. “I have many names.” She whispered.

“Okay.” Silas said. “Why?” He asked.

Luci didn't answer. She looked at Silas and he looked at her.

“My ex send you?” Silas asked, paranoid. “You're working for him!” He shouted as he pointed at her.

Luci stared at him. Silas felt sick under her stare. He thought about moving away from her but the tree at his back was in his way.

“I don't have a fucking clue who your ex is.” Luci said. “I'm working for no one. I'm here because you look like you could use the company.” She explained.

“I think you're lying.” Silas whispered.

_ Smartest thing you’ve said all day. She will hurt you. _

The two fell back into silence. Luci finished her cigarette and dropped it to the ground next to her. Silas watched it burn until the moisture from the ground extinguished it.

“Where are you from?” Silas asked quietly.

Luci shook her head in an almost disapproving manner.

“I don’t have to answer that.” She said.

“I know that. Will you?” Silas whispered.

“Far away.” She replied.

“How far away?” He asked. “I came from Bath.” He said.

Luci just laughed and stood up. Silas could hear her joints cracking. He thought it rude she take a smoke only to ditch out on him.

“Where are you going?” He asked.

“You ask many questions Silas, too many questions. Thank you for the cigarette.” She said and started walking away.

“Well when a stranger comes into my space, don't I have a right to know about them?” Silas called out.

Luci turned back. She was smiling. Silas could barely make it out in the darkness.

“You're homeless Silas. You have no space. I think you question too much and I'm leaving.” She said to him.

“Good.” Silas said but didn't mean it.

He watched her go until she was out of view. Soon he didn't hear the sounds of her steps any longer.

**Worthless.** _You do ask too much. Maybe just shut your mouth? [Silas is worthless.]_

Silas sat there, too tired to shut the demons up. He listened to them for an hour, polishing off the second bottle of gin. He smoked another two cigarettes and passed out, completely drunk.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

_ 2 July 2006 _

Three nights later, Silas was walking around the park. He'd left his backpack by the tree he’d claimed as his own. He'd been drinking again like most nights and had a bottle of beer in his hand. He circled the park's walkway half a dozen times, he was definitely alone. The time was again after midnight.

_Maybe you should get another job. [Why? He'd only fail.]_ _You need money Silas. [He needs money to pay for a funeral.] Silas you want drinking money, don’t you?_ **[Drinking will kill him. Drugs might kill him faster.]** _You can find coke Silas, can’t you?_

“Shut up. You never shut up. Just shut up.” Silas shouted towards the sky.

“Who are you talking to?” A voice said from behind him.

Silas jumped out of his skin and turned towards the direction of the voice. It was Luci. She was standing a few meters away.

“No one.” Silas answered quickly.

Silas only ever told one person about his demons. That person was no longer a part of his life, hadn't been in many years. He wasn't about to start telling people, especially not Luci. He didn’t need her to think he was crazy. He wasn’t crazy.

“It was no one.” Silas said as Luci walked closer to him. “Where have you been?”

Silas got a better look at her than the previous time they met. He now had the aid of the lamp post at the edge of the walkway. Her hair was still dirty and matted, her face dusted with dirt. She was dressed in three layered skirts, two jumpers and still had no shoes on her feet. She had big pale eyes that were red around the edges and sparsely rimmed with eyelashes. There was something off about her pupils, like they weren't completely round; Silas assumed it was just a trick of the light, it had to be. Her eyebrows were shaved off and it looked like one had been penciled back on but smudged. She had a rather large, slightly crooked nose. Her front teeth were straight and she had gaps between them and her molars, as her teeth were missing along the sides of her mouth. Luci had very sharp angles on her face and high cheekbones. Her chin was small and pointed. Her skin was pale beneath the dirt. She was unconventionally pretty in the broadest of terms but Silas thought she resembled an animal.

“No one?” Luci asked like she didn’t believe him.

“Yeah, no one.” Silas said.

“Nobody talks to no one, Silas.” Luci said. “Not unless they're crazy.” She added, smiling.

“I'm not crazy.” Silas snapped.

_Oh honey, you are. [Silas is crazy and worthless.]_ **Worthless.** _You are crazy._

“Then who were you talking to?” Luci asked.

**Crazy** _. _

“I said it was no one.” Silas said, shaking his head and walking away.

“Suit yourself, crazy.” Luci said and followed him.

Silas turned to her, pointed his finger to her face and tried to look threatening. He got so upset when people called him crazy. Friend or not, he wouldn't tolerate it from Luci.

“I'm not crazy. I'm not fucking crazy. Stop it!” He yelled at her.

_ Worthless shit you are.  _ **Crazy.**

Silas turned his back to her and finished his beer. He was in no sharing mood. He wished Luci would go away again. He wanted to throw the empty bottle at her but when he turned back she was gone.

_ [Silas made her disappear.] You are so powerful Silas. [Silas can make himself disappear.] Can you? Can you please? _

“Stop. Stop it. Stop it.” Silas muttered and hit himself in the head a few times. “You're a bitch Luci. I know you're still around here. And YOU ARE THE CRAZY ONE!” Silas shouted out into the night.

He looked around for the woman and couldn't see her. He screamed out in frustration and flung his beer bottle towards a nearby bench. He didn’t believe that he’d made her disappear; he couldn’t do that. Silas could hear Luci laughing from somewhere close by.

“I hear you. Show yourself.” Silas yelled. “I said show yourself, dammit!” He shouted when she stayed hidden from view.

Silas stumbled and fell against a rubbish bin. He kicked it and cursed at it for being in his way. He heard Luci's laughter getting louder. He looked down at his foot, wondering if maybe he’d just broken it.

“Stop laughing. You have a stupid laugh! Stop it. Where the fuck are you? Stop laughing at me. Stop it!” Silas whined, spinning around. “Stop it. Stop laughing at me.” He cried, over and over again.

The laughter continued and Silas continued to spin, looking around for the strange woman. He couldn't see her; she probably ran off into the trees.

“Please stop laughing at me!” Silas screamed, crying.

Silas had flashbacks to his time in primary school. He felt sick. Dizzy, Silas fell over onto the ground. He scraped up his cheek and chin enough that he started to bleed. The laughter from Luci stopped.

“Fuck.” Silas cried, wiping at his bloodied skin.

He stood up after a few minutes and was disoriented. He knew he had something in his bag that would stop the bleeding, he just couldn't remember which way to go. He picked a direction and took two steps before colliding with the same rubbish bin he'd walked into moments earlier.

“Fuck you!” Silas shouted at it and kicking it until his toes felt sore; he’d definitely just broken something.

He could hear Luci laughing again and followed the sound. He made his way back to the little clearing in the trees. He sensed he wasn't alone.

“Boo!” Luci said and burst into a fit of laughter.

“Go fuck yourself!” Silas shouted, having the wits scared out of him for the second time that night.

“Maybe later.” Luci said and walked right up to Silas.

The moon had not yet set and its light came down through the trees. Silas looked at Luci and into her eyes. He shuddered.

“What have you done to your face?” Luci asked and touched Silas’s chin.

“Stop!” Silas said and pushed her hand away. “I fell.” He said calmly.

“Why did you fall?” She asked.

“Because I'm fucking drunk!” Silas shouted at her.

“Why are you drunk?” Luci asked.

“Fuck!” Silas shouted. “You're asking too many questions.” Silas said.

Silas sighed heavily. He stepped away and went in search of his backpack. He knew it was there somewhere. He found his bag and dropped to his knees. He opened it and started to rummage through it. He pulled a dirty shirt from the bag and held it to his chin.

Luci walked up behind him and Silas could feel her eyes at his back. He didn't turn to her, just stayed crouched down and applied pressure to the scrape. When it stopped bleeding, he stood up. Luci was still behind him. He turned around and their eyes met. Silas stared at her and it made him incredibly uncomfortable. He looked away and dropped the bloodied shirt. He crouched back down and pulled a bottle of gin from his bag. He'd wanted to save it for the next day but seeing as he had company, he thought maybe they could share.

“You should put the gin on your face. It will stop an infection.” Luci said.

“Stop.” Silas said but knew she was probably right. “Come follow me.” He said and started walking back towards the paved walkway.

Luci followed him through the patch of woods and the two sat down on the first section of rock wall they came across. Silas opened his bottle and took a few gulps.

“Drinking is pretty stupid with a cut like that. You might bleed to death.” Luci said.

“I don't need your help or advice. It's easing the pain.” Silas whispered and took another hearty drink.

“The pain on your chin or the pain in here?” Luci asked and touched Silas’s chest. Silas pushed her arm away.

“Get your hand off me.” Silas said. “I don't have pain in there.” He said.

“Your eyes say differently.” Luci said.

“Fuck you.” Silas spat. “You know nothing.” He said.

He stretched his legs out in front of him and bounced his heels against the walkway. He looked over at Luci and frowned.

“I'm sorry I keep yelling. It's just, I don’t know maybe, I don't want company.” He slurred.

_ [Silas doesn't deserve company.] _

“Sure you do.” Luci whispered. “You're so lonely.” She said.

Silas leaned away from her but stayed sitting in his spot.

“Stop saying that. You don't know me.” Silas said.

“I know enough.” Luci whispered and tucked her legs underneath her skirts.

_She knows you’re worthless. [She wants Silas's spot in the woods.]_ _She'll kill you for it._ **Worthless.**

“Liar.” Silas said. “You know shit about me.” He said and drank another swig.

His head was spinning. He felt so dizzy he laid back against the grass.

“You know shit!” Silas shouted towards the sky.

Luci laughed, stood herself up and walked closer to the lanky man. She kicked gently at the side of his knee. She tried to meet his eyes but Silas looked away and closed them tightly. He could feel the ground spinning beneath him. He wanted to be sick.

“Can I have a drink?” Luci asked.

Silas rolled his head and looked up at Luci. There was a scowl across his face and his chin had started to bleed again. He did nothing to stop it.

“Why did you come back here?” Silas asked her, ignoring her question.

“Because I like to spend time with you Silas. Because you look like you need a friend.” Luci answered him and took a seat beside him again.

Silas didn’t move away. He gripped his bottle of gin tightly by the neck. He looked at the strange woman as if she wanted to steal it. Something didn’t seem right about her but he shook his head to himself when he couldn’t figure it out. She hadn’t done anything to harm him in the time she came around so he assumed she was just lonely too.

“I don’t need any friends so you are wasting your time.” Silas whispered.

Luci reached out and took a hold of Silas’s hand, the one that wasn’t holding the gin. He made no move to pull away as she turned his arm to face the underside up. She pushed up the sleeve of his jumper and traced over an assortment of scars. Silas looked at her, angry. How did she know? The scars were personal, self inflicted and no one’s business but his own.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked her and pulled away. “Stop that.” He said.

“We have the same.” She whispered and turned her arm to show Silas her own scars.

“Oh wow.” Silas said sardonically and sat up. His head was spinning and he felt like he was going to be sick. He cursed at himself. “Does this mean you think that we are best friends now?” He snapped.

“Fuck. You don’t have to be such a crusty cunt about it Silas. I am trying to be nice.” Luci said and got up from her spot next to him.

She walked away then turned to walk back. She reached out and touched his leg. He kicked her away. He looked at her. He really wanted a cigarette.

“Will you share your drink with me?” She asked, blinking.

Silas shivered. He didn't like her eyes.

“No.” He said, a look of disgust on his face.

“Shame.” Luci said and turned her back to him. “I was going to share my cocaine with you.” She whispered.

“I don't do coke.” Silas lied.

Luci laughed, the sound loud and almost musical. It grated on Silas’s ears. Luci then held a sealed up baggy of cocaine in Silas’s line of view and dropped it purposely to the ground.

“Oops.” She said with mock surprise.   


Silas looked down at the baggy. He wanted it but made no move to get it. He looked up at the woman and shook his head in disbelief. He lifted his bottle and he took a swig of gin before setting it down on the concrete.

“Pick it up!” Luci shouted.

Silas leaned and picked up his bottle again.

“Not the gin you fuck wit. Pick up the cocaine. I know you want to. Please, take it from me as an offering of peace.” She said.

He looked around to see if anyone else was around and there wasn’t.

“Fine.” Silas said and got up off the wall. “But I‘m taking it for me. I'm not sharing.” He slurred.

He bent to pick up his gin and took another big swig. Slowly he walked over to where Luci was standing. He kept his eyes on her and bent down to pick up the baggy. He closed his hands around it and stumbled when he felt Luci push him. He hit the ground and his knees took the brunt of the fall.

“You fucking bitch!” Silas spat and looked at her.

“What did I do?” Luci asked with a shrug.

“You know what you did and fuck you.” Silas said and stood himself up.

He rubbed at his knees. They ached and his skin burned. His trousers felt damp, he was certain they'd been skinned and started to bleed through the thinning material.

“I didn’t do a damn thing arsehole. You’re too drunk to function.” Luci said. “Keep the coke. I am leaving.” She added.

“Good. Just go.” Silas yelled.

He took another drink and swayed on unsteady legs. Silas started to cry. He lowered the bottle and looked over at Luci. She started to walk away.

“No wait.” Silas whispered. “Don’t go.” He said.

Luci turned and looked at him. She looked at him confused.

“Why not? Why shouldn't I leave?” She asked. “You just spent how long telling me to fuck off and now you want me to stay? Be friends with your bottle and you precious white powder, I know you love them.” Luci said. “Maybe if you try hard enough, they will love you back.” She added.

The words stung. Silas tried to look like they didn't but his hurt was clear across his face. He felt a wave of nausea wash over him. He hunched over and threw up.

“You're disgusting Silas. A worthless drunk.” Luci said.

“Please don’t go.” Silas said, voice cracking. “Please. I am sorry.” He said.

“It’s too late for sorries you poor sod, though I am sorry I called you worthless.” Luci replied. “I do hope you find shelter from the rain that is coming and hopefully you don’t die. Maybe I will see you around. You are rather entertaining.” She said a bit sarcastically.

“Fucking fuck you.” Silas slurred.

“Crazy drunk.” Luci whispered and turned away.

_You dumb fuck up._ **Crazy.** _[Silas is nothing more than worthless shit.]_ **Crazy.** _You're better off dead._

“Shut up!” Silas screamed and got sick again.

Silas got down on his scraped knees and watched Luci walk away. He went to take another sip of gin to rinse his mouth but the bottle was empty. He cursed to himself. He blinked and Luci faded from view. He stood and kicked a stone on the ground at his feet and went back to the wall. He took a seat once more and leaned back against the level grass behind him. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes. He fell asleep there.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

_ 19 July 2006 _

**Worthless.** _[Silas is dead. Silas can’t answer you.]_ **Worthless.**

It was nearly noon and the chatter was loud inside his head. Silas was dead asleep in the woods. He was covered in his own sick and laying face down in the dirt. He had blood in his hair and mud caked onto his cheek. His breathing was shallow and wheezy. He twitched and muttered as nightmares wracked his mind. His body wanted to shut down but his mind was very much on the go.

“Silas?” The voice belonged to Luci.

**Worthless.** _[Silas is dead. Silas can’t answer you.]_ **Worthless.**

Silas whimpered and felt that someone was close by.

**Worthless.** _[Silas is dead. Silas can’t answer you.]_ **Worthless.**

Luci was down on her knees and leaning right over Silas. She shook him gently, trying to wake him. Silas cursed quietly and rolled onto his back. He threw his arms across his eyes, covering himself from the light.

“Silas?” Luci whispered again.

**Worthless.** _[Silas is dead. Silas can’t answer you.]_ **Worthless.**

She poked him in the nose a few times. Silas reached to brush the tickling sensation away. He sniffled and groaned in pain.

“No. No go away.” Silas mumbled and turned onto his side, away from Luci.

**Worthless.** _[Silas is dead. Silas can’t answer you.]_ **Worthless.**

Silas curled himself into a fetal position and tried his best to ignore whatever it was trying to wake him up. Luci touched his shoulder and gave him a gentle shake. Silas curled tighter around his legs and leaned away from the touch of Luci. He was awake but didn't open his eyes.

**[Wake up and kill yourself.]**

“You have to wake up now.” Luci said and was stroking over his back soothingly.

“There isn't any food.” Silas said clearly but sleepily. “Leave me alone Luci.” He mumbled and his eyes were still closed.

“Silas. You have to wake up.” Luci said, a little louder.

“Leave me alone.” Silas said with a groan.

Silas felt awful. Every bone in his body ached, every muscle was tense. His eyes wouldn't stay open if he tried. His mouth was dry and tasted like he'd licked the bottom of a dumpster. His stomach ached and the pounding in his head was unbearable. He didn't want to wake up. He'd given up and wanted to be left alone, forever.

“Silas, please get up.” Luci said.

“No.” Silas snapped, eyes still closed.

“Silas, you need to eat. At least drink some water.” Luci said.

“I have nothing!” Silas shouted.

“Let's go looking. I can hear your stomach. You haven't eaten in three days.” Luci whispered, stroking her hand up and down his spine.

“Just let me die.” Silas mumbled.

Silas leaned into her touch and moaned quietly. Suddenly, he sat up with a start. The action caused him a great deal of pain. His eyes finally opened and he looked at Luci then down at the ground.

“I don't want to go.” He said with a sob. “I’ll stay here to die.” He whispered.

Silas tried to lay down but Luci reached for him and kept him sitting up.

“You have to go.” Luci said. “You need to eat.” She said.

Silas knew she was right. His stomach hurt and grumbled at him. He was a mess. He just wanted to die. He had nothing. He was nothing.

**[Keep starving yourself you worthless shite.]** _ [Silas will die eventually. He can speed up the process.]  _ **Worthless.**

Luci looked at him and her expression was one of pity. Silas hated feeling pitied. Her expression really exasperated his feeling of hitting rock bottom.

“Do you have any alcohol?” Silas asked. “Anything I can snort or smoke?” He added, eyes desperate.

“I've got nothing Silas.” Luci said. “Just like you. I've got nothing.” She sighed.

“Fuck.” Silas groaned.

He laid back down and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. He dropped his hands from his face and looked up at the branches above him. He could see Luci in his peripheral vision but he found trying to see her hurt his head even more.

“I want to die!” He shouted.

“Come on. I know where we can find something.” Luci said and stood up.

“No.” Silas sighed.

“Yes. Let's go.” Luci said, looking down at him. “Do you remember nothing about last night?” She asked him.

“No?” He said, confused.

**Worthless.** ‘Stop it.’

It took a moment but Silas got himself up off the ground. His legs felt weak and the terrible pounding in his head increased tenfold. He reached out towards Luci and took a few staggering steps.

“Luci, it hurts.” Silas said.

“What hurts?” She asked him.

“Everything.” He sighed. “Everything hurts.” He whispered.

“You want to give up? You want to die, don't you?” Luci said, looking him in the eyes.

“Yes.” Silas said.

He'd been out on the streets for two months. He was constantly sick and things got harder and harder for him as the days went by. No one ever stopped to help him and he started to feel invisible. He was thankful for Luci. She was strange but always came to him.

“I can help you, Silas.” Luci said. “All you have to do is ask.” She whispered.

“You can't help me. No one can help me.” Silas tried to argue.

“I'm not no one.” Luci replied. “Just ask.” She said.

Silas took another few steps and stopped. He dropped to the ground, exhausted. Luci stopped walking and looked down at him again. She still looked like she pitied him again. 

“Fuck!” Silas screamed. “Just kill me.” He whispered.

“No Silas.” Luci said firmly. “I won't just kill you.” She said.

Silas closed his eyes and when he opened them again, it was dark and Luci was gone.


	13. Chapter 13

2011

“I told Noak about my schizophrenia.” Silas said.

He was sitting in Andrea’s office. He was picking at his nails as he looked across at his therapist then at the window behind her. His hands were shaking and he couldn’t focus on her sitting there. His mind was anywhere but present. He was doing his best to pretend to have his shit together though that was the furthest thing from the truth.

“What made you change your mind? Last time we met you told me you didn’t want to tell him.” Andrea asked.

Andrea was well aware how out of sorts Silas was behaving but for the time being she waited for him to bring it up. If he didn’t on his own, she would before the session was over. She could tell he was agitated about something. Her eyes dropped from his face and down to his hands. The shaking was obvious but the dried blood around his nails hadn’t been at first. She knew that Silas picked at his fingers when things started to go bad.

“I don’t know.” Silas said, not bringing up the episode that had prompted the reveal. “I guess, I felt he needed to know. I trust him Andrea, more than I’ve trusted anyone before.” He said.

“And how did he react?” Andrea asked, jotting down a few words on the blank page beside her.

“He didn’t run away.” Silas said and let his gaze settle on the woman before him. “He told me that he wanted to be with me.” He said and sounded upset.

Silas looked away again. He closed his eyes and sighed. He wanted to be somewhere else. He didn’t care where. He wasn’t up to facing Andrea that day.

“And why do you think that’s a bad thing? You sound like you didn’t want that kind of reaction.” She said.

Silas looked back at her and shook his head.

“Fuck you. I wanted that answer from him, don’t tell me I didn’t. I don’t know what I’d do without him.” Silas said, a little angry.

“Alright Silas, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.” Andrea said. “Now can you tell me what you mean?” She said.

“It means I love him Andrea.” Silas said.

Neither spoke for a minute. Silas looked away again and his eyes settled on her bookshelf. He started to count the books to distract himself from everything that was swirling around inside his head.

“Have you told him this?” She asked.

Silas looked back at her. He shook his head no and started to chew at his bottom lip. He was picking at his nails again.

“He told me he loved me.” Silas said. “It was after I told him about my condition.” He added.

“Do you think he does?” Andrea asked.

“I told you, I trust him.” Silas snapped as an answer.

“So you trust that he meant it when he said it?” She said, unflinching at the snap.

“Yes.” Silas said, pulling his legs up onto the chair.

He wrapped his arms around his shins and rested his chin against a knee. He continued to look at Andrea. He was still chewing on his lip and had started to tap his foot unconsciously.

“Do you want to say it back to him?” She asked, scribbling more on the paper.

“No.” Silas said.

“Why not?” She asked.

“Makes it real.” Silas said, eyes welling with tears. “When it’s real, people leave.” He added, looking to the floor.

“Don’t you trust that he wouldn’t go?” Andrea said.

Silas was quiet for a minute, thinking it over. He nodded his head and closed his eyes.

“I don’t trust that I won’t.” He said eventually and looked back to his therapist.

Andrea nodded at his answer. She wrote something down. She reached for and plucked a tissue from the box on her desk. She handed it to Silas when she noticed he’d done damage to one of his fingers.

“That’s another issue Silas, one we haven’t touched in a long while. Would you like to get into that again right now?” She asked him.

“No.” He answered quickly.

“Is there another matter you’d like to discuss with me?” Andrea asked, wondering if he’d bring up his distraction and agitation. “Why are you picking your nails?” She asked.

“I need a refill on my tranquilizers.” Silas said, ignoring her question.

“Not long ago, you said you hadn’t needed them in months.” Andrea said. “Why have you avoided my question? Why are you picking your nails? I thought you worked through that habit.” She said.

“I know what I said. I haven’t been able to sleep without them.” Silas said. “I need a refill. I don’t want to answer your question so I won’t.” He said, glaring at her.

Andrea sighed. She wrote a few more things down and shifted in her seat. 

“Silas, are you messing with your medication?” She asked.

“No.” Silas said, flat out lying to her.

“Are you lying to me?” She asked, careful in her tone.

“No.” Silas lied again. “Why the hell would I do that? They help me.” He said.

“Silas.” Andrea said, looking at him like she didn’t believe any of it.

“Andrea.” He sassed back.

“I will ask you again. Are you messing with your medication? Please, I want you to be honest with me. I am here to help you.” Andrea said.

Silas sighed heavily. He got up from his chair. He looked across the space between himself and Andrea.

“I am not messing with the meds. I am not stupid but I am done here. Now please, I need the script for the tranquilizers.” He said.

Andrea took a deep breath and looked across at Silas.

“Please, sit back down Silas. We are not done here.” She said, speaking calmly.

“I’m done.” Silas said but took his seat anyway.

“Thank you.” Andrea said once he sat back down. “I will take your word about the medication and I will make sure you get a script before you go but I want you to talk to me. What is wrong? I know it’s something.” She said.

“I don’t know.” Silas said, biting his lip. “I don’t know.” He repeated.

“Is it something to do with work? Is something happening there?” Andrea asked, willing to explore all the options for her patient.

“Work is fine. Has been fine since I switched to part time.” Silas said.

“Is it anything to do with Noak?” She asked next.

“I don't know. I don’t think so.” Silas answered. “No. No things with him are fine.” He whispered.

“You say you can’t sleep without the pills, do you know what has changed?” She said.

“Nightmares.” Silas whispered.

“Every night?” She asked, and wrote something else down.

“Most. The voices too. They’re loud; they keep me up.” He said. “All of them.” He added.

Andrea put her pen down and leaned closer to Silas. She looked at his face and she was frowning.

“Zacharias?” She asked though her gut knew his answer before he said it.

Several years before, Andrea had Silas give names to the five main voices that were part of his symptoms. It helped him to keep track of them and also helped her to teach him they were not real. She explained that by naming them it gave him the control over them and the power to not listen to anything they said. Zacharias was the voice that scared Silas the most. It was an unpleasant sounding voice and it was always negative and nasty. It often told Silas to hurt himself. When Silas found himself in times of weakness, he couldn’t ignore the instructions. It had been years since Silas heard this particular voice.  

“Yes.” Silas whispered.

“Silas, I am sorry.” Andrea said and took hold of his hand. “Have you done anything to hurt yourself?” She asked next.

Silas turned his arm in her hand and rolled up his sleeve. He showed off a series of deep scratches, most of which were healed and all without bandages.

“He wanted me to drown myself.” Silas whispered.

“I am happy you didn’t.” Andrea said. “How long ago did this happen?” She asked.

“I don’t know.” Silas whispered. “A few days.” He added with shrug.

“Why didn’t you call me?” She asked.

“I could handle it.” Silas said and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

“You know Zacharias is not real Silas. The voices aren’t real. You don’t have to listen to them. You don’t have to hurt yourself.” Andrea said as she rolled his sleeve back down for him and squeezed his hand. “Silas, I want you to call me.” She said.

Silas pulled his arm away and sat curled up on the seat again.

“Try telling them they aren’t real.” He said, looking at Andrea through tearfilled eyes. “They make me feel really real things and I don’t know why they aren’t as easy to brush off anymore.” He said.

“Do you want me to up your doses on the meds? I can do that for you, if you think it might help.” She said.

Silas nodded his head. He had no plans to continue taking them but she didn’t need to know that.

“Alright, I will write you two scripts.” Andrea said and scribbled something on the page. “Do you think that the return of this voice is what is making you this distraught?” Andrea asked him. “Can you think of anything else that is bothering you?” She said.

Silas sat there and looked back and forth between his therapist and the wall. He made the switch of attention a dozen times before he settled on her.

“Luci found me.” Silas whispered and looked away. “I saw her outside London and a few nights ago, she got into my house.” He said.

“Oh, Silas. Why didn’t you lead with this?” Andrea asked. “Luci is a big deal for you, I know this, but like the voices, she isn’t real Silas. Luci is just a hallucination of yours. She is part of your schizophrenia. We have been over this.” She said.

“No. Fuck that Andrea” Silas said. “Luci is real. Luci is dangerous. She tracked me down and she was in my house. She found me. Don’t fucking tell me she isn’t real.” He said.

Andrea frowned and her eyes were filled with deep concern for Silas.

“Silas, listen to me.” She said. “I need you to listen, please.” She said.

“No, I won’t listen. You listen.” He said getting choked up.

“Silas. I need you to calm down and take a few deep breaths for me.” Andrea said.

“I need you to stop telling me she isn’t real. Please, just believe me. I know she’s real.” Silas sobbed. “Why won't you believe me?” He whispered.

Andrea looked at Silas, looked at him like she knew he’d been lying. She hated to play the accusatory card but it was all she had.

“You stopped your meds. I know you did. I need to know why.” Andrea said.

Silas stood up. He looked down at his therapist.

“We’re done here.” He said and left, without another word. He never got the prescriptions he needed.


	14. Chapter 14

Silas didn’t like to go out for dates, at least that was before he met Noak. They'd gone quite frequently and Silas was getting used to it. A week had passed since their last one and they hadn't been able to see one another because of Noak's busy work schedule. Silas agreed to take a train into London to meet his boyfriend for dinner. He sat in the corner of the lobby of the seafood restaurant he was supposed to meet him at. It was crowded but not enough to make him feel uncomfortable.

_ You’re gonna fuck this up again. [He should leave now.] _ **Worthless. Shit.** _ You should turn and go home. [He's not even in the right place.] _

“Shut up. I'm not going home.” Silas muttered.

He closed his eyes and his mind was a buzz of thoughts, reminding him of all that could possibly go wrong this time. He wondered if maybe he was in the wrong place. Silas worried that Noak might be upset with him, as he didn't think their last date had gone so well. It'd ended rather abruptly when he had excused himself from dinner to use the toilet and never returned. He never explained himself to Noak either, even though it had been a week.

_ You look pathetic. [He's all dressed up and Noak won't show up.] _ **Worthless.** _ Noak hates you Silas. Everyone hates you. [Noak set him up.] _

Silas was dressed nicely but didn't cross over into the realm of formal attire. Noak had described the place as a bit nicer than casual but it wasn't some place that required anything too fancy. Silas wore dark grey dress trousers and a blue button down shirt. He didn't bother with a jacket or tie, he hated them, as he was forced to wear them at school and church growing up. His shoes were a pair of clean and hardly worn black work boots, that were uncomfortable from lack of use. Glancing up he spotted Noak walking up the sidewalk from the parking lot.

_ [The bastard showed up.] He's only here to break your heart. Leave now. _

“Stop it, please.” Silas whispered and stood up from the seat he'd been waiting in.

"Hey Love." Silas said just as soon as Noak entered the place. He was forcing himself to be extra cheerful to compensate for how off he felt.

Noak looked up at the sound of Silas's voice and smiled brightly at him. "Hey yourself." He said and leaned down to give his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek.

Noak was dressed in a jumper that was a deep gun metal color and some seriously arse hugging black jeans. He’d done something different with his hair. Silas thought he looked amazing, not that he ever thought he didn’t.

"Sorry again about last time." Silas said, looking genuinely upset about how poorly their last date had gone. "I can explain when we get to the table." He said.

_ You have nothing to explain. He knows that you're a piece of shit. _

Noak couldn't help but stare at Silas and he liked how he looked all dressed up. It was strange seeing him not in a pair of skinny jeans and ill fitting shirts.

"Don't be sorry. It's alright." Noak said. "You look very nice tonight." He complimented Silas.

_ [What a liar. Getting Silas's hopes up.] _

"Thank you." Silas said, beaming at the compliment.

Silas was glad Noak noticed he looked good. It wasn’t often that Silas made the effort. He still wasn't sure he looked his best, worried he'd look silly dressing in clothes he wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable in. Silas always prefered comfort to looking good. After receiving a comment from Noak about it, he believed it was worth it.

“For you.” Noak said and presented a half dozen red roses, wrapped in green craft paper.

Silas blushed but smiled thankfully. “They're so nice.” He said, trying not to cry. “You really shouldn't have.” He whispered.

Silas wasn't used to receiving gifts. It was touching and he wasn't sure how to react. He settled on giving Noak a hug and pushing up onto his toes to kiss him quickly.

“I wanted to.” Noak replied. “A token to show how much I missed you.” He added.

“I missed you too Noak.” Silas whispered. “Ready?” He asked.

Noak nodded and led the way across the waiting area to the front podium. There wasn't a host or hostess around but they assumed someone would be right back. Silas followed close behind. A short blonde girl with bright green eyes came around the corner and smiled at them. She reached for a pen and the list on the podium.

"May I help you gentlemen?" She asked. "Do you have a reservation?"

"We do." Noak said. "For two. Deh name is Martensson."

Silas looked up at Noak. “Reservations?” He whispered, impressed.

The blonde smiled and checked the name off the list. She grabbed two menus from a bin to the side and turned towards the corner she'd just come around.

"Right this way." She said looking back and walked towards the side dining room.

_ She's staring because you're hideous. [He shouldn't ever leave the house.] No good Silas.  _

Noak looked down at his boyfriend. "Come on." He said, grinning.

Noak reached out and took the smaller man’s arm. Silas smiled at the contact and shifted so that their arms were linked at the elbows. He fell into stride with Noak and the two followed the hostess towards the table.

The room was not crowded. It was just after eight, likely not going to get crowded either. The tables were round with white linen clothes draped over them and dark blue glass votive candles in the center. The chairs were dark wood.

Silas watched the hostess set the menus down on the table in front of each chair and he parted from Noak so he could take a seat on the far side of the table, facing the entry. He set his roses down to the side and waited until Noak was seated before lifting the menu. The hostess smiled and told them their waiter would be over shortly. Noak smiled at her and said his thanks. He looked across the table at his boyfriend and smiled wider.

"You really do look amazing tonight." Noak said, adding, "Not that you don't any other time I see you."

_ Disgusting. He's lying to you. _

“You're just saying that because we haven't been together for a few days.” Silas said, thankful for the dim lights as he felt a blush creep up his neck and onto his cheeks at the repeated compliment.

“Dats not true.” Noak replied.

"Well, thank you. You look amazing yourself, Love." Silas said. "You always look amazing to me." He added with a smile.

Noak picked up his menu and opened it, taking time to read over the list of choices. From time to time, he'd glance up to look at Silas. Once or twice they'd caught each other looking across the table. Silas smiled and laughed quietly, setting the menu down but not taking his hands from the edge.

"So what looks appealing to you?" Noak asked.

Silas pursed his lips. “You do.” He whispered.

**_Yeah he does._ **

Noak chuckled quietly.

“I've missed you.” Silas said. “I know I said that before but I did. God, I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, Sweetheart.” Noak said with a smile.

_ Ugh, you're disgusting.  _ **_Ditch out on dinner and ask him to fuck._ ** _ You're disgusting. [He makes us sick.] _

Silas frowned. The voices had been quiet for most of the day. He was upset they started up once he left the house.

"Assuming you've been here before, can you recommend what's good? I was looking at the salmon dish because that looks decent. I don't really like seafood but cooked right, salmon is okay. I don’t like rice though, maybe they can swap it for mash. Can you swap things in places this nice?" He rambled on.

"I didn't know you don't like seafood. Why didn't you say anyding? I have not been here before. I dought we could try it. John says it’s got good food. He brings his girlfriend here all the time.” Noak said.

“I thought you liked it so I didn't say anything. I don't hate it, so don't worry. I'm glad to be here.” Silas said.

_ No you aren't. [Silas is a liar. A worthless liar.]  _

Noak looked at Silas, tilting his head. “Next time, tell me.” He said.

“Alright.” Silas whispered.

As the hostess had said, the pair were joined by their waiter shortly after sitting down. He introduced himself as Michael and told them the specials.

"Would either of you care for a drink?" He concluded his little spiel with the question. “Wine is complimentary.” He added.

"I'll take a glass of Coke." Silas said, looking at Michael.

"Deh same, please." Noak said.

Michael nodded and wrote it down on his little notepad. "Do you need a few moments to decide on food?" He asked.

Noak looked across at Silas and he shook his head. He looked back at Michael.

"No. We're both going to have deh salmon and could one of dem have potatoes on deh side, instead of rice?" Noak said.

Michael marked his pad and nodded.

"I'll bring the Cokes out momentarily and some bread while you wait on the entrees. Would you like butter or seasoned oil for the bread?" He said.

"Butter." Silas said.

Michael walked away and Noak turned his attentions back to Silas.

“What if I wanted oil?” Noak asked, only teasing.

_ Fuck up. _

“Did you?” Silas ask.

“No.” Noak replied.

“Then shut up.” Silas said laughing.

"Well, aren’t you absolutely charming tonight." Noak said lightly.

Silas smiled at him and looked around the room. When his eyes fell back on his boyfriend, he sighed happily.

"Thank you for ordering. I hate that part." Silas said.

“I know. You’re welcome.” Noak said.

Silas looked down at the pristine tabletop, no longer having the menu in front of him to distract him from just gazing across the table at Noak. He was feeling nervous again. He took a deep breath, trying his hardest not to look as nervous as he felt. Noak looked across the candle lit table at Silas.

“How have you been feeling?” Noak asked.

Silas shrugged. “It was a rough week.” He said.

"Did you want to tell me what happened last time we were out?" Noak asked, wondering if this was the right way to start their conversation. “Why you ran off and left me at deh pub?”

Silas still felt bad about running out on Noak like he did. He figured he owed Noak an answer, he was just hoping to postpone it a little longer. The topic was breached so he just went with it. 

"Yeah, um about that," Silas started, looking away then back at Noak. "I saw someone come into the pub after us, someone that has hurt me in the past. I panicked and I left.” He whispered.

Noak looked at Silas. He wasn’t mad or upset about it. When he realized that he'd gone too long without responding, he cleared his throat.

"Why didn’t you say someding den?" Noak asked. “We could have left togeder.” He added.

Silas looked down at the tabletop and not at Noak. He was chewing on his lip. Slowly, Silas lifted his head and looked at the other man.

“I didn’t mention it because everyone tells me that she isn’t real.” Silas whispered. “I didn't want you to think I was being crazy.”

“You're not crazy, Sweetheart.” Noak said, reaching across to put his hand over Silas's. “But I'd like you to talk to me, don't run away from me.” He added.

“I'm sorry.” Silas said quietly and pulled his hand away when he spotted the waiter approaching.

Michael returned to the table with their glasses of Coke, interrupting the conversation. He set down a small basket of bread and butter as well. He stepped back and headed to another table. Silas looked at the bread. He reached for a piece, pulled it off the loaf and bit into it.

“Who is everyone?” Noak asked, backtracking but still keeping up with everything Silas had said. “What do you mean dey don’t believe you?” He added.

He picked a piece of bread for himself and took the time to spread some butter across it before taking a bite.

“My therapist. The um, the police. They say she’s a symptom. I know she's real.” Silas whispered and looked up at Noak. “They’re wrong.” He said.

Noak nodded slowly. He didn’t know what to say to that.

“Well, if it helps, I believe you.” Noak said, smiling softly. “I mean, I have no basis to back dat you’re right or wrong.” He added.

Silas nodded his head.

“You won’t believe me for long. Everyone else doesn't.” Silas whispered.

“I’m not like everyone else Silas.” Noak said and lifted his glass to take a drink. “I will believe you as long as I can.” He said.

Silas nodded. 

_[He’s going to figure out you’re just crazy Silas.]_ **Worthless.** _He’ll know you lie for the attention._ **Worthless.**

"Your dinner will be out shortly. Is there anything else I can get for either of you?" Michael said as he stopped by their table.

"I'm fine." Silas said to him, smiling politely.

Noak looked at Michael and nodded his head, fine as well. He looked back to Silas and reached across to touch the back of his hand.

"Listen to me Sweetheart, I believe you. I want to help you, but you have to tell me dings." Noak whispered and let his touch linger a bit longer before pulling away. 

Silas looked up and Noak kept his eyes locked with his as he reached for his glass again. Noak held it out and offered a toast, smiling.

"To having someone believe you." Noak said.

Silas smiled at him, raising his own glass. 

"To being believed." Silas whispered, tilting the edge of his glass to clank against Noak’s.

They brought the glasses to their lips to drink.

"So do you want to tell me a little about dis?” Noak asked. “I'm curious." He said, setting the glass down after a second sip.

Silas set his glass down. He reached his hand up to push back a strand of hair that was falling into his face. He tucked it behind his ear and looked back at Noak.

"What do you want to know?" Silas asked, not having the first clue as to where to begin.

Noak couldn't take his eyes off Silas. His little movements were endearing. He thought it was cute the way his hair kept falling into his face and how he'd hurry to push it back. He couldn’t ignore the sadness and fear in his eyes either. He felt worried for him.

"Anyding at all. Whatever you'd like." Noak answered, reaching for another slice of bread.

Silas took a moment to think his words over. What could he tell him that wouldn't make him sound crazy?

_ You’ll sound crazy no matter what. _ **Damaged.** _ [Crazy old Silas.]  _ ‘Stop it.’

Silas felt suddenly warm and a little dizzy. He reached for his glass and took a small gulp of soda and set it down.

"I met this girl, well woman, back in 2006. Her name is Luci" Silas started. "Um," He paused, feeling nervous again.

Silas shut his eyes and when he opened them again he looked at Noak.

“Back in 2006, when we met, we were both living on the streets of London. I didn’t have anywhere to go when I’d left my last relationship.” He said quietly. “She found me after a month.” He added.

_ [Stupid Silas.]  _ **Worthless.** _ What a sob story, you loser. _

Noak sat quietly, just listening. He was not judging Silas, not at all.

"I had gotten out of an abusive relationship. I was alone and out on the streets for a few months. Luci found me and we became sort of friends." Silas said, laughing a bit to ease the tension building inside his mind. “We weren’t friends. I don't know what we were. We spent a lot of time together. She and I would get drunk together and do lots of drugs and it was just a real mess.” He whispered.

Noak was holding onto his glass again, very close to being empty. He took a last sip, draining it.

"Silas, I had no idea you’d lived out on deh streets." Noak said, heart aching the more he was hearing about it.

“It was better than the shit my ex had been putting me through.” Silas whispered. “I was only out there three months. Luci was a fun distraction from the pitiful existence I had been living but eventually she got me into trouble and fucked me over. It was my diagnosis of schizophrenia that saved me from any jail time. I ended up in a mental hospital for more than six months. She really fucked me up.” He said, looking down. 

Noak could sense that Silas was nervous talking about it, but didn't bring that up because he wanted him to calm down. Silas took his soda and finished it off as well.

"I’m going to want more." Silas said.

"Yeah. Me too." Noak said about the drinks.

Silas shrugged his shoulders and reached for the bread. He broke off the end piece and picked at it, rather than eat it.

“I really don’t like talking about this Noak.” Silas said, looking up. “Not here.” He whispered.

“You don’t have to,” Noak whispered, “but I’m ready to listen if you decide you'd like to.” He added.

"I saw Luci the day we went for the hike. She was outside the cafe. She scared me off." Silas said.

Noak nodded, remembering the incident. Silas thought about telling Noak about Luci getting into the house but as Michael walked by and Noak waved him down for more drinks, Silas decided to forget it.

“I, um, I saw her again, the night at the pub last week.” Silas whispered. “That’s why I got up and left. I just went home. I should have told you sooner. I am sorry. Don’t be mad at me.” He said.

Silas left out telling Noak that Luci had followed him home and spent an hour talking to him. He never mentioned that Luci knew about Noak, something that Silas himself didn't understand.

“I am sorry Silas.” Noak said. “Sorry dat you seem so upset over dis woman. I am not mad at you for leaving, just please, I want you to tell me dese dings. I want to help you.” He said.

The shorter man shrugged. Noak had nothing to be sorry for. A silence fell between them and lingered until their refills came to the table. Silas took his right away and drank half of it down. When he set his glass back down, he ate the piece of bread he had started to crumble.

“It’s alright, the bread.” Silas said with his mouth full. “You like it?” He asked.

Noak nodded. He liked the squishy insides but wasn't a real fan of the crispy crust.

"S'good." Noak said, also with his mouth full. "Really good actually." Noak said laughed a little. "Sometimes its deh little dings like the bread quality dat make a particular restaurant the best choice.” He said.

Silas smiled and laughed. The awkward quiet seemed to fade away. Noak was about to say more when Michael returned carrying a tray. He balanced it on one arm and served each of them their dishes.

"And speedy service too." Silas whispered with a grin.

Silas looked down at the food in front of him and then at Noak’s plate. He realized Michael had mixed their plates around so they switched.

"Dis looks really really good." Noak said.

Silas nodded his head.

"Indeed so." Silas agreed. “And it’s way too much. These servings are massive.”  He whispered.

"I'll be back to check on you shortly. Bon Appetit." Michael said and he walked away to take care of a new table of customers who'd just been seated across the room.

Noak lifted his glass again. Silas raised his glass and clinked against Noak’s before both took a sip.

They set into eating the food in front of them. The silence was not uncomfortable and they just enjoyed their meal and time together. The two of them chatted about trivial things as they ate, both nearly clearing their plates. The food really was fantastic. Silas was glad Noak picked the place. Soon the dishes were cleared away and they were laughing and joking around with one another as they neared the end of their date.

They had been talking for a while, allowing dinner to digest before another waiter came by, telling them Michael had gone on break and if they were ready for dessert he could bring them a menu.

"Sure." Noak said. "Dank you." He added.

Silas took the menu from the waiter and gave the short list of all delicious sounding treats a quick glance. He handed it to Noak.

"I ate way too much as it is, but I don’t mind sitting if you’d like something." Silas said.

He let his fingers brush across Noak’s wrist as the menu transferred hands and he caught his eye, grinning. Noak grinned back, all too aware of the touch to his wrist. It was small and could have been passed off as accidental but the look Silas gave him, told him it wasn't.

"I might want cake.” Noak said. “Would you like to share?” He asked and handed the menu back.

Silas bit his lip and took it. He glanced at the cake option and read its description. It did sound rather good. He nodded his head.

“Alright fine, but if I get sick, it’s on you.” Silas said, pointing at Noak with the corner of the menu. 

"I don’t want you to get sick Silas." Noak said.

“Order the damn cake.” Silas said with a laugh. "Sharing is a good idea." He said, tilting his head to the side.

The second waiter, whose name was Corey, returned and asked if they had decided. Noak looked up at him and smiled.

"Yeah. I dink we're a bit too full for dessert." Noak said. "Just deh check, please." He requested.

Silas looked at Noak and grinned stupidly.

“What the hell?” Silas asked. “I wanted cake.” He said.

Noak shook his head and looked at his boyfriend as if to say really?

Silas laughed. “Order the cake, please.” He said.

Noak waved to get Corey’s attention again. When the man came over, Noak apologized then ordered the cake and asked for two forks. Silas hid his face in his hands, still laughing quietly.

“Thank you.” Silas whispered, looking at Noak shyly.

“It’s because I love you Sweetheart.” Noak said, smiling.

Silas sighed. He wanted to say it back but he didn't.

The dessert was brought to the table, along with another round of drink refills. The two sat there, picking at the cake and starting up a game of Questions. Noak and Silas had no intentions of leaving the restaurant just yet. It never got crowded so there was no real rush to clear themselves from the table. They had finished with their cake minutes earlier but sat there deep in conversation.

“First celebrity crush?” Noak asked.

“I never had one.” Silas replied.

“Seriously?” Noak asked.

“I wasn’t allowed telly or movies growing up and I was too busy crushing on real people.” Silas said in means to explain. “It’s not that I am embarrassed, honest.” He said.

“Fair, can I change my question den?” Noak said.

Silas smiled at him and nodded his head.

“First crush, non-celebrity.” He said.

Silas closed his eyes. When he opened them again he looked at Noak. He told himself he was fine to tell him this. He was over it. 

“His name was Tim.” Silas answered. “He was a few years older than me. I was thirteen when I met him.” He said.

Noak nodded his head.

“Okay. Okay. Last question for you.” Silas said, picking up his soda and finishing what was left. “What did you want to be when you grew up?” He asked.

Noak held his glass in his hands, resting it on the table in front of him. He looked at Silas and tilted his head in thought. A smile crossed his face. It was quite an easy question to answer.

“An astronaut.” Noak answered after little consideration.

Silas laughed, the sound quiet in the dull chatter around them.

“I should have known, spaceboy.” Silas teased. “Where is our waiter? I want a refill.” He said and looked around.

Noak chuckled at the spaceboy nickname. He joined Silas in his search for the waiter. He finished off his soda, figuring he’d get a refill too. Silas spotted Michael first and pointed him out to Noak, too anxious to wave him down himself. Noak did it without a problem and they each ordered another drink, something to get them through the end of there game.

Noak smiled at Silas and pushed his empty glass towards the middle of the table.

“Same question.” Noak said.

“Not fair. You can’t call same question.” Silas said.

“Fine.” Noak said, sighing. “How about, dis game is almost over, I am over it so I call same question.” He added, laughing.

Silas laughed as well. He smiled at Noak.

“Fine. I will allow it.” Silas said. “Priest.” He answered without hesitation.

“Ca’dolic or Protestant?” Noak asked.

“Hey, you don’t get a bonus question.” Silas said and was laughing.

“Ja I do.” Noak said.

“Catholic.” Silas said with a laugh. “I even went to seminary school, never finished.” He said.

Noak looked at him with wide eyes. He couldn’t see it. 

“Wow.” Noak said. “I swear, no judgement but I did not see dat coming.” He added.

“Yup. Could you imagine? I’d be terrible at it.” Silas said, laughing at himself.

Noak shook his head no. He could not see Silas as a priest, not at all.

“Why did you decide not too?” Noak asked.

“I fell in love with someone, my best friend. It was Tim.” Silas answered. “It was complicated. Can we not talk about it?” He said.

“Ja. We don’t need to talk about it.” Noak said.

“Besides, now I enjoy sex too much.” Silas said with a smile. “I’d have been terrible as a priest.” He said.

Noak got quiet for a minute.

“I'm under deh impression dat you have a world of experience on me.” Noak sighed and took a sip from his glass.

“Don't think like that.” Silas said and met Noak’s eyes.

Silas was quiet and looked across at Noak, elbows resting on the table. Noak sat up a bit and sighed again. He looked over at his boyfriend.

“Most of what I’ve done was lost to blackouts and use of selective memory. It's all meaningless now.” Silas said. “A lot of bad shit happened when I would go on drug binges. My ex-boyfriend used to whore my mouth out for pills.” He added.

He didn't talk about his past very often but over the weeks they'd dated, Silas was opening up to Noak more and more.

“A terrible ding.” Noak said quietly.

Silas hummed affirmatively. Noak closed his eyes and opened them again.

“I’ve never had sex before.” Noak whispered.

Silas looked at him with wide, curious eyes.

“Really?” Silas asked, surprised.

“I never really met deh right sort of guy, I guess.” Noak said, sounding sheepish and embarrassed. “No one ever stuck around long enough anyway.” He sighed. 

Silas reached across the table and cupped his cheek. He smiled softly at him. Silas’s hand fell to Noak’s shoulder. He sighed and pulled his hand away to rest on the table.

“Love, don't feel ashamed of that.” Silas said. “Never feel ashamed of that.” He whispered.

“How many guys have you-” Noak started to ask then stopped. “No, it does not matter.” He said instead.

“Penetrative sex was with two.” Silas answered him anyway. “I've blown too many to count.” He said with a nervous laugh.

“I've had one girl and one guy go down on me before I met you.” Noak said. “Noding to write home about. Your skills are worlds above deirs.” He added with a laugh.

“Damn right they are! Skills for days.” Silas said, laughing. “No gag reflex.” He added with a wink. 

Noak blushed.

“I've had a few guys go down on me, a long time ago. It was nice but I prefer to give than receive.” Silas continued. “Ever given a blow job?” He asked, curiously and reached out to wrap his fingers around his boyfriend's hand. 

He and Noak entwined their fingers. Silas gave the hand a squeeze and smiled at his boyfriend. 

“Once.” Noak said in response to Silas’s question. “Deh guy came in less dan a minute and he left pissed off at me like it was my fault.” He added.

Silas laughed quietly and leaned over the table to kiss Noak. He licked over Noak's bottom lip then flicked his tongue up over his top one. The kiss was quite brief and Silas leaned back in his seat.

“Let’s get going.” Silas whispered, eager to get out of the restaurant.

“Hmm, ja.” Noak whispered, just as eager.

The pair got up and Noak went to settle the bill. Silas had gone to the toilets. He didn’t want Silas to see how much money he’d just spent. The restaurant was on the pricey side. It was way out of the realm of what Silas could afford but Noak could easily afford it. When they met in the lobby, Silas took Noak’s hand and held onto it as they made their way to the car. Before getting in, Silas turned to look at his boyfriend.

“Hey.” Silas whispered. “Can I ask you something?” He asked.

“Hmm?” Noak hummed, putting his hands on Silas’s hips.

“You don't have to answer if you don't want.” Silas said. “What is the right sort of guy for you when it comes to sex?” He asked.

“Your sort.” Noak answered immediately.

Silas pushed Noak against his car, pressing his hands against his chest. He smiled up at the larger man. Noak bent his head and brushed his lips over Silas’s. His eyes closed and he sighed against pouty lips. Silas groaned and kissed him deeply. 

“Fuck it's hot to hear you say that.” Silas sighed and traced his finger over Noak’s lips as he spoke. “Shit Love, I'll let you fuck me tonight, I mean, if you’re into it.” He said. “No rush, if you’re not. I'm game when you're ready.” He added.

Noak gave the smaller man’s hips a squeeze and pushed him away.

“John’s away all week. Did you want to come to spend deh night at my place?” He said.

“Yes.” Silas said quickly. “Yes, I’d like to do that.” He whispered and walked around to the other side of the car.

Once they were on the road, Noak turned to look at Silas. Silas was looking out the window and didn't see it.

“So, did you want to watch a movie when we get dere?” Noak asked, not quite ready to bring up the topic of sex again.

“Sure.” Silas said, turning to look at Noak.

“How about  _ Star Wars _ ?” Noak suggested. “I won't subject you to my vast collection of horror just yet.” He said.

Silas smiled and nodded.

“Sounds good.” He said. “I was going to say, I'm sorry but horror is not my thing, like at all.” He added.

“Maybe one day.” Noak teased.

“Sure. When Hell freezes over.” Silas said and laughed.

“Hey, it could happen.” Noak said, smiling.

“A lot of things could happen.” Silas whispered and reached to put his hand on Noak’s thigh.

“Dis is true.” Noak whispered.

The rest of the drive was quiet.


	15. Chapter 15

Silas followed closely behind Noak on their walk from the car park. They were holding hands with their fingers laced. Once inside, Noak let go of Silas’s hand and flipped the hall light on. Two of the three bulbs were out and he turned in the dimness to look at Silas who was closer behind him than he thought.

“Sorry I need to replace dose.” Noak said, stepping back. “You do know it’s just us here; John is in Amsterdam for deh week wid his girlfriend.” He said.

“I know.” Silas whispered and stepped closer to the taller man, wrapping his arms around him from behind.

“You're like, hovering behind me, being all shy.” Noak whispered, turning in his arms.

“Am not being shy.” Silas said, looking up with a smile. “I just want to be close to you.” He whispered, but took a step away.

Noak smiled back and gently tugged Silas’s arm, pulling him into a loose embrace. He held the smaller man against him and pressed soft kisses down the side of his neck. Silas leaned into the taller man and pushed up on his toes and pressed his lips against Noak's. Noak kissed back and wrapped his arms more tightly around Silas. Eventually Silas pulled back and stared up at Noak.

“Would you be okay skipping the movie for now?” Silas asked and ran his hands down Noak’s arms to take his hands.

Noak nodded slowly. He squeezed Silas’s hands and let them go. He pulled Silas into a tighter hug, letting his arms circle the lanky body.

“You feeling alright?” Noak asked.

Silas nodded. “I am.” He said.

Silas moaned as his boyfriend's hands slipped down and covered his arse, giving a gentle squeeze. Noak held his boyfriend steady as Silas pushed up to meet his mouth again. Noak sighed happily into the kiss. Silas kissed back but soon settled back.

“Take me to your bedroom.” Silas murmured against his boyfriend's chest.

Noak led Silas to his bedroom. He turned the light on and despite being alone, he closed the door behind them. He did not bother to lock it. Noak unzipped his coat and took it off. He hung it on the back of his door. Silas shed his coat and Noak hung it for him, over his own. Silas stepped back, kept his eyes on his boyfriend and moved backwards through the room to sit on the bed. He scrunched his sleeves and slouched backwards against the mattress. He worked a few buttons open, feeling stuffy in the dress shirt. His beanpole legs hung over the side, knees and thighs slightly parted. Noak stood towards the middle of his room and looked over at Silas. He thought Silas looked really good in his bed and he wanted to see more of it. Neither man said anything for a minute or two.

Silas looked around to take in his surroundings; he believed a lot could be said of a person on how they kept their space. Most of the area of the room was taken up with the bed he was lying on. Two walls were lined with ceiling high bookcases, most of which were full of books and DVDs. The wall opposite the bed had a small dresser with a television and two gaming systems. The dresser also held an ipod docking station and various toiletries, like hair gel and deodorant. There was one night table to the left of the bed with a lamp and an alarm clock that wasn't plugged in. The wall behind the bed was covered with three band posters, none of which Silas recognized. Silas felt Noak's eyes on him and after he looked around, Silas let his gaze settle on his boyfriend in the middle of the room. 

“What are you thinking?” Silas asked quietly.

Noak shrugged. “A lot of dings.” He said. His mind was racing but he couldn't decide what to say first.

Silas pursed his lips. “Come on over here, Love.” He said and sat up again.

Noak walked over to the side of his bed and stood in front of his boyfriend, between the gap in his legs. Silas reached out and held loosely to his boyfriend's waist. He had his face turned up, looking at Noak's with longing in his eyes.

“Climb into bed.” Silas said with a smile. “Kiss me.” He whispered.

Noak got into bed, straddled over Silas and leaned to kiss him. Their lips met and moved together. Noak’s tongue slid against Silas’s. Silas moaned. He pulled back slightly, just to breathe against Noak.

“I'm so turned on right now.” Silas mumbled, dragging his lips down the side of the other man’s neck. “I keep thinking about how I want you to fuck me.” He whispered.

Noak hummed. He touched Silas softly, petting over the center of his chest. His mind was racing over what Silas had just said. He thought about their conversation after dinner. His body buzzed with excitement.

“Are you nervous?” Silas asked quietly. “You're trembling.” He added in a whisper. Silas pressed a quick peck on Noak's lips and shifted back so he was more centered on the bed. “I won't rush you.” He said.

Noak looked at Silas and had the same longing gaze in his eyes that the smaller man did. He licked his top lip.

“I’m not nervous.” Noak whispered. “And I know you won't.” He said.

Silas smiled and ran his hand up and underneath the front of Noak’s jumper. He pressed his palm against his heated skin, raking his fingers through the fine hairs on Noak’s chest. 

“I want to make you cum, Love.” Silas said with a bite to his lip and flicked his thumb across one of Noak’s nipples.

Noak groaned and his eyes fluttered closed. He opened them again and looked down at the smaller man. Silas reached with his other hand to take Noak’s. He pulled it to his face, kissing his fingertips. He nipped the middle one.

“You want my mouth tonight?” Silas asked and dragged his lips down over Noak's palm. “I don't want you to fuck me if you're not ready. We can take it slow, go at your pace.” He mumbled against the skin.

Silas pressed a kiss to Noak's palm, then another. He turned his hand to kiss the back. He licked Noak’s knuckles. Noak leaned down and breathed against Silas’s neck. Silas took Noak's middle finger into his mouth. He ran his tongue over the digit and closed his lips to suck on it. He pulled his other hand out of Noak’s shirt. The taller man moaned softly, kissing Silas’s neck and used his free hand to stroke through his hair. The two shifted to lay more comfortably against one another. Silas palmed his boyfriend’s cock through his jeans. Noak’s finger slipped from Silas’s mouth, dragging it down over his chin and let his fingers settle over his throat. He bit his own lip when Silas started to rock the heel of his hand against him.

“You know Sweetheart, I never had a decent blow job until I met you and you have given me six dat were way better dan good.” Noak said with a breathy laugh.

“Wanna make it seven?” Silas whispered with a smirk and pulled Noak’s lips against his own.

“Mhmm.” Noak moaned and sighed between kisses.

The two kissed a little bit longer. Silas started to slowly rock his hips against his boyfriend’s thigh. He was a little bit hard. He hoped it lasted. Noak stopped kissing Silas and met his eyes. After a time, Silas stilled. He sat up and pulled his shirt off and dropped it on the floor. He got comfortable against the mattress. He pulled Noak down for more kissing. Silas’s hands moved to Noak’s shoulders and they kissed a little while more. It was Noak who stopped the kiss. He closed his eyes and his hand fell from Silas’s hair.

Silas kissed down Noak's neck. “Can I ask you something? Um, it's maybe a bit odd.” He breathed against his skin and moaned as he rolled his hips against Noak's thigh again.

“Ask me anyding.” Noak whispered as he dragged Silas’s lips back up to his own and kissed him.

“Do you still have your fancy dress costume? The one from Halloween.” Silas said as he leaned away from the kiss and rolled his hips. Silas moaned as Noak pressed his fingers into his side and squeezed. “Harder.” He whispered.

“Ja, I dink so.” Noak replied and tightened his grip on Silas, just enough to bruise. “Why?” He asked, a little breathlessly as Silas rolled his hips again.

“Put it on for me?” Silas whispered.

Noak sat back and looked down at his boyfriend. There was confusion in his eyes, wrapped up with amusement.

“Now?” Noak asked.

“Yes.” Silas whispered. “Please.”

Noak reached out to cup Silas's cheek. Silas turned his head and kissed his palm.

“I keep thinking about you wearing it,” Silas said. “And how much I want to see you dressed like that again. God, Noak, when I first saw you it took a lot of effort not to jump you.” He murmured, trailing kisses up Noak's covered arm. “You looked so hot.”

“Really?” Noak asked, smiling.

“Hmm.” Silas hummed. “Part of the reason I left was because I didn't trust myself. Believe me though, I won't ever do anything you're not comfortable with.” He whispered.

“To be honest, I'd have let you.” Noak said, running his fingers back through his boyfriend's dark hair. “I don't believe in love at first sight, but dere was an immediate attraction.”

“Put on the costume.” Silas said. “I'll show you how badly I wanted to. How badly I still want to.”

“Deh make up too?” Noak asked lightly, tracing his fingers down Silas's side.

Silas moaned, feeling Noak’s hand brushing down his thigh. “No, just the shirt and collar.” He replied.

Noak tickled along his boyfriend's inner thighs. Silas moaned deeply. “You liked it dat much?” He asked.

Silas nodded. “You looked so fucking good in it.” He whined. “Please, tell me you will.” He whispered, then gasped at the feel of Noak's large hand rubbing against his half hard cock.

Noak smiled at the gasp and Silas responded with another roll of his hips. Noak was surprised and pleased to feel the other man was hard. He pulled his hand away.

“Noak, please?” Silas whispered.

“Okay.” Noak said, leaning away from the smaller man. “I will go put it on.”

Silas smiled. He shifted back, settling towards the top of the mattress. He watched as Noak climbed off the bed and stripped off his jumper.

“Keep those jeans on a bit longer though; they do wonders for your already perfect arse.” Silas said.

Noak turned to Silas and blushed.

“You dink so?” He whispered.

“Hmm, I do.” Silas sighed and bit his bottom lip. “You have a wonderful arse, Love, and I quite enjoy how tightly they fit around the front as well.” He said.

Noak laughed quietly and crossed the room to his closet. He opened the door and rummaged through his things until he found the black button down shirt with the paperboard clerical collar tucked into the breast pocket.

“You really want me to do dis?” Noak asked, turning to face Silas once more.

“I do.” Silas replied and got up onto his knees. “You don't have to if you feel weird about it.” He said, wondering if he was being too pushy.

Noak slipped the shirt on and worked to fasten the buttons. He turned back to the closet and shut the door. When he turned back towards the bed, collar slipped into place he could hear Silas groan out loud. He watched him touch himself through his clothes.

“You really like dis, don't you?” Noak said.

“Oh fuck, you have no idea.” Silas replied, dropping his hand to his side. “Get over here.” He said with a smile and bent down, kneeling on all fours.

Noak took the few short strides towards the bed and half knelt down on the mattress, keeping his feet planted on the floor. He watched as Silas crawled towards him, with smooth, cat-like movements. He licked over his lips as Silas settled down before him. His breath hitched when Silas kept his head down but rolled his eyes up.

“Fuck, Noak. I want you so badly right now. I'm so fucking hard for you.” Silas whispered, palming himself through his trousers.

Silas moaned and leaned closer to Noak, nuzzling against the obvious bulge in his tight fitting jeans. “I have a serious kink and you hit it right on the head.” He said, face pressed against his crotch.

Noak moaned quietly and reached to hold onto Silas's shoulder, grounding himself as the smaller man mouthed over the outline of his cock. He felt himself twitch at the sensation.

“Costumes?” Noak questioned, gasping at the feel and heat of his boyfriend’s mouth against him.

Silas sat back and let his eyes settle at Noak's neck. He felt his cock twitch again. “Priests.” He whispered, reaching up to run his fingers over the collar. He lifted his gaze to look into Noak's eyes.

Noak looked at Silas but said nothing. Silas frowned, thinking Noak was judging him poorly for the admission.

“Do you think I'm disgusting?” He asked.

“No.” Noak answered quickly. “Silas, not at all.” He said.

“Do you, um, think I'm weird?” Silas asked next.

Noak smiled at him. “Ja, I do but not about dis. I enjoy how wonderfully weird you are, Sweetheart.” He said.

Silas smiled softly. “Can I tell you a secret?” He asked.

“Anyding.” Noak sighed.

“I lost my virginity to a priest.” Silas whispered looking up at his boyfriend's face.

Noak looked at Silas and said nothing. His eyes were wide.

“It wasn't anything weird. I was nineteen. He was twenty four. It was totally consensual. He was my best friend.” Silas explained.

Noak reached out and cupped the side of Silas's face. He traced his thumb along his cheekbone. Silas leaned into the touch.

“I left the seminary after that. I decided then, that my life needed to go in a different direction.” Silas whispered. “He, um, he stayed with the Church as far as I know.”

“Dat's not someding I can say I've ever heard before.” Noak said, laughing quietly. “I'm not judging you.” He said.

“I never outgrew the kink.” Silas whispered.

“Clearly.” Noak said with a smile.

“Tell me Love, are you up for a little roleplay?” He asked.

Noak laughed. He'd never tried roleplay but he was willing. “If dat will make you happy.” He said.

“It will.” Silas whispered and reached out for Noak's hand. “I will call you Father, keep it nameless. Call me something too, don't use my name.” He said.

“Okay.” Noak said.

“Really get into it. I will too.” Silas said. “Play it up for me, Love. I promise, it's fun.”

Noak looked into Silas’s eyes, as the smaller man led his hand down between his legs.

“Look what you do to me.” Silas whispered, rolling his hips against Noak’s palm. “Tell me, how does it make you feel?” He sighed, pressing a kiss to Noak's throat. “Does it make you feel dirty, Father?”

“Hmm, so dirty. It feels good.” Noak replied.

“Hmm, yeah.” Silas said with a moan. “Feels so good.”

“I want to see you naked. Can I?” Noak said.

He knew Silas had been very self conscious about his inability to keep an erection, that Silas felt embarrassed, even though he had known about the issue for a while. He knew Silas felt comfortable in his clothes, covered. He wondered if maybe now that he'd stopped his medication and the side effect was gone, he'd be willing.

“You want to see me naked, Father?” Silas asked, coyly. He sat back and licked over his lips.

Noak moaned at his words. He thought it might be strange, but he found it pleasantly dirty. He liked the way the title rolled off Silas’s tongue. He buried all fear of being uncomfortable and found himself nodding.

“I'd like dat very much.” Noak said, changing his tone of voice. He was speaking a little deeper than normal and tried to sound like he was in a position of higher authority. “Please? Will you do dis for me, for God? He's watching.”

Silas moaned out loud. He really liked the sound of Noak's voice like that. He wanted to hear more of it. He smiled and reached out to stroke his boyfriend’s cheek, loving the feel of his beard scratching his palm.

Noak dipped his head lower to kiss Silas. Silas kissed him back, running his hands up and down Noak's sides. Noak pushed Silas gently and climbed back into the bed. He kissed him hard and deep, drawing moans from the smaller man. They moved around, shifting and touching until they found a comfortable position.

Silas ran his hand over Noak's chest and his fingers touched something hard in his breast pocket. Leaning away, he reached into it and pulled out a set of rosary beads. He looked at them and then up at his boyfriend.

“May I, Father?” Silas asked, slipping them over his head before Noak could answer.

Noak nodded wordlessly. He watched the little black beads and silver tone crucifix lay against the pale expanse of his boyfriend’s chest.

“Pull on them.” Silas whispered.

Noak wrapped his fingers around the beads and pulled Silas closer to him again. Their lips crashed together and they kissed. It was sloppy and wet. Silas groaned into Noak's mouth. Noak used his other hand to scrape his nails down Silas’s back, leaving scratch marks that raised the otherwise unmarked skin.

Silas whimpered into Noak's mouth, turning his head to kiss down the side of the taller man’s neck. He murmured quietly, encouraging Noak to keep squeezing the rosary against his skin. He peppered kisses over his throat and licked over the collar at his neck.

Noak sat back after some time. Silas put his hands on Noak’s chest, palms pressing into pudge and muscle through cotton. He smiled at the larger man. Noak turned his head and brushed his lips over Silas’s. His eyes closed and he sighed against pouty lips. Silas groaned and deepened the kiss. He pushed Noak gently, laying him flat on his back.

“You want me to do a little strip-tease for you Father?” Silas asked playfully and shifted backwards. He slid off the mattress, found his footing, and stood at the foot of the bed.

“Yes.” Noak said, licking over his lips. “Strip for me, sinner.” He commanded softly.

Silas shivered under Noak's gaze. He felt his stomach flutter at his tone again. He put his hands over his flat belly and slowly moved them up, tracing along his ribs. He smiled at Noak as the taller man bit his bottom lip.

“Shame, I’m already half naked. This is gonna be a short tease. I feel bad I already took my shirt off.” Silas whispered, tracing one hand up the center of his chest and closing his fingers around the crucifix. He brought it to his lips and licked over the cheap metal before putting it in his mouth.

“I don't.” Noak replied hotly, watching as Silas’s other hand moved to tease a nipple.

“You're so fucking filthy, Father.” Silas purred and winked at his boyfriend. He turned away, shaking his hips to an internal beat.

“You make me want to sin.” Noak said, eyes fixated on Silas's little arse wiggle.

Silas kept his back to Noak and continued to move his body to the song that was playing in his head. His hips swished and swayed. He moaned around the crucifix in his mouth, turning his head just enough to catch his boyfriend's eyes.

“You make me want to sin too, Father. Make me want to do more than confess when I'm on my knees.” Silas groaned, turning the front of his body back towards the bed.

He had one hand down the front of his trousers, delicately teasing himself with two fingers. He looked right at Noak as he let the rosary fall from his lips. His eyes fluttered as he touched himself. His hips were still moving, body shaking gently from side to side.

“I want your cock in my mouth.” Silas moaned. “It's much more fulfilling than the cross.” He sighed. “Bigger. Thicker. Mmm, oh yeah.”

Noak felt his breath catch. His eyes were drawn to the movement of Silas’s hand, as he slipped it from his trousers and brought it up to his mouth. Noak groaned rather loudly as he watched Silas lick his fingers clean of pre-cum.

Silas smiled around his fingers. “You like that Father? You like watching me put things in my mouth?” He asked, sucking on his middle and index fingers.

“Ja.” Noak sighed, losing his deeper tone for a moment.

“Good, I like putting things in my mouth. Some say I've been cursed by this oral fixation. I like to think I've been blessed by it.” Silas said and stilled his hips. He climbed onto the end of the mattress. He knelt over the larger man. “I can confess to you all the things I like putting in there Father.” He whispered.

Silas scooted up and sat straddled over Noak's lower belly. Noak looked up at him. His eyes were open and his pupils had expanded. Silas smiled and reached behind him. He palmed at Noak's erection through his jeans.

“I can tell you all the other places I like to put things too.” Silas moaned, giving his hand a squeeze.

Noak reached up and took the rosary between his fingers once more and twisted them tightly, so the beads pressed firmly into the skin of Silas’s neck. The smaller man gasped and started to moan loudly as Noak rolled his hips up, grinding against his arse. After a moment, Noak let go and Silas fell forwards and kissed him deeply.

“You still want that blow job, Father?” Silas asked with a smile as he sat back, teasing his covered erection with deft fingers. “My mouth is like heaven.” He whispered. “And you know you can get in.”

Noak groaned at the words but shook his head no. “Not yet, my son.” He said, using the deeper voice again.

“Oh fuck.” Silas whimpered, feeling his cock twitch.

Noak rocked his hips to press against Silas’s hand. His cock jumped and swelled. He closed his eyes as Silas reached out to stroke his cheek with his free hand. His already tight jeans were becoming more uncomfortable. He moved his hand between Silas's legs and teased him through his trousers.

Silas bit his lip and moaned. “Oh God, oh Father, yes. It feels really good when you do that.” He sighed breathily.

“Don't you dink it'd feel better widout the clo’ds in deh way?” Noak asked. “Finish stripping my son, deh Lord and I are waiting.”

Silas climbed off his boyfriend and sat down at his side. He slid his hand over the button on his own trousers and his body shuddered. The look Noak had in his eyes, shut down Silas’s discomfort being naked around others. He was convinced he'd do anything for the man sitting before him.

“Oh Father.” Silas sighed. “Will seeing me naked please you and the Lord?” He whispered.

Noak smiled at him. “It will please us, yes.” He said.

Silas unbuttoned his fly, fumbling with the zipper. The waistline slid down his hips as he leaned forwards, bringing his lips back to meet with Noak's. They kissed, both a little distracted. Silas hadn't worn pants. Noak slipped fingers into Silas’s trousers, tugging them down as they kissed. Silas sat back breathing heavily. His cock was partially exposed, his fly wide open but not quite low enough to show everything. He was still hard and leaking heavily.

“Can I take off your jeans and boxers, Father?” Silas asked and turned to face his boyfriend. “I want you to keep the shirt on.” He said.

Noak’s eyes closed and he nodded. He sighed deeply as Silas worked his fingers to get his belt and fly open for him. Silas smiled and hummed as he tugged down the zipper and palmed the hard cock through Noak’s boxers. He cupped his palm over Noak. Silas pressed their mouths together and kissed his boyfriend. Silas rolled his hips, turning his body so their cocks would touch with every roll. Noak gently raked his hands down Silas’s sides.

“Fuck.” Silas whispered against Noak’s lips.

Noak sat back and kicked off his jeans and slid out of his boxers in the process. Silas looked at his boyfriend's body, shivering at the thought it was his to play with. Naked, from the waist down, Noak blushed under Silas’s intense gaze.

“Fuck, you're so sexy.” Silas whispered. “Do you know how sexy you are, Father?”

Noak looked away shyly. He licked over his lips and looked back at Silas.

“As sexy as you, my son. God has made us all in his image.” Noak replied, deep voice back in place.

Silas groaned, turned on even more by Noak’s efforts. He reached out and touched the collar. He stroked Noak's hair with his other hand and kissed along his chin. Noak responded with a thrust of his hips. Silas pet his fingers over Noak’s chest and sides. He smiled when Noak shivered. They kissed for a while and continued to roll their hips together. Silas was breathing in short pants. Noak made quiet grunts.

Noak settled in the space between his boyfriend’s legs. His weight rested partially against the smaller man’s pelvic bone and his hands rested on the mattress next to his neck. Silas closed his eyes and continued to roll his hips up into Noak. He whimpered and moaned. He teased his own nipple for a moment and drew a groan. Noak stopped kissing him to just look at him like he was the most beautiful thing in the universe.

“Silas.” Noak whispered, using his regular voice. He nipped down the side of his neck.

Silas moaned. He moved his hips against Noak with a bit more purpose. Silas reached for Noak’s face and pulled him into a slow and lazy kiss. Silas’s cock pressed against Noak. Noak kissed over the sharp cut of Silas’s jaw. He licked over his neck and sucked at his collar bone. Silas moaned out loud. He started rocking his hips up off the bed again, gently grinding against Noak. He sighed, frustrated. He lost his erection.

Noak whimpered as Silas’s hand closed over the head of his cock. Long narrow fingers teased Noak, stroking his length. Silas mumbled apologies and kissed over Noak's shoulders. He sighed, breath hot against his throat.

“Shh.” Noak said. “Please don't apologize.”

Noak sat back and it changed the angle of Silas’s touch. Silas shifted, kicking his trousers to the floor. He dipped his head briefly, licking the head of Noak's cock a few times. Silas groaned at the taste. He was stopped as Noak put his hand against his shoulder and gave a push like he wanted him to sit up. Silas sat and looked at Noak, confusion in his eyes.

“Can I blow you instead?” Noak asked.

Silas felt his belly flop. He looked at Noak, unsure about what he should say. It wasn't often that someone offered to give Silas a blow job.

“I might not get hard again.” Silas whispered, upset.

“Will you cum?” Noak asked.

“Maybe.” Silas sighed. “Maybe not.” He added.

“Will you enjoy it?” Noak asked.

Silas nodded, biting his lip.

“Den let me.” Noak replied.

“Yeah. Okay. Um, do you want me on my back or sitting or-” Silas said and his question trailed off.

Noak had dropped eye contact and was staring between Silas’s legs, seeing his cock for the first time. It was obvious even while soft, Silas was extremely well endowed, more so with the length than thickness. He was circumcised and had a Prince Albert piercing through the head of his cock. Along the shaft was a tattoo spelling out SATAN in a fancy lettering that matched the ornately inked line work, depicting scenes from Revelations in the Bible, that covered his inner thighs. Noak reached out to touch his boyfriend's cock with one hand, and the tattoos on his left thigh with the other. Even though Silas wasn't hard, the tip of his cock was wet.

“Holy shit Silas.” Noak whispered. “I dink your dick is bigger dan mine.” He added with a breathy laugh.

Noak never thought badly about the possibility, but he'd wondered if maybe Silas had been so reluctant to remove his clothes because he thought himself too small. That was obviously not the case.

“Yeah.” Silas whispered, biting his lip nervously. “Though not as thick. God, yours is massive, Noak.” Silas sighed, meeting his boyfriend’s eyes a bit shyly.

“Um, it's twenty-four centimeters if I get hard.” Silas added. “Is that um, a problem?” He asked.

“No.” The taller man said, eyes wide in awe.

Silas laughed quietly. Noak loosely wrapped his fingers around Silas’s cock and gave him a couple of strokes. Silas whimpered quietly. Noak played with the piercing and continued to softly stroke him. Silas hummed in appreciation.

“Did dis hurt you?” Noak whispered and fingered at the piercing in his cock head.

Silas sighed and closed his eyes. His body shuddered at Noak’s touch. Noak played around with the barbell for a moment more.

“A bit, yeah.” Silas said. “Worth it though.” He added with a cheeky smile. “It feels really good.” He sighed and his body shuddered again.

Silas gently pushed Noak's hand away. He held his cock in a way he could show off a second piercing. There was a small barbell horizontally through the sensitive skin between his cock and ball sack.

“This one hurt worse.” Silas said with a sigh, running his fingers over it. “A lot worse.” He added.

Noak reached out to touch the jewelry. Silas sighed again. Noak teased Silas lazily. He traced his fingers over the letters of his tattoo.

“And dis?” Noak questioned.

“I don't, I don't really remember.” Silas answered as he closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands.

The tattoo was there after a three day Valium and gin binge when Silas was twenty one. He hated it. He hadn't wanted the tattoo, never would have done such a thing, and never remembered asking to have it done. Silas kept the thought to himself.

Noak gently pulled Silas’s hands away and leaned to kiss his mouth. He nipped at his bottom lip and pulled it between his own. He sucked it gently. Silas moaned. He deepened the kiss and pulled Noak closer. Noak put his hand back around Silas’s cock, just holding it. Noak stopped the kiss and leaned back. He started a light and slow stroking motion.

“Oh, oh my God.” Silas groaned. It'd been years since a touch not his own stroked him like that.

“Would you like me to start?” Noak asked, feeling a bit nervous but slipping into the deeper voice again.

Silas’s stomach fluttered at Noak's tone. He decided from that moment on, the deep voice was going to be Noak's priest voice and he was going to ask to hear it often. He nodded his head and put his hand on the taller man’s shoulder.

“Yes. Oh yes, Father. I want your tongue all over my cock. Worship it with that mouth of yours.” Silas said and appreciated Noak was still using the voice and was dressed in the shirt and collar.

Noak smiled and licked his lips. He moved away from Silas to lay out between his legs. He dipped his head and licked over his cock. He traced the length a couple of times before he took the head into his mouth.

“Fuck.” Silas whispered.

Noak worked his tongue around his boyfriend's cock head, over and over again. He flicked his tongue, teasing at the piercing. Silas got very quiet. His breathing was even and heavy. His eyes closed and he let himself relax under Noak's repetitive and hypnotic actions. After several minutes Noak sat back, Silas’s cock slid from between his lips.

“Do you like dis?” Noak asked and wondered why Silas got quiet when he was usually so vocal.

Silas opened his eyes and looked at Noak, dazed. “Yeah Love.” Silas whispered. “Feels nice.” He added.

Silas let his eyes close again and his head fell back as Noak thumbed over his tip. Noak pressed kisses against his cock and nuzzled against his balls. Silas put one of his hands on Noak's shoulder, keeping himself steady as Noak's licks became bolder and wetter. Silas was whimpering. Noak started kissing along Silas’s hips and down his thighs. Silas’s body shuddered.

“Ah, fuck.” Silas whispered when Noak bit his thigh.

His other hand rested on the back of Noak's head. He played with his hair and gave a pull. Noak licked at a sensitive spot by the surface piercing.

“Can we try something, Love?” Silas whispered, pushing on his shoulder.

Silas took his hand off Noak and moaned into the bend of his elbow; Noak was kissing over his balls. His body arched off the bed as he trembled. Noak sat back flicking Silas’s PA piercing before looking at his boyfriend. Noak moved to wipe his lips clean of the pre-cum. Silas grabbed his hand to stop him.

“No. Kiss me.” Silas whispered and pulled Noak down to his mouth.

He kissed the taller man, tasting himself on his lips and tongue. Silas’s cock jumped. Noak moaned into the kiss. He started to gently rut against Silas’s hip as their kisses got deeper and went on for longer. Silas put his hands on Noak’s cheeks. He pulled his lips away and sighed.

“Can you turn and lay over me?” Silas asked, making a hand gestures to indicate how he wanted to try for the 69 position.   
  
“You want to-” Noak started.

“Yeah.” Silas sighed, smiling.

Noak carefully shifted around until he was leaning over his boyfriend's cock. Noak’s cock was at Silas’s lips, as he straddled the shorter man's face. Silas poked his tongue out and licked at the tip of Noak's cock. He teased at his foreskin a moment then stopped. Noak shivered.

“You okay with this?” Silas asked and gave the taller man's arse a squeeze.

Noak moaned affirmatively and took Silas’s cock back into his mouth. Silas took Noak's cock into his mouth, moaning at the taste and he closed his fingers around the middle. Noak groaned and it caused Silas to shudder again. Noak was hard and starting to leak pre-cum. Silas pulled back his foreskin and took his head into his mouth.

“Fuck.” Noak groaned, Silas’s cock sliding out of his mouth.

Silas used this undistracted opportunity to suck at Noak harder and faster. He swallowed down most of Noak’s pre-cum but left some to act as lube. Noak was groaning and breathing heavily. He was cursing in both English and Swedish. Silas pulled away to catch his breath.

“What can I do for you to make dis better?” Noak asked quietly against Silas’s navel.

“It's good, Love. You're good.” Silas said. “Keep going.” He encouraged, breathily.

Silas placed his hand lightly to Noak's hip. He lifted his own leg and placed it carefully behind Noak's head. He gently guided him back to his cock. He didn't move it once Noak was positioned. Noak licked at the tip before he moved to the shaft. He reached his hand up and brushed a tickle across Silas’s balls. Silas sighed and his voice cracked over a soft moan. He opened his mouth and went back to teasing his boyfriend's cock. The room fell mostly silent, only the sound of their actions resonated in the lull. Noak started to breathe heavily and his loud pants filled the room. Silas was sucking at his balls and jerking him off. Noak lapped at Silas’s cock and nuzzled at the base then by his belly.

“Suck me harder.” Silas whimpered. “C-can you take it deeper?” He asked, moaning.

Noak responded by doing just that, though Noak didn't share his boyfriend’s deep throating abilities. He gagged and pulled back, muttering an apology. He took a few deep breaths before trying again. The same thing happened so he settled on just teasing the tip with his tongue. Eventually, he put the head in his mouth and hummed around it.

Silas was moaning a little louder. His leg slid down off of Noak’s neck and fell back to the mattress. Noak pulled off and picked Silas’s cock up into his hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed it and licked it and Silas was shaking. He was half hard again.

“Yeah Noak, oh God yeah..” Silas whined quietly.

He repeated it each time Noak pulled up and away, dragging his tongue from base to tip. They did this for close to ten minutes.

“So fucking close.” Silas whispered against Noak’s belly. He wasn't quite sure though, feeling completely hopeless at that point.

Silas licked at Noak's cock but started to lose focus. He sucked at the tip, working his tongue around the foreskin. Noak gasped and moaned.

“Don't stop.” Silas pleaded. He was right there, suddenly, teetering on the edge. “I promise, I'm close.” He said and held tightly to Noak's hip. “Fuck don't stop, m’gonna cum.” He groaned.

Silas brought the hand not on his boyfriend's hip to his mouth. He bit at the side of his thumb, his breaths had come in short clips through his nose.

“Would it be weird if I asked you to stick your finger up my arse?” Silas asked, panting.

“Only if you make it weird.” Noak replied, licking the head of his boyfriend's cock.

“Please. Can you do it?” Silas asked, spreading his legs wider. “I won't make it weird.” He added with a shaky laugh.

Noak pulled his mouth from Silas’s leaking cock. He brought his hand to his mouth and spit onto his fingers. Noak used his saliva coated middle finger to circle Silas’s tight arsehole.

“Oh, oh yeah… that's wonderful.” Silas babbled quietly. “Feels… good.” He sighed.

Noak chuckled against Silas’s hip. He turned his face towards Silas’s cock and kissed the side. He took the tip back into his mouth. Noak pressed his finger against the ring of muscles. His finger slipped inside to the first knuckle. Noak worked him, pushing deeper before gently thrusting his finger in and out. He licked at and continued to suck at his cock. Noak's finger brushed Silas’s sweet spot on chance.

“Oh shit!” Silas gasped. “Fuck.” He whimpered. “Oh, I'm Gonna cum.” He cried.

Noak pulled his mouth away and started to tug gently at his boyfriend’s cock. He watched as Silas came, a single spurt against his own leg, cum dripping down his thigh.

_ Disgusting. [He's filth. No good filth.] You'll burn Silas. [Disgusting behavior. Filthy sinner.] You're no good. _

Silas’s body shivered and shook with the intensity of his orgasm. He was all too aware of the voices but tried to block them out. It had been a long time since someone made him cum that way.

Noak dipped his head to lick over his boyfriend's thigh, lapping up the small amount of cum he found there. Silas moaned loudly, feeling Noak's finger slide out of his arse. Noak climbed off Silas and turned so they were both the same way on the bed again. Noak pulled Silas into a kiss. He passed him the cum he'd taken from his thigh. Silas moaned and swallowed it down. He was still shaking and felt utterly spent. He smiled at Noak. After a moment, Silas sat up.

_ Disgusting. No good piece of shit. [Hell awaits.] Disgusting. [He will burn.] _ ‘No. Stop.’  _ You're disgusting Silas. You'll pay. [He must repent. Disgusting.]  _ ‘I said stop.’

“Your turn, Love.” Silas said and forced himself to smile, despite the noise in his head.

Noak moaned quietly. Silas let his eyes fall to Noak's erection. He watched as Noak started to stroke himself.

_ He's disgusting too. You'll both burn. [Silas is no good.]  _

“Oh, fuck that's sexy.” Silas whispered; his voice cracked on sexy and he sounded like he was about to fall apart again.

Noak smiled softly at him. “Y-you like dis?” Noak asked. “I'll touch myself for you if dat is what you want.” Noak whispered.

“I've been meaning to ask you if you would.” Silas whispered and felt his stomach drop. “Please, it really turns me on. The fact you're still in half the costume is an added bonus.” He whispered. “Can you still cum in my mouth?” He asked.

_ Burn. You'll burn you disgusting piece of shit. _

“Ja.” Noak groaned, fairly used to Silas’s cum fetish at that point.

Noak positioned himself, sitting up against his headboard. He sat with his legs opened wide, Silas was between them but a short distance away. Noak closed his eyes and his body hummed with energy as he worked his fist over his leaking head. He used his other arm to hold himself up, leaning his weight against it. Silas watched in silence. Noak had never jerked himself off in front of anyone before but hearing how worked up it made Silas he'd be willing to do it forever.

Silas absently started to stroke his own cock, still soft and very sensitive to the touch. He watched Noak spread his pre-cum down his shaft and worked himself. Silas licked his lips. He wanted to taste him.

Noak mumbled curses and his boyfriend's name a few times. He was making quiet panting sounds as he got closer to his release. Silas reached his free hand out and set it on Noak's shin. He pressed his thumb against Noak's ankle bone. Noak opened his eyes and looked into Silas's. Silas held the gaze. It wasn't long before Noak felt his balls tighten. He groaned.

“Sweetheart.” Noak gasped. “I am going to cum.” He whimpered.

Silas scrambled up the bed and took Noak's cock into his mouth. He licked and sucked until Noak was cumming. Silas sat back, most of the cum ending up on his face. He winced as some splashed in his eye. Noak slumped back and reached out towards Silas. Noak wiped at his eye and mumbled a second apology that night. He pulled the smaller man into his lap, his cock resting against Silas’s arse.

“I made a mess.” Noak said with a quiet huff of laughter.

“Hmm. Can I eat it?” Silas asked and looked up at Noak through one eye.

The question sent a jolt of pleasure to Noak's cock.

“Ja.” Noak whispered.

Silas moaned softly. He closed his eyes. Noak leaned down and licked a streak off his boyfriend's cheek. He moved next to kiss him and Silas moaned at the taste.

“ _ Din kuksugar hora _ . ” Noak whispered against Silas’s lips.

Silas moaned.

“What did you just say?” Silas asked, breathily.

“I called you my cum slut.” Noak whispered, tracing his index finger along Silas’s bottom lip.

“Fuck. I like that. Can you call me that again?” Silas said, pressing a kiss to Noak’s finger.

Silas kissed Noak for a little while longer. Noak wiped the last of the cum from his boyfriend's face with his fingers. Noak held the digits to Silas’s mouth. Silas licked them clean and pressed kisses to Noak's knuckles.

“ _ Din kuksugar hora _ _. _ ” Noak whispered again.

Silas sighed. The pair relaxed against the mattress and continued to kiss slowly and come down for a little while. Silas was resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. He pressed a few last kisses to his neck, tracing his finger over the white collar at his throat.

“Did you want to take a quick shower and maybe we can watch the movie before we sleep?” Silas asked quietly.

“Ja. We can do dat.” Noak replied and hugged the smaller man closer to him.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

When the movie was over Noak stopped the DVD player and turned off the TV. Silas was snuggled up against him, sleepy but still awake. Not having a change of clothes, he was still wrapped up in his towel.

“That was good.” Silas whispered. “Like, really good.” He added with a yawn.

“I told you you would like it.” Noak said, gently prodding his side. “You know dis officially makes you a nerd now.” He added cheerfully.

Silas shrugged; he didn't care for labels. If liking  _ Star Wars _ made him a nerd, so be it. He smiled at Noak.

“Sleep now?” Silas whispered and slipped the towel off and dropped it to the floor.

“Ja. We can sleep now.” Noak said with a yawn.

Noak pressed a kiss to Silas’s forehead before he laid down and hugged Silas close. Silas closed his eyes. He could smell Noak in every breath he took. His shampoo, body wash, and his underlying scent. Silas snuggled closer. He absolutely loved sleeping next to his boyfriend. As he waited for sleep, Silas thought about the man next to him. How gorgeously blue his eyes were. How perfectly he kissed him. Silas thought warmly about Noak's hugs and about his soft belly, muscular thighs and his big beautiful cock, the taste and weight of it in his mouth. Silas shivered gently. He imagined what it might be like filling him. There was a long peaceful quiet before Noak spoke up.

“Hey?” Noak whispered into the darkness.

Silas hummed to acknowledge he was listening.

“I can't fall asleep.” Noak said.

Silas opened his eyes and shifted so his face was even with his boyfriend's.

“Wanna make out again?” Silas asked eagerly, licking his lips.

“Ja, I mean, if you want to.” Noak said with a quiet laugh.

Silas rolled Noak onto his back and climbed to straddle his middle. He pulled the covers over them, creating a cozy space. He leaned down and kissed Noak softly. Noak kissed back and put his hands on Silas’s chest. His palms pressed just below his pectoral muscles, holding the smaller man up at a comfortable distance. Their legs entwined beneath the covers. They just kissed and touched lazily.

The small space was filled with soft and quiet sighs. Noak pressed kisses down Silas’s throat. Silas shuddered and his body warmed. He pushed himself into a more vertical position and wrapped his legs around Noak's middle as the taller man sat forwards. Silas’s ankle pressed to the small of Noak’s back. The covers slid down Silas’s body and pooled at their hips. Silas moaned softly as Noak brushed a fingertip over a nipple. Their lips met again and Noak whimpered against Silas, as Silas put his hand over Noak's pajama covered cock.

“Fuck Sweetheart, you drive me so crazy.” Noak whispered.

Silas flinched at the word.

“You okay?” Noak asked, not realizing he'd said what he did.

Silas nodded, though he didn't like that word. “I'm fine.” He answered.

Noak brushed his lips over Silas’s cheek and flicked his tongue over the lobe of Silas’s right ear. He nipped the skin and kissed down the side of his neck. Silas felt his body warm. His nerves fired at will and his body shuddered. Noak settled his hands on Silas’s bum, gripping the small swell of his cheeks. He gave a not so gentle squeeze.

“Where is this going?” Silas asked quietly and tossed his head back to open more surface on his neck for Noak to kiss.

“Anywhere you’d like it to.” Noak whispered, biting down his neck. He meant it; whatever Silas wanted, he was down.

The taller man sat up further and bit the tendon at Silas’s shoulder. He pulled Silas more securely into his lap. He wrapped his arms around his middle and kissed him hard on the lips. Silas set his hands on Noak's shoulders and sat back, breaking the kiss. He looked the taller man in the eye, just breathing quietly. Silas smiled and closed his eyes. He leaned in to press his lips to Noak’s again. They continued to kiss and touch one another in a soft and teasing manner. Noak traced along the small of his back, lightly brushing his knuckles, tickling over the skin of his back. Silas let his hands tickle down Noak's sides. Noak shivered at the touch. Silas then leaned to kiss over Noak’s throat and chest. He flicked his tongue out to tease his nipples. Noak gasped softly. Silas sucked a bruise just under Noak's ribs.

Noak moaned. He reached out and put his hand on the back of Silas’s head, guiding it up towards his own. He gently pulled Silas’s hair and his lips moved over his temple. Noak was whispering nonsense in Swedish, kissing down his boyfriend's neck. Noak brought theirs lips together and kissed him deeply, moving his tongue slowly against Silas's. He moved away. Silas pushed his arse against Noak’s cloth covered cock and rolled his hips.

“I want you to fuck me, Noak.” Silas whispered; a jolt of pleasure shot to his cock. “Please.” He whined.

Noak moaned a quiet yes. He moved his hands down the front of Silas’s body. He cupped a hand over the soft cock and added just a little pressure.

Silas sighed and rolled his hips into Noak’s palm, whimpering at the friction.

“Do you have condoms?” Silas asked and gently stroked his fingers over Noak's face.

Noak nodded. He'd bought them a week prior, just in case.

“Go get them.” Silas said and crawled out of Noak's lap. “And lube.” He added.

Noak nodded again and got out of his bed.

Silas rolled over and picked up his towel from earlier. He lay it out in the middle of the mattress and turned to watch as Noak walked towards the dresser. Noak grabbed a bottle of lube and box of condoms from the top drawer. On his way back to the bed he stopped to ditch his pajama bottoms.

“Oh Fuck Noak.” Silas whispered. “You should be naked all the time.” He said with a lazy smile.

Silas was palming himself and moaned softly. He slipped his fingers around and gave a few strokes along his shaft. He didn't continue to touch himself for long, instead he put all his focus to watch his boyfriend.

“I haven't done this in such a long time.” Silas said.

Noak said nothing as he climbed back into bed. He sat across from Silas and wrapped him in his arms and legs. The box and bottle dropped to their sides. Silas leaned up to kiss Noak, hard on the mouth.

“Fuck, I've taken toys recently but it's been years since I've had a proper cock up my arse, Love.” Silas mumbled against his lips.

“We can go slow.” Noak whispered and kissed down Silas’s throat.

“I like it fast and hard.” Silas whispered. “But slow works if that's what you want to do.” He added. 

Silas wanted Noak to be comfortable with everything they did. He traced Noak’s eyebrows then down the line of his nose. He pressed soft kisses to his scars. Noak tilted his head and swiped his lips over his boyfriend’s. He started to pet at Silas’s cock, light and gentle strokes. Silas let his head fall to Noak’s chest. Noak circled his thumb across Silas’s tip.

“Oh that is… that's good.” Silas whispered sleepily.

Noak huffed a quiet laugh and smiled warmly at his boyfriend.

“You're sure you're good to do dis now? Not too tired?” Noak asked.

“I'm good.” Silas sighed and smiled at Noak; it was big and bright, went through to his eyes.

Noak ran his nose up Silas’s neck and nuzzled his ear. He pressed a few kisses against it and sucked at the lobe. Silas took Noak by the chin and dragged him to his lips for a kiss. Silas gave his hips a roll and his body shuddered.

“I like getting fucked and I want you to really fuck me.” Silas said and reached out to start stroking Noak’s cock. “And Love, this cock of yours? Hngg.” He added with a shudder. “Every bottom’s dream.” He whispered.

Noak laughed again and popped a peck to the lips of his boyfriend and sat back. He held himself up on one arm. His other lay at his side. Silas knelt right up next to Noak. He was hunched over his middle and licked Noak's cock head.

“Fuck.” Noak whispered.

Silas smiled. He continued to tease at his boyfriend’s cock and eventually took him into his mouth. Silas moaned. He licked and sucked until Noak was panting and shivering. Noak touched Silas’s shoulder.

“Fu- Slow down Sweetheart.” Noak said quietly.

Silas hummed and pulled off. He took Noak's cock in hand and gave him a few lazy strokes. Silas then leaned to kiss Noak on the lips. The kiss was calm and laid back. Silas began to kiss his way down Noak's body, paying extra attention to the spots that made Noak squirm. He couldn't help himself, taking his boyfriend's cock back into his mouth, slowly flicking his tongue across the tip.

Noak whined, low and deep. He reached beside them and he picked up the bottle of lube. He got some in his hand and moved to slide it down between Silas’s cheeks. Silas moaned around the cock in his mouth as Noak brushed three slick fingers over his hole. Noak did this a few times. Silas worked Noak's cock with his tongue until he was rewarded with a fair amount of pre-cum leaking from the tip. Silas moaned, pleased with the taste and feel of it in his mouth. Silas pulled off Noak, when he felt his index finger slip inside.

“Oh yeah.” Silas sighed.

Noak started a shallow thrust of his finger in and out of Silas’s arse. The smaller man made quiet, breathy sounds. He breathed through his nose and moaned softly. Silas felt his cock twitch and swell when Noak brushed his prostate. Silas leaned down to kiss Noak’s cock.

“Add another finger, Love, and some more lube.” Silas with a sigh.

He took Noak's cock back into his mouth. He sucked him, taking him to the back of his throat. Noak moaned. Silas pulled up and Noak groaned. Noak faltered with the bottle of lube and gasped when his balls were suddenly getting all the attention. Silas kissed them both and gave one a slow lick. Silas nuzzled Noak's hip. His hand moved to cup Noak's balls. Silas licked one before he took it into his mouth. Noak was groaning.

“Stop Sweetheart. Gonna cum if you-” Noak said, breathless.

Noak let his finger slip from his boyfriend’s hole and after a moment, he pushed in two. Silas groaned long and loud. He loved Noak’s fingers. He sat up and smiled like he was drunk. He held himself in a manner that Noak still had easy access to work his fingers in and out of his hole. Noak pulled them out and Silas sobbed at the loss. Noak lubed up his fingers again and worked them back inside Silas. Silas cursed and pushed back on the fingers. He groaned.

“You okay?” Noak asked quietly.

“Yeah, Love.” Silas answered, voice wavering and his eyes fluttered. “Your fingers are so fucking big.” He said. “Fuck this feels so good.” He whispered.

Silas took a few deep breaths and started rocking his hips against Noak's hand. He repeated his hip rolls, back over the fingers a few times, working himself open.

“One more Noak. Please.” Silas whispered.

Noak poured some lube directly onto Silas’s arsehole. He worked a third finger into him and the smaller man groaned.

“Fuck yes.” Silas said quietly.

He was stretched wide. His body felt tense but it felt good. There was a sinking feeling low in his belly. Noak used his middle finger to rub against Silas’s prostate.

“Oh fuck Noak. Shit. Fuck.” Silas mumbled against Noak’s chest.

Silas whimpered as Noak did it again. The shorter man kissed down Noak’s body. He kissed a nipple. He licked over ribs and pressed wet kisses against his belly. Noak used his other hand to guide his cock back towards Silas’s mouth. Silas eagerly took Noak in, sucking him gently. Noak moaned and relaxed a little more against the mattress. He stroked Silas’s hair. He ran his fingers through damp locks. He twisted them and gave a pull. Silas was whimpering as Noak tugged his hair and lazily stretched his hole open. Noak cupped Silas’s cheek and met his eyes. Silas let Noak's cock slip out of his mouth with a wet pop. He smirked and sat up.

“Mmm, Love, you taste so good.” Silas whispered, lips glistening with saliva and pre-cum as he looked at Noak. “Fuck Noak. I fucking love your fingers.” Silas mumbled, body shaking.

Noak pushed his fingers deeper into him and Silas kissed over Noak's chin and throat. Noak pumped his fingers in and out a few more times.

“Oh, I could- I could cum like this.” Silas softly cried, hard and leaking heavily.

Silas was pleasantly surprised. His cock dripped pre-cum down onto Noak’s leg. He babbled nonsense and cried out when Noak finally pulled his hand away.

“Fuck.” Silas gasped. “Get the condom.” He whispered.

Silas sat up and moved to straddle Noak. He used his thigh muscles to grip Noak's hips. Noak reached for and held onto Silas’s cock. He gave it a few strokes.

“Fuck Sweetheart, you're so hard.” Noak whispered in realization.

“Yeah.” Silas sighed.

He reached behind him and stroked Noak’s erection. He thumbed through the pre-cum and brought his hand to his mouth. He licked his thumb clean. He moaned softly. The taller man moaned as Silas stroked him. He passed a foil packet to his boyfriend and set his hand on Silas’s waist. Silas shivered at the contact. He worked the packet open with his teeth and tossed it away. Blindly, he slid the condom over Noak's erection. Noak moaned quietly. He tickled Silas’s belly with his thumb.

Relaxing a bit, Silas reached for the lube. He poured some into his palm, reached back and spread lube over Noak's cock and stroked him a couple of times. Silas moved up and pressed his lips against Noak's. They kissed and shifted against the mattress. Silas was still straddled over Noak. He had his arm behind him, hand wrapped around Noak's cock. Silas rested his weight against Noak's thighs, the taller man's legs bent at the knee with his feet flat on the bed. Silas leaned forward.

“You tell me what feels good or bad, okay?” Silas whispered and peppered little kisses along Noak’s jaw.

“Ja. Okay.” Noak said and rested a hand on Silas’s hip.

Noak’s other hand rested up along his neck. Noak lifted his upper body towards his boyfriend and kissed Silas’s lips. Silas kissed him deeply and leaned back. Noak ran his thumb over Silas’s lips and Silas took the digit into his mouth. He sucked on it then let it slide down his chin. Noak groaned.

“Ready?” Silas asked and brushed back the hair sticking to his forehead.

“Yeah, Sweetheart.” Noak said, lost in the green of his boyfriend’s eyes.

Silas shifted back and balanced himself over Noak's cock. He reached back and guided the tip to his hole. Silas pressed back. He moaned at first as he slid down Noak's erection. The taller man moaned loudly, gripping his boyfriend's hips more tightly. Silas gasped and stopped for a moment.

“Fuck. Wait.” Silas said, to himself.

He held himself up on his knees. He reached for the lube and added more to his boyfriend’s cock. Noak had his eyes closed. Silas’s were barely open. Silas shifted back.

“Let's try this again.” Silas said and his eyes rolled as the tip of Noak's cock pressed into him again.

“Oh shit Noak, your cock is so...” Silas said with a whine. “Oh God it's so fucking thick.” He groaned.

He worked his hips a bit, moaning at the stretch and burn. He leaned back, trying to take it all. Silas hadn't had sex in years and was prepared for it to take a while to be comfortable again. He waited as the pleasure sunk in and he sighed. Noak held tight to Silas’s hips. He sat forward and kissed his throat. Noak’s breath came in pants against the side of his neck. Silas rolled his hips and Noak slipped deeper. A wordless groan slipped out.

“Sweetheart, you are so fucking-” Noak groaned against his lips and kissed him. “Fuck you feel so-.” Noak whispered.

“Lay back.” Silas whispered and placed a hand on Noak’s chest, gently pressing the bigger man backwards.

“Oh fuck.” Silas whimpered as Noak slid deeper. “Oh fuck.” He said again.

“Oh my gods.” Noak sighed.

It felt so good, the tight heat and squeeze of Silas's arse muscles around him. Noak settled against the mattress and his hands settled on his boyfriend, one on his hip, the other sat higher on his waistline. Noak stroked Silas’s bare skin, unable to hold his hands still.

“Rock your hips up.” Silas moaned and closed his eyes.

Noak rolled his hips and started to rock them slowly into Silas.

“Good?” Noak asked and gave his hip a squeeze.

Silas sighed heavily. “Good.” He whimpered and arched back again. “Oh fuck yeah.” He moaned.

One of Noak's hands moved from his hip to his cock. Noak stroked Silas absently. Silas was half-hard. He rocked his hips into Noak’s fist. His actions were slow, much like Noak’s thrusting. He rolled his hips back.

“Get me lube.” Silas said, short of breath.

‘ _ Fuck. _ ’

Silas had a split second flash of sensory overload. His body shuddered. He almost came.

Noak reached around blindly on the bed next to him. His fingers closed around the bottle and he passed it to his boyfriend. Silas took the bottle and lubed up his fingers. He gave his own cock a couple of strokes before playing with the tip. He pushed back hard onto Noak with a groan. The hand not around his cock pressed to Noak’s chest. Silas pinched a nipple.

Noak’s cock was repositioned as the smaller man leaned forwards. His cock was halfway in. The taller man worked his hips into Silas and it made Silas curse. They both moaned loudly. Noak’s hand joined Silas’s in stroking his leaking cock.

“Oh shit.” Silas sighed and leaned down to kiss Noak deeply.

“Tell me Sweetheart, how you like dis?” Noak asked, voice cracking.

“I love it. Your cock in my arse. I love it, love you Love.” Silas babbled.

“You like my hand on your dick?” Noak whispered. “You like when I fuck your arse?” He breathed against his neck.

Silas keened. His cock twitched at the dirty talk. He took his hand away, leaving Noak teasing at his piercing and started rocking his hips a little faster. He rolled them down against Noak. He felt him go deeper this time around. Silas was trembling. He leaned his forehead to Noak's then moved to kiss between his eyes.

“Yes.” Silas groaned. “I love it when you fuck my arse.” He said.

His mouth fell open and his eyes rolled back. Silas shuddered when Noak toyed with his cock piercing again.

“Like dat, whore?” Noak asked quietly, testing the foul name.

Silas groaned loudly at the name calling.

“Oh God yes! I'm your whore. Love your big cock inside me. Love your fingers on my cock. Fuck, I wanna cum. Gonna cum, Love.” Silas rambled.

“Fuck, you feel so good.” Noak murmured against Silas’s hair.

“Oh fuck me.” Silas whimpered.

Noak gave his hips a few rough thrusts.

“Whore.” He panted with each.

Silas whined and dipped his head. He took Noak's bottom lip into his mouth and sucked on it. Silas groaned, his hole stretched to take Noak deeper.

“Oh shit.” Silas said.

Silas felt his body shudder violently. He suddenly slipped back into sensory overload and it lasted longer than the previous time. Noak sucked the skin connecting Silas’s neck to shoulder. He bit him gently and Silas gasped. He started crying as everything felt amazing. Noak gently pushed Silas upright. He slid in a bit deeper. He rocked his hips, his motions erratic. Silas was panting and groaning.

Noak was already thrusting into Silas pretty roughly when the smaller man started asking for it harder. Noak moved his hands to Silas’s hips and held tightly.

“Sit back.” Noak whispered, breathless.

He slammed his hips into Silas as the other man sat more slouched back over his legs. Silas sighed heavily as he finally took Noak all the way in to his base. The sound that came from within him was inhuman.

“Oh fuck me.” Silas gasped when Noak pulled out and thrust right back in.

Noak paced it slow at first but soon he was pounding into Silas over and over and over again. The room was filled with the sound of laboured grunts and slapping skin. Soon, Silas moaned out loud. He clenched his arse and shuddered.

“Can you flip me?” Silas asked breathlessly, knees shaking.

Silas’s body felt super charged yet his legs felt weak. He wasn’t sure he could hold himself up any longer. He slowed his grinding over Noak. He slowly stroked his own cock, spreading lube up and down his shaft. Silas’s cock was leaking a lot.

“Fuck.” Silas choked out.

Noak grabbed tightly to his hips. He sat up, holding onto Silas, still buried deep.

“Jesus. Mary. And Joseph!” Silas shouted as Noak’s cock hit his sweet spot head on.

Noak had flipped them over, Silas’s back hitting the mattress with a bounce. Noak was quick to keep up the heavier thrusting. Silas was fisting his fingers in the sheets below him. Noak was making quiet sounds. His eyes struggled to stay open but every chance he had, he stole a glimpse of Silas’s face, contorted in pleasure. Silas lifted and wrapped his legs around Noak. He pulled him closer and pressed him deeper. Silas was vocal and loud. He gripped Noak’s arm, his nails dug into the skin. Silas groaned.

“Ah fuck Love, I'm close.” Silas said. “Fuck me. Yeah, fuck your whore. Oh my God I love your cock Noak. Fuck me.” He groaned.

Noak leaned down to kiss him. Silas licked over Noak's lips. He pressed a few kisses to them before seeking out his tongue. The two moaned into one another. Silas gasped as Noak changed the angle in which he was thrusting.

Silas groaned. “Stop a minute.” He said, breathlessly.

Noak's thrusting slowed to a stop. His cock slid from Silas’s hole. It made a ridiculous sound and both men just laughed. Noak smiled at Silas. Silas smiled back. Silas shifted and moved up the bed.

“Come up.” Silas said.

Noak crawled the short distance towards Silas again. The smaller man laid back and spread his legs for his boyfriend. His upper body pressed to lay against the mattress. He held his arse up and kept his hips in a manner he was open for Noak. Silas held himself low on one of his forearms. He pressed the other against the headboard. He looked at his boyfriend and bit his lip, watching him stroking his own cock.

“Fuck me harder, okay?.” Silas said with a wrecked smile. “It feels so fucking good.” He sighed.

Noak was up on his knees between Silas’s legs, eager to fill him again. He put his hands against Silas’s inner thighs and held him spread open. Silas took his hand off the headboard and held onto his own cock, thumbing circles around the head, pressing the end of his piercing into the sensitive skin at his tip.

“Oh fuck.” Silas groaned as Noak slid back into him. “Oh fuck yes.” He said.

The taller man pushed in slowly, without a hand to guided his cock into the slick hole. Noak tightened his grip on Silas’s thighs. His fingers bruised the pale skin beneath them. Once Noak was all in he let a moan slip past his lips. He leaned forwards, covering the narrow body beneath him. He groaned, Silas still so tight around him.

“Oh fuck Sweetheart.” Noak sighed against the smaller man’s ear. “You are gonna make me cum.” He mumbled.

Silas was making loud keening sounds.

“Don't hold back, Love.” Silas said quietly.

Silas let go of his cock, feeling much too sensitive to touch. His body tingled and a shudder wracked his small frame. His hole stretched around his boyfriend’s cock. He groaned at the intense feeling. Noak cupped Silas’s cheeks and held him open wide. Noak was thrusting hard and heavy into Silas.

Silas shifted his legs and set them up against Noak’s shoulders. This opened him wider to take him deeper. Silas was making quiet gasps, enjoying the feel of being fucked with such abandon. He clenched his arse muscles around Noak's cock and the other man groaned. Silas came suddenly, unexpected. His cock was untouched, spilling his release all over himself. He groaned, as he managed to splash cum onto his own chin.

“Oh, oh fuck Noak.” Silas said, body slumped to the mattress.

Noak gave a few more thrusts of his hips, grunting quietly. It wasn't very long before Noak's balls tightened and he came hard, filling the condom and sliding out of Silas with a pop. Noak pulled the condom off, tied it up and tossed it towards his rubbish bin. He collapsed on the bed next to Silas.

The smaller man immediately curled up next to Noak and kissed him. The kisses were sloppy and consisted of just breathing one another in. Silas whimpered then rolled onto his back. They lay there panting heavily, bodies damp with sweat and coming down. Noak pressed a kiss to Silas’s cheek.

“I'm pretty sure my neighbors heard you.” Noak said with a little chuckle.

“Don't care.” Silas mumbled and dragged his lips over his boyfriend's.

“We should shower again.” Noak said after a few more lazy kisses.

Silas grumbled. Noak was right but Silas was sleepy.

“In the morning. I want… I want…” Silas whispered and nuzzled against Noak’s neck.

Noak chuckled quietly and agreed. He was exhausted and really comfortable.

“Hug me, Cuddle-bear.” Silas whispered drowsily.

Noak smiled at the nickname and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. He let go with one arm and brushed his thumb over Silas's chin. He set the digit at his lips and Silas licked his own cum off it. He moaned and snuggled close. The pair were still and quiet for several minutes.

Silas eventually pushed himself up and gave his body a stretch. He was exhausted but didn't want to fall asleep sticky. His backside was rather sore but decided their activities were well worth it. He pulled the towel from beneath them and cleaned him and Noak up the best he could. He dropped it to the floor. He plopped back down next to Noak.

“We're doing this again tomorrow.” Silas said with a yawn.

“We're doing dis again a lot.” Noak replied.

Silas hummed contently. Sleepily, he pulled Noak into an embrace and kissed him softly on the lips. He nuzzled Noak’s cheek and pressed a kiss there. He was exhausted in the best kind of way. Noak yawned and gave Silas a little squeeze.

“Sleep well Sweetheart.” Noak whispered.

“You too, Cuddle-bear.” Silas sighed.

Noak smiled and kissed the top of his boyfriend’s head before laying back down, pulling the covers over their bodies.

Silas lay flat on his back with his head against his pillow and just let himself breathe calmly. Noak was on his side, watching his boyfriend. It wasn't long before sleep claimed them both and they drifted into dreamless rest. At some point during the night, Silas reached for and held Noak's hand. He laced their fingers and went back to sleep. Noak rolled over and threw his arm around Silas.


	16. Chapter 16

The following morning Silas opened his eyes and found he was alone in a strange bed. He didn't immediately recognize his surroundings and for the briefest of moments he was overcome with a sense of fear.

_ Stupid boy. [Got himself into trouble again.] Welcome to Hell Silas. They've been waiting. _

The fear subsided and this was not the first time he'd woken confused. He quickly recalled spending the night at Noak's flat. He remembered they had gone to dinner and went back to his place since they would have it to themselves. Silas wasn't often comfortable in unknown environments but he felt safe with Noak and as the nights activities came back to mind, he relaxed and felt quite happy.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee drew him out of bed. His movements were a little stiff and he smiled to himself; Noak had been perfectly rough with him at his request. Silas found his trousers among the mess on the floor. He slipped them on and headed out of the room. He followed the smell into the living room and towards the kitchen. That's where Silas found Noak.

Noak was dressed in a pair of plaid print pajama bottoms and a red tee with the word Ghost printed across the chest in a stylized lettering Silas didn't know then that it was a band shirt but soon he would learn it was one of his boyfriend's favorites. Noak turned when he heard Silas come into the room. He'd been making the coffee and pulled down mugs from the cupboard.

“Morning Sleepyhead.” Noak said lightly. “Do you want breakfast?” He asked and ruffled Silas's messy hair.

“Mornin’” Silas mumbled, scrunching his face at the hair ruffle. “I, um, I need to shower.” He said and Noak turned back to the counter.

Silas stood directly behind Noak and put his arms around his middle. He pushed onto his tiptoes and pressed a kiss to the nape of Noak's neck. He kissed down over his shoulder next. Noak hummed at the kisses.

“You can use the shower when you're ready to.” Noak said. “Breakfast?” He asked again, looking over his shoulder at the shorter man.

“What're you making?” Silas asked, sleepily. He took a step back and scratched his head, yawning loudly in the quiet kitchen.

“Whatever you might want. I can cook eggs. I have cereal, maybe I have some frozen waffles, dose are good.” Noak said. “I'm not a good cook as I've told you before but I dink I can handle a simple breakfast. Dat might be all I can handle.” He chuckled, the sound quiet.

Silas hummed happily. Noak moved towards the coffee maker and shut it off before reaching for two mugs.

“I don't have any tea in deh flat so is one coffee going to be alright?” The taller man said.

“Yeah Love, I'll take a coffee and I could go for waffles.” Silas said.

He wasn't a big breakfast eater but he couldn't turn down the offer. He turned to Noak and asked for a mug. When Noak passed a clean mug his way, Silas poured himself some coffee. He grabbed the second mug from his boyfriend and filled that up as well.

“I need to grab deh milk.” Noak said. “And dere should be sugar on deh kitchen table.” He added.

“I see.” Silas said with a smile as he looked behind him at the table.

Noak moved to the fridge and got out the carton of milk. While there he grabbed the waffles from the freezer. He passed the milk and Silas poured it into his mug. He did the same in the second cup of coffee for his boyfriend. He carried his to the table and dumped a lot of sugar into his own. Noak put a few waffles into the toaster and set it to cook. He sipped his coffee and smiled at Silas. 

“Are you going to stick around today or would you like me to bring you home?” Noak asked.

Silas seemed distracted, looking around the small kitchen. He looked over the rim of his mug at Noak. He shrugged his shoulders.

“I'll stay.” Silas whispered as he sipped more coffee. “Unless you want to get rid of me.”

“I wouldn't want to be rid of you Sweetheart.” Noak said. “I can bring you home a bit later if you would like dat.”

Silas smiled and laughed. He thought about how good he felt. It'd been a while. He liked the feeling.

“We can worry about how I'm getting home much later. I'm good right now. I thin we should focus on getting some food into us, me getting into a shower and then fucking again.” Silas said. “I'm also prepared to talk you into watching the next  _ Star Wars _ movie.” He added. “The first was really good.”

Noak smiled and huffed a quiet laugh. He set his mug down and wrapped his arms around the smaller man. He pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“I need zero convincing to watch _Deh Empire Strikes Back_. It is deh best of all deh franchise! You may shower when you're ready, I'll get you a towel.” Noak said. “To give you a fair warning, I will probably ask you to spend deh night again.” He whispered, kissing Silas’s forehead. “Dough a drive over to your place isn't out of deh question. I know dat you probably want a change of clodes.”

“I could walk about the place naked.” Silas joked and took a few steps to bring him back to his boyfriend's side.

The joke made Noak laugh and tilt his head in consideration of the idea. The toaster dinged and Noak ignored it at first. He squeezed Silas. Silas squeezed back. Noak turned to plate the waffles, two each. Silas pressed his tongue into his cheek and smirked at Noak when the taller man turned back.

“I want to spend the night again.” Silas said.

“Good.” Noak sighed happily.

He smiled at Silas and passed him his waffles.

“What do you put on dem?” Noak asked. “I have maple syrup, deh real stuff of course, and I might have some whipped cream. Butter?” He said.

He walked over to the fridge and pulled out a container of butter and the syrup for himself. Silas took a bite of a dry waffle and sighed.

“I like them plain.” Silas said with his mouth full.

“How boring.” Noak said with another smile.

“Shut up.” Silas whined. “I’m not boring, ya butt!” He laughed.

Noak took a bite of his own waffle, which he'd scraped some butter across and drizzled the maple syrup on. The two stood at the counter, eating in an amicable silence.

“How did you sleep last night?” Noak asked conversationally.

Silas swallowed what was in his mouth and drank down some more coffee.

“Very well, exceptionally well even. Sex makes me sleep like the dead.” Silas said. “Your bed is comfy and so are you. I could sleep for days in your arms.” He added.

“So I have to ask you,” Noak started, “Cuddle-bear?”

“Huh?” Silas said, taking another bite from his waffle.

“Dats what you called me last night, twice.” Noak said, licking a drip of syrup from his own food.

Silas went pink in the cheeks.

“I dunno.” He whispered with a shrug. The name must have slipped out while drowsy.

“I don't mind it.” Noak said.”I dought it was cute how you said it.” He smiled.

Silas looked up at his boyfriend and smiled back. “Alright then, Cuddle-bear.” He said and gave Noak's belly a poke.

Noak's face crinkled with laughter. He really enjoyed himself when Silas was around. He was happy Silas seemed to enjoy it too. He had worried that after Silas’s episode a few days back that things would change for the bad. He was glad they seemed to change for the better.

“I slept well too. It was nice waking up next to you.” Noak said conversationally. “Was also nice not waking up to John's shitty EDM mix.” He added with a laugh.

Silas sighed. Noak brushed his hand back through his hair. Silas grinned at the action.

“So is this next installment really the best of the movies?” Silas asked.

Noak popped the last of his breakfast into his mouth.

“It's a known fact. Not even just my opinion.” Noak said with his mouth full.

He finished the waffle and swallowed it down. Silas leaned closer as he too was done eating. He rested his head against Noak's chest and felt the other's arms close around him.

“Okay. I'm really looking forward to it then.” Silas said.

“You won't be disappointed.” Noak promised.

The pair finished their coffee without speaking. Silas put his arm around Noak’s middle and sighed contently. Noak turned his head and kissed his lips once. Silas reached up and held him close for one more.

“Did you want to watch it on deh living room television? Bigger screen.” Noak said, eyebrow quirked.

Silas laughed and nodded his head. 

“Only if I can steal the knit blanket from your bed. I'm obsessed with it.” Silas said.

“Sure. Just promise me you won't become so obsessed you lose interest in me.” Noak teased.

“I dunno. It's a real nice blanket.” Silas teased back and poked his tongue out at Noak.

Noak scrunched his face at his boyfriend and it made Silas laugh. “Mama made it for me. Maybe she can make one for you too.” Noak said.

The two cleared up the counter and went back to Noak's bedroom. Silas took Noak's hand and led him to sit on the edge of the bed. Silas leaned over and pressed a kiss to his lips. Then another.

“Can I get that towel now?” Silas whispered. “I'm going to take a quick shower. I really do feel gross.”

“Sure ding Sweetheart.” Noak replied and got up from the bed.

He led Silas down the hall and took a fluffy towel from the linen closet before watching the shorter man slip into the bathroom.

“I'll be quick.” Silas whispered with a smile and shut himself inside.

Noak went back to his bedroom. He'd showered after he got up that morning and he spent the time cleaning up the small mess the pair had made of the room.

Silas turned on the shower and stepped in before the water had even warmed. He felt strange showering in a place he wasn't yet used to and meant it when he said he'd be quick.

_ You should just ask to go home. [Noak will get sick of Silas. He should leave before he's kicked out.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You're such a pathetic little shit. You don't deserve to be happy. [He's disgusting. A no good disappointment.] _

Silas went through the motions of cleaning himself off. He used up what little energy he could to block out the voices and negative thoughts.

_ You're a worthless little shit Silas. _

He turned off the shower and stood there shivering. He leaned his head against the tiles.

“I deserve to be happy.” He whispered. “You're all wrong.”

**Worthless.** _ You'll burn for the sins you committed. [He will pay. In time.]  _ **Worthless.**

“Enough.” Silas said quite loudly and thunked his head against the wall.

For the moment, his mind went quiet. He stepped out of the shower and dried himself off. He caught his reflection in the bathroom mirror but he refused to stop and look. He felt disgusting. He didn't want to look at himself. He gave the towel a shake over his head to partially dry his hair. When he thought he had dried sufficiently, he wrapped the towel around his waist and headed back to Noak's bedroom.

“Feel better?” Noak asked, looking up when Silas came in.

He was sitting on his bed, poking at his phone. He set the phone aside and held his arms out towards his boyfriend, inviting him closer.

_ Filthy sinner. Always running to him now. [He's trying to forget us. He'll realize his mistakes.] We're all you need Silas. Don't trust the disgusting man.  _ ‘He's not disgusting. He loves me.’  _ He won't for long. [Nobody loves Silas. They all leave in the end.] You just want him to fulfill your filthy needs. You'll burn Silas. There's still time to repent. _

Silas whimpered quietly and fought back a bout of tears. He walked over to Noak. He took hold of his hand and looked down at him.

“Are you alright Sweetheart?” Noak asked quietly, seeing the distress in the other man's eyes.

“Not really.” Silas answered truthfully. He didn't want to lie to his boyfriend. Not anymore.

“Is dere anyding I can help wid?” Noak said.

“No.” Silas replied and set his forehead down against Noak's, closing his eyes.

“Tell me if dere is.” Noak whispered and felt Silas nod.

“Do you care if I just in the towel? I don't want to put my trousers back on.” Silas said and began to kiss down the side of Noak’s neck to distract himself.

Noak groaned at Silas’s kisses. He put his hands on the smaller man’s hips, encouraging him to get onto the bed as well. Silas sat down, scooting next to him. Noak smiled. They kissed for a moment longer.

“You could be naked for all I care. You do what you want.” Noak said, tracing his hands over Silas's sides.

“You like when I'm naked?” Silas asked.

Noak nodded. He absolutely did. Silas grinned and plunked his head to the side of Noak's shoulder. He shivered at the soft touches along his sides.

“I enjoy you being naked too.” Silas sighed, shivering. “Fuck, you turn me on.” He whispered as he sat back and looked to meet his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Same.” Noak whispered and leaned to kiss Silas’s nose.

Silas giggled at the kiss and sat back. He distanced himself enough to tell his mind there wasn't time for getting off then. He reached to tuck his hair behind his ears. He smiled brightly at Noak and opened his mouth to speak.

”Okay. This is how it's going to go. I'm gonna sit around in my towel and your blanket. I'm going to watch the ongoing saga of Luke and Leia. I'm going to feel giddy as I've developed a schoolboy crush on Luke Skywalker.” He rambled. “Why did I tell you that? Anyways, let's get this movie started. I'll get naked later.” He said laughing.

Noak was smiling and laughed too. He kissed Silas's throat. Silas moaned.

“Mr. Skywalker?” Noak teased.

“You wouldn't?” Silas asked, giggling.

Noak pressed a kiss to Silas’s nose again, then another to his mouth. He let his lips linger.

“I'm more a Han Solo does it for me kinda guy.” Noak whispered.

Silas gave him a little peck and sat back.

“Han is not bad looking, I guess.” Silas said. “But those Skywalker eyes.” He added with a dramatic swoon.

Noak grinned down at his boyfriend. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Silas’s forehead. He tickled his sides until Silas wiggled away from him.

“You know, deh first time I ever jerked off I was dinking about Han Solo.” Noak whispered like it was his biggest secret. “I've never told anyone dat before.” He said, laughing.

“You are such a nerd.” Silas teased and got up onto his knees to look at Noak with sultry eyes.

“Bet every time you do it now you think all about me.” Silas whispered, crawling towards his boyfriend like a cat would.

Silas breathed hotly against Noak's throat. He kissed over his pulse point and nuzzled the side of his neck.

“Hmm, no. Still Han.” Noak said and laughed quietly.

“Never me?” Silas asked, sitting up. He looked offended. He wasn't, not really.

Noak tilted his head as if in deep thought. He smirked at Silas. He reached over to cup his cheek and traced his thumb over his jaw as Silas leaned into the touch.

“Sometimes you.” He said. “But it’s mostly Han.” He added, laughing.

Silas scoffed and stood up. He looked at Noak, with mock offence and scooped the blanket into his arms.

“Have your Han Solo then, for I have your blanket.” Silas said maniacally and took off running out of the bedroom.

Silas made his way to the living room. He'd only seen it briefly the night before. It was spacious but still managed to have a sort of homey feel. A large TV was mounted on the back wall. A three piece sectional couch was in the center of the room. It was a hazy grey color with soft, deep cushions. Silas claimed the right corner as his own and rolled himself up in the soft blanket. Noak was a moment behind as he had to get the movie from its case. He walked into the room and he set it to play in the DVD player. He grabbed the remote and settled at the far end of the same side of the couch as Silas.

“You look silly.” Noak said.

Silas huffed a sigh.

“I'm going to ignore that comment and ask if you'd like to come sit closer to me?” Silas said.

He poked his arm out of his blanket burrito and pat the seat next to him. Noak smiled and shifted closer to his boyfriend. Silas leaned into the larger man and relaxed. Noak pressed play and the two men had eyes glued to the screen. 

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

“So?” Noak asked when the movie was over.

He turned his attention from the screen, down to his boyfriend as the credits rolled. Silas was still staring at the television. His face was bright; he was happy with the film.

“You're correct in saying this one was better. I enjoyed it a lot. Yoda man! Something he is.” Silas said, ending with an impression of the green puppet.

He eventually looked at up Noak. During the movie Noak had migrated back to the sofa arm and Silas had curled up against Noak’s legs, head resting on his hip. Noak started playing with Silas’s hair and Silas leaned into the touch. He closed his eyes and sighed contently. As the taller man’s fingers moved through his tangled locks, Silas groaned. Silas worked to sit himself up. He licked the tip of Noak's nose with a giggle and lightly dragged their lips across one another's. He crawled over Noak and straddled his lap. He looked at him with a lazy smile.

“This is the part where we can make out.” Silas said. “And afterwards, I ask you fuck me again.”

Noak chuckled quietly against his boyfriend's lips.

“Is it?” Noak asked.

“Yeah.” Silas whispered, pressing a peck to Noak’s nose, then one to his lips.

They started to kiss and touch over the other's bodies. Noak's fingers tickled over Silas’s bare skin. Silas tugged at Noak's tee. It was in the way.

“Please take it off.” Silas whispered against his neck. “I want to touch you, run my fingers all over your naked skin.”

Noak gently pushed Silas away and pulled off his shirt. Silas settled more comfortably into Noak's lap and kissed him deeply. He leaned back and had a satisfied smile across his lips. Silas took time to just look at his boyfriend. He reached out to brush his thumb over Noak's left nipple and the taller man closed his eyes, sighing. Silas did it again, a few more times and the nub hardened under his touch. Silas huffed an amused tone. He worked his other hand, tracing patterns over Noak's chest and belly. He brushed through the amber-blonde hair and started to work the other nipple.

“Are they particularly sensitive?” Silas asked.

He had gotten a few reactions, touching them before but he never really put in the effort to learn just how sensitive they might be. He'd moved on from brushing with his thumb to pinching. He alternated his pressure and Noak moaned low in his throat.

“Fuck.” Noak sighed. “Ja, dey are.” He said with a shudder.

Silas leaned down and took the nipple between his teeth and flicked it with his tongue. Noak moaned even louder. Silas stopped and sat up.

“Open your eyes, Love.” Silas whispered.

Noak did and Silas smiled at him.

“I think you should pierce it.” Silas said and traced the skin around the pink nub.

“You dink so?” Noak whispered, eyes fluttering shut when Silas pinched him again.

“Give me something to play with and pull on.” He whispered with a thoughtful sigh and pinched it harder. “Does that interest you?”

“Ja.” Noak sighed, breathily.

Silas dipped his head again and pressed a kiss to Noak’s chest. Silas rolled his hips, softly moaning against his neck. He felt the other man’s cock twitch and Noak whimpered.

“Oh my gods Silas. You’re making me- Oh fuck, I'm really horny right now.” Noak whispered.

Silas looked up. He gave Noak's cock a few strokes through the material of his pajama bottoms. Noak sighed heavily. Silas palmed over his cock and he moaned loudly as Silas’s fingers made their way into the front opening of the bottoms.

“Oh Sweetheart.” Noak said softly as Silas teased him.

The smaller man worked Noak’s foreskin with his fingers and pressed kisses all over his neck and chest. Noak relaxed underneath Silas. He leaned into the arm of the sofa. Noak groaned as Silas sucked at his nipples again. His cock jumped in Silas’s hand. Silas felt hot. He pulled away from Noak's chest and moved up to kiss his mouth. Their kiss was wet and sloppy. Noak pushed Silas away for a moment.

“Take my pajamas off.” He whispered to his boyfriend.

Silas reached for the edge of the pajama bottoms and tugged them down as Noak lifted his hips off the cushions. Once past his knees, Noak kicked them away. Silas crawled back into Noak's lap, nuzzling at his neck.

“Can we have sex again?” Silas asked as he pressed a kiss to Noak's shoulder. “Let's do it now, do it here, the bed was so last night.” He teased playfully and rolled his eyes.

“Ja.” Noak answered, laughing quietly at how silly Silas was being.

Noak put his hands on Silas’s hips and squeezed him. Silas moaned a soft yes. They kissed a moment before Silas leaned back.

“I'll go get the condoms and lube.” He whispered against Noak's lips and gave him a couple more kisses.

Noak nodded his head. He smiled at the kisses.

“Hurry back.” Noak whispered.

Silas slid off the sofa and smiled. He made his way to Noak's room to grab what they needed. He wasn't gone long.

Meanwhile out in the living room Noak spread out his blanket so they wouldn't have to explain any stains on the couch when John returned from Amsterdam.

Silas came back and dropped the items at Noak's side. He climbed onto the couch and sat straddled over Noak. He immediately started to kiss his shoulder and up the side of his neck. Their lips met briefly.

“Was that fast enough for you?” Silas whispered, smiling shyly.

Noak nodded and kissed him.

“I still missed you dough.” Noak whispered against his neck.

Noak kissed the skin of his throat and nipped him gently. Silas smiled wider and started rocking his hips against Noak's. His towel covered cock brushing over Noak's bare one. Both men stuttered a moan and sighed deeply. Silas kissed Noak’s lips and pulled back first, putting his hand under Noak's chin. He tilted his face towards his and kissed his scars. Noak shuddered and worked the knot keeping the towel secure open

“Can you suck me while you finger me, Noak?” Silas asked quietly.

“Ja Sweetheart.” Noak said.

Silas moved off Noak and kicked the towel to the floor. He sat back on the cushion next to Noak and looked at him with a lustful gaze. Noak sighed, moved off the couch and knelt down between Silas's legs. He ran his hands up and down his thighs, tickling over his tattoos.

“Turn to face me.” Noak said and brushed his palms over Silas's thighs once more and spread his legs.

Silas whimpered and touched Noak’s cheek. He leaned his back against the back cushion of the couch.

“Shift closer to deh edge.” Noak instructed.

Silas did and he relaxed with a sigh when Noak picked up his cock and sucked at its tip. Noak teased Silas’s piercing and tongued the slit.

“Ah- oh shit that feels so good.” Silas mumbled.

He moved his hands to twist in Noak's hair as Noak tongued just below the head of Silas’s cock. He traced over the ridge and flattened his tongue before swiping it over the head. He kissed down, running his tongue along Silas’s perineum and arsehole. 

“Jesus Christ! Do that again!” Silas exclaimed.

Noak pulled away and laughed quietly.

“Liked dat Sweetheart?” Noak asked.

Silas moaned yes in reply. He twisted his fingers more tightly in Noak’s hair. Silas leaned into the soft cushions behind him and bit his lip when Noak did it again. Silas started crying, it felt so good. The heat of his boyfriend’s mouth and scratch of his beard between his cheeks was exactly what he didn't know he needed. There was little that was new to Silas when it came to sex, but this was something. At the feel of his boyfriend's tongue at his hole once more, he knew he was hooked. Silas moaned louder and felt his cock getting hard. Noak spent a few minutes down there, licking and prodding at his hole before he moved up and sucked at Silas’s cock head again.

Noak kissed it lightly and teased with his tongue. Silas was whimpering and had started to leak pre-cum. His breath hitched and his nerves tingled. Noak didn't stop, taking him a little deeper and reached along the side of Silas's body. He closed his fist over the bottle of lube and let Silas's cock slip from his mouth. It made Silas groan. Noak opened the cap and poured some lube into his hand. He used his other hand to lift one of Silas’s legs up and he set it over his shoulder. He smeared the lube over Silas’s arsehole.

“I can't wait for you to fuck me.” Silas said, head thrown back.

Noak concentrated as he pressed two fingers against the hole and Silas groaned loudly. Silas lifted his head from the cushion to look down at Noak. Noak smiled at him and dipped his head. He took Silas’s cock back into his mouth at the same time he pressed two fingers into him. The shorter man gasped loudly and his body tensed before relaxing again.

“Oh my God.” Silas managed to say between clenched teeth.

Silas was breathing heavily. His skin damp with sweat already. Noak pulled his fingers out and Silas sobbed. He continued to tease at Silas’s cock with his tongue. Silas was stroking the base of his own cock and moved his hand back to Noak's hair. Silas pet the side of Noak's face.

“Fuck! Oh Love. Get your fingers back in there.” Silas muttered.

Noak worked his middle and index finger back into Silas. The shorter man cried out. Noak thrust his fingers in and out of Silas until the smaller man was groaning. Noak curled his fingers and pushed against his prostate.

“Oh fuck yes.” Silas gasped.

Noak curled his fingers again and Silas moaned. His cock swelled and Noak took it back into his mouth. Silas whimpered. Noak pulled his fingers away to add more lube. He pressed kisses along Silas’s length and Silas shivered. Noak focused on fingering Silas and Silas began to stroke his own cock lazily.

“I want you to fuck me over the back of the couch.” Silas whispered. “Hard and fast, Love. Can you do that?”

“Oh fuck ja.” Noak sighed, liking the idea very much.

Noak moved up, leaning his knees on the cushions edge. He kissed Silas slowly and worked his fingers in and out of his slick hole. Silas moaned deeply as Noak stretched him.

“Fuck I want your cock.” Silas said. “I want you inside me. Don't make me wait.” He sighed.

Silas ran his fingers across his own cock, through his pre-cum. Silas brought his hand up to his face and licked his fingers clean.

“Is dat good?” Noak asked, watching as Silas moved his tongue over his fingers.

Silas moaned affirmatively.

“Take your fingers out.” Silas cried and whimpered. “Get the condom on and fuck me. I'm good. I can take it.” He said in a rush.

Noak chuckled and complied, pulling his fingers from Silas’s hole. He looked at Silas whose eyes were blown wide with arousal. Silas got up on his knees and was now looking down at Noak. He touched his cheek and traced his lips with his thumb.

“Stand up, Love.” Silas said.

Noak stood up and pulled Silas’s lips to his own. He kissed him deeply and held his hips tightly. Silas kissed back and eventually pushed him away. Silas turned around so his knees were at the back of the couch. He had his back to his boyfriend. Noak got to work getting a condom on and reached for the lube.

“You will fuck me hard, right?” Silas asked, his usual deep voice high with need.

“Ja Sweetheart.” Noak said moving himself behind Silas.

He balanced on both knees at the edge of the seat. He put one hand on Silas’s hip. His other braced the back of the couch, hand covering Silas’s. He entwined their fingers. Silas moaned.

“C’mon, fuck me. I want to feel this tomorrow.” Silas said, a little desperate.

Noak poured lube over Silas’s hole and Silas moaned loudly. Noak added some more to the condom and stroked himself a few times.

“Fuck.” Silas gasped, feeling Noak’s head against his hole. “Oh God damn. I want your cock, Love. Shove that big fucking cock in me.” Silas moaned.

Silas pushed his arse out and leaned his head down against the cushion next to their hands. Silas had one hand down between his body and the back of the couch. He was slowly working his hand over his cock head, playing with the piercing. His other hand fisted in the blanket beneath them. Silas took a deep breath. The blanket smelled of Noak. Silas dribbled more pre-cum into his fingers.

“You ready Sweetheart?” Noak asked quietly and kissed Silas's shoulder.

“Yeah.” Silas sighed, glancing back before setting his forehead to the cushion.

Noak reached down and took his cock in hand. He stroked it a couple of times. He guided it to Silas’s hole and pushed in. Silas gasped and cried out.

“Oh yes.” Silas groaned at the stretch.

Noak buried himself in Silas’s arse, bottoming out and held still for some time. He smoothed his hands down Silas’s sides and gripped firmly at his narrow hips.

“C’mon Love. Rock your pelvis. Slam into me.” Silas whined. “I want it hard and deep.” He groaned and rolled his arse against Noak.

Silas turned his head and looked back at his boyfriend, desperation in his eyes. He was eager to have himself thoroughly fucked and rammed. Noak started rocking his hips. Every third or fourth one hitting Silas right in the prostate. The smaller man gasped and moaned, mostly because it felt wonderful and was exactly what he wanted. He pushed back against Noak and groaned as the taller man pulled out. Silas was about to complain when he felt Noak slam back in. It shook Silas to his core. He was dripping pre-cum all over. Silas was muttering yeses and fucks. Noak leaned down to kiss the side of Silas’s throat. Lips and teeth dragged over the sensitive skin. The shorter man leaned his head back and rested it against Noak's shoulder.

“Oh yeah. Fuck me; fuck me just like that. Oh fuck… I'm gonna cum.” Silas ranted.

Noak reached around Silas and took hold of his cock. He stroked Silas in time with his thrusts. He pulled hard at Silas’s hair and Silas came with a sob. His cum covered Noak's hand and dripped onto the blanket below.

“Fuck Sweetheart.” Noak whispered, feeling his hole clench around his cock.

He continued to thrust, still rocking his hips against his boyfriend's arse. Silas moaned and whimpered. His body shook with every slam of Noak's hips. He dragged Noak’s hand to his lips and licked his release from the fingers. Silas reached back and stroked Noak's hair awkwardly. Noak pressed his body flush to Silas. He pounded into him and drew several gasps and groans from the smaller man. He kissed his neck. He rolled his hips a few times and he bit Silas on the nape of his neck as he filled the condom. Noak sighed and collapsed against his boyfriend. Silas sobbed softly as Noak started to move away.

“No.” Silas said. “Don't pull out, not yet.” He whispered.

Noak was still mostly hard. Silas leaned his head back to his shoulder again and rolled his hips back against his cock.

“You feel so fucking good inside me Noak.” Silas said quietly. “So fucking, so fucking big.” He mumbled.

“Fuck Sweetheart.” Noak said.

Silas turned his head and kissed Noak's mouth. Noak held tightly to Silas. He rolled his hips with him.

“Oh fuck.” Noak whined, feeling extremely sensitive.

Silas hummed. They moved together and kissed lazily. When it got too much for him, Noak slid from Silas’s hole with a wet pop. Silas whined.

“Put it back.” Silas cried.

Noak laughed quietly and breathed down his boyfriend’s neck. He pressed a kiss to Silas’s shoulder and one to his back. He sucked a bruise over the bite mark he'd left earlier. Silas stroked his own cock. He leaned against Noak.

“Fuck Noak, use your fingers. I think I could cum again.” Silas said breathily. It was an unrealistic hope but he was needy.

Silas licked over his lips. He leaned over and rolled onto his back. He watched as Noak pulled off the condom, tie it up and toss it onto the floor by his pajamas. Noak looked at his boyfriend for a moment. Silas was still touching his own cock. It was soft. He thumbed his piercing and bit his bottom lip. Noak crawled over Silas and pressed his lips against his cheek. Silas looked up at Noak through heavy lidded eyes. A smile crossed his face.

“You look so fucking beautiful like this, Love.” Silas said quietly and reached to touch Noak's face.

Noak blushed at the words. The color spread when Silas kissed him. Silas licked over the scar on his top lip and bit the bottom. He nuzzled Noak's neck and jaw, pressing kisses to his skin. He kissed over his cheek, following the line of his scarred up face.

“Oh fuck yeah.” Silas sighed as Noak pushed two fingers into his hole.

Noak sought out Silas’s sweet spot and knew he'd found it when Silas shuddered. Silas rocked his hips against the fingers until he thought that it could feel better. He pushed Noak’s hand away.

“Change places with me.” Silas said, sitting up.

Noak nodded and moved away. He lay back against the blanket and Silas crawled over him.

“Do you think you can get hard again?” Silas asked quietly. He ran light touches over Noak's chest and down his belly. Noak moaned.

“I - ” Noak said, knowing it was too soon. “Can you suck me?” He asked. “I might.”

Silas smiled. “Of course, Love.” He whispered.

Silas moved quickly down Noak's body. He started licking his cock and using his fingers to stroke the base. It caused Noak to moan. Silas licked and sucked for several minutes, until Noak started to get hard again. Noak was unusually vocal as he was sensitive to the touch. Silas pulled off and stroked him until he had a full erection.

“I want you to fuck me again.” Silas said quietly.

Sex was like a drug for the smaller man and he was ready for a binge. He wanted more and hoped Noak was on board. His mind was filled with need and the need was so strong it pushed the voices out. He felt happy and strung out.

Silas dipped his head and took one of Noak's balls into his mouth.

“Oh fuck Sweetheart. Fuck dat is… dat feels really good.” Noak said with a heavy breath.

Noak tugged at Silas’s hair. His fingers twisted and he pulled hard. Silas shuddered and moaned. He returned to kissing Noak's cock and sucking along its sides. Noak moaned some more. He rested his leg against Silas’s lower back. Silas took Noak's cock into his mouth and started deep throating him. He made choked and gasping sounds but he never pulled up. Noak took deep breaths and cursed under his breath. Silas pulled away. He wiped his lips and licked his fingers.

“Fuck. I- wanna ride you.” Silas whispered.

His fingers traced over Noak's chest. He pinched a nipple and pulled at the hair. Noak led Silas into a kiss. He touched his hips and pulled him into his lap. Silas sat straddled over Noak. He sat just over his hips and bent his body to keep kissing him. Noak poured some more lube into his hand. He reached to finger his boyfriend with the extra lube. He reached for and put on a condom. Noak looked at Silas, his green eyes were glassy, his pupils wide. Silas sat back and picked up the bottle of lube. He kept his eyes fixed on Noak's. After he pumped some into his hand, he started stroking over his own cock. Noak pushed the smaller man’s hand away and stroked up and down his length, spreading the lube and making him slick.

“Yes, that’s nice. Just like that.” Silas whispered as Noak fingered the piercing, the little metal ball glided over his slick tip. “Oh, fuck.” Silas sighed, shuddering.

Silas’s head was resting on Noak's shoulder. Noak watched Silas through the corner of his eye. He kissed his cheek. Noak was stroking over the soft skin teasingly. He slipped his lube slicked cock into the smaller man. As Noak pushed deeper Silas trembled and moaned. Noak pulled his cock out slowly. Silas gasped loudly and his hips pressed back on his boyfriend's erection.

“Oh fuck. Noak. Fuck!” Silas said.

His body shook when Noak slipped back in. His body felt the burn as he stretched him. Noak kissed Silas's neck. Silas raked his nails over his chest. It left red lines on his skin. Noak moaned quietly. Silas was making all sorts of noises and he rocked his hips onto Noak’s.

“Jesus Christ Noak.” Silas said through clenched teeth. “Fuck your cock is so fucking- oh shit. It's so fucking- Oh fuck me.” He groaned.

Noak responded with a quiet laugh and thrust of his hips that hit Silas’s sweet spot.

“Ohfuckme. Jesus Christ. I'm gonna cum.” Silas said.

Silas pulled Noak to him and kissed him deeply. Noak closed his fist loosely over Silas’s cock and the smaller man cried out.

“Harder.” Silas whispered.

Noak pulled out halfway and slammed his hips into Silas a few more times. Silas tensed, made a choked sound and came into Noak's hand. Noak rocked his hips slowly. Silas whimpered and closed his eyes.

“Stop. Move your hand.” Silas whined.

He pushed Noak's hand away from his cock. Noak set his hand on Silas’s hip. He pulled out and slipped off the condom. Silas slid down to the floor and took Noak's cock into his mouth. Noak inhaled sharply. Silas cupped his balls and took the cock down his throat.

“Fuck I'm gonna cum.” Noak said.

He was stroking the hair on the back of Silas’s head. Silas pulled up but kept the tip in his mouth. He felt the balls in his hand tighten and Noak came with a groan. Silas swallowed down what Noak had to offer. He released Noak’s cock and sat up. Silas pulled Noak down for a kiss and Noak pulled the smaller man back to the sofa. They kissed a bit more and they eventually collapsed in a heap.

Breathing heavily Noak reached for Silas’s hand. Silas squeezed his fingers and sighed; he felt wrecked, spent. He closed his eyes and it took all his efforts to not fall asleep. Noak rubbed circles against Silas’s hip with his thumb. Silas turned and kissed Noak's cheek sleepily.

“I need. I need to shower again and then maybe… fuck I need a nap.” Silas said with a laugh. His words broke a long silence.

Noak sighed. “Agreed. But right now I can't move.” He said with a quiet laugh of his own.

“You'll need to eat my arse again. It was so fucking hot I almost died.” Silas sighed.

Noak laughed quietly.

Silas leaned up to kiss Noak as he reached to pull the blanket down from the back of the sofa. He covered the two of them and turned so he could wrap his arms around Silas. Silas kissed Noak again. It was slow and lazy. He poured what little energy he had left into it.

“What have I done to deserve you?” Noak asked quietly once their lips parted.

Silas pressed a kiss against his temple.

“I don't know but it must've been terrible.” Silas said.

Noak frowned and moved to kiss Silas’s lips.

“No. Someding wonderful.” He whispered before pressing his lips against his.

Silas kissed back and eventually pushed himself up. He didn’t have to agree with Noak on that to appreciate the thought.

“Really, I need to shower. I stink.” Silas said.

Noak laughed. “Like sex.” Noak whispered.

“Come with me?” Silas asked.

Noak nodded. Silas smiled and climbed off the sofa. Noak got up as well and he grabbed the blanket. He picked up their clothes too. He dropped it all in his room while getting some fresh towels before joining Silas in the bathroom.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter contains a severe psychotic episode, including a push for self harm and suicide.**

Silas was up before the sun and tried for an hour to get back to sleep. It was Friday and he had the day off; there was no reason he should have been awake. When he decided it wasn’t likely that he’d sleep anymore he got up and went to the kitchen to start on a cup of tea. While he waited for the kettle to boil, he went back to his room and kept himself busy with getting dressed. As he left his room to head back to the kitchen, a strange movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention. He saw something dart across the door to his office. Stopping in his tracks, he turned and walked to the room. He remembered that the door had been closed. That door was always closed. He shook his head.

‘I’m losing it.’  _ You've lost it long ago you worthless shit. _

Silas peered inside the room but there was nothing there that looked out of place. He felt confused and called a quick hello into the empty room. There was no reply. Shaking his head, he shut the door and made his way back to the kitchen. He made his tea and took his mug into the living room. He sat down on the sofa and set his drink down on the table in front of him. He closed his eyes, the back of his head starting to gently throb. He knew it wasn’t a migraine but he dreaded the pain he knew would follow.

Silas turned on the telly and muted it. He watched as a couple of advertisements flashed on the screen. Soon he wasn’t paying attention to anything anymore and he just stared towards the screen. A sound like something had fallen in the other room startled him.

“Hello?” He said. “Who’s there?” He asked.

_ No one here Silas, just us.  _ **Worthless.** _ Just you. _

Silas shook his head, choosing to ignore the voices. He reached for his tea and took a sip. He made a face as it hadn’t steeped long enough for his liking. He set it back down and heard another noise and a muffled voice. He shut off the telly and tossed the remote onto the table.

“What the fuck?” He muttered and pushed himself up from the sofa.

_ You’ve lost it.  _ **Crazy.**

Silas left the living room and pulled the door shut behind him. He glanced at the front door and found all the deadbolts were in place. He walked over and tested the doorknob anyways. It was definitely locked. He walked from the door and took a few more steps towards the source of the strange sounds. He was moving slowly down the hall to his office. He opened the door and went inside. He looked around but as before, there wasn’t anyone there. There was nothing out of place. It didn’t make sense.

_What’s going on? [Has Silas finally cracked?]_ **Worthless.** _[Silas is crazy.] You’ve lost it._ **[Just kill yourself.]** _What’s going on? [They’ll get you Silas.]_ **[Bleed.]**

Silas started to scratch and pick at his right arm, digging the nails of his left hand into the pale skin. He wasn’t aware he was doing it until it was done.

“Stop that!” Silas said loudly and backed out of the empty office. 

Silas stood in the hallway and felt his hands shaking. He looked down and saw that his arm was bleeding. He’d scratched himself and had no recollection of doing it. The only clue that he’d done it was his own blood under his nails of the opposite hand.

“Stop what?” Someone said, scaring the wits right of the lanky man. He screamed.

Silas spun around and found Luci staring at him from his bedroom door.

“I think I broke your alarm clock.” Luci said, tilting her head. “Sorry.” She said in an upbeat fashion.

“How did you get in here? What the hell are you doing in my room?” Silas asked, feeling anger rising up in his chest.

“Why would I tell you? You’d find a way to stop me from doing it again.” Luci said, laughing. “I’ll replace what I broke, promise.” She said.

“You don’t belong here, get out!” Silas said, taking a step back as Luci stepped closer to him. “I’ll call the cops.” He threatened.

“Yeah, you do that.” Luci challenged.

“I will.” Silas said.

“Do it. I dare you. I’ll be long gone before they get here.” Luci said and leaned herself against the wall.

“What do you want?” Silas asked, giving up on arguing.

“To use your computer.” She said. “Can I?” She asked.

“No.” Silas said. “Now get out.” He said and pointed towards the front door.

“Pretty please?” Luci asked, fluttering her eyes at him in an over the top flirtatious way.

Silas shivered. He’d always been creeped out by Luci’s eyes.

“Why?” Silas asked.

“None of your damn business.” Luci said. “So I can?” She asked.

“I didn’t say that.” Silas snapped. “My laptop, my business.” He said.

“I want to send an email.” Luci said. “To my mother.”

“And you couldn’t go to the library or something to do this why?” Silas asked and walked away from the office door, past the woman and towards the living room.

Luci followed him, just a step behind. Her heels click clacked against the wooden floors beneath them.

“Help a girl out. I always had your back.” Luci said.

Silas turned to look at her and his expression was one of exasperation.

“Like shit you did!” He said and sat down on the sofa.

Luci stayed just inside the door.

“I led you to food when you wanted to starve. I supplied you with cocaine when you started to withdraw. You don’t want to know half of what I had to do to get that cocaine by the way.” Luci said, winking. “You owe me.” She added with a smile.

“I owe you shit!” Silas yelled. “I went through hell with that accident and you left me high and dry to deal with the consequences. You could have killed someone.” He said.

Luci rolled her eyes.

“No, you could have Silas, not me. You were the one behind the wheel of that car.” Luci said. “It worked out in the end though, didn’t it?” She asked him and crossed the room to sit on the coffee table.

“There are three chairs in here. Get your arse off my table.” Silas said.

Luci smiled. She got up from the table and walked to sit in the chair that faced her friend.

“I think this is the kindest you’ve been since I’ve been back. Are you actually offering me a seat?” She whispered.

“I’m not being kind. I don’t want you sitting on my table. I don’t want you on my chairs either but I must choose my battles.” Silas said.

“Can I ask you a question Silas?” Luci asked and crossed her legs.

Silas noticed she was dressed in the same clothes she was in the last time he saw her. The only difference was she was wearing high heeled boots. He’d never seen her in shoes before, honestly shocked she owned a pair.

“No but I get the impression you’re going to anyway.” Silas muttered.

Luci laughed. She stretched her arms out and twisted them until her elbows made a loud popping noise. Silas looked at her, disgusted.

“Oh that felt nice.” Luci said. “So you told your boy toy about me, why?” She asked,

“He’s not my boy toy.” Silas said and didn’t answer the question.

“Not the point. The point is you told him and I want to know why.” Luci said, taking the time to crack all her knuckles.

“One, I told you I didn’t want you to ask me anything and two, I don’t want to tell you because I told you I didn’t want you to ask anything.” Silas said.

“Please?” Luci asked, rolling her neck and popping those joints as well.

“Can you stop that?” Silas shouted, fed up with all the noise.

Silas sighed. He looked down at the floor and closed his eyes tightly. He wished Luci away. When he opened them again, Luci was still sitting there. He muttered a few choice words in her direction.

“If I tell you, will you leave me alone?” Silas asked.

“I might.” Luci said, considering the offer.

“Not good enough.” Silas spat in response.

“I will leave you alone.” Luci said and smiled, crossing her finger behind her back.

“I told him because I needed him to know you do this to me.” Silas replied. “And he believes me.” He added.

“Do what to you?” Luci asked, offended at his accusatory tone. “He won’t believe you for long dear. Trust me.” She said.

“You bother me Luci.” Silas said. “You mess with me and I’m sick of it.” He said.

“Do I really bother you?” Luci asked, frowning. “You mean to tell me, you don’t miss me at all? After everything?” She added.

“Yes, you do. No, I don’t.” Silas said.

“Fine then.” Luci said. “I guess this is the part where I keep my word and leave you alone.” She said and stood up, knowing she’d be back.

“I guess it is.” Silas said and watched her walk out of his living room.

Silas stayed put and could hear the sound of the door to the garden open and close. He was thankful she’d left. He reached for the tea he’d made. It tasted worse since it’d gone cold on him. He slammed it down on the table and broke the mug. Luci made him so angry. He got up from the sofa and headed down the hallway. Silas turned back and went into the kitchen, making sure that Luci really had gone. He spent ten minutes walking around the house, locking windows and making sure she couldn’t get back in.

He walked into his office and shut the door. He locked himself inside. The room doubled as a safe place for him. He took a seat on the futon and closed his eyes. It didn’t take long until he fell asleep. His sleep was short and dreamless.   


+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

That evening, Noak came over Silas’s after work. Silas had texted him asking if he'd come over and how he didn't want to be alone. Noak agreed, happily and hid plan was to spend the night, bringing with him a bag of clothes so he wouldn’t have to wear the same thing again, as people at the office were starting to notice. He’d brought over some take-away Chinese food and the two ate until they were both full.

It was a long and busy day for Noak and Silas felt drained as well, so they decided to spend their time together in quiet. Noak had chosen to read a book. He’d fallen behind in his reading and hadn’t finished the book Silas had recommended for him. He was three quarters of the way done. Silas was on his laptop, sitting on the other end of the sofa. He’d been dozing on and off and it made Noak smile.

Silas fell asleep and started to snore quietly. He only snored if he was sleeping sitting up. Noak found the sound cute and endearing. He got up from his side of the sofa and pulled the computer from his boyfriend’s lap. He left it open and set it down on the coffee table. He covered Silas with one of his throw blankets. When Noak sat back down, still thinking it was too early for bed, he reached for the remote control. He turned on the telly and clicked around until he found the football match. He made sure the volume was low enough not to disturb Silas. 

“Luci, stop. You have to go!” Silas said in a rush, before he even opened his eyes.

Silas had been out for over an hour. The match was over and Noak was back to reading, with only four chapters left. Silas looked around him and felt dazed. He didn’t remember saying the words he had said.

“Are you okay dere, Sweetheart?” Noak asked and set his book down.

**Worthless.**

“What time is it?” Silas asked. He didn't answer the question.

**[Time to die.]**

“Eight-dirty.” Noak said, looking at his watch.

_ Fucking waste of space you are. _

“At night?” Silas asked, rubbing his eyes.

**Worthless. [Time to die.]** _ Fucking waste of space. _

“Ja Sweetheart. You slept for about an hour.” Noak said.

**Worthless.** ‘Stop it. Stop it! Not now. Not while Noak is here.’  _ You stop. We'll say what we want when we want you piece of shit. _

“I’m sorry.” Silas whispered. “I’m sorry.” He said again, unsure why.

“It’s okay.” Noak said. “Did you want to go to bed now?” He asked, reaching out and touching Silas’s ankle gently. “Maybe a lie down will make you feel better.”

Silas pulled his leg out of Noak’s reach and shook his head. He didn’t want to be touched. He pushed the blanket that was around him to the floor, not wanting that to touch him either.

“No! I do not want to go to bed. Not now.” Silas said, speaking in monotone and shaking his head.

Noak looked at him, concerned.

“Silas, are you sure you are okay?” He asked again.

“No!” Silas snapped but then his face softened. He didn't know why he was yelling.

_Worthless shit._ **Worthless.** _[Better off dead, Silas.]_ **[Kill yourself.]**

“Should I leave you alone?” Noak asked, unsure how he should be handling what he assumed was Silas on the verge of another episode.

“No.” Silas said. “Yes. Yes you should.” He said, right after.

Noak nodded his head but felt conflicted. He moved to get up from the sofa.

“I am going to make myself some coffee, did you want some tea, Sweetheart?” Noak asked, careful to keep his tone even.

“No.” Silas said and looked at his laptop on the table.

Noak left the living room and made his way into the kitchen. He was in there about five minutes before he returned with a steaming mug of coffee in his hand. He took note that Silas had pulled his laptop from the table and was reading something on the screen.

“How you doing dere?” Noak asked, testing the waters if it was okay to talk to him.

Silas hummed in reply and didn’t look away from the screen.

Noak sat down in the chair that was next to the sofa. It was not that he wanted to avoid Silas, he was just being cautious as he was still learning to read his moods. He reached towards the table and picked up the book. He set down his mug after taking a few sips. He started to read in silence.

After ten minutes, Silas started laughing hysterically. Noak looked over at him. He was smiling, Silas had a contagious laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Noak asked and lowered the book, half a chapter from the end.

Silas looked at Noak, confused. He didn’t think anything had been funny.

“Fuck!” He shouted and flung the laptop aside. It landed sideways on the cushion beside him.

“Evan just fired me.” Silas said, his tone was flat and did not portray sadness or worry. “Is that funny to you?” He asked, annoyed with the taller man but couldn’t tell why. “You did it, didn't you?” He whispered darkly.

Noak looked at Silas, mind totally blank. “I did what?” He asked. “And what do you mean Evan fired you?”

“It means I don't have a fucking job. Fuck!” Silas yelled out at the other man. He sobbed out before muttering fuck under his breath half a dozen times.

“Silas, I'm so sorry. What deh hell happened?” Noak said, trying to tell himself that Silas was not yelling because of him.

Silas reached for and turned his laptop around to show Noak the email he'd just read. The email was from The Bleeker News, signed by Evan, Silas’s boss. It stated, quite clearly, that he stop his work for them effective immediately. It then said his last paycheck would be in the mail as he was no longer welcomed in the office. Noak had a serious look on his face.

“Oh my gods, Silas.” Noak said. “Did you know about dis? Has it come out of deh blue?”

Silas looked at Noak, confusion lined his features. Silas laughed again.

“Why would you laugh at dis?” Noak asked.

“I'm not laughing.” Silas said, agitated. “He fired me over emails. You sent them when I was asleep, didn't you?” He cried.

“No.” Noak said, a little ticked off his boyfriend would think such a thing. “I didn't do anyding of deh sort.” He sounded defensive.

“Bullshit.” Silas spat. “I'm so fucked. I'm so fucking fucked.”

“What actually happened Silas? What emails are you talking about?” Noak asked.

“I don't know.” Silas whispered and pushed away everything around him. He wanted nothing touching him.

“Do you want me to call Anna?” Noak suggested.

“Why?” Silas inquired.

“Maybe she knows why he fired you.” Noak said and dug his phone out of his pocket.

Silas looked at Noak. He felt lost. He started to cry but paid no mind to the tears on his cheeks. He continued to look at Noak, deeply confused as to what was going on.

“Why would Anna know?” Silas asked, when what he really wanted to know was, who is Anna? His brain was shot.

“I don’t know. I mean, professionally she’s close wid Evan so maybe she knows someding about it.” Noak said.

“Did you send those emails that got me fired?” Silas yelled, completely out of control of his own mind and words.

“I told you before. No. I didn't do anyding.” Noak replied.

“Liar.” Silas cried.

**[Kill yourself.] Worthless. [You won’t amount to anything you worthless shit.]**

Silas closed his laptop. He pushed it onto the coffee table and shifted closer to the corner of the sofa. His eyes scanned the room as if he were looking for something then he closed his eyes, laughing again. Noak got up from the chair and moved to sit next to his boyfriend, putting a hand on his shoulder. He was grateful that Silas didn’t shout or pull away from him.

“Silas?” Noak whispered. “Are you having an episode?” He asked, carefully.

Silas’s eyes shot open and he pushed Noak's hand away. He looked at the taller man and the look in his eyes was like he didn’t recognise him. The look was fleeting and Silas mumbled an apology.

“Sweetheart, you're showing symptoms.” Noak whispered. “Have you not started taking your medication again?”

**Worthless.**

“Stop.” Silas snapped.

Noak shrunk back at the snap.

“Sorry.” Silas mumbled again. “I'm fine.” He said. “I told you I'm fine.” He said, despite Noak not uttering another word.

Noak licked at his top lip and just watched Silas for a moment; the smaller man looked so lost. Noak wanted to help him. He only asked about the medication because Silas explicitly told him that he would take it again, to try and prevent things like this from happening.

“D-do you want me to go?” Noak asked quietly.

Silas nodded but didn't look at him. He could hear loud screaming inside his head, no words,  just screaming. His tears started to fall harder. He looked up at the ceiling. Something moved.

“That's probably the best idea.” Silas whispered, closing his hands into fists and digging nails into his palms.

**[Bleed you son of a bitch.]**

Silas balled his fists tighter, nails digging into the heels of his hands. He followed a dark shadow down from the ceiling, that moved from the door of his living room and into the center. He kept his eyes fixed on the shapeless form. His nails ripped open the skin on his palms and Noak noticed.

Noak reached and took Silas’s hands one at a time, prying open his fists. He looked down at his palms and thought he should get them cleaned up before the scratches got infected.

“Silas, don’t do dis to yourself.” Noak said, softly.

“Don’t touch me.” Silas said and pushed Noak away.

The shadow moved closer and Silas bit his bottom lip, chewing it nervously.

“Get out.” Silas snapped at the shadow.

**Worthless.** _ Silas fucked this up.  _ **Worthless.**

Noak moved to stand up. Silas still wasn't looking at him but did not mention to Noak what he was looking at.

“I am going to um, I’ll be in deh other room. I need to get someding for your hands. You’re bleeding.” Noak said, offering a soft smile that Silas didn't see.

“No.” Silas said, looking down at his hands. “I deserve this.” He sighed.

Noak frowned. “No you don't.” He said. “You never deserve someding like dis, Sweetheart. Never.”

Silas sobbed in reply. He looked up again but past Noak. His eyes focused on the dark shadow moving across the room.

“I can leave you alone, if you’d like dat. I will be back to check on you?” Noak offered. He was willing to sit in the kitchen or bedroom if Silas needed his space to calm down.

“Don't.” Silas snapped as the shadow moved closer. He hadn't heard what Noak had said.

Noak felt his heart sink.

“Okay.” He said, crushed.

“Just go.” Silas said quietly. His eyes were fixed on the shapeless shadow. “Get out of here. Leave me alone.”

**[Kill yourself.]** _ You’re so stupid. _

“I am sorry Silas.” Noak whispered.

The shadow moved closer to Silas and an eye popped out of the center of it. Silas closed his eyes to block it. He still felt it there, looking at him.

_ Disgusting shit. You're a pathetic mess. [He'll pay for this.]  _ **Worthless.**

Silas's chest felt tight and his head started to ache. He opened his eyes and saw the shadow move closer. Noak stood off to the side but Silas never saw him.

“I don’t want you here!” Silas said firmly, almost a yell.

Noak nodded to himself and went to the hallway to grab his coat. He put it on, checking the pocket for his mobile. It was there.

“I fucking hate you!” Silas shouted at the shapeless form. “Get out of here.” He cried.

Noak froze, thinking Silas was talking to him. He wasn’t, he was talking to the shadow that sat down next to him, staring at him with a big, grey, misshapen eyeball.

“Go away. This is your fault. Leave me alone. You've ruined my life.” Silas yelled.

Silas was unaware that Noak had actually left. He was unaware of everything around him, except the shadow.

Noak left without saying another word. He'd just gotten the front door closed when he broke down and started to cry. He went to his car and climbed in. He didn’t bother to buckle up. He just sat there crying it out. He was too upset to be mad but he knew he'd be at least a little angry about it in the morning.

Noak understood his boyfriend had an illness. He didn't understand why he had to yelled at him, didn’t understand why he was asked to leave. Wiping his eyes, he buckled his seatbelt and started the car. Noak backed out of the driveway and sped off, the anger starting to sink in. He decided he'd head towards Anna's flat before giving her a call once he was on the motorway.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Silas was left alone in the house once Noak had left. He spaced out for an hour, just sitting in his living room. He hadn’t been sleeping. He looked around the room. The shadow had gone. The feelings it gave him had not. Silas looked around, seeing he was still in the living room. He screamed, a wordless sound and kicked his laptop onto the floor. It banged against the hardwood but didn't appear to break. A sound from the doorway caught his attention.

_ Click. Click. Click. _

“What is that?” Silas shouted into the empty room; for ten minutes he'd heard the clicking sound and it was irritating.

_ Click. Click. Click. _

“I told you to go.” Silas said.

_ Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. _

“Fucking STOP THAT!” Silas yelled into the darkness. “Stop clicking. Stop it. Stop that right now! Stop.” He shouted.

The clicking stopped. Silas sighed, a bit relieved. His head hurt and it hurt badly.

“Why are you are so angry Silas? What has you all fired up?” Someone said and stepped out of the darkness to join Silas in the living room.

It was Luci.

“Pretty sure I've told you to fuck off.” Silas said, holding his head as he started to feel a worse pounding behind both eyes.

He groaned, knowing the coming migraine would show him no mercy.

Luci ignored his words and moved further into the room, sitting in the chair that Noak had occupied earlier.

“You've told me to fuck off on numerous occasions and I never listen. I know you think you don’t want me around but trust me, you love it when I'm here.” Luci said, sounding rather arrogant.

Silas couldn't stand her arrogance. He hated her and didn't enjoy how things tended to go to shit for him when she was around. He was always reminded of how Luci could be very persuasive and often got Silas into trouble every time he looked at her.

Her very long and pale face reminded him of the sheep incident and he told himself it wasn't because she looked like a malnourished goat. He laughed darkly at the thought. The thought amused him on some level.

“That's hurtful.” Luci said, looking at him.

Silas looked at her, confused.

“Do I at least look like a pretty malnourished goat?” She asked him and leaned back in her seat.

“How?” He asked.

Luci grinned at him. She crossed one leg over the other and raised a penciled on eyebrow.

“I'll never tell.” She sang.

“Why do you bother me all the time?” Silas asked. “Isn’t there anyone else you can do this to? Why me?”

“Stop that. I don't bother you.” Luci said “You just view it as bothersome and that too, hurts my feelings.” She explained.

Silas rolled his eyes.

“Do you even have feelings?” Silas asked and up from the sofa. He left the room.

Luci was up and right behind him.

“Yes I have feelings. Do you, you piece of shit?” She said, putting her hands on his shoulders.

“Stop following me.” Silas said and shrugged her away.

“No. I've got serious business to tend to.” She said. “And to answer your question. It’s you because I like you Silas. You know this.” She added. “You're important to me.”

Silas scoffed.

Luci followed him all the way to the kitchen and jumped up to sit on the counter as he went through the motions to make tea.

“Nope. You don't want that one.” She said as he reached for the box black tea.

He went to grab the green.

“Ah-ah, not that one either.” Luci said. “You want coffee.” She added and leaned close to him. “We are about to have a long assed heart to heart… and yes before you ask, I have a heart. It may be black and broken but it’s there.” She added with a wink.

Silas looked at her and put the kettle away. He brushed past her to get to the coffee maker. He set to brew himself a strong pot and leaned next to Luci while he waited.

“What's troubling you my handsome little man?” She asked, tapping the side of his thigh with the pointed toe of her high heeled boot. “And don't you tell me nothing. I know better.” She added, tapping his temple with a sharp filed fingernail.

“If you know better, why ask?” He said, looking at the counter and not her.

“I'm not a mind reader!” She said with a snort.

Silas looked up at her like he didn’t believe it.

“You know, sometimes I think you are.” He said.

He looked away and focused on the sound of the coffee starting to brew and drip into the carafe below.

“Maybe you're just easy to read.” She replied and gave his behind a swift kick.

“Ow!” Silas shouted.

“What ow? You liked that! Don't you get off on stuff like that you kinky boy?” Luci said. “Tell me, what's on your mind?” She said, her tone demanding and her stare hard to ignore.

“I lost my job.” Silas said. “I think I lost my boyfriend too.” Silas added and there was zero emotion in his tone.

Luci made a humming sound. She sounded mildly interested.

“Did you ever think that maybe you lost your job because of that silly boyfriend?” She asked, tilting her head.

“I thought it yes.” He said. “But I was wrong. It's not his fault.”

“What if I told you that it is his fault?” Luci whispered. “That he lied about everything? He doesn't love you. He's out to hurt you Silas. What would you believe if I told you that he sent those emails that got you fired?

“What?” He asked, genuinely confused about what she was saying. “You're lying.”

“Your boy toy, what's his name? Nate? Noah? Noak!” Luci started. “Maybe he's a distraction. Maybe if you ditch him you'd get that job back.” She answered.

“That's crazy.” Silas said.

Luci grinned again. “You're crazy.” She whispered.

Silas narrowed his eyes at her. “No. I'm not.” He said firmly.

“Oh baby.” She purred. “I struck a nerve.” She said and touched his face.

Silas swatted her hand away.

“Fuck you.” He said, looking right at her.

“You wanna?” Luci asked, hopeful. “Never fucked a guy with a cock ring.” She added and licked over her lips.

“Eww. No. No way.” Silas replied and gagged.

“Tell me about Noak.” Luci whispered.

“No.” Silas said.

“Why not?” She asked, pouting.

“Just no.” Silas snapped. “Leave him out of this.” He whispered.

The kitchen was quiet except for the drip of the coffee but even that stopped eventually. Silas grabbed his mug and filled it up for himself. He left room for milk. He didn't offer any to Luci, if she wanted it she could get it herself. He turned to the fridge and got out milk. He poured that into the mug, filling the space he'd left.

“Noak really is the reason you got fired, you know.” Luci said after putting up with the silence for so long.

Silas slammed the milk carton onto the counter.

“You're lying.” Silas said.

“Am not.” Luci countered. “And he knows he fucked it up for you. That's why he left without argument.” She continued.

Silas felt nauseous.

“He wouldn't do that.” Silas argued. “He wouldn’t hurt me. He said he didn't do it.” He said.

“Ha!” Luci exclaimed. “I got you to talk about him.” She laughed.

Silas glared at her.

“You know I'm not lying to you Silas. As your friend, I am here to tell you that it was Noak who got you fired. I don't care how sweet he is; you gotta lose him.” Luci said.

“No!” Silas said angrily. “I’ve got to lose you. I don’t even know why you keep showing up. I don’t like you. I don’t enjoy the company. I never said we were friends.” He said.

Silas sipped at his coffee. He spit it out, realizing he forgot to add sugar. He closed his eyes and hoped when he reopened them Luci would have gone. He didn’t have such luck.

“Oh that’s so hurtful Silas.” Luci sighed. “After all we have done together? We absolutely are friends, maybe even more.” She said with a wink. “Oh, I don’t know Babe. Are we accomplices? Enablers? We could be lovers if you’d just give me the chance. I'm a giving lover, you'll see.” She added, miming a blowjob.

“Eww.” Silas said.

Luci laughed.

“At least humor me, have you fucked your boyfriend yet?” She said and looked at him all wide eyed. “It’s been so long since I’ve been with anyone Silas.” She whispered. “So very long.” She sighed and looked away from him.

Silas felt her hand on his shoulder. She traced her pointed nail down his neck. She used her other hand to play with his hair. Silas wanted to push her away but he had frozen.

“Tell me what it’s like with Noak. Is he good in bed?” She whispered. “Does he have a big cock? Does he it shove it up your arse?” She asked, breathing down his neck. “Does he make you scream?”

Silas pushed her and side stepped away. He felt nauseous.

“No? Have I got it all wrong? Do you put your cock in his arse? Can he make you cum?” She continued.

“If I offer you coffee, will you shut the fuck up?” He said, completely ignoring everything she had been saying.

Luci chuckled darkly.

“Babe, I prefer whiskey or gin.” Luci purred. “Come drinking with me.” She said, hopping off the counter and sliding up behind him. “Take me drinking and maybe I’ll let you kiss me.” She giggled.

Silas side stepped further away from her.

“No. No drink. No kiss. No.” He said. “I want you to go.” He said, voice was cool and calm.

“What if I don’t want to go?” She asked, challenging him.

“I don’t give a flying fuck what you want Luci. This is my house, now get the hell out of my kitchen.” He said.

“You’ve become so boring.” She said. “Damn you're going to bore me to death Silas.

‘I wish you would die.’

“Not my problem you think that.” Silas said.

“Give in and let’s go to the pub, Babe.” Luci did her best to sound convincing. “I’ll drink you under the table then suck you under the table.” She said, winking.

“Go! Just go away.” Silas said. “Get out of my life.” He sobbed.

Luci sat there staring at Silas and he thought her expression was one of pity. She shook her head and Silas looked away. He closed his eyes.

“I did it, Silas.” Luci whispered.

“Did what?” Silas asked, turning to look at her.

“I sent those emails that got you fired.” She said.

“What?” Silas shouted. He was furious.

“You shouldn’t have told Noak about me.” Luci whispered, sliding her fingers around the back of his neck. “It would have saved you a lot of trouble my dear.” She added and gave his neck a squeeze.

The last thing Silas remembered was dropping his coffee mug and it shattering across the tiles in his kitchen. He didn’t recall collapsing to the floor, completely blacked out.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Meanwhile:

Anna answered the knock at her door, knowing it was her brother. He had called her twenty minutes prior asking if he could come by, he had to talk to her. The conversation was kept brief while on the phone. The only thing she knew about the night Noak had was that he’d left Silas’s place pretty shaken up. She let him inside, waiting for him to take off his coat before she hugged him close and kissed his cheek.

“Come sit. I have wine. Do you want wine?” Anna said, speaking quickly as she led him into the living room and sort of forced him to sit on the sofa.

“Wine would be great.” Noak replied, wanting to drink away the empty feeling in his chest.

Anna disappeared into the kitchen. She returned with two stemless goblets and a half bottle of merlot. She poured a glass for Noak first, handing it to him before pouring her own. She took a sip, plopping down on the cushion next to him. She reached her hand up to his face and traced over his puffy eyes.

“You have cried a lot.” Anna commented. “Tell me what the hell happened.” She said.

Noak gulped down his wine and set the empty glass on the end table. He looked at his sister and nodded his head. He couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. He wanted to believe that Silas meant nothing that he’d said to him but the words still hurt.

“Ja, I have been crying.” Noak said. “I’ve had a shit night.” He sighed.

Anna looked at him, smiled sympathetically, took a sip from her wine and set the glass to rest on her thigh. She shifted to face her brother.

“Tell me what is bothering you Sweetie.” She said.

“I have to tell you someding but you have to promise me dat you will tell no one. It can’t even get back to Silas dat I told you dis.” Noak said.

“I promise.” Anna said.

“Swear to me.” Noak said. “On our fader.” He whispered.

Anna’s eyes went wide. Noak would never ever swear on their deceased father; whatever he was about to tell her was serious.

“I swear, you know anything you ever say to me is safe.” Anna said, sipping her wine. “Now please, tell me what you have to tell me.” She pushed.

Noak looked at his sister and believed he had her word. He felt absolutely terrible that he was going back on his word with his boyfriend. If he thought there was another option, he'd keep quiet but he felt there wasn't anything else. He had to tell his sister.

“Silas is sick Anna.” Noak said.

“Oh my god, he’s dying isn’t he?” Anna interrupted.

“No!” Noak said quickly. “It’s not dat kind of sick.”

Anna nodded her head slowly as Noak continued.

“He told me he was diagnosed schizophrenic a few years ago and he asked me to keep dat quiet so please, don’t let anyone know, especially not at work.” He explained.

“I had no idea.” Anna said. “Oh that poor man.” She whispered.

“Anna, he is off his medication and it’s making his symptoms worse.” Noak said. “And he’s off his medication because of me, someding wid deh side effects. He doesn't like dat dey stop him feeling dings.” He whispered.

“Noak, why would he stop taking his medication for you?” Anna asked, then her eyes went wide when she put two and two together. “You're fucking him.” She gasped and sounded momentarily excited for her brother.

“Ja, now shut up.” Noak said, blushing and reached for more wine.

Noak filled his glass and drank it down in another go. He filled it once more and moved the bottle to top off Anna’s glass.

“So what happened?” Anna asked.

“Well, a few weeks ago, he’d had dis sort of freak out of sorts. It was like someding in him snapped. He said really terrible dings about me. He apologized and dat is what prompted him to tell me about deh condition in deh first place.” Noak said. “He told me, in confidence, dat no one but me and his doctors know, so please, don’t let dis slip out Anna.” He explained.

“I told you Noak, my word.” Anna said and touched her brother’s shoulder.

“Tonight, he was just… He accused me of sending out emails in his name and den… den he just…” Noak started then changed his train of thought, “I dought dat he wanted me dere always. He asked me to leave him alone, dat dis was my fault. He said he hated me. It wasn’t like him Anna.” He said, crying again.

Anna was at a loss on what to say. Her heart hurt for her brother. It hurt for Silas too. She’d known the small and lanky man a while and she was certain he didn’t have a mean bone in his body. He was definitely odd, extremely eccentric, but she never suspected he’d be in a mood like Noak was describing.

“Did something set him off or was this out of nowhere?” She asked him.

Noak wiped at his eyes and sniffled back his running nose.

“Someding set him off. Actually, I want to ask you about it.” Noak said. “Do you know why Evan fired him?” He asked.   


Anna looked at him like she had no idea that it had even happened.

“What? No! Wait, fired him?” Anna said, and she downed the last of her wine.

Anna was so confused. Silas was their top writer. Slow to complete the work, but his articles always brought in the most feedback for the paper. The issues he wrote tended to sell the most. She shook her head, mouth open as she thought of what words to say.

“Noak, I promise you, I had no idea this was coming. Oh my gods. Why would Evan do this?” She said, completely blindsided with the news.

Noak shook his head. He too, was at a loss.

“Silas showed me an email in which he was asked not to write for deh paper anymore. When I tried to talk about it, he just got nasty wid me.” He said. “He asked if I'd sent dem.”

Anna frowned. “Why the hell would he think that?”

“I don't know Anna. Dis is all part of deh confusion of it all.” He whispered. “I dink he believed dat I didn't send deh emails but in deh next minute he was blaming me for his problems and telling me to go.”

“I do not understand this at all.” Anna whispered.

“Can I have more wine?” Noak asked, after lifting the bottle to find it was almost empty.

“Of course.” Anna said and got up from the sofa.

She went back into the kitchen and came back with another bottle. She popped the top and poured another glass for her brother. She set it down on the table and took a seat once more.

“Now Noak, you can have all the wine you want,” She said, “I have plenty to share but you will sleep on my sofa as you have had more than three.” She smiled at him, hoping to cheer him up. 

“Yes. I know I will not drive.” He assured her.

She looked up at him and wished she knew what else she could say on the Silas matter.

“I am not sure what I can do to help Silas sort this out, but I can talk to Evan.” Anna said.

Noak nodded his head.

“ _ Tack. _ ” He whispered.

“I am sorry Noak.” Anna said, just to say something as she thought of something useful to add to the conversation. “Maybe you can give a call to Silas tomorrow and see how he is feeling. Give him the night to calm down. I know there is no excuse for how he treated you but maybe it was just a reaction to the bad news?” She settled on those words.

Noak nodded.

“You are right Anna, probably.” Noak said. “I would like to dink dat he doesn’t suddenly hate me but dis sort of ding has happened so many times before wid deh men I’ve dated I can’t help but feel scared.” He whispered.

Noak sipped his wine and rested the glass on his knee. He held onto it, not trusting it to balance. He looked at his sister. The look on his face was pure distress. He looked as poorly as he felt. He looked down at the floor and sighed.

“Everytime I dink I found someone, it gets fucked up. Every damn time.” He whispered. “I didn't want dis one to end up fucked. I love him Anna. I love him and I told him so.”

Anna shifted closer to her brother. She took his wine glass from him and set it on the table. She put her hand on his leg in a comforting gesture.

“Look at me Noak.” She whispered.

Noak looked up and wiped at his eyes.

“You are a great person, Noak. You are not just my big brother, you are my best friend, truly. Those assholes you have dated in the past are just that, assholes.” Anna said, reaching to take hold of her brother’s hand. “Do not take weaker men’s stupidity for letting you go out on yourself. You are a delight to have around and they missed out on greatness.” She finished and smiled at him encouragingly.

Noak nodded his head. It felt nice to hear the compliment. He took a breath and nodded again. She was right. Anna squeezed his hand before letting it go.

“Now, that being said, I do not think Silas is one of those assholes. I think in time he will stop pushing you away. He’s unwell, you will have to be patient with him. If you love him like you say you do, don’t you think you can be?” Anna said and drank down her wine.

“Ja.” Noak said.

“You’re scared of being rejected and pushed away. You tell me that Silas hasn’t told anyone else about his schizophrenia, do you not think that he is scared too?” She whispered. “I think maybe he wants you there Noak. He trusts you, him telling you about himself proves that. You don't have to feel bad for being upset. He treated you badly, I know, but maybe he didn't mean to, and you need to drop your silly fears and help him battle his own.” She added. “You cannot fix his problems but you can help and not give up on him so easily. I know how much you care for him, big brother. Don't throw it all away just yet.”

Noak was quiet for a very long time. He reached for his glass and drank the last of his wine. When he looked back to Anna, his tears had dried and he smiled.

“You are right about dat. I will talk to him tomorrow.” He said.

Anna smiled, happy to have helped out her brother, and indirectly help out a good friend.

“What do you say we watch a movie and drink some more wine?” Anna suggested. “I will go grab you a pillow and some blankets. You can stay here the night.” She said.

“Dat sounds like a good idea.” Noak said. “Danks again Anna.” He whispered with a smile.

“You’re welcome.” Anna said with a smile.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **The following chapter contains heavy drug use and very poor decision making.**

16 July 2006

**Crazy. Worthless.** _Why aren’t you awake yet? [Silas died in his sleep. He is gone.]_ _Are you gone Silas? Welcome to Hell._ **Worthless.**

The sun was coming up and the presence of early morning joggers woke Silas from a fitful sleep. The voices inside his mind quieted down the more awake he became. Silas realized that he was laying out in a very open area of the park. There were lots of people around. Silas sat up and rubbed at his eyes. He felt awful. He ignored the stares of the world around him and got himself up on his feet. He felt incredibly hungover and retreated towards the patch of woods behind him. His stomach grumbled and it occurred to him that he didn't recall the last time he ate. He felt hungry. He made his way through the trees and found his little spot.

Silas sat down and picked through his bag for something to eat. He found nothing. He patted down his pockets, thinking maybe there would be something there. There wasn't but he'd found the bag of coke he took off Luci. He opened it up and took two bumps off his finger. He relaxed against the tree and waited for the drug to kick in. He rummaged through the front pocket of his backpack for spare change. He needed a drink and gin was his first thought.

_Luci was right. [The worthless.]_ **Worthless** ** _._** _You're nothing more than a worthless drunk. [Maybe he is better off dead.]_ **[Kill yourself.]** _Have we told you you're better off dead? [Silas found the cocaine.]_ _We love it, Silas, don’t we?_

“Shut up.” Silas said over and over, banging his head purposely against the tree with each pass of the words.

He felt terrible and let himself fall to a heap on the ground. It'd been three days since he last saw Luci and he was certain she'd never come back. He could feel his heart racing and his body itched to move. His headache begged him to stay put and the cocaine made him want to go.

_[He is so worthless_.] _You drive people away. [Ruins every relationship he has ever had.]_ _You're better off dead. [Silas is worthless_.]

“Fuck!” Silas shouted at nothing. “Fuck you all.” He screamed.

He struggled to stand, using the tree to pull himself up off the ground. He found his footing and paced the small area until he felt confident that he would be able to walk without falling on his face. He couldn’t risk falling anymore. His legs were still scraped and cut up from days before. His body wasn’t healing as it should have.

Silas changed into different clothes. They were still dirty but had not been bloodstained like the ones he’d been wearing for a few days. He wiped the dirt from his face and did what he could to untangle his hair without aid of a comb. He made his way out of the woods, backpack over his shoulder. Silas walked through the park and was muttering to himself. He passed through the gates and found himself on the streets.

He rushed over to the first bin he saw. He started picking through it for anything he could eat. He found a few scraps of a discarded sandwich and he scarfed them down. He glared at anyone who looked at him with disgust. When he finished what he’d taken, he started walking east. He turned to go west when he didn't like the sun in his eyes.

After half an hour walking, Silas found a liquor store. He bought himself a two liter bottle of gin and walked out. He'd spent the last of his money. A passerby called him a slew of nasty names and he shouted nonsensical phrases back at them. He walked until he found an unoccupied ally and ducked into it. He leaned against the wall and took another two bumps of cocaine. He rubbed the residue onto his gums. He opened the bottle of gin and took a sip. Silas sat down and stood back up. He started pacing, back and forth. He didn't know what else to do.

_You're fucking worthless Silas._ **[He is so alone he may as well die.]** _Luci isn't coming back for you._ **[He might as well end it now.]** _Listen to us._ **Worthless.**

“Fuck!” He shouted to a brick wall. “Fucking fuck!” He screamed towards the little patch of sky above him.

Silas started to cry, forced sobs and few tears at first. He paced around, burning off the energy he'd gained from his high. He looked around him, watching a pair of rats crawling out of a torn rubbish bag. Wordless whispers filled his ears. He swatted the air like he was in a cloud of flies. There was nothing around. He didn’t even see a spot he could hide in to nap off the pounding inside his brain. Silas kicked the wall and turned to leave the ally. He continued to walk, turning down side streets and eventually finding himself back on the main road. Silas walked until his legs burned inside. When he couldn't walk anymore he stopped and picked through another bin. He picked out a cup from a coffee chain and started to eat the ice cubes from inside. He sat down on the side of the road. He opened his bottle of gin. He poured some into the cup in his hand.

“Gin on the rocks!” Silas shouted at a passerby and started laughing.

He drank from his cup and continued to chew on the ice cubes. He gulped down half the bottle in such a short period of time that he felt dizzy again. He had just enough sense to close the bottle and tuck it into his backpack for later. He sat there, laughing at the passing cars. His vision was blurred and the ache behind his eyes was excruciating.

_[This is it for Silas.] The end of your worthless life. [The end is coming for Silas.]_ _You’re always so dizzy._

Silas slumped over and leaned his head on his backpack. He spent several hours there, not moving. He fell asleep at some point. When he woke up, the sun was setting. He found himself staring at a building across from him. Something seemed familiar about it but he didn't know what it was. He stayed there for another hour, until it occurred to him what the building was.

“Fuck!” Silas shouted. “Fuck you! Fuck you!” He said, looking across the street.

It was the complex he’d lived in with Luca Cezar, his ex, for the last few years. He didn’t intend to wind up there, he just had. Silas ended up there quite often but never remembered it.

He pulled out his gin and drank most of the remaining liter on his walk back east. The sun had set and the sidewalks became less crowded. Silas wasn’t alone and he felt the few people that crossed his path staring. Silas could feel the pity they had towards him. It made him mutter curses in their direction. That night, well after midnight, Silas somehow got himself back to the woods in Saint George's park. He was fairly certain he saw Luci sitting on a bench on the way there. He said nothing to her nor she to him. He sat himself down and polished off the very last of the gin. He closed his eyes and fell asleep. He slept for two days.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

25 August 2006

The pair made their way into the building and Silas led the way to the lift. He pressed the button and watched as the doors closed. He questioned why he had come. He told himself he would never go back to Luca Cezar’s apartment. He had assumed that his ex wasn’t going to be there. The lift stopped and the doors opened. Silas stepped out first and walked down the long hallway towards the flat at the end. 

“I'm not going in there. I change my mind.” Silas whispered loudly, watching Luci pick at the lock.

“Like hell you aren't!” She said, grabbing his arm. “It's not like he's home right now.” She said and pushed open the door.

“You don’t know that.” He said.

“No, but you do.” She said. “I trust you when you say he isn’t going to be here.” She whispered.

Silas pulled himself from her grasp. Luci walked into the flat and Silas stood awkwardly in the hallway. He shook his head and looked in. He was really second guessing his choice to follow her there.

“Fine. But we're just getting food and a bottle or two.” Silas said. “Then we leave.” He added.

“Yeah. Okay.” Luci said flippantly.

Silas eventually stepped in after her and shut the door behind them. He was shaking and his whole body felt on edge. Every fiber in his being was telling him they needed to go, that this wasn't worth the trouble. Silas reluctantly followed Luci into the kitchen.

“Oh Silas, look.” Luci said and ran towards the refrigerator.

She pointed to something on the outside. Silas looked and felt his heart sink. There was still a picture of Luca and himself hanging on the door. It was from a trip to Mexico, Luca had planned for their one year anniversary of dating. Silas took the picture and shoved it into his pocket. The magnet holding it up clattered against the floor.

“You guys were so perfect. Looked so happy together.” Luci said with a smile.

“Yes, we were, wait- No! The guy was a piece of shit.” Silas said. “We shouldn't be here.” He grumbled.

“Why tell me about it Silas?” Luci asked. “Why tell me how to get here and when to be here if you had no intention of coming?” She added.

“I must've blacked out. I don't remember the conversation. I really don't.” Silas whispered.

He opened the fridge as Luci wandered off. He stared at the contents and pulled out a chunk of cheddar cheese. He peeled away the wrapper and started eating. He was starving. Silas moaned as he took a second bite. Behind him, he could hear Luci opening and closing some cupboards.

“Where does he keep the booze?” Luci asked and looked at Silas, who shrugged.

Silas lowered the cheese reached back into the refrigerator and grabbed a couple of pears. He started eating one and shut the door.

“Silas, where is the booze? You said there was booze.” Luci said loudly.

Silas took a big bite of the cheese and looked over at his friend.

“He's got to have it. All he does is drink.” Silas said, speaking with his mouth full. “Oh my God this food is so good.” Silas said and bit into the second pear before even finishing the first.

Luci just laughed at him. She walked towards the door to the living room.

“I told you you were hungry.” She said and walked out.

Silas sat down on the kitchen floor and gorged himself on fruit and cheese. He reached towards the refrigerator and opened it again. He took out another pear and a bottle of pomegranate juice. He drank some down and set the bottle aside. He slowed down his eating and finished the pear.

“Luci. Come eat.” Silas said from his place on the kitchen floor.

“I ate before. Come here and help me.” Luci called from the living room.

Silas pushed himself up and groaned. He ate too much too fast but he didn't care. He took more cheese from the shelf and shoved it in his bag. He closed the door again, kicked over the bottle of juice and went to the cupboards. He took a packet of onion crackers and a small tin of biscuits from one. At the back of a second cupboard, he found a small bottle of whiskey and bagged that too. He took a couple of bananas off the counter and decided that would do for now.

“Wait, when the hell did you get to eat?” Silas asked as he stepped out of the kitchen.

Luci was standing in the middle of the living room when Silas joined her. She ignored his question. He said nothing of the whiskey he'd found as he didn't want to share. He was still tense and looked around the living room. He was deeply convinced that his ex was going to walk in and find them.

“Does he have a stockpile?” Luci asked.

Silas nodded his head. He made his way over to a small cabinet. He knelt down and opened the bottom doors.

“Jackpot.” Luci said.

Inside were several more bottles of whiskey. There were also a few opened bottles of vodka inside. Silas took two and threw one in the bag. He opened the other and drank down several shots worth. He turned to hand the bottle to Luci and watched her drink.

“Take a whiskey too.” Luci said as she handed back the bottle.

Silas took another swig of vodka before bagging a bottle of Irish whiskey. He threw in a bottle of white wine as well. He zipped up his bag and stood up. The bag was really heavy. Luci was standing behind him and touched his shoulders as he turned around.

“So, where does he keep the drugs?” She asked.

Silas shrugged her away and started to shake his head no.

“No. No Luci. I agreed to take food and booze. Just no. I'm not taking his drugs.” Silas said.

“You're such a buzzkill.” Luci sighed and took the open bottle from him.

“He will notice.” Silas said, snatching the bottle back from her. “He will notice and he’ll find me.” He whispered.

Luci looked at him with wide, pleading eyes. She pouted and started to bat her sparse lashes.

“Fine.” Silas said eventually, just to get her to stop looking at him like she was. “He keeps them in the bedroom.” He sighed and turned to go.

“Let's go get them then.” Luci said and followed Silas down the hall.

They stepped into the room and Silas walked right up to the armoire. He opened the top side drawer and picked through an assortment of bottles he found among the mess.

“Xanax. Morphine. I think this is probably ecstacy.” Silas said, picking up a baggy of two dozen or so colourful pills. “He's got Adderall and Valium.” He added.

“Take a little of everything.” Luci whispered, coming up behind him. “Give us a variety!” She added enthusiastically.

“He's got coke.” Silas said, feeling the first bit excited since they'd broken into the flat. “I shouldn't but I will.” He whispered to himself, pocketing the full amount.

“Ooh, is that acid?” Luci asked, leaning over his shoulder and looking into the drawer.

“Yes. Now stop touching me.” Silas said and shrugged Luci away.

He unzipped the small front pocket of his bag. He took the Xanax and a few of the ecstacy pills. At Luci’s insistence he picked up the bottle of acid.

“Let's do it now.” She said. “Please?” She added.

“I've never done acid.” Silas whispered.

“Really?” Luci asked.

“Yeah really. And I'm not sure I want to.” He said.

“When did you get so fucking boring, Silas?” Luci questioned. “Let's do it together. It's my first time too.” She whispered.

“Fine.” Silas sighed.

He twisted open the bottle and lifted the dropper. He stuck out his tongue and squeezed out two drops. He turned to Luci and dosed her as well. Silas had no idea what sort of doses he'd just given. He put the bottle back and closed the drawer.

“Oh this is going to be so much fun.” Luci squealed, jumping up and down.

“Yeah.” Silas sighed, unsure of what was going to happen.

Silas moved to sit on the foot of the bed. He drank down what was left in the bottle of vodka and set it down. He looked up at Luci. She was rocking back and forth, or maybe Silas was just getting drunk. He set his backpack down and leaned back on the bed. His body remembered the feel of the mattress and he started to cry.

“Yo.” Luci called out.

“What?” Silas asked quietly.

“I think you should fuck me Silas.” Luci said and sat down by his side.

“What? No.” Silas said.

“You know you're tired of jerking off. C’mon Silas, fuck me.” Luci said.

“No.” Silas said and sat up to look at her, disgusted with the very thought.

“Oh c'mon Silas. Why not? We have this bed here. Why waste it?” Luci tried to convince him.

“Luci, listen, I'm not gonna fuck you. Not ever, no matter how much to ask me to.” Silas said, gagging again.

He rolled to the far side of the bed and got sick all over the floor. He felt Luci’s hand on his back. He got sick again, eyes tearing up and stomach cramping.

“Is it because your gay?” Luci asked. “Because if it is, I'll let you stick it in my arse.” She said.

“No!” Silas sobbed and got sick again.

“Fuck, are you that repulsed by me?” Luci asked, stroking his back.

“No.” Silas answered shortly. “I ate too much too fast.” He explained.

“So… would you ever have sex with me?” Luci whispered.

“I doubt it.” Silas said and sat himself up.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He felt terrible and all he could taste was unpleasant cheddar flavoured stomach acid. He looked at his friend and groaned uncomfortably.

“You should take more acid now that you've gotten sick all over.” Luci said.

“You think so?” Silas asked.

“Yes dipshit, I'd not have said so if I didn't think it.” Luci said, rolling her eyes.

“You're really mean sometimes.” Silas whispered and stood up.

“I'm sorry I called you a dipshit.” Luci said. “Is it because I'm mean, you won't have sex with me? I can be nice if you'd like me to.” She added.

Silas ignored her and walked back towards the armoire. He pulled out the acid and redosed himself. He put it away and closed the drawer. Silas finally looked at Luci.

“C’mere.” He said quietly.

Luci grinned and stepped closer. She reached out and touched Silas’s cheek softly.

“You gonna kiss me?” She asked, eyes wide.

Silas slapped her hand away.

“No. I just wanted you close to drill it in your thick skull that my answer is no. I will not ever, ever, ever have sex with you.” He said.

“Dipshit.” Luci whispered and pushed Silas.

Silas stumbled back but found his footing. He laughed quietly. He looked at Luci and watched her sit down on the edge of the bed. He bit his bottom lip.

“Luci.” He said.

She looked over at him but said nothing.

“Can I ask you to do something for me?” Silas asked.

“You want me to blow you, don't you? I'll do it Silas. Just ask.” She said with a glint of mischievousness in her eyes.

Silas sighed loudly and covered his face with his hands as Luci slid down off the bed and started to crawl towards him.

“Not what I want to ask.” He groaned as he dragged his palms down over his cheeks.

“What then?” Luci whispered, looking up at him and she sounded disappointed.

“I was thinking maybe I could hop in the shower, steal some fresh clothes, I dunno.” Silas said.

“You want me to stand guard?” Luci asked.

“Yeah. Could you?” Silas asked with a half smile.

“I'd be honored to be tasked with protecting your naked body.” Luci said with a wink and got back to her feet.

Silas shook his head but laughed. He thanked Luci and headed into the bathroom. He turned on the water and as it heated, he stripped out of the dirty clothes he’d been wearing for weeks. He looked at himself in the full length mirror and felt himself want to be sick again. He’d lost a ton of weight, not that he ever had much to spare. His bones were all pronounced and the dirt on his skin just made them appear to stand out more. He was disgusted with himself.

When the bathroom was filled with steam, Silas stepped into the shower. The hot water ran down and over his back, soothing tense muscles and leaving the skin a deep pink colour once the dirt washed away. He cleaned his hair and gave himself another scrub. He took the rest of the time to just stand there. A half hour had gone by.

Silas was just enjoying the feel of his first shower in months. He moaned happily as it felt good, felt refreshing. He couldn't help himself, allowing for a quick wank to relax further. The scent of the shampoo and body scrub reminded Silas of his ex, he thought about him while doing it but he didn't care.

He was thankful to finally be clean, to feel clean; it had been too long. Suddenly Silas felt his jaw tighten and he started to feel dizzy. He held himself steady, leaning into the dark tiles on the wall. He shut off the water and stood there in total silence.

He stepped out of the shower and the lights around him seemed to glow brighter. They all went out and shrouded him in darkness. The lights flashed back on. He smiled and took a step closer to the vanity. Silas panicked when he realized that couldn't see his face clearly. He could feel it but it wasn’t showing up on the mirror.

“Luci!” Silas shouted towards the door. “Luci get in here! I fuck. Oh fuck. What's happening?” Silas cried.

Luci didn't respond. Silas ran out of the bathroom, uncaring he was naked and dripping wet from his shower. He hurried first to the living room and he didn't see her there. He checked the kitchen next, nothing. He rushed to the bedroom. His backpack was still there at the foot of the bed but no sign of the woman.

“Luci?” He called out. “Fuck. Where did you go?” Silas asked, crying.

The flat was empty. Luci was gone. She'd left him, as he sort of assumed was going to happen. Silas made his way back to the living room. He couldn't think clearly and it started to upset him even more.

He looked down at the floor and screamed out as it seemed to be moving. The motion was fluid, the colour dark and just a little bit shiny. He was staring into what he thought was a black hole in the floor when he heard it. There was something scratching at the window that wanted to get inside. Silas screamed out as the first one broke through.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Silas was laying in the middle of the living room floor when Luci returned to the flat two hours later. He was still naked and had his eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. His heart was beating fast and he was breathing heavily through his nose. Other than his chest moving up and down with every breath, he was completely still.

“Silas?” Luci said, walking up to the man and standing behind him, looking down. “I can see your dangly bits.” She said, laughing. “Hung like a horse you are. Sure we can't fuck?” She added.

“Luci!” Silas said, sitting up and reaching for her. “Get down, they can see us. They'll get us.” He whispered, pulling the woman down onto the floor next to him.

“What are you talking about?” She asked, laughing at him. “Who can see us? No one can see us.” She whispered.

“Yes. Look.” Silas said and was pointing at the wall at the far side of the room. “They climb in through the window and they get you.” He said.

His skin was damp with sweat and his pupils were blown wide. The acid he’d taken was hitting it’s peak performance. His arms and legs were covered with scratch marks, large and grouped in fours. Luci leaned closer to him. She put her hands against his face, pressing her palms to his clammy cheeks and turned him to look at her.

“Who are they?” She asked, amused.

The acid seemingly had no effect on her but Silas was too far gone to notice.

“The rats.” He whispered. “They climb in through the window and they get you.” His voice was shaking. “But if you don’t move, they can’t see you.” He said, speaking even softer.

Luci laughed out loud and stood back up.

“Silas you fucking sod! There are no rats, they’re in your head dipshit.” She said.

Silas screamed as he saw over fifty of the rodents running across the room towards him and Luci. He scrambled to his feet and screamed again, kicking his legs as they crawled up his body. He reached out and tried to knock them off Luci.

“Help me.” He pleaded. “Stop! No. Stop it! Get them off me. Luci! Fuck! I don’t like them.” He shouted, tears rolling over his cheeks. “Stop them! I don't like this!”

Luci fell on the floor literally rolling around laughing. She looked up at the tripping man and smiled at the sheer terror in his eyes. She was amused that he seemed to be having a bad trip. She couldn’t help but enjoy how uncomfortable he was.

“Silas, you look ridiculous!” She said, pointing at him and slammed her fist to the floor as she laughed harder. “Beautifully ridiculous.” She sang.

“Get them away from me!” Silas screamed, shaking his arms as they crawled further up. “Fuck! No! Luci, help me. Get off!” He sobbed. “Get off me. Oh my God I’m gonna die like this.” He cried.

Luci stood up and closed the space between her and Silas. She looked across into his eyes.

“Silas, I need you to calm down.” She said, speaking evenly but there was still a hint of mischievous delight in her grey eyes.

“I can’t.” Silas cried. “They’re gonna kill me.” He said, brushing the invisible rodents off his arms.

Silas reached his arms back, swiping at what he thought was a dozen more rats crawling up and over his back. He could feel their tiny feet and sharp nails clawing at his skin. He did everything he could to get them to go away.

Luci sighed and looked at Silas. She took a deep breath and muttered she was sorry.

“Sorry?” Silas spat. “You’re fucking sorry? You let them in here. They're going to kill me.” He said.

Luci blinked slowly. She shook her head in a disapproving manner.

“Not sorry about the rats, which aren't even real by the way.” She said. “Sorry about this.” She said and slapped him across the face. “Snap out of it Babe. They’re in your head.” She shouted at him.

“Ow.” Silas cried and crumpled onto the floor.

He closed his eyes and could still feel them crawling over his skin.

“Help me.” He sobbed and his body was shaking.

“Get up and go put some clothes on.” Luci said and gave him a swift kick in the bum. “They can’t climb on fabric.” She lied to motivate the lanky man to move.

“They can’t?” Silas asked, looking up at her. “Help me up.” He said and reached to take her hand.

Luci pulled Silas up off the floor and to humor him, gave him a moment to brush himself off. She led him into the bedroom. She pushed him onto the bed and started to pick through the closet for something to dress him in.

“Luci, I don’t feel so good.” Silas said, rolling onto his side. “The lights.” He whispered, wiggling his fingers towards the ceiling.

“Silas, you’re having a bad trip. You need to calm down. None of this is real.” She said, walking over to the bed carrying a pair of designer jeans and a few shirts for him to try on.

“Let’s play dress up. Doesn’t that sound like fun?” She said, setting the clothes down on the bed next to him.

“No.” Silas said, curling up on himself. “They’re gonna get in here. I’m going to die tonight.” He cried.

Luci laughed darkly. She sat down on the bed next to her friend. She put her hand on his back and started to stroke up and down his spine. Her fingers felt like ice against his heated skin and he flinched at her touch.

“Come on Silas. You can do this. We have places to be.” Luci said, reaching for his arm and pulling him up into a seated position.

Silas didn’t want to be sitting, didn’t want to be doing anything, but let himself be pulled up. He looked at Luci and reached out to touch her.

“You’re real.” He whispered, trailing his fingers over her cheek.

“Of course I’m real, dipshit.” Luci said. “Now put these on.” She instructed as she handed him the jeans.

“The rats.” Silas whispered as he stood up, pulling the jeans onto his skinny legs.

The clothes fit loosely. Silas’s ex had a small frame like Silas had and they would swap clothes frequently while they were dating. It was Silas’s weight loss that made them fit just a bit too big. He reached for a black shirt from the pile Luci had brought over. He pulled it on.

“They can’t get me now?” He asked, looking at Luci.

“No. You’re safe.” Luci said, smiling at him. “Now let’s go. Places to be.” She said and jumped up from her seat on the bed. “Wait, you need shoes too. Do you fit in his shoes?” She asked.

“I fit in my shoes. They’re in the bathroom. I don't want my shoes. Rats all over them. Disgusting diseases.” Silas said. “Don’t you think the lights look funny?” He muttered and stumbled forwards.

Silas sat down on the bed and looked at his backpack. He remembered there were drugs and alcohol inside. He reached down and pulled the bag up from the floor. He pulled out a bottle of whiskey and downed several gulps. When he looked back up, Luci was gone again.

“Where are you?” Silas whispered, frightened. “The rats got her.” He said, sobbing. “Luci is dead. Oh my God this is all my fault. She's dead and it's my fault.” He cried.

Luci returned to the room carrying Silas’s dirty pair of trainers.

“Put these on and we have to go.” Luci said in a hurry.

“You’re not dead?” Silas said looking at her.

“Not last time I checked.” Luci said. “The real question is was I ever alive to begin with?” She said in a teasing tone.

“Stop messing with me. Fuck. The lights. The rats. I don’t need you to get weird on me too.” Silas said and took the shoes from her hand.

He went to the armoire and took out a clean pair of white socks. He went back to the bed and sat down. He put the socks onto his feet before the shoes. Once he was done he looked at Luci.

“Where are we going?” He asked. “Can we leave all of this here?” He added.

Silas’s mind was clouded. He really had no idea what was going on. He felt the room spin and like the floor was uneven.

“No. We have to take it.” Luci said. “Grab your bag and lets go.” She added in a hurry.

Silas rolled off the bed and picked up the backpack, slinging it over his arm. He followed Luci out of the flat. They didn’t speak at all in the lift. When they reached street level, Silas started crying.

“What is wrong with you now?” Luci asked, turning to him. “Quiet down, you’re just drawing attention to yourself.” She said, wiping his eyes for him.

“It’s too loud. It’s too big.” Silas whispered. “I can’t be outside.” He said.

“I have an idea. Follow me.” Luci said and lead the way to a small park across the street from the building they’d just left.

Silas reached out and held onto Luci’s arm for balance. He also didn’t want to risk losing her in the crowd of people walking on the sidewalk. In reality, there were maybe ten people within eyeshot; Silas was seeing counts in the hundreds. He felt every single one of them looking at him. His stomach clenched and he leaned over, getting sick into a bush.

“Are you alright?” Luci said, turning to him. “Don’t die on me yet. I need you.” She said, rubbing over his hunched back.

“I got sick, I’m not dying.” Silas said and looked up at Luci.

From the angle he was seeing her, the lights behind her danced like bright flames. He was certain it looked like she had a pair of wings as well. He looked away, the image not sitting right with him. He stumbled away from Luci and got sick into a second bush.

“Alright, alright. Get this out of your system Babe. We have five minutes then we need to go.” Luci said and took a seat in a nearby bench.

“Disgusting drunk.” Some random passerby muttered.

“Fuck you!” Silas shouted at their back.

“Luci?” Silas said, feeling a sense of panic wash over him yet again. “Oh fuck, where did she go?” He whispered, spinning around and falling flat on his arse.

“I’m right here dipshit. Stand up. Your five minutes is up.” Luci said and walked over to Silas.

She leaned down and pulled him up by the back of his shirt. Once he had his footing she stepped back.

“Okay. Here is the plan. See that white car over there?” She said, pointing to the side.

Silas looked over. “Yes.” He said, nodding.

“We’re going to steal it.” Luci said.

“Yes. Wait! We are what?” Silas said, feeling the first sense of reality sink in since his acid trip had started.

“We are stealing that car and getting the fuck out of London.” Luci said. “I can hotwire it but I need you to drive.” She explained.

“Why that car?” Silas asked, looking back at it.

The more he stared at it, the more he thought it looked like a giant marshmallow on wheels. He looked back at Luci and shook his head. The buildings around him seemed to be swaying in a wind that wasn’t there.

“I don't like that car.” Silas said. “That car is no good. I don’t trust it.” He said and laughed.

“But you’re okay to steal a car?” Luci asked, impressed, thinking it would take a lot more suggestion to get him to agree to the whole idea.

“Yeah, not that one. I want that one.” Silas said and pointed to a black SUV parked on the same side of the street.

Luci looked at Silas and her smile beamed brightly.

“I like your style Babe.” She said and walked closer to him.

“Okay. One more thing for me.” Luci whispered, leaning close to Silas’s ear. “I need you to create a distraction while I work to get it started.” She said and kissed his cheek as she pulled away.

“What kind of distra-” Silas started but stopped when Luci flicked a lighter and singed his hair.

Silas screamed at her and took off running. The little singe ignited into a flame and Silas started smacking the side of his head to get it to go out.

“Fuck you Luci. Fuck!” He screamed and fell to the ground.

Luci walked back towards him and reached out for his hand. The flame had gone out.

“Thanks Love.” She said and smiled at him. “The damage is minimal, nothing a trim won’t fix.” She said, playing with the singed pieces around his face.

“You fucking set me on fire.” Silas spat.

“Yes, and?” Luci said, unapologetically. “Let’s go, I got the car started.” She said and dragged Silas over to it.

Silas climbed into the driver’s seat and waited for Luci to get into the passenger's side. He looked at her. He was angry. It started to rain, just a light drizzle.

“Get over it. Let's go.” Luci said. “You do have a licence, right?” She asked him.

“Yes.” Silas said, laughing. “That’s what you’re worried about?” He said, starting to second guess the whole idea of stealing a car.

The fact that he was both drunk and high never crossed his mind as being a bad idea. He put on his seatbelt and looked at Luci before reaching to put on his indicator. The windshield wipers started going at a high speed and Silas started cursing. Luci just sat there laughing. After another minute, Silas had the wipers slow enough for the drizzle and his indicator on. He waited for the traffic to clear and he pulled out into the road. He slowed down as he approached the first intersection.

“Hey Luci.” Silas whispered.

“Hmm?” Luci said and reached across to play with his hair.

“Is that light red or green?” Silas asked, the trip messing with his ability to tell the lights apart.

“Red.” Luci answered.

Silas stopped the car and waited for the light to change. When it changed, he didn’t move.

“You can go now.” Luci said, laughing.

Silas hit the gas lightly and rolled through the light. He pressed a little harder and started to speed up.

“Don’t fucking laugh at me Luci. I need you to be my eyes. Can I trust you?” He said, turning to her and almost immediately back at the road.

He slammed on his breaks as the car in front of him slowed to a stop. The next light was red as well.

“Of course you can trust me Babe.” Luci purred and pet Silas on the cheek.

“Can I put on music?” She asked but reached for the stereo before Silas even answered.

The music that blared from the speakers had come from a CD that had been playing when the car had been shut off. It was Britney Spears. Luci moved to switch to radio but Silas stopped her.

“No. I like this.” Silas said.

Luci laughed.

“What?” Silas asked.

Luci sighed.

“It could be worse.” She said and settled into her seat.

The drive out of the city was stop and go. Silas was extra cautious and heavy on the brakes. His mind was spinning but singing along to the upbeat pop music helped him to focus. Luci was quiet for a long time, Silas almost forgot she was there.

The road was empty once they cleared from the city traffic. The rain was coming down more steadily. The music had run its course and Luci demanded they change it before she had to listen to another minute of it. She reached into the back seat and pulled the backpack into her lap. She dug out the whiskey and took a hearty drink. She passed the bottle to Silas and he drank some as well. He handed it back to her and pressed his foot to the gas. The car sped up and they were cruising along at 100mph.

Luci put the bag on the floor between her legs. She rolled down her window and shouted out at a few cows along the road. Silas laughed and turned up the volume on the radio. Luci had chosen an alternative station. The music blared and they both started singing along. Silas opened his window too, letting the cool breeze and rain drops rush over his face. He pressed harder against the gas and sped up.

The sun had set and the pair made their way to no place in particular. The rain started to fall heavier in some places. Silas upped the speed of the wipers. They cruised along the winding road. He felt loopy. He was glad to be out of London and found he was glad to be with Luci. He chanced a glance over at her and smiled.

“I'm sorry I ever doubted you as a friend.” Silas shouted over the music and roar of the engine.

They were cruising at a speed close to 150mph.

“I forgive you for living a miserable life.” Luci shouted in reply.

Luci leaned down to pick up the whiskey. She took a shot then another. She passed the bottle to Silas. He slowed the car down as he lifted the bottle to his lips. Luci reached over and put her hand on Silas’s thigh, just over the knee.

“Go faster.” She said, creeping her hand up his leg.

Silas lowered the bottle and looked over at her. His eyes went wide as she ghosted her fingers over the outline of his cock. He thought about telling her to stop but the fog in his mind lost the words before they found his lips. His foot pressed down on the gas, as far as it would go and the car picked up speed. They topped off at over 180mph. He let the bottle rest between his legs and put both hands on the wheel. He looked at the road before them, open and empty.

“Faster.” Luci said again, pressing her hand harder against his crotch.

“I can't.” Silas yelled. “I'm at the top speed.” He said.

Luci looked at him and smiled a little sadly.

“Silas, I'm so sorry.” She said, squeezing his thigh.

“What?” Silas asked, taking his eyes off the road just as Luci grabbed the wheel with her other hand.

The SUV veered off the road, then back onto it as Silas tried to fight her grip and control. They hydroplaned for several meters before Silas got the car back under control.

“What the fuck?” He shouted. “I trusted you. This isn’t funny.” He said.

“I know, Love.” Luci said and pulled down, jerking the wheel. “I’m not laughing. I really liked you.” She whispered.

The car went right off the road and hit a ditch, flipping onto its side. It skidded across the edge of some farmland, spraying mud and water everywhere and taking down a fence and several sheep on the way. Silas was screaming as Luci remained quiet. The car rolled upside down and finally stopped when it crashed into a cement post at the end of the farmer's driveway. Silas’s head slammed against the steering wheel and everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't ever condone driving while intoxicated.  
> It's bad. It's dangerous and irresponsible.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes a push for self harm and suicide.**

Silas woke the following morning groggy and disoriented. He was lying on his kitchen floor, confused as to how he had gotten there. The sun was up and he was alone in the house. There was a dull ache at the back of his neck and a sharper pain in his hip, he guessed from hitting the cabinets on his way down. For a long while, he didn’t move. His body hurt and he felt exhausted. Slowly, he sat himself up. He looked around the room. He vaguely remembered Noak being there the night before and remembered he had tears in his eyes. He reached for his face and rubbed his hands down over it. He yawned and pulled himself to his feet. It took a minute for his head to stop spinning.

“Shit.” He muttered, seeing the broken mug on the floor and the coffee that had spilled out around it.

He spent the next few minutes cleaning up the mess. As he dumped the dustpan into the rubbish bin, he remembered he’d been visited by Luci the night before. He felt his body tense, as it tended to do whenever she crossed his mind.

**Worthless.** ‘No. Not now.’ **Worthless.** ‘I said stop it.’ _You’re scared._ **Fuck up.**

“Stop it!” Silas shouted.

Making his way out of the kitchen to use the toilet, Silas found that his front door was wide open. He cursed under his breath and went to close it. He looked outside, thinking maybe Noak had come by but his car wasn’t in the driveway. Silas pushed the door closed and didn’t bother locking it.

_ [Better off dead.] _

He stood there in the hallway, lost in his own head. He started to cry.

“Luci? If you’re still here just come talk to me. I don’t want to deal with your shit. I don’t feel right.” Silas said, loud enough to be heard throughout the house. “Hello?” He called out.

_ You’re just no good. _

There was no reply so Silas assumed he was actually alone. He went into the toilet and shut himself inside. After using the toilet, he took a quick shower to clear his head. When he was done he headed to his bedroom, wrapped in a towel. He stayed alert, wondering if he was alone or not. His room was empty when he got there.

**Worthless.** _You’re never alone._ **Worthless.**

Silas went through the motions of getting himself dressed and ready for the day. The voices were loud but he concentrated on ignoring them, unsuccessfully. The longer he stayed off his medication, the louder they got and the harder they became to ignore. He sat down on the side of his bed. He stood back up and went to look out the back window into the garden. He could see shadows moving around in the woods that backed the house. He worried they would try and come inside.

**Worthless.** _[No good piece of shit.] You’ll never amount to anything. Better off dead._ **Worthless. Fuck up. [Kill yourself.]** _[Silas is no good. Silas will never be good.]_ **Worthless.** _[No good piece of shit.] You’ll never amount to anything. Better off dead._ **Worthless. Fuck up. [Kill yourself.]** _[Silas is no good. Silas will never be good.]_

It was Saturday, that much Silas knew. He also had the impression it was still early. He had nothing planned for the day and figured Noak must have been done with him so he didn’t think to send him a text.

_ He's obviously done with you, you little shit. Everyone gets tired of you. You're worthless. Silas. A nobody. _

He thought then that it might be a good idea to sit with his computer and work on the finishing touches for the article he had due on Monday morning.

**Fuck up.**

It was then he remembered the email from Evan. Silas didn’t have a job anymore. The words from the email played over and over in his head. He started crying, unsure what he was going to do. Without that job, he’d lose the house. He stood up and started pacing around his room. His next thought was to call Andrea. He didn’t know what else he could do. He felt like he was going to crack and there was nothing to stop it from happening.

The sound of his mobile ringing shook him from his worried thoughts. He crossed the room and picked the phone up from the night table. He saw that it was Noak calling. He answered right away.

**Worthless.** _ You might as well give up and hang up now. _

“Noak.” Silas sobbed. “Noak, I’m so sorry. I think that I asked you to leave last night. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry I keep fucking this up.” He whispered. “If you’re calling to break up with me, I understand. I wouldn’t want to be with me if-” He said and was starting to mumble through his tears.

**Worthless.**

“Silas? I don’t want to break up wid you.” Noak said, hearing in the other man’s voice that he was crying. “I’m calling to see if you’re feeling any better. Are you okay?” He said.

_ Silas is a waste of useless space. [You’re better off dead.] _

“No I’m not.” Silas said and sat down on the foot of his bed.

He wasn’t okay and he wasn’t feeling any better than the night before. Silas was a wreck. The only thing holding him together at the moment was his boyfriend on the other end of the line. There was a shadow standing next to the closet door and Silas felt his stomach knot as it moved closer to him.

_ [Worthless piece of shit.] You’re no good. _

“What’s wrong Sweetheart?” Noak asked.

_ You fucked this up. [Silas is no good.]  _ **Worthless.** _ [Never any good.] _

Silas was looking at the shadow. He felt cold inside the closer it got to him. He started to cry harder. The voices made it difficult to hear Noak but he focused on the sound of his boyfriend’s voice.

“Silas, talk to me.” Noak said.

“Noak.” Silas sobbed and broke down before he could say anything else.

_ [He’s lying to you.] You’re no good.  _ **Worthless.** _ [He hates you.] _

Noak let the other man cry for a minute, giving him the chance to let it out before trying to say something.

“Silas, we're going to figure dis out.” Noak said eventually. “I spoke to Anna last night. I told her about Evan’s email.” He added.

_ You're no good.  _ **Worthless.** _ No good to anyone. [Not even yourself Silas.] _

“Luci came here last night. She came here when you left.” Silas whispered. “She said she sent the emails. I’m so sorry I accused you. I was, I wasn't thinking.” He cried. “I'm so sorry I told you to leave me. Oh God Noak, please don't leave me.”

“I'm not.” Noak said. “We need to talk dough. I don't appreciate being yelled at all deh time but I'm not going to leave you over dis.”

“I'm sorry.” The smaller man cried.

“Do you know what deh emails Luci sent said?” Noak asked.

“I don't know.” Silas snapped but quickly apologized for it.

“Silas, I want to help you.” Noak said calmly.

“I know.” Silas sighed.

“I can’t if you keep snapping at me like dat.” Noak said.

**Worthless. Fuck up.**

Silas sobbed and sniffled.

“I know.” He said. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.

_ No you’re not. You’re no good. _

“I know you are.” Noak said. “And please don't say you hate me anymore.”

“I told you I hated you?” Silas cried. “No. I don’t and I won’t ask you to leave.” He whispered. “I don't hate you Noak, not ever. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. I won’t make you cry anymore.” He said, unsure if he could hold true to those words; he wanted to.

“I didn’t dink you hated me.” Noak said, telling a little lie to make the other man feel better; Noak had been devastated when Silas said it the night before.

“So, um, what did Anna have to say?” Silas asked, sniffling.

“She said she would help you wid getting your job back.” Noak said. “She is going to talk to Evan and get dis all worked out for you, okay Sweetheart?” He added.

“She will help me?” Silas asked.

“Ja, she will and so will I.” Noak said. “Don’t expect anyding to happen until Monday dough. She said not to worry dis weekend.” He explained.

Silas shifted against the bed and made a move to lay down. He started to feel dizzy.

“Did she tell me not to worry or did you?” Silas asked.

**[Kill yourself.]** _ You should worry.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Silas is pathetic.] _

“Maybe bo’d.” Noak said, smiling. “Anna would like to come talk to you in person. Can we come by later today?” He said.

“Yes.” Silas said. “Why don’t you come for dinner? I will cook for the two of you.” He added after a little thought.

Silas would use cooking as a distraction from his mind. He'd done it before and knew it worked before. He hoped it would work this time around.

_ [They won’t show up.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You’re just no good to anyone.  _ **Fuck up.**

“Dinner sounds nice. I will finally get to experience deh wonderful cooking you’ve told me about.” Noak said excitedly.

“Yes you will.” Silas said, smiling for the first time that day. “What do you say about five-thirty?” He asked.

“Five-dirty sounds great.” Noak answered.

“Could I trouble you to stop for soda? I don’t have much to drink here, just water and tea.” Silas said.

“It will be no trouble. Is dat all you want us to get? Do you have coffee?” Noak said.

“That is all. I do have coffee and I actually have food in the house. I went shopping Tuesday night. I will make you guys something good.” Silas said with a laugh.

**Worthless. Fuck up.** _[Silas is pathetic.]_ **[Kill yourself.]**

“I cannot wait. We will see you at five-d’irty den. I love you.” Noak said.

“Mmhm. See you then.” Silas said, too afraid to say I love you back.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Anna and Noak arrived at Silas’s house at a few minutes after five. They stood together and chatted, waiting on Silas to let them in. Anna had brought a cake to have after dinner and she was balancing it on one arm. When Silas finally opened the door he smiled at the two siblings.

“Hey.” Silas said, stepping back. “Come in.” He said.

Silas held the door open for them and watched as they stepped inside. Anna handed the cake to her brother and pulled Silas into a hug. Silas wrapped his arms around her and hugged back. It felt nice. He’d needed a hug after the day he’d had. His mind was still a mess but he stepped back with a brave face and smiled.

“It's nice to see you Anna.” Silas whispered. “I’ll miss you at the office.” He said, sadly.

“Oh Silas, we will figure this out.” Anna said and smiled back at him. “You will get your job back.”

Noak passed the cake to Silas. The smaller man excused himself and ran it into the kitchen. Anna and Noak took off their coats and hung them on the hooks behind Silas’s door. Silas returned, stood next to Noak and wrapped his arms around him. He held on tightly and didn’t want to let go. He pushed up onto his toes, pulled Noak down and kissed his lips. Noak kissed back, keeping it brief.

“I’m sorry for making you cry last night. Sorry for everything.” Silas whispered as he started to pull away.

“No more apologies.” Noak said, pressing a finger against his boyfriend’s lips.

Silas nodded his head at Noak then turned and looked over at Anna. He smiled and led the two into his living room. There was a dark shadow just over the sofa and it made Silas start to feel uneasy. He closed his eyes and shook his head, hoping it would go away. When he opened his eyes again, it was still there. Silas wanted to leave the room before he started to feel worse.

**Worthless.** _No good. [Silas is no good.]_

“Make yourself comfortable.” Silas said and wasn’t looking at either of the Martenssons. “I’ll be back in a minute.” He mumbled and turned to walk out of the room.

“What did you make?” Anna asked as he headed to the door. “Because it smells fantastic in here.” She added.

“Steak meat pies.” Silas answered without looking back.

“Dammit!” Noak said, laughing.

“What?” Silas asked and turned to look at Anna then to his boyfriend.

“Noak wanted to make a bet with me that you were going to make meat pies and I wouldn’t agree to it.” Anna answered with a laugh of her own.

“I could have made a whole pound from it too.” Noak said quite matter of factly.

_[Silas is no good.]_ **Worthless.**

Silas laughed at the two of them. The sound died quickly on his lips as he glanced back to the shadow and saw it staring at him with two eyes that appeared suddenly. His smile faded and he turned back to the hallway. Noak noticed that Silas was looking at the sofa and didn’t let it go.

“Um the pies are just finishing up.” Silas said in a rush. “Please, make yourself at home.” He said nervously and was gone from the room.

_ You’re going to fuck this all up.  _ **Useless.** _ You’re a piece of shit. _

“Silas?” Noak called out.

“Not now.” Silas called back.

Noak could hear the smaller man was crying. He thought about telling Anna that Silas was probably hallucinating again. He chose not to, as an opportunity came up that would give him and his boyfriend a few minutes alone.

“Anna, I left deh soda in my car. Can you go get it for me?” Noak said.

Anna nodded her head and smiled. She made her way out of the living room, not bothering with her coat again. She left the house and closed the door behind her.

Noak went to the kitchen and the smell of the baking meat pies increased ten-fold. Noak’s stomach made a gurgling sound loud enough that Silas heard it. Things like that usually made the two laugh and joke but Silas was staring off. His cheeks were damp with tears Silas hadn’t noticed were falling.

**Worthless.** _ [Silas is worthless piece of shit.] You can’t do anything right. [Silas doesn’t deserve any friends.]  _ **Useless.** _ An absolute mess, no good to anyone.  _ **Fuck up.**

“Hey.” Noak whispered, stepping up behind the smaller man. “You alright Silas?” He asked.

Silas turned and looked up at Noak’s face. He wasn’t sure how to answer that question. He pushed himself against the taller man and started to sob against his chest. He relaxed when Noak closed his arms around his middle and held him close.

“I can’t go back in the living room.” Silas whispered.

‘They’re watching me. I know it.’ _We are._ **Fuck up.** ‘Stop it. I don’t like it when you do this.’ _You don’t deserve to be happy._ **Worthless.** _[Silas, you are a no good piece of shit.]_

“Why not?” Noak asked, rubbing his back.

_ You don’t deserve to be happy. _

“There is something in there.” Silas said and took a step back. “Something I really don’t like.” He whispered.

“Den, we will stay in here for deh evening if dat is better for you.” Noak said in a supportive manner.

He was just going with Silas’s notion as to not make a fuss over it. He’d read that sometimes it wasn’t worth it to try and tell him otherwise. The idea wasn’t putting anyone in immediate danger so Noak tagged along for the ride.

“Sweetheart, we will get dis job ding figured out for you. Is dat what’s bo’dering you?” Noak asked.

Silas nodded and looked down at the floor. He looked back up at his boyfriend before saying anything.

“If I can’t get this sorted Noak, I’m going to lose my house. I can’t lose this house.” Silas said and his voice wavered. “I can’t go back on the streets.” He cried.

“I won’t let dat happen.” Noak said. “I promise.” He whispered.

Noak couldn't promise that Silas would get the job back but he could make the promise that he'd keep his house. Knowing about Silas’s past, Noak would ensure that he'd never be out in the streets again. Silas leaned up to kiss his boyfriend. He licked at Noak’s bottom lip and sucked gently on his tongue. Noak was smiling when they parted and watched as Silas turned towards the cabinets.

“So, I am guessing after dinner you have to take your sister home?” Silas said conversationally, his back was to Noak.

Silas was on his tiptoes reaching for empty glasses on the top shelf of the cabinet. Noak could have easily gotten the glasses down for Silas but he was quite enjoying the view.

“We drove separate cars.” Noak answered, watching his boyfriend’s bum. “I was kind of hoping dat if you were up for deh company, I could spend deh night?” He added.

Silas got down two glasses before he had to take a break, the stretch to reach had cramped his back. He turned and handed them to Noak.

“I’d like that.” Silas said before he turned to get a third glass down. “I’d like that a lot actually.” He said with a big smile. 

The sound of the front door opening and closing again spooked Silas. His smile faded and he looked towards the hallway. His eyes were wide and Noak could see the fear in them.

“It’s just Anna.” Noak whispered in a calming manner.

“Where are you two?” Anna called. “Send me off and sneak away.” She said, cheerfully.

“Kitchen.” Noak responded and put his hand on Silas’s lower back to calm him.

“Which is where?” Anna said. “And you two better have clothes on.” She added with a laugh.

“Stop that!” Noak called out to her. “Walk straight ahead.” He said.

Anna followed the sound of her brother’s voice and direction. She stepped into the kitchen. She lightly smacked her brother in the arm.

“This kitchen is adorable. I love your house Silas.” Anna said, looking around the room. “Here is the soda.” She said as she held up a shopping bag.

“Thank you.” Silas said, taking the bag from her and pulled out the two bottles.

“I took down glasses so you guys can open the sodas if you’d like.” Silas said. “There should be ice in the freezer. Um, I’ll grab the pies now.” He said.

“Go get me plates.” Anna said suddenly. “Noak, let’s set the table.” She said and looked across at her brother.

“What for?” Silas asked, turning away from the oven to look at his friend. “I’m not that fancy.” He whispered.

“Well, let’s be fancy tonight.” Anna said with a smile.

Silas smiled back. His mind was quiet.

The Martensson siblings set the table with an assortment of Silas’s mismatched dishes and flatware while Silas took the meat pies from the oven to rest before serving. He pulled out the tray of chips he’d had in there as well. He turned to look at the table, making sure there was tomato and brown sauce out. He walked over and opened one of the soda bottles. He poured himself a glass before doing the same for the other two. His mind was still and he felt a surge of happiness. Silas knew that this sort of get together was something he would like to have more of in his life. Silas was very much not a people person but his kitchen had been occupied with two of the people he cared for most in the world. He smiled.

After a few minutes, Silas brought the pies to the table and served them out. He dumped the chips into a bowl, sprinkled them with salt and pepper and put them on the table for everyone to serve themselves. Lastly, he served up a bowl of coleslaw. When he finally took a seat he was feeling pretty good about himself. He hoped the feeling lasted.

“Dis all looks amazing Sweetheart.” Noak said with a smile.

Silas smiled back and Anna chimed in with agreeing that it looked amazing.

Hungry, the three ate in near silence. The only sound in the kitchen for a long time was the clink of flatware against the plates. The three eventually fell into conversation. They talked a little about Noak and Anna growing up in Sweden. Silas talked about when he moved from Bath to London and spent time studying to be a priest. Noak had heard the story but it was all new and amusing to Anna. They hadn't yet breached the topic of the emails sent to and from Evan and Silas's being fired.

“I know who did it.” Silas said suddenly and wasn’t looking at either Noak or Anna.

Silas was looking down, picking at his fingers. He felt his chest tighten as his nerves got the better of him. His mind became loud as the voices decided they had been quiet for too long. The distress was clear on the small man’s face.

_ You're worthless and no good.  _ **Worthless. [Better off dead, you little shit.]** _ You’re a fuck up and nothing more.  _ **Worthless.**

“Who did what?” Noak asked, looking at his boyfriend; the statement had come out of nowhere.

“I know who did it but I can't prove it.” Silas whispered quietly, speaking in a monotone. “Her name is Luci.”

Silas momentarily spaced out and both Anna and Noak saw him just stop and lean towards the table. He snapped back into reality and started crying. He looked down at his lap and not at the other two people in the room. His body was shaking and the tears kept falling.

_ You're worthless and no good.  _ **Worthless. [Better off dead, you little shit.]** ‘Stop it.’  _ You’re a fuck up and nothing more.  _ **Worthless. [Just kill yourself.]** ‘No. Go away.’

“Are you okay?” Noak asked, set his fork down on his empty plate, and took Silas’s hand in his own.

_ You're worthless and no good.  _ **Worthless. [Kill yourself Silas.]** ‘Leave me alone.’  _ You’re a fuck up and nothing more.  _ **Worthless.** _ You're worthless and no good.  _ **Worthless. [Better off dead, you little shit.]** _ You’re a fuck up and nothing more.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Silas won’t ever amount to anything.] You’re a worthless fuck up. You’re better off dead. [Everyone hates you Silas.]  _ ‘Please, just stop. Stop it.’

“Stop it. Just stop. Leave me alone.” Silas said aloud, rather than just think it.

Silas let Noak hold his hand without pulling away. Silas looked to Noak when he realized he’d spoken out loud. He squeezed his boyfriend’s fingers tightly and looked back down. He felt dizzy. His eyes lifted from his own lap and he looked at Anna. He was worried she’d think he was crazy for saying the words.

“I’m not crazy.” Silas said to her, wiping at his eyes. “I didn’t send those emails to Evan.” He said, eyes brimming with more unshed tears. “I didn’t do it. I shouldn’t have been fired. I can’t prove anything.” He said, voice shaking.

“Luci sent dem.” Noak said. “You're sure of dis?”

“Yes, yes I'm sure.” Silas whispered. “She was here and she told me.”

“Who is Luci and why can't you prove she did it?” Anna added, taking a drink from her glass.

Silas let go of Noak and pushed his plate away. He looked away from Anna and caught Noak’s gaze.

_You're worthless and no good._ ‘Leave me alone.’ **Worthless. [Better off dead, you little shit.]** _You’re a fuck up and nothing more._ **Worthless.** ‘Not now. I can’t do this.’

“Luci.” Silas whispered. “Luci did this.” Silas said, as if it were a thought that just occurred to him.

“Who? Luci what?” Anna asked, not knowing anything about who she was. “Do you know her last name?” She added.

Silas shook his head. He started to feel even more overwhelmed. The voices were loud. Anna was asking too many questions. He was still upset over how he’d treated Noak the night before. Silas was on the verge of cracking. The tears spilled down his cheeks. He couldn’t take it anymore. He closed in on himself, curling up on his chair. He brought his knees to his chest and put his head on his knees. He picked blindly at his cuticles again until they started to bleed.

“Silas?” Noak said and reached for his boyfriend's hands again.

Silas didn’t answer but let Noak take his hands. The taller man held on and squeezed gently to distract Silas, who began to relax.

_ You're worthless and no good.  _ **Worthless. [Kill yourself.]** _ You’re a fuck up and nothing more.  _ **Worthless.**

Anna watched how Silas was behaving. She kept quiet. She had a good idea what was going on but offered nothing, as her knowledge was gained in confidence. When she saw that Silas had started to calm down, she looked at Noak, for a sign that it was okay to keep talking to him. Noak nodded slowly.

“Silas, how do you know it is Luci?” Anna asked him.

“It couldn’t be anyone else.” Silas snapped, slightly agitated. “She said it was her. She did this.”

He looked from Noak to Anna then back to Noak. His eyes seemed to lose focus and he closed his eyes as he started to feel dizzy again.

_ You're worthless and no good.  _ **Worthless. [Better off dead, you little shit.]** _ You’re a fuck up and nothing more.  _ **Worthless.** _ You are a bad person. [Silas is a fucked up loser.]  _ **Worthless. Fuck up.**

“Luci is bad.” Silas sobbed, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. “She is… she is just bad.” He cried.

Noak gave his fingers a squeeze. He shifted his chair closer to Silas and was glad the shorter man didn't move away. Silas opened his eyes.

“Silas, we can help you stop Luci. Everyding you have told me about her has to stop. You can’t keep living like dis. She can’t keep dis up. You’re a wreck Sweetheart. Dis is harassment.” Noak whispered before pressing a kiss to Silas’s forehead.

Noak hoped that his statement was true. He wanted to help Silas and stop anyone that caused him harm and pain. The shorter man sniffled and nodded slowly. Noak continued to hold Silas’s hands. He rubbed his thumbs in circles over his wrists. Silas closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. He felt the tension leave his body and the early inklings of a headache start behind his right eye.

Anna sat quietly. She thought about what Noak had said the night before. She was curious and not judgemental of Silas’s condition. She'd never seen this side of him. She was fascinated that Silas seemed to calm when her brother was near.

“Silas, who is Luci?” Anna asked after a little while.

Silas shook his head like he didn’t want to tell her. He closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip.

_ You're worthless and no good.  _ **Worthless. [Better off dead, you little shit.]** _ You’re a fuck up and nothing more.  _ **Worthless. [Fucking die already.]** _ We’re so sick of you and your shit. _

When Silas opened his eyes again he was looking right at Noak.

“Luci is someone who’s been bo’dering Silas for a few years.” Noak said, answering his sister for him.

“That’s terrible Silas.” Anna said, looking at her friend.

“I was friends with her years ago.” Silas whispered. “No, not friends. I just, I knew her. She betrayed me, really fucked me over. I could have ended up in jail for what she'd set me up with.” He said but offered no further explanation. “I haven't seen her for years but she's back and she's trying to ruin my life again.” He said.

Silas let go of Noak and got up from the table. He started to clear the plates. His hands were shaking and there was no hiding it as the dishes rattled against one another as he stacked them. He carried them over to the sink and set them next to it.

“She's been breaking into my house. I can't for the life of me figure out how.” Silas said. “She went onto my computer to send what she did and that's why I can't prove shit.” He said. “I can't prove it wasn't me. She sent those emails to Evan from this very house.” He cried, leaning his back against the counter.

Noak got up and helped Silas clear the rest of the table. He started to make coffee once it was done. He pulled down three mugs and turned his attention back to the conversation.

“Silas, whether or not she was your friend, you have to report her.” Anna said. “You need to call the police. What she's doing to you is illegal.” She said.

“I can't!” Silas shouted.

Anna was shocked at his tone. She'd only known Silas to be soft spoken. She didn't take it personally and moved on.

“Why?” She asked.

“Don't you think I've tried. She's good at hiding her tracks. She fucks shit up and then just leaves without a Goddamned trace.” Silas replied, a little calmer. “The cops don't believe me.” He whispered, sounding defeated. “Anna.” He whispered and walked back to the table to sit down. “I'm…” He started then stopped.

“You're what?” Anna asked, reaching across the to put her hand on the back of his.

“I told your brother and I want to tell you. I'm a diagnosed schizophrenic. The cops don't believe me when I tell them about Luci. No one believes me. They all think she’s just in my head.” Silas said.

Noak looked at his sister. He didn't say anything. Anna looked back at Noak, quiet as well. When she looked at Silas she didn't know what to say. She squeezed his hand. She wondered if maybe Luci was just a hallucination.

“She's real. Luci is as real as you or me. She's not in my head.” Silas whispered and broke down. “I'm not crazy. I'm not fucking crazy.” He cried.

Anna got up from her seat and pulled the small man into a hug. She felt terrible for her friend.

“No you're not, Sweetie.” She whispered. “I'd never think you were.” She added, rubbing his back.

Anna held onto Silas as he cried. She looked over his head at her brother again. Silas was hysterical and his body was shaking from the sobs. He pressed his face against Anna and let himself cry.

“Silas, I believe you.” Anna said softly. “We will get you your job back. We will help you catch Luci and she will pay for what she's done to you.” She said, stepping back.

Silas looked up at Anna and nodded his head. He looked over at Noak. His expression was one of fear, as he questioned what he'd just done.

“Please don't tell Evan I'm sick.” Silas whispered.

“I won't Sweetie.” Anna said. “It will be our secret.” She said.

Silas tried to smile but it was a grimace at best. He looked at the kitchen door and saw a dark shadow float down the hallway. He choked back a sob.

“She's real.” Silas whispered.

“I know.” Anna whispered. “Noak and I believe you Silas.” She said.

Anna looked at her brother and Noak back at her. They smiled softly. She went back to her seat and plunked back into it.

“So, cake?” Anna said cheerfully to lighten the mood.

“Coffee is almost done. I'll put water on for tea.” Noak said.

Silas wiped his eyes and nodded.

“Thank you.” Silas said. “Both of you. I… I can't tell you how much you both mean to me.” Silas whispered.

“You don't have to tell us. We know.” Anna said smiling at him. “We will help you with this.” She said.

Noak served up the drinks and Silas brought the cake back to the table. They ate the cake and drank their drinks in silence. The choice was Silas’s to not say anything and the quiet was not uncomfortable. By the time they were eating their second piece and drinking another mug of coffee and tea, they were back to quiet chatter and joking. Eventually it got late and Anna had announced it was time for her to head home. The three made their way out into the hallway and started their goodbyes.

“Thank you for everything Anna.” Silas said, hugging her close and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

Anna gave her friend a tight hug and kissed his cheek as well. She stepped back and smiled at him.

“No worries my friend. I will talk to Evan and thank you again for dinner. You're an excellent cook.” She said.

Anna hugged her brother next, kissing both his cheeks.

“You behave yourself.” She said, poking him square in the chest.

“Always.” Noak said to Anna with a grin and opened the door for her. “I’m gonna walk her to deh car. I’ll be back.” He said to Silas and the smaller man nodded his head.

The siblings walked out of the house and down Silas’s driveway to the cars. They were well out of earshot and could talk without Silas hearing them.

“You know how to get back from here?” Noak asked.

“Yes big brother. I drive him home from work sometimes.” Anna replied “Take care of him, Noak. He's a keeper.” She said of Silas. “I will do everything I can to get him his job back.” She added.

“He is definitely a keeper Anna. I love him too much to let him go.” Noak said. “Please text me when you get home.” He requested.

“Yes yes. I will. I love you brother. Enjoy your night.” She said with a big grin and wink.

“Good night Silas!” Anna called out and got into the car.

Silas had be standing there in his own mind but looked up when he heard Anna call out. He smiled and waved. He stepped closer to the door and waited for Noak to get back inside. He wrapped an arm around the larger man and they watched Anna drive off. The two men made sure the door was closed and locked.

They headed back into the kitchen to clean up. Noak offered to do the dishes and Silas dried. Noak wondered if Silas was going to bring up anything about his choice to tell Anna his secret. He wouldn’t bring it up if the smaller man didn’t.

“Your sister is very funny.” Silas commented as he dried one of the mugs and set it on the lowest shelf. “It was nice to spend time with her in a non professional setting.” He added.

“Ja. Anna is great. She had a really good time too.” Noak said with a smile.

They washed the plates next and Noak stacked them as he was closer to their place in the cabinet. Noak washed out the glasses next.

“Can you put these away?” Silas asked, once the glasses were dry.

Noak nodded his head and placed each of the three glasses on their top shelf. He didn't have to reach to get them there.

“Do you think she can really help me?” Silas asked and hiccupped.

Noak thought a moment and looked at his boyfriend. He smiled encouragingly at him.

“Ja, of course I do. She's quite convincing and good at her job.” Noak said.

“Okay.” Silas said, insecurity in his tone. “I’m just scared she won’t be able to.” He whispered.

“I know and I understand dat.” Noak said.

Noak shut the tap off, last of the dirty dishes washed and rinsed. Noak turned and leaned his back against the counter. He looked over at Silas who was drying the last of the baking trays with his back to his boyfriend. Noak put his hand to the small of Silas’s back. He was going to pull it away when the smaller man tensed but when Silas started to relax and lean into the touch, Noak kept his hand in place.

“So Sweetheart.” Noak said. “What do you want to do now?” He asked.

Silas wiped at the countertop with the dish towel before tossing it aside.

“Would you mind if I take a quick shower? I feel gross.” Silas said.

“Not at all.” Noak answered.

“Okay. I'll hurry.” Silas said.

Silas was in his head again and never turned to look at Noak. He just slipped out of the kitchen without another word. Noak turned off the light and made his way to the living room. He sat down on the sofa and clicked the lamp on. He thought it was a rather ugly lamp and that didn't provide adequate lighting. He sat quietly for a few minutes before reaching for the book he had left on Silas’s coffee table the night before. He read the final part. He finally finished it.

Thirty-five minutes had gone by and Silas slipped quietly into the room. He was dressed in one of Noak's Metallica tees. He had on a pair of wool socks. His hair was damp and his skin was pink from the exceptionally hot water from his shower.

“Better?” Noak asked in a way of greeting.

“Meh.” Silas replied and sat down next to his boyfriend.

“Do you need a hug?” Noak asked lightly.

“No.” Silas answered flatly but still snuggled up to the larger man.

Noak wrapped him in his arms. They sat in silence for a long time. They were still, until Noak started a gentle stroking low against his boyfriend’s back. The silence continued and it was Noak who broke it.

“May I ask you someding?” He inquired quietly.

Silas made a noncommittal hum in reply.

“How long do you plan to put up wid what Luci had been doing to you?” Noak asked.

“Dunno.” Silas replied softly.

_ [Don't talk about her. Not to this garbage.] Not to anyone you worthless shit! _

Silas shivered as a chill shot down his spine. He yawned and stretched his body like a cat. Silas moved to lay down, settled and rested his head in Noak's lap. He closed his eyes and let his breath even out. Noak started to run his fingers through Silas's hair and the smaller man relaxed against him.

_ You'll get no sleep tonight you little shit.  _ **Worthless.**

“You asked her to stop before?” Noak asked.

**Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.**

“Yes!” Silas snapped and he opened his eyes. “Do you think I like being treated this way?” He asked bitterly and sat up again.

Noak tensed and relaxed again. He looked at his boyfriend and sighed. He was getting tired of being snapped at.

“No Sweetheart. I do not dink dat.” Noak said.

“Why ask me then?” Silas questioned.

“I am sorry.” Noak replied.

Silas scoffed. He closed his eyes as he didn't want to look at Noak anymore.

**Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.**

“She doesn't leave. She always comes back.” Silas said after a while. “I’ve threatened to call the cops and she laughs in my face.” He added, tone was flat again.

Silas felt a pain returning to the spot behind his right eye. He turned and pressed his face towards Noak’s shoulder, silently praying he wasn’t going to have to deal with a migraine or a full blown episode. His body was too exhausted and drained to.

**Useless.** _ Shut up you fuckwit.  _ **Worthless.**

“Have you tried taking legal action?” Noak asked. “Maybe a restraining order or someding?” He added. 

Noak spoke carefully. He could tell Silas was on edge. He pet his hair and gently traced over the shell his ear.

“It wouldn't help. She’d laugh and rip it up. She plays by her own set of rules.” Silas whispered and started crying silently.

A quiet fell between the pair once more. Noak was afraid to say anything to upset the smaller man further. Silas wanted to fall asleep as the pain started to get worse. He leaned into Noak and closed his eyes.

**Worthless.**

“Sh- she ruined my life once. I won't let her do it again.” Silas eventually said out of nowhere.

“Do you want to tell me about what she did?” Noak asked softly.

“She crashed the car I was driving into someone's property. It killed over a dozen sheep. It left me knocked out and she was gone before the police arrived. I took the blame, consequences and punishment.” Silas said in monotone. “Beforehand, she convinced me to drop acid. I was tripping and was drunk as a fiend and she… she just took the wheel and sent the car rolling off the road. I could have died.” He whispered.

“Silas.” Noak whispered. “She needs to be stopped.” He added.

“No shit.” Silas snapped.

Noak was looking at Silas then closed his eyes. He shook his head. Silas felt a wave of nausea wash over him. He unconsciously started picking at his cuticles again. He realized he had snapped and muttered an apology.

“I know you don’t mean to.” Noak said. “Can I ask you someding else?” He asked and took a deep breath.

Silas nodded slowly and looked across the space at his boyfriend.

“Have you been taking your meds?” Noak asked.

“Yes.” Silas lied, surprisingly calm about it.

Noak was skeptical but just let it go. He was not looking for a fight, just an answer to the cause of Silas’s bad mood. He wouldn’t forget it and planned to bring it up again when Silas seemed less agitated. He held Silas’s hands to stop him picking. He watched as Silas stopped crying and closed his eyes. Noak was running his fingers through Silas's hair again. The quiet went from awkward to comfortable again.

_We're watching._ **Useless.** _[Silas fucked this up. Like he fucks everything up.]_ **Fuck up.**

When Silas opened his eyes again, he was immediately greeted by a smiling shadow on the ceiling. He made a quiet squeak and crawled into Noak’s lap.

“Distract me.” Silas whispered and he started to kiss down Noak’s neck.

“From what?” Noak asked, gently pushing Silas away from him.

“Everything.” Silas whispered. “The shadow.” He added.

_ You fucked up. You fuck everything up. _

“May I ask you what deh shadow is doing?” Noak asked quietly, wondering if Silas would share that information or not.

“It’s looking at me.” Silas answered. “They always look at me like they are watching me. They hardly ever speak. I know they’re not good.” He continued.

“Do the shadows hurt you?” Noak asked, actually curious about it.

“No.” Silas whispered. “They make me uncomfortable. They scare me.” He said.

Noak reached out and touched Silas’s face.

“T-the voices tell me to hurt myself sometimes.” Silas whispered.

_ You fucked up.  _ **Fuck up. Useless.** _ You fuck everything up.  _ **Worthless.**

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry.” Noak said. “Are they telling you to now?” He asked.

“No. I just see the shadows. I don’t hear the one that does it. There is a voice that scares me. The others are more a nuisance but not this one.” Silas said, moving closer to the other man. “Please, I need you to distract me.” He said as the shadow moved closer and settled on the wall behind his boyfriend, staring at him with three eyes and a crooked smile.

“How do you want me to distract you?” Noak asked.

“Kiss me. Touch me.” Silas said, putting his hands on Noak’s shoulders as he crawled into his lap.

Noak moved his hands to settle on the other man’s hips and held him steady as their lips met. The kiss started slow and Noak waited for Silas to deepen it. He did. A low moan slipped passed Silas’s lips when Noak licked over his tongue. Silas pulled back to nibble Noak’s bottom lip.

_Distractions don't work on us._ **Worthless.** _[We're here.] We're watching._ **Useless.** _[Silas fucked this up. Like he fucks everything up.]_ **Fuck up.**

“Noak.” Silas whined and gave his legs a squeeze around the outside of his boyfriend’s thighs.

Noak kissed down his neck. He gripped Silas’s hips in response to the squeeze. Silas leaned his head back and his eyes fixated on the ceiling. The shadow glared at him.

**Worthless.** _[No good. Loser. Waste of life.]_ **[Kill yourself.]** ‘Stop it.’ _You’re never any good to anyone._ **Useless.** ‘Please, leave me alone.’

“Pull my hair.” Silas whispered.

Noak moved his hands up Silas’s back and twisted one in the wet waves. He gave a gentle tug and Silas groaned. Noak pulled it again. Silas whimpered and closed his eyes tightly. Noak licked over his boyfriend’s throat and pulled his hair once more.

_ No good. No good to anyone.  _ **Worthless.** _ Useless waste of space. _

“Harder!” Silas commanded, praying it would shut them up. “C’mon Love, really yank on it.” He said. 

Silas opened his eyes and looked right at Noak. He ignored the shadow moving in his peripheral vision. Noak fisted his hand in Silas’s locks, fingers twisted in the dark strands. He gave a sharp tug and it caused Silas’s neck to arch and his narrow body to bow.

“Oh fuck yeah.” Silas groaned. “Again.” He requested.

Noak did it again and Silas shuddered. The smaller man reached to take his boyfriend’s free hand and brought it up to his throat. He pressed on his fingers until they closed around it.

“Please.” Silas whispered as he felt the blood rushing to his cock.

Noak very gently pressed his hand against Silas’s throat. He tugged again at his hair. Silas groaned out loud when Noak did it again, twice more. He gave his hips a roll, the friction between their bodies making him tingle. Noak let his hand fall from Silas’s hair but kept the other hand loosely around his neck.

“You like dis?” Noak asked as Silas never requested it before.

“Yes.” Silas moaned. “Can yo- Can you climb on top of me?” Silas asked. “Be rough with me and hold me down. Keep your hand against my throat.” He said.

Noak nodded, taking all the requests of the smaller man into his head. He wasn’t sure how he should be processing all the information. He was a little hesitant and Silas could read it in his face. Silas reached and took Noak’s hand off his neck. He laced their fingers and gave a squeeze.

“You don’t have to if you’re not okay with it.” Silas said, reaching to touch his boyfriend’s face. “I like it though. Please, I want it really rough tonight.” He said, looking him in the eyes.

Silas would leave the choice up to Noak. He didn’t want to make the taller man uncomfortable. There were other ways Silas could distract himself from the chaos inside his head. He’d hoped that Noak would be willing to go along with it but completely understood if he didn’t want to.

Noak trusted Silas knew what he wanted. After a moment, he roughly pushed Silas back against the sofa, climbing over him. He pressed his hips down against Silas and could feel he was hard. He tried not to think about how Silas most likely lied to him about his medication. He rolled his hips down against his boyfriend and drew a moan from his lips. Silas closed his eyes and rolled his hips back up against Noak.

Noak kissed and bit down the left side of his boyfriend’s neck. His hands pushed up the tee Silas was wearing and scraped his nails over his stomach. He watched as Silas looked up at him before he moved his hand down to his erection, rubbing him through his pants. Noak kissed up the other side of his boyfriend’s neck before biting down hard, right under his ear. Loud whimpers passed over Silas’s lips at the feel of the other man’s touch to his cock. Whimpers became moans as Noak palmed the head through his pants. Noak moved his other hand up and pressed gently against his throat. Silas gasped, moaning as he pushed his body up against Noak's. Their lips met again and Silas shuddered beneath the other man. Silas relaxed again, became pliant beneath the other's touch. He groaned into the kiss as Noak held him down. Silas stopped their kissing after only a few seconds. He opened his eyes, breathless. The shadow moved up along the ceiling but it no longer had a face.

**Worthless.** _ You're no good.  _ **Fuck up.**

“Wait.” Silas whispered, pushing Noak away. “We have to go to my room.” He said, wanting to avoid seeing the shadow.

_ You're no good.  _ **Fuck up.**

Noak nodded his head. Silas waited for Noak to move off the sofa before sitting up.

“Are you feeling alright?” Noak asked.

Silas shook his head. He sighed and looked at Noak.

**Worthless.** _ You're no good. _

“I’m fine. There’s just, it’s the shadows in here.” Silas whispered. “They're watching me. I don’t like it.” He said.

Noak nodded and waited for Silas to stand up. He thought about bringing up the medication again, but against his better judgement he didn’t. They moved out of the living room and into Silas’s bed room. Silas climbed onto the mattress, laying on his back and Noak crawled over him.

“Better?” Noak asked once they settled.

Silas looked around the room and nodded his head. He didn’t see any shadows and his mind had quieted down. His only thoughts were Noak and how desperately he wanted to get off. He smiled up at Noak, reaching to touch the other man’s chest. His eyes were glazed over and he looked lost.

“Sweetheart, do you want to talk about dis?” Noak asked, reaching to take his hand.

“No. I'm fine.” Silas said. “I'm fine if we do this. Sex helps me ignore them.” He said.

“Alright.” Noak said cautiously.

He took his time to look at Silas. When he saw nothing but want in his eyes, he leaned closer to kiss him. It was a brief peck on the lips. Noak sat back and trailed his eyes up and down Silas’s body. The smaller man was relaxed in the way he held himself. Noak took that as a good sign. He leaned down to kiss his lips, cupping his cheek. Silas leaned into the touch, nuzzling against his boyfriend's wrist before bringing a hand up to close around it. He dragged Noak's hand down his body, cupping his palm over his cock again. He kissed him slowly as Noak stroked him through the pants.

After some time, Noak pulled away and met Silas’s eyes. Silas was breathing a little heavily and he smiled at his boyfriend. Noak pulled him into another kiss. They rolled around, feeling one another up over their clothes and seeking the most comfortable position. Noak pressed fingertips into pale skin as he slipped his hands up Silas’s tee once more. He nipped and sucked at his neck. He kissed down his body, pushing up the shirt the further down his body he went. Silas moaned and whimpered at all the kisses and nips Noak left over his skin.

Silas sighed heavily, sprawled across his mattress. He pushed Noak away and looked at him with fuck-me eyes. His shirt was bunched, rolled up under his armpits and his cock strained and leaked beneath his pants. His belly and all along his lower ribs were covered in fresh bite marks. Bruises decorated his hips. He was gasping softly. Noak’s larger body was settled between Silas’s legs and his hands gripped hips and teased at exposed skin. He licked and kissed and nipped at the shorter man’s neck.

Silas was suddenly distracted from what Noak was doing. He could feel the touches, the kisses but his mind was elsewhere. He'd not had a decent night’s sleep in close to a month. He hadn't mentioned his choice to stay off his medication, worried it might push the taller man away for good. Silas wanted to tell him-  make himself remember that he wasn't going to keep any more secrets- but he was scared. The voices had taunted him relentlessly. Silas felt bad for being so detached and spaced. Noak deserved so much more.

**Worthless.** _ No good liar. [Silas is hurting Noak with the lies.]  _ **LIAR.** _ You're no good. _

Silas whimpered. The sound suggested fear. Noak sat back. He reached to touch Silas’s face again, turning his head to meet his eyes.

“Silas.” He whispered.

“I'm fine.” Silas said. “Please, keep going.” He whispered.

Noak trailed his hands down his sides. Silas smiled as Noak tickled his skin and kissed his neck. He moaned as Noak sucked a new bruise at the base of his throat. Silas placed his right hand against the back of Noak’s head, softly brushing fingers over the shell of his ear, tickling the sensitive skin.

“Mmm, this feels nice.” Silas whispered when Noak bit him behind the ear.

Silas’s right hand fisted in the sheets below him, the other hand twisted in Noak’s hair. The taller man groaned, kissing down his neck and biting at his collar bones. Silas gasped loudly. Noak glanced up, meeting the shorter man's eyes, holding a stare. Finger tips with bitten down nails trailed down the sides of Silas’s body, kneading and scraping gently. Lips followed fingers and Noak was kissing down Silas’s sternum and scraping teeth over the last of his ribs. His tongue lapped and prodded at a couple of the bruises there.

The shorter man was trembling. Silas felt deeply turned on. He felt every sensation first hand. He also felt spaced out, as if he were watching himself fall apart beneath Noak’s touches. He moaned. It sounded foreign and far away from him.

Noak sat up, resting against his own legs. He looked down at Silas and bit his bottom lip. His eyes were transfixed on the large bulge behind Silas’s pants. He reached out, palming it, making Silas whimper and squirm. Noak dipped his head and kissed Silas's cock through the material. Silas murmured wordless sounds. His cock pulsed at the attention. Noak gave the shaft a good lick and sat up when Silas groaned. After some time, he took a deep breath and helped the shorter man sit up. He pulled him out of his tee and tossed it to the floor. The shorter man's movements were sluggish and he settled against the larger man, straddling a leg Silas reached up and cupped Noak’s head in his hands. He pulled Noak in for a kiss. Noak breathed harshly through his nose, kissing back with everything he had. His large hands came to settle on Silas’s hips, holding him against him. Silas set a rhythm as he rolled and ground his hips into the solid muscles of Noak’s thigh. He groaned obscenely as Noak reached around to grip his arse and hold tight. The rhythm started to falter as Silas felt himself getting closer to the edge. He tore his lips from the other's, moaning out as he felt his body shiver.

“Noak, help me get these off.” Silas said and vaguely indicated his tight fitting pants.

Noak released his grip on Silas’s hips, helping to free him from the pants. Too caught up in the moment, Silas couldn't appreciate the ‘ohfuckme’ eye roll and groan provided by the other man as his cock sprung free. Silas pounced, pushing the larger man to the bed with ease. He climbed over Noak, straddling both thighs this time. He dipped his head down and kissed him, open mouthed and desperate. His kisses trailed down his neck.

“Fuck Love, want you naked too.” Silas moaned hotly against Noak’s throat and licked over his pulse point.

Noak made quick work of removing his shirt. He burned under Silas’s gaze, turned on by how the shorter man looked at him like he was a starved animal. He fumbled with the button on his jeans and shivered as Silas traced over some of the tattoos on his arms. He groaned and arched under the touches as Silas moved to touch his chest. Noak’s hands fell to his sides, his left fisting in the sheets. Silas moved and pressed his fingers into the skin, pressing against hard muscle hidden beneath the soft, pudgy exterior.

Noak became distracted by Silas’s touches and he moaned as they traced down further, over his belly. He was brought back to the moment once Silas started to help him get his jeans open. Silas tugged the denim down, stopping about mid thigh. He just made sure the jeans and boxers cleared his ass. Noak’s hard cock was on display.

Silas smiled at Noak and licked his lips. He made a loud whimpering sound. His hand moved to touch the erection. He traced up and down its length a couple of times. Silas leaned down, mouthing over his boyfriend's cock, like Noak had done for him except this time there was nothing between his lips and the cock. His own cock twitched at the scent of Noak and hearing the other man moan. He licked from base to tip, sucking when he got to the head.

“Oh gods.” Noak sighed.

Silas immediately started to lick and suck the sensitive foreskin. He teased over it, his tongue narrowed and licked precisely. He pulled back the skin, exposing the head. He ran his tongue in long flat licks against it. He closed his hand around Noak's cock, stroking as he licked. His other hand closed over his own cock, teasing himself with feather light touches. He guided the head into his mouth and sucked gently. Noak made breathy sounds and his body shuddered.

“D-dis feels so good, Sweetheart.” Noak groaned.

Silas pulled back, lips glistening with pre-cum and saliva. His fingers ran along Noak’s thighs. Noak looked up at Silas in response. He couldn't form words.

“Please, fuck me?” Silas said.

“Ja.” Noak sighed.

Silas kissed Noak’s lips. He pressed open mouth kisses to them and slipped his tongue in. Noak tasted himself on Silas’s lips. Silas hummed in a positive tone before he sat back.

“Really push me around. Be rougher than normal.” Silas said. “Fuck me from behind. Slam me doggy style. Hold me down when you do it.” He pleaded.

Noak nodded his head. Silas moved away and dug through his night table drawer for condoms and lube. He tossed them towards Noak and positioned himself, face down and arse up.

Noak looked at Silas. He reached to put his hand over an arse cheek. He was gentle as he gave a squeeze. Silas reached down and took his own cock in hand. He started a slow stroke up and down, biting his lip at the sensation. Silas moaned and turned his head to look back at his boyfriend.

“Will you spank me if I ask you to?” Silas whispered.

Noak bit his lip and nodded slowly.

“Then this is me asking.” Silas said, pressing his hips towards Noak. “Slap my arse.” He said, still looking back.

Noak pulled his hand away then moved it closer and tentatively slapped his arse. Silas moaned, squeezed his own cock and thumbed over his head.

“Again.” Silas said quietly.

Noak slapped him again, a little less hesitant, and Silas groaned out loud. He closed his eyes and worked his fist over his cock. His heart was beating rapidly and his breath, heavy.

“Harder.” Silas urged.

Noak slapped him harder, then without Silas asking he did it again. Silas moaned, rolling his hips, thrusting into his own hand.

“Fuck!” Silas shouted. “Yes Noak.” He whined. “P-please, do it again.” He said, voice strained.

Noak did it once more and Silas shuddered, cumming over his fingers and the sheets below. Noak was surprised to say the least. Silas collapsed against the bed, panting heavily.

Noak reached out and gently caressed the reddened skin of his boyfriend’s bum. Silas moaned quietly and rolled onto his back. His eyes were heavy lidded and his smile was lazy.

“I still want you to fuck me.” Silas whispered, reaching towards Noak. “I need you inside me.” He moaned. “Please, Noak.” He said, reaching for the bottle of lube.

Noak nodded and took the bottle.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter contains a severe psychotic episode, including a push for self harm and suicide.**

It was half three in the morning when Silas woke with a jolt. He heard something in the kitchen, bangs and crashes. Silas heard chattering sounds coming from the hallway, loud enough to wake him from his deep sleep. His throat felt tight, like it was closing and his mouth was exceptionally dry. His head was pounding behind both eyes. His muscles twitched and his joints ached. The blanket had been kicked to the floor at some point during the night but the house was warm enough it didn’t matter that it was close to freezing outside. Silas felt dazed but he sensed enough to know that Noak was still fast asleep behind him, snoring quietly.

‘How can he sleep through this racket?’

Not wanting to wake him but desperate for a drink and curious of the noise, Silas forced himself up. He gasped at a sudden pain in his backside. He had been reminded that Noak had been extremely rough with him earlier that night. He sat at the side of his bed for a moment, willing off the pounding in his brain and ache in his lower half. Something moved in the corner of his room. He heard the sounds in his kitchen again. Once standing, his body ached even more; his legs felt like jelly and he swayed. He moved as quietly as he could out of the bedroom and down the hall towards his kitchen. The shadow followed. He didn’t bother with the lights on his way there, knowing his home to navigate in the dark.

Silas crossed the kitchen and nearly collapsed at the sink. Silas gripped the counter ledge and held tight. He opened the cabinets and grabbed a clean mug off the shelf, filling it with water from the tap. He drank it down quickly and refilled it. He shuffled over to the switch and turned on the light. He moved back towards the sink, reaching up for a box of black tea. Silas hoped the caffeine would take the edge off his headache.

“Boo!” A voice cut into the silence.

Silas shouted out and dropped the box. Luci laughed loudly. She was sitting at the kitchen table. It was unexpected- extremely unexpected. Silas had spilled his water all over himself and the floor.

“Fuck!” He gasped as he turned around. “Why are you here Luci? How did you get in?” He asked the woman once he caught his wits.

He moved to grab a towel to wipe up the spill. Luci grinned at Silas.

“Oh poor baby, your mind is slipping. I got in through that door you left open.” She replied, licking her lips and blinking her unusual eyes one at a time. “You should be more careful, you know. Weirdos can come inside.” She said with another laugh.

She leaned back in her chair and balanced it on the rear two legs. She watched Silas. Silas watched her but he tried not to look directly at her eyes. He always tried to not look at her eyes. They made him uneasy.

“So is the boy toy still here?” She asked. “Does he stay the night or do you toss him out like me? And damn Silas, you're one fucked up kinky bastard. I was watching you.” She added with a wink.

Her tone was teasing but her voice still made Silas feel cold inside. Silas turned and glared.

“Don't you fucking dare talk about him. He's off limits.” Silas said sternly and kept his voice low as to not wake Noak.

He reached his hand up, running fingertips over the red and purple bites on his throat. He was appalled knowing Luci had been watching.

“You're no fun anymore.” Luci sighed.

She shifted her chair. The legs scraped the tile beneath them. Silas looked around the kitchen and saw that the counter by the back door had been cleared; the items which belonged there were scattered over the floor.

‘That explains the sounds.’  _ Does it you little shit?  _ **Useless.** _ You're a fucking mess. _

“Can you please quiet down?” Silas said to Luci.

He didn't know why he said please. He had no reason to treat the woman with any sense of decency. She was trouble. He crossed the room and settled into his own chair. He winced as he sat down on the hardwood.

“You don't even belong here. If you wake him, I will kill you.” Silas said darkly.

Luci was beaming at him.

“Ooh a threat.” She said cheerfully.

She was laughing again, long and loud.

“Quiet.” Silas snapped.

Luci laughed louder.

“Leave.” Silas said. “Get the hell out of my house.” He said, raising his voice.

A shadow was at the back door, watching him with three eyes. He was getting increasingly irritated with Luci. She stopped laughing and looked at Silas. She blinked slowly. She reached over the table and took hold of his hands.

“Don't you miss me, Babe? The fun we've had?” She asked, her tone light.

She leaned towards him and smiled. She raised up a bottle of gin and set it on the table between them.

“No.” Was his short reply.

He pulled his hand away.

“Liar.” She said with a devious smirk.

She flicked his ear and chuckled darkly.

“Stop it!” Silas shouted, at her. “Get the fuck out of here. I swear to God!” He said loudly.

Luci hissed like a cat and recoiled at the mention of God. She was disgusted and got up from her seat, chair legs extra noisy against the tiles. The bottle of gin crashed against the floor, shattering. There was no denying the entire exchange was loud enough to wake Noak. Silas started to panic. He heard the taller man get out of bed and the door to the bedroom open and close.

“Silas?” Noak said from the hallway.

“You need to get out now!” Silas said, getting to his feet and it toppled his chair.

“Go. Fucking leave!” Silas said.

Silas grabbed at, dragged and practically threw Luci out the side door into his garden. He had slammed it shut, hard enough the kitchen walls shook. He was on the outside of the door standing in the almost freezing temperatures, dressed in only his pants.

“Don't fucking come back here!” Silas shouted into the night. “I hate you!”

“Silas?” Noak called into the darkness once more, not really awake. “What is going on? Who are you talking to?” He asked sleepily. “I just heard yelling.” He said with a yawn.

Noak stepped into the kitchen and squinted at the light. He found the kitchen empty, chairs from the table overturned and a mess by the back door. He saw the bottle of gin, broken on the floor. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and slowly felt more and more awake.

“Silas?” He called out again. “Where are you?” He asked.

Noak knew he'd heard the other man just moments earlier. He’d heard the clatter of the chairs. He looked around the kitchen confused. He moved to the back door and opened it, looking out into the garden.Silas was there, just outside on the grass, staring off dazed. It didn't look like he even registered Noak had come outside.

“Silas?” Noak said yet again.

He walked down the four steps and closed the space between them.

“Silas, it is freezing out here. What is going on?” He said.

Silas didn't respond. He was watching two shadows play handball against the garden ledge. He was looking for Luci. He was angry, he'd just had her and then she was gone. Noak reached out to Silas, touched him on shoulder and his skin was ice cold. The shorter man jumped at the contact. He turned away from Noak, eyes wide and cheeks stained with tears. He stared off towards the woods. He looked terrified.

“Hey, we need to get you inside.” The taller man insisted.

He helped to steer Silas back to the house. The shorter man's movements were stiff and awkward. He didn't seem to want to move at all. Noak had to lift him to get him up the steps. Once they were back inside with the door closed and locked, Noak rushed to the living room for a blanket. He returned and wrapped Silas up in the fabric. Silas shook the cover away.

“No.” Silas whispered.

“Silas you are frozen. What were you doing outside widout your clodes on?” Noak asked, concerned. “It's dree in deh morning.” He added.

Silas turned to look up past Noak, green eyes big and wide. He saw more shadows swirling on the ceiling. He shivered. He heard Noak and was trying to respond to the sound of his voice. Silas had no idea what Noak had said. He stood there and shivered. Noak tried again to cover the shaking man in the throw blanket.

“No!” Silas shouted.

He pushed Noak away and looked over his shoulder. Silas could see Luci just outside the kitchen door. His nostrils flared like he was angry but his expression was one of fear. Noak was confused and worried.

“Are you having an episode?” Noak asked carefully.

Silas stared at Luci. The shadows were gone. He mouthed the word leave. She smiled, blew him a kiss and was gone. Noak turned to follow Silas's line of vision. He didn't see anything.

“Silas?” Noak tried again.

“Center night water fire green. Green night water. Fire.” Silas said. “End the suffering.” He whispered.

His voice caught up in his throat. It was dry again. Noak looked down at Silas, his expression one of deep confusion.

“Green night water.” Silas said, looking up at his boyfriend with tears running down his cheeks.

Silas had a look on his face that clearly displayed his confusion as to why Noak could not understand him. Noak had no idea what he was supposed to do. He had no idea what the smaller man was saying. He understood the words just fine. It just made no sense how he used them.

“What?” Noak asked.

Silas looked up at the other man and was starting to get more frustrated. He tightened his hands into fists. He turned away from Noak and slammed his hand into the countertop.

“Fire green water.” Silas said through clenched teeth. “Piano wire.” He said quietly.

Silas reached for the mug he’d used earlier, desperate for more water. His other hand turned on the tap. His hands shook violently. He couldn't get a proper grip on the mug. The ceramic was too heavy. It crashed to the counter with his hand and shattered in his palm.

“Hey, hey.” Noak said, voice calming.

He stepped closer to Silas. The shorter man’s hand was bleeding just below his fingers. Noak grabbed a tea towel and moved to wipe his boyfriend's hand.

“Cross love final.” Silas whispered. “Bench truth cell.” He said, words hardly audible.

“What?” Noak said again.

Silas sobbed and started to laugh. He dropped the towel Noak put in his hand. He slammed his fist against the counter again. The tears started falling harder.

**[Yes. Fresh blood. We want more. Do it Silas. Bleed more.]** ‘I will listen. I should listen.’

Silas looked down at his hand and saw the blood. 

**[Bleed you worthless shit.]**

Silas reached for the largest of the mug shards and he closed his hand around it. He cried out in pain. Noak thought quickly and grabbed him by the wrist.

“Silas. Drop dat. Please.” Noak said.

Silas squeezed it tighter and cried out again. The blood dripped down onto the counter. Noak pried the shard from Silas’s hand and dropped it in the sink.

“Why are you doing dis?” Noak asked him. “Silas? Are deh voices telling you to do dis? You don’t have to listen.” He said.

Silas felt his body surge with panic and pulled away from Noak. He walked away from the counter. He hovered at the center of the room, looking around and felt a sinking lost feeling. He stared at the overturned chairs. He saw red. He saw chaos. Nothing made sense to him.

“Fuck!” He screamed.

The shadows were back. He took a step closer to the table and swayed on weak legs. Noak took the towel off the counter. He turned to watch what Silas was doing. Clearly something was wrong with his boyfriend and with this entire situation. Noak wanted to know what and if there was anything he could do to help. He moved closer to Silas again and set his hand against the small of his back. He held it there, testing to see if the other man would react negatively. When he didn’t, Noak rubbed soothing circles against the skin. Silas visibly calmed down.

“Silas, can you tell me what deh hell is going on?” Noak asked quietly.

He noticed Silas was bleeding pretty heavily but it didn’t look serious enough to warrant stitches. It was mostly surface damage. He took the injured hand and pressed the towel into his palm to stop the blood. Silas shouted wordlessly and pulled his hand away.

“Luci.” Silas said with a loud sob before he entirely broke down.

“Was she here?” Noak asked angrily. “Where did she go?” He added.

Silas pushed Noak away. It was hardly a shove with how weak Silas was at the moment.

“Silas. Please tell me. Was she here? Is she here now?” Noak asked.

Noak walked over to the garden door and pulled it open. He gave the area a quick look but there wasn't anyone there. He closed the door and walked back to Silas.

“Luci. Bad Luci.” Silas cried.

Silas shook his head rapidly and stumbled closer to his boyfriend. He closed his eyes and leaned into him. He trembled and his skin felt like it burned where Noak placed his hand at his hip. Calm on the outside, Silas was anything but on the inside. He wanted to run away from Noak but hadn't the energy. Noak closed his arms around Silas as the smaller man's knees buckled.

“It comes up.” Silas said, voice hoarse.

His whole body warmed from the inside out. His skin was damp with sweat. It was all sudden. He'd been cold to the touch minutes earlier. Silas’s stomach clenched as a wave of nausea passed over him. He dry heaved three times and cried out in pain. Everything hurt.

“Silas, what is wrong wid you?” Noak asked, worried. “Should I call help?” He added.

Silas gagged. He couldn't find the words to answer Noak, the frustration of it making him feel worse. Silas was becoming a dead weight in Noak’s arms.

“No!” Silas shouted eventually. “No. No. No.” He repeated, tone that of fear.

“You need to get back in bed den.” The taller man said. “You are burning up.” He added.

“No.” Silas said. “Sick. Green night fire water. Stop Luci.” He sobbed.

Silas’s knees completely gave out. He was fully supported by Noak now. He was half crumpled on the floor. Silas lifted his arm towards the table, the simple task a struggle. He held onto it for some time. He eventually pointed with his other hand towards the cubby over the sink. Noak followed his direction and let his eyes scan the cluttered content. To the right was a beat up box of sleep time green tea. He reached up and pulled the box down.

“Dis what you want?” He asked.

Silas was shaking his head no and the word that came out his mouth was boots.

“She doesn't like you.” Silas cried. “She hates you.” He said darkly.

“Who doesn't? Luci?” Noak asked. “Fuck Luci. I don't give a shit about Luci.” He said.

Silas gagged. He pointed towards the door to the hallway. He couldn’t get the word toilet to come out of his mouth.

“Sick.” He said.

“Silas. Tell me, was she here? What happened?” Noak said in a rush.

“Gone.” Silas said.

Noak nodded but felt confused. He watched Silas stand upright. He helped the smaller man out of the kitchen. Silas pointed to the toilet door and Noak helped him inside. As he reached to flip on the light, Silas plunked down on the floor and got sick all over the toilet seat and surrounding area. Noak watched as Silas got sick again. This time he made it into the toilet.

“Do I need to call an ambulance?” Noak asked.

Silas made a low groaning sound and got sick one more time.

“No no no no no.” Silas mumbled and started shaking his head. Silas hated the hospital and would do anything he could to avoid it.

Noak saw that Silas's hand was still bleeding. It slowed significantly but wouldn't scab as the location of several cuts was in his palm.

“Orange silencers.” Silas whispered up to his boyfriend. “Fuck. Fuck!”

Silas hid his face in his hands, crying again at the pain in his head. He paid no mind to the blood or the sick that was all over. Noak was just as confused with this as he was with the green water and like the green water, Noak planned to figure this out too. He got down on his knees and gently placed his hands on the other's shoulders, squeezing gently to get his attention. When that didn't work he gently pulled Silas’s hands from his face. Silas looked dazed. His eyes were glassy. He had sort of a red hand print pressed to his face.

“Silas, what is going on?” Noak asked calmly. “How can I help wid dis?” He whispered.

Silas looked towards Noak but past him. Two large eyes blinked at him from over the shower head. Silas held his breath. He shook his head and closed his eyes.

“Can I help you?” Noak asked, trying to keep his voice calming and level as he started to panic. “Are you drunk?” He asked, hating to, knowing full well the man seated before him had been sober for six years.

_ Worthless fuck up. [Silas is no good.]  _ **Useless.** _ [Silas deserves nothing.] You’re a waste. _

Not looking at Noak, Silas was still shaking with sobs.

“Sick fire Luci. Orange silencers. Stop Luci.” Silas rambled and repeated himself twice.

“You are sick? Is dat it?” Noak asked.

“Sick fire Luci. Orange silencers. Stop Luci.” Silas said for a third time. “Shit. Fuck.”

“Right. Okay.” Noak sighed, mostly to himself.

Silas was looking at the eyes over the shower head, staring at them as they stared back at him. Noak got up from the floor and turned to face the vanity and mirror. He wasn't the type to snoop but he was looking for answers. The drawers along the side of the vanity provided no help. An assortment of towels and flannels filled them and one was even empty. He moved to the other side and found much of the same. Noak thought Silas had way too many towels for a man who lived alone. Silas laid himself out on the floor with a groan. The cool tile felt good against his heated skin. He dragged himself towards Noak before he flopped onto his back.

_ Worthless fuck up. [Silas is no good.]  _ **Useless.** _ [Silas deserves nothing.] You’re a waste. _

“I won't let her hurt you.” Silas whispered, reaching for and touching Noak on the shin.

Silas pulled his hand away. He turned so he was looking out into the hallway. A shadow waved. He smiled at it. He waved back. He closed his eyes and groaned. When he opened them again he turned his head to look away from the shadow.

“She wants to.” Silas whispered. “I'll kill her.” He said.

Noak shuddered. He wasn't sure what the hell happened but Silas’s words chilled him. He turned his attention back to looking for an answer. He checked the mirror cabinet next, the door rusty and loud as it swung open. Inside was a toothbrush and some toothpaste, a bottle of face wash and items used for shaving. On the bottom most shelf, dead center, was a pair of bright orange prescription drug bottles, with several labels on them and Silas Langston in big bold letters. Noak picked up the larger bottle and brought it closer to read. It was a prescription for 50mg Loxapine and had directions to take one, three times a day and two at night. Noak had never seen Silas take the medication and he looked to see how recently it was filled. The pills in his hand were over two months old but the bottle was still full. Noak felt his stomach turn; there was his proof that Silas had been lying about being back on his meds. At least this knowledge helped Noak to narrow down the cause of Silas's behaviour. Noak looked down at Silas, who was zoned out, staring at the foot of the tub. Silas was laughing quietly.

“Silas.” Noak said softly as he wanted to get his attention but not startle him.

Silas turned his head slowly and looked up at Noak. He pointed at the bottle in Noak’s hand.

“Yes.” He said, pointing at the orange bottle. “Yes.” He said again.

Silas reached towards Noak and held onto his leg. He gripped Noak’s knee. He started to cry again. The tears poured out and the sobs were loud and ugly.

“Sorry!” Silas cried. “I bad. Fucked up. I fucked up.” He slurred through the sobs. “Silencers. We need to stop Luci. Green fire. Stop. Stop.” He whispered.

Noak knelt down on the floor again and held. Silas’s head in his lap. He brushed back his hair. Silas was looking at him. His vision was blurry. He was starting to feel cold again.

“Silas.” Noak whispered. “Silas, can you answer me someding?” He asked.

“You important.” Silas whispered. “I fuck up.” He mumbled, playing with the edge of Noak's sleeve.

“Silas, is Luci a hallucination?” Noak asked.

“No!” Silas shouted. “Y-y-you. You are ‘portant.” He mumbled.

Noak sighed.

“Will you take your pills if I get you water?” Noak asked quietly.

He had set the bottle against his leg. He was trailing his fingers over Silas’s cheek. He looked at his boyfriend, who hadn't acknowledged the question.

“Sweetheart.” Noak whispered, stroking his cheek. “Why are you doing dis to yourself?” He asked.

It was painful enough to watch. Noak couldn't even try to understand what was going on inside Silas's mind.

“Please. Take your medication.” Noak whispered.

Silas smiled. It wasn't at Noak.

Noak reached into the closest drawer. He pulled out a towel and put it under Silas’s head like a pillow when he got up. He didn't like the idea of him on the bare tile. He took a cup from the counter and filled it with water. He grabbed the second prescription bottle and moved everything to Silas’s side. Noak helped the smaller man sit up. He took two pills from the first bottle and one from the second, which were tranquilizers. He gave them to Silas and he took them without protest. Noak breathed a sigh of relief. Silas snuggled up to Noak and laid in his lap. Noak was rubbing his shoulder blade. Noak looked down at the tired man.

“Sleep.” Silas said quietly.

“Please keep taking dese.” Noak sighed.

“Tired.” Silas whispered.

“Silas, look at me.” Noak whispered as he gently stroked Silas’s cheek.

Silas shook his head no. He nuzzled the side of his boyfriend's belly.

“Sleep.” Silas said again, rolling his head to kiss the soft skin.

Noak sighed at the kiss. He helped to get Silas to his feet. He set him against the counter. Silas leaned back and held himself up.

_ Oh you bastard. You worthless shit. Everyone hates you. _

“Sleep.” Silas said and pushed weakly against his boyfriend.

“Stop dat, Sweetheart.” Noak said.

He took hold of the smaller man’s hands and gave a squeeze. He let go of one hand to cup Silas’s cheek, to steady his head and meet his gaze.

“You have sick on you and blood.” Noak explained.

_ You worthless shit. _

“Sleep.” Silas cried.

Noak quickly cleaned the mess off his boyfriend. He took the time to wrap his hand in plasters he found in another drawer. He then helped Silas walk to his room. Noak was thankful that Silas was walking on his own. He wasn't so pleased with how spaced out Silas was; he thought about calling for an ambulance despite the man telling him no. Silas stumbled at the door to his room. He looked down at the floor.

“She left. You leave too.” Silas said quietly against the door frame.

Noak got him into bed. He stripped off his pants as they were covered in sick as well. Silas was not there mentally at all. He pushed Noak away several times as the other man worked to settle him down and tuck him into bed with extra blankets. Silas settled against the pillows.

“Luci gone.” Silas mumbled.

_You're weak. Useless piece of shit._ _You're better off dead._

“Stop.” Silas said against the pillow.

Noak took his hands off Silas and looked down at him.

“Not you.” Silas said and looked at Noak with hazy eyes. “Hold me so I don't fall.” Silas whispered. 

Noak climbed into bed and wrapped the smaller man up in his arms. He held him until Silas’s breath evened and he surrendered to sleep. Noak was left wide awake and wondering if he’d done the right thing. He wondered if maybe he should have taken Silas to the hospital. He would let the small man sleep the night and see how things were once he woke up. He hoped Silas would sleep until his mind settled. With the tranquilizer in his system it was pretty certain he'd be out for the night and most of the morning.

The issue of not taking his medication and keeping that knowledge from him worried Noak. Once things calmed, he absolutely planned on talking to Silas about it. He wanted to encourage Silas to be more open; he wanted Silas to know he'd be there for him if he needed him to be and would support whatever choice he made. He wanted to know why Silas lied to him. Noak didn’t want to be lied to. He was deeply in love with the man at his side and he would do anything and everything to keep him happy and safe. He didn’t think asking Silas to be honest with him would be asking too much.


	21. Chapter 21

29 September 1991

Noak Martensson was sitting on a bench inside the office of the primary school's headmaster's office. A melting packet of ice was held against his cheek. His eyes were red and puffy from crying and his nose was dripping with snot. He sniffled hard but it was no use. He'd been hysterical crying. At least the crying had stopped.

An issue at recess, a time when all the school's classrooms were empty and the students had free run of the playground and adjoining field, had ended in a fight between four students in two separate age groups. Noak was one of the four. Two of his classmates made the decision that it was okay to beat up on Noak, figuring that his speech impediment was reason enough to go through with it. It was unfortunately a common occurrence on the playground.

Noak was not a fighter by nature and did little to defend himself, being nearly twice as tall as the two boys that did it one might expect him to have the upper hand but it just wasn't in him to fight back. He stood his ground, using his words to try and stop the punches coming his way; it only egged the other kids on. It wasn't until he'd been knocked to the ground that another student came running to his defense.

Sitting to his left on the same bench, was Anna Martensson. Anna was Noak's younger sister and she tolerated nothing when it came to hurting her brother. She was two years behind him in school and quite small for her age group. What she lacked in physical size, she made up for with spunk and an unmatched feistiness. She had run over and started wailing on the boys that thought it fun to beat up her big brother.

Needless to say, teachers got involved and broke up the fight. The two boys that started the ordeal were sent home. Anna too, was to be sent home, despite her actions being done with noble intentions. Fighting of any kind was simply not tolerated in school. Noak had cried and asked to go home with his sister. He complained of a bad stomach ache. The school nurse gave him the okay to leave for the day.

The siblings were waiting on their mother to come pick them up. Maja Martensson, the only person on both of her children's contact list, had been at work and had to leave the office to come get them. The office was over an hour away from the school.

“You have to stop getting yourself into trouble Anna.” Noak said, looking at his sister and sniffling again. “Not over me. It's not good to keep doing dis.”

“Psh.” The younger sibling said flippantly. “I'll fight anyone, I mean anyone that messes with you big brother.”

“Don't fight people Anna, I'm serious. Dat's not very nice of you.” Noak replied.

“Well it's not nice that they are mean to you.” Anna said in reply.

“I don't need a guard dog. Dat's what you act like. I don't like seeing you in trouble.” He whispered. “Please stop doing dis.”

Anna giggled and barked at her brother. “Maybe I wanna be your attack dog.” She said.

Noak just rolled his eyes and pulled the ice pack off his face. His skin was rosy red from the cold ice but it didn't look like there would be any lasting damage from the punches.

“How bad is it?” He asked his sister quietly.

Anna looked up at her brother and squinted her eyes. “It looks fine to me.” She answered. “Maybe wipe your nose. You got boogers all over your face.”

Noak wiped across his face with his sleeve. It was gross but he was eight years old; what did he care?

“It doesn't feel fine.” Noak sighed. His cheek felt sore and the stomachache he'd faked was starting to feel real. “Do you dink Mama's going to be mad at us for all dis?”

“No.” Anna replied.

“Promise?” Noak asked.

“Yes Noak. I promise.” She said and smiled at him.

Noak smiled back.

The hour passed fairly quickly and soon their mother arrived at the school. Just like all the other times the woman had to pick her children up before the school day was done, she signed the incident reports. One for each child. She then signed them out and walked with them out to the car. She didn't say anything to either of them until they were sitting inside and the engine running.

“I'm not angry with either of you two, but you have to understand I can't keep leaving work to come get you. This is happening almost weekly at this point and I can't keep doing it.” Maja said, tone calm and even.

“I'm sorry Mama.” Noak whispered.

“Sorry Mama.” Anna added.

Anna took the back seat, sitting behind their mother so she could easily see Noak up front. He was in the passenger side seat and struggled to get himself buckled in.

“Anna, stop. You're stepping on deh back of deh seatbelt.” He whispered, frustrated. “I can't pull it if you do dat.”

“No I'm not.” Anna said, voice loud in the confined space of the car. “I'm not behind your seat.” She explained.

“Mama, I can't get dis. It's stuck.” Noak said, looking at his mother.

“Would you like me to help you then?” She asked kindly.

“Yes, please.” He said.

Maja took a few seconds to help Noak pull the seatbelt across his body and snapped it securely. She looked towards the back seat.

“You all buckled up too?” She asked.

“Yes Mama!” Anna said and kicked her legs in an excited way. “Can we go out to dinner?” She asked, still excited and hyper.

“I think that we can do that.” Maja said. “I'm taking you two home first. It's much to early for dinner.”

“Do you have to go back to work Mama?” Noak asked, as Maja backed the car out of the parking space and drove towards the street.

“Not today Noak. I'll stay home with you two.” She answered him.

“Yay!” Anna cheered.

Maja glanced at her daughter through the mirror. “You should not be this hyper.” She said with a smile. “Don't find joy in getting into trouble my dear girl.”

“Yes I should.” Anna said and started giggling. “I have joy but from helping my brother, not being sent home.”

“You do know why you were sent home from school, yes?” Maja asked.

“Because I beat up the bad boys.” Anna said with a grin.

“You shouldn't be beating anyone up. I understand why you did but that doesn't make it right.” Maja said.

“I told her not to.” Noak whispered. “She doesn't listen.”

“They were being mean to Noak. I did what I had to Mama.” Anna said.

“You see anyone being mean to Noak you go tell a teacher Anna. You can't just take the matter into your own hands.” Maja explained. “I don't want you getting hurt either. Some of those kids are much bigger than you are.”

“Fine.” Anna whine and huffed loudly.

“She did get a good punch in dough.” Noak said, looking at his mother. He had a little sideways grin.

“Noak, sweetie, I'm not going to encourage her. You shouldn't either.” Maja said and took her hand off the wheel to pat her son on the shoulder. “I will speak to your teachers again, these boys cannot keep harassing you but I don't want either of you to fight anymore.”

“Yes Mama.” The Martensson siblings said at the same time.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Later that night, the family of three returned to their home after dinner. Maja sent Anna off to take a bath. She was milling around the kitchen, trying to clean up the mess from dinner the night before. Noak had taken a shower and was dresses in a pair of  _ Star Wars  _ pajamas. He wandered into the kitchen.

“Mama?” He said quietly, pulling out one of the chairs and sitting down at the kitchen table.

He reached towards the middle of the table and took a piece of fruit from the bowl sitting there. He bounced the apple between his hands but didn't eat it. It was a nervous reaction to his anxious mood.

“Yes Noak?” Maja asked, turning her attention from loading up the dishwasher.

“Do I have to go back to school tomorrow?” Noak asked, voice no louder than a whisper. “Because I don't want to go back. Deh oder kids are mean and it's distracting me from trying to learn deh dings I need to.”

Maja set the dirty dish in her hand down on the counter and crossed over the room to sit down with her son. She looked at him and reached across the table to push back his hair from his eyes. She thought he might want a haircut, it was getting longer than he'd ever grown it.

“You have to go back.” She said. “Though I understand why you don't want to.”

“Den why make me go?” He asked and set his hands down on the tabletop. “Can you stay home and teach me, like we did last year?”

“You know I would love to sweetie but it's just not something I can do right now.” Maja said. “I have to work now and I don't have the time to work, be a teacher and a mama all at once.”

“Den how do I stop deh kids from distracting me?” He asked.

“You go into school and you be the best kid you can be. Not everyone you meet will be unkind to you Noak. You have your friends, stick with them.” Maja said.

“Dere are nice people Mama but dey don't always want to be around me.” Noak replied. “Sometimes even my friends don't sit wid me or want to play.”

“No, you can't expect them too Noak. You spend some time with them and then some time on your own. You have to learn to like being on your own too, you know. There's nothing wrong with enjoying your own company from time to time.” She said. “And the times you are expected to do your school work, you do your best. Only you are responsible for your work, not the other kids. You are so smart my dear boy. You have the intelligence of your father and he would be so proud of you.”

“I'm smart like Dada was?” Noak asked and grinned at his mother.

“You're very smart Noak and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.” She said and placed her hand on the back of his.

“And deh oder student in my class? What do I do about dem Mama?” Noak said.

“You do your best to ignore those who don't want to know you. Tell your teachers if someone treats you badly. You can stick up for yourself without ever laying a hand on someone. And then you appreciate the people that do want to know you, I'm sure many will. And whenever you can, Noak, you be kind. It may surprise you how kindness spreads.” Maja said. “I am not asking you to forgive those that have wronged you time and time again my sweetie, but remember that everyone makes mistakes Your friends make them. You make them. Even I make mistakes Noak. Be reasonably forgiving. Be patient with people and the right ones will be patient with you.”

“I can be kind Mama.” Noak said. “And wid deh right reminders, I dink Anna can be kind too.” He laughed.

“You two are are wonderful kids. And I'm not just saying so because I'm your Mama.” She said. She got up from her chair. “I truly believe you are two good people and I'm proud of you both. Now, care to help me finish loading the dishwasher?”

Maja leaned over and kissed the top of Noak's head.

“Yes Mama. I can help you wid dis.” He said and climbed out of his chair.


	22. Chapter 22

2011

Three days had gone by since the late night incident and Silas hadn’t done much more than sleep every single one of those days. He rarely got out of bed at all. He ate food when Noak brought it to him and took his medication as prescribed, at the request of his boyfriend. He knew it was what he should be doing anyway. He continued to take the tranquilizers at night as his nightmares were awful, happening every time he tried to sleep without them, even with Noak sleeping by his side. He’d suffered through four migraines between Sunday afternoon and Monday night. He had been a mess and difficult to put up with but Noak was at his side through it all.

It was early on Tuesday afternoon and Silas started feeling more like himself again. He was far from being well but felt more grounded and his headaches had stopped. That morning he had decided to leave his room and set himself up to relax in the living room.

Laying on the sofa with a cup of tea within reach and a mystery novel open in his lap,Silas was gazing at the man on the other end. He sat with a throw blanket over his legs and had his feet resting in Noak’s lap. The taller man looked up from his own book and over at Silas. He touched his leg, and his thumb absently rubbed circles over the bone in his ankle.

“So, you really called in to work to be with me?” Silas asked in disbelief, Noak had mentioned it over breakfast. Silas asked him about it a half dozen times.

“I did not want to leave you in deh state you’ve been in.” Noak said. “I will return to work when you are feeling well again.” He added.

Silas looked at him, shaking his head. He couldn’t believe the idea that someone wanted to take care of him when he couldn’t do it for himself. He leaned over and put his book down on the table. He looked back at Noak.

“Why?” Silas asked, getting choked up. “What I’ve put you through has been nothing short of terrible.” He said, lip quivering as he held back tears.

Noak got up from the sofa, gently placing Silas’s legs down against the cushion. He took a few side-steps down to the other end and got on his knees to be eye level with Silas. He took his boyfriend's hands in his, large fingers wrapped around his smaller palm. He traced over the fading lines of his healing injury. Noak looked up at Silas. He made sure to meet his gaze, blue locking with green.

“Because I am so very in love with you, Silas Langston. I need to make sure you’re okay. I wouldn’t be if you aren’t.” Noak said, not breaking eye contact.

Silas started to laugh because if he didn’t he would start crying. He gave the larger man's hand a squeeze and tugged him in for a kiss. His eyes slipped closed and the tears rolled down his cheeks anyway.

“I love you too, you big Cuddle-bear.” Silas said and pressed his lips against the taller man’s again. “I'm really sorry I put you through all of this.” He apologized when the kiss ended.

Noak's heart jumped at his words. He shushed the smaller man's apologies, kissing him. He reached to wipe at Silas’s tears. Noak was about to cry himself, Silas had never said he loved him before. It was a pleasant surprise and Noak was thrilled to hear it.

“I told you, no more apologies.” Noak whispered. “I love you so much more dan anyding, anyone I’ve ever loved. I need you to know dat noding is going to change dat.” He paused. “I just have to say one ding about us.” He said, a sad look in his eyes.

“What?” Silas asked, still holding onto Noak’s gaze.

“I need you to stop lying and keeping dings from me.” Noak said. “Please. No more lies.” He said.

Silas nodded. He completely understood where Noak was coming from and he didn’t want to lie anymore. He decided then that he would be up front and honest from then on. He reached across the small space and wiped at a few stray tears that made their way over Noak’s cheek.

“I can do that.” Silas said, smiling at the taller man. “I am really sorry I lied in the first place.” He whispered.

Noak gave his hand a squeeze, letting him know that it was going to be okay.

Silas leaned in again pressing a few more kisses to his boyfriend's lips. He hadn't the energy to do much more than light kissing but he was content to offer what he could. He rested his head against the other man's and held his gaze. They were smiling at one another and after a minute, Noak stood back up. Silas moved so they could sit somewhat comfortably together on the same side of the sofa. Noak wrapped his arms around Silas tightly. Silas leaned into the embrace and sighed contentedly.

After a little snuggle time, Noak turned on the television and quietly watched a football match while Silas read his book until he fell asleep. Soon Noak was sleeping as well, snoring quietly against his boyfriend's neck.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Silas woke from their brief nap first. He carefully shifted, turning around. He pressed his lips to Noak's, waking him. The taller man opened his eyes, still feeling a little bit sleepy. He didn't remember falling asleep. He looked at Silas and kissed him back, running his hand up his back to play with his hair. Silas fluttered his eyes closed and kissed his boyfriend more deeply.

“Will you move in with me?” Silas whispered against his lips.

Noak leaned back to look at Silas, trying to read his expression. Noak wanted to say yes immediately but something in his mind held him back. Was Silas ready for that? Was he ready for it? The thought was very pleasant to Noak but his worry was strong. He was worried that Silas might have been playing with him or that maybe he wasn’t thinking clearly.

“Are you being serious?” Noak asked, nervously licking over his lips.

Silas smiled and nodded his head. He reached his hand up and traced around the side of Noak’s face. He pulled his hand away then moved back in and booped him on the nose. Noak smiled at his boyfriend’s silly behaviour.

“Quite serious, yes. I want you to move in here with me. You and me, in this house.” Silas said. “Please, tell me you will.” He whispered.

Noak smiled. “Ja Sweetheart, I will.” Noak said with a smile. “Of course I will.” He said.

Silas grinned brightly. He was excited and optimistic about it. He hadn’t lived with anyone in a very long time but he wanted Noak with him in the house. He loved him and felt safe around him. Silas wanted that feeling to last always, not just the times the taller man was hanging around.

“You are sure dis is what you want?” Noak asked, just having to be sure. “I mean, I would want dis. I do want dis but you've been on your own it might take some adjustment.”

“Then we adjust together, Cuddle-bear.” Silas said. “Yes. I want this. I know I do.”

“Alright den. I will.” The taller man said.

The two lay there in silence. They looked at one another and Silas smiled.

“So we’re really gonna do this?” He said, laughing.

“Ja, we are.” Noak said with a laugh of his own. “You are sure dat dis is what you want?” He asked again, just to be safe.

“It’s exactly what I want Noak.” Silas said. “I love you. You haven't run out on me. You took care of me instead of leaving me in the poorly state I was in. Of course I want this.” He whispered.

“I love you too.” Noak said and pulled Silas’s lips against his own. “I couldn't leave you. I care too much to leave you in a state like dat.”

They kissed again, deeper. The kiss was interrupted as Silas’s mobile started to ring from the other room. The smaller man groaned and got himself up from the sofa. He thought that maybe it was Anna calling, with news from Evan. He was still waiting to see if he’d be able to start work again. He left the living room and headed for his bedroom.

Noak sat forwards and got up from the sofa. He gave his body a stretch, their nap had been nice but his body cramped from how they were laying. He reached over to the table with the lamp on it and picked up his own mobile. He sent a text to Anna, letting her know that he was going to be moving in with Silas. Silas hadn’t returned yet and Noak heard something from the kitchen.

“Silas?” He called out, wondering if the other man had taken a detour for another cup of tea.

“I’m on the phone. Hold on.” Silas yelled back, his voice had come from the bedroom.

Confused, Noak made his way out into the hallway. He poked his head into the kitchen and saw that the garden door was open. Nothing else looked out of place; the room was empty. He walked over to the door and peeked outside. There was a light rain falling and a gentle breeze. He shook his head, dismissing the open door as something the wind was responsible for. He pulled the door shut and made sure to lock it, to stop it happening again. Without another thought on it, Noak made his way towards the bedroom.

Silas was coming down the hall and met the taller man. He smiled at him. Noak smiled back and didn’t mention the incident with the garden door.

“Was dat Anna?” Noak asked, reaching to pull Silas into a hug.

“No. It was my therapist.” Silas said, hugging him back. “She needed to push back my appointment an hour.” He explained and stepped away.

“Did you still want me to drive you?” Noak asked.

“Yes, thank you.” Silas said and looked down at the floor. “Um, I was wondering if you’d like to come in and sit with me for it. I asked Andrea if that would be okay and she said that she was happy to allow it, and she is excited to meet you.” He said, looking back up.

“Ja, I will go wid you if dat’s what you want.” Noak said. “What time did we have to be dere?” He asked.

“Six.” Silas whispered. “So we have some time.” He added. 

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Noak and Silas arrived at Andrea’s office with just two minutes to spare. Silas had taken a bit longer than planned getting ready to go, having a mini breakdown shortly after finishing his shower. He was able to calm himself, talking to Noak and keeping himself distracted by playing music while getting dressed.

Andrea met them in the waiting room and led the pair to her office. She took a few minutes to get herself organized and when she took her seat the session was ready to begin. Andrea was sitting in her chair, Silas and Noak in two seats across from her. She had her notepad open to a blank page and balanced her pen between her finger and thumb. She was smiling, a reflection of Silas’s own smile.

“Hello Silas.” Andrea said. “And very nice to meet you Noak.” She said, reaching to shake the taller man’s hand.

“Nice to meet you.” Noak said quietly as he reciprocated the handshake.

“So how have you been?” Andrea asked, looking at the smaller man. “Are you doing better than last week?” She asked.

“Not really. I haven’t been well.” Silas answered truthfully. “I want to come clean and apologize to you for lying. I was off my medication for weeks and shit got fucked.” He continued.

Andrea nodded her head. She had known this was the case for the last couple of weeks and had wondered when Silas was going to admit to it. She was relieved that he finally did.

“I accept your apology.” She said. “Are you taking them now?” She asked.

“Yes I am.” Silas replied. “Only three days but I'm already feeling better.” He said.

“I'm glad you're feeling better Silas.” Andrea said and wrote something down. “Did you want to tell me why you stopped?” She asked him, looking up from the paper.

“You know why I stopped.” Silas said coolly, looking down at the floor. “I don't need to tell you.” He said.

Andrea nodded and scribbled across her page. She looked back at Silas.

“I'd like you to lead today's session.” She said. “What would you like to talk about?” She asked.

“I lost my job. Evan fired me.” Silas said. “But Anna is trying to work it out. She said she'd do everything she could.” He was quick to add.

“Oh Silas, I'm so sorry. What happened?” She asked.

Silas looked away again. His gaze fell to the floor and he was chewing on his lip. He looked up at Noak before going back to Andrea.

“Evan received emails that threatened his job and his family.” Silas whispered. “They came from my account but I didn't send them. He sent a reply telling me my time at the paper was over and I wouldn't be welcomed at the office.” He explained.

Andrea was quiet. She wanted to believe Silas, knowing he wasn't the kind of person to make threats. She was worried, her gut telling her she knew what he was going to say next. When Silas remained quiet, she spoke up.

“Who sent them then?” She asked.

“Luci.” Silas said, looking at Noak. “She got into my house and sent them. She told me she did it.” He whispered.

Andrea sighed. She put her pen down and shifted her chair closer to her patient.

“Silas.” She started, trying to look him in the face.

“No.” Silas said, cutting her off from continuing. “I don't want to hear it. Luci is real. She did this.” He said, angrily.

“Silas.” Andrea said again.

Silas looked up at Andrea and he was crying silently. He felt angry and betrayed, much like he did every other time she didn’t believe him.

“I didn't do this.” Silas said. “I love my job. I wouldn't do this.” He said, slamming his fists against the arms of the chair.

“Silas, you've been off your meds. You haven't been thinking clearly.” Andrea explained. “We have gone over and over this topic before.” She said.

“I didn't send it.” Silas shouted.

“Silas, I'm not saying that you did. Is there a possibility you were hacked?” Andrea said calmly.

“No! It wasn't me. I wasn't hacked. It was Luci. She told me she did it!” Silas said and looked at his boyfriend, seeking validation. “Tell her Noak. Tell her she did it. Tell her Luci is real.” He sobbed.

Noak sat quietly. He knew that he told Silas he believed him but he had no proof. He didn't know what to say. After the incident on Saturday night, he was led to believe that there was a strong possibility that Luci was in fact part of Silas’s hallucinations.

“Silas, I want to believe you.” Noak said.

“But you don't.” Silas finished his thought and sounded crushed.

“I didn’t say dat.” Noak said.

Andrea looked at Silas. Silas was looking down at his lap.

“Fuck.” Silas cried. “Fuck not you too.” He sobbed.

“Silas, I know she's real to you.” Andrea said, speaking softly. “But Luci is just a symptom. There is no way she is real and she is not trying to ruin your life. She's just in your head.” She added.

Silas shook his head no. He wasn't having it. He was angry that Andrea constantly told him Luci didn't exist. He was hurt that Noak stopped believing him as well.

“You're both wrong.” Silas said. “And you're both going to be sorry when it's too late.” He whispered.

“Silas, you're not thinking clearly.” Andrea explained.

Noak reached for Silas's hand and whispered he was sorry. Silas pulled away and looked at the door to the office. He didn't want to be there anymore. He wanted to go home, alone. He questioned his choice to ask Noak to move in. He didn’t want to live with someone who’d said he believed and suddenly didn’t when there was someone else in the room. He started crying harder.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. You pissed me off.” Silas said, sniffling back another bout of tears.

“If that is what you want, we can talk about something else.” Andrea said. “But we can’t avoid this topic forever Silas.” She said.

Silas shook his head no again. He looked up at Noak, the look in his eyes was hurt.

“Why don’t you believe me?” Silas asked quietly.

“I don’t know what I believe Silas.” Noak whispered. “I believe you but what Andrea is saying makes a lot of sense.” He added.

“You believe me or her Noak. You can’t have both. But whatever. It’s fine.” Silas said but didn’t feel like it was fine.

Noak sat for a minute thinking several things at once. He looked at Silas.

“I'm sorry Silas. I do believe you.” Noak said. “Andrea, dere are dings happening dat make me believe him. I understand where you're coming from but until I have proof, I believe when Silas tells me dat Luci is real.” He said, looking at the therapist.

Andrea nodded her head. She didn't agree with Noak. She appreciated Silas had his support but not on this. It wasn't her place to tell Noak anything, she only hoped that he wouldn't continue to enable the thoughts of the man she was treating.

Silas looked at Noak and smiled. He was glad his boyfriend spoke up on the matter at hand. He was thankful he'd cleared up what had turned into a mess.

“So, since Silas would like to change topics, I'd like to ask how the relationship between the two of you is going?” Andrea said.

“It's good.” Silas said with a smile. “I finally told him that I love him.” He said, looking at his boyfriend. “And I asked him to move in with me.” He said.

“That's wonderful news.” Andrea said, knowing Silas had been hesitant to express his love. “Did you accept Silas's invite?” She asked, looking at the taller man.

“Ja, of course.” Noak answered, smiling.

“When did this happen?” Andrea asked.

“Dis afternoon.” Noak replied.

“He's done so well taking care of me I wanted him to be in my life everyday.” Silas chimed in.

“I'm very happy for you both and wish you luck in your endeavors.” Andrea said.

“Thank you.” Silas said and looked from Andrea to Noak. “When I had a bad episode Saturday night, Noak helped me.” He said. “I deeply appreciate he did that. Things could have ended up badly if he wasn't there.” He added.

Noak took Silas’s hand and smiled at him.

“I was terrified dat night. I wanted to leave. I didn't dough.” Noak said, speaking to both Silas and his therapist. “I pushed my fear aside to make sure Silas would be okay. I couldn't leave him in dat sort of condition.” He explained.

“He's been there all this time. He never ran out on me.” Silas said.

“Noak, have you any experience dealing with mental illness?” Andrea asked him.

“Noding of dis magnitude.” Noak replied. “I suffer from anxiety and mild depression but I've never been exposed to schizophrenia before I met Silas.” He said.

“And how do you think you will continue to be with Silas?” She asked. “It isn't easy. It will be a challenge.” She added.

“Like I told Silas, his condition doesn't change how I feel about him. I would hate to see him suffer again but I'd help him drough it should the issue arise. I'm here for him, no matter what.” Noak said.

“That's good to hear.” Andrea said. “If you're interested, my office does offer council and classes to friends and family of those with schizophrenia. I can get you the paperwork to read over.” She offered.

“Ja, alright.” Noak said, more than willing to participate in anything to help him manage Silas when he was displaying symptoms.

Silas smiled. He was shocked that Noak would do that for him. He looked at his boyfriend, filled with awe and so much love.

“And you.” Andrea said looking at Silas. “You need to stay on those meds of yours. If you'll be sharing a living place with someone you shouldn't have to be worried about causing any trouble.” She said.

“I know that.” Silas responded. “I will take my pills and from here on out there are no more lies and secrets.” He said.

“Very good. I'm so proud of you.” Andrea said. “Let me write up your prescriptions and I'll send you two on your way.” She said.

“Thank you Andrea.” Silas whispered.

“I'll get you what you need as well.” Andrea said to Noak.

Silas got up from his chair and Noak from his. Silas took the prescriptions from Andrea and Noak took the literature on the support classes. The two said their goodbyes and made their way back out to the parking lot. 

“I'm hungry.” Silas said. “Pub for dinner? I am kind of sick of take aways.” He mumbled.

“You sure about dat?” Noak asked, wondering if Silas was feeling up to it. He hadn't been out in public for a few days.

“Yeah. It's late and not a weekend. I'll be fine.” Silas said.

“Pub sounds nice.” Noak said and closed his arms around Silas.

Noak pressed a kiss to the top of his boyfriend’s head. Silas walked around to his side of the car. They got into the car and drove to Maggie Dukes.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

The pub was particularly crowded, most of the tables full with parties of four. The kitchen was busy, cooks working overtime to meet the demands of the hungry crowd. Silas waved to George behind the bar and walked to the back corner, Noak on his heels. They were pleased to find their usual table empty. They shed their coats. Noak took a seat first, sliding into the booth. Silas slid in right next to him, choosing not to sit on the other side. He snuggled up close to Noak, resting his head against the other man's shoulder.

“Do you mind?” Silas whispered.

“No.” Noak said as he put an arm around Silas’s waist.

Silas felt most at ease close to Noak and the large crowd prompted him to be close. He was feeling emotionally exhausted after everything. He’d been able to shake the negativity he felt during his session with Andrea but didn’t feel well enough to be far from Noak’s side.

“Gosh I am really hungry.” Noak commented.

The smell of hot food cooking got his mind and stomach focused on eating. A rumble sound inside his belly made Silas and himself laugh.

“What are you getting?” Noak asked.

“Meat pie.” Silas replied.

“Everytime.” Noak said with a quiet chuckle.

“Chips too.” Silas added.

It wasn't long before an older woman named Agatha approached their table. She was co-owner of the pub and George's grandmother. She smiled at the couple and leaned her hip against their table.

“Well hello there strangers.” She said in a friendly manner.

“Hi back at you.” Silas said, leaning up to kiss her cheek. “Didn’t stick us with George?” He teased and sat back down.

“Not tonight. As you can tell we're quite busy. He’d want to sit and talk.” Agatha said with a grin. “So it’s been awhile boys, how are you?” She said.

“Good.” Noak said.

“Haven't been out much” Silas added.

“Well it's good to see you back. What can I get for you?” She said, pulling a notepad from her apron.

“Meat pie with a side of chips.” Silas said. “And an orange Fanta, please.” He added.

Agatha nodded and turned her attention to Noak.

“I will have the same but I would like a Coke instead.” Noak said with a smile.

“You got it boys. I'll get the order in and bring you the drinks.” She said and knocked the end of the table.

It was clear her usual sit and chat method of service was put on hold to deal with the busy setting. Silas settled against Noak again and closed his eyes, sighing quietly. He took the larger man's hand and laced their fingers. Their hands rested against Noak’s thigh. They sat in a comfortable silence, waiting for their drinks. Agatha returned quickly and placed the drinks down in front of the guys. She also put down a complimentary bread basket, with extra soft rolls, knowing those were Silas’s favorite.

“Where have all dese people come from?” Noak inquired. “We've been home a few days but not long enough for a population spike.” He joked.

“One of them touring buses broke down half a kilometer outside town.” She explained.

“Ah.” Noak said with a nod.

Silas grabbed a roll and watched as Agatha walked back to the kitchen. He bit into the roll before deciding he wanted butter. He sat quietly and tore the roll apart to spread the butter onto it. He thought the broken down tour bus made a lot of sense. It was too small a town to have this many people inside the local pub. Silas reached for his Fanta and drank half of it rather quickly. Noak reached for a roll and ate it in a few big bites. He was really hungry.

“It's cold in here.” Silas said.

“Why don’t you put your coat back on?” Noak asked.

“I'd rather sit here and complain.” Silas said truthfully.

Noak laughed at the statement.

“Of course you would.” He said, squeezing his boyfriend's hand.

Silas was very quiet and sat staring off at all the people inside the pub. Inside his mind was loud. He thought that maybe going out for the night wasn’t the best of ideas.

_ Stupid idea you loser.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Silas they are all looking at you.] You stupid sod. _

“Can I ask you something?” Silas whispered, sitting up and turning his body to face the taller man.

“Ja.” Noak replied and reached for his soda.

“Do you really believe me?” Silas asked quietly. “Or are you just saying it to stop me from being upset?” He added.

Noak sipped his drink and put it back down on the table. He was very quiet and gave himself the time to really think about what he wanted to say.

“I believe you Silas. I don’t know why but I do. Everyding dat I know, which is dere is no evidence dat Luci is real, is telling me not to. I do Sweetheart. I honestly believe you.” Noak said.

Silas nodded. He closed his eyes and looked down at the table. It took everything he had not to start crying. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to cry but he did. His chest felt tight.

_ You’re a no good worthless piece of shit.  _

“Silas.” Noak whispered and reached to put his hand on the smaller man’s shoulder.

_ [They are all staring at you. They know you’re crazy.] _

Silas tensed at the touch but looked up at Noak. He hummed in response to his name and relaxed again.

“Dis afternoon, when you were on deh phone wid Andrea I found deh garden door was open. I dismissed it as deh wind but deh more I dink about it, deh more I realize dat it wasn’t strong enough.” Noak said, speaking to Silas but looking at his drink. “I need to know if you opened it.” He whispered.

Silas shook his head. His immediate thought was that Luci got in. It made sense to him, it wasn’t deadbolted like the front door was and Luci was good with picking locks.

“I didn’t go into the kitchen, not since breakfast.” Silas replied. “Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?” He asked.

Noak looked up and at turned his face to his boyfriend. He could see in Silas’s eyes that he wasn’t lying. None of it made sense to him. He sighed and reached for a second roll.

“I didn’t dink it was important at deh time Silas.” Noak said.

“A door into my house just happens to be open and you don’t think it’s important?” Silas said. “Do you think it was Luci?” He asked.

“I don’t know what I dink.” Noak replied. “Someding else has been bodering me too.” He said.

“What?” Silas asked.

“Were you drunk Saturday night?” Noak asked.

Silas sat up straight and moved away from Noak. He didn’t get up from his seat but put a space between them.

“No!” Silas said loudly. “Why would you ask me that?” He asked, speaking softer.

“Dere was a broken bottle of gin in deh kitchen when I cleaned up in dere.” Noak said, holding his soda and looking across at Silas.

“Luci brought it over.” Silas said quickly. “I told her I didn’t want to drink that I don’t drink, Noak. You know that I don't.” He said, hurt that his boyfriend would even think he would do such a thing.

“Okay.” Noak said, unsure what to think. “You know you can tell me if you did. I won't dink any less of you.” He said and felt bad after the words came out.

“I said no more lies. I'm telling you the truth. The bottle belonged to Luci, not me.” Silas said, annoyed.

“I believe you.” Noak said, looking at his boyfriend with a tilted head.

“Sure.” Silas sighed, thankful he spotted Agatha approaching with their food.

The two ate quietly, Silas mostly picking as his appetite had been lost. He cleared his plate of the chips and finished his soda. He decided he would ask for the pie to go, he just wanted to go to bed. Noak finished his food and paid for them both. He was quiet, like Silas was, and they went out to the car without speaking to one another.

When Noak pulled into the driveway he shifted into park but kept his keys in the ignition. He turned to his boyfriend.

“Do you want me to stay tonight?” Noak asked.

“I want you to do what you want to do.” Silas replied, looking out the windshield at his garage door.

Noak didn't respond. He turned the car off and pulled his keys out. He looked at Silas again. He sighed.

“I'm sorry Sweetheart.” He said quietly.

“Sure you are.” Silas muttered and got out of the car.

Noak got out and followed Silas inside.


	23. Chapter 23

A week later.

Noak had more than half of his stuff moved into the house and things within Silas’s mind had calmed to an almost normal for him. The headaches had stopped completely and the voices were mostly manageable. He'd only had two mini episodes in the seven days. 

The adjustment to someone living in the house with him was easier than Silas had anticipated. He enjoyed having Noak around and they started to build a new routine around their shared life. They spent more time together than apart, but sometimes Silas snuck off to sit in his little room at the end of the hall. Noak never went in there, knowing Silas used the office as a safe space and a place to be alone. They complimented one another, falling into co-living quite well. They were very different but it was a compatible different and both looked forward to what the new arrangement would bring.

Noak took Silas food shopping and the two filled up a trolley and a half of things to eat and a few cleaning supplies that Silas had been running low on. During the days, Silas kept himself busy with cooking. He cooked more than enough for the two but Noak suggested freezing some portions, so they'd have something to eat on days when Silas couldn't handle meal preparation. Silas liked the idea and also wanted to get a head start on the habit of cooking again. With his boyfriend around, he had a reason to cook and a built in reminder to eat. Cooking was something Silas enjoyed; it had always been a good form of distraction for him. He even toyed with the idea of teaching Noak to cook more than just a fried egg or toaster waffle.

The largest adjustment Silas faced hadn’t come from the move at all. Silas was finding it just a bit difficult that he still hadn’t heard from Anna or Evan about whether or not he’d be able to start working again. He started having his doubts about returning to the office. He'd worked himself into a mini breakdown, scared he'd lose the house. Noak calmed him down and promised that would never happen.

Noak had also been out of work, spending his time with his boyfriend and helping him get well again. He decided that he’d start work the following week, giving him the time to spend with Silas and finish moving his things from the flat and into the house. Leaving the flat was fairly easy, giving John enough money to cover the rent until a new flatmate could take his place. Noak liked that, a no hassle move.

Silas's previous night had been calm, the first in many days he’d slept without a tranquilizer. Noak too, slept calmly as he was more at ease now that Silas was leveling out. Silas woke a few times but was able to fall asleep quickly again, curling up with his boyfriend. He’d woken up tired that morning but not enough to stay in bed.

Noak had made breakfast and they spent an hour cuddling on the sofa. The telly was on but they only paid attention to one another. Silas started to feel groggy and he wound up falling asleep in Noak's lap.

Silas woke up and was momentarily confused why he was on the sofa. The entire morning had been wiped from his mind. Slowly, he started to recall what had happened and thankfully avoided freaking himself out. He remembered he had been sitting with Noak before he fell asleep. He was alone when he woke up and he wondered where the taller man had run off to. He decided it wasn’t worth the effort to go looking so he just let himself doze off again. 

Silas napped a long time. He was out for two hours when he woke again. He was woken from his nap at the sound of a loud knocking on the front door.

“Noak. Someone is at the door.” Silas mumbled sleepily, but loud enough Noak could hear him from the other rooms.

There was no reply and the knocking sounded again. Silas rubbed at his eyes and stretched his body against the sofa.

“Noak?” Silas called out, sitting up.

Again there was no reply. Silas thought maybe it was Noak and he'd forgotten his key. He got up and walked out of the living room. He glanced towards the kitchen. The door was open but it didn’t look like Noak was inside. He turned and headed to the front door. It was locked but not deadbolted. He opened the door but there wasn’t anyone standing on the other side.

_ You’re crazy.  _ ‘I know I heard knocking.’  _ You’re losing it. [It's gone.] _

Silas leaned out the front door and saw that Noak’s car wasn’t in the driveway. He didn’t remember his boyfriend saying he was going out; he probably just went once he fell asleep. Shrugging he stepped back in and went to close the door. A sudden hand on the wood stopped him and he found himself staring into the face of Luci.

“Wondered when you’d let me in.” She said, pushing the door wide and stepping inside. "I've been out here an hour. You locked all you windows. It stopped me from surprising you. Trust me, I hated having to knock. It's less fun that way."

“Where the hell did you come from?” Silas asked. “What the fuck are you doing here?” He snapped.

“Came by to see how my favourite boy is.” Luci answered and closed the door behind her. “You were so angry when I stopped by last. You owe me a bottle of gin by the way, the one you broken wasn't cheap."

"I owe you shit." Silas said.

"Fine, I'll let it go. So tell me, how are you Silas?” She asked, faking kindness.

She looked at him and smiled wide. She was dressed in a pair of ripped skinny jeans and an ill fitting jumper. She had on a pair of skull and crossbone socks but, as usual, had no shoes on her feet. She stepped around Silas and stood between him and the kitchen door. She waited for Silas to answer her question. When he didn’t, she continued to talk.

“So are we alone? Is that silly boy of yours around? I was hoping to show up when he left. It’d get messy if he was here. I mean I just don’t like him and that would get awkward real fast.” She said, speaking much too quickly for Silas to keep up.

Silas hadn’t said a word. He pulled the front door back open and pointed to it.

“Out!” He shouted.

Luci huffed a sigh and didn’t budge from her spot.

“Luci I mean it, get the fuck out of my house and I don’t ever want to see you again.” He said, arm still pointing out the door and the other hand set firmly on his hip.

“Silas, Babe, please shut up.” Luci said with an eye roll. “When will you get it through your thick skull that I am not going anywhere? Not permanently anyway.” She asked.

"I don't want you here." He said, feeling his head start to spin.

"But I want to be here. I need you Silas." She said and stepped backwards a step closer to the kitchen.

“No. Get out of here.” Silas said. “Now!” He added.

Luci laughed. She turned and walked further into the house. She went right into the kitchen and started poking around the cabinets. Silas felt the anger rising and he stormed into the kitchen after her. He left the door wide open.

“I am going to call the police. This is your last chance to get the fuck out of here Luci. I’ll do it, don’t test me.” He said.

Luci started to pull dishes from the shelves and dropped them on the floor. She kept her back to Silas. The rage built inside Silas as every dish hit the floor and broke.

“Enough!” Silas yelled at her.

Luci turned slowly and looked Silas in the eye as she dropped yet another plate that shattered when it hit the floor.

“Go on then, call the police. I dare you. They’ll just say the same thing they told you last time. You’re crazy.” She said, pouting her lips and keeping her gaze on his face.

“Fuck you.” Silas said, nostrils flaring. “I’m not crazy.” He whispered.

**Crazy.**

Silas turned and walked out of the kitchen. His hands were tightly fisted and he could feel his heart was racing. He headed to his bedroom to get his mobile. He had every intent on following through. He was done with her bullshit.

‘I’m not crazy.’  _ But you are. _ ‘No I’m not. She’s real. This is happening.’  _ [Crazy, crazy Silas.] _

Silas could hear the continuing sounds of breaking pottery and glassware. His headache spread and started to beat behind his right eye. He took a deep breath and walked around the bed to get to his night table. He pulled his mobile from the charger and hurried back to the kitchen.

Luci was sitting on the counter reaching back and taking food items from the next grouping of cabinets and flinging them around the kitchen.

“Get out now!” Silas screamed.

Luci laughed and flung a tin of rolled oats at his head. It hit him just above the right eye before it fell to the floor with a loud clunk. Silas reached up to touch the spot it hit and his skin felt wet. The hit was hard enough it split the skin under his eyebrow and he was bleeding. He was bleeding quite a lot.

“Fuck!” Silas shouted and threw his phone towards the woman before collapsing in the floor, shaking in pain.

_ You deserved that. [Silas should always suffer.] _

Luci started laughing harder and jumped down from the counter. She reached into the sink and picked up the phone that Silas had tried to throw at her.

“Missed me.” Luci said and dropped the phone into his hand. “And now you’ve really pissed me off Silas. We’re not done.” She said darkly.

Silas was crying at the pain and struggled to get the mobile right in his hand. Once he did he dialed for the police. He knew that Luci would be gone by the time they arrived but he had to try. Now that Noak was living there as well, he couldn’t have her dropping by. He was done with her. Totally done.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

There were two police patrol cars in the driveway when Noak returned home. He parked to the side and rushed into the house. He could see an officer standing in the kitchen, surrounded by a mess of broken dishes. He stepped into the room and saw Silas sitting at the table, a bloody tea towel pressed against his eye. There was a second, female officer sitting across from his boyfriend.

“What happened?” Noak asked.

“Luci came back.” Silas answered. “Where were you?” He asked, panic in his tone.

_ He left. He hates you Silas. _

“I went to deh flat to get almost deh last of my dings.” Noak replied and went to his boyfriend’s side. “Are you okay?” He asked, touching him on the shoulder.

_ [Silas is never okay.]  _ **Worthless.** _ [He's so damaged.] _

Silas shook his head no. He'd stopped crying a few minutes earlier but the tears started up again. Noak started to rub his back in a soothing fashion. Silas leaned into his boyfriend and let the tears fall.

“Can you tell us exactly what happened here?” The seated officer said.

**Worthless.** _I can't believe you called them._ **Liar.** _[They won't believe him. No one does.] You're useless, a piece of shit._

Silas nodded and sniffled quietly. He looked up at Noak with his uncovered eye and back to the officer sitting across from him.

“I was asleep on the sofa and woke up when I heard knocking on the front door. I called out for Noak to answer it. I didn't know he'd gone out.” Silas started.

The officer nodded and wrote down what Silas was saying.

_ You are no good. _ **Worthless.** _ [They won't believe him.] _

“I got up to answer the door but no one was there. I thought for sure I imagined it but then Luci popped up and pushed her way inside.” Silas continued. “I told her to get out but she didn’t listen. She just started to trash the place.” He said quietly.

“And who is Luci?” She asked. “Is she an ex?”

“No. Not an ex. We, didn't. I never dated her. No way. She's this woman I know from London. Well, I met her in London a few years back. I don't know where she's from.” Silas explained. “I don't know how she found me here.” He cried.

**Liar.**

“Do you know her surname?” She asked.

“N-no. I don't.” Silas whispered.

_ Crazy little shit. _

The officer nodded.

“Now, you said she came back. She's done this before?” The officer said.

“She's been here before. She shows up unannounced. She's never done this.” Silas answered quietly, gesturing towards the mess she’d made.

The officer looked up at Noak.

“Have you been here when Luci comes by? Do you know her?” She asked.

“I don’t know her, only of her. I've never seen her but Silas says she was here a few days ago. It was dree in deh morning and I was in bed. She was gone before I got up.” Noak replied.

“I see. Have you made any other reports?” The officer said, looking at Silas once more.

“No.” Silas answered.

“Alright.” The officer said. “Can you give us a description? We can maybe work something out with that since we don’t have a full name to work with.” She added.

Silas nodded his head and started chewing on his bottom lip. He looked to Noak again, trying to read if he believed him or not. His head was starting to pound worse but if it was the hit to the face or the start of a migraine, he didn’t know.

“She’s maybe a meter and a half tall with black hair. It's probably shoulder length. She’s very thin, maybe 40kg, I don’t know. She has grey eyes and very pale skin. Her face is long. Um, she’s missing a lot of teeth, not the ones up front, like the ones along the side. You notice it when she smiles or when she is talking.” Silas said. “She hardly ever has shoes on. I know, that’s weird but it’s something I've noticed.” He thought to add.

The officer wrote everything down and nodded their head.

“Okay. Well, I am going to go out to my car and write out the official report. Are you sure you don’t want us to call for medical?” They said.

“I’m fine.” Silas said and lowered the tea towel.

The cut had stopped heavily bleeding but the surrounding area was bruising a deep purple colour. He reached his hand up and pressed gently against it and the pain was searing and instantaneous. He winced and pulled his hand away.

“I’ll be fine. I should put ice on it and be okay.” Silas whispered.

“Okay. We'll be right back.” The other officer said.

The sitting officer got up from the table and joined the other before they both walked out. Silas stayed put and Noak finally sat down next to him. He looked at Silas.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here Sweetheart.” Noak whispered. "You're sure you're okay? Dat looks bad." He added, gently touching the area around the cut.

Silas nodded his head but didn’t look at Noak. He reached up and wiped away his tears.

“Do you believe me?” He whispered, looking down at the table top.

“Ja.” Noak whispered. “I do.”

Silas nodded slowly and got up turned to look at his boyfriend.

"Really?" He whispered.

"Ja." Noak said and took Silas's hands in his own. "Really."

"I need to use the toilet." Silas said and when Noak nodded, he let go of his hands and left the kitchen.

Noak looked around at the mess and wondered if he should wait to clean it or not. His tendency to be neat was itching to get a start on it but he waited. The cops might have needed to look it over for their report.

Silas shut himself into the bathroom and stood at the mirror. He reached up and touched the mark over his eye and whimpered in pain. It looked and felt terrible, swollen and the skin split open.

_Ugly piece of shit. [He deserved what he got.]_ **Worthless.** _Yeah Silas, you deserved this. [He's disgusting.]_

“Maybe I did deserve this.” He whispered, touching the cut again, poking at it until it started to bleed again.

_ You did, stupid. [He does nothing but make mistakes.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You're no good Silas. Never any good. _

A knock on the door caused him to turn and look at it.

_ Ignore it. _

“I need a minute.” He said, voice choked up.

“Alright Sweetheart, one of deh officers is back inside to ask you a few more dings.” Noak said through the door.

“I said I need a minute.” Silas snapped, for no real reason. He sighed then quickly apologized.

“Take your time.” Noak said. “We will be in deh kitchen.”

Silas used the toilet quickly and washed his hands before returning to the kitchen. He found Noak and the female officer sitting at the table. He was lost in his head again and slowly walked through the mess and took a seat.

“You're bleeding again.” Noak whispered and picked up the discarded tea towel and pressed it to Silas's eye.

Silas said nothing but didn't try and stop Noak from helping him.

“You really should go to hospital to get that looked at Silas.” The officer said. “You might need stitches.”

“I'm not going to hospital.” Silas snapped. He was adamant about that.

His snap surprised the officer, as the man had been soft spoken until that point. She took no offense, as the situation certainly put Silas through quite a bit.

“So, what can be done about dis all?” Noak asked, since Silas seemed to keep quiet for too long.

“We're going to file the incident report my partner is finishing up in the car.” The officer replied. “I'm here to ask Silas if he'd like to take any further actions. I suggest a filing for a restraining order.”

“Further actions won't help.” Silas said. “Luci will ignore a restraining order.”

He didn't look up when he said it. He was staring down at the table top and trying to regulate his breathing. He knew he had to stay put but he wanted to run away. He wanted to lock himself in the office or the bedroom and shut everything out. He wanted to be alone, feeling himself slipping into a darker place once more.

_ You should run you little shit. [He should stay. He got himself into this mess.]  _ **Worthless.** _ [He needs to suffer the consequences.] Silas, you deserve to suffer. _

“Why do you think they won't they help?” The officer asked. Her tone was calming and level. “We found nothing on record so we know you haven't tried. Do you want to try?”

“I don't.” Silas whispered. “She doesn't stop. She won't stop.”

“Silas, maybe dis nice officer is right.” Noak said, putting his other arm around his boyfriend. “Maybe you should try someding.”

“No.” Silas said and started crying. “Luci won't follow the law. She's, she's above it. She'll laugh in our faces.”

“Silas, no one is above the law.” The officer said. “Please, take my advice. Take Noak's advice. File for the restraining order.”

“It won't help.” Silas said, finally looking up. “Believe me. It won't work.”

“Silas.” Noak whispered, squeezing his shoulder softly.

Silas shrugged Noak away and looked back down at the table top. He could feel the adrenaline wear off and the throbbing pain where Luci had hit him with the tin was becoming excruciating.

“Fine. Fine, I'll do it but only to prove you both wrong.” Silas said. “She'll come back. Luci will always come back.”

“Don't do dis to prove us wrong, Sweetheart. Do dis to protect yourself.” Noak whispered.

“Fine. Okay.” Silas sighed. “What do I have to do?”

“I have the forms right here.” The officer said and pulled a folder up from her lap.

She opened it and pulled a few sheets out, turning them to face Silas. She pulled a pen from her breast pocket and handed it over.

_ Stupid boy.  _ **Worthless.** _ You're wasting your time. [He's wasting everyone's time.] You're such a little shit.  _ **Worthless.**

Silas went through with filling out the needed forms and before he was done the second officer returned with the incident report to sign. When it was all said and done, Silas locked himself in his office. He didn't speak to Noak and didn't answer the knocks on his door when the taller man tried calling on him for dinner.

He sat alone with his voices, wondering what he'd done. He already didn't like Luci. He already knew the shit she was capable of. He added a stronger fear of her to his mindset. He knew the woman wouldn't obey the law but he felt paranoid that she'd hurt him again, knowing he took the steps to stop her once and for all.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Later that night, Silas emerged from the locked room. The house was quiet and dark. The time was after midnight, late, but he'd expected to find Noak waiting for him. That wasn't the case.

A quick stop in the toilet to use it and take his nightly meditation was followed with a trip to the kitchen for some water. The room was clean, Noak must have done so while he was taking time to himself to try and sort out what was going on in his life. He never asked Noak to clean up the mess Luci had made but he was thankful for it. Silas thought he might want some tea but decided against it. He just wanted to get into bed. He was exhausted.

Noak was in bed when Silas came into the bedroom. He was dressed in warm pajamas, sleeping on top of the covers. His head was resting between their two pillows and he was snoring quietly. Silas had no idea how long ago the man went to sleep.

_ He's only here out of convenience, Silas. He'll leave you in the morning. [They all leave Silas. He's crazy.] _

“I'm not crazy!” Silas shouted, loud enough to wake his sleeping boyfriend. “Shit. I'm sorry. I should just go back-” He started when he noticed Noak was awake and looking at him.

The taller man cut him off. “Don't go anywhere Silas, just come to bed.” He said and held out his hand to the smaller man.

Noak yawned and gave his arms a stretch towards the ceiling.

“You're not angry with me?” Silas whispered and made no move to climb into the bed.

“Angry?” Noak asked. “What for?”

He shifted over and turned on the light to better see Silas, who was standing right in front of his night table. He noticed that his eye was surrounded in dried blood. It looked as if the cut finally scabbed but hadn't been cleaned properly.

“I don't know.” Silas whispered, shrugging. “Everything?”

“Silas, you have noding to be sorry for.” Noak said and climbed out of bed. “I have no reason to be angry wid you. I'm not angry wid you.”

He walked around to where Silas was standing and he tentatively reached out to him. When Silas made no move to shrink away or step back, Noak touched his face.

“You should really clean dat before it gets infected.” He whispered.

Silas nodded. “I guess.” He whispered.

_Let it get infected. You don't deserve to fix your problems._ **Worthless.** _You're shit, Silas. Worthless shit._

“Would you like me to help?” Noak asked.

“I guess.” Silas whispered again.

“Do you say anyding oder dan I guess?” Noak teased lightly.

Silas laughed, a single huff of air through his nose. “Yes.” He said.

“Alright Sweetheart. Let's get you cleaned up and den we can get some sleep.” The taller man said, leading the way out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.

He clicked on the light and started to get a few of the first aid items from a drawer and set them out on the counter. Silas moved into the room after him and immediately leaned against the counter with his back to the mirror.

_ Can't even look at yourself, can you, you freak? [He's ugly.] Why ask for help? [Noak will just leave him. There's only so much energy one can waste on pity.] _ ‘It's not pity. He loves me.’ _ Yeah, okay loser. [Noak will leave, just like the rest of them.] _ ‘No he won't.’  _ You're crazy.  _ ‘No I'm not.’  _ So fucking crazy. [Silas is crazy.] _

“No I'm not!” Silas shouted.

“Hey.” Noak said calmly, petting the side of his boyfriend's face. “Are dey bodering you again, deh voices?” He asked.

“Yes.” Silas whispered.

He looked up into Noak's eyes. He didn't see pity or annoyance. He saw love and understanding. He didn't get it. He started shaking his head. He believed he didn't deserve either.

_ Worthless Silas, you're no good.  _ **Worthless.** _ Tell him to leave you, you're better off alone.  _ **Crazy.** _ [If he asks him to leave it will save the heartache of Noak leaving on his own.] You deserve to be left alone.  _ **Crazy. Worthless.**

“They're right, you know.” Silas said, biting his lip as it started to tremble. “I'm… maybe I am crazy and you'll just leave me. Everyone leaves me.” He sobbed.

“Silas, no. Dere wrong.” Noak said and hugged his boyfriend, rubbing up and down his back. “I'm not going to leave you. You're not crazy. Don't listen to dem.”

“You will.” Silas sobbed into the bigger man's chest. “They all leave me.”

Noak stepped back and put his hands on Silas's shoulders. He squeezed them gently.

“I will never dink you're crazy, Silas.” He began. “And I have no intention of ever walking out on you.”

“Maybe not now, but you will.” Silas said, looking at Noak through welled up tears.

“What has you so upset about dis Silas?” Noak asked, running his fingers through his boyfriend's shaggy hair. “Is dis all because of Luci?”

Silas got quiet but nodded. “Can, um, can I tell you something I never told anyone else?” He asked after a long pause, sniffling.

“Anyding Sweetheart. You know dat.” Noak said.

“The reason why Luci can't be stopped is because I don't believe she's human.” Silas whispered.

Noak looked at Silas. He had no idea how to respond to that. What did Silas mean she wasn't human? What was she? Silas took his not responding as a negative.

“You think I'm crazy.” He whispered, heart breaking.

“Silas, no. I don't.” Noak said, running options of what to say in his mind. “What, if not human, do you dink she is?” He asked.

Silas reached up and wiped his eyes free from his tears. He winced as his right was still very much swollen from the minor injury.

“She came to me first, after I left the church.” Silas whispered, licking his lips and studying Noak's face as if to decipher his thoughts. “I'd just come out of a… out of a bad relationship that was full of excess and vice. I think she's the Devil, and she's here to punish me for my sins.”

Again, Noak had no idea how to respond to what Silas had just said. Noak didn't believe in the Devil, not really anyway. He believed in evil but an entity existing as its manifestation, he did not. He felt his heart clench. For the first time, he found it very hard to believe Silas.

Noak knew of his boyfriend's strict Catholic upbringing. He knew of the guilt the smaller man often felt. Noak understood that Silas's mind was not always thinking logically and he knew that often, schizophrenic delusions could have religious overtones. In that moment, he strongly believed that Luci was in fact a hallucination of his boyfriend's troubled mind. He didn't think Silas a liar, not at all. He believed that Luci was very real to the small man, and that she was a very big part of his world. But he found it incredibly difficult to believe that she truly existed in the real world. He didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to upset Silas any further than he already was after the day he'd gone through.

However, Noak also thought, that just maybe, Luci could be real, but Silas's belief that she was the Devil had just been in his mind. He took a deep breath.

“Silas-” He started.

“You think she's not real. You think I'm crazy.” Silas said, getting choked up again.

“No Silas. I wasn't going to say any of dat.” Noak replied. “I dink dat maybe we should just get you cleaned up and to bed. I dink you had a long and stressful day and maybe you need to get some sleep.”

“Which means you think I'm crazy and you don't want to say it to my face.” Silas snapped.

“Not true.” Noak said and reached for a cotton ball to start work cleaning up the dried blood on Silas's face.

“It is true.” Silas said, keeping still so Noak could tend to the wound. “You want me to go to sleep so you can sneak off and leave me. You do think I'm crazy. Just fucking admit it.”

“Silas.” Noak snapped. He hadn't meant to.

The shorter man tensed at the raised voice.

“I am sorry I yelled.” Noak whispered, dabbing at the cut, wiping the mess away. “Now, for deh last time tonight, I do not dink you're crazy. I will not leave you while you sleep. I will not leave you at all.” Noak said, much more calmly.

“Do you believe me though?” Silas asked, hissing as the soap got into the cut.

“I believe you when you tell me dat Luci is real.” Noak said and he decided that it was true. He did believe that. “I just don't see her being deh Devil, Silas. I don't believe in deh Devil. I don't believe in a god. I dink dat Luci is a troubled woman who just needs to leave you alone.”

“Do you mean that?” Silas whispered. “You believe that she's real?”

“Ja, I believe dat.” Noak answered.

He stepped away to get better lighting on Silas's face.

Noak was pleased with his clean up efforts and covered the cut with a medium sized plaster.

“And you promise not to leave me tonight?” Silas asked in a whisper.

“I promise. I won't leave you Sweetheart.” Noak replied and pressed a kiss to Silas's nose.


	24. Chapter 24

"I know that I should have been out in the kitchen. I understand that but I don't think you understand that I can't do it. Not now. Not today." Silas said.

He was sitting on the futon in his spare room. It was dark outside and the only light in the room came from the old computer in the corner. The screen was dim but cast a blueish grey glow through half the space. Silas had been locked in there for most of the day. He felt safe there. Noak was at work, as the taller man returned to the office that Monday. It was Friday.

Silas was staring at a shadow in the opposite corner of the room. It had no face and simply left the small man alone, content to hover and drift from one corner to the next. It stayed in Silas's line of vision but made no move to be close to him. Silas liked when they left him alone.

"It's because of you that I'm stuck in here. I should have started dinner an hour ago. Noak is on his way home and I'm sure he's probably hungry. Fuck! How could I do this? I'm lazy. I'm a worthless piece of shit. He'll be so angry with me for not doing anything." Silas continued. The thought had no basis in truth. His worry and paranoia had been high the last two days.

"Of course you're not going to say anything about it. You never do. Not that you're sorry or oops my mistake. You never have anything to say. You just stay in your corner and do whatever it is you do."

Silas pushed himself up and took a step closer to the door, getting closer to the shadow than he'd been all day. It floated up but stayed in the same position, between the corner and the door.

"What do you do?" Silas asked it. "Do you spy on me? I bet that's what you need to do. She sent you to keep an eye on me. Well, you don't have an eye, sometimes you do. You're still watching me, for her."

The shadow drifted closer and stopped when Silas sort of scowled at it.

"That's right. You don't come any closer to me. I know what you are now. I figured you out." He said, sounding so sure of himself.

The shadow suddenly filled twice the space, blocking the door. It still had no face, no telling features but Silas was overwhelmed with the sense it was judging him, reacting to what he had said to it.

"You can't keep me here all day." Silas said, pointing his finger at the shapeless form. "Move." He snapped at it.

The shadow remained still, not really staring back at the man.

"I said move!" Silas shouted and the shadow seemed to listen. It drifted upwards and spread out across the ceiling, just staying there like a looming storm cloud.

Silas reached for the back of the door, sliding open the series of chain locks and deadbolts that kept the room secure. It took him a while, as his hands were shaking an unmanageable amount. When the last lock was opened he set his hand on the doorknob.

"Don't you follow me." He whispered, not looking up but feeling the shadow's presence above him. "I'm going out on my own."

He opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. The house was stifling warm. The heat worked very well, now that Noak had offered to pay the bill for fuel to run the furnace. Silas could hear the bang and clank of the pipes, the low moan and hiss of the radiator. It sounded all too loud in the absence of his voices. They'd kept quiet most of the day, something he was thankful for.

He stopped in the toilet to take his meds. He was too early for the nightly dose but he'd been three hours late on his afternoon one. He hadn't meant to wait so long, it simply slipped his mind. He popped the pill into his mouth and swallowed it dry. He decided then that he wanted some tea.

A sound from the front hall startled him and he slammed the medicine cabinet closed. He exited the room and slowly made his way towards the foyer. He was careful in his movements, poised to fight if he had to.

"I told you I am to be out here alone." He said rather loudly, closing in on the end of the hall. "I don't want you here." He said.

"Silas?" The voice belonged to Noak.

He just arrived home from work. The sound Silas had heard was his boyfriend coming through the front door.

"Shit Noak." Silas sighed, stepping into view. "You scared the shit out of me."

Noak set his messenger bag onto the floor and slipped out of his heavy winter coat. He turned to the shorter man as he hung the coat on the hook. His cheeks were bright red, a sure sign of the freezing temperatures outside. It was to be expected as the approach of winter drew near. It was halfway through December.

"I'm sorry Sweetheart. Dat was not my intention." The taller man said and walked over to where Silas was standing. "Are you feeling okay?" He asked.

Silas shook his head no. He wasn't feeling terrible but he wasn't great either. He looked up at Noak and didn't say anything.

"Did Anna call yet?" Noak asked.

Again Silas shook his head no. He was beginning to truly believe that his time working for the paper was over. If anything were to happen, surely he'd have heard something by now.

"I messed up today." Silas whispered, looking as if he were going to start crying.

Noak looked at him, frown on his lips and concern in his eyes.

"Messed up how, Sweetheart?" He whispered. "Are you hurt?"

"I'm not hurt." Silas said, looking into his boyfriend's eyes. He broke the gaze and looked down at the floor. "I, I didn't make anything for dinner. I'm sorry if you're angry at me and really I deserve it."

Noak reached out and touched his boyfriend's cheek. "Now why would I be angry at that?" He asked quietly. He dropped his hand to the man's shoulder.

Silas didn't know. Noak hardly ever got mad at him and certainly he wasn't the type that would get upset over not having dinner ready. It was all just Silas's mind messing with him. He was paranoid, needlessly fearful of upsetting his boyfriend when there was absolutely nothing to be upset over.

"You wouldn't be." Silas whispered, still looking at the ground. He knew on some level that his worry was unfounded but it still lingered at the forefront of his troubled mind.

"I'm not angry nor am I upset." Noak said softly. "Would you like to order someding in? Or I can help you wid cooking someding if you want to do dat."

"You'll help me?" Silas asked, finally looking up into the other man's eyes. The gaze didn't last, as Silas followed the movement of another shadow, slinking from the front door to the closed door of the living room. It vanished as soon as it arrived.

"Ja Sweetheart." Noak said softly. He was used to Silas's tendency to avoid eye contact so the fact that Silas appeared dazed and focused on something else didn't faze him in the least. "Did you have anyding planned for tonight?" He asked.

"No." Silas whispered. He looked up at Noak's face. "There's lamb in the fridge. We should probably use that before it goes off."

"Dat sounds like a good idea." Noak said and gave a squeeze to Silas's shoulder. "We can start dat now if you're ready."

"Alright." The smaller man sighed. "I suppose I'm ready."

The two moved into the kitchen and Noak went to the refrigerator. He pulled open the door and took out a small lamb roast that was wrapped in cling film. He set it down on the counter and looked back into the refrigerator, checking if there was anything they could make with it. His mind was set on a side of potatoes but thought maybe a vegetable as well.

Silas had sort of stood there a moment, watching his boyfriend. Once Noak set a container of leftover spinach on the counter next to the roast, Silas stepped forward.

"I should probably cut the lamb into smaller pieces. The roast will take much too long to cook as it is." He said and settled against the counter.

He reached over and pulled open the drawer with his cooking utensils. He took out a large knife and also a vegetable peeler. He set both on the counter and turned to Noak.

"Do you mind peeling the potatoes and getting them into a pot with cold water?" He said.

"I can do dat." Noak said with a soft smile.

The taller man moved around Silas and bent down to pull a stock pot from the cabinet under the sink. He started to fill it with cold water from the tap and Silas grinded some salt into it. Next, Noak moved to grab a few potatoes from the wooden bin at the bottom of the pantry. By the time he was done the pot was full and he lifted it from the sink and set it down on one of the back burners on the stove.

Noak peeled and quartered the potatoes while Silas worked to cut the roast into more manageable, quick cooking pieces. He tossed them into a frying pan with some oil and butter. He showed Noak how to season them. When they cooked down, crisped up and released enough fat and juices, he scooped them from the pan and spread them on a baking sheet to finish cooking. Noak drained and mashed the potatoes while Silas stuck the spinach in the microwave with some butter, lemon juice and seasonings. Silas explained to Noak how to turn the bits in the pan into a gravy, watching as the taller man did the work.

The pair worked alongside one another, preparing their dinner of smashed potatoes, lamb cubes with gravy and lemon spinach. Silas felt his head on straight for the first time that day and Noak picked up a few more skills to use in the kitchen. It was all in all a pleasant half hour and they both benefited greatly from the end result. A delicious dinner they shared sitting next to one another at the kitchen table.

"I ate too much." Silas whispered, and he had cleared his plate twice that evening.

"It was really good dough." Noak said. "So good I cannot believe I helped." He added with a laugh.

"You're a good cook, my love." Silas sighed, leaning his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. "I believe everyone is if they take the time to learn."

"Well, den I will keep learning." Noak said with an amused smile. "You're a patient and excellent teacher."

"I only seem to have patience with you." Silas said with a laugh, sitting up and looking at Noak. "Um, do you mind if I go lay down for a little while?"

"I don't mind dat at all Silas." The taller man said. "Why don't you go relax while I clean up in here."

"I can help clean." Silas whispered. "I just need a little bit. I ate too much to move."

"You can clean next time Sweetheart. I got dis." Noak said and kissed Silas on the cheek.

"Thanks Love." Silas said and stretched up to kiss his boyfriend's lips. "I'll go lay in the living room. Maybe we can watch a movie tonight?"

"Dat sounds like a wonderful idea. Now go lay down. I'll be in when I'm done wid all dis." Noak said and smiled at Silas.

They got up from the table and Silas made his way out of the kitchen. He stopped to wash his hands and went into the bedroom to change into a pair of warm pajamas. Noak started by putting away the small amount of leftovers and then began the task of washing the dishes. He set them in the rack to dry. He wiped down the counters and the table with a damp tea towel and went to join his boyfriend in the other room.

Silas was laying out on the sofa, arm tucked under his head. He was staring at the telly, which hadn't yet been turned on. He was breathing a bit deeply, still so full from his two plates of dinner. He was silently regretting eating so much.

Noak approached the sofa carefully, as not to frighten Silas who didn't seem to even notice the other man had come into the room. He stood about level with his middle and leaned over to look at his face. Noak smiled when Silas smiled at him.

"You feeling alright?" The taller man asked, reaching out to touch Silas on the top of the head.

"Yeah." Silas sighed. "I'm just still so full." He whined but the smile stayed on his lips.

"Well, you did eat more dan I expected you too Sweetheart." Noak said and moved to sit at the other end of the sofa. "It was surprising."

"Yeah, well, I forgot to eat anything today so I guess I was hungry." Silas said, pushing himself up and moving to rest his head in Noak's lap.

Noak immediately started to pet through Silas's hair, fingers snagging some knots but was gentle enough it didn't faze the smaller man. The action was like a natural thing for Noak the moment Silas would lay that way. He knew how much Silas liked his hair played with and Noak enjoyed doing it. It relaxed them both.

"I'm sorry dat you forgot to eat someding." Noak whispered, tucking a few strands back behind Silas's ear, petting over his temple with his thumb. "Would you like me to text you a reminder when I sit to take my lunch break?" He offered.

"You don't have to do that." Silas whispered, turning to nuzzle against Noak's belly pudge. He didn't want to inconvenience the other man. He should be able to take care of himself.

"I know I don't have to Sweetheart, but I don't mind doing it." Noak said, hand coming to settle loosely around the side of Silas's neck.

"Well, I'm not going to ask you to not text me." Silas said, rolling onto his back and looking up at his boyfriend. "I enjoy your texts, Love. Lately, they're all I have to look forward to." He sounded sad.

"I'm sure dat you will hear from Anna soon. Maybe you will hear directly from Evan. Don't give up hope." Noak said, going back to petting his boyfriend's hair.

"I have no hope on it left Noak." Silas whispered, closing his eyes and leaning into the gentle pets. "Anything I hear from here on out will just be a nice surprise. I don't believe I'll ever get that job back."

"Have you considered looking for anoder job?" Noak asked.

He didn't want to make Silas feel that he needed to work. Noak had money, quite a bit of it, even if he never flaunted it or spend it extravagantly. He could very easily support the two of them, but he didn't want to make Silas feel like he owed him anything for it. He just wanted Silas to be happy, comfortable with his life. He wanted to make sure Silas stayed healthy and if that meant he take more time away from a job, so be it.

"I have considered it, yes." Silas replied, opening his eyes and looking up at Noak, only seeing his chin from the angle he was laying in. "But I don't think I could handle the task of looking right now." He whispered, defeated.

"Take deh time you need." Noak said, looking down at Silas and smiled. "I told you, and I mean it. I can cover deh rent as long as you need me to."

"Do you offer that because you pity me?" Silas asked. "I don't want your charity."

It was a conversation that the couple had had on numerous occasions. And Noak was prepared to give the same reply he always did.

"I do not pity you, Silas. I love you. I want to take care of you." Noak said and touched the smaller man's cheek. "I wouldn't offer to do it if I knew I couldn't. I can and I will. I live here too and I will gladly pay the rent to Mrs. Baker, as well as cover any utilities we may need. We deserve to live happily and comfortably. You contribute when you can. I don't expect you to pay things when you can't."

Silas nodded and got all teary eyed. "I love you too, Cuddle-bear." He said and sniffled back the urge to cry some more.

"I know." Noak whispered and it made Silas giggle quietly. "So, did you have a movie in mind for tonight?" He asked.

Silas tilted his head to think. He hadn't a particular movie in mind but was sure he could come up with something. He licked over his lips and opened his mouth. It was a few seconds though, before he said anything.

"Did you want to watch  _ Star Wars _ again?" Silas asked, already knowing what his boyfriend's reply would be.

"Ja. Okay." Noak said and traced his thumb over Silas's jaw. "Which one?"

"I'll let you pick." Silas said and was smiling brightly.

" _ Deh Empire Strikes Back _ " Noak replied without missing a beat.

Silas laughed, a real genuine sound. "I knew you'd pick that one." He said, cheeks rounded from his big grin.

"But of course." Noak said and gave Silas a gentle nudge. "You have to move so I can go put it on."

Sighing dramatically, Silas sat himself up and let Noak get up from the sofa. He waited patiently until the DVD was set to play and Noak returned to his spot. The pair snuggled up and made sure they were comfortable and settled before Noak pressed play. They stayed there, quietly watching the movie, both such big fans of it, neither was distracted the entire time.

When the movie was over and the credits were rolling, Noak noticed that Silas had fallen asleep. The smaller man was leaning against him, head resting on the front of his shoulder, snoring quietly. Carefully, Noak reached for the remote control and shut off the DVD player and the television. He set the controller on the table at his side and just took some time to hold his sleeping boyfriend in his arms. He pressed a kiss to the top of his head and whispered that he loved him. Silas grumbled in his sleep and nuzzled closer, burying his face in the curve of Noak's neck.

After some time, Noak decided that it was time for the two of them to go to bed. He was careful to not wake Silas as he got up from the sofa. He made sure Silas was propped up on the back cushions and he unwrapped the throw blanket from around his shoulders. He took the time to fold it up and set it down on the empty seat next to his sleeping boyfriend. He then very gently picked Silas up into his arms and carried him out of the living room.

Once Noak had Silas tucked into bed, he started to undress himself and slipped into a pair of pajamas bottoms. He went out to use the toilet and on his way back, brought along Silas's nightly dose of medication and some water to take it with.

He felt bad about it but he woke up his boyfriend, using soft touches and calm words. Silas was groggy but took the pills without protest. He laid back down and fell right back into sleep. Noak climbed into bed on his side and settled down, spooning the smaller man. He closed his eyes and soon he too, fell asleep.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter contains self inflicted injuries.**

Sunday morning, Noak was up before dawn. He was quiet and careful not to wake his sleeping boyfriend, who had been up most of the night with nightmares. The only reason Silas managed any sleep was because Noak got up from the bed to fetch him a tranquilizer and brewed him a mug of sleep time green tea. The smaller man settled down after that and slept soundly, not even tossing and turning.

Noak got himself dressed, warm and comfortable. He'd been sticking to his habit of going for a morning run on Sundays. He was proud of himself sticking to it and was finding that some, though not much, of the weight he'd gained since moving to the UK was coming off. He didn't run to lose the weight though. He ran because it was something he enjoyed doing. Sometimes he invited Silas along but that morning he opted to let the man sleep; he needed to.

Noak left the house and headed down the driveway. He decided that while it was cold, it wasn't unbearable so he would follow his usual route. A slow jog into town, a swift run through town and he'd finish it up with a cool down walk through the empty field and small strip of forest.

By the time he reached the field, he stopped to take a drink of water from the bottle he'd carried with him. He checked his phone to see if he had matched or beaten his time. He was two minutes faster than last week. While he had the mobile in his hand he noticed there was a missed call from his sister. He thought it odd she would call so early that he immediately called her back.

"Noak?" Anna said into her phone when she answered her brother's call.

"Ja it's Noak, who else would call you before seven?" He replied, then quickly added, "Are you alright? I saw you called me and it's so early I worry someding might be wrong."

"Nothing is wrong my dear brother. I knew you'd be up and since I woke up an hour ago and can't fall back asleep I thought I'd give you a call." Anna said.

"Why can't you sleep?" Noak asked, he started walking again and kept his pace slow and steady.

"I've been sitting on some news and I am not quite sure how I am to deal with it." She replied. She sounded stressed.

"What kind of news?" Noak inquired.

"About Silas." Anna sighed. "Evan won't hire him back." She sounded as if she were going to cry. "I tried everything Noak. I really did."

"And I am sure Silas will appreciate your effort." Noak said, knowing that Silas appreciated anything Anna did for him.

"I feel like I somehow let him down." She sighed. "I tried everything but Evan won't budge on his decision."

"Does Evan still believe dat Silas is responsible for deh emails?" Noak asked. It was his biggest concern on the situation.

"Thankfully not." Anna said. "And that somehow makes his unwillingness to rehire him sting. I don't think that's fair. Silas did nothing wrong."

"Well, has he given you a reason den?" Noak asked. He didn't think the editor's decision to keep Silas out of work was fair, especially since he knew the emails hadn't been sent by him.

"He said that Silas wasn't worth the money to keep on the payroll. Said for the amount of work he did, it wasn't worth the cost. Even though his work was of good quality, he wasn't doing enough of it to meet Evan's standards." Anna explained.

"Forgive me for saying dis, but Evan sounds like a dick." Noak said.

"I must be forgiven too then, Noak, as I'm starting to think the same of him." Anna admitted. "I'm honestly thinking of looking for a new job. I don't think he is being a fair boss."

"But you worked so hard to get dat promotion you wanted." Noak said.

"And if I'm to work for someone like Evan the promotion isn't worth it to me." She said nobly. "I will keep this job until I find another, but I can't see myself staying there long term. I won't be happy working for an unfair man."

"As long as you have a backup before you quit, I'm sure dat whatever you decide to do will work out. You're an incredible woman Anna and I support all your decisions." Noak said.

"Thank you big brother." Anna said, grinning. "If you and Silas would like to meet for dinner, if you're both feeling up to it, I'd like to break the news to him in person."

"I'm out right now and he is still sleeping but I can ask him if he wants to go out tonight." Noak said. "Does tonight work for you?"

"It does." She replied. "Just send me a text when you know. I can always just swing by the farmhouse if he's not up to going out."

"I will most certainly let you know." Noak said. "Now go and try to sleep now dat your mind is clear. I know you too well my sister to know you enjoy sleeping in on weekends."

"That I do." Anna chuckled. "I'll speak with you later Noak. Love you." She said.

"Love you too." Noak said and ended the call. He stopped walking to slip his phone back into his pocket and take another drink of water.

He had another half an hour walk to go before he got home. The clouds were blowing in and he wanted to beat the rain. He walked at a speedy pace and made it back just as the first few drops of rain drizzled down.

Noak let himself inside and put his things on the table, his keys, his mobile phone and the empty water bottle. He stripped off his jacket and hung it on the rack before heading to the toilet to take a quick shower.

Wrapped up in his towel, Noak made his way down the hall to the bedroom. The door was open and he was certain that he'd closed it on his way out earlier that morning. When he stepped inside, the bed was empty. Silas wasn't there.

"Sweetheart?" Noak called, loud enough to be heard throughout the house. There wasn't any reply.

He dressed quickly, in some comfortable jeans and a loose fitting jumper. He left the bedroom and went into the living room. Silas wasn't there either. He backed out into the hall again and picked up his phone from the table. He sent a text to Silas, hoping to get a reply. He carried his water bottle into the kitchen while he waited.

The kitchen was empty, Silas was not there either. Noak did notice the mug from last night's tea was in the sink so he knew the shorter man had been in there at some point while he was out for his run. He looked down at his phone. Silas still hadn't replied.

"Silas?" Noak called again, walking out into the hallway once more.

He started walking towards the room at the end, where Silas often went to sit or sleep when his mind wasn't right. He thought maybe he'd gone and fallen asleep in there. He stopped outside the door, knowing that the room was Silas's. Noak never went in and hadn't even seen inside, respecting the place as Silas's. He lifted his hand to knock. He waited a few seconds then knocked again.

"Silas? You in dere?" Noak said, loud enough to be heard but not shouting in case his boyfriend was not in a good mindset.

Starting to worry a bit, Noak tried to open the door. If Silas was in there, it would be locked. It surprised Noak when the knob turned and the door swung open. Peeking inside, Noak noticed that the room was empty. Well, it wasn't empty but Silas wasn't there. Keeping to his word of not imposing on the space, he shut the door and headed back down the hall.

Noak made his way into the kitchen and began the task of making himself a pot of coffee. As he waited for it to brew he sent a second text to Silas.

: Hey. I'm just wondering where you are. I am home from my run and you are not. I will see you later. :

He sent the message and pulled a mug down from the shelf. He went to the refrigerator and took out the milk. He decided that he would need to go buy more as the liter was almost gone. Once his coffee was done he poured it into the mug with some milk. He cleared up the counter and went to the living room to watch some telly.

Nothing worth watching was on so Noak decided that he'd play some video games to keep his mind occupied. Silas was a grown man and knew how to take care of himself. Noak still felt worried though, as it wasn't like Silas to leave without saying anything about it.

Noak played his game for two hours. He left the living room door propped open and would periodically look up to see if and when Silas came home. It was after eleven when the front door opened and Silas stepped inside.

Tossing the controller aside, Noak got up and made his way to the door. "Hi." He whispered.

"Hi." Silas whispered back but didn't turn to look at his boyfriend. He hung up his coat and pulled his beanie off his head and set it down on the table next to Noak's keys.

"Where did you run off too?" Noak asked, voice light and curious.

"I just wanted to go out. That's all." Silas answered, still looking away. "I'm home now, stop asking me."

The sudden onset of Silas's foul mood concerned Noak, but he took a step back and just let it go. He didn't want to start up an in depth fight and he chose to just walk away.

Silas turned down the hallway and Noak could hear the door to his room open and close. Not knowing what else to do, Noak went back into the living room to finish the level he was so close to completing in his game.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

It was after three when the door to the spare room was opened again. Silas crept out and made his way into the toilet. He shut and locked the door behind him. He took his afternoon medication and turned on the shower. He stripped down as he waited for the water to heat.

_ You know you fucked things up Silas. [He thinks one trip back can undo the vile sins he's committed.] You're wrong, you know. [He's going to burn.] _

"Shut up." Silas spat and ignored the voices as they continued their rant about him.

He stuck his hand into the water to test the temperature. It was warm but not hot enough for him. He lowered the intensity of the cold water to increase the amount of hot coming through. He waited another minute before climbing in.

_You'll burn Silas. [He'll never be clean.]_ **Worthless.** _You're filthy. No good Silas. [He rots for this. He is no good. Disgusting._ **Worthless.**

Silas slammed his fist against the wall, hitting it hard enough the tile beneath his hand chipped. He wasn't an exceptionally strong man but the tiles were old and he had enough force behind the punch, caused by an influx of rage.

"Fuck!" He screamed.

**Worthless.** _No good piece of shit. [He deserves to be alone.]_ **Worthless. Shit. No good.**

"Stop it!" Silas shouted and threw his fist back at the wall. More tile chipped away and a sharp pain shot up his arm.

He fell to his knees and started sobbing uncontrollably. He glances down at the water that swirled down the drain. It was tinted red. He looked at his hand, sure enough it had been busted up pretty badly by the shattering tile.

Noak was in the kitchen. He had heard Silas go into the bathroom and had heard the shower turn on. He did nothing, wanting to give the man his space. He knew that Silas would come to him when he was ready. His plan changed when he heard the two thunks from the punches and Silas shouting out. The third thunk, of Silas falling to his knees had Noak up on his feet and out the door.

He found the bathroom locked and he started knocking. "Silas. Are you alright in dere?" He asked.

Silas could hear Noak, but he sounded so far away over the rush of falling water.

"I'm fine. Leave me alone." Silas called out, loud enough for Noak to hear him. Except, Silas wasn't fine. Not at all. He was breaking down and it was headed for a bad time, though it wasn't quite there yet.

"I heard banging." Noak said. "Please, tell me what happened." He had to try.

"I said I'm fine!" Silas shouted.

_ Liar. [He really believes that.] You're wrong. _

Noak sighed heavily and again, walked away. He really wished he knew how to better help his boyfriend. He sometimes could, but times like that, he was left feeling lost.

Silas stayed in the shower, sobbing and sniffling. The hot water turned his skin pink and the throbbing in his hand was unbearable. He looked at it again. There were pieces of tile embedded in his skin.

_You'll never amount to anything Silas. [He'll die alone and burn in Hell.]_ **Worthless.** _You don't deserve anything, anyone. [He deserves to suffer.]_

The water eventually ran cold and it wasn't until his teeth started chattering and his shivering got so bad it hurt, that Silas stood himself up and shut the shower off. He climbed over the edge of the tub, sliding a bit and catching himself of the counter. His injured hand hit the ledge and he saw stars.

_ Deserved that, you shit. [He's incompetent. Useless. Silas is pathetic.] _

Silas wasn't entirely sure how he managed not to cry out in pain but he didn't. He found his footing and hobbled over to the sink. He ran the hot water but it was used up for the time. Settling on cold, he began the task of picking open the cuts on his hand and pulling out the larger pieces of tile that were in there. He hissed and gasped. It hurt a great deal but he knew it had to be done and was too embarrassed to ask Noak for help.

It took twenty minutes and the use of tweezers to get every last shard out of the wounds. He cleaned it with soap and lukewarm water before covering it with an antibacterial cream and several large plasters.

He wrapped himself up in a towel but made no effort to dry himself off. He went right into the bedroom. Silas was surprised to find Noak in there.

"I'm fine." Silas blurted out before Noak could say anything.

"What happened to your hand?" Noak asked, quick to notice the array of plasters, already soaked through with blood. His tone wasn't anything but concerned.

_ Even he knows you're a filthy liar.  _ **Worthless.** _ [Silas is beyond help. He's beyond hope.] You're a worthless loser Silas and everyone knows. _

Silas looked down at his hand and then back up at his boyfriend. "I cut it." He whispered. There was no sense in lying about it.

"What happened Silas?" Noak asked quietly and got up from his seat on the bed.

He walked closer to Silas and Silas stepped back, looking down at the floor. The smaller man was trembling and neither man knew why.

"I, um, I punched the wall." Silas eventually whispered. He looked up but didn't meet Noak's eyes.

"Can you tell me why you did dat?" Noak whispered, not being judgmental or angry.

"The voices." Silas sighed.

"Dey told you to?" The taller man asked, actually curious about it.

"No." Silas replied. "They pissed me off."

"I'm sorry." Noak said with a frown.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Silas said with an almost bitter edge to his tone.

"You know dat you can talk to me if dey keep bodering you Sweetheart." Noak said and stepped closer once more.

Silas didn't step back that time. "I know." He whispered, looking at the floor and shuffling his feet.

"You know you can talk to me about anyding." Noak said.

"Yeah, I know." Silas snapped.

"What's wrong Sweetheart?" Noak asked. "Did someding happen when you went out dis morning?"

"No." Silas replied, coolly. "I told you I didn't want to discuss that. I'm home now, just leave it be."

"Silas, please talk to me. I'm trying to help you work dis all out." Noak said and took yet another step closer to his boyfriend.

Silas stepped back but couldn't take another as his back was to the wall. He looked at Noak, into his eyes. He looked defiant.

"Where did you go dis morning?" Noak asked. His own mind was telling him a lot of awful things that his anxiety wouldn't let him ignore.

"I told you I'm not discussing this with you!" Silas shouted.

Noak sighed and moved back to the bed. He sat down and looked over at Silas. He looked upset and he felt it too.

"I dought dere were no more secrets between us." Noak whispered.

Silas chewed his lip. He felt awful upsetting Noak and Noak was right. They weren't going to keep secrets.

"I am embarrassed." Silas whispered, tucking his hair behind his ear. "I don't want to tell you because I'm fucking embarrassed." He started to cry.

Noak didn't want to make him cry but he also didn't want Silas to think he had to hide things from him.

"Where did you go that you dink I'd make you feel ashamed for it?" Noak whispered. He was looking at Silas but didn't get up from his spot on the bed.

"I went to church." Silas mumbled, gazing at the floor. He wouldn't, no couldn't, look his boyfriend in the face.

That was not the response Noak had been expecting and it felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders. He'd actually let his anxiety convince him that Silas snuck out to cheat on him. It had happened twice before in previous relationships but never had it even been a thought of something Silas would do. Noak felt both relief about his boyfriend's reply and his own embarrassment for thinking so poorly of the man he loved.

"Dats noding to be embarrassed of." Noak said and he got up from the bed.

"It's not?" Silas whispered. He didn't believe that.

"No Sweetheart, not at all. If you want to go to church den you go." Noak said and closed the distance between them.

Silas looked up at Noak and sniffled. "But you don't believe in God. Surely you think I'm silly for going." He said, looking at Noak, confused.

"I don't dink you're silly for going Sweetheart." Noak said and touched his boyfriend's chest, hand on his heart. "If dat's what you believe in and what you need to do to find your piece of mine, of course I won't judge you or make fun of you."

"I need to go. If I go, Luci will leave us alone." Silas whispered. "You understand that, don't you?"

Noak didn't understand but he nodded his head. "I understand." He said, knowing it was what Silas needed to hear.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you and I'm sorry I got nasty when you asked." Silas said.

"I forgive you Sweetheart." Noak replied and kissed Silas on the top of his head. "So, do you feel up to going out to dinner tonight? Anna wants to talk to you." He added.

"I'll go but only if she drives out this way and we can go to the pub." Silas said.

"Deh pub sounds perfect. I'll text her and let her know." Noak said. "Get some clodes on and I'll make you a cup of tea."

Silas smiled at Noak. "Thanks." He whispered.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Noak and Silas arrived at the pub ten minutes before Anna did. They secured their usual table and ordered a plate of chips and two glasses of soda. They sat talking for a little while with George, who should have been working but it wasn't so busy that he'd get into trouble for talking. When Anna arrived she greeted her brother and Silas with sideways hugs and a kiss on the cheek. She took a seat next to Noak. George asked her what she wanted to drink and she ordered a beer.

"Haven't seen you in a while." Silas said, eating some of his chips and pushed the plate to Anna in offering.

_ Because she doesn't like you. [Stupid man.] You think you have friends. She was a coworker with an offering of pity. That's all. [All he deserves.] _

"Ja and I am sorry about that." Anna said and took a few chips to snack on while she looked over the menu. "I really have no excuse, other than being busy. I should have made the effort to call at least."

"You're right about dat, not an excuse." Noak teased and poked his sister in the arm. "Didn't even take deh time to call your own broder." 

"You're here now, so I guess just put it behind us." Silas said. "Did Evan make his decision to hire me back yet?" He asked. His tone stayed level and he didn't sound hopeful. He'd given up hope days ago.

_ Of course he didn't you little shit. [Evan hates him too.] Everyone hates you, Silas. Even we hate you. [He hates himself.] _

"That's actually why I wanted to come see you Silas." Anna said and reached for another chip. "I'm very sorry but he said no." She put her other hand on the back of his, offering comfort.

**Worthless.**

Silas laughed. It was an empty sound. "Of course." He said flatly. "I don't know why I bothered to even ask."

"I did everything I could Silas, please understand that." Anna said, squeezing his hand. "I can help you find another job. I will be looking myself."

"Did Evan fire you for helping me?" Silas asked, deeply concerned that it was the case.

"No. Not at all Sweetie." Anna said, sensing Silas upset. "I just decided that he's not the kind of man who I'd like to keep working for." She explained.

Silas nodded and looked down at the table top. He fixated on the hand not being held by Anna. It still hurt but the bandages were fit better, as Noak helped him redo it after his attempt bled through.

"Don't dink dat you have to rush into a new job, Silas. You take all deh time you need." Noak said, a reminder to his boyfriend.

"Well, um, if you're looking maybe I can look too." Silas whispered. He looked back up at Anna.

Silas knew that Noak was willing to help him. Silas also knew that he trusted Noak more than anyone he'd ever met before. But he refused to let Noak support him fully. He'd been in a relationship where someone was the sole provider and that ended terribly. He didn't think for a moment that Noak would ever treat him the way his ex had but he didn't want to be a burden. He'd look for work as soon as he was ready.

George returned with Anna's beer and another plate of chips. He took their orders for food and excused himself back to the kitchen.

The trio sat quietly for a while. Silas had retreated into his own mind, trying so hard to stop the voices that were pestering him so badly. Noak and Anna started chatting quietly, not ignoring Silas but doing their own thing until Silas was ready to join the conversation.

"Does Evan still think that it was me who threatened to harm him and his family?" Silas asked.

Anna paused the convo with her brother and looked right at her friend. "No Silas. No he does not." She answered.

"Really?" Silas whispered.

"I am being truthful my friend." Anna said, and she was.

Noak sat and looked at his boyfriend. He wanted to give him a hug but didn't because the table was in the way.

"I dink maybe you should just forget about Evan, Silas. I trust dat Anna did what she could and in his unfair choice to not take you back, I dink maybe he is not word your time and energy." He said.

_ You're not worth anyone's time or energy. You're a worthless piece of shit. _

"I know." Silas whispered but whether he said it reply to Noak or the voice inside his head, even he didn't know.


	26. Chapter 26

The following Sunday it was overcast and bitterly cold. Noak woke up first and left his boyfriend sleeping soundly while he went to the kitchen to make himself some coffee and see if there was anything to make for breakfast. Their food supply was a little low, as Noak was busy with work and Silas hadn't the energy to food shop on his own.

Making himself a bowl of oatmeal, Noak sat down at the kitchen table and ate it while drinking his coffee. He'd taken his laptop out of his messenger bag and clicked through some emails. He'd been so engaged with the computer he never heard Silas come into the kitchen. It was still quite early.

"Not out for a run this morning?" Silas asked, plunking down in the chair across from Noak.

"It's too cold so I'm waiting for deh sun to come out." Noak said, pushing the laptop aside to give the small man his full attention.

"It's supposed to rain today." Silas whispered. "I don't believe you'll be seeing much sun today Cuddle-bear."

"Den I will go out before deh rain and take a short run. I don't feel like doing it right now." Noak replied. "Would you like some tea?" He asked, quickly adding, "And someding to eat?"

"Tea." Silas whispered. "I'm not very hungry yet. I'm still too tired to eat."

"You don't have to eat anyding yet Sweetheart." Noak said, knowing that Silas didn't often eat when he first woke up. "I can make you some tea dough. What kind would you like?"

"Peppermint." Silas said and rubbed his eyes free of the sleep he had in the corners. "I feel a bit ill, maybe it will settle my stomach."

Noak frowned. Silas had been feeling ill for the last few days. He started to wonder if maybe something more than his anxiety was the cause. There was a terrible flu going around the last three weeks but Silas hadn't really left the house, except for the last Sunday and two trips out to the pub for dinner.

"I'm sorry you feel ill." Noak said and got up from the table. He grabbed his mug to refill his coffee. "Is dere anyding I can do to help you feel better?"

Silas looked up at his boyfriend and shook his head no. "Just tea." He sighed and lay his head down on the table.

Silas had only been awake for fifteen minutes. Already he was keenly aware of the voices keeping themselves quiet. Ideally, they stayed that way but he didn't feel hopeful. He rarely felt hopeful anymore. He spent nearly half of the time awake, laying in bed and grumbling to himself over the nausea he felt in his gut. When he'd had enough of that, Silas got up and went to the toilet to take his meds and freshen up.

It was after that when he came to join Noak in the kitchen. He zoned out, staring out the back door and into the trees beyond the garden wall. They were just taking shape in the growing light of dawn. Silas missed their bright green color. Seeing three quarters of them without their leaves made him hate the winter that much more. He longed for summer and the return of life and warmer temperatures.

The night before was the longest of the year, the winter solstice. Silas knew the weather was going to continue to stay cold, drop even more on some days but he knew that the nights would begin to shorten. It was the time of year that Silas struggled the most through but he was fortunate enough to have Noak by his side that year. Maybe he did have a little hope left in him.

"Silas?" Noak said for the third time. He had been standing at his boyfriend's side as the shorter man was zoned, lost in his own thoughts.

"Sorry." Silas whispered, looking up at Noak. He reached his hands up to take the mug of tea from him. "Thank you." He added.

"No worries." Noak replied and ruffled Silas's already messy hair. "I'm going to go take a shower now, you gonna be alright on your own for a little while?" He said.

Silas sipped his tea and nodded. "I'll be fine." He said but was looking away from Noak, starting to drift again.

"Good." Noak said. "I will hurry back. Love you Sweetheart."

"Love you too." Silas whispered, voice monotone. He did mean it, even if he didn't sound like he did, and Noak understood.

Silas heard a knock at the front of the house. It didn't sound like it was at the door. It very easily could have been Noak knocking something over but his brain jumped right into thinking it was something bad. He worried something or someone had come to cause him harm. He got up from the chair and left his tea on the table, having only drank from the mug twice. He moved into the hallway.

"Hello?" Silas called out, voice cracking as the fear coursed through him. "Who's there?" He whispered, pressing his back against the wall to stop whatever it was from sneaking up on him.

There was no reply. Silas could hear the fall of the water in the shower and just make out the soft sound of Noak singing to himself. Had his body not been in full fledge flight mode, he might have found the concept endearing.

"I asked who's there." Silas said, a little bit louder than he'd been before. He took a step away from the wall.

Silas heard the knocking again and he realized it was coming from the back door. He went back into the kitchen and to the door. He peered out the window but saw nothing. Against his better judgment, Silas unlocked and opened the door. He stared out into the garden and he was shivering as the cold air breezed in.

Suddenly, Luci appeared and waltzed herself inside.

"No." Silas said almost immediately.

"No? Why no?" Luci asked, brushing past the man and turning to face him when she reached the table. "This yours?" She asked and pointed at the tea that was left on the table top.

"You can't be here. I, I took out a restraining order against you." Silas said, closing the door against the cold. He took a step closer to the unwelcome intruder. "I told you before, Luci, I don't want you coming around here." He ignored her question about the tea.

"You know those silly papers mean nothing to me Silas. I don't know why you waste your time with it." Luci said and lifted the mug to her lips. She took a drink and spit it out. She tossed the mug aside. "You actually drink this shit?" She asked.

"Stop coming here." Silas said and looked at the mug that had broken into several pieces on the floor. "Stop breaking my things."

"Things are replaceable." Luci said and started a slow saunter towards the lanky man. "Our friendship is not. Please stop sending me away." She batted her sparse lashes and reached out to touch Silas's bare chest.

"And it's your own damned fault for ruining any chance we had at friendship." Silas whispered, pushing her hand off of him. "I was willing to trust you, I did trust you. But then you tried to kill me."

Luci laughed. The sound was dark and Silas hated the sound just as he always had. "You nearly killed yourself Silas, I had no part in what happened."

"Bullshit!" Silas shouted at her. "You believe your own lies. You really are the Devil."

Luci laughed even harder and folded over herself, shoulders shaking with the intensity of her laughter. When she stood back up she looked right at Silas.

"Is that what you think of me?" She giggled, wiping away the amused tears from her eyes. "You think I'm the Devil?"

"Yes." Silas said. He was annoyed she was laughing. He wanted her to stop.

"You are hilarious, my dear boy." Luci said and cupped his cheek in her hand. "Hilarious and much smarter than I've ever given you credit for."

"Stop touching me." Silas spat and slapped her hand away once more.  "Get out of here. And don't you dare come back."

"I don't want to go." Luci said and took a step even closer, leaning into Silas and breathing heavily against his cheek. "You cannot get rid of me, Silas. I really am the Devil and your soul should have been mine." She whispered. Her lips were chapped, rough as they moved over his ear.

"Stop it." Silas cried and gave the woman a push. He stumbled back and ran out of the kitchen. He could hear Luci laughing again but he didn't stop running until he reached the bathroom.

Silas banged against the door with both his fists. "Noak! Noak get out here." He cried. "Luci came back. She's here. Noak, please, Luci is here now." He was sobbing and shaking. He collapsed onto his knees, thunking his head on the door on his way down.

Noak heard the shouting but was unable to tell what it was Silas was saying. He was worried and immediately shut off the water. He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around himself, not bothering to dry off. He opened the door, which hadn't been locked. Noak nearly tripped over his boyfriend who was still hunched down on the floor.

"Silas, what happened?" Noak asked, crouching down and touching the other man on the shoulder.

"Luci is here." Silas mumbled through a sob and pointed towards the kitchen. His words had Noak back on his feet.

The taller man ran to the kitchen. The room was not occupied by anyone but himself. He noticed the broken mug on the floor and that the tea inside it was splattered all around. His eyes moved to the door and he saw it was closed but not locked. With the urgency of trying to catch the woman who was causing his boyfriend distress gone, Noak returned to the hallway.

"Silas, deh kitchen is empty." Noak said, standing over the shorter man. He held out his hand to help him up to his feet.

"She was just here. I'm not lying to you." Silas cried, letting himself be pulled up from the floor. "Noak, she was here." He pushed his face into the taller man's chest and started sobbing harder.

Noak put his arms around Silas and held onto him. He bent his head and whispered soothing words against his hair. Silas calmed down and took a step back, looking at Noak through teary eyes.

"You don't believe me." Silas said, unprompted. He coughed to mask another sob.

"I didn't say dat." Noak replied, looking at Silas with worry in his eyes. "I only said dat deh kitchen was empty. I looked Silas, but she wasn't in dere."

"Then she left." Silas said in a rush. He wiped at his face, hands becoming covered in tears and snot. "She was here Noak. She told me she was the Devil. It's no longer a suspicion. She told me."

"Did she?" Noak whispered, finding it hard to deny his skepticism.

"Yes." Silas snapped.

Noak gave him a disapproving glance, not at his words to him about Luci, but how he had snapped at him for no reason.

"I'm sorry." Silas whispered and he was. He was really working on not snapping at his boyfriend but sometimes under deep stress it was out of his control.

"Did you tell her about deh restraining order?" Noak asked, just going with what Silas was saying.

He wasn't entirely sure how to tell Silas that he didn't believe him any longer. He wanted to believe Silas, knowing that no one else did but the evidence was there. No one had ever seen Luci and she only ever appeared to Silas when he was alone. It broke Noak's heart thinking that he'd eventually have to tell Silas that he believed Luci was a symptom of his schizophrenia. He didn't want to do it. Not that morning. Not when Silas was at a moment of weakness.

"Yes and she said she didn't need to follow it." Silas replied. "I told you she wouldn't."

"You did say dat." Noak whispered.

"I don't, shit Noak, I don't want to play the I told you so card, but honestly it's all I have." Silas said. "I told you, She doesn't play by anyone's rules but her own. She won't ever stop coming here."

"Dere has to be a way to stop her Silas." Noak said. "You will figure dis out. We bod will."

"I... I think I want to go lay back down. I don't feel well." Silas whispered.

"Den let's go do dat. I will lay wid you if you are up for deh company." Noak said and smiled at him.

"I'd really appreciate that. Thank you." Silas said and turned around. He started walking to the bedroom.

Noak followed his boyfriend into the room. He dried himself off and slipped into a pair of boxer shorts. Silas had climbed right into the bed and sat there waiting for Noak to join him. When Noak finally got into bed, the two snuggled up close and moved to lay down on top of the covers. The taller of the two wrapped the shorter man in his arms, spooning him and keeping him close.

"Don't let me fall asleep." Silas whispered, leaning his back against Noak's chest.

"May I ask you why?" Noak whispered, gently petting over Silas's flat belly.

"I've got to leave in an hour." Silas replied, closing his eyes and letting himself relax in his lover's warm embrace.

"Church?" Noak asked, nuzzling into Silas's hair. He could smell his shampoo, even as the smaller man hadn't the energy to shower in three days.

"Yes." Silas replied and he still had an air of shame about it, even after Noak explained he needn't feel that way.

"If you are dat tired and feeling unwell, why not you get some sleep? I will make sure you're up in time and den I will drive you. You shouldn't walk in dis cold weader." Noak said.

"You'd do that for me?" Silas asked. He never thought to ask Noak to drive him and planned on walking.

"Of course Sweetheart." Noak replied and gave his body a gentle squeeze. "I will drop you off, go for my run and den pick you back up."

Silas twisted away from Noak's hold and turned around to face him. He looked up into his eyes, their blue colour just picking up the minimal light in the bedroom.

"You'd really do that for me?" He whispered, pressing his hand to the taller man's chest.

Noak picked up Silas's hand and brought it to his lips. "Ja Silas, I really will." He said and kissed his fingers.

"Thank you." Silas whispered, leaning over and he pressed a little kiss to Noak's cheek, right over his largest scar. "I don't suppose you could take me food shopping afterwards?" Silas asked, a little glint of hope in his eyes.

"If you are feeling up to it Sweetheart." Noak said. "But if you're not, I can do it myself. We are in need of a few dings."

"We are." Silas agreed.

"Get some sleep Silas. I will wake you up in an hour." Noak said, brushing his hands back through Silas's tangled hair.

"Will you stay with me?" Silas asked quietly, shifting around so he was settled against his boyfriend once more. He faced him, nuzzling into his throat.

"Ja Sweetheart." Noak whispered and kissed the top of his head.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Two days later, Noak came home from work and he found Silas bouncing around the kitchen. Dinner was ready and on the table, set between two settings of dishes and utensils. The short man was blasting music and singing along rather cheerfully.

Noak leaned against the door frame just watching his boyfriend. He had a smile on his face. It was always a treat to see Silas so energetic and carefree. It was not a common occurrence. He watched the smaller man sing and dance, blissfully unaware that Noak had returned. He belted out the lyrics and swung his hips around, dancing between the counter and the table.

Quietly, Noak took his mobile phone from his pocket and snapped a few pictures of Silas, lost in the moment of happiness. He wanted to remember these times, when they so often were lost to the symptoms of Silas's disorder.

"You know, Sweetheart, I dink deh words of Annie Lennox sound much nicer coming from you." Noak said, loud enough to be heard over the thumping beat of the Eurythmics.

Silas startled at Noak's words but hadn't been seriously frightened. He laughed nervously, being caught acting like a fool.

"You're home early." Silas said in place of thanks for the compliment.

"Not actually." Noak said and glanced down at his watch. "I'm half an hour late. Traffic was unbelievable." He was smiling and moved closer to Silas.

Silas reached behind him and lowered the volume on the small stereo he set up next to the microwave. He then put his arms out to circle around Noak.

"I'm happy you're home." He mumbled into his chest, before turning his head up to look at his face. "Time seems to have gotten away from me. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"See what?" Noak asked, pressing his forehead to Silas's. "You being happy and in deh moment? Do not apologize for dat sort of ding Sweetheart."

"Okay. I won't." Silas whispered and pulled Noak's lips to his own. "I made your favourite for dinner." He whispered before he kissed him deeply.

"I can smell dat." Noak said, grinning into his boyfriend's lips before kissing him again. "What's deh occasion?" He teased.

"I was hoping that we could fuck tonight." Silas sighed, stepping back but keeping his hands on the larger man. "It's been a while and I'm kind of horny."

"You know dat you don't have to do anyding but ask, Sweetheart." Noak said, touching Silas's cheek and running his thumb over his full bottom lip.

"This is true, but I meant to do something special to make up for being distant these last two weeks." Silas said, leaning into Noak's touch and rubbing his cheek against his boyfriend's wrist. "Um, December is a bad time for me. I'm sorry if I've dragged you down with me."

"I am sorry it's been difficult." Noak said. "You don't have to apologize for dings dat are beyond your control. I understand and I love you still, so very much."

"I love you too Noak." Silas said, practically beaming. "More than I think you'll ever know."

"You underestimate yourself Silas." Noak whispered, dipping his head to brush his lips across the smaller man's. "I know you love me. You show me in lots of ways, even if you don't realize dat it's what you're doing."

Silas felt his cheeks flush and he hugged Noak tightly. "Come eat, before it gets cold."

The two sat down at the table to share the meal that Silas had prepared for them. It consisted of his deliciously famous meat pies, with extra beef, and two sides of chips and coleslaw. It wasn't only Noak's favourite, but Silas's as well. (Though Silas did prefer lamb over beef, but only slightly.)

"Hey, I have a question for you." Noak said, once they had finished eating and sat there just enjoying the quiet company.

"Alright." Silas said with a grin. His good mood had continued and he hadn't felt that way in a long few weeks. He never, ever recalled being this happy on the 24th of December.

"Would you like to go for a short walk wid me tonight?" Noak asked. He had a specific reason for asking.

"But it's so late." Silas whispered.

"Ja, and I wanted to show you someding in deh sky." Noak said, smiling softly. He reached across the corner of the table and took Silas's hand in his.

"And if I get too cold?" Silas whispered, lacing his fingers through Noak's larger ones.

"Den I will hug you close and share deh warm I give off." Noak said and squeezed Silas's hand. "We will bundle you up nice and warmly too."

"Then yeah, sure I will go for a walk with you." Silas said. He was a little wary of heading out into the cold night, but for Noak, he would. "Where are we going?" He asked, curious to know.

"Just out back. Over by deh hill in deh field. Our usual spot for meteor watching." Noak explained.

"Oh, are there meteors tonight?" Silas asked, suddenly very interested in going. He really liked the chance to see the meteors.

"Well, dere is a chance for dem every night Silas. And tonight is not a peak event but deh Geminids are still visible."

"Oh, when is the peak?" Silas asked excitedly. "I'm still up to going tonight but I'd also like to see them at their best."

"Deh peak has already passed for dem dis year." Noak said. Silas had been unwell so he never offered to take him out.

"Oh." Silas sighed. "Maybe next year then." He whispered. One thing Silas had learned from his boyfriend was that the meteor showers returned every year. "If you're not sick of me by then." He added with the first frown he possessed all day.

"I will not ever get sick of you." Noak replied, giving his hand another squeeze.

"If you say so." Silas mumbled. "I'm going to the toilet now. I'll come clean up in a minute." He pushed himself back in the chair and rose to his feet.

"Don't be silly Sweetheart. You did all dis work preparing an excellent dinner, let me do deh washing up." Noak said and he too got up.

"Alright." Silas said with another smile. "At least let me help dry the dishes with you."

Noak chuckled quietly. "If you're dat eager to help me out, I'd appreciate deh help, ja."

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

The couple cleaned up the kitchen and made their way outside after bundling up against the cold night. Noak brought along two blankets, one to set out on the ground and one to wrap around themselves. They made sure to get comfortable, snuggled up close and quietly watched the sky. There were a few heavy clouds on the horizon but the sky overhead was crystal clear and the stars twinkled high above them.

There was something about the winter sky that made Noak incredibly happy. To him, there was more to see and the stars themselves seemed to twinkle brighter in the less humid weather. He hoped that Silas would enjoy their time out there as much as he knew he would himself, and he hoped that Silas was not too cold. In the time they were out there, not a single meteor was spotted by either man.

The two lay there in utter silence for close to an hour. There was no need to fill the quiet peace with any words. Silas seemed to be warm enough, dressed in his layers, under the blanket and pressed against his larger boyfriend, who radiated heat like Silas's own personal furnace. His head was resting on Noak's shoulder and Noak had his hand on Silas's behind.

“Dank you for laying out here wid me Sweetheart.” Noak whispered eventually. He shifted down and kissed along his boyfriend's jaw. “I feel it has been too long since we took deh time.” He added.

Silas smiled up at him in the darkness. “Don't thank me.” Silas replied quietly. "But I'd like it if you'd maybe show your gratitude with kisses. It will warm me against this cold."

Noak chuckled and turned to catch Silas’s lips in a kiss.

“You're welcome anyway.” Silas whispered, grinning. "I'd like to keep doing this, the space watching that is. I mean, it's cold but I can deal."

Noak smiled. He kissed Silas again. Silas deepened the kiss. He ran his hands over Noak’s belly and squeezed him through his heavy coat.

Noak sucked Silas’s tongue gently. His heart fluttered as the shorter man relaxed against him. Sitting back, Noak looked down at Silas. His boyfriend's hair was still messed and fanned out over the blanket.

“Holy shit!” Silas exclaimed. "Saw one." He sat up and pointed as he saw a meteor streak across the sky over Noak's shoulder.

"Figures I'd miss it." Noak said, laughing quietly. He didn't mind. He quite enjoyed kissing Silas as he had been.

Silas sat up further and pressed a couple of kisses along Noak’s neck. He kept them brief, short pecks to the skin. Noak was warm and his stubble prickled Silas's lips in a pleasing manner.

“Lay back with me.” Silas whispered and laid back against the blanket, pulling Noak down on top of him.

Noak laughed lightly. He was filled with joy seeing how excited Silas still was. His joyful mood had been present all day. Noak leaned himself over Silas, holding himself up on arms he placed on either side of his boyfriend's head. He looked down at Silas, barely able to make out his eyes in the dark of the winter night.

"Another!" Silas shouted, tossing his hand up and passed Noak's head. "That's two. And you've seen neither." Silas said, sounding so incredibly full of joy.

Noak nodded and smiled down at Silas, who once again met his eyes. For a while Noak thought the smaller man had faked his interest in space just to appease him but over time, he realized the wonder and curiosity were genuine. Noak had a real space lover lying under him.

"Do you dink I should turn around and watch?" Noak whispered, licking over his lips.

"I think you should kiss me some more." Silas replied.

Noak smiled at Silas softly. He leaned down and gave Silas a few lingering kisses. When he sat up, Silas whined in protest. He'd been horny all day and the feeling was steadily rising.

"More." The smaller man cried, rolling his hips off the blanket and into Noak's hip.

"Soon." Noak whispered, lifting an arm to pet back through Silas's hair. "I, um, I have someding I want to give you. A gift."

Silas looked up at Noak, eyes wide and he sat himself up. He watched in the dark, as his boyfriend reached into his front pocket.

"Give me what?" Silas whispered. "I… I told you, no, no gifts."

Silas only assumed it was a Christmas present, as it was Christmas eve after all. He and Noak had discussed Silas's aversion to the holiday and Noak did agree to not buy him anything to celebrate.

"It's not for Christmas, Silas. It's just a little token to show you how much you mean to me." Noak said, closing his fingers around a small object in the pocket. He pulled the object from his pocket and kept it concealed in his palm.

"I know how much I mean to you." Silas whispered, chewing his lip. He didn't know what to make of the situation. He didn't even know what sort of token it was. He just knew he was terrible at receiving gifts, as he'd only ever been given one in his twenty some-odd years. "I, I don't need something to tell me that."

“Hey, sit up again for a minute.” Noak said.

Silas sighed over dramatically. “No.” He whined, feeling himself start to get overwhelmed, swamped with unknown emotions. “You lay down.” He said with a forced smile and pat the spot next to him. Silas was trying to stay calm.

He pushed himself up anyway, when Noak made no move to lie down. Silas sat there on the blanket and looked at Noak with wide eyes. It was still so dark but the two had been out there long enough they could see each other just fine. Noak leaned in and kissed Silas’s lips just once.

“I got you a little someding.” He whispered. “A surprise. And I promise you, it's not about Christmas and I don't expect anyding from you in return.” He explained. "I did dis because it was someding I wanted to do for you Sweetheart."

Silas licked his lips and nodded in a worried excitement. He felt confused. “I like your surprises.” He said, reminding himself of that fact. He really did. The things Noak did for him made him happy. He wasn't entirely sure why the thought of this surprise gift was making him feel so lost in his own body.

Noak shifted closer to Silas. He turned the object in his palm. It was cold from the outside temperature.

“Give me your hand.” Noak said quietly.

Silas lifted his hand and placed it, palm up, in his boyfriend’s. He watched as Noak turned his hand and slipped a stone-set silver band onto his ring finger. It fit him perfectly. He kept quiet and just stared down at the ring.

Silas looked up at Noak. His face was completely expressionless. “What's this?” He asked a little choked up.

He looked back at the ring. It was a thick band with three dark colored stones set into it.

"It's a ring." Noak whispered. The obvious answer.

Silas sobbed. "Why?" He asked, shaking his head. He believed it was too much. He didn't deserve such a gift.

"Because I love you, Silas." Noak said. He felt terrible that his boyfriend was having a hard time. He worried that maybe Silas didn't like it.

“Hold on.” Noak said, wanting to show Silas the little details.

He dug his mobile out of the back pocket of his jeans. He flipped the torch on and he shined it over the ring.

“Deh stones are meteorites.” He said. "Deh same sort dat we spend so much time looking at."

Silas grimaced up at him. He wanted to smile but he was too overwhelmed. He still didn't understand why Noak would give him such a wonderful thing when he wasn't wonderful himself.

"Do you like it?" Noak whispered, touching Silas softly, cradling the side of his face.

Silas looked down at the ring. The silver shone brightly under the torch light. “It’s beautiful.” He whispered.

“Now, take deh ring off for a minute.” Noak said.

Silas looked at him sideways but did as he was told. He passed it back to his boyfriend. Noak shone the light at the ring once more. Inscribed on the inside of the ring was:

‘☆My Sweetheart♡’

Silas started crying more heavily. He loved it but he just deeply felt he was undeserving.

"Silas, please don't cry." Noak whispered, thumbing away the shorter man's tears. He took his hand back and slid the ring back on him.

Silas felt himself fill up with even more emotions. He threw his arms around Noak. He started to ugly cry and relaxed when Noak wrapped him in his arms.

"Dis is just to show you, Silas, dat you mean deh world to me. It's a reminder, a promise to show you dat I'm not going to leave you. Please, you understand dat, don't you?"

Silas shook his head no. He wanted to understand. He wanted to believe. But in the end, everyone always had enough and left him.

"Noak, why would you do this?" Silas sniffled. "I'm not worth it."

The taller man gave Silas a gentle squeeze, holding him close. He murmured words of love and promises to stay into Silas's hair. He softly rocked Silas until the smaller man calmed down.

"I love you, Silas. Forever and a day." Noak whispered. He'd sat back, lifting Silas's face by the chin. He pressed a small kiss to his lips.

“I love you too.” Silas said quietly. He took a deep breath. "The ring… the ring is very nice. The gesture was kind. I just, I just…"

"It's okay Sweetheart." Noak said calmly.

"I'm not used to people buying me things. I am sorry I'm acting like this." Silas said and found himself staring down at the ring. Noak still had the torch shining on it. "It's, oh fuck, it's beautiful Noak. I love it. I love you. Thank you."

Noak smiled and gave his boyfriend another small kiss. "I love you too, Silas."

The pair held one another for a little longer. Noak sat back and spotted a meteor whiz by behind Silas.

"Saw one." He said and his grin brightened the awkward mood.

"Good." Silas said and grinned back. He started to laugh. It was a quiet sound.

"What's so funny?" Noak asked and poked him in the cheek.

Silas shook his head. His cheeks flushed pink but the night kept that hidden. "It's nothing." He mumbled.

"Surely it's not noding." Noak said.

"You're right. It's not." Silas said and looked up at Noak. "I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to laugh."

"How am I to make dat promise Sweetheart?" Noak asked, grin on his face. "If you are laughing, I just might too." He whispered and leaned down to kiss Silas again. He pressed a peck to his lips and then another to the bridge of his nose. He kissed each of his eyes as well.

Silas turned his head, kissed Noak's lips long and hard. The kiss was deep and passionate. It was Silas that stopped, pulling back ever so slightly.

“I got scared. I saw the ring and thought you might be asking me to marry you.” He said, words mumbled against his boyfriend's lips.

Noak looked down at his boyfriend. He cupped a cheek and wiped at his tears.

Noak had not intended to ask that sort of question. The plan was truly to make a promise, that he wouldn't give up on Silas despite the hardships. He wanted to do something special because Silas had been having a rough time. Between losing his job and dealing with Luci, Noak simply wanted to make his boyfriend smile. Instead, he'd made him cry. Silas's words echoed around in Noak's brain.

“If dat were deh case, what would you say?” Noak whispered.

"I… I don't know." Silas replied. He was shaking and it wasn't his tremors or the cold.

"You don't know what you would say, or you would say you don't know?" Noak asked, leaning in close, brushing his nose with Silas's.

Silas sniffled and shrugged his shoulders.

"Silas Langston." Noak whispered, looking into Silas's eyes. "Marry me?"

Noak truly hadn't planned on asking then and there. It just sort of happened. The ring was only meant as a gift, not engagement. He didn't want to upset Silas but the question just felt natural to him. Through it all, Noak wanted nothing more than to spend his life with the love of his life. He was completely enamored with the strange man from Ipswich, that his sister had introduced him to.

“What?” Silas squeaked.

Noak sat back and looked at his boyfriend.

“Will you marry me?” Noak asked, love and adoration in his eyes.

Silas was terrified. But that didn't stop him from saying the first thing to pop into his mind. “Yes!” Silas said immediately. “Absolutely yes.” He whispered and pulled Noak in for a kiss.

Noak kissed him back and held his smaller frame tight against him.

Silas was crying when Noak pulled away.

“Hey.” Noak whispered softly and wiped at Silas’s cheeks.

Silas blinked and shut his eyes. His heart beat rapidly. He bit his bottom lip and reopened his eyes.

“You're serious?” Silas questioned.

Noak kissed Silas on the nose. “Quite serious, Sweetheart. I want to spend deh rest of my life wid you.” Noak whispered. "I have wanted dat for a long time. To be wid you, always."

Silas started sobbing again. “Oh my God, Noak.” He whispered. “You better not be fucking with me.” He said.

Noak sat back. He held tightly to Silas's hand. “No. I mean it. I promise.” He said.

Noak pulled Silas into his lap and hugged him close. He kissed the top of his head and ran his hands soothingly up and down his arms.

“You alright?” He asked quietly after a moment.

Silas let himself be held, a sure sign that he was alright. He nuzzled Noak’s neck and pressed a few kisses to his jawline.

“I'm overwhelmed.” Silas whispered.

“Dat is okay.” Noak whispered.

He moved his arms to circle the smaller man’s hips and just held onto him loosely.

“You sure you are serious?” Silas questioned. “You know I'm crazy, that I'm fucked up.” He sighed.

Noak kissed Silas gently on the lips. “Hush.” He said. “We've been drough dis. You are not crazy And you are not fucked up.” He said.

Silas nodded his head. He didn't believe it but hearing Noak say it made him want to believe. He looked up at Noak and said nothing. He wiped his eyes free of the tears.

“Y-you… You really want to marry me?” Silas asked and laughed.

Noak smiled and nodded.

“I do want dat.” He assured Silas.

Silas continued to laugh, the sound was light and happy. “I want that too.” He whispered and pulled Noak down for a kiss. "Take me inside." He mumbled and kissed him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made some typo / consistency edits.


	27. Chapter 27

The two were hardly inside the house a couple of seconds before Silas pushed Noak, back against the kitchen wall. He threw his arms around the taller man's neck and pulled him down to kiss him. The kiss was hot and frenzied, a mixture of biting lips and clashing teeth. It was hurried and unfocused. The kiss faltered as Noak started to laugh. Breathless, Silas stumbled back and looked up into his, now fíance's, eyes.

"Why are you laughing?" Silas asked, staring at Noak, whose cheeks were bright red from being out in the cold so long. His eyes were blown wide with arousal. Silas liked that look on Noak.

"Sorry to laugh, Sweetheart. I know dat you're eager, I am too but don't you dink we should, I don't know, take off our coats first? Maybe lock deh door?" Noak said, grinning with amusement.

Silas huffed out a little laugh. "Yeah, maybe." He said. It made more sense than stumbling around in full winter gear. He firmly believed the less clothes, the better. "I just, fuck, I need you so much right now." He smiled up at the other man and started to take off his coat.

Noak did the same, unzipping the heavy jacket and dropping it to the floor. He was looking at Silas, he too had rosy cheeks from the chill of being outside. He reached over and clicked the lock on the garden door.

"Would you object to maybe taking a shower together?" Silas whispered, leaning into Noak and pulling him down for another kiss.

The kiss was less rushed and consisted of little brushes of lips and soft touches. Noak slid Silas's coat off and let it fall to the floor with his own.

"I would not object." Noak mumbled and nibbled down his fíance's neck. "Are you cold?" He asked, sliding his hand up under Silas's long sleeved shirt and feeling how icy it felt.

"Yes." Silas whispered, head lolling back as he felt the other's fingers brush up his chest, thumb ghosting over a nipple. "The hot shower, it should warm me right up." He sighed, closing his eyes as Noak kissed him again.

The couple made their way out of the kitchen, Noak thinking to turn off the light as Silas led the way down the hall and into the bathroom. The shorter man flipped the switch to turn on the lights in there and they flickered a few times before staying on for good.

"Maybe I should look into getting dat fixed." Noak commented.

"Another time." Silas replied.

"Ja, obviously not now." Noak chuckled.

Silas smiled at him and pulled his shirt off, leaving it draped over the edge of the vanity.

“Can you do me a favour Cuddle-bear? Don't hog the water.” Silas teased and poked Noak in the chest.

“I do not do dat.” Noak replied as he pulled his own shirt off and leaving it next to Silas's.

“Do too.” Silas said with a laugh and worked open the buttons on his jeans.

Silas turned the water on in the shower and he finished stripping while waiting for it to heat up. Noak dug out a pair of towels, setting them on the closed toilet lid and then he too finished undressing.

"My God, you're perfect." Silas whispered, smile tugging at his lips. He let his gaze move up and down Noak's naked body.

"I'm glad you dink so." Noak replied, blushing. He was still blown away that Silas was so attracted to his looks. He still struggled with his self confidence from time to time but he firmly believed he was perfect when it was Silas telling him.

"Before we start fooling around, I'd like to clean myself up." Silas said, sticking his arm past the curtain to test the temperature. It wasn't quite hot enough just yet.

"Why, do you stink?" Noak teased, coming up behind Silas and gently pinching his arse.

Silas laughed and shivered at the pinch. He turned to face Noak and looked up into his eyes. "I don't stink." He whined, faking a pout.

"I'd still love you if you did." Noak said, leaning down to kiss him. "But you don't. And I'm not going to stop you from getting clean Sweetheart."

Silas smiled into the kiss and put his hands on Noak's chest. "Can I ask you something?" He whispered.

"You can ask me anyding." Noak replied.

"Would you be comfortable fucking me without a condom tonight?" Silas asked, trailing his fingers up and down the center of his fíance's torso.

Noak nodded his head yes. "If dat is what you want." He said.

"Oh God yes." Silas replied. "I want that."

"I'm comfortable if you are." Noak said, putting his hand on Silas's cheek. He looked down into his eyes.

Silas smiled and he stepped into the shower, holding the curtain back for Noak to follow. He stood with his back to the stream. His eyes closed and a pleased sound escaped his lips. “Oh, that feels good.” He sighed.

The water was just hot enough to sting but not scald. Silas leaned his head back, letting the liquid dampen his hair and run down over his neck and chest. He moaned a bit, for show of course. He leaned a little bit forward to let the hot water soothe his aching back.

Noak climbed in after him and stood a moment just appreciating the naked body before him. He thought that Silas was perfect too. He reached up and past Silas’s head to grab the bottle of shampoo. He flipped the lid and squeezed a glop into his hands. He lathered it up and reached to scrub at Silas's long shaggy hair.

He maneuvered the shorter man out of the water stream and ducked under it himself.

He took great care in washing Silas’s hair and helped him to rinse it out as well. He grabbed the bottle once more, glopping a bit more into his palm and using it to wash his own hair.

As Noak was doing that, Silas reached for a flannel and some soap. He got to work, scrubbing away the daily dirt and grime from Noak’s skin. He washed his back first, taking time to massage his shoulders as well. Noak relaxed and moaned softly at the work of Silas’s fingers over tense muscles. He worked his way down the other man's body. He paid extra attention to Noak’s backside, and pinched him.

Silas could tell by the quiet moans that Noak enjoyed the extra attention. He'd already resolved to the idea that this wasn't going to be a quick shower. He gave the taller man’s hips a squeeze and pulled him closer. Silas let a quiet moan slip past his lips, pressing himself to the taller man's back. He reached down to pinch Noak again and pressed a kiss between his shoulders.

“Like that?” Silas whispered.

Noak responded with an affirmative hum. Silas turned his fíance so they were facing each other fully. He lathered up with more soap and washed over his neck and chest. He teased over his nipples, leaning up to kiss the moan right out of his mouth. As he pulled away, Noak's hips jerked, blood rushing to his cock.

Silas pressed a wet kiss to the front of Noak’s shoulder before dropping to his knees to better wash over his legs. He purposely avoided the taller man’s pelvic region but made sure to prod and tease over his thighs. Silas loved and lived for his lover’s thighs. His thumbs pressed into the skin where leg met torso. Soapy fingers trailed up and down wet and slippery skin. He washed and teased at Noak’s cock. He washed over his balls, rolling them in his hands.

Noak moaned softly. His head lolled back. Silas's actions were really turning him on. He inhaled sharply when he felt Silas wrap his small, soap covered hand around his quickly stiffening cock. He groaned deeply when the smaller man started to jerk him off.

Silas smirked up at him and suddenly took his hands off Noak’s now hard cock. He swapped the hand he touched him with and scrubbed the flannel down over the taller man’s thighs, knees and calves, finishing off with his feet. Silas moved back to allow the water to wash over Noak, suds rinsing away down the drain. He stayed down on his knees and looked up through the damp strands of his hair at him, licking his lips seductively. He dropped the flannel and took his cock back in his hand.

"Oh fuck, Sweetheart." Noak moaned, thrusting his hips forward.

Silas giggled and pulled his hand away. Noak was mid moan and groaned out, missing the contact.

"You tease." Noak whispered, putting his hand on the top of Silas's head. He looked down into his grinning face.

“You don't like when I tease you? What's the hurry? You're in no rush, are you?” Silas asked with a smirk.

Noak brushed Silas’s hair from his eyes. He touched his wet face and traced his lips.

“A rush to fuck your moud, maybe?” Noak replied, voice husky with lust. “You want dat? My dick, drusting against your face?” He asked and ran his fingers back through Silas’s hair.

Silas moaned. It gave him much pleasure to know that Noak continued to use the over the top dirty talk he was very much into. He felt his cock twitch, but not swell. Back on his meds regularly, he didn't hold much hope he'd get hard. Silas leaned into Noak’s touch and shivered as his thumb traced down along his throat.

“Yeah.” Silas sighed. His eyes closed as Noak’s cock nudged his cheek. He wanted it, by God he wanted nothing less in that moment.

Noak’s palm came to rest against the shorter man's other cheek and he traced Silas’s lower lip with his thumb, smoothing the droplets of water away. He pressed into the rosy skin, silently asking entry. He bit his own lips, eyes fluttering at the thought of sinking his cock into the warm wet heat of the other's mouth.

Silas let his mouth fall open and he stuck his tongue out, licking at Noak’s thumb, taking it into his mouth, gently sucking. It was a tease, a little last minute preview of what he would do for his lover. His enthusiasm was apparent and drew another moan from Noak. He wanted more and the other man knew it.

“You ready for my dick, _din_ _kuksugar hora_?” Noak asked, voice cracking with need. He pulled his thumb from Silas’s mouth and trailed saliva down his chin, mixing it with the shower water. He swept his damp fingers over Silas’s neck.

Silas hummed. “Yeah.” He sighed, eyes fluttering in need and against the falling water from the showerhead.

Noak covered Silas’s mouth with his hand and gave him a stern look. It was a final question of whether or not he really wanted to do this. The shower was slippery and blowjobs were risky in that kind of situation. Prior to that night, the pair had only ever exchanged handjobs while in that particular environment. There was no protest, just desire, in Silas’s eyes. He licked Noak’s fingers. He gave an ever so slight nod. He wanted Noak to use him. He craved the feeling of being face fucked, being used for Noak's own pleasure. Silas got much pleasure from it too.

Noak pulled his hand away. He grasped his own cock and positioned it at Silas’s lips. He pressed the tip to his fíance's lips, tugging back his foreskin to expose the head.

“Open.” Noak commanded. He was mostly breathless and his nerves tingled. He closed his eyes.

Silas opened his mouth, eagerly taking the head of Noak’s cock between his lips. He closed his mouth around, lips stretched over. He used his tongue to tease his tip.

“Ah, fuck.” Noak said. His hands settled against Silas’s neck, fingers up and splayed across either side of his face. He cradled his head in his hands. His hips rocked gently.

“Oh ja.” Noak whispered. “Feels good.” He whined.

Silas moaned and took as much as he could into his mouth and pulled back, completely off. He did this a couple of times, getting himself reacquainted with Noak's size. It had been weeks since Silas wanted this level of physical contact. He pressed kisses up and down the length of the cock. He wrapped his fingers loosely at the base and occasionally gave Noak a couple of strokes. He flicked his eyes up towards his face, as he used the other hand to tease his balls.

Noak groaned loudly, raking his fingers back through Silas's hair. He fisted his hand in the locks, pulling the wet strands. He took a step back, using his other arm to steady himself against the tiled wall. His cock slid from Silas's warm, wet mouth with a pop that echoed in the small space of the shower.

“Choke me with it, Noak? Choke me with your big cock.” Silas whispered, words barely audible over the rush of water. He dragged his lips over Noak's length, pressing a kiss to the base, then another at the tip. “Then I want you to cum all over my face. Please, please tell me you will.” Silas whispered, leaning back and licking over his lips, tasting the traces of pre-cum Noak had left behind. He moaned, eyes closing tightly. At the touch of his fíance's fingers to his cheekbones, Silas reopened his eyes.

Noak looked down into the deep green gaze of his dear Silas, pupils blown wide and black. He could see the other man was half hard, pre-cum glistened from the tip of his cock, settling along his piercing. Noak momentarily loosened his grip on his hair, nodding his head at the smaller man's request.

"You want me to cum on your face, Sweetheart?" Noak whispered. "Cum all over dat pretty face like a whore?" His lips twitched into a partial smile.

"Yeah Cuddle-bear. M'your whore." Silas whimpered, nuzzling his face into Noak's soft, pudgy belly. The fine hairs, even wet from the shower, tickled his nose.

"You'll get dat,  _ kuksugar hora _ ." Noak whispered. "Settle yourself Sweetheart. Get comfortable." He commanded, softly.

Silas settled in the tub, grounding himself. The last thing he needed was to injure himself against the porcelain. He shifted with his back pressed to the narrow side. He helped to guide Noak over him, waiting as the taller man set his foot against the ledge, just over Silas's shoulder. He put one hand on Silas's head and kept himself balanced with the other pressed against the wall. Noak lowered himself towards his fíance's face, balancing his center of gravity.

Silas had one hand on Noak’s hip, the other gripped the opposite leg. He leaned his head, licking at the underside Noak’s cock, fully aroused and swollen hard. He moaned in anticipation. Noak took a moment to pet at Silas’s cheek, caressing the damp skin. He met his gaze and held a serious expression.

“Sweetheart, you tell me to stop and I will. No question. I will stop.” Noak said, making himself very clear despite his voice shaking in desperate need. "I won't hurt you, don't let yourself be uncomfortable."

Silas nodded. He trusted Noak. He knew the other man would only do what he was comfortable with and that he would never, ever hurt him intentionally.

“Yeah."  Silas sighed, squeezing his lover's thigh. “Fuck my face. I'm ready when you are, Cuddle-bear.” He whispered and kissed Noak’s cock head.

Noak moaned in response. He rested his cock against Silas’s lips and chin. He brushed back Silas’s hair. He used his thumb to wipe away water from his eyes.

Silas poked out his tongue and lapped just below the head of Noak’s thick cock. He reached a hand up and teased his balls. Silas opened his mouth, groaning as Noak slid his cock inside. Noak moaned, going slow and deep.

Silas took very controlled breaths through his nose, relaxing his jaw, taking what Noak had to give. As the head of Noak’s cock hit the back of his throat, Silas choked but quickly recovered. He groaned again, humming against the heavy cock on his tongue.

“Oh ja.” Noak sighed. “Oh fuck ja, Silas.” He breathed.

Silas held his breath as Noak’s hips gave a little jerk. Again and again his cock hit the back of Silas’s throat. Each time, Silas was ready and he took more down. His eyes welled up, tears mixing with shower water rolling over his cheeks. He felt his cock twitch in response to Noak sliding down his throat. He gripped the side of the tub in one hand and held tight to Noak’s thigh with the other. The taller man started up a controlled and steady thrust into the smaller man's mouth, fucking the wet heat until he was on the edge.

“Fuck, Silas.” Noak groaned, slowing his thrusts and letting Silas take control back. “I love my dick inside your moud,  _ kuksugar hora _ .” He said, twisting his hand in the other man's hair.

Silas whined, leaking heavily from the name calling and hair pulling. He worked Noak's cock, humming and moaning. He tongued at the shaft and he sucked along his lower belly, leaving little hickies behind. Silas took Noak's cock back into his mouth, looked up and saw that he was looking down at him.

Noak bit his lip, grunting and exhaling heavily out his nose. He picked back up his pace, roughly fucking Silas's mouth. The two had a very good sense of understanding, making the switch of control quite easily. A few more thrusts and Noak slowed down again.

Silas sucked at his foreskin, tonguing it and pulling off completely. He kissed the tip, licking around the head before taking him back in. He hollowed his cheeks and bobbed his head a few times, drawing deep groans from Noak. He pulled away, taking a few deep breaths. He took the cock back into his mouth, right to its thick base. Silas groaned around Noak and felt the taller man tighten the hold on his hair.

“So good.” Noak cried. "You… fuck… my little whore, ah, fuck… dats it, oh ja… fucking cum slut."

Silas knew his fíance was close; his moans became louder, the words less coherent, his thrusting became erratic. Silas was close himself, fully hard and leaking against his own stomach. He wouldn't touch his cock. Silas didn't want to cum. Not yet. Not like that.

“ _ Knulla. Du suger min kuk _ .” Noak rasped. His tone was deep, almost to the point of his roleplay voice. “I'm gonna cum Sweetheart.” He groaned. "Fuck, I'm gonna cum."

Noak pulled his cock from Silas’s mouth, making a wet sound. Silas gasped for air, sucking in deep breaths. Noak grunted and groaned as he started to jerk himself off until he came, releasing himself all over his boyfriend's face and neck, quite a bit ending up in his hair as well.

Silas pulled Noak down to his level, the larger man's knees buckled and they collapsed together, a tangle of bodies in the tub. Silas panted heavily against Noak’s neck. Noak was whispering praises in both English and Swedish against Silas’s ear. He reached for Silas's cock, surprised he was hard.

"No." Silas said, pushing Noak's hand away. "I don't want to cum."

"No?" Noak questioned, still blissed out from his own orgasm.

"I want to wait." Silas explained, reaching up to wipe some of Noak's cum off his cheek. "Tease me, Cuddle-bear. I want… I want orgasm denial."

Noak hummed in response. “Tonight, den.” He whispered, a promise. “Tonight I will bury my fingers deep inside you until you fall apart.”

Silas nodded. He couldn't help but laugh quietly, at how wrecked Noak was. He put his arms around him and nuzzled into his chest.

Noak made a quiet muffled sound, softly pushing Silas away. He wiped his thumb through the cum across Silas’s cheekbone. He offered the digit to Silas, pressing it to his lips. Silas took the thumb into his mouth, sucking it clean, shuddering at the taste of Noak's release.

“Noak.” Silas whispered softly.

“Silas.” Noak whispered back, lovingly.

He shifted their bodies around a little, putting Silas under the falling water, wiping his face clean. He pressed a kiss to his lips, soft and sweet. “Can you stand?” He asked him.

Silas nodded.

“Good.” Noak continued. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” He said.

Again, Silas nodded.

The two helped each other up to their feet and got to cleaning themselves. The water was losing heat quickly. Noak scrubbed Silas with the same care and intensity in which the smaller man washed him. 

Noak stepped from the shower first, moving to wrap a towel around himself. He dried quickly as Silas finished up washing his hair, having to do it twice.

Silas spent a little extra time, scrubbing between his legs and arse cheeks. He knew he was quite clean and ready to be fucked but he wanted to be extra certain of the fact. It had been some time since the couple had done more than swap a blowjob or two and Silas wanted their return to penetrative sex to be perfect and memorable.

Noak was dried by the time Silas finally left the shower, shivering from the water that was running ice cold towards the end. The taller man was waiting with an open towel, wrapping up his fíance with the soft cloth. He hugged him close and pressed kisses into his hair.

"I dought deh point of dis shower was to warm you up?" He whispered, grinning.

"It was." Silas replied. "I'm fine. Promise you, I'll be warm in no time." He smiled at Noak.

Noak took his time, drying Silas off. Running the towel over his limbs, his torso. He gave it a good ruffle over his hair. When he was certain that the shorter man was free of drips and drops, Noak dropped the towel to the floor.

Silas almost immediately jumped into Noak's arms and the taller man held him up as they kissed. The motion pressed the taller man against the wall, narrowly missing the towel rack. Noak stepped forward and Silas wrapped his legs around his hips.

"Need you inside me." Silas mumbled, biting and licking down the side of his, now fíance's neck. "Please, Noak, I want… fuck I want your fingers." He whined, grinding his hips against the taller man. Silas had lost his erection but not his desire to be teased, to be edged until he was begging to cum. "Take me to bed."

Noak didn't need to be told twice, already moving out into the hall. His hands gripped Silas's thighs, right under the small swell of his arse. Silas looped his arms around Noak's neck, holding on as he was carried down the hallway and into the bedroom. He pressed kisses to Noak's throat, dragging his lips up over his chin. He shivered at the brush of his beard over his skin. Silas gave Noak soft and gentle kisses to all his scars, kisses backed with love and reverence.

They moved to the bedroom and right to the bed. The light had been left on, and Noak bent down, resting his knees on the side of the mattress. He carefully lowered Silas back, and the smaller man pulled Noak down on top of him. Their lips crashed and the kiss was wild, both men much too eager to find an easier way about it. Lips and teeth clashed as they tried in vain to get control. Arms twisted and fingers scratched. They were a tangle of bodies, gasping and groaning.

It was Noak that broke the kiss, taking a bit of a lead in the situation. He was laughing quietly, amused at their shared desperation. He climbed off of Silas and out of bed. His breath was coming in short pants, breathless from the kissing. He looked down at Silas, naked and sprawled against the mattress.

"How did you want to do dis, Sweetheart?" He asked, already feeling his cock twitch, much quicker than he'd expected it too. He was just as excited to tease his lover, if not more so, than Silas was to be teased.

"Nice and slow, Cuddle-bear." Silas whispered, turning his body around and crawled towards the top of the bed. "I want you to tease me. Play with me as you see fit, but don't let me cum, please don't let me cum right away."

He was looking back at Noak, biting his bottom lip as he stared at him over his shoulder. The look in his eyes was sultry and just begged for Noak to touch him. He turned around, scooting back to be as close to the pillows as he could be. He left himself the room to lay sideways, if the need arose and Noak wanted him on his back.

Noak climbed fully onto the bed. He crawled closer to the other, kneeling over Silas, a knee at each hip. His strong thighs framed the smaller man beneath him. Silas had his back against the wall, the low edge of the headboard pressing just below his shoulder blades. He looked at Noak with his head tilted up. He reached out, snaking an arm around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss.

The two kissed lazily, slow and soft. Touches were lingering and drew quiet gasps. Noak tickled up and down Silas's sides, feeling the ribs beneath his skin. He was used to it but would still worry that the man wasn't eating enough. He was working to change that, ensuring Silas he'd never have to go hungry again. Silas would never be left with money troubles anymore. Silas would be loved, that he was already loved and Noak ensured that Silas was well taken care of.

Silas giggled out when Noak brushed over his flat belly. He sighed and moaned when he felt the larger man's fingers trace the thick line of hair beneath his navel. His cock jumped when Noak stroked down his thighs, dancing his fingers back up to trace the swirling lines of his tattoos.

Silas held his hands to Noak's hips, resting against them and occasionally sliding back to give his arse a good squeeze with each hand. Silas loved the feel of Noak's firm, but still soft arse. He loved Noak with all his heart and he loved every part of him with wild intensity. It baffled Silas that Noak felt the same. He knew he was happy, that Noak had asked him to marry him some day but that happy was paired with bewilderment. He knew that Noak loved him, he didn't want to question that. He wasn't quite convinced that Noak could handle his crazy, his weaker moments, his difficulties. And in an instant, Silas's mind just blanked. He had one focus and one focus alone.

Noak loosely wrapped a hand around Silas’s cock, thumb absently brushing over the piercing in the head. He still wasn't hard yet but his cock twitched in Noak’s palm. The taller man started to stroke him. Pulling away from the kiss, Silas sighed heavily. He put his hand over his fíance's, and it stilled his motions. Silas made no move to remove the hand from his cock. The sensation of being held was almost too much for the moment, but it felt so good. He didn't want it to stop.

“Please don't rush this, Love.” Silas whispered. “I want you to continue to keep me on edge. Draw out this whole ordeal as long as we can.” He said.

The tone of the request sent a jolt of pleasure through Noak’s body. He took his hand off Silas’s cock and licked over his palm. He picked up the cock again and stroked it, much slower and with more pressure.

“Anyding you want Sweetheart.” He whispered.

Noak kissed down the side of Silas’s neck and back up his throat. Their lips met again and the kiss grew deeper. Noak helped Silas lay back flat against the mattress, turning him to lay the long way, with his head to the top.

The taller man shifted down the bed, settling low against Silas’s legs. His thumb continued to tease over the head of his boyfriend's cock, pressing into the jewelry. He started to stroke him again a bit quicker as the cock was starting to fill and stiffen.

Noak leaned and peppered Silas’s chest with kisses, wet smacks of sound barely heard over quiet moans. His mouth covered a nipple, licking and sucking for a time. He heard Silas whimper and moan. He felt his lover's cock twitch again and he moved his attention to the other. Silas arched beneath his touch and sighed contently. His eyes slid closed and he relaxed, enjoying the light foreplay.

“Do you want to fuck me tonight?” Silas asked, voice wavering. “Or am I only getting your fingers?” He sighed. He inhaled sharply as Noak’s hand twisted on an upward stroke.

“What would you want me to do?” Noak asked, trailing kisses back up Silas’s neck. His lips moved over Silas’s ear, two month's worth of beard growth scratching his skin. Silas moaned, closing his eyes as he shivered.

“I want you to put your big cock inside me.” Silas whispered. He twisted a hand in Noak’s hair. His other moved between their bodies and he worked over his own cock with Noak. “But not yet.” He sighed.

Silas opened his eyes and stared at Noak. He touched his face softly. Noak stared back, once again lost in the bright green color.

“No, not yet.” Noak agreed with a soft smile.

He leaned to kiss Silas. He bit his bottom lip and sucked on it. Noak pressed a kiss to his nose and leaned away. He continued to stroke Silas when the other man pulled his hand away.

Silas moaned. He gently raked his nails up and down his Noak's back. He sat up slightly, lips seeking out the other's, hungry for more kissing. He breathed through his nose and shuddered. Silas’s cock spurted pre-cum and the skinny man groaned.

“Let me taste it.” Silas whispered.

Noak worked his fingers over his the cock head. He brought his fingers to Silas’s lips. Noak groaned and his eyes fluttered as the smaller man licked them free of the pre-cum. Noak’s hands framed Silas’s face, no longer teasing his lover's cock. The two kissed slowly, taking their time enjoying the simplicity of it and how it made the fires in their lower bellies flare.

“Can I turn you over?” Noak whispered. His lips broke away from Silas’s, to kiss behind his ear. The smaller man's hips jerked and a drawn out groan passed his lips.

“Yeah.” He moaned.

Noak smiled against the skin connecting Silas’s neck to shoulder. He pulled away and helped the other sit further up. He touched his hips as he turned him to lay down on his front. Noak gathered up a pillow, placing it under Silas, keeping his semi-erection off the mattress below. Noak positioned Silas’s cock to lay in a manner he had access to his piercing. He leaned down and over Silas. His broader chest pressing against his back.

“Just relax for me, Sweetheart. Relax.” Noak  whispered, kissing the side of his neck a few times. “I am going to go real slow, just as you want me too. I'm going to make dis really good for you, my little whore, okay? I am going to make you beg for it.” He said. "You will beg, won't you Sweetheart?"

“Oh fuck.” Silas groaned. He nodded his head, all other words failing him. "Oh, fuck yes." He said through gritted teeth. Noak was tickling up and down the split between his arse cheeks.

Noak straddled over Silas, resting against the back of his thighs. His hands moved up and down Silas’s back. He alternated between hard and soft touches. He tickled and teased, earning giggles and sighs from the other man. He rubbed harder, working out tense knots and kneading the skin, drawing out deep moans and breathy curses. He felt as Silas's skin started to warm under his touch.

If Silas asked for more, Noak gave him more. When Silas got quiet, Noak changed things up to make him moan. Pushing his hair aside, Noak kissed and licked at the nape of Silas’s neck. He pressed a kiss to the place behind his ear. He repeated the action on the other side. Noak trailed his kisses down over Silas’s shoulder blades. His fingers too, trailed down, always a few steps ahead of his lips. He gave the shorter man's hips a squeeze and kissed down his spine. His tongue traced up and down every bump and divot. The shorter man was shaking, sighing deeply into his arms, that were folded beneath his face.

"Noak." Silas whimpered as the other man took a firm hold on his arse cheeks. He whined when Noak squeezed tightly, then let go.

Noak kissed back up Silas's spine, sucking a small hickey into the nape of his neck. The smaller man groaned, grinding his hips into the pillow underneath him.

"Don't do dat, Sweetheart." Noak whispered, biting at Silas's ear. "We're taking dis slow, just like you wanted."

Silas groaned loudly and stilled his hips. He was making breathy, gasping sounds as Noak worked back down his body once more. The touches were light and tickled over sensitive skin. When Noak’s kisses reached the dip at the small of his boyfriend's back he stopped. Silas made a sound in protest. Noak shushed him, shifting back up, mouth back to kissing his neck. He kissed up and down his jaw.

“Have patience.” Noak sighed into his ear.

Noak’s lips pressed kisses under Silas’s chin. He softly bit along his jaw. He nibbled at his ear. His hands moved down his body, stilling against his hips. Noak shifted his body down once more, and gave a sharp nip to the curve of Silas’s behind.

A tiny gasp, then a moan passed Silas’s lips. Noak’s fingers trailed lower, a palm set against each cheek. Noak gave his arse a firm squeeze and Silas moaned again. Noak kissed the small of his back again, dragging his lips down, kissing over the fading marks left by his hands on his skin. Tongue and teeth worked their way down the left side of Silas’s arse and over his thigh. Noak’s right index finger lightly grazed over his fíance's balls a time or two. Lazy grazes, up and down. Silas stuttered a moan at the touch.

The smaller man rocked his hips, unable to stop himself. He whined when Noak squeezed him hard enough to still him. His breath came in raspy pants as Noak nuzzled against him and gently parted his cheeks. He gasped loudly when Noak’s tongue made contact with his arsehole. The scratch of his beard between Silas's cheeks made Silas cry out in pleasure.

“Oh Christ…” Silas groaned. “Oh, fuck yeah.” He whined.

Noak’s tongue pressed flat to the ring of muscle. Rapid breaths passed over Silas’s lips as teasing touches returned to his balls. Silas jerked his hips at the sensation. He was beginning to pant again, needy for more of the delicious sensation.

“Yes.” He groaned over and over, taking hold of the edge of the mattress and gripping it tightly in his hands. His knuckles were white and he gently rolled his hips back, against Noak's face.

Noak used his tongue to prod at the entrance and Silas really enjoyed it. Silas was mumbling words; words that made little sense. The feelings were unreal. It was warm, it was wet and God did it feel good. Noak didn’t do it often, maybe once or twice before, but Silas loved every second of it.

Silas could feel his cock twitching again, he gently rocked his hips into the pillows below. His cock moved against the pillow. He leaked a lot more pre-cum, dripping onto the mattress. Silas bit his lower lip and hissed as Noak shifted against the bed, tonguing at his perineum, and reaching his hand to cover his balls. Noak teased his cock piercing with his thumb. After a time, Noak suddenly stopped and got up from the bed.

“No.” Silas cried out. “Fuck. Wh-why… why did you stop?” He whined.

Noak leaned over and gave his fíances hip a squeeze. He was smiling though Silas couldn't see it. He laughed quietly to himself.

“You will dank me later.” He said lightly.

He pressed a kiss to Silas’s shoulder and moved away. After obtaining their bottle of lube from the night table drawer, Noak settled back against the mattress with Silas. He traced his finger down his spine, making the other man shudder. He leaned down close to his ear, kissing the sensitive skin behind the shell.

“I am going to tease you open, Sweetheart.” Noak breathed. “Den you are gonna ride my fingers, like deh little slut you are, until you just about cum.” The words were hot against Silas’s skin.

Silas was breathing heavily. His eyes were blinking closed. So focused on Noak’s words, he never caught on to the prep work he'd done.

“But you won't cum.” Noak whispered. "You won't dare cum until I tell you dat you may do so."

Silas groaned obscenely at the feel of Noak's lube slick finger circling and pressing at his hole. He pushed his hips against his hand, silently asking, praying that he'd slip that finger inside. Silas then realized Noak was still talking.

“Den what is going to happen, I am going to fuck you.” Noak said. “You are going to cum wid me inside you.” He whispered, leaning close to bite his ear.

Silas groaned and pressed his hips back, trying again for more contact.

“Eager?” Noak whispered, kissing down his lover's neck.

“Yes.” Silas moaned.

Noak made a tsking sound. “I am too but do not rush it Sweetheart.” He said. His lips moved over the curve of Silas's neck. “We are taking dis slow, just like you said, just like you wanted it.” He said.

Silas held his breath, feeling Noak slip two fingers inside his hole to the first knuckle.

Silas gasped, surprised and relieved in equal measure. “Oh yeah.” He whined. He sucked in a breath, holding it as he acclimated to the welcomed intrusion. He just loved having Noak's fingers inside him, so much bigger than his own, much more filling. He released the breath and bit his lip as Noak pulled his fingers out and pressed back in again, over and over.

“Up.” Noak growled into Silas’s ear.

Silas got upright on his knees, feeling Noak’s fingers slide deeper inside him, all the way in to their bases. Noak kissed at his lover’s neck again, licking over the tendon as he whimpered and cried out for more. Noak was quick to please and added a third finger, going to the base right away.

“Yes.” Silas keened. “Fuck yes. Oh fuck me. Fuck me.” He babbled. His hips moved back against the three fingers inside him. Noak held very still, letting Silas rock his hips, setting the pace. Noak would let him continue, so long as he wasn't getting too close to his climax.

“So fucking tight, Sweetheart.” Noak whispered. He pulled the three digits out and pushed back in two. He moved his other hand up and took Silas by the chin. He turned the shorter man’s face towards his own and kissed his lips hungrily.

Silas kissed back. It was sloppy and needy. He kissed him until his body jerked and he cried out as Noak began to scissor his fingers. His body stretched open. Silas wanted, no needed more.

“Oh fuck. Fuck, Cuddle-bear, this feels so good.” Silas cried as Noak brushed his prostate.

Noak nuzzled Silas's chest, pressing a kiss below one of his pectoral muscles. "You make deh most beautiful cries." He mumbled into the skin and bit down, more gently than Silas usually preferred. Noak took the time to add additional lube to his fingers.

Silas's eyes slipped closed and his mouth was opened just a bit. He was panting evenly. His hips worked back, matching the thrust of what was now three fingers again. 

“Shit Silas.” Noak breathed hotly. “I wish you could see yourself right now.” He sighed.

Noak pushed his fingers in and out, curling them every few thrusts to brush over that sweet spot inside his lover. Silas was leaning against him. His eyes rolled back and his chest heaving.

“Gods, I wish you could see how you look coming undone for me.” Noak whispered. "My desperate little whore."

Silas whined at the name calling. “Perhaps we should do this in front of a mirror next time.” He joked, breathily. The amusement was short lived as Noak’s fingers pressed into his prostate once more.

Silas called out, a flash of sensory overload washing through him, and then he was moaning. He was moaning loud and deep. He rode, as Noak had promised would happen, his fingers. He was panting and desperate for release.

“Close.” He groaned.

Silas reached for his own cock and stroked himself. He was half hard. He closed his eyes and groaned wordlessly. He rocked back onto Noak’s hand and whimpered. He sobbed when Noak pushed his hand away from his cock. He cried out when Noak added a fourth finger. The stretch was pleasing but it hurt, just a little, and Silas loved it.

“Oh shit, Noak. I’m real close.” He whispered. His breath became more labored and his backward thrusts became erratic.

Noak raked nails down the front of Silas’s body, lightly scraping over the skin. He pinched a nipple. He tickled over his belly. He traced the course hair of his happy trail.

Silas’s erection was full, hard and leaking. Noak curled his fingers inside him again he took hold of his dripping cock with his other. He used his thumb and smeared the pre-cum around the tip. Silas opened his mouth but not a sound came out. Noak lightly flicked at the piercing through the head and Silas shuddered and moaned loudly.

“Do not cum.” Noak whispered.

Silas let out a sob. “Oh please… I’m close, please let me cum.” He said.

Noak gave the base of his cock a firm squeeze. “Not yet.” He commanded.

Silas groaned, fucking himself down over Noak’s fingers. He pressed back, hoping that with each thrust he’d cum. He was right there. His vision started going white around the edges and suddenly Noak pulled his fingers away, sliding from his arsehole.

“Fuck!” Silas called out. “Fuck you.” He sobbed, voice cracking.

He heard Noak laugh quietly, felt the puff of warm air over his ear and the rumble in his chest.

“The idea is dat I will fuck you.” Noak whispered, dipping his head and kissing at the junction of neck and shoulder.

“Please.” Silas whined. “You can fuck me all night, just please let me cum first. I take it back, I don't want to wait. Please, oh God, please.” He added.

Noak turned Silas’s face back to his own. He looked at how sweaty the smaller man was, how wide his eyes were. “Where do you want to cum?” Noak questioned.

“I- I don’t care.” Silas said, breathless and whimpering. He gave his hips a little thrust, Noak’s fingers still around his cock. Noak gave his hand a tighter squeeze.

“Tell me where and I might let you.” Noak said. He released his grip on his fíance's cock.

“Your mouth.” Silas answered in a rush of air.

Noak nuzzled against Silas’s neck. He took Silas’s earlobe between his teeth and gave a little nip. He kissed the bite and moved around to kiss Silas on the mouth. As they kissed, Noak pushed Silas back against the bed. He was quick to move over him and wasted no time moving down his body. He took his boyfriend's cock head into his mouth. Silas groaned, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes.

Noak took what he could into his mouth, piercing tapping the top of his mouth. He gagged and pulled up so he could tongue the head. His hand closed around what he couldn't get into his mouth and he reached with a few fingers to tease at Silas’s ball sack once more. The shorter man made such wonderful sounds when Noak stroked his balls. Silas was babbling, rolling his hips, careful and mindful of Noak’s mouth, appreciative of the licking and sucking and entranced with the head bobbing. Silas started to watch Noak, then let his eyes slip closed, his heart was pounding in his chest.

“Nn-Nnoa-” Silas struggled to get out the name. “Oh shit, Love.” He whispered.

Noak managed to get his other hand back under Silas and briefly teased at his stretched hole. He pressed two fingers inside and took his cock a little deeper one last time. He pulled back from his cock and buried his fingers deep inside Silas’s. Silas threw his head back, his body bowed off the bed. He came hard. He came all over himself and Noak. He collapsed back onto the mattress and blindly grasped for Noak’s hand.

“Fuck me right now.” Silas said, body shuddering violently from his recent climax. "Noak, please. I need your cock. I need it now."

Noak leaned back, searching for the bottle of lube. Finding it, he popped open the lid and squeezed a good amount into his palm. He dropped the bottle and brought his hands together, warming the slick liquid. He used both of his hands, covering his cock with it. He groaned at his own touch. Continuing to stroke himself with one hand, he moved the other back towards Silas's arse. He added extra lube, fingering him just a bit more. The shorter man moaned. He sounded desperate.

“Just, fuck. Do it. I'm ready.” Silas huffed out.

His body moved fluidly as Noak lifted his hips higher, bending a leg back. Noak pushed into Silas, groaning at his tight heat. A long and drawn out, oh, passed over Silas’s lips. He loved the feel of Noak filling him. Noak rubbed circles against Silas’s thigh. He pressed a kiss to the bend in his knee. He murmured words in Swedish. His movements were slow but once he was buried deep to the hilt, he pulled out only to slam back in.

Silas cried out. “Yes.” He said.

Noak did it again and again. Each thrust got harder. His pace sped up. The sounds Silas made were louder and his breath more labored. Noak’s thrusts got harder, pounding into Silas over and over and over again.

“Fuck me. Yes. Oh fuck yeah.” Silas whined. "Fuck me, I'm your whore. Fuck me. Oh God, Noak, fuck me like your little slut." Silas was beyond the point of no return. There wasn't a snowflake's chance in Hell he'd get hard but he didn't think it impossible to cum again.

Noak pounded his hips into Silas. His murmurs turned to grunts. His eyes fixed on Silas’s cock, leaking all over his own chest. He looked up at his lover's face, contorted in pure pleasure. Noak gave a final thrust, eyes screwed shut and he came, deep inside Silas. His name tore from his throat.

Noak rode out the orgasm, pleased with himself that Silas too, had cum again. Noak pulled out, setting Silas back gently to the bed. He rolled over and collapsed alongside Silas, heart racing and utterly spent.

Silas turned to hug Noak with his entire body. His nerves still singing as result of his duel climaxes. He buried his face against his lover's neck, kissing and licking over sweaty skin. His lips worshipped the man they touched. It was slow, a wind down. It was a last ditch effort for contact before sleep took over. Silas groaned into Noak's neck, feeling the other's cum sliding out, the sensation something Silas just loved to feel happen.

Noak adored how clingy Silas could be after sex. He savored the closeness, knowing there would always be times when Silas would be distant.

“Sweetheart.” Noak whispered, hand coming to rest against his hip. Silas made a quiet sound in acknowledgment.

“I need to go get someding to clean us up.” He said.

Silas stopped kissing him and nodded. “Okay.” He said quietly. He still made a sound in protest when the other man got up. He watched him with one eye open, headed for the door, presumably to get a flannel from the bathroom.

“You have a cute butt.” Silas said with a tired smile. He laughed at himself for the silly compliment.

Noak gave his hips a little shake and smiled back at Silas.

Silas huffed another quiet laugh and closed both eyes. He was exhausted. He was sticky. He was the most relaxed he felt in weeks. He nearly dozed off. His fingers trailed through a mix of their cum and Silas ate it. He did this several times. He moaned at the taste of it.

" _ Snygg hora. _ " Noak whispered, kneeling down at his fíance's side.

Silas's eyes opened when Noak returned, plunking into bed next to him. In his hands was a bowl of warm soapy water and a clean flannel.

Noak dipped the cloth into the water and brought it to Silas’s skin, wiping away what was left of the mess they'd made. His touch was light and his cleaning thorough. Dipping the cloth again, Noak made work of washing his soft cock, gently doing so, as he knew how sensitive his lover was after cumming. Silas whimpered. Noak washed lower, over his balls and down his thighs, wiping away semen and lube. When Noak got to his bottom, Silas spread his legs for easier access. He hissed, biting his lip and let out a moan. He was a bit sore, fucked open and raw. Noak leaned close to his ear, whispering calming things and pressing kisses to sweaty skin.

Silas smiled at Noak as the other man sat back, wiping himself clean. A shower was in definite need but it could wait for the night. He turned to put the bowl and flannel onto the night table. He pulled the top sheet from underneath them and dropped it to the floor. He’d do the laundry tomorrow but was quite pleased they wouldn't have to sleep in a wet spot.

Noak looked back down at Silas. His fíance's eyes were watery and he looked on the verge of passing out.

“I love you, you know?” Silas whispered. He reached up and pressed his hand over Noak’s chest. He yawned, curling his fingers into Noak's chest hair.

“No, I did not know dat.” Noak teased.

He put his hand over Silas’s and closed his fingers around his. He held both to his chest and he moved to lay down. Silas was too exhausted to catch the tease. His eyes closed.

“Hmm, well I do.” Silas mumbled. He snuggled down into bed, curling up to Noak. Noak reached blindly for the duvet and pulled it up around them. By the time he reached to turn out the light, Silas was quietly snoring.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter contains a severe psychotic episode. Description of child abuse and traumatic flashbacks.**

December 24, 1989

The sound of heavy footsteps approaching, echoed in the hall. The stomp of boots against hardwood floors alerted Silas, age six, that someone was coming towards the room he shared with his younger sister. The steps were too loud to be the sound of four year old Ruth.

Panicking, Silas didn't know what to do with what he'd been looking at. As a last resort, he shoved what was in his hand underneath his pillow just as the door swung open and hit the wall with a resounding bang.

"Are you intentionally ignoring your mother or are you deaf and dumb you miserable boy?" It was Silas's father. He never looked pleased to see Silas but there was an extra something in his expression that let the small boy know he was in a lot of trouble.

"I didn't hear her." Silas whispered, voice shaking. His eyes darted to the bed, checking that what he'd been looking at was in fact concealed from view.

"I'm sure." Mr. Langston said and crossed the room. "What are you trying to hide from me?" He asked, roughly shoving Silas to the side so hard he stumbled.

"N-nothing." Silas stuttered out in a whisper. He caught himself on the night table and managed to find his footing. He didn't outwardly reacted, already used to being treated in such a poor way. It had happen his whole life.

"You lie like the filthy sinner you are boy." Mr. Langston said and glared down at Silas as he pushed the pillow aside, revealing what the six year old had shoved underneath. "What's this?" He asked, lifting a greeting card from the bed.

The greeting card was given to Silas at school by girl named Michelle. She was one of Silas's only friends and she'd brought in Christmas cards to give to the class before their holiday break. Inside the card was the standard greeting, 'Happy Christmas and a Joyous New Year'. It was addressed to Silas and signed by Michelle. The issue with it was, the front cover was an artist's painting of Father Christmas. That was a big no-no in the Langston household.

"What is this filth?" Mr. Langston asked, waving the card in Silas's face. "You know this trash isn't welcome in our home. You should have told this," He looked back at the card, "Michelle, that Christmas is about the birth of Christ, nothing more. You should have denied that card. You are not to speak with Michelle again. She's poisoning your mind with the Devil's work. Your mother and I bend over backwards to fix you Silas Michael, save you from the Devil himself and you dare bring this into our house? You're ungrateful. You're worthless trash and you don't even try to be better."

"I am grateful, Father." Silas cried, unable to keep it together any longer. He tried to be strong but when his father would yell, he had a tendency to break down. "I'm sorry."

"Do not apologize to me, boy. You get on your knees and you pray for God's forgiveness." Mr. Langston spat and pushed Silas down to the floor. "You just lost your chance to have Christmas dinner with our family. You stay in here and you pray that your pitiful soul may be saved."

"I'm sorry." Silas whimpered again, tears flowing heavily and his breath coming out in little hiccups. "I'm sorry Father, I didn't mean to bring the Devil into the house." He was up on his knees, facing the bed with his hands clasped, ready to pray.

"And stop this crying!" Mr.Langston said and smacked the child upside the head. "You look like a fool. Men don't cry, not unless it's their daughter's wedding or birth of a son."

The smack only made Silas cry even harder. He sobbed and sniffled, trying to catch his breath. His father reached out and grabbed him by the back of the shirt collar, hoisting him up onto his wobbly legs. His cheeks were wet and red. His eyes puffy and swollen.

"I said enough with the crying!" Mr. Langston shouted, bending down to look Silas in the face. "I'll give you a reason to cry if you don't stop this right now."

Silas stopped crying out but the tears still fell. He was shaking and had his eyes cast to the floor. He hiccuped and with it, a sob slipped past his lips.

His father wasted no time, grabbing Silas by the arm, held him up and gave him a hard and swift spanking for continued tears. It only made the small boy cry out harder and his knees buckled as his father hit him again and again.

The sound of laughter could be heard from the door. It was coming from the Langston's two eldest sons, Mark who was sixteen and Luke who just turned twelve. The two boys hated Silas and got much enjoyment watching him be punished. Often, the two beat on Silas in their own time and it wasn't like their parents stopped it from happening. The brothers were hardly ever in trouble, spoiled to the point of being rotten. They got away with everything.

Eventually, Mr. Langston released his hold on Silas's arm and the boy fell to his knees. He was hurting, he felt humiliated and he just knelt there, silently looking at the floor again.

"You can forget about breakfast with the family too." Mr. Langston said, walking towards his two older sons. "Start praying Silas. Our Lord works in mysterious ways and He just might help you break this obsession with Satan."

Silas didn't move, he didn't react to the words his father said. He felt himself shaking and he hated how much pain he was in. It wasn't right for anyone to be in pain, to harbor such self hatred. It was worse, being so young. Silas was thankful though. He'd been beaten and spanked much worse in his short life, than he had just been. He waited until the door was closed and the footsteps of his father and brothers retreated towards the stairs before he let himself collapse down on the floor. He cried, trying so very hard to keep himself quiet.

His stomach hurt. Silas was hungry and he'd just been denied the next two meals. He stared at the space under his bed, laying there motionless. He knew that his father was right. He was reminded on the daily that he was born of sin and deserved everything he got. He was thankful that he had a home, at least. He didn't understand at his young age that what was happening to him was not right. He accepted it as it was and he did the only thing he knew that he could. And that was put up with it. If it meant the Devil was being cast out of him, he almost expected it.

His movements were stiff but he pushed himself up and crawled towards the end of the bed. He leaned up against it and folded his hands, ready to pray. He knelt up a little straighter and he closed his eyes.

"Dear God," He started, voice weak and shaking. "I am sorry to bother you on the day you are meant to celebrate the birth of your only son but I ask that you take the time to hear me." He sniffled again and wiped his arm across his face, clearing it of snot and tears.

"Please, if you could tell Jesus I wish him a happy birthday, I'd like to ask you a few things after that." The small boy paused, giving God the chance to wish his son a happy birthday.

"I ask that you find it in your heart to forgive a worthless sinner like me." Silas continued. "I have been bad and I do not mean to be how I am. I upset my mother and my father and I brought the Devil into this house. I am ashamed of my behavior and my parents, they are doing your work to fix me. I am only six years old but I can do better. I know I can. I am going to grow up and be a priest, telling the families here in Bath of your glory and love. I want to do that but if I keep being bad I might not be so good at it. Please, God, if you can help me find the light. I am sorry for being what I am. The priest at our church says that you are all forgiving and I believe him. Please find it in yourself to forgive me God. This is Silas, Silas Langston by the way, I think maybe I should have said that first. I pray every day but I get confused. I think you know who I am but incase you don't, I will remind you. This is Silas Langston, like I said."

"I will let you get back to whatever it is you do in Heaven and I thank you for your time." He said. "And please send your blessings to my family. They are having Christmas dinner. I am sure you will hear my father say grace. I think you're busy so I'm gonna go now. Amen."

Silas opened his eyes and got up on his feet. His arm hurt and his backside hurt but he tried to ignore the pain he was feeling. Not entirely sure what to do with his time, he decided that he would change into his pajamas. He would sit and read until he felt tired enough to sleep.

The only pajamas that Silas had to wear were hand-me-downs that had come from his brothers. They all fit too large but his parents refused to dress him in anything new, unless they were going to church. In public, Silas needed to look presentable.

He looked inside his closet and picked out a shirt and tie to wear at mass the following morning. He wondered if he was going to be allowed to go. He set the clothes onto the top of his dresser and grabbed his bible from the bookshelf he shared with Ruth.

Silas had learned to read when he was only four and it was something he taught himself to do. His family often left him to his own devices when he wasn't meant to do his chores and be in school. His ability to read was only encouraged when he started school at age five. He was two reading levels ahead of his class.

Settled down under his small bed, Silas opened his bible and started to read. Six year olds had little concept of time so he wasn't sure how long he did so. He read the story about Christmas, knowing that was what his family would be doing after they finished with dinner. After some more time, he fell asleep, laying with his arms folded over the book and his head resting on his hands.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

December 25, 2011

"No." Silas cried out in his sleep. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Stop it." He was flailing his arms and legs, the movement waking his fíance.

Noak opened his eyes. He was groggy. It was the middle of the night, close to two thirty. It took a moment to realize what had woken him from such a deep and restful sleep. When he heard Silas cry out again, he immediately felt more awake. He reached over and turned on the bedside lamp. He looked at the other man.

Silas was fast asleep, face twisted in anguish. He was tossing about. His cheeks were wet with tears. His body was rolled up, tied into the covers, his pillow bunched up and pressed against the headboard. Silas was laying on his back with his head flat on the mattress. He was whining and whimpering and Noak decided then that he couldn't let the obvious nightmare continue to distress the sleeping man.

"Silas." Noak said softly, placing his hand delicately on the sleeping man's chest. "Sweetheart, wake up."

"Stop. Stop this please." Silas whimpered, kicking his legs in the tangle of bedding. He was still asleep, unresponsive to Noak's attempt to wake him.

"Silas, wake up." Noak said, a little louder, shaking him gently.

"Don't touch me!" Silas gasped, smacking Noak across the chest as he startled awake and sat up in bed.

Noak didn't take the smack personally and in honesty, Silas hadn't hit him that hard. "Sweetheart?" He whispered, unsure how the other man was going to react at that point.

"Get away." Silas said, moving himself away, shifting from the taller man. He scrambled back and fell out of bed, hitting the floor with a loud thunk.

Noak worried he might have hit his head and was instantly on his feet, rushing to Silas's side. He hadn't any idea if the other man was hurt by the fall from the bed. He looked okay, if not a little dazed.

"Don't touch me. Get away from me." Silas yelled, kicking his legs up and towards Noak.

"Silas? It's me." Noak said, keeping his distance but not leaving his side. If he had to guess, Silas was either not quite awake yet or slipping into psychosis. "It's Noak."

Silas stopped kicking but the look on his face remained one of fear and distrust. He looked up at Noak but it appeared that he didn't recognize him.

"I didn't mean it. I'm sorry." Silas whispered and his face crumpled as more tears started to fall.

"Didn't mean what?" Noak asked quietly, getting down on his knees to look at Silas on the same level.

"Stop it." Silas hiccuped, shifting himself back until he hit his night table. "I said I was sorry. Don't do this."

Noak closed his eyes and sighed. Silas was definitely not present. Physically, yes, the man was there but his mind was somewhere else. He clearly was in a moment of detachment from reality. When he opened his eyes he found Silas staring at him and in his eyes was deep rooted terror.

"Don't hit me." Silas sobbed. "Please, just leave me alone. I'm sorry. Don't hit me again."

Noak felt his heart clench then ache. He hated seeing Silas in any form of pain or confusion but something about what he had said really got to him. He knew the parts of Silas's past that hurt him and to see him like this, probably remembering things he'd like to forget, it broke Noak's heart.

"Sweetheart." Noak whispered, frowning. "Silas, it's me. It's Noak. I would never, ever hit you. You were having a bad dream. Do you know where you are?"

"Home." Silas whispered. His reply was correct but in his mind, Silas was not in his current home. Silas believed he was back in Bath, back with the monsters that hurt him. Noak had no way of knowing that.

"Dat's right Sweetheart, you're home." Noak said, smiling in an encouraging way.

Silas didn't react. He dropped his eyes to the floor and his chest was heaving. He struggled to control his breathing. He closed his eyes tightly and brought his hands up to cover the top of his head.

"I was, I was hungry. She only tried to help." Silas cried. "Please, please stop this."

"Shit." Noak muttered under his breath. He was at a loss. He got up on his feet and left the room. He didn't want to leave Silas but he thought to grab his tranquilizers and a glass of water. He'd never seen Silas have an episode like this.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

December 24, 1989

A gentle tickle against his nose woke Silas from his sleep. He thought maybe it was a moth or some other bug. He reached up and swatted it away.

"Wake up seepy head." A small and quiet voice said, speaking very close to Silas's face. It was the soft, sweet voice of Ruth.

"Hi." Silas whispered, opening one eye and looking at his sister.

She grinned at him and gave his cheek a poke. "You seeping wrong." She said with a quiet giggle.

Silas was confused by her words but when he realized he'd been laying under his bed and was not tucked under his covers on top, he caught her meaning.

"I fell asleep." He explained. "I was, um, I was reading."

"I bring you this." Ruth whispered and pulled a buttered dinner roll from behind her back.

Silas's eyes lit up. He crawled out from under the bed and he stood there, waiting for Ruth to stand up. She was two years younger but stood the same height. She held the snack out to him and he took the roll, scarfing it down.

"Thank you." He said, licking the butter from his fingers. "How did you get that up here?" He asked, curious to know how she snuck the food up to him. Surely their parents made it well known that Silas was to go to bed hungry. They never did hid their disdain for Silas from their other three children. Proudly announcing his daily punishments.

Silas climbed up onto his bed and sat there with his legs dangling over the side. They ached and were bruised under the cover of his pajama legs.

"In my pocket." Ruth whispered. "Mummy doesn't know."

She smiled at her brother. Ruth liked Silas. She thought he was funny and was fascinated with his green eyes. She didn't know anybody else with green eyes.

"She'll know now." The voice came from the eldest of the Langston brothers, Mark. He was standing in the doorway of the room Silas and Ruth shared.

"No." Silas said, eyes wide in fear as Mark walked closer to the side of his bed.

Ruth hurried away and climbed into her own bed, covering herself with the blankets. She didn't like Mark, not at all.

"No? Why shouldn't I tell on you, you're not supposed to have anything to eat. Father said so." The teen said, glaring at Silas.

"Please, please don't tell them." Silas whimpered. "It will get Ruthie into trouble too."

Mark laughed at him and shook his head. "No it won't." He said and he reached out and pulled Silas out of bed by his hair, flinging him to the floor but not letting go. Silas started to whimper. "You know that they adore little Ruthie. It's you they despise. And I'm not fond of you either." He stood with his foot pressed between Silas's shoulder blades.

Silas cried out when he fully hit the floor hard, Mark shoving him down. "Stop it. Oww. Don't touch me." He said, too weak to push the teen off his back.

Mark kicked Silas in the side and waited before he did it again. "Don't you tell me what to do. I'm older than you and can do what I want." He kicked Silas once more and the smaller boy started to cry harder.

"I'm sorry." Silas whispered, rolling off of his belly and pushing the side of his face against the floor. He curled up into a fetal position, bracing himself for another kick. He sobbed out when the kick came, landing right at his tailbone. "I'm sorry I ate the roll. I was, I was hungry."

"Stop crying you filthy sinner." Mark spat. "You disgrace this family. You deserve everything you get." He shouted.

"Stop it, please, you're hurting me." Silas whimpered, sniffling and crying as the kicks turned into slaps to the back of his head.

"Get up and fight back you worthless shit." Mark said, a sickening amusement in his tone.

Ruth gasped at the use of the curse word but said nothing else.

"If you want me to stop, make me." Mark yelled, swinging his leg back before kicking Silas hard.

Silas screamed but he didn't move from his position on the floor. He knew that he wasn't strong enough to fight back. Mark was much older and nearly three times his size.

"I said get up." Mark yelled, dropping to his knees and wailing on Silas's back and shoulders with tightly clenched fists.

"Oww. Stop it. Stop it Mark, please." Silas cried. "Oww. Don't hit me."

"Don't tell me what to do." Mark said, flinging his arm and knocking Silas hard in the back of the head. The small boy screamed out in pain. He had bitten his lip when his chin hit the floor and started bleeding.

"Mark, you stop it!" Ruth said, peeking out from under the covers. "Stop hitting him. It's not his fault."

"Shut up Ruth!" Mark said to his sister. "Shut up or your next." He threatened.

His words stopped the girl's protest but he paid no mind to her after that.

"Don't hurt her." Silas cried, very protective of the only one in that family that showed him any form of decency.

"Shut up, sinner." Mark yelled and kicked Silas hard in the back. He pulled Silas up by his hair and threw him hard against the floor again.

Silas was crying loudly, shaking from the pain. He closed his eyes, trying to tell himself they only did this to him because he had the Devil in him.

"Mark! You should be in bed. We have to be up early." Their mother called from downstairs. She made no comment about what was going on. Made no indication that she cared that Silas was crying and screaming.

"I guess you're reminded enough for the night how useless you are to this family. I'm bored of you anyway" Mark said and spit on his brother. He got up on his feet and gave one final kick to Silas's bruised up body and walked out, leaving the door open.

Silas stayed down on the floor and cried. He cried and cried some more. He made sure to be quiet about it. He didn't want his father coming in again. He eventually climbed into his bed and cried himself to sleep. Ruth was tucked up in her bed and soon, she too drifted off.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

December 25, 2011

Noak returned to the bedroom and saw that Silas wasn't there. He started to panic, not knowing where his fíance had gone. He was certain he didn't see him leave the room. He stood at the foot of the bed, pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other. That's when he heard the sound of Silas crying. It was coming from under the bed.

Walking around to Silas's side, he set the medicine and water down on his night table. Noak knelt down on his knees before laying down the best he could in the small space between the bed and the wall. He looked under the bed and saw Silas laying on his back, tracing fingers along the bottom of the box spring.

The small man just fit under the bed and he was cramped and uncomfortable. He was sobbing periodically, keeping his attention on the invisible patterns he was drawing against the bottom of the bed. He was lost in his own mind, having vivid memories of Christmas, 1989.

Most of Silas's Christmases played out in similar fashion. Not all were so brutal but none had been pleasant. It was memories like that that made him hate the holiday.

"Silas?" Noak said, keeping his voice low to not give his fíance a fright. "Silas, it's Noak. Please, talk to me. What's going on inside your head? Are you alright, Sweetheart?"

Silas wasn't alright. He didn't respond. He was so caught up in his own delusion, the delusion that he was being beat upon all over again, that he wasn't aware that Noak was even trying to talk to him.

"Stop." He muttered, crunching his face up as his sobs became more frequent. "Stop. Stop. Stop." He repeated, slamming his hand into the bed frame. With each hit of the solid wood, the word stop passed his lips. "Stop it, you're hurting me."

Noak reached out and stuck his arm under the bed. He took Silas by his arm, stopping him from continuing to bang his hand. He hated to interfere with what was happening but if Silas kept it up with the same intensity he would have broken his hand. For a moment, he just held onto him.

"Stop!" Silas screeched when Noak touched him. "Let go of me. I'm sorry." He cried, trying to pull away.

Noak tightened his grip, careful not to squeeze too hard. "Silas, no. I have to get you out from under dere." Noak said, feeling terrible that he had to put Silas in a situation he didn't want to be in. But he hated the idea of Silas hurting himself more.

"Let me go. Let me go." Silas cried louder.

Once Noak had him pulled from underneath the bed, he rolled onto his front and it put his arm at a weird angle. Noak let go of him and Silas curled up into a tight ball. He was shaking and his sobs started to sound like quiet gags. He'd worked himself up to the point of feeling ill.

Noak wanted nothing more than to hold Silas, whisper to him that everything was going to be okay but he knew the wise decision was to let him be. He knew that trying to touch him again would result in more upset and the possibility that one or both of them ending up hurt. He didn't know what to do. He thought maybe he should call Andrea, she'd know what to do. But it was nearly three am on Christmas morning, calling his therapist wasn't a viable option. Noak knew he couldn't leave Silas the way he was. He knew that something had to be done, he just didn't know what. He debated taking him to hospital, but knew that Silas wouldn't like that. He was starting to think that liking it or not, Silas had to go.

The sound of Silas retching and getting sick all over the floor snapped Noak from his thoughts. He sat himself up and looked over at Silas. He very carefully moved him away from the mess on the bedroom floor. He'd expected a reaction but Silas made no move. He was still awake, staring out at nothing in particular, just distant and dazed.

"Silas." Noak tried again, looking over Silas from behind but the smaller man hadn't budged. He stayed in the exact spot he was moved to and just stared out in front of him.

"Silas? Please, say someding." Noak whispered, putting his hand against the shorter man's hip. "I don't, I don't know what I am supposed to do." He sighed, defeated.

"No. No Silas." The smaller whispered very softly and completely monotone.

"What does dat even mean?" Noak asked, curling his fingers around the hip he was resting against.

"Silas isn't here." Silas whispered. He was still staring off with his back to Noak.

"Where is he?" Noak whispered, just going with it. The entire situation was fucked but at least he had him talking.

"Away." Silas replied. "Silas went away."

"Will Silas come back?" Noak inquired, shifting to lay himself down behind the smaller man. He put his arm around him.

Silas didn't relax into the embrace, nor did he pull away from it. He didn't reply.

"Silas, why won't you talk to me? When will you come back?" Noak asked.

Nothing. 

"Sweetheart?" Noak whispered, feeling choked up. He was upset the other man stopped responding again. He gave him a gentle squeeze and Silas let out a quiet huff through his nose.

"Is dis because I upset you?" Noak whispered, his own fear about the surprise engagement coming to the surface. "Did I fuck dis up wid buying you dat ring?" He could feel tears prickle the back of his eyelids.

There was a long period of silence between the two. Noak fought off crying and Silas did absolutely nothing.

"Come back." Silas whispered, sliding out of Noak's arms. He sat up and climbed to his feet.

"Silas?" Noak said, confused by the other's actions. He got up on his feet and watched as Silas walked out of the bedroom. He wasted no time and followed him.

Silas made his way down the hall and Noak first thought that he was going to the kitchen. When he turned the other way and started opening the deadbolts on the front door, Noak was confused.

"Silas, where are you going?" Noak asked. He stepped up behind Silas and put his hand against the back of the door, stopping him from opening it. "It's dree in deh morning, it's freezing outside and you haven't anyding on."

"They won't come back so I'm going to find them." Silas said, looking at Noak but still had the dazed look about him.

"I don't understand you Sweetheart." Noak said, pressing harder against the door when Silas tried again to pull it open.

"They can stop what's happening." Silas said, mostly flat but a little anger flaring up. "They can stop them from hitting me."

"Silas, you're not making any sense." Noak said, relocking the door and positioned himself between it and his fíance. "Tell me what happened and I will try and help you."

Silas burst into tears. He balled up his fists and weakly pounded Noak's chest.

"You saw. You know. You were there." Silas cried.

"Silas, I don't know what you're talking about." Noak said, taking hold of Silas's wrists, stopping him from continuing to hit his chest. "Silas, someding isn't right." He whispered. "Who do you dink I am?" The question hurt Noak to ask but he had to know. It was clear that things weren't right inside Silas's mind but what was happening to Noak was real and he hoped that Silas could give him answers. He didn't hold his breath.

"You know!" Silas shouted. "You were there. You watched it happen." The man went hysterical, throwing himself down on the floor.

Noak couldn't stop himself from crying. He wasn't angry at Silas. He was angry at the situation. He was hurting and he was confused. In that moment, Noak came up with a plan. It was deceitful but he had no other choice, not in his mind at least.

"Silas, I can take you to find dem." Noak whispered. He had no idea who them was but he knew that it would likely get Silas to agree.

"You can?" Silas asked, still dazed but he'd stopped shouting.

"Ja, but first you need to get some clods on. Come back to deh bedroom. We can get dressed and I will take you dere."

"Yes. Okay. You know where they are?" Silas said and followed Noak back into the bedroom.

Noak took the time to get Silas dressed. It took a lot of patience and promises that he wasn't going to hurt him but the job was done. He helped Silas sit down on the end of the bed.

"I need to get dressed but den we will go." Noak explained, hands on the shorter man's shoulders and he was looking at him eye to eye.

"I was hungry. She only wanted to help." Silas whispered. It had nothing to do with the conversation about leaving.

"I have someding to help if you're hungry." Noak said, carefully stepping back. He was relieved to still have Silas's attention.

"Yes." Silas said and dropped his gaze to the floor. "Yes, okay."

Noak walked around the bed and picked up Silas's tranquilizers. He brought them, and the water back to the waiting man.

"Here. Take dese." He said and put the pills into Silas's mouth when he opened it. He helped Silas drink some water.

With tranquilizers in his system, Noak hoped that Silas would calm down. He watched him for a few seconds before hurrying to dress himself.

"You ready to go Silas?" He asked.

Silas nodded his head. He stood up and almost fell over but Noak caught him in his arms.

"You will take me to them?" Silas whispered, leaning heavily against Noak.

"Ja. We will put on our coats and den get into deh car." Noak replied. He felt terrible for lying to Silas but he ultimately knew it was for the best.

Noak led the way out of the room. He was momentarily confused as to why their coats were not hanging by the door. He quickly remembered that they had left them in the kitchen, on the floor.

"Wait here. I'll be right back." He said and left Silas at the front door. He went into the kitchen.

Silas stood there and saw a shadow pass through the living room door.

"They will stop you from coming around." Silas said to it. "My angels. They're coming back."

The shadow had one eye. It rolled all the way back before the shadow popped out of view.

Silas felt dizzy and like his knees wanted to give out on him. He put his hand on the wall and held himself up.

"Silas won't let himself be hurt anymore." He whispered, leaning his face close to the wall. He pressed his forehead against it. "No. They won't hit him, no more."

"Back." Noak said, coming out of the kitchen with their coats on his arm.

He helped Silas into his and tugged his beanie onto his head. Once he was sure that Silas would be warm enough to walk from the house to the car, Noak slipped into his own coat. He lifted his keys from the table just by the door.

"Ready?" He asked, forcing a smile as he looked at Silas.

"I am." Silas said, not meeting Noak's eyes.

They left the house and Noak had to guide Silas towards the car, he kept wandering off like he had the inability to walk a straight line. Once Noak got Silas into the car and buckled up, he went to do the same for himself. He locked the doors and started the engine. He let the car run a few minutes, warming up the engine before he shifted into reverse and backed out of the driveway.

Silas remained quiet, face pressed against the window. The gentle rocking of the car mixed with the dose of tranquilizers had the small man fast asleep by the time they hit the motorway.

Noak had to remind himself that he was doing this for Silas and that he really had no other choice. It took nearly twenty minutes but soon Noak pulled the car into the parking lot of the local hospital.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter contains the aftermath of a severe psychotic episode, including a push for self harm and suicide. Also mentions of abuse, blood and a hospital setting.**

Nine o'clock, Christmas morning.

Silas woke up to the sound of background chatter and the typical hums and beeps of being in hospital. He'd slept through the night, thanks to Noak administering his tranquilizers before putting him in the car to take him there. Unfortunately, his mind was still a mess. He was disoriented. Silas wasn't entirely sure where he was. He knew enough to realize that it wasn't home. He didn't know he was in hospital. He was groggy with sleep and his mind a fog of disjointed thoughts.

**Worthless.** _[Got himself into trouble.] You fuck up. No good Silas._ **Worthless.** _You're no good._

The bright lights that were typically on in hospital rooms had been dimmed down, allowing him to get the sleep he needed. He didn't know enough to realize that Noak wasn't there. As far as he knew, he really couldn't explain where he was.

_ Welcome to Hell you piece of shit. _

"Hello?" He whispered, voice cracking as his mouth and throat were very dry. "Hello?" He croaked out a second time.

He looked next to him and saw a small table with water on it. He lifted the cup and managed to get very little into his mouth. The rest poured out over the front of his shirt.

_ It's poisoned you fuck up. [Silas is going to die.] I can't believe you drank that. [He's going to Hell.] _

"Hello!" Silas called out, able to speak louder now that he had felt less thirsty. "Hello? Help me." He cried.

_No one is here Silas. [He's alone. Just like he deserves.]_ **[You should have killed yourself. You're a worthless man Silas. Better off dead.]** _You're dead inside. Everybody hates you. [He's disgusting.]_

"Stop it." Silas cried. He didn't know what was going on.

_ Sinner. [He'll rot in Hell. Burn for his sins.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You forget what day it is you useless heathen. [Silas will burn for his sins.]  _ **Worthless.** _ The Devil wants you Silas. [Disgusting sinner.] _

"No. No stop." Silas said, putting his hands over his ears. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He muttered.

**Worthless.**

Suddenly the voices stopped and everything was still. Silas zoned out and the background noise went silent.

"Ruthie?" Silas whispered, voice coming out nearly childish. The man was trapped in his own mind, his delusions and flashback memories right up front and powerful. The voices, though quiet for the moment, had returned after days of nothing.

Looking around him, though dark, he realized the walls surrounding the bed he was in were beige and empty. The ceiling was made from drop down tiles. The cabinets along the side wall were grey and plain. A basin beneath them was surrounded by a small counter. Bins of cotton swabs and other medical necessities were lined up along the back.

Silas knew this wasn't his room and he wondered why he wasn't in his room. A machine of sorts was at his side but he didn't know what it was. Next to that, a pole with a dangling bag of a clear liquid left him baffled. He didn't know that what he was looking at was a digital monitor and an IV drip. He felt scared.

_ It's poison. You're in Hell Silas. [Where he belongs.] You'll die here. Never should have come here. They're killing you Silas. _

Silas followed a long tube from the IV bag down to its other end, stuck in the bend of his elbow, secured with a swatch of medical tape. He panicked, screaming out and tried to pull it off. The monitor at his bedside started beeping loudly and it only fueled his fears. As he pulled harder, the needle dislodged and he started to bleed. It wasn't much but there was enough to further his panic and cover his opposite hand in the red liquid.

"Get it out!" He screamed. "It hurts. Stop it."

A nurse rushed into the room at the sound of his outburst and the increased beeping. She'd been assigned to Silas since he was taken in hours before. Quick but calmly, she approached the side of his bed. She removed the IV the rest of the way and knew once she had him cleaned off she'd need to reinsert it. Pulling a stack of gauze from her scrub pocket, she pressed down on the site he was bleeding from and applied pressure to stop it. She leaned over the bed and shut off the monitor alarm.

"Get away from me! You're hurting me!" Silas yelled. His voice could be heard throughout the hallway.

**[Let her hurt you. You deserve it you miserable shit.]** _ You're worthless Silas. No good.  _ **[Kill yourself.]**

"Good morning Silas." The nurse said, keeping the pressured hold on his arm. She kept her voice almost cheerful, hoping it would calm the overreaction of the man in the bed. "You shouldn't have taken this off. It's important, giving you the medication you need." She explained.

"No. I don't like it. No." Silas said and looked away from the nurse and stared at the ceiling. He saw a little black spot and it started to grow. He looked away and back at the nurse.

"Who are you? Where's Ruthie?" Silas asked, calming down at the sight of the nurse. It meant he wasn't alone. Though calm, he managed to pull his arm away from her. He'd stopped bleeding but the mess remained.

"My name is Victoria. I'm your nurse here Silas. Do you know where you are? Do you know why you were brought in?" She answered, leaning across his bed again to brighten the lights in the room with the button on his bedside. Her voice was kind and her demeanor remained cheerful, even as she was stuck working the holiday away from her family.

"No. No I don't. Where's Ruthie?" He whispered.

"You're in hospital Silas. Your fíance brought you here. He said you're having a rough time of it. Did you want to talk about it?" She said.

"No!" Silas shouted. "I was with Ruthie, where is Ruthie?"

Victoria sighed. "I'm sorry but I don't know who Ruthie is." She said and she sounded sympathetic. She had no idea who this Ruthie was and as far as she did know, he'd only come in with Noak.

Silas watched Victoria with wide and curious eyes. He sniffled quietly. "She's my sister." Silas said. "My baby sister. Are we in trouble?"

"Ruthie isn't here Silas." Victoria said calmly. "You came in with your fíance, Noak. You know who Noak is, don't you?"

Silas shook his head. It wasn't in response to her question. He just shook his head; it was an involuntary motion.

"Noak is your fìance Silas. He's a very good man and did you know he's outside in the waiting room? He waited all night. You're very lucky to have a guy like that." She said, taking Silas's hand and smiling at him. "Can you tell me about him?"

Silas didn't pull his hand away, eyes shifting back to the shadow. It moved closer. He didn't answer her questions.

"Stay away from me." Silas muttered and watched it float back against the wall. He kept his eyes on it.

"Who are you talking to?" Victoria asked as she noticed the man staring at nothing.

_ Crazy Silas. [Hahahaha] You're crazy. Crazy crazy Silas. [Hahahahahahahaha] _

"No!" He said, shaking his head. He looked at Victoria, jaw clenched tight. He pulled his hand away. Again, he covered his ears, boxing them in, in attempts to stop the voices.

Victoria touched his arm and he started to cry. Little whimpers and a trickle of tears.

"Silas? What's wrong?" She asked.

"I was with Ruthie. She was here." He insisted. He dropped his arms down but he continued shaking his head.

"No! Not here. Not here!" He balled his hands into fists but kept them at his side. "We were home. Where is she? I shouldn't be away from home without her. Where am I? I can't talk to strangers. I'll get into so much trouble if they find out." Silas started crying hysterically. "Where's Ruthie? They're gonna hit me when they find out what she did."

_ There is no Ruthie, Silas. [Stupid man that one is.]  _ **[Just die already.]** _ You'll burn in Hell. Miserable sinner! _

Victoria knew right away that Silas was talking nonsense.

Noak had told the admissions staff that he was a schizophrenic and behaving in a delusional manner. He'd said he was not making sense and did not appear present.

Victoria felt bad for Silas and she understood what was happening to him, though she didn't know why. Her heart broke when her patients were displaying symptoms of their illnesses and it always seemed to hurt worse when there was obvious evidence of past abuses. Silas was showing typical signs of repressed memories coming forward and reverting back to moments in his past.

Silas was sobbing. He was staring at the wall in front of the bed. His hands, still fisted, were shaking uncontrollably. He was muttering to himself but the words were too quiet, too jumbled for Victoria to understand.

"Silas." The nurse said. "Silas, can you look at me?" She kept her tone level.

Slowly, Silas turned his head and looked back at her. He thought she looked blurry but didn't quite grasp it was because he'd been crying.

"I shouldn't be here." Silas whispered. "No. Not here."

"Silas, here is the best place for you." Victoria said calmly. "We're gonna help you get back on your feet. You want to get better, don't you?"

"No!" He shouted. "No." He repeated. Silas raised his hand and hit himself in the head. He did it again and shouted no with every hit.

**[That's right. Keep hurting yourself.]** _ You stupid boy. You're not any good. [He's got the Devil inside him.] You'll burn Silas. You'll burn! _

"STOP IT!" Silas screeched and really whacked himself good, right in the middle of his forehead.

"Silas stop that." Victoria said, firmly but not yelling at him. She took hold of his arm, pulling it down and holding it against the bed for a moment. "Don't hit yourself Silas. We will work out what's wrong. Okay? You and me. We can work through this. You do not have to hurt yourself."

"No." Silas sobbed and weaseled his arm free from her grasp. He immediately started hitting his head again. "I lost Ruthie. They, they're gonna hit me. I'm gonna lose dinner privileges for a week." He continued to slam his fist into his head.

_ You fucked up. You're a piece of shit. You're worthless Silas. A disappointment to everyone. _

Victoria reached and quickly took hold of Silas's arm, stopping him from continuing to hit himself. "Silas, please calm down." She said.

"No. No I won't." He whined, sounding like an absolute child. "I have to go home." He tried to fight her grip but she was too strong. He gave up with a sigh and slumped back against the bed.

_ [Always giving up. He's a joke. Pathetic.]  _ **Worthless.** _ You're a no good piece of shit Silas. _

"Silas, you need to calm down or I'll have to restrain you. I can't have you hitting yourself like that." Victoria explained. It seemed to settle the man for a moment. She hated to have to do it, but it was something that she had to do. She couldn't allow him to continue with his actions.

He looked away from the nurse and followed the dark shadow across the ceiling. It had grown three times its original size. "You." He gasped. "I know you."

Silas rolled his head to look at Victoria, who was still holding his arm. "I want some water please." He said.

"I can get you some water Silas but I need you to sit here quietly until I come back. Can you do that for me?"

Silas nodded his head and Victoria let go of his arm.

_ Liar. _

He kept it down at his side, just like he knew she wanted him too. He looked at her, face void of any and all expression.

"I'll be right back Silas, stay here." She said and smiled. "Don't move. I'm coming back with the water." She kept her eyes on him as she stepped back.

**[Do it you shit!]**

Silas lifted his hand and Victoria froze.

She took a step back towards him. "Silas." She warned.

"No." He snapped and smacked himself with a closed up first, right into his ear. He cried out and did it again.

Following the proper hospital procedure, she had to restrain his arms. She couldn't risk him hurting himself and it was a scenario of better safe than sorry. It wasn't just to save her ass from losing her job. She truly found concern with his safety.

"Get away!" Silas shouted and flung himself to the other side of the bed. It was a small bed and he didn't have far to go.

_ You're trapped. You're in trouble now, little shit. _

Silas struggled and fought but Victoria was strong enough to get his left arm secured in the strap at the side of his bed. Once she had the one side down, the second was a little easier. Silas continued to flail and tried to pull himself free. He shouted out nonsensical words and kicked his leg, getting Victoria in the hip.

_ [Sinner!] You're worthless. _

"Fucking stop it!" He cried. "Leave me alone. Leave me alone please." He was hysterical once more.

"Silas. You need to calm down." She said, gritting her teeth through the shock of pain.

Victoria was used to the behavior of some of the patients she dealt with but she kept her cool and worked through it until he was fully secure; arms and legs bound by the restraints. She knew it was probably better to ask for help but she had a stubborn streak and once the work was done, it really hadn't mattered.

Silas stopped crying. He stopped fighting back. He gave up and just laid there motionless, staring off as if in a daze.

_ Miserable shit. You're no good. [No good to anyone.] Where's Noak, Silas? [Abandoned him. About time.] You're never going to amount to anything. Nobody likes you. [He deserves to be alone. Sinner! Devil!] _

"Stop." Silas sobbed. He closed his eyes tightly. He bit his lip and shook his head. "You can't do this. It's not right. It's not right." He softly cried.

"Silas?" Victoria said. "Silas can you tell me what's going on?"

"No." He sobbed out. "Let me go." Silas whispered, voice strained from lack of liquids and from all his shouting.

"I'm sorry but I can't do that Silas. I can't have you hurting yourself, or anyone else." She explained. "That kick hurt if I can be honest with you."

His eyes opened and started to water. "I'm sorry." He said, having a little flash of reality sink in. He hadn't meant to hurt her.

"I forgive you, but the restraints stay on." She said and moved to the door. "I'll bring you some water. Did you maybe want some cheese biscuits?"

"I'm not allowed to eat." Silas replied. "Just the water please." He knew he messed up and calmed down significantly for the moment.

"You're allowed to eat. Are you hungry?" She said.

He shook his head no. Silas watched her leave the room. He saw another body come towards the door but they didn't come inside.

"Hey." Silas whispered. "Hey, excuse me." He said.

The person turned around. His name was Patrick. He was another nurse, one that Victoria had signaled to keep an eye on Silas.

"Hello there." He said kindly. He had a thick Irish accent.

"Have you seen Ruthie?" Silas whispered. "Please, I can't find her and she was just here."

"Do you mean Victoria? She's coming right back." Patrick said.

"No. I mean Ruthie." Silas snapped.

"I don't think so." Patrick replied. "What does she look like?"

Silas licked his lips, so incredibly parched the action caused him discomfort. He tried to lift his hand, forgetting he couldn't. He sighed heavily.

"She's my height and her hair is yellow. She has brown eyes and was wearing red pajamas." Silas said. "My father will hit me if we don't find her."

"No one will hit you, sir." Patrick said, not knowing Silas's name as he wasn't officially assigned to him as a patient. "Only the doctors and nurses can come in here." He explained.

"No!" Silas shouted. "Ruthie was here. She was just here. Not a doctor. She's my sister." Silas's face was turning red and the monitor beside him beeped faster as his heartbeat increased.

Patrick walked into the room and Silas flinched, cowering as the man got closer to him. Patrick stopped walking, noticing the behavior that Silas was presenting. A bit out of his element, not working the emergency department before, he didn't pick up on the straps holding Silas down.

"You're safe here." He said, speaking calmly. "I'm only going to switch off that alarm." He pointed to the monitor. "I'm not going to hurt you, Silas." He got the patient's name from the chart on the end of his bed.

"What is that?" Silas whispered, relaxing his pose. He decided that he trusted this nurse.

"The machine?" Patrick asked. "It monitors your blood pressure, your heart rate and oxygen levels." He explained.

"I know those words." Silas said and smiled. "They were in a book I got from the library. Mother says I can read non-fiction books. Father says that I should only read the bible. I'm six but can read really big books."

Patrick nodded slowly. He looked at Silas and knew he wasn't six. He was finally catching on that Silas was in hospital for psychiatric treatment. They must not have moved him to the proper wing just yet, leaving him in the emergency department. The hospital was understaffed, due to the Christmas holiday. He finished crossing the room and clicked off the warning alarm and noted that the man's heartbeat had slowed but that his blood pressure was a little on the high side. He spotted the blood all over his blanket and the restraints on all four limbs.

"Why are you still here?" Silas asked. "I'm not allowed to have friends over."

Patrick looked from the monitor to the man in the bed. "I'm a nurse, Silas. I'm here with you until Victoria comes back." He said.

"She can't be here. Father will be furious." Silas muttered and his attention was nabbed by another passing shadow.

When Victoria returned with a plastic cup full of water Silas shot his head in her direction. "She can stay you can't." He blurted out.

Patrick nodded and moved towards the door. He shot a glance at the other nurse and shrugged his shoulders.

"You stay too." Silas said. "They have to leave." He was looking at the shadow.

Victoria took a step closer to Patrick. She whispered to him, asking him to stay. She needed help with getting an IV back into Silas's arm. Even as he was restrained, she wanted help to hold him still while she did the insertion. Patrick agreed, and the two set to work.

Silas screamed at them the entire time. He was being held down by Patrick as Victoria redid the IV. She covered it with some gauze and tape before she went about cleaning up the mess Silas had made. He was calmed down by the time Victoria helped him to drink his water. Patrick left, but told the other nurse he'd be around if she needed help again.

"I'm going to call the doctor over, now that you're awake. Can you stay calm and talk to her?" Victoria said, looking at Silas. She gave him an encouraging smile.

"I think-" Silas said and stopped suddenly. He was looking up at the ceiling again.

_You're disgusting Silas._ **[Just die here. It's better for everyone.]** _You're no good. You're worthless. A piece of shit._

"I need Andrea." He whispered, having another brief moment of clarity. "She, she's my doctor." He sniffled. "Dr. Andrea Johansson."

Victoria smiled again and shook her head. "Andrea isn't here Silas, but we can give her a call. You still need to see the doctor here. Her name is Dr. Zamona. She's very good and very nice."

"I want to see Andrea." Silas whispered.

"I know, you're probably very comfortable with her but she's not here yet. You'll see Dr. Zamona now and as soon as Andrea gets here, she will come see you." Victoria said and touched Silas lightly on the shoulder.

Silas didn't outwardly act out but he wasn't happy about it. He closed his eyes tightly.

_ You're alone in Hell you miserable shit. [He's paying for his sins. Sins against God the Father.] You're disgusting. [Hell. He'll go to Hell.] _

"Where's Noak?" Silas asked quietly. "Can I see Noak?"

_Noak left your sorry ass. [He's gone. For good.]_ **Worthless.** _He had an out and he took it. Left you here and he's gone. [Noak hates Silas. We hate Silas.]_

Silas whimpered. He didn't want to believe what they said but it made sense to him. There was no reason Noak wasn't at his side. Obviously, he hated him. He closed his eyes and felt the tears roll down his cheek.

Victoria frowned. She wished she could say yes but it was hospital protocol that patients there for mental health reasons could not have visitors until cleared by the doctors.

"I'm sorry Silas, not yet. I can go tell him you woke up if you'd like me too, but I'm not allowed to bring him back here."

"Yeah. Fine." Silas sighed, sounding dejected. He opened his eyes and looked at Victoria. "You can tell him. Can you tell me if he's seen my sister? I still can't find her. Maybe Noak's seen Ruthie."

"Will you sit quietly while I go?" Victoria asked. "And if you'd like another water, I'll bring one back with me." She added.

Silas only shrugged in reply. He set his attention back on the ceiling. There were two new shadows. He tried to lift his arm and realized he couldn't. He sighed, loud and frustrated. He threw his head back on the pillow and started to cry harder. He never noticed that Victoria had left.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

Noak was sitting in the emergency waiting room. It had been several hours but he didn't let himself fall asleep. He was exhausted. He'd gone twice to the public toilets to splash water on his face. He'd visited the small cafe a few times and was on his fifth coffee.

He didn't expect to hear details about Silas. As far as the law was concerned, Noak had no right to know his medical condition. He did however, expect to at least hear back if they were keeping him or not. He sat there, in the far corner away from the desk and main entrance. He kept to himself, flipping through dated magazines and checking his mobile.

He was waiting for the right time to call his mother, knowing she woke early but not that early. This was his first Christmas apart from her so he wanted to call, wish her a good one and tell her how much he missed her. He would also tell her about what was going on. He'd last spoken with her over a week previous, not long after he'd moved in with Silas. Then he thought about calling Anna, knowing his sister would answer his call about anything, no matter the time. He didn't want to disturb her, not until he had more solid news about what was happening.

Noak felt his stomach grumble. He'd had tons of coffee but hadn't thought to eat anything. He was nervous. He hated hospitals, the very smell of them alone reminded him of his father's last days. He told himself he'd stay, for Silas's sake. He meant it, believed it when he said he'd do anything for that man. He'd stay with Silas, as long as it took.

The sound of approaching footsteps made Noak look up from his phone. He'd only been mindlessly scrolling so it wasn't as if he was bothered by the disturbance. He saw a young woman in scrubs walking towards him and he hoped it was news about his fíance.

"Noak?" The woman said. It was Silas's nurse, Victoria.

"Ja." Noak said and yawned loudly. "Excuse me." He whispered, not meaning to yawn as he did.

"Hi. I'm Victoria. I'm Silas's nurse and he wanted me to come tell you he woke up." She said.

"He knows who I am?" Noak asked, very relieved to hear that. When he'd brought Silas in, the smaller man had no idea.

"He does. He's still very disoriented but he does know who you are. He also asked me to see if you've seen Ruthie, his sister."

Noak looked at her a little strangely. "I haven't a clue who dat is." He said. "Silas doesn't deal with his family. Dey abused him so when he was old enough to leave, he cut ties."

Victoria sighed. "I see." She said and had a sadness in her eyes. She'd suspected that about her patient but hearing it confirmed was disheartening. "Well, I will let him know. Do you have plans for Christmas?" She asked, unable to say much more about Silas.

Noak shook his head. "I was just going to stay here." He replied.

"Why don't you head home? I can give you a call when Silas is ready to be picked up." Victoria said. "You look like you could use some sleep."

"I can't see him?" Noak asked, though he was already sure of the answer.

"I'm sorry Noak. It's protocol. You can't see him yet." Victoria said. "Go get some rest and try and have a good Christmas. I can tell you that we're probably keeping Silas a few days. We have your number on his chart. We will call you."

Sighing, Noak got up from his chair. "Alright. Danks for giving me an update. If he's wid it enough, tell him I love him and I'll come back." He said. "Please, remind him of dat. I'm not leaving him. I'm just going home for a bit."

Victoria smiled sadly and nodded her head. "I'll tell him. You're a good man Noak. Silas is lucky to have you."

Noak smiled and it was short lived. He waved and turned towards the exit. He left the emergency department and walked back towards his car. He'd gotten a close spot so he didn't need to walk far.

He unlocked the car, opened the door and sat down. He leaned forward and pressed his head against the steering wheel. He sobbed out once. He was in emotional overload. He felt absolutely terrible about leaving Silas but he knew, deep down, that he'd done the right thing. Silas needed help and it was the kind of help Noak couldn't provide. He only hoped that Silas understood that. The last thing he wanted his fíance to think was that he'd been abandoned.

Noak sat there for an extended period of time. The long, sleepless night was catching up with him fast. He sat up straight and sighed. He picked up his mobile, which he'd dropped on the passenger side seat and he scrolled through his contacts until he found his mother's house number. He hit send and waited for her to answer.

"Hej Noak. God jul." Maja said when she answered the call from her son.

"God jul Mama." Noak said but there was no joy to back up the sentiment. "I dink I really messed dings up, Mama." He whispered, on the verge of tears.

"Oh, what's wrong my dear?" She asked.

"I asked Silas to marry me." He whispered and it was all he could get out before completely breaking down in tears.

Maja knew all about the relationship that her son had with Silas. She knew how deeply her son felt for the other man. She knew that things were moving rather quickly for the two but she did not question her son's choices. Back when Maja met Noak's and Anna's father, she knew he was the one after the first week. She trusted her son's judgment of character and the fact that Anna thought fondly of Silas as well certainly made it seem like Noak's choice to be with him was the right one.

"Did he say no?" Maja asked.

"No." Noak cried. "He said yes." He whispered.

"What happened Noak? What has you so upset?" His mother said, feeling so heartbroken to hear her son in tears.

"I dink dat my asking him triggered an episode for him, Mama." Noak replied. "I had no choice, I took him to deh hospital. Dey are keeping him dere and I can't, I can't be wid him right now." Noak took a moment to just sob and he felt his chest aching at what he had done, knowing how much Silas insisted he not be taken to the hospital for anything. "I dink after all dis, he might change his mind. I'm scared he will hate me." He whispered.

"Don't you think that he loves you enough to know that you made the right decision?" Maja asked. "Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest to make."

"He didn't know who I was Mama. He was, he was such a mess." Noak continued to cry. "I dink dis was all my fault."

"It was not your fault Noak. Please don't think that." Maja said. "Silas's mind is not well but if he truly loves and cares about you as you've told me, he will forgive you. He will understand that you did what you thought was necessary."

"Ja." Noak sighed. His mother was right but his mild anxiety and his being apart from Silas made it hard to believe in the moment. He sighed again and took a deep breath, hoping to stop his tears. "What have you and Hans have planned for today?" He asked, trying to distract himself by changing the subject.

"Hans is cooking up a lovely dinner and we're spending the time alone." Maja replied. "We're treating the day like a little vacation, just relaxing and enjoying one another's company."

"Dat sounds really nice." Noak said. "I dink I'm going to call Anna. Well, I know I'm going to call Anna. I dink I might go over to her place if she's not already busy."

"When you talk to her, remind her to give us a call. That girl is so busy she's been rather forgetful." Maja said.

"So dis means I'm deh favorite, right?" Noak teased, finally able to distance himself from the negative thoughts for the moment.

"You're both my favorite." Maja said. "I could never, ever choose between you."

"It's okay. You don't need to say it Mama." Noak said with a laugh. "I'm going to give Anna a call now. I love you. Send my love and well wishes to Hans as well."

"I love you too, my dear." Maja said. " I will pass the message to Hans. Try and keep your head up Noak. Send my love to Anna and I hope Silas is okay. Please keep me updated."

"Danks Mama. I'll talk to you soon." Noak said and ended the call.

He sighed and set the phone into his cup holder. He sat another minute before he buckled his seatbelt and started up the car. He thought a quick shower, maybe a nap would do before he called his sister. He shifted the car into reverse and started the drive home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the late update. This chapter was not well done and needed more of a rewrite than an edit.


	30. Chapter 30

The already cold air of the winter afternoon seemed so much colder when Noak left the house. He wasn't usually one to be bothered by the temperature but on that Christmas day, he felt to the bone cold. Most of the icy feeling was coming from inside him. The drive from the farmhouse to Anna's flat was one that Noak took in silence. He couldn't bring himself to turn on the stereo, even as music was such an integral part of his daily life. He used the quiet drive to think and mill over the events of the last twenty-four hours. He was upset naturally, but also took a lot of energy blaming himself for it all.

Talking to his Mama had helped to ease the initial dread he was feeling and the edge had lessened. Of course the nap helped and the very fact that he was on his way to see his sister, the most important person in his life, was putting him in a better mindset but he couldn't fully shake the bad thoughts. He was angry with his decision, leaving Silas in the very place he didn't want to be. He knew, deep down he knew, it was for the best but he was finding it hard to bring that thought forward. He was absolutely gutted with the idea that his fíance might not forgive him for it. He convinced himself that maybe when all this passed, he wouldn't have a fíance.

Anna was waiting at the door when her brother arrived at the flat. She'd been expecting him, as he gave her a call after a quick shower and a brief nap. She knew that Silas wasn't coming along but Noak had been short on the details. She had some news to share with her brother as well. She knew from the tone of her brother's voice that the reason for Silas's absence was not going to be pleasant. She knew for sure that her news to share had the potential to be just as negative.

"God jul." She whispered, kissing her brother on each cheek. She hurried him inside and shut the door behind him. She had a smile on her face, typical for her upbeat personality. She kept it there for her brother's sake.

"God jul Anna." Noak said in return. "Danks for letting me come by."

"You're very welcome. No one should be alone on Christmas." She said and took his coat.

The two made their way into the living room. Anna set Noak's coat on a vacant chair and motioned towards the sofa.

"Please tell me what happened. Where is Silas?" She said, continuing to stand even as her brother took a seat.

"I dropped him off at deh hospital around dree-dirty dis morning." Noak whispered.

"Is he alright?" Anna asked, deeply worried about her friend. "What happened to him?"

"He had a breakdown." Noak replied and put his hands to his face. "I didn't know what else to do. I had to leave him dere. Dey won't let me see him."

"Oh Noak, I'm so sorry." Anna whispered and had a frown on her face. "You did the right thing sweetie. If he needed the help, they can help him."

"I know I did but it still feels wrong." Noak replied, looking up at his sister. "He scared deh shit out of me Anna. He was making no sense and he didn't know who deh hell I was."

"That's awful." She said and walked around the coffee table to sit herself next to her big brother. "Does he know now? Do you know anything?"

"Deh only dings I know are dat he woke up, I'd given him his tranquilizers in a panic, and dat he asked to see me. So yes, at least for deh moment he knew." Noak began. "I also know dat dey are keeping him dere for observation and until he is cleared by his doctor. I can't see dat being before dree days. I seriously doubt his doctor will be around for deh holiday."

"I still think you did the right thing Noak." Anna said and took hold of his hand.

"Mama said deh same." He whispered, squeezing his sister's smaller hand before pulling his away. "She wants you to call her and Hans by deh way."

"Ja, I've been terrible with calling them. I'll call them before dinner." She said. "Are you staying for dinner?" She asked.

"Are you cooking?" He asked with a lopsided grin.

"I was going to heat up some frozen pizzas." She replied. "But if you stay, we can order in some Chinese."

"I'll stay." Noak said. He folded his hands in his lap. Pizza sounds better dan Chinese."

Anna laughed. "Pizza it is." She said with a grin.

"I didn't impose on any plans today, have I?" He asked and leaned back, snuggling into the cushions on the sofa. Anna had a wonderfully soft sofa.

"Never." She replied. "I'd clear my schedule for you any time big brother." She added. "But today was clear anyway. Not a plan for the next two days. I wanted to just sit home and relax."

"Well, don't let me stop you. I won't be in your way." He said.

"Pssh, you are not ever in my way Noak. You're my family and my friend." Anna said. "I am sorry Silas isn't around but I'm glad you're here. Christmas wouldn't be the same without you."

"Nor widout you." Noak said and smiled.

Anna grinned at her brother. "So what else is new?" She asked, hoping to steer the topic to keep her brother's mind distracted from feeling sad.

"I asked Silas to marry me last night." Noak whispered.

"You what?" Anna said, shocked by the news. She was not unhappy about it but was almost sure her brother would have told him about the plan. It never occurred to her he'd not planned the proposal.

"I bought him a ring. A little someding to show him what he means to me." Noak said. "My intentions were not to ask him about marriage but deh question just popped out."

"What did he say?" Anna asked, quick to add, "You don't think this is what caused him to have the episode, do you?"

"He said yes." Noak replied and sighed deeply. "I do dink dat maybe deh suddenness of deh question and deh presentation of deh ring might have been deh cause, but I'm trying not to dink dat." He whispered.

"Good. You shouldn't blame yourself big brother." Anna said and put her arms around him. "I suppose I can still say congratulations, ja?"

Noak nodded. He hugged his sister back. "Danks." He whispered and sniffled away a few tears that threatened to spill; a few did slip out and roll over his cheek.

"Please don't blame yourself Noak." Anna said, sitting back to look at her brother's face. She reached up and wiped away a few tears. "Anything could have set him off. I don't think it's you. I have these senses, Silas loves you and I don't think he will blame you."

"You do not have senses." Noak said with a little smile.

"How do you know?" She said with a teasing wink.

"I know everyding." He replied with an actual laugh.

"I'm sure you do." Anna said and jumped up on her feet. "Would you like a beer?" She asked.

"Ja, okay." Noak said and watched Anna head off to her kitchen.

He sat there and despite it all, being with her made him feel a lot better. He couldn't forget that Silas was stuck in the hospital but having Anna with him and having spoke to his Mama, Noak knew he'd have a decent day.

When Anna returned with two bottles of beer, she plunked back onto the seat next to her brother. She popped the top off the first bottle and passed it to him. Noak waited until she had her own bottle open. The siblings made a traditional Swedish toast and sipped the beer, a favourite of them both.

"So, if I may ask." Anna began and leaned into the side of the sofa. "Would you and Silas have come by to see me today, if things went differently?"

Noak shrugged. "He doesn't celebrate deh holiday." He replied. "I'd like to dink dat maybe we'd have you over to the house for dinner anyway."

"How is it living with him?" Anna asked, taking another sip of beer. She'd been far less busy with work but was still fairly terrible with calling Noak as often as she'd like.

"It's been an adjustment for us bod, but it's going well." Noak answered. "It's great on his good days and maybe a bit awkward on his bad days but we're making it work."

"That's nice to hear." Anna said with a smile. "I'm happy he's not alone and I'm very pleased that he seems to make you happy, Noak." She added.

"He makes me very happy Anna." Noak said with a big smile. "I love him so much."

"I know you do." She whispered. "And he loves you and he trusts you and I couldn't be happier than I am, for the both of you."

"Danks." Noak said and took a sip from his bottle. He leaned forward to set it down on a cork coaster on the coffee table. "I just wish dere was a way I could make all his problems go away, you know?"

"I know the feeling but I know and you know that's impossible." Anna said. "No one can fix anyone's problems, but being there for him should be enough to help him through them."

Noak nodded. His sister was right about that. He just didn't feel like that was enough. He wanted nothing more than to see Silas happy and content in his life. The small man meant the absolute world to Noak.

"Has he been well enough to start looking for a job?" Anna asked, curiously.

"I told him dat he didn't have to rush." Noak answered. "I've already paid deh rent drough deh end of deh year. He doesn't know dat, but if I have deh money, den I will help him."

"You're a very kind and sweet man Noak." Anna said. "Silas is so lucky to have you."

"I'm lucky to have him." Noak said, looking at his sister.

"You are." She agreed, smiling before taking a sip of beer. "He's a delight. I really enjoyed working with Silas. I'm thrilled you two hit it off." She continued.

Noak just smiled.

"If I may be honest with you, the people you've dated in the past were awful Noak. They didn't deserve a man half as good as you." Anna said. "I'm truly, one hundred percent happy that you and Silas have what you have."

"You only say dat because you are happy you set up a date and it ended well." Noak teased. "You're pleased with yourself."

"I mean, you're not wrong big brother, but I do mean it. You're my best friend. Silas is a good friend. I know you both so well and I can just tell that what you have is special. It's not just me gloating a job well done. I'm genuinely happy for you."

"I know you are." Noak said and reached for his beer, taking a gulp from it. "I still dink you're pleased wid yourself dough." He laughed and rested the bottle on his knee.

"Of course I am." Anna said, laughing loudly. "I'm terrific. There's so much to be pleased about." She grinned big and winked at her brother.

"So, how has your job search been going?" Noak asked.

"Well." Anna replied. "I've got four people interested in hiring me but I don't interview until after the new year."

"Dats wonderful news." Noak said. "I'm positive all will want you working for dem, so it means you have deh final say."

"Ja. I know." She said with a grin. Anna chugged down the last of her beer and set the empty bottle right on the table, not nothing with a coaster. It was an old and stained coffee table anyway.

"There is something I'd like to accomplish before leaving the Bleeker News for good though." She added, a bit more seriously.

"To steal Evan's job?" Noak asked with a laugh.

"Not quite that." Anna replied with a sort of smile. "But, it will get him fired." She explained.

"As much as I'd like to see dat for what he did to Silas, wid deh unfair treatment, I cannot help but dink dats not really your style Anna. Sounds a bit revengeful to me."

"Well maybe you'll understand why in a moment." Anna began. "I have some unsettling news to share."

Noak gulped down the rest of his beer and reached to hand her the bottle. "May I have anoder before you tell me?" He asked. "I'm far too sober for unsettling news."

"Sure." Anna said, taking his empty and rising to her feet. She picked up her own empty bottle and brought them both to the kitchen to drop in the recycling bin.

While Anna was occupied with getting more booze, Noak checked his mobile for any calls that might have come from the hospital. He hadn't heard the ringtone or feel it vibrate but he felt the need to check anyway. There was nothing.

Anna returned to the living room with the remaining case of beer. She set it down in the middle of the table and went back to her seat.

"I'm not encouraging either of us to drink it all but leaving it here will save me from getting up every so often." Anna said with a little laugh.

"You're lazy." Noak said and stuck his tongue out.

"I am not lazy." Anna protested but knew her brother was teasing. "I'm simply exercising my right to relax on the joyous day of our Savior's birth." She added with a giggle.

"You are so full of shit." Noak said with a roll of his eyes. "Just admit you're lazy."

"Maybe just a little." Anna said and popped open a beer for herself. "You open your own from now on. The first was a treat from me, you're welcome." She stuck her tongue out at Noak that time.

Leaning over, Noak pulled a bottle from the box and took the opener from his sister's hand. He popped the top and tossed it at Anna. They both laughed and did another toast, the second more silly and chock full of inside jokes. The pair had hundreds.

Noak drank down half the beer in one go. He knew it was quick but he didn't care.

"What have you got to tell me?" He asked, looking at Anna, who had decided to sit on the arm of the sofa, facing her brother.

"First, I'm kind of glad that Silas isn't here for this." She said, all smiles and laughter gone. "I came across something on Evan's computer." She said and took a drink. "It proves that not only did Silas not send those emails that supposedly got him fired, but Luci, whomever she is, didn't send them either."

Noak looked at Anna with wide eyes. He heard her just fine but wondered if he was understanding her right.

"What did you find?" He asked, but had an anger inducing good idea of how she'd answer.

"I found proof that Evan sent them himself." Anna said and she watched the anger rise on her brother's face.

"Why deh fuck would he do dat?" Noak asked, not necessarily to his sister. It was more a question in general. "Dat fucking scum bag." He stayed relatively calm but inside he was fuming.

Anna nodded. "He's disgusting." She said. "I'm pretty sure that he wanted Silas out, and without a reason to let him go, he did him dirty and set him up."

"How did you find dis out?" Noak asked, that time directly to his sister.

"He asked me to find a drafted article from another of the writers and it was there in his email." Anna answered. "And before you ask, because I know you will, no I didn't print anything off, there wasn't time nor was there any way to do it without being caught snooping."

"I'm going to do someding about it." Noak said.

"What?" Anna said. "How?"

"Get me deh paper's network password, or no, don't." Noak said. "I'll hack into deh system and take deh emails. Evan will loose his job and maybe Silas can get his job back."

"You do know that if you're caught hacking in, you'll be arrested." Anna said. "They'll send you right back to Sweden. I can't ask you to do this Noak."

"Den don't ask me; I'll do it on my own. It's a risk I'm willing to take on my own but I'm confident I won't be caught." Noak said. He was very confident. If there was something Noak knew more about than space, it was computers. "If dere is proof out dere dat Silas was set up and fired widout cause, I'll get it. He doesn't deserve dat kind of treatment." He said, quite seriously.

"You are absolutely right Noak." Anna said. "But please, be careful. I know what you want to do is the right thing, but don't put yourself at risk." She was quick to add.

"Deh ding is Anna," Noak started, his voice low, "for Silas, I would. He means dat much to me."

Anna nodded her head, looking at Noak but said nothing. She understood the feelings Noak had for Silas and she, in a sense, felt similarly. Her friend, her future brother in law, didn't deserve the unfair treatment and she fully supported Noak's plan.

"You know this means something else." She whispered after a long moment. She sipped her beer and set it down between the cushions and the arm of the sofa.

"Hmm?" Noak hummed, seeming lost in his own thoughts.

"It means Silas was wrong about Luci sending the email." Anna said.

"Ja." Noak sighed and finished off his second beer in one large swig. "I feel just about as awful as I could on dat subject matter, but I don't believe dat Luci is real." He whispered, hating himself the moment he said the words out loud.

For some time, Noak had been thinking really hard on the topic of Luci. He just couldn't explain her existence or lack thereof. It logically made sense to believe that she was simply a figment of Silas's imagination. It made sense that she was merely a symptom of his schizophrenia. Even without telling it to Silas, the fact he didn't believe him, Noak felt terrible.

"You up to making dat pizza now?" He whispered. He wasn't hungry but welcomed the distraction of helping his sister in the kitchen.

"Ja, pizza sounds good." Anna replied.


	31. Chapter 31

_ Seven. [He's done it this time.] Twenty-six. [Outside the world goes on without him.] Purple. [No one noticed. No one cared.] Zero. _

"Syrup. Syrup and eggs." Silas whispered. He was sitting up in a high backed chair, saying it was uncomfortable would be an understatement. His eyes were closed and his body shivered, even as he was wrapped up in two layers of the hospital's standard issue blankets.

_ Aubergine. [He deserves death.] Fifteen screws. [He deserves nothing.] Chartreuse. [He'll burn. Never been good.] Eight broken bones. [Silas is no one.] _

"Disgusting." He muttered and his left hand clenched into a tight fist. His eyes opened and dropped to his hand. He started picking at the tape around the IV port placed in the back. "Worthless."

_You should have died. [Squid.] Product of sin. [Common shrew.] The Langston's were right. [Tortoise.]_ **Worthless.** _They could have killed you. [Butterfly.] Missed opportunity. [Orca.]_

"Yes. Yes I know." He said quietly and shook his head. "Burn. I'll burn for this."

_ You'll burn for eternity, Silas. [Disgusting shit.] You destroyed any chance of being forgiven. [The devil awaits his tarnished soul.] You're dirty, Silas. Disgusting. _

The date was December 27, 2011.

Sitting in a similar chair several steps away was Silas's therapist, Andrea Johansson. This was her second time seeing her long time patient since his arrival at the hospital early Christmas morning. She'd been away on holiday and hadn't arrived back in the UK until that morning. She hurried to the hospital the moment she learned that Silas was there.

Quietly she observed Silas. She knew immediately that things were not right with him, but it had improved since their first encounter that day. Her first thought was that he'd been messing with his medication again, but all his blood work and statement left at the emergency department desk indicated he was taking it regularly. She needed to figure it out, hating to see him so far from where he'd been. He was nowhere near the condition he was in when they first started their time working together, but he'd taken several steps in the wrong direction.

"I don't." Silas said. "I don't. I don't. I don't." He repeated. He wasn't talking to anyone in particular.

He had looked at Andrea when she'd come into the room but hadn't acknowledged her since. He was mostly aware of his surroundings but was caught up in his own mind. He continued to pick at the tape on the back of his hand but was looking at the closed door. He could see the shadows of people under the door as they walked by.

"It's too much." He said, almost shouting. "Go away." He cried and pulled the blankets tighter around his shoulders.

"Silas?" Andrea said, deciding it was time she try talking to him. She'd seen enough to work out what was going on.

"No." Silas said. He was staring at the floor.

"Why no?" Andrea asked. "Why don't you tell me what's going on?" She kept her voice calm and level, as she often did.

"I don't." He said again. He looked up at Andrea and it took him a solid thirty seconds to recognize her. "No." He whispered.

"Please tell me what's going on Silas." Andrea said. "We can sit here all day."

"Then sit." He replied. "I don't… I don't know."

"What don't you know?" She asked, shifting her chair a tiny bit closer to him. Its legs scraped against the tile floor. It lasted a few brief moments.

Silas reacted negatively to the sound, dropping the blankets to cup his hands over his ears. 

"Stop. Stop it now." He yelled. 

"Silas, I'm sorry." Andrea said. She hadn't meant to upset him with the sound. "Can you tell me what's going on inside your head?"

"No." He said. The reply was short and quick.

"Because you don't know? Or because you don't want to?" She inquired.

"Yes." Silas said and closed his eyes.

**Worthless.** _Disgusting piece of shit. You're no good Silas. You'll burn in Hell for what you've done._ **Worthless.**

"Yes?" Andrea said. "You can't say yes if I've asked you an 'or' question." She explained to him. Again she was very level and calm.

"I don't know." He whispered. "I can't… I just can't." His voice started to crack as he fought off the need to cry.

_ Stupid man. Pathetic shit. [He's no good. Disgusting.] _

"What can't you do Silas?" She asked.

_[Silas can't do anything.]_ **Worthless.**

"Think." He said and looked right at her as he did it. "Noises. Memory. Fuck. The noise, the God damned noise." He started sobbing.

"The voices are too much for you?" Andrea asked. "Is that it?"

"Yes. No. Yes. But no." He said, indecisiveness apparent. "Yes." He decided on and nodded his head. "Loud. They are loud. I can't fucking think!"

Silas pushed himself up out of the chair. He nearly fell over but kept himself upright. He started pacing back and forth.

"Silas, please sit down." Andrea said, concerned that he would fall.

"No." He said but sat anyway.

"Thank you." She said. "Can I ask you a few questions?"

"No." He said again. He wasn't aware of what he meant by it.

_ Pathetic. _

Silas crossed his legs at the ankle and folded his hands in his lap. His fingers were raw, nails and cuticles bitten down to almost nothing. After his second day in the hospital, Silas no longer had to be restrained. He'd stopped trying to hit himself but he still picked at his nails until they bled.

"I believe these questions will help you think." Andrea said. "I promise, they're easy questions."

_ Not easy for you, simpleton. [He's worthless and stupid.] You get yourself into trouble. _

Silas said nothing to Andrea. He looked down at the floor. His left foot started tapping on the tiles below. It made no sound as he was wearing slipper style socks. He began to chew on his lip and nodded for no particular reason.

"Silas." Andrea said, just loud enough to catch his attention.

"What?" He asked. He didn't stop tapping, didn't stop chewing. He continued to look at the floor.

"May I ask you a few questions?" She asked.

"Fine." He said, still not looking at her.

"Thank you." Andrea said and reached for her observation notes and her pen. She intended to write down not only his answers but keep track of how long it took him, if he answered at all.

"Do you know your name?" She asked. "Full name?" She clarified. "And your date of birth." She added.

"Yes." Silas replied. He stopped chewing his lip but his attention was still fixed on the floor.

Andrea shook her head. She wasn't upset with his answer, knowing he sometimes said things that way. She had to be particular with her wording if this was to go smoothly.

"What is your full name?" She asked.

"Silas Michael Langston." He whispered. He looked up, but at the door and not his therapist. "But not for long." He mumbled. "No. No more."

"What do you mean by that, Silas?" She asked.

"Detachment." He said and looked at her. His eyes were squinted as if there were a bright light shining in his face. There wasn't.

"Detachment from what?" She dug deeper.

"The Langstons." He said. "They hurt me. I'm dropping their name."

Silas stopped tapping his foot. He sniffled. "I'm cold." He said. "6 June, 1983 is my birthday." He mumbled.

Andrea got up from her chair and walked the distance to where Silas dropped his blankets. She bent to pick them up and helped him out by wrapping him up in them. Silas took the ends and held them secured around his shoulders.

"When did you decide that you're dropping the name?" She asked, leaning her hip on the table in the room instead of taking her seat.

"When Noak asked me to marry him." He whispered. His face was turned up towards Andrea but his eyes were closed.

_ Disgusting sinner. [He'll burn. There is no turning back.] God will punish you. Disgusting piece of shit. _

The news came as a shock to the therapist. Not that Silas wanted to distance himself from the name of those who had hurt him, but in learning that Noak had proposed to Silas. It shocked her because they'd only been together two months.

"Noak asked you to marry him?" She asked. Her whole list of planned questions set aside to deal with the matter that came up.

"Yes." Silas said and held his left hand up by Andrea's face. "They took my ring."

_ Filthy sinner. _

"Well, you shouldn't have any jewelry on in here Silas. I am certain they will give it back." Andrea explained. "Am I right to assume that you said yes when Noak asked you?"

"No." Silas snapped and looked back at the floor.

"You didn't say yes?" Andrea inquired.

"No. Don't assume." Silas muttered. "Assuming things is wrong and gets you into trouble Andrea." He said, speaking more clearly but still keeping his gaze averted.

"What did you say when Noak proposed, Silas?" She asked.

"I said yes." He whispered.

"Do you want to marry him? Do you want to marry Noak?" She said.

_ You'll both burn in Hell. [They're disgusting.] You'll pay for your sins against God. _

"Yes!" Silas snapped. "Why would I tell him yes if I didn't? Fuck!" He started shaking his head.

_You're making a huge mistake._ **Worthless.** _You're so wrong Silas. Disgusting._

"Please don't snap at me." Andrea said calmly. "I'm just asking. I didn't think you'd say yes if it wasn't what you wanted."

"I want it. He loves me." Silas whispered, turning to look up at the therapist. "He… he doesn't hurt me."

"I know that and I am very pleased to know you're happy with Noak." Andrea said with a little smile at Silas.

"But?" Silas asked.

"There's no but, Silas." She replied. "I just want you to be sure that marriage is something you both want. It takes so much more than love to build a strong relationship."

"Yeah." Silas sighed. "I know."

"While on the topic of Noak, do you know why he brought you here?" Andrea said.

"No." Silas replied.

"Do you know what happened the night of the twenty-fourth?" She asked.

"Yes." He whispered. "Yes I know."

"Can you tell me what happened that night?" She asked and went back to her seat. She crossed her legs and sat back, comfortably.

"Yes." Silas whispered. "Yes I can."

"Will you?" Andrea whispered.

Silas nodded and looked at her for a few moments before he started to say anything. He shifted on his chair, turning himself to sit with both legs draped over the arm that was closest to the door. His line of vision was right at the small glass window. He looked out into the hall for a while before turning back to Andrea. When he spoke, his words were quiet, just above the volume of a whisper.

"I made dinner for Noak. I wanted to surprise him. I think I've been in my head a lot." He began. "I am not, I'm not okay about the whole job situation."

"You still haven't heard whether or not you can return to the office?" Andrea interrupted. The last time they had spoken, prior to the Christmas holidays, Silas had told her Anna was seeing about getting him his job back.

He replied by shaking his head no. He started picking at his fingers. "Anna says that Evan won't hire me back." He whispered, looking back at the door. He spotted a dark shadow move past the door.

"I am very sorry to hear that Silas." She said sympathetically.

He shrugged. "Noak has offered to pay the rent until I find a new job. I don't want him to do that but he insists on helping me. He, um, he also picked up paying the utilities." Silas said quietly. He scraped his left thumb along the cuticle of his right index finger.

"That's very kind of him." Andrea said. "I think you're very lucky to have him."

Silas nodded and he sniffled. "Yeah. I am." He said. "I know he cares about me and wants me to be comfortable and not worry about the house."

"Silas, I think you shouldn't feel bad about this. If you need the help, you're entitled to ask." Andrea explained. "And provided that Noak is willing, I think you should accept his help. At least until you get on your feet again."

_ Don't take his charity. [Noak is just as vile as Silas, why shouldn't he?]  _ **Worthless.** _ No good sinner. Piece of shit. _

"They say no." Silas mumbled and closed his eyes.

"Who says no?" She asked.

"They do." Silas said. "I'm not… I'm not thinking clearly." He whispered and started to cry.

"I know that Silas, but that's why we're here. I'm here with you and together we will get you back to where you need to be." Andrea said and hoped her words would encourage Silas.

She didn't mind his crying and she understood where it was coming from. The symptoms of his illness were extremely frustrating for him. She was at least thankful he was taking to her. She handed him a paper napkin to dab his tears and blow his nose.

"Please, when you're ready Silas, I'd like you to finish telling me about your night. What happened before Noak brought you here." She said, speaking calmly. She was in no hurry to rush him, her schedule for the day had been cleared to give him her undivided attention.

"I made Noak dinner." Silas whispered through his tears. "I wanted to do it. I like to do it. I, um, I don't do it as often as I want to." He chewed intensely at his bottom lip.

_ Because you're worthless, you miserable shit. _

"We um, we went out, after dinner." Silas continued. "Just to the field. We went to see if there were any meteors." He whispered.

Andrea smiled. "That sounds lovely, Silas." She said. "You're still interested in learning about space and the winter air isn't too cold for you?"

_ She knows you're weak. [Everyone but Silas can see that.] Let yourself freeze outside. No one would know. Or care. [He's too dumb to realize Noak isn't coming back.] _

"I don't want-" Silas said and his words abruptly stopped. He was looking at the shadow again; the one in the hall. It was peering through the small window, hovering outside the door. "Go away." He cried.

"What's wrong Silas?" The therapist asked.

"I don't want to talk to you anymore." Silas whispered, rocking himself slowly. It wasn't comfortable from his side sitting position. "I don't want to talk to anybody." He closed his eyes tightly.

"Please talk to me?" Andrea tried. She'd give him time if his response was negative.

Time was given as he hadn't responded at all.

+ † + † + † + † + † ++ † + † + † + † + † +

The time was later that evening. Silas was back in his private room. After shutting down during his session with Andrea, he was taken back to his room. They left him there, giving him a dose of his medication and let him sleep. They woke him up for dinner but he refused to eat. They took the tray of food away but left him with a small pitcher of water and a little plastic cup.

Andrea stopped into his room before she planned on heading home for the night.

"Hello Silas." She said to her patient as she closed the door behind her.

She stood at the foot of his bed. She looked at him. Silas was sitting up in the bed, curled in on himself. His head was down on his knees and he didn't acknowledge Andrea when she came in.

"Nurse Victoria tells me you refused dinner." She said.

"Yeah." Silas whispered without looking up.

"You skipped your lunch as well. Would you like to tell me why?" She said, walking around to the side of his bed. She looked at the IV bag hanging off the pole, checking what was left of the medication dripping down the tube.

"I don't deserve to eat." He whispered.

"That's not true Silas." She said. "You deserve to eat and you should eat."

"I don't want to eat." He said, finally looking up. "No." He said and shook his head.

"I was about to go home for the night. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me before I go?" Andrea said.

"The shadows, they're watching me. They're always watching me." He whispered and set his head back down to avoid seeing the large shadow in the corner of his room.

"The shadows aren't real Silas. They're not real and they can't hurt you." She said and sat herself down on the foot of his bed.

Silas lifted his head and looked at her. "They're watching me." He whispered. "They don't hurt me." He added.

"Why do you think they watch you?" Andrea asked. "Why do you think they do that?"

"They tell Luci where I am." He whispered and started crying again.

"Silas, is that what all of this is about? Is this all because of Luci?" She asked. "You know she isn't real. You know this, I know you do."

"Stop it." He snapped at her. "Shut up. You are wrong. It's real. The shadows are real. Luci is real." He sobbed.

Andrea shook her head. Time and time again, things went back to Luci. Years working with Silas and she couldn't get him to realize that the woman he called Luci was a hallucination.

"Did Noak bring you here because of Luci?" She asked.

"No." Silas replied. "Noak brought me here because, I don't know why he brought me here." He cried.

_ Because you're crazy, Silas. Because he was sick of your shit. [Pathetic. Silas is pathetic.] Crazy! _

"I'm not crazy!" Silas yelled.

"Silas, I have to ask you an important question." Andrea said. "But I need to know that you can give me an answer."

"What?" He asked, looking across at her.

"Do I have your permission to talk to Noak?' She asked. "He might have the answers you don't."

"No." Silas cried. "You will tell him that Luci isn't real."

"Silas, you have my word, I will do no such thing." Andrea said and held out her hand to the crying man. "I just want to ask him about the night you came to hospital. I just want him to tell me what you don't know."

"You have my permission then." Silas whispered, taking hold of Andrea's hand. "Can I see him?" He asked.

"Soon Silas." Andrea said. "I don't believe there's any reason to keep you here much longer." She explained. "One more night, to get you set up with new meds, then you and Noak can go home."

"Why are you changing my meds?" Silas asked.

"Because the ones you've been taking seem to have run their course." She replied. "Sometimes things that are beyond our control happen and a medication that has worked, stops working. So the psychiatrist at the hospital and I have been weaning you off the old meds and setting you up with something else. It's a similar drug, but works a little differently. I think it will work for you." She explained.

"So I'm on a new medication and I can see Noak tomorrow?" Silas whispered.

_ They will call him but he's not coming for you Silas. [Noak is gone.] He hates you. _

"Yes." Andrea said with a smile. "Provided your mental state stays level, I'll sign your release papers tomorrow afternoon."

"Thank you." Silas whispered and gave his therapist a little smile.

"You're very welcome." She said and stood back up. "Now, please eat something. I'm sending for a sandwich and some juice. You shouldn't skip the meals Silas. It's important to take care of yourself."

"Fine." He sighed.

"You eat everything they bring you and you promise me you will call Victoria if there's any issues overnight, okay?" She said.

Silas nodded.

"Good. Now I will see you tomorrow morning." She said and walked to the door. "Get a good night's sleep. I'll be here around nine."


End file.
